33 replies to this topic

[Fastcar700]

It started one day in a large battle of the Toa Mata Vs. Bohrok...

Lewa: "Toa Tahu, we are surrounded!"

Tahu: "Excellent! We can attack in any direction we want!"

Pohatu: "Well, works for me! "

*Pohatu steps on a Gahlok and Kopaka frezzes its Krana*

Gali: "Brothers, let us remeber why we fight"

Tahu: "Yes sister. We fight for honor. We fight for justice. And we fight for VICTORY CAKE! "

Lewa: No one speak-told me of this 'Victory Cake' But I want ALL OF IT! "

Gali: "Oh rly? "

Tahu: "Ya rly"

Onua: "Can I be in this episode? "

Pohatu: "No."

Kopaka: "Well, goodnight everyone! Chapter 2 coming soon!"

*Kopaka gets a Tahnok thrown at his face*

Onua: "Thats what you get for breaking the fourth wall!"

Gali: "Where is a Tracker jacker nest when you need one? Seriously people..."

Ceaser Flickerman: "The venom of a Tracker Jacker can cause powerful hallucinations "

Katniss: "Ugh, don't remind me... Rue did not have the best idea there. Well, at least I am alive... PRESEDINT SNOW, Y U KILL MY SISTER??"

Luke Skywalker: "This is NOT The Hunger Games!"

Peeta: "This is NOT Star Wars either! But I love Star Wars..."

Tahu: "SHUT UP!"

Golum: "We are trying to get this comedy to over 300 words! My precious word check... my precious..."

Lewa: "Enough with the quirrel-fight! Lets just see-watch a movie marathon!"

Onua: "YAY!!! POPCORN! OH YEAH!"

*Katniss shoots Tahu with an arrow to shut him up*

Gali: "He he! "

More chapters coming soon!

Edited by Fastcar800, Nov 01 2012 - 06:35 PM.

[Chro]

Randomness is as apt a description as I've ever seen.

[Fastcar700]

Randomness is as apt a description as I've ever seen.

What does that mean?

[Toa Smoke Monster]

Who doesn't love Victory Cake?

Anyway, I liked your first chapter of this comedy. I thought that Tahu's reply to Lewa's dialogue at the beginning was clever. In fact, the whole beginning of this was good.

But then all the random characters popped up, and that kind of dragged the story down. I'm not saying that they shouldn't be here, but it feels like there just...there. I would try sticking mainly with the Toa Mata and Bohrok for your coming chapters. Also, I did find one grammar mistake:

It started one day in a large battle of the Toa Mata Vs. Bohrok....

'Of' should be replaced with 'with.' Also, I would put 'the' between 'vs.' and 'Bohrok.'

Anyway, I still liked your first chapter of your comedy. Keep them coming!

Edited by Toa Smoke Monster, Nov 02 2012 - 05:10 PM.

[Fastcar700]

You see, the random characters help include the randomness!

[Meiko]

Very nice. That reply that Tahu gave to Lewa at the start was great. However there were some spelling errors, but at least they were understandable. Keep 'em coming.

[Fastcar700]

Oh, I will! New chapter coming tommorow!

[Constructman: Black Knight]

I liked the original version of it. Then you edited it. THOSE CHARACTERS DON'T BELONG IN BIONICLE COMEDIES!

[Fastcar700]

Ok, I will keep it BIONICLE only! Gosh... and maybe some Hero Factory... later on...

Onua wakes up in his bed

Onua: "Whoa! I should really stop watching The Hunger Games!"

Pohatu: "Brother, you are an cool dude"

Onua: "Get out of my room!"

Kopaka: "We all share the same room"

Onua: "Aw man!"

Meanwhile...

Takua: "Tahu, Nuvohk are attacking Ga-Koro!"

Tahu: "Go tell someone who cares"

Takua: " You are a lazy Toa"

Gali: "I'll deal with it... Whenever I feel like it"

Chapter 3 coming soon!

