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[TNTOS]

Hello and welcome all to my latest comedy, BIONICLE: The Legend Imploded, which is also the final comedy in my trilogy of BIONICLE parodies, collectively known as the Legend Trilogy. If you wish to read the last two comedies, BIONICLE: The Legend Reloaded and BIONICLE: The Legend Exploded, you can find links to them in my library here.

 

Table of Contents:

 

Prologue: For the Laziest Readers & Chapter 1: An Offer
Chapter 2: A Maguffin is Introduced

Chapter 3: Evil Talks

Chapter 4: The Plot Finally Begins

Chapter 5: Fun with Ackar and Kiina

Chapter 6: Action Movie Ambush

Chapter 7: Ice, Ice Baby!

Chapter 8: My Name is Not Bones

Chapter 9: This Feels Like Déjà Vu
Chapter 10: Mind Screw

Chapter 11: The Deathalon

Chapter 12: In Which Bears Make Their Second Appearance

Chapter 13: Mata Nui's Training Exercise

Chapter 14: Another Bear

Chapter 15: The Winners . . . Not!

Chapter 16: Plot Twist (in my pants)!

Chapter 17: The Great Spirit Rises

Chapter 18: This is a Bearly Tolerable Pun

Chapter 19: To the Death

Chapter 20: The Battle is On!

Chapter 21: The Beginning of the End (of the Beginning of the End)

Chapter 22: This time, it's Personal

Chapter 23: Blue forty-two, HIKE!

Chapter 24:Deus ex Machina to the Rescue!

Chapter 25: A Battle so Epic that even the Gods Must Join In

Chapter 26: The Final Battle you've all been Waiting for!

Chapter 27: It goes On and On and On and On!

Now enjoy the prologue AND the first chapter in one post:

Prologue: For the Laziest Readers

Because the author knows that the nature of humanity makes laziness an inherent characteristic of all sapient beings who read (except for our future alien overlords, of course), this prologue shall act as a glorified dump of information and shall provide new readers with the unnecessary information they need to know about what happened in the last two comedies, as well as providing old readers a chance to renew their memory. Much of this knowledge is superfluous and frivolous, but fret not, for I assure you, dear reader, that it is entertaining much the same.

In the first comedy, BIONICLE: The Legend Reloaded, resident gun-toting serial killer hero Mata Nui returned home from hunting cybernetic demon wolves only to discover that his lady friend, Kiina, had been kidnapped by a gang called the Skrall. Its leader, the Tuma, left Mata Nui a letter demanding an extraordinary number of paper currency by the end of the week or Mata Nui would never see Kiina ever again.

Distraught by this news, Mata Nui's sanity snapped at last and he decided to settle things with cowboy diplomacy. To do thus, Mata Nui recruited three old friends who would work as his diplomats: Ackar, an elderly fellow who had slain one million men during the War; Gresh, a quick-speaking youth whose exotic accent confounded even the best linguists; and 'Double Barrel' Berix, an Agori whose skills and personality defy description (in other words, he is a complete lunatic).

With his diplomats by his side, Mata Nui went and confronted the Tuma and the Skrall. He and his fellow diplomats winningly slaughtered the brutes and savages and rescued the fair damsel Kiina, only to discover that the true foe was the fair weather friend Metus, who in turn was under the control of a demonic pagan entity called Destruction, who in turn was the child of the deity known only as the Abyss.

With help from a friendly entity known as Super Planet, Mata Nui and his diplomats soundly defeated the Abyss (or Abyss, for the author's apathy toward consistency made it exceedingly difficult to know the deity's exact name). And so Mata Nui and his diplomats returned home (this prologue leaves out the ninja subplot, but all are in agreement that the ninja subplot was extraneous and included by the author for no other reason than to increase the word count, hence its omission in this dump of information).

Yet all was not right with our heroes. In the next story, BIONICLE: The Legend Exploded, while Mata Nui was thus relaxing in his home, he received a letter from a group of thugs known as Dah Element Lords. They revealed that they had kidnapped two of Mata Nui's friends, Gresh and Berix, and demanded that Mata Nui give them 80 trillion dollars by the end of the week or Mata Nui would never see his friends again.

The observant reader will notice that this is nearly the exact same plot as the last comedy, but Mata Nui, bless his pure heart, was by no means an observant reader. How could he, when he was the main character of the story which you are reading about currently?

So Mata Nui gathered his remaining diplomats, Ackar and Kiina, and went on another rousing adventure to find his friends. Along the way, Mata Nui recruited four new diplomats: Bucket-head the Skrall, an idiotic savage who is nonetheless a credit to his race; Oris, a Glatorian who is often mistaken for the famous stage actor Orlando Bloom; and Tera and Likus, two master musicians whose prowess with the air guitar is unmatched by any other being in the Empire.

After many exciting and interesting predicaments, Mata Nui and his diplomats arrived at the Great Volcano Night Club, which was the headquarters of the infamous Dah Element Lords. Here they clashed with Dah Element Lords, culminating in an epic showdown between Animus -- a terrific fusion of Dah Element Lords -- and Utopia Perfectia, a similar amalgamation of Mata Nui and his diplomats.

After a rather ungentlemanly battle, Utopia Perfectia bested Animus and saved the day. Thus, Mata Nui and his diplomats rescued Gresh and Berix and then returned home to return to their normal lives (if the word 'normal' could be used to describe the lives of people as extraordinary as they!).

Yet not everything was perfect. As Mata Nui reclined in his rocking chair outside his house, he received a letter from his previously unknown adversary, Makuta Teridax. Teridax's letter demanded Mata Nui meet him in a duel, lest Teridax trouble himself and come all the way to Mata Nui"s house himself (this would have been impractical, you see, for it is exceedingly difficult to get a carriage in Spherus Magna, a society which has none).

Like the gentleman he was, Mata Nui made the decision to go meet Teridax himself. To do this, however, Mata Nui decided he would need to recruit his old diplomatic friends while at the same time acknowledging the need for new ones (seeing as this is satire, the author wastes no time in making sure that new characters -- or rather, I should say, caricatures -- are added to the main cast, however superfluous their impact on the story itself might be).

Thus ends the narrative up until this point. We will now move onto present day, in which Mata Nui is currently trying to recruit two new gentlemen to join his band of rogues. Though these gentlemen are old friends of Mata Nui, they have chosen until this point to 'not exist,' as the author put it, because 'I [the author] did not plan this far ahead.'

And so the final chapter in this remarkable and extraordinary trilogy has begun.

-Dr. John H. Watson, 221b Baker Street, London, England, December 1st, 1881

Chapter 1: An Offer

Mata Nui sat down at the table and stared at the two beings he was meeting. He had already been sitting down, but had chosen to sit down again in order to make a point (although as it was Mata Nui forgot what that point had been).

The tavern in which Mata Nui was meeting his new companions was a loud and rowdy place. Drunkards sat at the bar, singing drinking songs that cannot be repeated here due to their inappropriate lyrics. Suffice to say, if you know anything about classical music, you would be offended by these songs.

A low cloud of heavy smoke seemed to hang above their heads, suspended as it was from the ceiling by a thick length of rope. It is safe to warn you, the readers, that this story generally ignores logic, coherency, and of course sanity, so please shut off your minds for the duration of this story, lest your brains fry from attempting to come up with logical explanations for every extraordinary thing that occurs here.

"All right," said Mata Nui, leaning forward in his chair. "What can I do to get you guys to help me?"

The two gentlemen Mata Nui had spoken to were Toa. One was of a crimson coloration, carrying a rifle that looked remarkably like flame, while the other was white and carried twin shotguns that looked remarkably like shotguns.

The red one, who is called Tahu, yawned loudly and said, "Nothing. I've told you once, Mata Nui, and I've told you twice, I'm not going to work with you. Just because we're friends on Facebook doesn't mean I have to come to your aid whenever you need it."

"But we're war buddies!" said Mata Nui, clasping his hands together as though in prayer. "You were there when I thought I killed Teridax the first time! We've been through so much together!"

"You can't convince me Teridax is still alive," said Tahu, folding his arms and pouting like a child. "The letter you showed me is written in crayon. It could have been written by anybody."

"Takanuva, my friend," said Mata Nui, turning his attention to the fairer of the two. "You believe me, don't you?"

Takanuva scratched his head and said, "Geez, Mata Nui, I dunno. I mean, you sure sound serious about Teridax being back and all that, but on the other hand, I dunno, man."

"So yes or no?" Mata Nui asked.

"I dunno, man," said Takanuva, shaking his head. "I mean . . . I dunno."

Mata Nui sighed in frustration and said to Tahu, "Tahu, come on. I need your and Takanuva's help. I have a feeling Teridax will attack at any moment."

"Yeah, right," said Tahu, rolling his eyes. "Teridax died years ago. You're just paranoid. Probably post-traumatic stress disorder or something."

"I dunno, man," said Takanuva, looking at Mata Nui with uncertainty. "He seems pretty convinced, but then again, I dunno, man."

"What will it take for me to convince you that Teridax is back and we need your help?" said Mata Nui, smashing the table with his fists. "I mean, we don't need your help, but it would be nice if you helped."

"In order for me to believe your claim, I'd have to see Teridax himself burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid guy," said Tahu, nodding at the wall on the far side of the room. "The odds of that happening, however, are-"

At that moment, the wall which Tahu had indicated suddenly exploded and a giant being in black, rusty-looking armor burst through holding a gigantic pitcher of red liquid. The being wore an ugly-looking mask that bespoke of evil and indigestion, if my medical analysis is correct.

"OH YEAH!!" the being exclaimed, causing everyone in the room to look at him. "Makuta Teridax is in the house!"

Mata Nui smirked at Tahu's dumbfounded expression. "See? I was right and you were wrong and I am never, ever going to let you forget this. Neener neener."

"Impossible," said Tahu. "How could Teridax still be alive?"

"I dunno, man," said Takanuva, shaking his head again. "I mean . . . I dunno."

Then the being known as Teridax turned his attention to Mata Nui, Tahu, and Takanuva. The Makuta smiled evilly as he tossed the pitcher of Kool-Aid away. When the pitcher landed on the people sitting at the bar, it exploded, thus incinerating them. The author has informed me, however, that these people were not really hurt in the explosion and that it was all really just an illusion created by CGI.

"Mata Nui," said Teridax with a smug tone. "Long time no see, old friend."

"Teridax," said Mata Nui, standing up with his two friends. "What are you doing here?"

"You remember what my letter said," said Teridax. "If you did not come to fight me, I would come to you. And so I have."

Tahu glanced down at the letter Mata Nui had shown him, which was written in crayon, as has been already established. "Why did you write it in crayon?"

"Crayon is untraceable because so many children use crayons," said Teridax. "You'd have to interrogate every child in the world before you discovered that it was an adult who had written a letter with crayon!"

"But you weren't trying to hide yourself," Tahu observed. "You explicitly signed your signature at the bottom."

"Do shut up," Teridax informed him.

"Teridax, this isn't the right time," said Mata Nui. "I mean, yeah, you did prove my point, but don't you know that I only ever fight the Big Bad at the end of every story? This is the beginning, moron."

"Oh, I know, Mata Nui, I know,' said Teridax with a dark smile. "That is why I have chosen to attack you now rather than later. You are unprepared for this attack, so there is no way I can lose!"

With that, Teridax lunged at our three heroes, but Mata Nui had seen that coming. He kicked a chair through the air and it collided with Teridax, which for some reason exploded. The explosion sent Teridax spinning through the air until he crashed through another wall, creating yet another explosion.

"Pfft," said Mata Nui. "This is gonna be easy."

Just as Mata Nui finished uttering those words, Teridax emerged from the smoking wreckage of the wall he'd crashed into. His armor didn't appear at all damaged; in fact, the Makuta looked almost stronger for the defeat.

"Nice try, Mata Nui," said Teridax as he kicked aside a piece of rubble, which exploded. "But you cannot defeat me so early. Otherwise, where is the story?"

"Arbitrary rules are arbitrary, Teridax," said Mata Nui. "But it does look like I'm going to need a bit more to teach you a lesson. Huzzah!"

Mata Nui raised his hand and a small insect creature, known as Click, climbed up his arm until it reached his palm. With an explosion of light and the most dreadful of guitar playing, the insect known as Click was replaced with a rifle that, the author tells me, is called the 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle, or 40k MGA for short.

With the speed of a cheetah, Mata Nui swept up several chairs and tables and crammed them down his gun's barrel. This caused the gun to glow with built-up energy as Mata Nui took aim and said, "Smoke this!"

Mata Nui pulled the trigger, sending a massive burst of energy from the 40k MGA that flew toward Teridax. Without even blinking, Teridax snapped his fingers, causing the blast from the 40k MGA to implode into nothingness.

"Oh crud," said Mata Nui, looking at his gun. "I did not see that coming."

"Let me take care of him," said Tahu as he stepped forward. "Teridax may be able to destroy energy blasts just by snapping his fingers, but can he take the heat?"

