3 replies to this topic

[bleedingshadows94]

This is the official topic for reviewing my Epic "Shadow War."

Ch. 1 [link]
Ch. 2 [link]
Ch. 3 [link]

Ch. 4 [link]

~Tobi

Edited by bleedingshadows94, Dec 09 2012 - 06:50 PM.

[Cederak]

Hey, bleedingshadows, I said I'd stop in to review this at some point, and here I am. I think you picked a fine time span to cover in the MU's history, as I really enjoyed the web serial stuff that accompanied Teridax's reign of the universe. Admittedly, I did encounter a few minor errors, as you anticipated I would. Despite that, I'm holding you to the promise that things will improve in later chapters. As it is right now, the opening feels rather incomplete. I like what you've set up, staying relatively within the canon thus far, I think it was just lacking some detail. In particular, the scene where the Toa Nuva make their arrival to Metru Nui. If you had added more to their efforts to blast through the Makuta ships, it would've made for a more dynamic intro. You managed to capture the feel of the moment though, the temporary victory in the air just before…well, you know.

Your take on the Toa Nuva feels fairly close to the real thing, though I can understand why the brief look at the Toa Mahri didn't provide much character development. It's still early, and I don't recall them doing much during the "Reign of Shadows" story arc anyway. I'm actually really interested to see what the Federation of Fear will be up to, as well as the other secondary characters that got a bigger role during those six months. With the canon story set so precisely though, and Teridax really having an unlimited degree of power, I'm interested to see how things are going to play out for your characters. Bringing the Order into the mix eventually should be pretty cool too. I think I just love seeing all the big players in the Matoran Universe interact during Teridax's rule. I also took notice of your nod to the conclusion of the Destiny War podcast, regarding Hahli. Keep at it, and I hope to see the improvement you promised.

-Ced

[KlakWest]

I must say, this story is excellent. Your writing style is interesting, and it's paced just the way I like it. Also, the endings of the last two chapters are definitely excellent twists.

 

Another thing that I like about the story is that it is both an accurate (and fitting) account of what it was like when Teridax took over, and your own tale with new characters. You also make a lot of nods to other parts of the Bionicle canon, which is an excellent touch.

 

One negative I found was your use of similes, specifically one about discovering the villain in a movie. I had to glance at it twice to see how it related to the whole "turning" part, and even then, it wasn't until you clarified how it related to Teridax that it seemed to fit. 

[bleedingshadows94]

I must say, this story is excellent. Your writing style is interesting, and it's paced just the way I like it. Also, the endings of the last two chapters are definitely excellent twists.
 
Another thing that I like about the story is that it is both an accurate (and fitting) account of what it was like when Teridax took over, and your own tale with new characters. You also make a lot of nods to other parts of the Bionicle canon, which is an excellent touch.
 
One negative I found was your use of similes, specifically one about discovering the villain in a movie. I had to glance at it twice to see how it related to the whole "turning" part, and even then, it wasn't until you clarified how it related to Teridax that it seemed to fit. 

Thanks for the review. C: First, I would like to say that it would be great if you could tell other forum members about the story to get more traffic, that would be great. ^^

I understand your confusion. These 3 chapters were written back in 2009, when Bionicle moved off-world for a while, and my writing style has since improved. Despite that, I'm glad you found it good. I always have a hard time trying to find the right words, but recently, I've found sites that will help me to increase my skill in the art, and make the story even better. If you have any constructive criticism in the future, feel free to post in this thread and let me know. <3 Hopefully, the next chapter will be up tomorrow.

~Tobi

((Posted from mobile))