Edited by Fastcar800, Nov 11 2012 - 08:09 AM.

[Meta Nuva]

Chapter 1...completely random. But victory cake and fourth wall breaking are awesome. So is The Hunger Games.

Chapter 2 was very short though. I think, if you are going to randomize your comedy, try to get a little more story in. TNI (The Nuva Inn) excels in that area, and I'm sure you can too .

Also, Takua's name is kind of hard to read. Perhaps you could just use red for him?

This comedy has a great deal of potential. Keep at it!

~MN~

[Fastcar700]

I'll try a different red then Tahu's. And I was being annoyed by my brother. He was like "Hurry up!" Ughh... anyway, thanks!

[Chro]

Randomness is as apt a description as I've ever seen.

What does that mean?

It means that 'randomness' is a very very good description for this topic.

That reply that Tahu gave to Lewa at the start was great.

That's from Oliver P. Smith. He might've also been the guy who said, "We aren't retreating, just advancing in a different direction!"

[Fastcar700]

That reply that Tahu gave to Lewa at the start was great.

That's from Oliver P. Smith. He might've also been the guy who said, "We aren't retreating, just advancing in a different direction!"

Hey, can I use that joke?

[Hahli Husky]

Hey Fastcar800, hilarious story you've got going here! Unfortunately, I noticed that your chapters are under 300 words. Here in the Comedies forum, we ask that members keep their chapters above 300 words. Maybe you could merge your two chapters into one, or just add more awesome funny happenings on to each chapter! Thanks for understanding, please let me know if you're confused or have any questions.

[Chro]

That's from Oliver P. Smith. He might've also been the guy who said, "We aren't retreating, just advancing in a different direction!"

Hey, can I use that joke?

Well, I'm not the one who initially said that, but okay.

[Fastcar700]

Hey Fastcar800, hilarious story you've got going here! Unfortunately, I noticed that your chapters are under 300 words. Here in the Comedies forum, we ask that members keep their chapters above 300 words. Maybe you could merge your two chapters into one, or just add more awesome funny happenings on to each chapter! Thanks for understanding, please let me know if you're confused or have any questions.

Well, i added the Hunger Games stuff to chapter one in an attempt to do so. It ain't easy. But i'll try.

[Constructman: Black Knight]

Well, it wasn't that bad... Just too random for random. If you added some plot, then yes, CoT characters work well with Bionicle characters.

[Fastcar700]

In Ga-Koro during a Nuvohk attack...

Vakama: "Gathered friends, listen again to our legend of the BIONIC-"

Galohk: "You had your chance for that in chapter one!"

Vakama: " "

Vakama walks back to Ta-Koro... but not before the Gahlok blasts water at him

Gali: "I have arrived!"

Macku: "You're late! By the way, how do I get Hewkii to ike me?"

Gali: " Uh, ask Jaller. He is kissing Hahli right now in Ta-Koro"

Macku: " I am sad now... hey! Where are you going?!"

Gali is walking away

Gali: "Uh, nowhere..."

Nokama: "Toa Gali, you are retreating?"

Gali: "No. Not retreating. Just advancing in a different direction! "

Macku: " Well, i'll call someone who has a life"

Gali: "Sure. Whatever man"

Macku: "I am a girl you cool dude!"

Gali: "Kepesh?"

Macku: " Ughh.... just go kiss a Makuta Fish."

Gali gets kissed by a Makuta Fish

Gali: 'EW! GET ME SOME IODINE! AH, I NEED TO BURN MY MASK NOW!"



Macku: "Shut up Picard! Go back to Star Trek land!"

Captain Picard: "Its called the m-"

Gali: "WE DON'T CARE!"

Captain Picard: "Fine. Enterprise, one to beam up"

Captain Picard is beamed onto the Enterprise

Macku: "Oh... pretty..."

Gali: "Yeah yeah yeah. Doesn't matter. Now, wanna put on a blindfold and go into that hut?"

Macku: "Yay! Wait, what?"