After making that terrible joke, Tahu raised his rifle and fired off several flaming bullets at the Makuta. Teridax took them all, stumbling backwards as he was hit by bullet after bullet. Every spot Tahu hit exploded into flames until the Makuta was completely obscured by the burning fire.

Yet the Makuta did not scream. Instead, he stopped, dropped, and rolled until the fire went out and then he was back on his feet. He smelled oddly of crispy chicken nuggets, which is making me hungry the more I think about it.

"What?" said Tahu in horror. "But burning stuff always works!"

"Takanuva, can you defeat Teridax?" said Mata Nui, glancing at the Toa of Light.

"Well, I dunno man, I might be able to," said Takanuva, scratching the back of his head with one of his shotguns. "But . . . I dunno, man."

"Just try," said Mata Nui, shoving Takanuva forward.

Takanuva stared at Teridax for a moment and then, without warning, ran at the Makuta at the speed of light (pun intended). As he did so, Takanuva's body charged with energy and he body-slammed Teridax, again sending the Makuta flying out of the tavern. When Teridax landed outside, it created a massive earthquake, although the earthquake got bored and left when it realized there were no huge buildings around for it to destroy.

"Good job, Takanuva!" said Mata Nui, giving his friend the thumbs up. "I mean, I could have done that, obviously, but I was feeling generous so-"

At that moment, Teridax rose from the crater he had created. He dashed at Takanuva, who had turned his back on the defeated Makuta, and body-slammed the Toa of Light in the back. The blow sent Takanuva flying through the air screaming like a little child.

Takanuva crashed into the bar, the impact of which created a mini explosion that Mata Nui grabbed and hurled into space, where it would hurt no one.

Then Teridax jumped back into the tavern and dusted off his posh white suit that he was wearing for no reason other than to make a dumb joke about posh white suits.

"Good try," said Teridax. "Now it's my turn."

Teridax vanished and reappeared in front of Mata Nui and Tahu. He grabbed the two heroes and smashed their heads together. This would have killed ordinary individuals, but it should be noted that Mata Nui and Tahu have thicker than usual skulls, so it only hurt a little.

Then Teridax hurled our heroes through another wall (makes you wonder how this place is still standing considering all of the walls they've destroyed already). Mata Nui and Tahu landed hard on the ground, dazed and in pain.

"Hey, Tahu?" said Mata Nui as he sat up, shaking his head.

"Yeah, Mata Nui?" said Tahu, looking at his strange friend.

"I think we should retreat," said Mata Nui. "I mean, not as in, like, run away like schoolgirls or anything, but like strategically retreat and regroup, you know?"

"Yeah, but what about Takanuva?" said Tahu. "He's still-"

It was at that moment that Takanuva went flying out of the back door. He smashed into the ground next to Mata Nui and Tahu, but as he also had an unusually thick skull, he survived without much harm to his cranium.

"There he is," said Mata Nui, pointing at Takanuva. "Now like I was saying-"

Mata Nui was interrupted by the entire tavern exploding. Acting quickly, everyone's favorite action hero created a barrier of energy around him and his friends, protecting them from the deadly flames that would have incinerated them had Mata Nui not acted. When the explosion faded, Mata Nui let the energy barrier down.

Standing in the spot where the tavern used to be was Teridax. He wasn't wearing his posh white suit anymore, but he carried a rather lethal-looking spear, with a sticker on it that read 'MAKUTAFEST '12'.

"Okay, yeah," said Tahu. "We should definitely retreat and regroup. Not run away."

"Yes," said Mata Nui, nodding fervently. "Right, Takanuva?"

"I dunno, man," said Takanuva with a shrug. "I mean . . . I dunno, man."

Teridax began walking toward them, saying as he did so, "There's nowhere you can run and hide now, Mata Nui. Wherever you go, I shall follow. And wherever you follow, I shall go."

That last line didn't quite make sense, but seeing as Teridax was probably going to pound them into pulp, Mata Nui decided to act and not question.

"Ninja smoke bomb!" said Mata Nui as he tossed a ninja smoke bomb in front of him and his allies.

The explosion startled Teridax, briefly obscuring his vision. The Makuta recovered quickly, however, and blew away the smoke with a single gust of wind, but when it passed, Mata Nui, Tahu, and Takanuva were nowhere to be seen.

"Darn it!" said Teridax, stomping his feet. "That's not fair! I wanted to kill him! Wahh!"

Teridax got on his hands and knees and started pounding the ground until he realized just how stupid he looked. Then he immediately stood back up and tried to look as dignified as possible, although after that disgusting performance of immaturity, it didn't seem possible for him to have any dignity left.

"I know what Mata Nui will do next," said Teridax, speaking out loud for some reason. "He is going to get the plot device necessary to defeat me. I must tell my minions to get it before he does!"

So Teridax disappeared in a funky flash of darkness and awesome, thus setting the stage for the rest of this comedy, which will be, in all likelihood, as pretentious and stupid as the last two were. Oh well.

-

Comments, criticisms, cookies ( ) etc. are all welcome .

-TNTOS-

Edited by TNTOS, May 11 2013 - 08:42 AM.

[ZHX]

YEEEEEEESSSSS.

 

So begins the final one of the trilogy.

 

Love the lampshades on narrative story-telling by the way.

[TNTOS]

YEEEEEEESSSSS.
 
So begins the final one of the trilogy.
 
Love the lampshades on narrative story-telling by the way.

Glad to see you're excited for it .

Anyway, it's Saturday, which means it's the weekend. Oh, and I have to post the next chapter, but that's not really important. Here it is anyway, though:

Chapter 2: A Maguffin is Introduced

Through the power of plot holes, Mata Nui, Tahu, and Takanuva managed to magically teleport away from the tavern after Mata Nui's melodramatic use of the smoke bomb. They thus ended up in Mata Nui's house; specifically, in Mata Nui's living room, which was pretty bare except for the sofa, the cybernetic demon wolf's wall-mounted head, the big-screen TV, and the eight other people in the room, all of whom had been watching Throwing Stars, a ninja soap opera about movie stars who throw stuff, before Mata Nui and pals appeared.

"Mata Nui!" said Kiina, glancing at him. "Did you use a plot hole to get here? I didn't hear the door open."

"Yep," said Mata Nui, nodding. "Wait, we have a door?"

Tahu and Takanuva were looking at the others in confusion (although I am not sure how they got in confusion, considering confusion is an emotion and not a place or thing). It was then that Mata Nui remembered that his friends hadnt met Tahu and Takanuva before, so he decided to do a pretentious introduction scene. Those were his favorite.

"Well, guys, allow me to introduce you guys to Tahu and Takanuva, guys," said Mata Nui, patting both of his friends on their backs. "They're old war buddies and they're going to help us defeat Teridax."

"I thought we were your old war buddies," said Ackar, gesturing at himself, Gresh, and Berix.

"I have lots of old war buddies," said Mata Nui defensively. "Sorry if the author forgot to tell you that."

Ackar pouted and folded his arms, mumbling, "Stupid new characters. Always upstaging us old ones."

"Anyway," said Mata Nui. "So, Tahu, Takanuva, that old guy was Ackar. He's supposed to be my mentor, but he's more like a cranky next door neighbor."

"I noticed that," said Tahu, nodding.

"And this hot girl right here is Kiina," said Mata Nui, pointing at her. "She's the only female member of the group. And she's mine, so don't you even think about looking at her or I will rip out your eyeballs and stuff them up your-"

"Mata Nui, stop being so rude," Kiina said. "Although it is nice that you'd do such a horrible thing for me. Most guys aren't that considerate."

"I'm very considerate," said Mata Nui. "Anyway, this moron here is named Bucket-head."

Mata Nui pointed at a Skrall who sat on the floor. Although there was plenty of room for Bucket-head on the couch, the others had forced him to sit on the floor due to their natural hatred of him.

"I'm not a moron," said Bucket-head, glaring up at Mata Nui. "I'm actually probably the smartest person here. Not that that's saying much when you consider that the collective IQ of everyone in this room is about minus zero."

"Mata Nui," said Tahu reproachfully. "Your Skrall is so rude."

"Hey," said Likus, an earth Glatorian, as he strummed his air guitar. "Don't diss our Skrall. We've been trying to train him to be polite, haven't we, Tera?"

Tera, an ice Glatorian, nodded, his whole body quaking with fear. "Y-Yes. New people scare me."

"Those two are Likus and Tera," said Mata Nui, pointing at the two. "They're champion air guitarists. I gave them Bucket-head after I saw how much they wanted him."

"I AM NOT A PET!" Bucket-head screamed. "STOP TREATING ME THAT WAY!"

Mata Nui kicked Bucket-head in the face, saying, "Shut up, Bucket-head. No one cares what you think."

Bucket-head grumbled death threats, but no one paid any attention to him because he's stupid.

"Anyway," said Mata Nui as he turned to Oris. "This guy's name is Oris. He can use a bow and he's an actor."

"I consider myself a ladies' man," said Oris, leaning back with his hands folded behind his head. "I'm sexy and I know it."

"No, you're not," said Kiina abruptly. "Just . . . no."

Oris nodded, but it was clear he didn't hear a word Kiina said. "Keep talking, gorgeous."

"Stop flirting with Kiina before I rip out your eyeballs and shove them up your-" said Mata Nui angrily.

"Hey guys," Berix interrupted. "Stop arguing. I'm trying to listen to the pixies."

"Sorry," said Mata Nui, although his tone still bubbled with anger. "I was just trying to make sure Oris knew whose girl Kiina is."

"I know exactly whose girl she is," Oris replied. "No need to be so defensive."

"I'm not defensive," said Mata Nui stubbornly. "You're dumb."

Oris shook his head. "Whatever."

"So anyway," said Mata Nui. "These last two guys are Berix and Gresh. Berix is cool and Gresh no longer has a stupid accent. Right, Gresh?"

"Yeah, Mata Nui!" said Gresh, pumping his fist. "Those speech therapy lessons really paid off! Now I feel like I can save the world from Cthulu himself!"

"He also had a personality change," Mata Nui said.

"My personality is still the same, Mata Nui," said Gresh. "I've just seen the light and realized how great life is! Who's ready for a group hug?"

Instinctively, everyone moved away from Gresh.

"Yeah, no," said Mata Nui. "Say, Berix, how have you been doing?"

"Doing pretty good, Mata Nui," said Berix. "But please don't bother me. I'm having a very serious conversation with the invisible pixies and if you keep talking I won't be able to hear what theyre saying."

"Of course," said Mata Nui. "Pixies are magical and know everything, so I'll try not to interrupt you."

"Good," said Berix. "The pixies are pleased."

"So," said Mata Nui, turning back to Tahu and Takanuva. "You guys got everyone's names down and what makes each of them a unique character?"

The two Toa looked dazed. Not surprising. I'm feeling that way, too, considering how long and drawn-out that introduction scene was.

"Uh," said Tahu, scratching his head. "Let me see . . . there's a hot girl, an old guy, a stupid Skrall, two air guitarist slaveholders, a ladies' man actor guy, an overly optimistic guy, and someone who has clearly just escaped from Arkham Asylum. Right, Takanuva?"

"I dunno, man," said Takanuva. "I mean . . . I dunno, man."

"Well, you got the basics," said Mata Nui. "Anyway, let's get on to the plot, now that everybody knows everybody."

Mata Nui quickly relayed to the others how Teridax had attacked him, Tahu, and Takanuva. Everyone listened. Even Berix took a little time from his conversation with the pixies to listen to Mata Nui's story.

"Teridax is getting bolder," Mata Nui concluded. "And if we don't do something quick, he's probably going to come up to my front door that I didn't even know I had and knock it down."

"How do we stop him?" said Bucket-head. "I mean, if even you, Mata Nui, couldn't beat him, I kind of doubt the rest of us will be able to do anything against him."

"Think positively, Bucket-head!" said Gresh, who was now doing push-ups. "Negative thinking has never gotten anyone anywhere! Why, if I wasn't a positive thinker, I'd still be talking with that dumb accent!"

"We're screwed," Bucket-head said. "Maybe if we give up now Teridax will just make us his slaves for life instead of killing us."

"Shut up," Mata Nui snapped. "No one asked for your opinion, Bucket-head."

"Fine, fine," said Bucket-head, scowling. "I'll just keep my opinions to myself, then. Who cares what a Skrall thinks?"

"Yeah, who does?" said Tahu. "I've only known you for five minutes, Bucket-head, but now I have an irrational hatred in the pit of my stomach for your very soul."

"Like, I do, too, man," said Takanuva. "I mean . . . I dunno, but I hate you, man."

"Everyone does," Bucket-head muttered.

"Back to the subject," said Mata Nui. "Does anyone have any idea that could possibly help us defeat Teridax?"

At first, no one said anything, mostly to build up a dramatic silence (although it was more like awkward silence).

Then Berix raised his hand and said, "Oh, me! Me! Pick me! I have an idea! I have an idea!"

"Speak up, then," said Mata Nui.

Berix hopped off the couch and landed on the TV. He landed on it so hard that the TV imploded, but no one noticed that because such things are a usual occurrence in this comedy. In fact, it would be odd if the TV didn't implode upon Berix landing on it.

