8 replies to this topic

[Blendercat Toa of Coldplay]

Discuss and review my epic Resistance here.

Chapter 1: http://www.bzpower.c...topic=775]Here.[/url]

[Alena Spirit of Hyperness]

*Cracks knuckles* Been a while since I did a review! Lesse if I got the good ol' reviewin' talent still! ;3

ANYWAYS... It would appear that this story is off to a rather promising start! A tad bit rushed, but every author has that issue, what with the way they can word such things. I certainly like the idea that you did implement into the story, sorta reminds me of communism, if I remember that subject correctly, after the numerous arguments I've been in with others on it correctly... (Which I probably don't! My memory is VERY short-term.)

A grammatical error here and there, but IMO, it's not really anything to be seriously concerned about. =P You seem to do good in that area, although hopefully when/if (I say if because I have seen SO MANY promising stories having the first chappy posted here... Only never to be touched again, which is quite a shame, since some seemed REALLY good.) you DO post another chapter, then make sure you concentrate on the speed of your writing. Judging by the plot-line of your story, each chapter could easily be around 5 pages in length. =P Not sayin' you have to make them that long, but try to concentrate on length and detail a bit more! I'm not sure about whoever else may read this, but I LOVE good, long chapter. Especially if it's going to be a bi-weekly update! So you should have plenty of time to write out a nice long story, check it for mistakes and such, and then post it.

(HURK! I feel so out of shape in reviewing! XD )

Is that it? Probably. XD Normally I'm better at this job! BZP has been down for wayyy to long! XD Normally I'm a much better reviewer than what it feels like I'm giving out ATM! But hopefully it is worthy enough of being decent enough to help ya out. =3 I MAY follow this, though, just to see where it goes! XD

[Blendercat Toa of Coldplay]

*Cracks knuckles* Been a while since I did a review! Lesse if I got the good ol' reviewin' talent still! ;3

ANYWAYS... It would appear that this story is off to a rather promising start! A tad bit rushed, but every author has that issue, what with the way they can word such things. I certainly like the idea that you did implement into the story, sorta reminds me of communism, if I remember that subject correctly, after the numerous arguments I've been in with others on it correctly... (Which I probably don't! My memory is VERY short-term.)

A grammatical error here and there, but IMO, it's not really anything to be seriously concerned about. =P You seem to do good in that area, although hopefully when/if (I say if because I have seen SO MANY promising stories having the first chappy posted here... Only never to be touched again, which is quite a shame, since some seemed REALLY good.) you DO post another chapter, then make sure you concentrate on the speed of your writing. Judging by the plot-line of your story, each chapter could easily be around 5 pages in length. =P Not sayin' you have to make them that long, but try to concentrate on length and detail a bit more! I'm not sure about whoever else may read this, but I LOVE good, long chapter. Especially if it's going to be a bi-weekly update! So you should have plenty of time to write out a nice long story, check it for mistakes and such, and then post it.

(HURK! I feel so out of shape in reviewing! XD )

Is that it? Probably. XD Normally I'm better at this job! BZP has been down for wayyy to long! XD Normally I'm a much better reviewer than what it feels like I'm giving out ATM! But hopefully it is worthy enough of being decent enough to help ya out. =3 I MAY follow this, though, just to see where it goes! XD

I wanted to get it out quickly, so I plan to really lengthen the next few chapters. Also, that means more detail as well.

[Blendercat Toa of Coldplay]

Chapter 2 is up!

[Applejack]

Seems promising. But, as Alena said, rushed.
And you need to describe a few more things, like what's the name of the island their on, who's in controll of the government, how do the guards feel about serving evil, why aren't the Toa guards, what kind of beings are the guards?
I'll probably continue to read this, though, because it's still a pretty good epic.

[Omega Deception]

Seems good so far but as the others have said you should include more detail and stuff. I will continue to read it, can't wait for the next chapter.

[Blendercat Toa of Coldplay]

Seems promising. But, as Alena said, rushed.
And you need to describe a few more things, like what's the name of the island their on, who's in controll of the government, how do the guards feel about serving evil, why aren't the Toa guards, what kind of beings are the guards?
I'll probably continue to read this, though, because it's still a pretty good epic.

I intend to fill out some of that stuff, but keep in mind that, in the position of most guards, they think that they are fighting for good. I find the comment about the island to be pointless; this is in no way the same universe that we know as Bionicle.

[Applejack]

That is true, but you haven't really given a good description of what the place they live, looks like.
And how could the guards think that they're fighting for good? That is something I find interesting. Maybe you could explore that?

[Blendercat Toa of Coldplay]

OK, well, I dunno, Urban. I was trying to focus more on some action.

With the guards, they believe that the cause they fight for is good, as this is the way they think a society should be run. There's always a few like that.