Hello and welcome all to my latest comedy, BIONICLE: The Legend Imploded, which is also the final comedy in my trilogy of BIONICLE parodies, collectively known as the Legend Trilogy. If you wish to read the last two comedies, BIONICLE: The Legend Reloaded and BIONICLE: The Legend Exploded, you can find links to them in my library here.
Table of Contents:
Now enjoy the prologue AND the first chapter in one post:
Prologue: For the Laziest Readers
Because the author knows that the nature of humanity makes laziness an inherent characteristic of all sapient beings who read (except for our future alien overlords, of course), this prologue shall act as a glorified dump of information and shall provide new readers with the unnecessary information they need to know about what happened in the last two comedies, as well as providing old readers a chance to renew their memory. Much of this knowledge is superfluous and frivolous, but fret not, for I assure you, dear reader, that it is entertaining much the same.
In the first comedy, BIONICLE: The Legend Reloaded, resident gun-toting
serial killer hero Mata Nui returned home from hunting cybernetic demon wolves only to discover that his lady friend, Kiina, had been kidnapped by a gang called the Skrall. Its leader, the Tuma, left Mata Nui a letter demanding an extraordinary number of paper currency by the end of the week or Mata Nui would never see Kiina ever again.
Distraught by this news, Mata Nui's sanity snapped at last and he decided to settle things with cowboy diplomacy. To do thus, Mata Nui recruited three old friends who would work as his diplomats: Ackar, an elderly fellow who had slain one million men during the War; Gresh, a quick-speaking youth whose exotic accent confounded even the best linguists; and 'Double Barrel' Berix, an Agori whose skills and personality defy description (in other words, he is a complete lunatic).
With his diplomats by his side, Mata Nui went and confronted the Tuma and the Skrall. He and his fellow diplomats winningly slaughtered the brutes and savages and rescued the fair damsel Kiina, only to discover that the true foe was the fair weather friend Metus, who in turn was under the control of a demonic pagan entity called Destruction, who in turn was the child of the deity known only as the Abyss.
With help from a friendly entity known as Super Planet, Mata Nui and his diplomats soundly defeated the Abyss (or Abyss, for the author's apathy toward consistency made it exceedingly difficult to know the deity's exact name). And so Mata Nui and his diplomats returned home (this prologue leaves out the ninja subplot, but all are in agreement that the ninja subplot was extraneous and included by the author for no other reason than to increase the word count, hence its omission in this dump of information).
Yet all was not right with our heroes. In the next story, BIONICLE: The Legend Exploded, while Mata Nui was thus relaxing in his home, he received a letter from a group of thugs known as Dah Element Lords. They revealed that they had kidnapped two of Mata Nui's friends, Gresh and Berix, and demanded that Mata Nui give them 80 trillion dollars by the end of the week or Mata Nui would never see his friends again.
The observant reader will notice that this is nearly the exact same plot as the last comedy, but Mata Nui, bless his pure heart, was by no means an observant reader. How could he, when he was the main character of the story which you are reading about currently?
So Mata Nui gathered his remaining diplomats, Ackar and Kiina, and went on another rousing adventure to find his friends. Along the way, Mata Nui recruited four new diplomats: Bucket-head the Skrall, an idiotic savage who is nonetheless a credit to his race; Oris, a Glatorian who is often mistaken for the famous stage actor Orlando Bloom; and Tera and Likus, two master musicians whose prowess with the air guitar is unmatched by any other being in the Empire.
After many exciting and interesting predicaments, Mata Nui and his diplomats arrived at the Great Volcano Night Club, which was the headquarters of the infamous Dah Element Lords. Here they clashed with Dah Element Lords, culminating in an epic showdown between Animus -- a terrific fusion of Dah Element Lords -- and Utopia Perfectia, a similar amalgamation of Mata Nui and his diplomats.
After a rather ungentlemanly battle, Utopia Perfectia bested Animus and saved the day. Thus, Mata Nui and his diplomats rescued Gresh and Berix and then returned home to return to their normal lives (if the word 'normal' could be used to describe the lives of people as extraordinary as they!).