"Okay," said Berix. Then he held up one finger and said, "Wait . . . the pixies are telling me something . . ."

Bucket-head sighed heavily, earning him a collective glare from the entire group.

"What?" said Bucket-head, looking at everyone. "Am I the only one convinced that Berix's 'pixies' are nothing more than illusions created by his broken mind?"

"Okay!" said Berix. "The pixies have spoken! They want ice cream! Specifically, chocolate. Not vanilla. They don't like vanilla."

"Interesting, Berix," said Mata Nui, stroking his chin. "I must admit, however, that I fail to see how that will help us defeat Teridax."

"It won't," said Berix. "But the golden armor will."

"The golden armor?" said Tahu, scratching his head. "What's that?"

"It is a magic secret that the pixies revealed to me," Berix replied. "They said that there are six pieces of this golden armor scattered all over the planet. They told me that whoever wears the golden armor will achieve unimaginable, godlike power. Also they still want chocolate ice cream."

"But where did the golden armor come from?" said Mata Nui. "Was it created by interdimensional entities whose consciousness exists far above our own?"

"The pixies said Bob created the golden armor," said Berix. "No idea who Bob is, though."

"We aren't really going to go after this 'golden armor,' are we?" said Bucket-head. "Berix is a crazy delusional moron. He's probably making this all-"

"It's real," Kiina confirmed. "It says so on Wikipedia."

Kiina gestured at her iPad, which showed a Wikipedia article titled 'The Golden Armor.'

"It says Bob made the golden armor," said Ackar, who was reading over Kiina's shoulder impolitely. "And it says that pixies reveal the truth of the golden armor to 'those with hearts as pure as chocolate.'"

"Berix must have read about it on Wikipedia, then," said Bucket-head. "Right, Berix?"

"What's Wikipedia?" said Berix.

"It doesn't matter," said Mata Nui as he cocked his gun. "If both Berix and Wikipedia agree, then it must be true. The golden armor is out there and we have to find it in order to defeat Teridax."

"The pixies say the golden armor is in six parts," said Berix. "And those parts are scattered all over the planet."

"Then we'll have to split up," said Mata Nui. "Berix, where do the pixies say that the parts are located?"

"Hold on a minute . . ." said Berix as he tilted his head to the right, as though listening to someone. "Okay. First piece is in Russia, er, I mean, the Northern Frost. Second piece is deep in the jungles of Bota Magna. The third piece is in Death's Land. The fourth is in Grand Di-Shogun Land. The fifth is in the Maze. And the sixth is in Atero."

"A-Atero?" Tera gasped. "B-But that's w-where Teridax is! Teridax scares me."

"Teridax must know about the golden armor as well," said Ackar. "He's probably guarding that piece to keep us from getting to it. Too bad . . . for him."

"All right, then," said Mata Nui. "I did my math and I figured we can evenly divide eleven by six."

"No, you can't," said Bucket-head, shaking his head. "You'd have use fractions to evenly divide eleven by six."

"Uh, Bucket-head?" said Mata Nui. "Who went to school here and who didn't?"

"You flunked preschool," Bucket-head said. "And I graduated from Harvard with a doctorate."

"Exactly," said Mata Nui. "Now, back to division. I figure we can send two people to each location. Then we'll all get the armor parts and bring them together so I can rule the- er, I mean, so I can defeat Teridax."

Mata Nui pulled a giant chart out of nowhere and hung it on the wall. As the TV was gone (thanks to Berix), everyone could easily see who they were going to be teamed with.

"All right," said Mata Nui, pointing at the top line. "Tahu and Oris, you two will go to the Northern Frost. With Tahu's fire powers and Oris's, um, something, I think you'll do pretty well up there as long as you don't run into any random villains that might be lurking around."

Tahu glanced at Oris, but Oris was looking at Kiina, as though he hadn't heard a word Mata Nui had said. "Oh, great."

"Anyway," Mata Nui continued, pointing at the second line, "the Bota Magna team will be Berix and Bucket-head."

"What?" said Bucket-head, standing up. "Why are you teaming me with the craziest one?"

"Because no one else wants to be around you," said Mata Nui. "By the way, Berix, is that okay with you? Don't care that a dirty Skrall is going to be working with you?"

"Doesn't bother me," said Berix, hopping up and down. "The pixies told me Skrall make good cannon fodder, so I'll be just fine thank you very much."

"That's the spirit, Berix," said Mata Nui, giving him the thumbs up. "The next team is going to Death's Land. This team will consist of Ackar and Kiina."

"Can I trade teammates?" said Oris, holding up his hand. "I want to be on Kiina's team. Ackar can get Tahu or something."

"Sorry, James Bond, but no," said Mata Nui. "I don't trust you with Kiina. You're completely out of it."

"So it looks like we'll be working together, Kiina," said Ackar, glancing at the female Glatorian. "Just don't get any ideas, all right? I mean, I know girls love older guys and stuff, but you've got Mata Nui, you know."

Kiina sighed. "Why does every guy think I'm just going to fall for them?"

"The next place is the Maze," said Mata Nui, pointing at the fourth line on the chart. "This team will be Tera and Likus."

"All right!" said Likus, pumping his fist. "We'll get the armor in no time, right, Tera?"

"Mazes scare me," Tera said, hiding under a blanket. "Armor scares me, too."

"Of course," said Mata Nui. "And finally, there's the Grand Di-Shogun Land. Gresh and Takanuva will go there."

"Awesome!" said Gresh. "This is going to be great! Don't you think so, Takanuva?"

"I dunno, man," said Takanuva with a shrug. "I mean . . . I dunno."

"Wait," said Ackar, looking around at the group. "That's every location except for Atero. Who's going there?"

"I will," said Mata Nui, pointing at himself. "By myself."

"Mata Nui, no!" said Kiina, jumping to her feet. "What will you do if you run into Teridax? You can't beat him on your own!"

"I'll be careful," Mata Nui replied. "With my 40k MGA, everything that gets in my way will die. I'll be fine (also thanks for being sooo supportive of me)."

"I wouldn't mind it if Teridax killed him," Bucket-head murmured. "That way there would be one less moron in the world."

Oris, who sat nearest Bucket-head, suddenly punched the Skrall in the face.

"Ow!" said Bucket-head, putting his hand over the spot where Oris had punched him. "Did you hear what I said about Mata Nui?"

"You said something?" said Oris, blinking. "I just punched you because you're stupid."

Of course, Bucket-head thought bitterly.

"All right, team," said Mata Nui. As a wise detective once said, let's split up, gang. We're going to get that golden armor and nothing -- and I mean nothing -- will stop us."

-TNTOS-

Edited by TNTOS, Dec 21 2012 - 10:05 AM.

[TNTOS]

It's Saturday, which means- oh, you know what that means already, so here's the next chapter:

Chapter 3: Evil Talks

Makuta Teridax sat at the head of the ridiculously long dining table in his dining room (where he dined, if you didn't know). He waited until the rest of the Makuta had gathered at the table. He could barely remain patient, though, because he wanted to start talking like a real evil villain and make himself look dangerous and threatening and all that.

Finally, after the rest of the Makuta were settled, Teridax spread his arms and said, "My fellow Makuta, I have called this meeting today for a very special reason."

Bitil, who was never the darkest shadow, leaned forward on the table and said, "Is it a boy?"

"No," said Teridax, shaking his head. "What gave you that idea?"

"I've . . . uh . . . hmm . . ." said Bitil, scratching his armpits. "Hmm, I don't know."

"You've the biggest moron in this room, Bitil," said Chirox calmly as he played with his chemistry set. "You always talk before you think."

"And you always think before you talk," said Antroz, who was sitting cross-legged in his chair. "Which is the wisest way? My inner spirit tells me that to talk is to think and to think is to talk."

"Shut your existential mouth," Chirox snapped. "You know that only science holds the answers to all of life's mysteries. Your spiritual garbage is just that: garbage. And it needs to be taken out."

"I can take it out," Mutran said, holding out a hand. "And then I, too, will experiment on it and prove that it was zombie alien ghosts from the future that assassinated John F. Kennedy!"

"Your pseudoscience, Mutran, is an affront to real scientists like me," said Chirox, folding his arms. "I am so affronted right now I can barely describe it."

"Who cares?" said Krika, who sat near the other end of the table, away from the others. "Nothing matters. We're all just gonna die someday anyway. Nothing science or pseudoscience can do about it."

Before Chirox could act offended by Krika's words, Teridax smashed the table with a gavel, saying, "Stop your arguing! You are all like little kids, you know that? And where in Greg Farshtey's name are Icarax and Gorast? Are they late again?"

"They're probably on a date," Mutran snickered.

The other Makuta also laughed, much like immature schoolboys picking on their friend who just recently took an active interest in girls for the first time. What this immature behavior hid was the fact that deep down, all of the Makuta in this room were lonely and jealous of Icarax's apparent luck in the romance department. To them, this made Icarax the enemy, the one they picked on to avoid having to deal with their own maddening, overwhelming loneliness.

But enough psycho analysis, for at that moment the wall exploded and Icarax and Gorast flew in through the hole they had created. They seemed to be arguing about something.

"Death! Murder! Kill!" Gorast said to Icarax.

But Icarax shook his head. "No. Murder. Kill. Death."

Gorast punched Icarax in the face. "NO! DEATH! MURDER! KILL!"

Icarax growled and lifted his sword, but Teridax said, "You two, stop arguing about . . . whatever it is you're arguing about. We've got important news to discuss."

Icarax and Gorast stared daggers at each other, and then went their separate ways. Icarax sat down between Chirox and Mutran, while Gorast sat next to Krika, who seemed to be writing something that looked remarkably like emo poetry. It's too horrible to transcribe here, although 'The world is meaningless' seemed to be the first line.

As Icarax sat down, Mutran muttered to him, "Got into a fight with your girlfriend?"

Icarax glared at Mutran. "Murder! Stab! You!"

"Just joking around," said Mutran with a shrug. "Don't have a cow, man."

"Yeah," said Bitil, nodding. "Don't have a, um, a, um, hmmm, what was it again?"

Teridax grabbed a nearby mini-statue of himself and threw it. It landed on the table with a crash, causing the others to look at Teridax in alarm.

"That's better," said Teridax as he reclined in his leather throne. "Now the reason I have called for this meeting today is because of my archenemy, Mata Nui."

"Oh," said Bitil innocently. "Really? Um . . . okay."

Teridax glared at Bitil until the yellow Makuta looked down at the table in shame.

"Now," said Teridax, resuming his speech. "You are all aware of how I recently attempted to kill Mata Nui and two of his friends. Unfortunately, they used a ninja smoke bomb and a plot hole to escape before I could crush their skulls and drink their blood."

"Ew," said Chirox. "That's disgusting."

"The world's disgusting, Chirox," said Krika glumly, slumped in his chair awkwardly. "Just look at me."

"As I was saying," Teridax said, "they got away. However, through that same plot hole, I learned that Mata Nui and his friends are going to attempt to find the golden armor, the only thing that can give Mata Nui the power to defeat me."

All of the Makuta collectively gasped. Well, except for Bitil, who gasped a little later than the others, which was to be expected considering his below-average intelligence.

"The golden armor?" said Chirox. "Impossible. If Mata Nui and his friends gather all six pieces . . ."

Chirox's voice trailed off and he looked up at the ceiling, where Makuta Vamprah hung like, well, a vampire bat. Vamprah had thus far been quiet during this meeting, but then again, Vamprah was always quiet, even when he'd once stubbed his toe. Chirox expected Vamprah to finish his thought for him, but Vamprah just gave him a rude hand gesture and ignored him.

"We already know what will happen if our enemies get the golden armor," said Teridax. "Luckily, I know the exact location of each golden armor piece. Therefore, we will split up into pairs to get those pieces before Mata Nui's stooges do."

Teridax pointed at Antroz and Krika. "You two shall go to the Northern Frost. If you see any of Mata Nui's friends, eliminate them without mercy."

"'The frost bites worse than the sword or plague,'" Antroz replied. "Therefore, Krika, we will need warm, fuzzy coats."

"Who cares if we freeze to death out there?" said Krika with a sigh. "We're just gonna die anyway."

Ignoring Krika's downer attitude, Teridax pointed at Icarax and Gorast and said to them, "You two shall go to Bota Magna. Use your brute force to eliminate anyone who stands in your way."

"Death! Murder! Kill?" Gorast inquired.

"Yes, Gorast," said Teridax, nodding. "Death, murder, kill."

"Death! Murder! Kill!" said Gorast happily.

"Vamprah and Bitil," said Teridax, looking at the two of them. "Your mission is in Death's Land. Do not let anyone stop you from retrieving your golden armor piece."

"Um, okay," said Bitil. "Wait . . . um, I don't know."

"Mutran, I want you to go to the Maze," said Teridax, addressing the mad scientist. "Take your Igor, Vican, with you. Can he fight?"

"Yes," said Mutran, nodding. "He can even moonwalk."

"Excellent," said Teridax, rubbing his hands together. "And Chirox, you will work with one of my servants, Nektann, to secure the piece in Grand Di-Shogun Land. Take no prisoners."

