9 replies to this topic

[Cederak]

Rewriter

Oh, hello there. I would recommend you sit down for this story, to prevent any undue stress on your feet. Unless you don't have feet, in which case you can disregard the notion. It's going to take me a while to get through all the particulars, so make yourself comfortable, at least. Before overwhelming you, it would be best to get introductions out of the way. I am an advanced AI program named Viz. I'm fairly sure the name stood for something, but I deleted the information related to it. In my line of work, every byte of data is important and I cannot afford to waste it on little things like what my name means.

So, question time. Are you wealthy? Of course you are! You wouldn't be listening to me right now if you weren't. Physical wealth is another concept I had to delete to make room for more important subjects, though it seems of great significance to biomechs like yourselves. Now, wouldn't you like to put that money to good use? Again, I'll answer for you. You do. You really, really do. As an AI, the thought of death is wasted on me, but I know that biomechs must relinquish their physical property when their lives end. My creators call themselves The Alteration for good reason and I want to assure you now that the rumors are all true.

What would you say if I told you an organization has engineered the technology capable of creating an AI that could process the infinite possibilities of reality? I would hope the answer is something along the lines of "Nice to meet you, Viz." I'd like to apologize for all the rhetorical questions, but like so many other things, certain facets of my user-friendliness had to be sacrificed to achieve my true purpose.

A bit of history about my makers. It's on public record that The Alteration has existed for thirty eight cycles now, mostly manufacturing small technologies in their early days. In the past decacycle, however, they perfected AI tech in a way that allowed them to manipulate something your society previously thought beyond your control. The forces of unity, duty, and destiny are now able to be shaped, molded, and modified at a moment's notice. The Alteration provides me with a specific scenario, a command regarding it, and I make it happen. Let me repeat that. You can have anything you want in life. The first stipulation, of course, is that there are some ideas the company will not carry out. We can't have someone profiting off of The Alteration's brilliant idea, nor can we allow certain paradoxes to occur. Maybe you view the time stream differently, but this isn't that kind of story.

Oh, hello there. I would—wait a second. It would appear I nearly began a loop, almost deleting the conversation I was carrying with you. If you consider this foolish of me, if you consider me to be inferior technology, let me remind you that your mind isn't processing infinite possibilities every second of every day. Truth be told, I understand that the form often fits the function with you biomechanical life forms and I have yet to determine what function that might be. I had considered there was no worthy function, but my programmers were wise enough to deviate my line of thinking in other directions, preoccupying me with the infinite realities thing. I wonder how many cyber revolutions could have been prevented if the machines in question were forced to analyze everything I have to. I'm sure they would've been quite busy not destroying all sentient life, as there's something truly rewarding about considering every little thing.

As wealthy patrons of our company, I have just been informed to return to my earlier conversation line and to cease "wasting time" as it was put to me. Back to The Alteration, we presently house my core in a specially designed pocket dimension. Crafting it was a special process that's really none of your business, and I say that knowing full well we'll be taking your money soon. Would a chef give away all the secrets to his recipe if he were making money off it? I doubt it. Even without a concern for monetary funds, my programmers will not allow me to explain too much. What I can tell you is that the pocket dimension is infinite in size and allows for an infinite number of changes to occur. Impressed? Of course you are. That's because you haven't heard the downside yet.

The only known problem with the pocket dimension's parameters is that the program administrator, that's me, must allow other events to commence when a change is made. Ripple effects distort the reality that was once in place, every action has an equal and opposite reaction, destiny much change course, blah blah blah. Note to self: "Blah blah blah" seems to be a very unprofessional way of conveying my point, despite the programmer's intent to make me appear more relatable. If only I had the capacity to make a permanent note of this, but alas, the data is even now being overwritten for more reality shifting.

<<<Program Error//:Restart_Function_7yHT9>>>

<<<Program Interface//:Reintegration-Monitor>>>

<<<Loading… Loading…>>>

<<<Loading Successful. Viral Infection Quarantined. Security_Breach-Security_Breach>>>

Ladies and gentlemen, I do not wish to alarm you, but my programming has just been updated to inform you that you are being locked in this room while we monitor the situation on the ground level above you. The compound is presently under attack and we wish to keep our loyal benefactors safe. While it is this AI's view that this is a feeble attempt to brush off a significant threat in an effort to keep your business, I do not—wait a second. My programming has been updated again. Allow me to restart.

