6 replies to this topic

[Tehurye]

A little bit of backstory: I recently felt the urge to write, so I dug through my folder of half-baked stories and came up with this one. I'm not sure about what my mood was when I started this story (it must have been several months ago) but I must have been in the mood for something creepy. Also, this is not an entry into any contest. The relation to the Tablet of Transit theme is purely coincedential. But fun.

Darkness

by Tehurye

The furious storm pounded in vain at the window pane, trying to break in. Discouraged, it seemed to move its attempts to the front door, but again to no avail. As if in retribution for being foiled, it lashed at the soil and rock outside with relentless fury. Tomorrow, the area would be battered and flooded.

But inside the building, however, all was quiet, dry, and warm. And that’s just as it should be, mused the diminutive Onu-Matoran as he eased himself into his desk chair. Calm and quiet. Just right for me. He ran his hand along the arm rest of his chair, and smiled to himself. His office in the Archives had become a home to him, literally as well as figuratively.

A knock at the room’s single door broke the silence. “Come in!” called the seated Matoran. The door eased open, slowly at first, then with more vigor. “I’m sorry, Doctor, I hope I didn’t disturb you...” said the Le-Matoran at the doorway, just as diminutive, if not more so, than the one he was addressing.

“That’s alright, Avi”, assured the Onu-Matoran. “I was just getting ready for some late night work. Important things, you know.”

Clearly a bit more at ease, Avi grinned. “I’m used to it by now. Just don’t stay up too late working – I think you need more sleep than you’ve been getting - if you’ll pardon me for saying so. I’ve finished cleaning and storing all the stasis canisters in the Wing B chambers, so... will that be all for tonight?”

The seated Matoran grinned back. “Yes, that will be all. Don’t worry; I’ll get my sleep tonight. I just want to take a quick look at an artifact – just a late arrival, from the mines. Get along now – head to bed yourself.”

“Alright”, replied Avi. “Goodnight, Doc.”

“Goodnight”, said the Onu-Matoran, as Avi shut the door.

The Matoran archaeologist smiled inwardly. Avi, his young laboratory assistant, could be rather timid and apologetic at times – but he had a kind and helpful heart, and was always eager to please. I only hope that he didn’t drop one of those stasis canisters like last week, he considered. Now that was a disaster!

The small Matoran chuckled at the memory, then turned to his desk... and the object lying there.

The artifact...

It had been uncovered just that afternoon. Deep in the lightstone mines, the Onu-Matoran miners had bored straight into a massive cave. This artifact had been lying at a slant against one of the walls, as if it had been deliberately placed. It was an unusually clean cave, they had said.

“Almost artificial”, they described it. I’ll have to ask them for more details, the doctor considered. Or, better yet, perhaps I should go there myself... but first things first. These are strange markings...

He ran his hand over the cool, smooth stone. The artifact was an angular object of solid rock, clearly designed with a crystalline aesthetic in mind. It was flawlessly carved, without a scratch or a dent along its whole surface, save six, inwardly slanting lines on one of the four facets, and an almost imperceptibly faint set of curving lines above these.

The Onu-Matoran turned the object around in his hands, held it up to a lightstone, even spun it around on his desk top, but there seemed to be little evidence to determine the origin of the artifact.

Or, more importantly, what it meant.

Perhaps its destiny has long since come to pass...

The doctor leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes, and thought to himself. I tried holding it up to a light... perhaps, the opposite...

Playing on this hunch, he covered up the lightstone that provided illumination to his work area. In the darkness, his tiny heartlight glowed faintly, slowly pulsing with his life energy. With hands that trembled ever so slightly, he lifted the object close to his eyes. He turned it over... then over again. The strange, lined markings on the unique facet pulsed feebly. He rotated it again –

Wait... they pulsed.

Rapidly turning the object once more, the doctor scanned the marked side. Sure enough, the markings pulsed with a faint, red-brown light - weakly at first, then with greater strength, until the markings were clearly visible. With terrifying rapidness, the markings deepened, fleshed out, extended, until there could be no doubt as to what they represented...

There was fear on the Matoran’s face now; a cold, paralyzing fear, illuminated only by the faint yet rapid pulsing of his heartlight, now seemingly eclipsed by the glow of that terrible inscription.

Blindly, he turned from his desk; blindly, he staggered to his feet. In the midst of his stupor of fear, he tried to clear his thoughts.

There may yet be something that I can do, he murmured. Clutching at his heartlight, which now began to pulse more slowly, yet with more strength, he took courage. Sliding the now dark and cold artifact into a shoulder pack, he slung it over his back and felt around in his desk for the hidden drawer. It opened easily...

He took the emergency freeze Kanoka disk that was hidden there, and started for the door...

It was ajar.

The cold fear returned, striking his heart like the blow of a Tarakava. I’m certain that Avi had shut it securely...

A sliding, shifting sound above his head caused him to look up – and he knew no more.

------------------

The large being, nearly invisible in the darkness with his onyx armor - even after he had deactivated his cloaking device - stood over the motionless body. Clutching the tablet that he had removed from the body, he allowed himself a small chuckle.

“I waited a long time for this... Doctor.”