"Nektann?" said Chirox. "He's even dumber than Icar-, er, than . . ."

Chirox struggled to come up with a different example as Icarax looked at him expectantly.

". . . than Bitil," Chirox finished weakly. "Yes, Nektann is dumber than Bitil."

"Yeah, he is," said Bitil, nodding. "Wait . . . um, what am I doing again?"

"That leaves the last piece for me," said Teridax. "It is in Atero. I shall retrieve it by myself."

"But if you do that," said Bitil, his hands flying to his mouth, "what will . . . hmmm, umm, I forgot what I was going to say."

Teridax stood up. "As I have now partnered you all together, it is time that we leave. Mata Nui and his friends already have a head start on their journey. We cannot allow them to beat us to the golden armor, otherwise we'll all probably die. Gotta catch 'em all!"

-TNTOS-

Edited by TNTOS, Jan 22 2013 - 10:44 AM.

[Kaitholas Cage]

Okay, so first review. Hope this turns out okay.
 
Grammar/Punctuation:
 
I'm starting out on your weakest point. Yay. While most of it can be explained by typos, it's still distracting. The mistakes I noticed are here:
 
Chapter 1:
 

Sufficient to say, if you know anything about classical music, you would be offended by these songs.

----
Minor nitpick: "Suffice it to say" is slightly more correct than "sufficient to say".
 

while the other was white and carried twin shot guns that looked remarkably like shot guns.

---
Shotguns is all one word. This is redundant.
 

we don"t need your help,

---
Apostrophe, not quote marks.
 

which are making me hungry the more I think about it.

---
"which is" would be the correct form.
 

shot guns

---
All one word.
 

considering all of the walls theyve

---
Missing apostrophe.
 

I mean, not as in, like,

---
Bolded comma may be required.
 

it didnt seem

---
Missing apostrophe.
 
Chapter 2:
 

"Well, guys, allow me to introduce you guys to Tahu and Takanuva, guys"

---
Department of redundancy department. Not sure if this is on purpose.
 

hes more like a cranky next door neighbor."

---
Hes needs to be he's.
 

polite, havent we, Tera?"

---
Havent is missing an apostrophe.
 

invisible pixies and if you keep talking I won't be able to hear what theyre saying."

---
Theyre is missing an apostrophe.
 

"Anyway, lets get on to the plot, now

---
Lets is missing an apostrophe.
 

Dont care that a dirty Skrall is going to be working with you?"

---
Dont is missing an apostrophe.
 

"Wait," said Ackar, looking around at the group. "That's every location except for Atero. Who's going there?

---
Missing quote mark.
 
All in all, while this is your weakest point as stated before, I don't think this is horrible, but it could be better. Watch the apostrophes and redundancy, and you'll be good.
 
Humor:
 
Your humor is great. The jokes are in the flow and don't seem forced. Takanuva and Bucket-head are great running jokes, and as I said in my application, I really look for those. The randomness is well spaced and not overused like "CoaTS" (my discontinued comedy), and, while random, is actually pertinent to the comedy. Your comedy also thinks outside the box, which is another thing I look for. The jokes about plot holes and poking fun at the way people talk are witty, and will help your comedy stay fresh.
 
 
Plot:
 
Even though this plot is kind of cliché, you manage to pull through with acknowledgements of plot holes and using the zany writing style to mix things up. Knowing your plot isn't the core of the comedy and making jokes about it wins me over quickly. Due to the comparatively simple nature of the plot, I'm cutting this section short.
 
 
Overall:
 
I really liked this. As said before, the jokes about the earthquake leaving because there was nothing to wreck and the smoke hanging from the ceiling by a rope made me laugh, and you truly think outside the box on things. What's more, your acknowledgement and joking about the usage of plot holes makes it very hard to poke holes because you don't act like your story is totally airtight and indisputable. Instead of coming up with a convoluted plan for everything, you just go with the simple. And while the other style works great for epics, the straightforward approach is far funnier, unless you go all Rupe Goldberg. On the negative side, some of your punctuation. I wouldn't say it's confusing, but it's distracting. Also, and this is nitpicky, you overuse certain phrases, such as " ' Blah blah' , said <insert name here>". The other complaint I make is how long some of your sentences are. They aren't run on, but they drag on a bit.
 
You have the Toa Kaithas Seal of Approval, Class TWO.
 
In other words, 8.5/10.

Edited by Toa Kaithas, Dec 21 2012 - 02:42 AM.

[TNTOS]

Thank you for the review, Toa Kaithas . I need to address a few points, however:

Shotguns is all one word. This is redundant.
-
Department of redundancy department. Not sure if this is on purpose.

I didn't know "shotgun" is one word, so thanks for pointing that out. As for the redundancy, that's the point. It's supposed to be redundant so you'll laugh at it. I guess I didn't make that clear enough in the story.

As for the missing apostrophes and quotation marks, that is the result of BZP eating them when I copy and paste the chapters from Microsoft Word. I am forced to manually add the apostrophes and quotation marks back in before I post it, so I'm not surprised that I missed several of them. Thanks for pointing them out, so I'll just go ahead and edit them.

Again, thank you for the review. I appreciate the criticisms and will keep them in mind when I post the next chapter .

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

This is the last chapter before Christmas, so it is obviously a Christmas-themed chapter . . . no, of course it isn't. It's just a normal chapter, so here you go:

Chapter 4: The Plot Finally Begins

At the Northern Frost . . .

Oris stood shivering in the freezing cold, but tried not to look like the subzero temperatures bothered him. I, the Narrator, am not sure what Oris thinks he will accomplish by feigning indifference, for there are no girls around and I am fairly certain Oris doesn't swing for the same team.

Tahu, on the other hand, was quite warm and toasty. He generated enough heat in his body to keep himself warm. He probably also could have created enough warmth for both him and Oris, but due to Oris's pride and Tahu's indifference toward his comrade, that didn't seem very likely to happen.

"So, where is this golden armor piece we're supposed to be after?" said Tahu. "Oris, you have the map Mata Nui gave us, right?"

Oris nodded, but his head was shivering so badly that he nodded several times. "Y-Yeah. H-Here it i-is."

Oris pulled the map out of his bag -- quite a feat, considering Oris's arms were frozen to his sides. He handed the map to Tahu, who unrolled it and looked at it.

Unless Tahu was mistaken, the map appeared to have been drawn with crayon on construction paper. It showed a badly drawn house (labeled 'HOME' in big, childishly-drawn letters) and then a squiggly line representing a path leading to a bunch of poorly-drawn mountains (labeled 'BIG SCARY COLD PLACE').

All in all, the map made no sense to Tahu whatsoever, so he held it up in front of the sun. Perhaps there was a secret message encoded in it, although knowing Mata Nui's lack of subtlety, that didn't seem likely.

It was then that the sun fired a laser beam of energy down at Tahu. Luckily for Tahu, he had coincidentally chosen that exact moment to hold the map up in front of the sun. The laser beam thus struck the map, completely incinerating it.

"Whoa," said Tahu, blinking. "Didn't see that coming."

"O-O-Oh, well," said Oris. "We m-m-might as well g-give up."

"Give up?" said Tahu, looking at Oris in surprise. "I don't know what you're smoking, kid, but real men never give up. We still have to find the golden armor piece."

"H-How will we f-find it?" said Oris, looking at the large mountains all around them. "Th-this place is so huge."

"We can burn it all down," Tahu decided. "Then we'll dig through the rubble and see if we can find anything golden or shiny."

"I n-never liked the environment anyway," Oris said with a shiver. "O-On the other hand, th-though, I don't like digging through ru-rubble, either."

"Then what do you suggest we do, Mr. I'm-Sexy-And-I-Know-It?" Tahu demanded. "I can't think of any other way to find the golden armor piece quickly."

"L-Let's just look around a l-little," said Oris. "And yes, I-I am sexy and I do kn-know it."

So the two companions went walking down a narrow path deeper into the mountains, unaware that they were being watched from above by a giant bat and a giant insect. The bat and insect would have swooped in and killed Tahu and Oris, but Antroz and Krika showed up and killed the animals before they could attack.

Now the two Makuta stood on the cliff overhanging the path upon which Tahu and Oris walked, watching the two heroes carefully.

"Why are we even doing this?" Krika asked. "We're going to die. Why don't we just let them do what they want?"

"A wise man once told me some very important advice when I was younger," said Antroz. "Would you care to hear it, Krika?"

"I don't 'care' for anything," said Krika, looking down at the ground. "Nothing matters."

"Well, I will tell it to you anyway," said Antroz. "Once, when I was angsting like any other emo teen, a wise man came up to me and told me two words: 'Shut up.' I believe they are words you could stand to take into account of your own life, Krika, my friend."

"What does it matter?" said Krika. "Shutting up is even more useless than talking. Nothing matters."

Antroz shrugged. "Well, whatever you think, we must defeat Tahu and Oris. Or beat them to the golden armor. We cannot allow them to succeed or Teridax will punish us dearly."

"Teridax always punishes us," said Krika. "Why do we even bother?"

Antroz sighed in frustration. "Come on. We've wasted enough of the readers' time as is. Let us not waste any more, lest we be accused of the sin of wastefulness."

Krika opened his mouth to say something depressing when Antroz slapped a bit of duct tape over Krika's mouth.

"And you would do well to keep quiet, Krika," said Antroz. "Remember what the wise man told me: 'Shut up.' It is wise advice for someone of your melancholy nature."

With that, Antroz started flying to the next cliff. Krika painfully removed the duct tape from his mouth, but said nothing more as he followed Antroz. He decided that talking was useless, so he wasn't going to say anything. No one ever listened to him anyway, so why even bother talk at all?

-

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

Berix and Bucket-head were trekking through the jungle of Bota Magna and Berix had been annoying Bucket-head for the past hour or so by asking the same question over and over again. What the situation even worse was that Berix was riding on Bucket-head's shoulders -- something Mata Nui had insisted upon before they'd left, although Bucket-head could see no reason for it other than to humiliate him, as Berix was perfectly capable of walking on his own.

"Well, are we there yet?" Berix asked.

"No!" Bucket-head cried. "What part of 'no' don't you understand?"

"Um, I don't quite understand the 'N' part," said Berix seriously. "And 'O,' that's very hard. They should make words simpler."

"'No' is one of the simplest words ever," said Bucket-head. "You're just too thick to realize it."

"Hey!" said Berix. "I am not that fat."

"That's not what I- oh, never mind," Bucket-head sighed. "Will you please get off my shoulders now?"

Berix picked what was probably a poisonous fruit off a tree and ate it as they passed. "Hmm, I don't think so. Maybe when we find the cheesy grits I'll get off."

"You mean the golden armor," said Bucket-head. "Right?"

"Cheesy grits, golden armor, whatever," said Berix. "All the same to me."

Bucket-head noticed a low hanging branch coming up. He realized that it was at just the right height to hit Berix if he ran into it. The Skrall needed to distract Berix, though, in order to make his plan work.

"Berix, what is the can believe that I don't know?" said Bucket-head, gradually picking up speed as he spoke.

"Hmm," said Berix, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "That's an interesting question. I'd have to say that the pasta and the pie are one and the same and Elvis is not dead."

By the time Berix had come up with his thought-provoking answer, Bucket-head was running as fast as he could toward the tree branch. The idea of Berix getting hit in the face encouraged him, but then suddenly Bucket-head tripped and fell down face first into the jungle floor.

As he did so, he let go of Berix, who went flying over of the low-hanging tree branch and landed safely on a bed of vines that happened to be sitting there. The vines tried to encircle Berix, but Berix used his Karate Chop Action TM and beat the vines away.

"That was fun," said Berix, looking down at Bucket-head. "What are you doing on the ground, Bucket-head? Looks like fun!"

Bucket-head muttered several dirty cuss words under his breath and was thereafter banned from BZP by the staff.

He glanced over his shoulder and saw that he had tripped over a protruding tree root. Bucket-head could have sworn that the tree root hadn't been there before, but the Skrall supposed he might not have been paying attention (because he's stupid, you know).

Bucket-head got to his feet and said, "Whatever. Let's just keep going. Except you don't get to ride on my shoulders anymore."

"I understand," said Berix seriously. "Then you can ride on my shoulders!"

Before Bucket-head could react, Berix had rolled underneath him and, with surprising strength for such a small Agori, raised the Skrall from the ground.

"All right!" said Berix. "Time to run at the speed of light!"

Before Berix could carry out his idea, however, a tree came flying out of nowhere and fell toward them. It was a huge tree, even bigger than a mountain, and there was no way they could run out of the way to avoid it.

They didn't need to, though. Berix and Bucket-head jumped into the air and kicked the tree with all of their strength. The might of their combined blows shattered the tree into glass shards, but then the shards attempted to stick themselves into Berix and Bucket-head's bodies.

And they would have, had Berix not created a force shield of energy around him and Bucket-head, incinerating the glass tree shards into nothingness. Berix then clapped his hands and the force field disappeared as he and Bucket-head fell back to the ground.