Yet not everything was perfect. As Mata Nui reclined in his rocking chair outside his house, he received a letter from his previously unknown adversary, Makuta Teridax. Teridax's letter demanded Mata Nui meet him in a duel, lest Teridax trouble himself and come all the way to Mata Nui"s house himself (this would have been impractical, you see, for it is exceedingly difficult to get a carriage in Spherus Magna, a society which has none).
Like the gentleman he was, Mata Nui made the decision to go meet Teridax himself. To do this, however, Mata Nui decided he would need to recruit his old diplomatic friends while at the same time acknowledging the need for new ones (seeing as this is satire, the author wastes no time in making sure that new characters -- or rather, I should say, caricatures -- are added to the main cast, however superfluous their impact on the story itself might be).
Thus ends the narrative up until this point. We will now move onto present day, in which Mata Nui is currently trying to recruit two new gentlemen to join his band of rogues. Though these gentlemen are old friends of Mata Nui, they have chosen until this point to 'not exist,' as the author put it, because 'I [the author] did not plan this far ahead.'
And so the final chapter in this remarkable and extraordinary trilogy has begun.
-Dr. John H. Watson, 221b Baker Street, London, England, December 1st, 1881
Chapter 1: An Offer
Mata Nui sat down at the table and stared at the two beings he was meeting. He had already been sitting down, but had chosen to sit down again in order to make a point (although as it was Mata Nui forgot what that point had been).
The tavern in which Mata Nui was meeting his new companions was a loud and rowdy place. Drunkards sat at the bar, singing drinking songs that cannot be repeated here due to their inappropriate lyrics. Suffice to say, if you know anything about classical music, you would be offended by these songs.
A low cloud of heavy smoke seemed to hang above their heads, suspended as it was from the ceiling by a thick length of rope. It is safe to warn you, the readers, that this story generally ignores logic, coherency, and of course sanity, so please shut off your minds for the duration of this story, lest your brains fry from attempting to come up with logical explanations for every extraordinary thing that occurs here.
"All right," said Mata Nui, leaning forward in his chair. "What can I do to get you guys to help me?"
The two gentlemen Mata Nui had spoken to were Toa. One was of a crimson coloration, carrying a rifle that looked remarkably like flame, while the other was white and carried twin shotguns that looked remarkably like shotguns.
The red one, who is called Tahu, yawned loudly and said, "Nothing. I've told you once, Mata Nui, and I've told you twice, I'm not going to work with you. Just because we're friends on Facebook doesn't mean I have to come to your aid whenever you need it."
"But we're war buddies!" said Mata Nui, clasping his hands together as though in prayer. "You were there when I thought I killed Teridax the first time! We've been through so much together!"
"You can't convince me Teridax is still alive," said Tahu, folding his arms and pouting like a child. "The letter you showed me is written in crayon. It could have been written by anybody."
"Takanuva, my friend," said Mata Nui, turning his attention to the fairer of the two. "You believe me, don't you?"
Takanuva scratched his head and said, "Geez, Mata Nui, I dunno. I mean, you sure sound serious about Teridax being back and all that, but on the other hand, I dunno, man."
"So yes or no?" Mata Nui asked.
"I dunno, man," said Takanuva, shaking his head. "I mean . . . I dunno."
Mata Nui sighed in frustration and said to Tahu, "Tahu, come on. I need your and Takanuva's help. I have a feeling Teridax will attack at any moment."
"Yeah, right," said Tahu, rolling his eyes. "Teridax died years ago. You're just paranoid. Probably post-traumatic stress disorder or something."
"I dunno, man," said Takanuva, looking at Mata Nui with uncertainty. "He seems pretty convinced, but then again, I dunno, man."
"What will it take for me to convince you that Teridax is back and we need your help?" said Mata Nui, smashing the table with his fists. "I mean, we don't need your help, but it would be nice if you helped."
"In order for me to believe your claim, I'd have to see Teridax himself burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid guy," said Tahu, nodding at the wall on the far side of the room. "The odds of that happening, however, are-"
At that moment, the wall which Tahu had indicated suddenly exploded and a giant being in black, rusty-looking armor burst through holding a gigantic pitcher of red liquid. The being wore an ugly-looking mask that bespoke of evil and indigestion, if my medical analysis is correct.
"OH YEAH!!" the being exclaimed, causing everyone in the room to look at him. "Makuta Teridax is in the house!"