-----------------

I write for two reasons:

1. Because it's fun!

2. Because I want to learn how to write better stories so that I can have more fun!

Oh, and there might be a bit about "for the community's sake" somewhere in there. Of course there is.

So I really appreciate criticism. Please don't feel bad about telling me what's wrong with my story, because that will help me to learn. Just post your negative views, and I'll be sure to send my Vahki after you. I'm joking, of course, please, criticize away.

Thanks for reading.

Edited by Tehurye, Nov 09 2012 - 08:57 AM.

[Axilus Prime]

Wow. This is truly great work, in my opinion. Your vivid descriptions are great, especially to one such as myself, who has never been able to grasp that very well.

The tone and feeling are things you did amazingly on. At the beginning, I heard the Harry Potter theme song gently in my head, another day's work, with a bit of mystic to it. Then the stone...

The stone gave me a strange feeling, like when I first faced the Flood. The anticipation, and finally the explosive horror that didn't fall short.

Overall, this was a great short story. I only wish I knew what it was about.

[Tehurye]

That's pretty much the point, actually. You're not supposed to know everything... it's a mystery. Like the Flood.

I actually thought that my descriptions were a bit forced... maybe I'm better than I thought? Trust me, when you write a story like this, it doesn't have half of the emotional effect on you than it does on the audience. You have to read it so many times for proofreading...

Thanks a lot!

[Chro]

Neat story! I actually do agree with TNG, the descriptions were good, and for the most part they didn't seem very forced. One thing that slightly confused me was that there was rain falling outside his office, whereas the Archives system is almost entirely underground. Could be an above-ground extension, I guess.
Another thing- upon seeing the topic title and reading the very end, I like to think that it was actually the Dark Hunter by the name of Darkness all along, retrieving the Tablet for some unknown purpose. Was that intentional? Because if it was, that'd be really awesome.

Trust me, when you write a story like this, it doesn't have half of the emotional effect on you than it does on the audience. You have to read it so many times for proofreading...

Yes, that's very true.

[Tehurye]

Neat story! I actually do agree with TNG, the descriptions were good, and for the most part they didn't seem very forced. One thing that slightly confused me was that there was rain falling outside his office, whereas the Archives system is almost entirely underground. Could be an above-ground extension, I guess.
Another thing- upon seeing the topic title and reading the very end, I like to think that it was actually the Dark Hunter by the name of Darkness all along, retrieving the Tablet for some unknown purpose. Was that intentional? Because if it was, that'd be really awesome.

Trust me, when you write a story like this, it doesn't have half of the emotional effect on you than it does on the audience. You have to read it so many times for proofreading...

Yes, that's very true.

Yes, it it supposed to be an above-ground extension. I suppose that I should have thought that one through a bit more... but the furious strom gives it a scarier feel.

Think what you want... I may be the only one who ever knows what's really going on...

Thanks for reading it, and enjoying it!

[Zaxvo]

Hi, it's Zaxvo from the SSCC! Sorry, I'm a tad late with this.

Well, first, I really enjoyed this. The mystery and suspense is well-written, and I was never really sure what was going to happen. Well done.

One of the things about the plot that I didn't like was that, yes, I know you're going for a "fear of the unknown" concept, but at the same time, you can't hide any big details like that...I never really understood whether or not the killer came into the office from outside to retrieve the stone, or if the killer came FROM the stone itself.

In terms of grammar, it's a general convention that when someone is speaking, the comma goes inside the the quotation marks, like so:

"Oh, ok, I get this now," he said.

Other than that your grammar was good.

Overall, a good, intriguing story, well-written characters. I liked it. There's the issue with the quotations, but that's small, and then just the ending was a bit unclear, but in general, a great work of writing.

By the way...was the stone meant to be the Makuta stone from the island Mata Nui? Or something else?

[Tehurye]

Hi, it's Zaxvo from the SSCC! Sorry, I'm a tad late with this.

Well, first, I really enjoyed this. The mystery and suspense is well-written, and I was never really sure what was going to happen. Well done.

One of the things about the plot that I didn't like was that, yes, I know you're going for a "fear of the unknown" concept, but at the same time, you can't hide any big details like that...I never really understood whether or not the killer came into the office from outside to retrieve the stone, or if the killer came FROM the stone itself.

In terms of grammar, it's a general convention that when someone is speaking, the comma goes inside the the quotation marks, like so:

"Oh, ok, I get this now," he said.

Other than that your grammar was good.

Overall, a good, intriguing story, well-written characters. I liked it. There's the issue with the quotations, but that's small, and then just the ending was a bit unclear, but in general, a great work of writing.

By the way...was the stone meant to be the Makuta stone from the island Mata Nui? Or something else?

Oh, it's okay. I'm fine with waiting until you have the time.

Thanks... the killer was supposed to have come from outside, while the doctor was distracted, and snuck around with his cloaking device thingy on.

I see... I'll try and fix that grammar issue next time I do something like this.

Well, actually... The details about what it actually is (and what's actually going on) are supposed to be a secret. Of course, I want to tell someone, but that might ruin the mystery. If you want to know the whole truth, just PM me.

Thanks a lot for giving your time and energy! The SSCC are the best!