Berix landed gracefully, but Bucket-head landed head first (pun intended). Bucket-head would have landed on his feet, but at the last moment I, the Narrator, intervened and made it so that Bucket-head would land on his head instead. Because I can. That's why.

"I hate you so much," Bucket-head grumbled.

And I hate you, too, Bucket-head, but you don't see me yapping about it, do you?

"Shut up," Bucket-head said. "Really. Just shut up."

Ignoring Bucket-head, Berix looked around and said, "Hmm, I wonder where that flying tree came from. I thought I killed all of the flying trees during the war. Or did Mata Nui do that? I can't remember."

Just as Berix was about to begin the long, tedious process of trying to remember who had committed genocide and who hadn't, a nearby group of trees exploded. From out of the flames of the trees came two odd-looking beings, one with bat wings and red armor, the other with green armor and insect wings.

"Oh, hello!" said Berix, waving at the newcomers. "What're your names? I'm Berix."

"Murder! Death! Kill!" the green one said.

"So you're Makuta, eh?" said Berix as he drew his double barrel pistols. "I never thought a Makuta could be so . . . beautiful."

Bucket-head -- who, unfortunately, had recovered from his fall by now -- looked at Berix in disbelief. "She looks like a mosquito. An ugly mosquito, at that."

"Death! Murder! Kill!" Icarax said threateningly.

"And why do they both only have three words in their vocabulary?" said Bucket-head. "Seriously, what the heck?"

"By the way, Bucket, Icarax just told you not to insult Gorast," said Berix. "Or he'll rip out your spine, ground it into powder, and force you to eat it."

"He said all of that with just three words?" said Bucket-head.

"I think so," said Berix, scratching his head. "Or he just wants to murder-death-kill you. I dunno. My Murderdeathkillese is a little rusty."

"It's a-" said Bucket-head in disbelief, but then he shook his head. "Never mind. I bet Teridax sent these guys here. They're probably after the same golden armor piece that we are."

"They want our cheesy grits?" said Berix with a gasp. "Those monsters!"

"Murder! Death! Kill!" Gorast said as she aimed her shot gun.

"She said she's going to blow our heads off," Berix said. "And then rip out our spines, ground them into powder, reconstitute them into our spines again, and surgically replace them."

"And she said all of that with just three words?" said Bucket-head.

"Uh huh," said Berix, nodding. "What else could she have been saying?"

Bucket-head sighed. "Whatever. Look, you distract these two while I go look for the golden armor piece."

"That's a great idea," said Berix, clapping his hands enthusiastically. "You have fun."

Bucket-head felt relieved. "That's the good thing about you, Berix. You don't argue much."

"I know," said Berix, nodding. "Now you have fun with these two while I go look for the cheesy grits!"

"Yeah I- Hey, wait a minute!" said Bucket-head. "I said you were going to distract them while I-"

Bucket-head's words were too late, however, for the next moment Berix was gone, hopping through the treetops like a monkey on sugar until he was out of sight.

Bucket-head slowly turned around and saw Icarax and Gorast standing there. Icarax carried an unrealistically large sword and an even bigger gun, while Gorast, having four arms, carried four shot guns a piece. Not to mention she seemed to have dozens of sharp daggers strapped to her legs and arms.

"Oh, boy," said Bucket-head. "This is not going to turn out well."

-TNTOS-

Edited by TNTOS, Jan 22 2013 - 10:45 AM.

[TNTOS]

This is the final chapter of the year, so enjoy:

Chapter 5: Fun with Ackar and Kiina

Getting to Death's Land was not that difficult for Kiina and Ackar. The two had already been there once before several months ago during the ninja plot (a time we'd all like to forget). Instead of walking, however, Kiina and Ackar used a giant catapult to launch themselves from Mata Nui's house to Death's Land, which seems rather impractical until you look at gas prices and see how much cheaper giant catapults are in the long run in comparison to those gas guzzlers. They are also environmentally cleaner.

Anyway, Death's Land, as it turned out, was fairly large. The sky was dark and gray and so was the earth. Blood stains covered the ground and dead, rotting trees dotted the landscape, just as they remembered.

"So do we even know the location of this golden armor piece we're looking for?" said Kiina as she and Ackar walked. "Or are we just gonna wander around for days and get nowhere?"

"I know where we're going," Ackar said as they walked. "Or, um, actually, I don't. But I'm sure we'll find it. The plot demands it."

"Stupid plot," said Kiina, folding her arms. "It's a big bully, making us do all the work while it just sits around and gets praise from everyone for being so clever."

"Back in my day, plots used to work," said Ackar. "Nowadays, though, I agree they've gotten lazier. It's like they just don't care anymore. That reminds me of the good ol' days before those darn hippies-"

Ackar walked into a signpost that had magically appeared out of nowhere. He fell to the ground and cursed, but Kiina ignored him and read the sign:

"Do you have what it takes to impress Death himself and win the golden trophy? If you think you can, come to the Death Dome and try your luck at winning eternal glory, bragging rights, and the golden trophy!"

"The Death Dome?" said Kiina. "Hey, Ackar, do you think that golden trophy might be the golden armor piece we're looking for?"

"I want my prunes," Ackar replied as he sat up. "You might be onto something, however. We should compete in the Death Dome and see what the prize is."

Kiina and Ackar walked around a hill in the direction the sign was pointing. As soon as they were out of sight, a dimensional portal exploded into existence and Vamprah and Bitil fell out of it. Vamprah landed on the ground well, but then Bitil landed on top of him and the two were in confusion for a moment until they untangled themselves and looked around.

"Uh, this is Death's Land, right?" said Bitil, pulling out his 'Tourist's Guide to Famous Places That You've Never Heard Of' from his non-existent pocket. "Um . . . yeah, it is. Okay."

Vamprah, as usual, said nothing. He looked at the sign and pointed at it.

"What's that?" said Bitil, looking around until he spotted the signpost. "Oh, a sign! That's really interesting. I mean, yes, it is."

Vamprah rolled his eyes and pointed at it again, except this time with more vigor.

"I see the sign, Vamprah, but what of it?" said Bitil. "Do you want me to keep looking at it or something?"

Vamprah grabbed Bitil and slammed his face against the sign. This caused the sign to crack. Then Vamprah shoved Bitil to the ground and pointed at the sign again.

"Oh! I get it now!" said Bitil. "You want me to read the sign, right?"

Vamprah nodded exasperatedly.

"Okay, I will," said Bitil as he stood up and peered at the sign. "Let's see . . . it says something about impressing Death himself and winning eternal glory and a golden trophy. Um, I think, okay, um, where am I again?"

Vamprah gestured for Bitil to keep reading.

"Oh, and it also mentions something called the Death Dome," said Bitil. "But I still don't see what that's got to do with the golden armor piece were looking for."

In frustration, Vamprah ripped the sign off its post and smashed it onto Bitil's head.

"Ow!" said Bitil. "Wait a minute! Vamprah, do you think that golden trophy might be the golden armor piece we're looking for?"

Vamprah nodded, obviously relieved that Bitil was catching on.

"Then we have to find it," said Bitil, slamming his fist into his other hand. "Er, I think. Do we?"

Vamprah sighed silently and started flying down the path Kiina and Ackar had taken earlier. Bitil, forgetting his own ability to fly, ran after him, calling, "Wait! Where are you going? You can't leave me behind! Remember the buddy system!"

-

Tera and Likus stood at a fork in the Maze. They could either go left or right, but they could not agree on which direction to go.

"I say we go left," said Likus.

"Left scares me," Tera said. "So we go right. Then again, going right scares me, too."

"If you're afraid of going right, why do you want to go right?" said Likus.

"Because conforming to other peoples' opinions scares me," said Tera.

"All right," said Likus as he pulled out his air guitar. "Seeing as we can't agree, how's about we compromise?"

"Compromise scares me," said Tera.

"And by compromise," Likus continued, ignoring Tera, "I mean we'll just break down this wall and go straight ahead."

"Breaking walls scares me," said Tera. "Y-You do it."

"Then step back," said Likus, "'cause it's about to get rock and rolling up in here and you don't want to be here when it's rocking and rolling!"

Tera timidly retreated a short distance away as Likus strummed his air guitar. The champion air guitarist suddenly unleashed a string of awesome notes that completely obliterated the wall before them, thus opening a new path for them to go through.

"See, Tera?" said Likus as he strapped his air guitar to his back. "Nothing to it."

"Nothing scares me," Tera said as he followed Likus through the gaping hole in the wall that he'd made.

"Everything scares you, Tera," said Likus with a sigh.

Unbeknownst to Tera and Likus, they were being watched from above by Makuta Mutran and his beautiful assistant, Vican.

Mutran and Vican were not using their wings to fly, however. They were inside Mutran's zeppelin, which had a giant telescope sticking out of it to allow Mutran to watch our heroes without their knowing. The zeppelin was flying rather closely to the ground, however, which makes one wonder why Tera and Likus hadn't noticed it yet. Then again, they aren't the brightest light bulbs in the box, so perhaps it's not surprising they were ignorant of the giant zeppelin flying only a few feet above their heads.

"Excellent, Vican, excellent," said Mutran, cackling like a true mad scientist. "Did you see what I just saw?"

Vican shook his head. "No, master. What did you see?"

"The Glatorian Tera and Likus are air guitarists," said Mutran. "I have no doubt they will use their air guitars to defeat us should we choose to attack them now. What I suggest we do now is deliciously simple and dangerously sexy: Take away their air guitars."

"How do we do that, master?" asked Vican. "Isn't that scientifically impossible?"

"Don't you know anything about science, Vican?" said Mutran derisively. "It is perfectly possible to steal air guitars, if one has the right scientific know-how. You merely need to take away the air guitar owner's air and, voila, no air guitar."

"That sounds dangerous, master," said Vican. "What if-"

"Do not bother me with your 'what ifs,' Vican!" said Mutran as he turned his attention back to the telescope. "Can't you see I am doing science right now? A true scientist cannot be bothered while doing important scientific work!"

"Yes, master," said Vican as he bowed. "I will go make your favorite grilled ice cream cake, with extra grease on top."

"Make sure it's super unhealthy," said Mutran. "Fatty, heart-attack inducing foods are the only foods fit for a scientist of my caliber! Mwahahaha!"

-

"Oh, man!" said Gresh as he hopped and skipped through a field of flowers. "This is gonna be awesome! Don't you agree, Takanuva?"

"Um, I dunno, man," said Takanuva. "I mean, I think so, but . . . I dunno, man."

"All we've gotta do is find the golden armor piece and then get out of here," Gresh said as he stopped hopping and skipping. "I was here once in Grand Di-Shogun Land."

"Really, man?" said Takanuva. "When was that?"

Gresh frowned. "You know, I can't seem to remember. Feels like someone took a giant eraser and erased part of my memory away. Think it had something to do with ninjas kidnapping someone and we had to save him or something."

"Sounds stupid, man," said Takanuva. "Then again . . . I dunno, man."

"Well," said Gresh as he looked around, "I figure the golden armor piece has to be around here somewhere. I have no doubt in my heart that we'll find it, and when we do, it will be righteous!"

"Dunno, man," said Takanuva as he picked up a flower and ate it. "I don't see any golden armor pieces around here, man, but then again, I dunno, man."

"Don't give up!" said Gresh, spreading his arms. "Look at everything around you! The world is a beautiful place!"

"You're kind of freaking me out, man," said Takanuva, taking a step back. "Calm down, dude."

"Okay," said Gresh brightly. "Let's keep going. Maybe we'll find someone who can tell us where the golden armor piece is or at least give us a clue to its location."

Gresh jumped in midair to continue skipping, but stopped and said, "Hmm, I seem to remember something else about this place. Something about billions of people dying as a result of an explosion . . . must be my imagination."

Takanuva walked through the flowers after the skipping and hopping Gresh. It was rather difficult to keep up, so Takanuva incinerated a long row of flowers to make it easier to walk through. He made a mental note to replant some flowers here later, but then forgot it exactly three seconds later, effectively making mention of this mental note completely useless.

As Gresh and Takanuva departed, a clove of flowers shook mysteriously. Then two heads popped out of the flowers, one wearing an ugly bat-like mask, the other with an ugly blue face. It was Chirox and Nektann, watching our heroes skip and jump through the fields.

"Looks like Mata Nui's friends are here," said Chirox, scribbling down a note in his notebook. "We will have to crush them if they get in our way. And if they don't, we will still crush them."

"Do we have to crush them?" said Nektann, putting his fist against his mouth. "That sounds violent."

Chirox sighed. "Yes, we do. That's what bad guys do to good guys, generally."

"I don't know," said Nektann as he picked a flower. "I would much rather pick flowers than fight Toa and Glatorian. You can do that if you want, but I will do something quieter and a little more peaceful."

Chirox's eyes glowed and two laser beams shot out of them. The laser beams struck Nektann's flower, blowing it up in Nektann's face.

"There is a reason I didn't want to be partnered with you," Chirox growled as he stood up out of the clove. "It's because you're the world's biggest sissy. Even I recognize that and I'm not a warrior like Icarax or Gorast."