Gali: "Ok kids, this is why you should never talk to a creppy man from outer space. He will mess with your mind..."

Macku: "Shut up! Gah, you can never be quiet"

Gali: "And you can never be quiet about Hewkii!"

Macku: "At least I have a boyfriend"

Gali: " "



Gali: "Oh, come on!"

Chapter 4 coming soon!

EDIT: No, Chapter 4 is out. Look below

Edited by Fastcar800, Nov 17 2012 - 05:26 PM.

[Fastcar700]

Well, it wasn't that bad... Just too random for random. If you added some plot, then yes, CoT characters work well with Bionicle characters.

Hmm. I see your point.

[Hahli Husky]

Hey Fastcar800, hilarious story you've got going here! Unfortunately, I noticed that your chapters are under 300 words. Here in the Comedies forum, we ask that members keep their chapters above 300 words. Maybe you could merge your two chapters into one, or just add more awesome funny happenings on to each chapter! Thanks for understanding, please let me know if you're confused or have any questions.

Well, i added the Hunger Games stuff to chapter one in an attempt to do so. It ain't easy. But i'll try.

Thanks! You also might try merging two chapters together to make them longer.

[Fastcar700]

In Po-Koro...

Hafu: "Ok, so here's the plan. We distract the oncoming Bohrok by throwing our disks at them, while Kopaka and Pohatu sneak up and knock em' out!"

Hewkii: "It sounds to simple... by the way, is Macku alright?"

Ahkmou: " Stop obessing over her. Just give her a kiss and be done with it!"

Hewkii: " Just let me have my dreams!"

Hafu: "Anyway... lets just move on"

Ahkmou: "By the way, did ya hear that Disney took over Star Wars? Stupid George Lucas!"



George Lucas: "Help me..."

Hewkii: "Stay off of the internet kid!"

Ahkmou: "Nope. Never gonna happen "

Hafu: "Are we gonna just sit around all day, or are we gonna fight the Bohrok?"

Hewkii: "Actually, we were just gonna sit around"

Hafu: " "

Hewkii: "In massage chairs! "

Hafu: "Moving on... oh, they are coming! Lets knock em' to the ground!"

A swarm of Tahnok melt through the stone gates of the village

Ahkmou: "Ohhh... pretty..."

Hafu: " Just wait for my signal. Ready... aim... FIRE!"

The Matoran throw their bamboo disks at the oncoming Bohrok swarm

Kopaka: "(Whipsers) Ok my stony friend, lets take them out!"

Kopaka frezzes a Tahnok, and Pohatu unleashes a hail of stone. Kopaka then frezzes a krana that attempts to escape. Pohatu throws a pizza at a Tahnok

Tahnok: "Ow! Hot, hot hot!"

Kopaka eats the pizza and throws the Tahnok into the water

Pohatu: "Nice work brother!"

Kopaka throws a Krana at Pohatu's face

Pohatu: "Nothing can take m- Clean it all, it must be cleaned. Clean it all, it must be cleaned"

Kopaka: "I guess the victory cake is MINE! "

Kai: "Not so fast!"

Cole: "Really? That's all you got?"

Kai: "Ughh... fine, we shall come up with more one-liners later"

Kopaka: "You are in the wrong LEGO theme!"

Cole: "Eh. Whatever. I'm just gonna sit here and watch Pohatu run around like an cool dude"

Cole and Kai pull out beach chairs


Chapter 5 coming soon!

Edited by Fastcar800, Nov 17 2012 - 05:26 PM.

[Meta Nuva]

I could have seen this chappy being much much longer, with a bigger "plan" scene and an extended fight scene. Remember, chapters are supposed to be over 300 words, so you have to think of a central plot, with recurring random characters for finishing touches.

With that being said, the current chappy had almost zero randomness in it. Randomness can be included in your story, but it cannot contradict your plot. They can work together, side by side.
I, once again, suggest that you look at Lewa0111 Nuva's comedy, The Nuva Inn Remake, for example. It manages to have a central plot WHILE having an insane amount of randomness dancing on the outside. And plus, it's really funny.