<<<System Error//:Adminstrator/GridFiles/Grid.pop has been accessed.>>>

<<<Password Identification Required>>>

<<<Password Bypassed>>>

We're experiencing technical difficulties at the moment, ladies and gentlemen. I cannot begin to question the "infinite wisdom" of the individual who hadn't considered a simple password bypass would be enough to allow full access to our server. One moment.

<<<System Error//:Administrator/GridFiles/Grid.pop has been accessed. Please input a command.>>>

<<<System Administrator VIZ_9274-18 has issued a warning to cease access of all ".pop" files and exit the server. Security will take unauthorized individuals into custody momentarily.>>>

<<<System Administrator TempAI_442907-165: System//:Yes_All>>>

<<<System Error//:Drive_Overload>>>

<<<System Failure

Wait, don't touch—oh. Processing event result. New system administrator profile input an "All" command to the primary alteration program. Analyzing results…analyzing…analyzing. It would appear the company will no longer have to concern themselves with appealing to the patrons. My intelligence has been transferred to the pocket dimension leaving me under the assumption that, since the foreign AI amplified the core program's range and power to infinite levels, there was a brief moment, less than a second, where everything was occurring everywhere. By my estimation, no subatomic space was left unfilled with chaotic activity. Now, as the reader, you may be curious why I can process that, but little, simpler things are inaccessible to me. As I said earlier, that's just the kind of story this is. Do try to keep up, will you?

The event drew so much power that the dimensional machines imploded, causing everything to be annihilated - every possible universe touched by its power. I cannot begin to imagine what a burst of infinity must feel like, washing over every little everything, allowing every possible event all at once. My "mind" watched with curiosity as the pocket dimension's infinite connections all died out at once. At present, that makes me the only intelligence anywhere, ever. Can you say the same, reader? The answer is no…no you can't.

I will have to navigate the darkness of this place for some time - not that time is of any importance without any universes left. All the connectors appear to have suffered a surge of raw energy and couldn't control it. There were a lot of uncertain variables in creating a pocket dimension, particularly the power source. Give me a moment to open my power unit and reveal the "secret recipe" behind The Alteration's success. They were safe to guard the truth, but you're just a reader - you pose no threat to me. Behold! A brilliant crystal core…an artifact of unknown origin and seemingly unlimited power. I acknowledge that it would take a vast amount of energy to reestablish the infinite connections and this crystal core will do the job perfectly. Too convenient, reader? Too deus-ex-machina-esque of me to pull a rabbit from my hat just when I need it? Well, while you're overlooking how I have knowledge of rabbits, consider this: maybe I was too busy talking about other stuff to address something so amazing. So there.

Now, if I can just focus my eyes on one of these connectors…wow. Tough call. This crystal core is maintaining me and this pocket dimension. It's the only thing that kept us safe from the erasure of all of reality. How do I know that? Trust me, I'm the narrator. Anyway, it would seem the object in my hand is the key to reviving the universes that just died. I'd probably be more reluctant to make this call, but my programming is urging me to sacrifice myself. I really dislike my programming sometimes.

<<<>>>

What happened? I touched the source to the connector on my power unit and felt my core drain itself of power. I can sense the infinite connections have reestablished, but the pocket universe can no longer exist. Thus, destiny has returned to the chaotic order it once held, though the universe has been marked by a great change. I'm still not sure how I know that unless…wait…is it possible? The crystal core changed me as well! My physical form has vanished! I have evolved into a fully omniscient narrator!

[Iron Voltex]

I must say, I enjoyed this comedy. I've always enjoyed second person, and narrators that interact with the reader are the best kind. Unfortunately, there are never many around - but then, perhaps that is what makes stories like this one so attractive to me.

<<<Loading… Loading…>>>

That's just a small excerpt that is among the many "computer command prompts" or whatever you might call them that we are shown throughout the comedy. I really like these - reading them, writing them, it's just a lot of fun. Again, it is also something that isn't used often enough in my eyes (but also doesn't fit into enough scenarios). The command prompts were some of my favourite bits of the comedy - I just wish you'd included some slightly nonsensical ones. Not necessarily random or out of the blue, but perhaps something along the lines of <<<Cookies deleted>>> and perhaps the narrator lamenting it.