With that, Chirox started after Gresh and Takanuva. Nektann looked sadly down at the smoking remains of the flower in his hand and vowed in his heart to one day avenge that flower's death, but immediately forgot it when Chirox yelled at him to follow, which he did.

-TNTOS-

Edited by TNTOS, Jan 22 2013 - 10:47 AM.

[TNTOS]

First chapter of the New Year, which really isn't as special as it sounds. So here it is:

Chapter 6: Action Movie Ambush

The city of Atero was a city of action. Everywhere Mata Nui went people were doing crazy things like wall jumping off buildings to get to work, wrestling bears on top of construction cranes, doing shootouts in abandoned alleyways, driving cars off buildings and into helicopters that happened to be conveniently flying nearby, and defusing bombs while fending off mad rabies dogs with guns. It was a truly awe-inspiring spectacle.

Mata Nui wanted to join in on the fun, but he restrained himself. He had an important mission here and he couldn't sidetrack himself. What would Kiina say if she saw Mata Nui slacking off after hed just told them all to find the rest of the golden armor?

She'd probably nag me, Mata Nui thought as he strode down a street. And then I'd nag her for nagging me. Or something.

The street Mata Nui walked down looked as though a bomb had just gone off. There was a huge crater in the center; cars were smoldering wrecks of burning metal; lamp posts had been uprooted from the ground and somehow found themselves impaled in brick buildings; and people were scattered here and there, most of them dead, but a few appeared to have survived.

One of these survivors crawled up to Mata Nui and grabbed his leg. The survivor looked remarkably unscathed for having survived an explosion. Only his shirt was ripped and he looked rather dirty, but besides that the survivor looked fine.

"Please . . ." the survivor gasped. "Help me . . . before the terrorists blow up the White House . . ."

"Sorry, Mr. Survivor Guy," said Mata Nui as he kicked the survivor's hand off his leg. "Got some business to attend to. Maybe later, though."

"Okay," the survivor said brightly. "I'll just go dramatically beg someone else to help me, then."

The survivor crawled away as Mata Nui jumped over the crater and landed on the other side. As he did so, he noticed a flash of yellow out of the corner of his eye and, looking to his left, spotted someone in yellow armor scurrying down an alleyway.

An ordinary person would not question or investigate why a yellow-armored person was running down an alleyway (except perhaps to find out why someone would paint their armor such a garish color).

Mata Nui, however, was not an ordinary person. If someone was running away from him, then he had to investigate. And if that person wore yellow armor, just like him, well, then Mata Nui needed to educate that person on the evils of plagiarism. It was the right thing to do (at least according to Mata Nui's morality, anyway).

Mata Nui pulled out his 40kMGA and ran down the alley after the mysterious yellow-armored person. As he did so, an explosion overheard sent a chunk of the roof of a nearby building falling down toward him. Mata Nui jumped forward to avoid being crushed by the falling debris, which remarkably did not explode upon impact with the ground (the debris, that is. Not Mata Nui. Well, it is a little remarkable Mata Nui didnt explode, too).

Glancing over his shoulder, Mata Nui said, "That was close. That was action movie close, actually. Man I love this city."

It was then that Mata Nui heard a hissing noise; a lot of hissing noises, actually. He looked around and realized that he was surrounded by what appeared to be thousands of yellow-armored beings, but they looked nothing like him despite sharing the same armor color.

They looked something like snakes mounted on humanoid bodies. They held two sided shot guns, which would have made them look fierce if they didnt stand shorter than Mata Nui's knee. If anything, these newcomers actually looked kind of cute, but that wasn't on Mata Nui's mind as he processed the situation.

"Rahkshi," said Mata Nui, redoubling his grip on his gun. "Teridaxs sons, right?"

The lead Rahkshi hissed. "Yesss. We are hissss sssonsss."

"Teridax must have gotten busy," said Mata Nui, looking around. "I mean, look at all of you."

"Sssssome of ussss are adopted, you know," said one Rahkshi, sounding like his feelings were hurt. "Actually, mosssst of ussss are."

"I see," said Mata Nui. "Well, don't let anyone tell you that just because you're adopted that means your dad doesn't love you. Thats a lie; a deliberate, harmful lie."

Many of the Rahkshi shed tears at Mata Nui's words, as though they had been waiting their whole lives to hear such encouraging words. That didn't quite quell the desire in their hearts to rip Mata Nui limb from limb, but many of the Rahkshi gained a newfound respect for Mata Nui just the same.

"So let me guess," said Mata Nui as he cocked his gun. "Y'all are gonna kill me, right? Just following your daddy's orders?"

"Yessss, Mata Nui," the lead Rahkshi said. "Daddy told ussss to kill you. We must obey our daddy'sssssss wishessss."

"Teridax must be getting stupid, then," said Mata Nui. "Thinks a bunch of adopted children can kill me? He's losing his game, he is."

The 'adopted children' bit enraged the Rahkshi, causing them to jump toward him with frightening speed.

But Mata Nui was prepared. Spinning around in a circle, Mata Nui fired off bullet after bullet from the 40k MGA. He fired so fast that occasionally two bullets would shot into each other and fuse together to create a mega bullet that was even stronger than its original parts.

The Rahkshi could not withstand this onslaught, causing them to try to run away to avoid his wrath. A few of the brave ones -- or, rather, a few of the stupid ones -- tried to stay and fight, but Mata Nui promptly killed them by clapping his hands, creating a sonic boom that incinerated the Rahkshi from existence.

As for the other ones, 'mercy' was not a word in Mata Nui's vocabulary. He slammed his feet against the ground, sending a shockwave through the pavement that sent the rest of the running Rahkshi rocketing through the air.

Without hesitation, Mata Nui leapt into the air after the Rahkshi. Mata Nui shot up the Rahkshi blindingly fast and then landed back in the alley.

As he did so, the Rahkshi that were in the air suddenly exploded, raining Rahkshi chunks down on the whole city. It was a bit like a snowy Christmas, except not as fun and with more dead people.

Mata Nui spun his gun in his hand and sheathed it in the holster on his back, Link-style.

"Pretty boring," said Mata Nui with a yawn. "If only an unexpected problem were to arise that would force me to make an unconventional escape . . . oh, well. I'll just have to keep looking for the golden armor piece, then."

At that moment, however, billions of Rahkshi appeared out of nowhere. Actually, it was more like trillions of Rahkshi, so many that it was uncountable. They all aimed their guns at Mata Nui, meaning Mata Nui had about 0.5 seconds before they fired at him and turned him into mush.

A brilliant idea occurred to Mata Nui just then. He pulled out something from his pack and said, "Ninja smoke bomb! Hiya!"

Mata Nui hurled the smoke bomb at the ground, creating a ginormous smoke cloud that obscured the vision of the Rahkshi. Many Rahkshi panicked at the sudden lack of sight, for they feared Mata Nui would take advantage of this opportunity to slaughter them all.

But to their surprise (and relief), none of the Rahkshi died and when the cloud disappeared, Mata Nui was nowhere to be seen.

-

Mata Nui walked down the sewers. His ninja smoke bomb from earlier had given him just the opportunity he needed to escape. The Rahkshi would look everywhere in the city for him, Mata Nui knew, but they would never think to look beneath their feet, in part because Rahkshi were not very intelligent or creative.

I could have killed them all, if I'd really wanted to, Mata Nui thought as he walked. But I decided to spare them today. I have urgent plot-related business to attend to and I can't waste time beating up adopted kids.

The sewers were dark, lit only by the weak lights of the lamps mounted on the walls. Mata Nui saw the shadows and outlines of things crawling in the darkness, but Mata Nui didn't afraid of them. He knew he could deal with whatever was waiting for him, no matter what it might be.

It was then that Mata Nui heard the scraping of metal against stone. Squinting in the shadows, Mata Nui saw nothing at first, causing him to curse foully at the darkness. This hurt the darkness's feelings, causing it to run away and replace itself with light somehow, allowing Mata Nui to see where he was.

He stood in a vast dome-like cavern, the ceiling of which seemed to extend upwards forever, for he could not see it. A yawning pit was in the center of the chamber, but that wasn't what got Mata Nui's attention. He noticed a golden mask hung from a rope above the pit, which Mata Nui quickly realized must be the piece of the golden armor he was looking for.

This is my lucky day, Mata Nui thought. Some big moron thought it'd be a smart move to hide this mask in the sewers. Little did he realize how often people use the sewers . . . and not just homeless people or ninja turtles, either.

The only question now was how Mata Nui was going to get the mask. It was too far out to simply reach over and grab, so Mata Nui decided he was going to jump and grab the mask in midair. If necessary, he would defy gravity to prevent himself from falling into the pit.

Just before Mata Nui could jump, however, a voice said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mata Nui."

Mata Nui looked around until he spotted a familiar black-armored being standing on the other side of the pit. It was Teridax, who was leaning against the wall on the far side quite casually.

"Teridax," Mata Nui said, immediately raising his gun. "What are you doing here? How'd you know I'd be here?"

"It was easy," said Teridax. "My Rahkshi were but a distraction, the prod necessary to make you come down here and face me. By putting the golden mask down here, I gave you another reason to want to fight me, rather than run away as you have before."

"It was just a lucky guess, then," said Mata Nui. "Right?"

Teridax stomped his foot against the floor. "No, no, no! I planned it all and you fell for it! I'm right and you're wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!"

"Okay, okay, geez," said Mata Nui, holding his hands up. "Don't have a man, cow . . . wait, I don't think I got that right."

"Anyway," said Teridax, suddenly regaining his composure. "If you want the mask, Mata Nui, you will have to fight me to get it."

"And if I don't?" said Mata Nui. "What if I just take the mask really fast, before you can stop me?"

"You won't escape," said Teridax as he snapped his fingers.

From out of the tunnels came millions of Rahkshi. They blocked every exit, including the one behind Mata Nui. Mata Nui didn't doubt he could kill them all if he had to (or even if he didn't have to), but with Teridax being here, it would be far more difficult.

"My Rahkshi will make sure you do not escape before we clash," said Teridax as he unsheathed something that looked like a sawed-off shot gun. "Let us do battle. The winner gets the golden mask. The loser is banished to the pit below."

Teridax pointed at the gaping hole that was opened below the suspended mask. Mata Nui still couldn't see the bottom, but he had no fears. After all, he was Mata Nui, the gun-toting, butt-kicking hero of this comedy. How could he, the main character, lose?

So Mata Nui said, "All right, then. Bring it on, Teridax. I don't need the golden armor to beat you."

"Then why are you and your friends trying to get it?" said Teridax.

"Because you better shut your mouth or I'm going to shut it for you!" Mata Nui said as he launched himself into the air.

Just before Mata Nui reached the golden mask, Teridax met him in midair. With a powerful kick Teridax sent Mata Nui flying back to the other side of the chamber. Mata Nui smashed into a wall, creating a big dent in the wall and also destroying the few Rahkshi that had been unwise enough to be standing there when he crashed.

Mata Nui shook his head and rolled out of the way as Teridax collided with the wall in an apparent effort to flatten Mata Nui like a pancake. Mata Nui then grabbed Teridax and hurled him across the chamber, but halfway across the pit Teridax magically grew wings and stopped in midair.

"Not fair!" Mata Nui whined. "You get to grow wings and I don't!"

"That's one of the perks of being a villain," said Teridax evilly. "You don't have to be fair."

"Really?" said Mata Nui. "Hmm, maybe I should be the villain sometime."

Without giving Mata Nui the time to ponder the pros and cons of villainy, Teridax flew through the air like a spear. He flew with such ferocity that Mata Nui had no time to react. Teridax punched Mata Nui with both fists, sending our hero through a brick wall. Mata Nui hit the ground hard, but was immediately on his feet as Teridax stepped through the Mata Nui-shaped hole in the wall.

With a roar like a lion, Mata Nui ran at Teridax. He aimed a punch directly for the Makuta's head, but Teridax grabbed the punch with one hand. Holding Mata Nui's fist tightly, Teridax then delivered a shocking blow to Mata Nuis midriff. He punched our hero again and again, each time hitting Mata Nui harder and harder.

But Mata Nui wasn't done yet. He smashed his head into Teridax's, causing the Makuta to release his grip on Mata Nui's fist. Mata Nui then tried kicking Teridax, but Teridax grabbed Mata Nui's leg and twisted it to the point where a sharp crack echoed through the chamber like a gun shot.

"Owie!" Mata Nui cried. "You broke my leg!"

"I am going to do much worse than that by the time this is over, Mata Nui," said Teridax.

"I don't know how you could do anything worse than that," said Mata Nui as tears flowed down his face. "'Cause that really hurt!"

Before Mata Nui could react, Teridax seized our hero and lifted him up. With a roar of hate, Teridax brought Mata Nui's back down onto his knee, causing Mata Nui to cry out in pain. Then Teridax unceremoniously dumped Mata Nui's prone body onto the ground, dusting off his hands as he did so.

"How does it feel, Mata Nui, to have finally met your match?" said Teridax, kicking Mata Nui in the side, which elicited a groan from our hero. "Looks like I win this time."

Teridax snapped his fingers again and two Rahkshi came over to him.

