CeeCee Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 Epic: http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=7489Description is in that thread Quote Signature Guidelines: Avatar and signature total file size may not exceed 250 KB! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cederak Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Hey there 345. Yes, I'm going to call you 345 because that's easier for me to write out. If you don't like it, tell me and I'll never say it again. Anyway, I read this because new stories often interest me, and it turned out that this was…definitely a different sort of story. Before going any further, I want to say that spelling isn't really the issue for you. However, grammar definitely is.He could almost hear his own heart beat racing away in his chest, its uncontrollable urge to rip right out of his place.Spelled "heartbeat" and change the last "his" to "its."He held breath and closed his eyes, wishing he could be anywhere else at this moment."held his breath" and "at that moment."into a space not much bigger than a large Kohli pitch.Spelled "Kohlii."There was barley any room between each Matoran, and so little so, that arms and legs were interlocked in the crowed."barely any room" "and so little that arms" and "in the crowd."of which the vast majority of it population were female"its"None of the Matoran from different Metru’s sat together. Those were the rules.So your non-canon Metru Nui promotes and enforces segregation? "Awesome." Vakama’s chest started to cave as the crowed seemed to convergeupon him.Crowed: something a bird does. Crowd: a bunch of Matoran. And split "convergeupon" into two words.He felt the tingling vibrations at the other Matoran slammed into him trying to see what was going on, on the coliseum floor, as if he wasn’t there, a ghost in a crowed.He felt the tingling vibrations as the other Matoran slammed into him, trying to see the coliseum floor as if he weren't there - a ghost in the crowd.as if they were gazelles spotting a lion amongst them.Or maybe a Rahi metaphor for the sake of your subject matter…The large coliseum doors opened like the gates of Karsahni,Spelled "Karzahni."You said you'll be focusing on Vakama and Matau with this story, a couple characters that canon fans know pretty well. I wouldn't say you abandoned the qualities in Matoran Vakama that made him seem very familiar to me, in a way that hearkened back to the 2004 storyline. Life was life, and Vakama crafted masks and tools. He was also plagued by visions that would come to shape his destiny. This felt very in line with that Vakama, and I enjoyed that side of things. You set up a fine introduction to your story, with quite a cliffhanger ending as well!With only one character to focus on with this chapter, there's not much I can say about the dialogue. Your description was decent, and I felt somewhat connected with what you were trying to show me. If you're shortening your character list, I would recommend placing greater emphasis on scenery description - sensory details and the like.It's too early to make a judgment call on this one, but it has potential. Stick with it, 345, and best of luck with this reboot. -Ced Quote Cederak's Library l Blog: Fair Enough Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CeeCee Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 Wow, thanks a lot man. Thats really encouraging. I will defiantly try to work on my grammar for you. I also woundnt say Im so much "shortening" my character list, its just that I want to focus on these two mainly(At least for this book). Anyway, thanks so much. I will try and work on chapter 2 tonight, if I have time.Also, about the rahi animals, Im really only using the earth names as place holders, as I dont know of many rahi. Quote Signature Guidelines: Avatar and signature total file size may not exceed 250 KB! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dual Cee Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 Sorry but I can't judge on grammar.I like the story, mostly because of the vahki being good guys and the matoran being mislead except for the 6 destined ones I also like the description of lhikahns reaction to his death. Also I hope I will hear more about Whenua/Nuju I like them the must. I aslo hopenthe next capter will be about nokama. Keep up that work I'm waiting. Quote I'm back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CeeCee Posted December 2, 2012 Author Share Posted December 2, 2012 Sorry but I can't judge on grammar.I like the story, mostly because of the vahki being good guys and the matoran being mislead except for the 6 destined ones I also like the description of lhikahns reaction to his death. Also I hope I will hear more about Whenua/Nuju I like them the must. I aslo hopenthe next capter will be about nokama. Keep up that work I'm waiting. Wow. Those are nice words to see. Yes, the next chapter will have Nokama in it. Im working on that one now Quote Signature Guidelines: Avatar and signature total file size may not exceed 250 KB! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dual Cee Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 Like it but:“And Vakama.” Vakama halted in his tracks just at the exit. “Just don’t do anything stupid”:)Also I like the dual metru contacts I hope they will stay so, in the future make the meetings longer and more complex like the whenua/nuju meeting. Just a question: What went different in this timeline to split it from the maen universe? Quote I'm back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CeeCee Posted December 2, 2012 Author Share Posted December 2, 2012 Like it but:“And Vakama.” Vakama halted in his tracks just at the exit. “Just don’t do anything stupid” :)Also I like the dual metru contacts I hope they will stay so, in the future make the meetings longer and more complex like the whenua/nuju meeting. Just a question: What went different in this timeline to split it from the maen universe? Hmmm Im not sure what you mean.Dual Metru contacts? I actually plan to have Nuju and Whenua quit close as well. The rivalry between Metru's will be fore Nuju and Onewa. As for the meetings, I am doing it chapter by chapter At the moment we have three groups. Whenua and MatauNuju and OnewaVakama and Nokama They arent going their separate ways anytime soon. Also this isnt an alternate universe. Its more of a "reboot" if you like. Like how Nolan did for Batman. Same core plot but could change a lot of things Quote Signature Guidelines: Avatar and signature total file size may not exceed 250 KB! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dual Cee Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Oh sorry with the dual-metru contacts I just meant contacts between two persons from different metrus. And about the reboot thing, we don't have comics in europe. Quote I'm back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mistergryphon Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Great story, I can't wait to finish it all - I might make my own epic sometime because I love to write! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CeeCee Posted December 3, 2012 Author Share Posted December 3, 2012 Great story, I can't wait to finish it all - I might make my own epic sometime because I love to write! You should definitely. My first epic was pretty bad and Im by no means amazing now, but i have improved a lot. I love writing to and I genuinely find it fun. Oh sorry with the dual-metru contacts I just meant contacts between two persons from different metrus. And about the reboot thing, we don't have comics in europe. What do you mean comics. Im basing it of the story not the comics.(well the comics do tell the story of bionicle but you know what I mean) Quote Signature Guidelines: Avatar and signature total file size may not exceed 250 KB! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dual Cee Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 No I meant about the reboot in europe a story never gets a reboot thats why I assumed it to be an alternate universe. In europe we don't have comics at all. So things like reboots are unknown to me. Quote I'm back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CeeCee Posted December 3, 2012 Author Share Posted December 3, 2012 No I meant about the reboot in europe a story never gets a reboot thats why I assumed it to be an alternate universe. In europe we don't have comics at all. So things like reboots are unknown to me. Its not done just done in comics at all. In fact the example I gave was a film(Batman) Its done all the time, other wise known as a remake Quote Signature Guidelines: Avatar and signature total file size may not exceed 250 KB! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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