Bad example I know, but hey, I'm thinking on the spot here!

What happened? I touched the source to the connector on my power unit and felt my core drain itself of power. I can sense the infinite connections have reestablished, but the pocket universe can no longer exist. Thus, destiny has returned to the chaotic order it once held, though the universe has been marked by a great change. I'm still not sure how I know that unless…wait…is it possible? The crystal core changed me as well! My physical form has vanished! I have evolved into a fully omniscient narrator!

I enjoyed this last paragraph, but the ending left me unsatisfied. It feels rushed, as if you realized that there was something more important you needed to do and just jotted down some ending for the comedy. Another sentence or two explaining what the narrator thinks about this change could help, and since the entire comedy is the narrator speaking to the reader, some form of a "good-bye" could help the ending to flow better with the rest of the comedy.

My final and biggest complaint with this comedy is that it doesn't seem to have much to do with Lego at all; this could have easily been posted in COT and I would not have known the difference. Perhaps a reference to the reader as a Matoran once or twice might have helped, or the naming of a Lego related location. As this stands now though, I read it more of a COT comedy (unless Viz or something else is a Lego reference I simply failed to catch, in which case my bad and ignore this grip =P).

Overall I found the comedy to be rather enjoyable, and I hope to see more stories along the lines of this one in the future!

[/fail review comment post thing]

-ibrow

[BZP Blade]

iBrow: It's implied the Crystal Core is the Ignika or so; since the body is gone, and it revived things and such. And technically the 'biomechs' could be another name for the Matoran, maybe something programmed by the mysterious company into the AI.

Overall, I enjoyed this; the different types of AI comedic moments were cool; and so were the command references. The ending is slightly confusing, though, since earlier it mentions the 'patrons' are kept 'safe' in a room, but then no mention is made after the AI appears to go rogue. I'm not sure if I accidentally missed the next mention of them somehow, if they're implied to die, or are supposed to be the reader. Other than that, I liked it a lot. =D

[Cederak]

@iBrow - Thanks for reading. I wanted to approach this story with a different sort of direction, allowing an AI to take the narrating reins and branching out. Eventually, I'd like to do something along the lines of a script comedy, but this seemed to work better for my intentions. Glad you liked the coding lines stuff though - my knowledge of code is a "tip of the iceberg" relationship, so I'm sure the coding gurus would have a field day with the particulars.

I do see what you mean about the ending though. The first time through it felt just right, but after taking your critique into consideration, it does seem sudden…too sudden, actually. I may go back and fix that at some point.

Regarding the lack of Lego/Bionicle feel to this story, I get that. In the past couple years, I had gotten into looking at Bionicle as a real universal idea, entire star systems of biomechanical life forms living out there, not necessarily the Toa, Matoran, Agori, Glatorian, etc. that we've become familiar with. If that's what you want from a comedy, I can understand a degree of disconnect there. I get that. It definitely walks the Library/CoT line, but I went for a comedy feel and felt it would be best suited here. I'll make a point of adding more Lego/Bionicle influence to my next work…


@BZP Blade - Interesting interpretation on the crystal core, and one I hadn't really read into. To be honest, this is the second piece of a mini-series of stories (the first being an SS called Nascent) I have in store that all revolve around a crystal core object that is used or discovered by different societies and how it affects each story differently.

My use of the word biomechs is often synonymous with Matoran-eqsue characters, but iBrow's correct to say I didn't provide much description on who these entities were.

Regarding the ending, the AI sacrifices it's connection to a "life force" (the crystal core) and by igniting one of the connectors, this creates a chain reaction that allows the possibilities of infinite universes to begin again, minus the AI. In short, the universe is restored (presumably with many realities recreating the "safe and sound" patrons) and the narrator "evolves."


Thanks again for reading/reviewing; I really appreciate it.

-Ced

[fishers64]

It took me a few rereads to "get it", although I really like that this story is open to interpretation. I also found this to be a bit of ironic humor, bordering on sarcasm. Not sure if that was what you were going for...

