4 replies to this topic

[Oniaku]

Okay, so this is the review topic for my story: Daybreak Flower, post any criticisms or such thinks here for me, please.

Here is the link to the actual story: http://www.bzpower.c...wtopic=7416&hl=

Edited by Oniaku, Oct 29 2012 - 12:19 PM.

[Aderia]

Hello!

Can I begin by saying how nice it is to see a new face in the library?

Anyways, your epic caught my eye in that “Recent Topics” sidebar on the front page. Since this review is only for your first chapter, it’s more of a reply than a review. But anyways, I just wanted to say that I read your first chapter. There’s not much to say at this point, so early on in the story, other than to continue on. Speaking from what you have so far, it’s decent. From what I can tell, you’ve set your readers up with a solid protagonist and poised him for a bit of adventure on his island home. Off his island home, perhaps? It will be interesting to see where you take this.

There was just one thing that I was wondering. How big is this Matoran city in your story? You describe it as the only city, the only place inhabited by Matoran on the island, known for its solitude. Yet, it’s a big enough city to have slums and different departments, like the Watcher’s Department you mentioned. But it equips its well-liked, greatly respected, and well paid Watchers with primitive rope, staff-like weapons, and thorn-spikes? Also, the slums are in the center of the city? That suggests that all the businesses and homes are on the outskirts of the city, and therefore all the jobs and work to be done is outside the city, somewhere on the island. So, if the jobs are focused externally, I’m wondering why the city is so isolated. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that this is not a new city, since 1) this is the Matoran Universe and everything is old because of the near-immortal life spans of the MU inhabitants, and 2) if it was new, it would be a village, not a city complete with slums. So, my point is, what’s their city like? Since it’s the only civilization on the island, I would think that it’s important. And I know it’s only the first chapter, feel free to tell me to hush up and wait for the rest of the story. I was just a bit curious XD

By the way, a few nitpicks:

Watchers were well liked, greatly respected, and well payed.

‘payed’ to ‘paid’, or ‘well paying’, or ‘paid well’.

!" I gazed down quickly at my dissapointing shade of green, and slowly walked out behind her.

‘dissapointing’ to ‘disappointing’, an easy typo fix.

That’s all I have for you today. If you take away anything from this reply, it should be to keep with it. I’ll keep an eye on this epic to see where you take this. Good job so far =)

P.S. Could you also put a link to your story topic into your review topic, and vice versa? It makes navigaton easier for your readers.

Edited by Eponine, Oct 29 2012 - 10:30 AM.

[Oniaku]

Okay, thank you for that feedback. As for the isolation thing, that was more toward the island than the city. The island is cut off from most communication with the outside.

And thank you for the spelling corrections, I am terrible at spelling Disappointing. And yes, there will be more on the city, I just have to get it into the story, without breaking the main flow.

Anyway, in regards to the watcher's equipment: The city has been there a long time.

And I will be sure to fix the link problem.

[Kakaru]

HELLO

YOUR CHARACTERS ARE INTERESTING AND APPARENTLY ONIAKU SUFFERS FROM LOW SELF-ESTEEM SINCE HE DOESN'T LIKE THE COLOUR OF HIS ARMOUR

THE CITY IS CRAFTED WELL ENOUGH AND THE IDEA OF THE SLUMS BEING IN THE CENTER IS SORT OF INTERESTING. IS IT LIKE AN ARENA OR SOMETHING

oh and your Watchers suffer from "I-can't-tell-if-this-is-actually-a-proper-noun" syndrome, like Toa, Matoran, Kanohi, and basically every species or object in the Bionicle universe, where capitalization is switched on and off at will. I don't know what to do about this. I'm not really complaining since every other story ever does this, just thought I'd point it out.

also welcome to the epics forum or whatever. This story will be easier to follow than the XIII story since I'm familiar with the lore, so that's nice.

[Cederak]

A BZPer who uses their first post to jump into an epic? I must say, you're a braver person than I am. I think a good year passed before I even had the courage to start posting stuff to the Library, so I commend the effort, I really do. Also, welcome to our wonderful site.

Like a lot of multi-post stories, I have no idea what your title means, though I'm certain it likely plays into something later on in the story. I stumbled upon some errors on my initial read, and I won't reiterate on the points already made by Eponine and Kakaru. What I will recommend though is to use MS Word when writing further chapters, or to download a free equivalent (Open Office or something of the like). A tool like that is invaluable to writers and doesn't require us to be as vigilant about grammatical/spelling issues. I'll run through what I found though, so you can touch it up later.

As a Watcher, that was my Job.

I don't think "Job" should be capitalized.

I had heard tell of other places,

heard them tell

It was an uneventful day, tot say the least.

to say the least

recognizing me as a watcher.

Watcher

Watchers were well liked, greatly respected, and well paid.

well-liked, greatly respected, and well-paid.

a stray rahi might kill us,

Rahi

I walked into the Watchers Department,

Watchers'

my various supplies: Rope, a couple of crude staff-like weapons, and thorn-spikes, just to name a few.

The fragment after the colon is not an independent clause, so "Rope" should not be capitalized.

where a Blue female Matoran was standing. I turned to face her, and waved.

"Blue" doesn't need to be capitalized and remove the comma in the second sentence.

you got to wait!"

you've


Delving into story structure and plot, this has the potential for a massive setup. I'm mostly speculating with a lot at this point, but I suspect the Watchers will be a major player in this epic. Whether or not your "City" remains terribly important, it's hard to tell. You didn't give me a lot of detail to work with, which suggests it's a temporary venue your protagonist will depart soon, perhaps to explore other regions of Ornak Nui. Of course I could be entirely wrong too. Again, not a lot to work with right now. All I can say is that I agree with Eponine's notion that your description of the City thus far seems to be a tad inconsistent.

All in all, you're off to a promising start. There wasn't much in terms of characterization or dialogue due to the small size of the opening chapter, so I can't really go into some of my usual critiquing specifics there. As I said before, there's not enough to make any real thoughts about the direction of things just yet. Keep at it, Oniaku.

-Ced