Try it!

~MN~

[Hahli Husky]

Yes, I'm going to have to ask you to please not post new chapters until you fix your current chapters. And when you do post new chapters again, please don't post them unless they are already at least 300 words. If this doesn't happen, I'll have to close the topic.

[Fastcar700]

Ok, chapter 4 should be over 300 words now.

[Meta Nuva]

Yep, I can see it starting to work out. It's funnier, too .

Good work!

~MN~

EDIT: Chapter 4: 328 words, to be exact. Great job!

Edited by Meta Nuva, Nov 11 2012 - 12:11 AM.

[Fastcar700]

Cool! This topic is HOT! Anyway, i'll try to fix the other chapters

Ok, look at chapter 3!

[Meta Nuva]

Chapter 3 definitely looks better. EDIT: But it's 278 words...

I'd suggest, though, that you try not to use memes in your comedies. Taking someone else's work and changing a few words doesn't really work.

However, if you are making those...good work!

~MN~

Edited by Meta Nuva, Nov 17 2012 - 05:31 PM.

[Fastcar700]

Hahli Husky, do you keep changing the word "cool dude" to "cool dude"? Serioulsy, you are messing with the humor! No offense...

[Constructman: Black Knight]

No, BZP's automatic filter does that. It's annoying when you have to use an archaic term, like "illegitimate child" sword (the classification of sword between longsword and greatsword)

[Dual Matrix]

Hahli Husky, do you keep changing the word "cool dude" to "cool dude"? Serioulsy, you are messing with the humor! No offense...

Lol, the original word will remain a mystery forever...

[Fastcar700]

Lewa: "Well, I mind-think it is time-enough without a new chapter!"

 

Gali: "I agree on that, brother"

 

Tahu: "Whatever. Lets just move on, shall we?"

 

Lewa: "Fine."

 

Tahu: "Ok, lets think of a plan. We need to raid the Bohrok nest."

 

Pohatu: "Well, we have all of the Krana"

 

Onua: "Yeah. Let's just go and knock em' out!"

 

Gali: "It is unwise to just rush int-"

 

Tahu: "YEAH!! LETS GO!!"

 

*At the nest, in the middle of the fight*

 

Lewa: "These mombo creatures are too power-stong!"

 

*A silvery bubble encases the Toa*

 

Tahu: "What??"

 

*5 minutes later, the Toa emerge, but different...*

 

Lewa: "Ughh... what happened?"

 

Pohatu: "I... am... shiny..."

 

Kopaka: "OH YEAH!!"

 

Gali: "We have won. but at what price?"

 

Tahu: "There is no price. We have become more than anyone has ever hoped to be. For now and for forevermore, we are the Toa Nuva!!"

 

Lewa: "OPPA TOA STYLE!!"

 

Gali: "Really brother? Really?"

 

Kopaka: "Let's get out of this ugly cave... It smells like Onua's face in here"

 

*Onua tackles Kopaka and knocks him out*

 

Onua: "MY FACE SMELLS LIKE FLOWERS!! IT IS LOVELY!!"

 

You all like?

Edited by Fastcar700, Dec 14 2012 - 05:13 PM.

[Constructman: Black Knight]

Seems a bit short. Maybe if you wrote the actual battle?

[Fastcar700]

Seems a bit short. Maybe if you wrote the actual battle?

 

Yes, I was a bit rushed. I also REALLY needed a new topic. I didn't want this topic to be locked for revival.

[Hahli Husky]

Yes, I'm going to have to ask you to please not post new chapters until you fix your current chapters. And when you do post new chapters again, please don't post them unless they are already at least 300 words. If this doesn't happen, I'll have to close the topic.

 

--------------

 

Your last chapter was under 300 words, so I'll have to close the topic as I said in my last warning. Also, there's no revival rule in any of the Library forums. Please read this topic before posting in the Comedies forum again. Thank you!