Mata Nui smirked at Tahu's dumbfounded expression. "See? I was right and you were wrong and I am never, ever going to let you forget this. Neener neener."
"Impossible," said Tahu. "How could Teridax still be alive?"
"I dunno, man," said Takanuva, shaking his head again. "I mean . . . I dunno."
Then the being known as Teridax turned his attention to Mata Nui, Tahu, and Takanuva. The Makuta smiled evilly as he tossed the pitcher of Kool-Aid away. When the pitcher landed on the people sitting at the bar, it exploded, thus incinerating them. The author has informed me, however, that these people were not really hurt in the explosion and that it was all really just an illusion created by CGI.
"Mata Nui," said Teridax with a smug tone. "Long time no see, old friend."
"Teridax," said Mata Nui, standing up with his two friends. "What are you doing here?"
"You remember what my letter said," said Teridax. "If you did not come to fight me, I would come to you. And so I have."
Tahu glanced down at the letter Mata Nui had shown him, which was written in crayon, as has been already established. "Why did you write it in crayon?"
"Crayon is untraceable because so many children use crayons," said Teridax. "You'd have to interrogate every child in the world before you discovered that it was an adult who had written a letter with crayon!"
"But you weren't trying to hide yourself," Tahu observed. "You explicitly signed your signature at the bottom."
"Do shut up," Teridax informed him.
"Teridax, this isn't the right time," said Mata Nui. "I mean, yeah, you did prove my point, but don't you know that I only ever fight the Big Bad at the end of every story? This is the beginning, moron."
"Oh, I know, Mata Nui, I know,' said Teridax with a dark smile. "That is why I have chosen to attack you now rather than later. You are unprepared for this attack, so there is no way I can lose!"
With that, Teridax lunged at our three heroes, but Mata Nui had seen that coming. He kicked a chair through the air and it collided with Teridax, which for some reason exploded. The explosion sent Teridax spinning through the air until he crashed through another wall, creating yet another explosion.
"Pfft," said Mata Nui. "This is gonna be easy."
Just as Mata Nui finished uttering those words, Teridax emerged from the smoking wreckage of the wall he'd crashed into. His armor didn't appear at all damaged; in fact, the Makuta looked almost stronger for the defeat.
"Nice try, Mata Nui," said Teridax as he kicked aside a piece of rubble, which exploded. "But you cannot defeat me so early. Otherwise, where is the story?"
"Arbitrary rules are arbitrary, Teridax," said Mata Nui. "But it does look like I'm going to need a bit more to teach you a lesson. Huzzah!"
Mata Nui raised his hand and a small insect creature, known as Click, climbed up his arm until it reached his palm. With an explosion of light and the most dreadful of guitar playing, the insect known as Click was replaced with a rifle that, the author tells me, is called the 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle, or 40k MGA for short.
With the speed of a cheetah, Mata Nui swept up several chairs and tables and crammed them down his gun's barrel. This caused the gun to glow with built-up energy as Mata Nui took aim and said, "Smoke this!"
Mata Nui pulled the trigger, sending a massive burst of energy from the 40k MGA that flew toward Teridax. Without even blinking, Teridax snapped his fingers, causing the blast from the 40k MGA to implode into nothingness.
"Oh crud," said Mata Nui, looking at his gun. "I did not see that coming."
"Let me take care of him," said Tahu as he stepped forward. "Teridax may be able to destroy energy blasts just by snapping his fingers, but can he take the heat?"
After making that terrible joke, Tahu raised his rifle and fired off several flaming bullets at the Makuta. Teridax took them all, stumbling backwards as he was hit by bullet after bullet. Every spot Tahu hit exploded into flames until the Makuta was completely obscured by the burning fire.
Yet the Makuta did not scream. Instead, he stopped, dropped, and rolled until the fire went out and then he was back on his feet. He smelled oddly of crispy chicken nuggets, which is making me hungry the more I think about it.
"What?" said Tahu in horror. "But burning stuff always works!"
"Takanuva, can you defeat Teridax?" said Mata Nui, glancing at the Toa of Light.
"Well, I dunno man, I might be able to," said Takanuva, scratching the back of his head with one of his shotguns. "But . . . I dunno, man."
"Just try," said Mata Nui, shoving Takanuva forward.
