Edited by sonyaxe, Nov 27 2012 - 07:24 PM.
Posted Nov 25 2012 - 11:23 PM
Posted Nov 26 2012 - 04:45 AM
Edited by III IV VII, Nov 26 2012 - 04:48 AM.
Posted Nov 26 2012 - 09:49 AM
Edited by sonyaxe, Nov 26 2012 - 07:28 PM.
Posted Nov 26 2012 - 11:29 AM
Posted Nov 28 2012 - 07:52 AM
Posted Nov 29 2012 - 12:29 AM
Chapter 2 is up, please review.
Edited by sonyaxe, Nov 29 2012 - 06:59 PM.
Posted Feb 06 2013 - 04:31 PM
"Wierd." Andy said.It is spelled "weird," not "wierd."Also, change the period to a comma. Because the dialogue and the speech tag are part of the same sentence, you do not put a period at the end the dialogue except under certain circumstances.I also noticed another error here:
Remembering my manners, I responded with a classic answer. "I'm me, and can't be anything but me." I said with a slight smirk. In the background, I think Jake snickered. Politics be ######, I had been waiting to say that for AGES.Looks like the word filter ate your word. I recommend changing it to something that is more BZP-friendly because the censor stands out in a very annoying way.Also, why did Kai decide that that moment was the perfect time to be snarky? He had no way of knowing that they would survive or that Turaga Dume wouldn't interpret his snark as hostility. It's not even a particularly funny line, anyway, which just makes it all the more strange, in my opinion.
"No." A simple answer, and one that I wasn't hoping for. I switched to pig Latin, and shouted to Jason: "(translation) Make this place go boom!" He cackled maniacally, and the wall behind him exploded, (where does he get those dang military grade explosives?) propelling him forward amid a cloud of debris.This doesn't make a whole lot of sense, either. I know Kai wondered where Jason got the explosives, but that doesn't help the problem at all. Where could a (presumably) thirteen-year-old boy get his hands on military grade explosives? Furthermore, how did he active them when his hands are chained to the wall? And why didn't the Vahki confiscate the explosives when they chained up the kids in the first place? Did they not bother check the kids for possible weapons?I am not pointing these things out to make you feel dumb, if you are thinking that. I'm simply addresing some mistakes all writers make at one point or another so you can avoid making these kinds of mistakes in the future; in other words, so you can improve as a writer. I apologize if I've been too harsh.Overall, I have a hard time judging this story so far, since you've posted so little right now. Right now it's not very impressive. Not terrible, as your POV type is consistent, but it could be better. I recommend applying my advice to your future chapters, since many of the problems I pointed out here recur throughout your whole story, not just once or twice.Keep on writing!-TNTOS-
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Posted Feb 20 2013 - 08:10 PM
Thank you for your review, it is really helpful.
First off, Jake's idea about the portal will be explained later.
As for the spelling, I have fixed that in the the future chapters. But thank you for pointing that type of error out, I will fix those in the posts I make later.
I blame auto correct, it was changed from danged to... well, you know.
Jason actually does have near military grade explosives, I based him on a friend from real life. And my line of reasoning on why the Vhaki didn't take them was because they didn't know what they were. Plus, he is an expert lock picker, and can use a variety of weapons.
Thank you so much for your review, I wrote a chapter trying to follow your advice, hopefully it is good.
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