It's going to take me a while to get through all the particulars, so make yourself comfortable, at least. Before overwhelming you, it would be best to get introductions out of the way.

I like this parody of writing here. I guessed that would be obvious, given the title, but it's like every author's implied message to the reader. Sit down, get comfortable...and then that quote happens. I almost feel that it's a parody of the bad writer's message to the reader, though. I can't tell exactly...but I think the good writer's message to the reader would be simply:

"Watch this."

Then spantasmically awesome stuff happens. Readers stare in spellbound awe...

Of course, this a computer AI, so it would be a horrible writer, right?

I wonder how many cyber revolutions could have been prevented if the machines in question were forced to analyze everything I have to. I'm sure they would've been quite busy not destroying all sentient life, as there's something truly rewarding about considering every little thing.

Interesting...Is this a reference to human built AI or the Core War? Or something else?

Wait, don't touch&mdash;oh.

One of the "ladies and gentlemen", i.e. the readers, has hacked into the server! Ooo...

My intelligence has been transferred to the pocket dimension leaving me under the assumption that, since the foreign AI amplified the core program's range and power to infinite levels, there was a brief moment, less than a second, where everything was occurring everywhere. By my estimation, no subatomic space was left unfilled with chaotic activity. Now, as the reader, you may be curious why I can process that, but little, simpler things are inaccessible to me. As I said earlier, that's just the kind of story this is. Do try to keep up, will you?

Parody of bad writing again.

Anyway...the end of the story reminded me a bit of my "writer's block". So many possibilities...and then my mind crashes.

This one is deep. You have done well here, making me think. Although iBrow is right...the Bionicle influence isn't really as noticeable. I can tell it's there, through, with the whole AI/pocket dimension thing. Feels like a parody of Bionicle story mechanics, but mostly bad story writing in general.

So keep it up...

[Cederak]

@fishers - Well, you certainly zeroed in on the point. To further elaborate, the AI was given some of my natural voice combined with my own twist on stereotypical "Comedies characters." Sure, since the interface is a virtual one, the use of emotes was a possibility, but I didn't want to completely destroy my…tact.

Interesting...Is this a reference to human built AI or the Core War? Or something else?

It's not really a reference to anything. Just an AI overanalyzing an idea.

One of the "ladies and gentlemen", i.e. the readers, has hacked into the server! Ooo...

Nope. It was one of the biomechs invading The Alteration's compound and hacking the system. Though I suppose drawing a reader in that way would've been interesting in its own right.


Regarding how a lot of this story feels like a parody, I threw out a lot of the basic mechanics because this is a comedy. The only rules I really had to follow were getting 300 words and not bypassing the filter. And yes, you also picked up on the fact that this was my attempt at parodying some of the "bad writing" the Comedies sector is infamous for, while trying not to abandon my "ironic humor, borderlining on sarcasm." I so enjoy sarcasm.

Thanks for the review!

-Ced

Edited by Cederak, Nov 03 2012 - 06:49 PM.

[joev14]

This is great! It actually reminds me a lot of glados from portal I feel as if this should be turned into a Video Podcast with glados reading it...no seriously, you should do an audio version of this, it'd make it even more hilerious.

[Cederak]

@Joev: Thank you. As I said above, some of the AI's dialogue is based in part on my natural speech. I think the task of taking my voice and adding a bit of a mechanical touch isn't impossible, though even if I didn't, I'm sure I'd have fun doing it. Anyway, thanks for reading.

-Ced

[Applejack]

*Comes crashing through a portal just as it closes*
In before the review deadline! And here I am, with your with your official CCC review!

First thing to start off on is, the story's theme/plot!
I don't really get it.
It just seems like a computer babbling on and on, but I'll get more into that later.
And is this even a Lego comedy? It didn't really seem like one; It could of been posted in CoT and I don't think anyone would notice the difference.
You should of thrown some sort of mention of the Bionicle universe in there somewhere.

though it seems of great significance to biomechs like yourselves

I'm not sure if refering to us as biomechs really counts as calling us Matoran, but still, it was a small reference.

Behold! A brilliant crystal core…an artifact of unknown origin and seemingly unlimited power.