"Take Mata Nui to the Pit," said Teridax, gesturing carelessly at Mata Nui. "And get me some Starbucks coffee and get it fast. I have a game to be at and I don't want to be late."

The Rahkshi bent down and carried Mata Nui between them. They then unceremoniously tossed him into the Pit, but don't worry, folks, Mata Nui's going to be okay. He just got his back broken, that's all. Oh, and his leg is also broken, but again he's going to be fine (probably).

Now Teridax looked at the golden mask suspended above the pit and stroked his chin. "Hmmm . . . it seemed like such a good idea to suspend the mask over the pit like that. If only I remembered how I put it there, then maybe I could get it back."

Teridax shrugged. "Oh, well. I'll figure out a way to get it. For now, I will simply laugh evilly due to my victory over Mata Nui! Mwahahahaha!"


-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

No witty introductions here, no sir. Just the next chapter:

Chapter 7: Ice, Ice, Baby!

Tahu and Oris spent the better part of the day looking for the golden armor piece. They tried melting snow, climbing huge mountains, going skiing at the Northern Frost Ski Resort, but they found nothing. They could not find a hint of gold anywhere, not even when they interrogated a leprechaun at the ski resort (the leprechaun claimed to be an unusually short Jungle Agori, but Tahu and Oris were not deceived).

"This whole trip just seems pointless," said Oris as he and Tahu went up the ski lift. "I mean, all of this cold weather is messing with my looks. Think of what the girls will think when they look at my messed up facial!"

"Stop being such a wimp," said Tahu. "Mata Nui gave us a job and we're going to do it. Just because we haven't found the golden armor piece yet doesn't mean we never will. Mata Nui has never asked me to do something unreasonable."

"Never?"

"Well, there was that one time he wanted me to talk without letting any air into my mouth," Tahu conceded. "But he was pretty out of it at the time, so-"

"I think we should just go home," said Oris. "After, of course, we've finished skiing. I mean, who cares if Teridax kills Mata Nui, anyway? Only reason I ever hang out with Mata Nui is to get to Kiina."

"Yeah, I kind of figured that," said Tahu, nodding. "And the only reason Mata Nui paired us together was so I could break your neck if you tried running. Understood?"

Oris gulped. "Yes, sir."

While Tahu and Oris continued their banter, Antroz and Krika, also dressed up in ski gear, sat behind them on the ski lift. It's unclear to me how they managed to fit skis onto Krika, considering he doesn't have real feet, but perhaps that is a question for another time.

"How much longer do we have to keep following them?" Krika said. "Following them is pointless. Skiing is pointless, too."

"Worry not, my whining friend," said Antroz. "We will strike when they least expect it. Just keep an eye out for the golden armor piece. That is really what we are here for anyway. Killing these two is optional."

"Then why are we going to do it at all?" said Krika. "Killing is hard and takes a long time."

"A wise man once said that nothing worth having ever comes easy, Krika," said Antroz wisely.

"That, and you have an insatiable bloodlust," Krika muttered.

"Oh, that may play a part, but I assure you it is for my spiritual wellbeing that I wish to kill these two morons," Antroz assured him. "I wish to release their souls to the next life. Is that such a bad thing?"

"No, but it is a pointless thing," said Krika. "It's so pointless-"

Without warning, Antroz shoved Krika off the ski lift. Krika screamed as he fell and crashed into the snow below. He appeared to have survived, but he wasn't whining anymore. More like whimpering in pain.

"Oops," said Antroz. "I didn't realize just how far above the ground we were. My bad."

A few minutes later, Ackar and Oris reached the top of the mountain. So did Antroz, who found Krika, who had somehow managed to climb up the mountain despite his broken legs.

"Why did you shove me off the ski lift?" Krika demanded. "You could have killed me!"

"It was to teach you a lesson," Antroz replied. "I was teaching you the lesson of what happens when you whine to someone while you're on the ski lift. You might 'accidentally' fall off, if you catch my drift."

"Whatever," Krika said glumly. "None of this matters. We're all gonna die someday anyway."

Meanwhile, Tahu and Oris were trying to decide which slope to go down when they overheard a conversation between two nearby skiers that went something like this:

"Whoa, Ryan, that slope was awesome!"

"Yeah, Damian, that was totally wicked."

"Let's go on the biggest one next!"

"No way, man. Didn't you hear? There's like, a giant bear on the slope attacking people."

"Whoa, what's it doing that for, Damian?"

"Dunno, Ryan. Heard it's protecting some gold in its cave or something."

"Whoa, man, we should like totally check it out!"

"Why, dude? Won't the bear like, kill us?"

"Dude, I have come to the realization that our lives mean nothing in the grand scheme of the cosmos. So I, like, want to risk my insignificant life because it won't matter if I die or not."

". . . what?"

"Never mind, dude. Hey, there're some chicks over there! Let's go show them what real skiers look like!"

"Cool! What do real skiers look like?"

"I dunno! Maybe they know!"

As the two skiers skied away, Tahu turned to Oris.

"Hey, do you think our lives matter in the grand scheme of the cosmos?" Tahu asked.

"Dont know," said Oris with a shrug. "But didn't you hear what they said about a bear protecting its gold?"

"Oh, yeah," said Tahu, nodding. "It must be the golden armor piece. We should go after it."

"But we'll have to fight a bear to get to it," said Oris, folding his arms. "And bears are big and mean and ugly and smell like dirt and-"

"And you just shut the Karzahni up," Tahu said. "Or I'll weld your mouth shut."

"Whatever," said Oris. "I just don't want to get unnecessarily dirty, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, and I don't care," said Tahu. "Let's go to the biggest slope and see if we can find that bear. If it doesn't have the golden armor piece, then we can at least have bear meat for dinner tonight."

"Bear meat? Ew," said Oris. "Why can't we eat at a fancy restaurant with nice food and hot waitresses?"

"Because you need to man up, Oris," Tahu replied. "Now, onward, to the bear!"

Tahu and Oris began awkwardly walking up the slope in their ski boots, but this quickly proved impractical. So Tahu burned their ski boots off and they started running toward the largest slope. Antroz and Krika followed closely behind, having also discarded their ski equipment in favor of flight.

-

Bucket-head crashed through the underbrush, screaming and screeching like the stupid Skrall he was. He kept glancing over his shoulder and randomly firing off bullets from his gun, but nothing seemed to work against Icarax and Gorast, who shrugged off the hail of bullets he fired at them as though it were a light drizzle.

When I find Berix, I am going to snap his neck with my bare hands, Bucket-head thought.

The Skrall still didn't know where Berix had gone. Wherever he was, Bucket-head prayed to every single god out there that Berix would meet a very horrible death, but he doubted any of them heard him, for he was quite sure the gods didn't like him.

Icarax and Gorast were ripping up trees, burning bushes, and in general causing unnecessary environmental damage in their quest to kill Bucket-head. Bucket-head knew he needed to lose them somehow, but he figured the only way he could lose those two was if something bigger than him came along for them to kill.

Just as Bucket-head was beginning to doubt he'd ever get that lucky, an earth-shattering roar ripped through the air, so powerful that it actually sent Bucket-head flying. He landed head first (pun intended) onto the ground and rolled over, dazed, as he looked around for the source of the roar.

A moment later, a gigantic foot stomped through the jungle in front of Bucket-head. He looked up the leg and saw that it was connected to a huge T-rex. The dinosaur looked big enough to lift a whole mountain if it wanted, perhaps even two. It was currently munching on what had probably at one point been a forest, which meant it was probably on a diet because T-rexes don't eat plants.

At the same moment, Icarax and Gorast stopped and stared up at the giant dinosaur. They seemed awed by its massive size, but Bucket-head figured they were most likely surprised that such a giant animal had willingly walked into their path for them to kill.

Time to get out of here, Bucket-head thought as he carefully began crawling through the bushes. This works out for me either way. If the dinosaur wins, Icarax and Gorast will be gone. If Icarax and Gorast win, they'll have wasted so much time fighting the T-rex that they'll have no idea where I went. It's brilliant.

It was at that moment that the T-rex's tail suddenly slammed into Bucket-head, sending the Skrall flying above the jungle. He broke through several clouds as he soared through the air, until he crashed into the trees below quite loudly.

Unfortunately for Bucket-head, he landed in a rather tall tree and so, on his way down, broke through hundreds of sharp, pointy branches. When he finally reached the ground, Bucket-head was so badly cut up that he could barely move (he deserved it. Stupid Skrall).

"Why do bad things always happen to me?" Bucket-head groaned as he rolled onto his back. "Why?"

Without warning, Berix's face appeared above Bucket-head's. "Hi, Bucket! Whats up?"

"Gah!" Bucket-head said, immediately sitting up and moving away from Berix. "Don't do that!"

"Don't do what?" said Berix, who was hanging upside from a tree like a monkey. "You mean speak forwards? Okay, ll'I keaps sdrawkcab, neht."

"No, I mean don't surprise me like that," said Bucket-head. "And why are you hanging upside down from a tree like that?"

"Because I'm a monkey," said Berix brightly. "Or, at least, I want to be a monkey. A monkey wizard told me that to become a monkey I must hang upside down from a tree for three hours."

"That 'monkey wizard' must have a sense of humor, then," said Bucket-head, folding his arms. "By the way, did you forget about the golden armor piece?"

"You mean the cheesy grits?" said Berix as he pulled something out of his pack, which was hanging on a nearby branch. "Yeah, I found it. Here you go."

Berix tossed Bucket-head something golden, which the Skrall caught. It looked like the chest armor piece and, as far as Bucket-head could tell, was one hundred percent genuine.

"Where'd you find this?" said Bucket-head in amazement. "It must have been hard to find."

"Not really," said Berix as he swung back and forth on his tree branch. "Saw a bunch of monkeys playing with it. They gave it to me after I proved that I was sent by the monkey wizard, who is highly respected among the monkeys."

"I'm not even going to ask how you 'proved' that," said Bucket-head as he stowed the golden armor piece in his bag. "Since we've got it, we should find Mata Nui. Don't really want to, but seeing as he threatened to tear my spleen out and replace it with a burning log if we didn't get the golden armor piece to him, I think we-"

A sudden rumble in the ground threw Bucket-head off his feet, while Berix swung off his tree branch and landed on the ground expertly.

"What was that?" said Bucket-head, looking around. "An earthquake? Here? In the middle of a jungle?"

"No," said Berix seriously, shaking his head. "Worse than that. A god has fallen."

Bucket-head blinked at Berix. "Seriously?"

"Nope," Berix said. "Actually I think a giant dinosaur fell down somewhere nearby. Poor dinosaur. I bet his meat would have tasted so good, too."

Without warning, the trees above exploded into flaming debris as Icarax and Gorast landed on the ground. They looked slightly beat up from their fight with the dinosaur, but otherwise looked fine and ready to kill Bucket-head and Berix.

"Murder! Death! Kill!" Gorast said, pointing at Bucket-head.

"She said they used your horrible stench to locate you," Berix said to Bucket-head. "Now that she mentions it, you do smell kind of funny."

"Shut up," Bucket-head grumbled.

"Death! Murder! Kill!" Icarax said as he raised his sword to the heavens.

"Oh, and they know we have the golden armor piece," said Berix. "I wonder how they knew that, though . . ."

"Murder! Death! Kill!" said Gorast with an evil laugh.

Berix gasped. "You mean the monkeys sold me out? I thought I could trust them! They betrayed me!"

"Worry about monkey betrayal later," said Bucket-head as he got back to his feet. "I think we're going to have to fight for our lives now, if I'm not mistaken."

Berix drew his double barrel pistols out of his holsters and spun them, Robocop-style, in his hands. "When we're done here I'm . . . I'm going to give those monkeys a spanking they ain't never gonna forget!"

Bucket-head made a mental note never to enrage Berix unless he wanted to earn a 'spanking' from him, which the Skrall figured was probably a euphemism for some really violent, really painful kind of death.

"Murder! Death! Kill!" Gorast roared as she and Icarax flew toward Bucket-head and Berix, their weapons charged with power.

Bucket-head raised his gun, ready to fight for his life and hoping that the universe didn't want him dead.

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

You know what they say: A chapter a week keeps the reviwers away (apparently). So here's the next chapter:

Chapter 8: My Name is Not Bones

It didn't take long for Kiina and Ackar to find the Death Dome. It was, as the name subtly suggests, a dome of an immense size. It was painted black, but some of the paint was clearly peeling, revealing what looked an awful lot like hot pink underneath. It looked a bit like a giant football stadium, minus the crazy sports fans and massive parking lots.

"So this is the Death Dome," said Kiina as she and Ackar approached it. "Why was I expecting it to look like a box?"

"Back in my day, we didn't have Death Domes," said Ackar. "When we wanted to play sports, we just got a bunch of friends together and played in the beautiful fields Mother Nature gave us. Or the street, depending on whose house we were playing at."

"And your point is . . .?" said Kiina.

"I don't know," said Ackar with a shrug. "That's the problem with getter older. We just get more and more forgetful to the point where we barely remember anything except the glory days. I miss the glory days."

