8 replies to this topic

[sonyaxe]

Okay, this is the review topic for The Chronicles.

Review well, and I will give you a cookie!

Here is the story link.

http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=7732

Edited by sonyaxe, Nov 27 2012 - 07:24 PM.

[CeeCee]

The writing is decent, but the chapter is very short. Also the story doesnt sound very Bionicle so I would recommend putting it in COT. And as for the names, if you were going to change them you might as well change them into more... bionicle names instead of names like chris. All in all, its too short to call judgment on. Also at the bottom you say "Character that are going to be in this story" Why not introduce them all through the means of story telling instead of giving us a list.
If you are struggling for things to put in your chapter, try adding scenery description and sensory details to bulk it up a little bit.

Keep at it and good luck, but i would advise redoing chapter 1 before starting Chapter 2

Edited by III IV VII, Nov 26 2012 - 04:48 AM.

[sonyaxe]

Thank you for the advice, but I am setting up the story. I couldn't just say, then Makuta attacked the school. You will see where I am going with this in chapter 2. And I will tweak chapter one a lot.

Edit: Chapter one edited, and here is a Hau since there aren't cookies.

Edited by sonyaxe, Nov 26 2012 - 07:28 PM.

[CeeCee]

Oh I see. Either way, you need to make that all apparent in the first chapter. You lead people to be confused. And my other points still stand the same, if not more

[sonyaxe]

I edited it. Is it better now?

[CeeCee]

it is a lot better, however there are a few things I personally think could be improved

"A building fell in front of me, and I stopped"

I dont like this. For something that is really quite catastrophic, you seem dont seem really bothered. Try adding a bit more description to this moments.

As for the dream, Im sorry but the fact every one is really scared by it seems a bit extreme. Dont get me wrong, its a good plot tool and idea, but try describing how real the dream felt you you. Maybe say that you wouldn't normally feel like this but this one was different.

Keep it up man.

[sonyaxe]

Chapter 2 is up, please review.

Edited by sonyaxe, Nov 29 2012 - 06:59 PM.

[TNTOS]

TNTOS here, from the ECC. I'll try not to ramble too much, heh .

First off, I'd like to point out that you are very consistent in your chosen point of view (POV) type, which is the first person. POV can be hard to keep consistent, especially first person, but thus far you've done an excellent job of it. Keep it up.

As for the plot, it seems fairly run-of-the-mill so far. "Kids go to Bionicle world and get into trouble" is what it amounts to currently, although I'm sure it will expand as you post more chapters. Not much to comment on, really, although I don't get why Jake called his friends to his house if he didn't know about the portal until he got there himself. Nor do you explain why Jake thought putting them together in the shape of a portal would even work.

As for the characters, there really doesn't seem to be much to them so far, except for Kai. It's easy to develop the main character at the expense of all the others when using first person, so try to find a way to keep the world from revolving around Kai too much.

Your spelling, grammar, and punctuation are a little off at times. Take this for example:

"Wierd." Andy said.

It is spelled "weird," not "wierd."

Also, change the period to a comma. Because the dialogue and the speech tag are part of the same sentence, you do not put a period at the end the dialogue except under certain circumstances.

I also noticed another error here:

Remembering my manners, I responded with a classic answer. "I'm me, and can't be anything but me." I said with a slight smirk. In the background, I think Jake snickered. Politics be ######, I had been waiting to say that for AGES.

Looks like the word filter ate your word. I recommend changing it to something that is more BZP-friendly because the censor stands out in a very annoying way.

Also, why did Kai decide that that moment was the perfect time to be snarky? He had no way of knowing that they would survive or that Turaga Dume wouldn't interpret his snark as hostility. It's not even a particularly funny line, anyway, which just makes it all the more strange, in my opinion.

"No." A simple answer, and one that I wasn't hoping for. I switched to pig Latin, and shouted to Jason: "(translation) Make this place go boom!" He cackled maniacally, and the wall behind him exploded, (where does he get those dang military grade explosives?) propelling him forward amid a cloud of debris.

This doesn't make a whole lot of sense, either. I know Kai wondered where Jason got the explosives, but that doesn't help the problem at all. Where could a (presumably) thirteen-year-old boy get his hands on military grade explosives? Furthermore, how did he active them when his hands are chained to the wall? And why didn't the Vahki confiscate the explosives when they chained up the kids in the first place? Did they not bother check the kids for possible weapons?

I am not pointing these things out to make you feel dumb, if you are thinking that. I'm simply addresing some mistakes all writers make at one point or another so you can avoid making these kinds of mistakes in the future; in other words, so you can improve as a writer. I apologize if I've been too harsh.

Overall, I have a hard time judging this story so far, since you've posted so little right now. Right now it's not very impressive. Not terrible, as your POV type is consistent, but it could be better. I recommend applying my advice to your future chapters, since many of the problems I pointed out here recur throughout your whole story, not just once or twice.

Keep on writing!

-TNTOS-

[sonyaxe]

Thank you for your review, it is really helpful.

 

First off, Jake's idea about the portal will be explained later.

 

As for the spelling, I have fixed that in the the future chapters. But thank you for pointing that type of error out, I will fix those in the posts I make later.

 

I blame auto correct, it was changed from danged to... well, you know.

 

Jason actually does have near military grade explosives, I based him on a friend from real life. And my line of reasoning on why the Vhaki didn't take them was because they didn't know what they were. Plus, he is an expert lock picker, and can use a variety of weapons.

 

Thank you so much for your review, I wrote a chapter trying to follow your advice, hopefully it is good.