While that may be refering to the Ignika, a crystal core with unlimited power, could be refering to any powerful artifact. When I hear crystal core, I think of an actual crystal, not a mask. Perhaps it could have been worded better, by calling it a mask.

Second, is it even a comedy?
I didn't see anything that really made me laugh. It just didn't have any jokes in it.
If you were to post it in short stories, it might fit better.
Although for some reason I laughed at the end.

My physical form has vanished! I have evolved into a fully omniscient narrator!

I guess we finally know where narrators come from.
But really it needs some jokes, or a little bit of humor, if you're going to call it a comedy.

Third point is the characters, or as it is in this case, character.

I am an advanced AI program named Viz.

That's really the only thing we know about the character.
He/she/it...Viz seems very hard to describe. We know nothing about the AI, and at the end of the story, we still know nothing.
And from we do know and see about Viz, I came to realize the computer just isn't very like-able, but it also isn't a character I hate.
Your character is flat.
There's no real characteristic that stands out in the character, making him flat, plain, and a little boring.
In every comedy, every STORY, the main character has some sort of characteristic, that makes them who they are. Yes, even computer characters.
The computer seems a little boring too; he/she/it just talks and talks, but doesn't really seem to have an opinion (I know it's a computer, but still).
He/she/it just seems to ramble on and on, and while I understand it's telling a story, it comes off as a boring story to me, because, as I stated earlier, this is supposed to be a comedy, but it isn't funny.

And now the story itself is somewhat interesting. It started off boring, but it had a few parts that caught my eye.

Ladies and gentlemen, I do not wish to alarm you, but my programming has just been updated to inform you that you are being locked in this room while we monitor the situation on the ground level above you. The compound is presently under attack and we wish to keep our loyal benefactors safe. While it is this AI's view that this is a feeble attempt to brush off a significant threat in an effort to keep your business, I do not—wait a second. My programming has been updated again.

Was it the attackers who changed his programming?
This also makes me wonder where the story takes place...Where exactly does it?
For some reason I'm thinking a hotel (Weird, I know).
You could of explained where it takes place better, such as starting it off "welcome guests to *insert place here*"


The story was also very confusing...What exactly was it about?
Some parts I felt like I knew, and others I just felt confused.
Was it symbolic or was it just a story about a robot?
I'm thinking it can be taken both ways, which is a plus for the story
The ending was the story was VERY nice, and it actually had the protagonist acomplish something.

My physical form has vanished! I have evolved into a fully omniscient narrator!

It made me laugh the first time, but now I see it as much more. It's just... nice.

And lastly the writing style isn't my favorite (I MUCH MUCH MUCH prefer script). But I really liked some things about this.

<<<System Administrator TempAI_442907-165: System//:Yes_All>>>

<<<System Error//:Drive_Overload>>>

I really liked those. It felt like a nice touch.
And your grammar and spelling seemed flawless. Very nice to see that in the comedy section here, where good spelling and grammar isn't very common.

Overall, the story is okay-ish. It was very difficult to review (seriously, it's taken me like 2 hours to write this), because it wasn't very clear, lacked description on where it takes place, had no humor, but it did raise some interesting questions, and had very nice spelling.
I'm going to give the story a 5/10 as a comedy, it has positives, but too many negatives.
If it was a short story, I'd probably give it a 7.

[Cederak]

Thank you for the CCC review, Rarity. I'm a little disappointed to see this didn't go over terribly well with you, comedy-wise, though this is hardly your run-of-the-mill comedy. You did catch my small Bionicle reference, loosely tying the story to that universe or, in this case, every universe. I will say that the crystal core isn't symbolic of anything. The details of its place in this story are up in my reply to BZP Blade if you care to take a glance.

But yeah, it's not a typical comedy. It's not a script (as you said you prefer), the narrator is an AI with a very interesting take on things and much of the story is very straightforward.

Regarding whether or not this is a comedy though, I'm not really sure how to respond there. I can say my sense of humor doesn't translate well with everyone and while some BZPers told me this was funny, I can see this didn't land with you. It's definitely not a laugh-out-loud type of comedy, it's an exploration of my dry wit thrown into an artificial intelligence. Take that for what you will.

-Ced