Takanuva stared at Teridax for a moment and then, without warning, ran at the Makuta at the speed of light (pun intended). As he did so, Takanuva's body charged with energy and he body-slammed Teridax, again sending the Makuta flying out of the tavern. When Teridax landed outside, it created a massive earthquake, although the earthquake got bored and left when it realized there were no huge buildings around for it to destroy.
"Good job, Takanuva!" said Mata Nui, giving his friend the thumbs up. "I mean, I could have done that, obviously, but I was feeling generous so-"
At that moment, Teridax rose from the crater he had created. He dashed at Takanuva, who had turned his back on the defeated Makuta, and body-slammed the Toa of Light in the back. The blow sent Takanuva flying through the air screaming like a little child.
Takanuva crashed into the bar, the impact of which created a mini explosion that Mata Nui grabbed and hurled into space, where it would hurt no one.
Then Teridax jumped back into the tavern and dusted off his posh white suit that he was wearing for no reason other than to make a dumb joke about posh white suits.
"Good try," said Teridax. "Now it's my turn."
Teridax vanished and reappeared in front of Mata Nui and Tahu. He grabbed the two heroes and smashed their heads together. This would have killed ordinary individuals, but it should be noted that Mata Nui and Tahu have thicker than usual skulls, so it only hurt a little.
Then Teridax hurled our heroes through another wall (makes you wonder how this place is still standing considering all of the walls they've destroyed already). Mata Nui and Tahu landed hard on the ground, dazed and in pain.
"Hey, Tahu?" said Mata Nui as he sat up, shaking his head.
"Yeah, Mata Nui?" said Tahu, looking at his strange friend.
"I think we should retreat," said Mata Nui. "I mean, not as in, like, run away like schoolgirls or anything, but like strategically retreat and regroup, you know?"
"Yeah, but what about Takanuva?" said Tahu. "He's still-"
It was at that moment that Takanuva went flying out of the back door. He smashed into the ground next to Mata Nui and Tahu, but as he also had an unusually thick skull, he survived without much harm to his cranium.
"There he is," said Mata Nui, pointing at Takanuva. "Now like I was saying-"
Mata Nui was interrupted by the entire tavern exploding. Acting quickly, everyone's favorite action hero created a barrier of energy around him and his friends, protecting them from the deadly flames that would have incinerated them had Mata Nui not acted. When the explosion faded, Mata Nui let the energy barrier down.
Standing in the spot where the tavern used to be was Teridax. He wasn't wearing his posh white suit anymore, but he carried a rather lethal-looking spear, with a sticker on it that read 'MAKUTAFEST '12'.
"Okay, yeah," said Tahu. "We should definitely retreat and regroup. Not run away."
"Yes," said Mata Nui, nodding fervently. "Right, Takanuva?"
"I dunno, man," said Takanuva with a shrug. "I mean . . . I dunno, man."
Teridax began walking toward them, saying as he did so, "There's nowhere you can run and hide now, Mata Nui. Wherever you go, I shall follow. And wherever you follow, I shall go."
That last line didn't quite make sense, but seeing as Teridax was probably going to pound them into pulp, Mata Nui decided to act and not question.
"Ninja smoke bomb!" said Mata Nui as he tossed a ninja smoke bomb in front of him and his allies.
The explosion startled Teridax, briefly obscuring his vision. The Makuta recovered quickly, however, and blew away the smoke with a single gust of wind, but when it passed, Mata Nui, Tahu, and Takanuva were nowhere to be seen.
"Darn it!" said Teridax, stomping his feet. "That's not fair! I wanted to kill him! Wahh!"
Teridax got on his hands and knees and started pounding the ground until he realized just how stupid he looked. Then he immediately stood back up and tried to look as dignified as possible, although after that disgusting performance of immaturity, it didn't seem possible for him to have any dignity left.
"I know what Mata Nui will do next," said Teridax, speaking out loud for some reason. "He is going to get the plot device necessary to defeat me. I must tell my minions to get it before he does!"
So Teridax disappeared in a funky flash of darkness and awesome, thus setting the stage for the rest of this comedy, which will be, in all likelihood, as pretentious and stupid as the last two were. Oh well.
Comments, criticisms, cookies ( ) etc. are all welcome .
Edited by TNTOS, May 11 2013 - 08:42 AM.