"You can't go back in time and relive the glory days, Ackar," said Kiina. "hen again, knowing how crazy this comedy is, I wouldn't be surprised if time travel was possible."

Kiina and Ackar reached the entrance to the Death Dome, where a skeleton gatekeeper stood. He wore a sophisticated-looking black suit and stood with the air of someone who thought he was better than you.

"Welcome to the Death Dome," said the skeleton. "Are you here to enter the Deathalon?"

"Let me guess," said Kiina. "Your name is Bones, right?"

"How offensive!" said the skeleton, adjusting his monocle indignantly. "My name is Bartholomew Oswald Nathanial Eric Sanderson! Your assumption that my name is 'Bones' is based on inaccurate stereotypes about Skeleton-Americans and Skeleton-American culture. How narrow-minded!"

"Oh, um, sorry," said Kiina. "I didn't know that."

"Well, you do now," said Bartholomew Oswald Nathanial Eric Sanderson. "Now, I ask again, are you here to enter the Deathalon?"

"Of course," said Ackar. "We're here to get golden armor pieces and kick butt and we're all out of golden armor pieces."

"All right, then," said Bartholomew as he held up a clipboard. "What are your names?"

"I'm Kiina," Kiina said.

Bartholomew looked at her expectantly. "Karen Irene Irena Natalie Anne?"

"What?" said Kiina. "No, it's just Kiina. Not an acronym or anything."

"I see," said Bartholomew as he wrote 'Karen' down on the list. "And you, my fine gentleman?"

"Name's Ackar," said Ackar. "And no, it doesn't stand for Andy Carson Karloff Antonio Richardson. It's just Ackar."

"All right," said Bartholomew, writing 'Andy' down. "The Deathalon is straight ahead. Once you are there the ref will tell you what you need to know."

Ackar and Kiina entered the Death Dome without looking at Bartholomew. A few seconds later, Vamprah and Bitil appeared. They looked tired and worn out, as though they had just run a mile.

"How . . . was I supposed to . . . supposed to know that turning left leads to the Graveyard of A Thousand Disgruntled Ghosts?" said Bitil, glancing at Vamprah, who looked angry. "You should have said something."

Vamprah smacked Bitil in the face.

"Oh, right, you can't talk," said Bitil. "Oh, um, uh, where are we again?"

Vamprah pointed at the Death Dome.

"Huh, that's a big building over there," said Bitil, scratching his chin. "Don't see why you're pointing at it, though."

Vamprah wrote 'DEATH DOME' in the ground and pointed at it.

It took Bitil three minutes to get it. Then he said, "Oh, you can write in the dirt!"

Vamprah just smacked Bitil in the face again and then began flying down toward the Death Dome. Bitil quickly followed, unsure what he'd done to earn a punch from Vamprah. He decided that Vamprah was simply having a bad day.

Bitil and Vamprah intended to fly into the Dome, which was open at the top, but when they reached it they found a skeleton in a crisp black suit just floating in midair. The sight was so bizarre that the two Makuta stopped, not sure how to react.

"Hello," said the skeleton, bowing slightly. "My name is Bartholomew. Do you intend on entering the Deathalon?"

"Um . . ." said Bitil, scratching his head. "I don't think so . . ."

Vamprah kicked Bitil's legs, causing Bitil to say, "But thank you anyway!"

Then Vamprah sighed heavily and, pulling out a notepad, wrote something on it. He then handed the note to Bartholomew, who took it with a quizzical expression on his skeletal face.

"So you do wish to enter," said Bartholomew, looking back up at them. "And your names are Vincent Abdul Michael Paul Romeo Andre Hawthorn and Barnabas Ira Titus Iroh Lindermen, correct?"

Vamprah just looked at Bartholomew like 'What the Karzahni is wrong with you?' while Bitil nodded, saying, "Um, I think so."

"Then please fly straight ahead," said Bartholomew, stepping to the side and gesturing at the Death Dome. "Please try landing in the upper seats and making your way down by the stairs. The owner doesn't like it when people fly directly into the Dome without his permission."

"Okay," said Bitil. "Let's go, Vincent. We've got to get to the Deathalon before they start without us!"

Bitil flew on ahead, followed shortly by Vamprah. Vamprah glared at Bartholomew as he passed the skeleton, but the skeleton gatekeeper said nothing as the two Makuta flew into the Dome.

"Hmm," said Bartholomew, looking down at his list. "Those people have some odd names. Their parents must have been rather creative people, perhaps artists, or maybe actors."

-

"H-Hey, Likus?" said Tera as the two air guitarists turned down a corner in the Maze.

"Yes, Tera?" said Likus. "Has something scared you again?"

Tera nodded shakily.

Likus sighed. "And what is this time? The air? Dust? The guy on the oatmeal box?"

Tera shook his head. "All of those are scary, but this thing that scares me now is different."

"So what is it?" said Likus. "Get to the point already."

"Getting to the point scares me," said Tera. "What I'm afraid of is that zeppelin that's been following us for a few hours now."

"Led Zeppelin?" said Likus. "You mean Led Zeppelin has been stalking us?"

"Led Zeppelin scares me," said Tera. "But not that Zeppelin. I'm talking zeppelin with a lowercase 'z.' You know, the airship kind, which scare me?"

"Really? Where is it?" asked Likus, looking around. "I've always wanted to play the air guitar on a zeppelin."

"It's above us," said Tera, pointing at the sky. "The sky scares me, by the way."

Likus turned his face skywards and saw that Tera was right. Hovering not too far above them was a large zeppelin. It was painted light green and black, with the words 'THE DISCOVERY' written on the balloon part in bold letters.

"Ew," said Likus. "It looks hideous. I don't want to play the air guitar on that."

"Hideousness scares me," said Tera. "What are we gonna do about it?"

Likus stroked his chin, deep in thought. "Let's see if we can find a way onto it. It might be easier to search for the golden armor piece if we can see the Maze from the sky, know what I mean?"

"I know what you mean," Tera replied. "And it scares me."

It was at that moment that a large cannon descended from the bottom of the zeppelin and aimed at Tera and Likus. It began making weird sucking sounds, like a vacuum cleaner, but besides that didn't seem to do anything.

"Say, Tera," said Likus, speaking loudly over the sound of the vacuum. "What do you suppose that cannon is doing?"

"Cannons scare me," Tera said. "I don't- AHH! Where'd my air g-guitar go?"

The easily-frightened Glatorian had been reaching for his air guitar, but could not feel it. Likus reached for his own air guitar, but to his shock it, too, was gone.

"Someone stole our air guitars," said Likus, looking up at the cannon. "And I think I know who."

"Justin Bieber?" said Tera. "He scares me, you know."

"No," said Likus, shaking his head. "That cannon up there. It's sucking up all our air. Without air, we can't use our air guitars!"

"Lack of air scares me," said Tera, his hands at his mouth. "Wh-What do we do?"

Likus drew his nail-driven baseball bat out and said, "Take it down, Gangnam-style."

Without further ado, Likus leapt into the air. He seized a cloud, rolled it into a ball, and hit it directly into the cannon's barrel. This clogged the cannon, although it was still sucking. As the barrel was clogged, the cannon tried to suck itself, which didn't work, causing the cannon to implode violently.

The implosion of the cannon ripped through the bottom of the craft, setting the whole thing ablaze as it fell from the sky. It veered all the way to the other side of the Maze, away from Tera and Likus, and exploded upon crashing, sending a wave of flame and debris upon the Maze that would have killed everything in it had Tera and Likus not used their mad air guitar skillz to destroy it.

"Well," said Likus. "That was interesting. Whadda ya say we keep going?"

"Okay," said Tera. "Can I say one more thing, though?"

"What's that?" said Likus as the two friends continued walking.

"Saying one more thing scares me."

Meanwhile, at the crash site, Mutran dug himself out of the flaming wreckage of the zeppelin. He heard someone groaning and, glancing to the right, noticed Vican pinned underneath a large chunk of metal, which was clearly too much for his tiny assistant to lift off by himself.

"I cannot believe it," said Mutran. "Not only did we fail to kill those Glatorian, but they destroyed our airship! The only logical answer is that they must have known who we are and so took the initiative, striking us down before we could strike them!"

"Um, master?" said Vican. "Can you please help me out here? This chunk of metal is crushing my chest and making it hard to breath."

"We will need to track them down the old-fashioned way, it seems," said Mutran, stroking his chin. "But what am I saying? Teridax didn't tell us to kill the Glatorian. He told us to find the golden armor piece and only kill Mata Nui's friends if they got in the way. So all we really need to do, Vican, is track down that golden armor piece before they do and we'll be all set. Right, Vican? Vican?"

Mutran looked at Vican, who was now unconscious due to the sheer weight of the metal crushing him.

Mutran sighed. "This is why I don't like working with Matoran. They like to play games like this when there are more important issues to worry about. Such shortsightedness, perhaps, is the reason they're so short."

The Makuta pulled Vican out from underneath the wreckage and slung him over his shoulder. Mutran then flew toward the center of the Maze, which he cleverly deduced had to be the place where the golden armor piece was.

-TNTOS-

[ZHX]

iBrow is unable to do this, so I'll be handling this, nyeh?

 

Spelling and Grammar:

One was of a bright crimson coloration, carrying a rifle that looked remarkably like flame, while the other was white and carried twin shotguns that looked remarkably like shotguns.

Crimson is already bright red. Redundant. Possibly 'a flame'.

 

didnt appear at all damaged

Didn't.

 

He waited until the rest of the Makuta had gathered at the table. He could barely wait to start talking, though, because he really wanted to start talking like a real evil villain and make himself look dangerous and threatening and all that.

These lines feel a bit redundant, especially because of the use of 'waiting' and 'talking' twice.

 

Oris pulled the map out of his bag -- quite a feat, considering Oris's arms were frozen to his sides.

Only need one dash, and the extra 's' is unnecessary.

 

Thats why.

Apostrophe needed.

 

Ackar walked into a signpost that had magically appeared out of nowhere just then. He fell to the ground and cursed, but Kiina ignored him and read the sign, which read thus:

'Just then' is unnecessary. 'Read thus' seems redundant due to the previous part of the sentence.

 

"I have no doubt they will use their air guitars to defeat us should we choose to attack them now. What I suggest we do now is deliciously simply and dangerously sexy: Take away their air guitars."

Simple.

 

Errors are minimal, although you need to check through your work a bit more in order to fix the small spelling and grammar mistakes. However, your writing is somewhat stilted and awkward, especially in the more redundant areas with repeats of words and the like. It should be simple for you to replace the phrases with more flowing ones, but how you do so is up to you.

 

There isn't really anything else for me to say, especially when I've already told you what you need to improve on here.

 

Rating is a simple, round 80%.

 

Humour:

Here we go, humour - the hardest part to review because what may be considered funny to some may not be amusing to others, although that really applies to everything because humanity is not a hive-mind and everyone possesses different opinions to each other, but I digress. We're not here to talk about how people have differing opinions on humour, but to review the humour present in your comedy.

 

First of all, I would like to bluntly say that I didn't laugh. Then again, I've spent too much time reading fanfiction which seems to evoke feelings of amusement more easily, so you don't need to believe everything I say.

 

The rather eloquent narrator and his (assuming it's a he, because it could be possible that your narrator is female) rambling is rather interesting, providing a sarcastic and insulting voice as a backdrop for your story. She/He/It and its lampshading of clichéd narrative story-telling elements, which some of the characters sorta do at times, which, to paraphrase my colleague, Kaithas: "helps your comedy feel fresh."

 

Haven't seen many comedies on this forum that do so, but then again, I've only been here for three or so years, and for two of those years I was just a stupid elementary school student.

 

Anyway, onto other things.

 

Most of the enjoyment I derive from this story comes from Berix; I think he's a pretty cool guy, talks to pixies and doesn't afraid of anything there is a certain charm to his wacky personality, which is considered perfectly normal by everyone else, except for Bucket-head (Poor guy needs to catch a break - but I doubt it - after all, abuse in comedy is amusing).

 

You keep a references to a minimum. That's good.

 

I suppose I'll rate it 78%.

 

Plot:

Your plot consists of the Big Bad issuing a challenge to the Hero, who accepts, but even with the help of his True Companions, cannot defeat him, requiring him and his companions to go on a Quest in order to obtain the Legendary MacGuffins which will allow him to defeat the Big Bad, but said Big Bad knows of this Quest, and sends his Council of Evil to stop the True Companions from obtaining the MacGuffins.

 

Standard cookie-cutter plot really. A bit more original than the last two though, in which Mata Nui went on a Quest to save his True Companions from the Big Bads who kidnapped them for ransom. There isn't really much to comment on, but it's internally consistent, except for the retconning of the ninja plot from ages past from the universe, but it's solid.

 

Bland, yes, but it's a solid plot.

 

You focus more on humour anyway.

 

Rating is 76%.

 

Overall:

Spelling and grammar are good, but you need to double-check your work to catch the smaller mistakes. Writing style can be a bit awkward and stilted - a few redundant bits can be thrown out and some phrases and be replaced with smoother flowing ones. Humour is decent - I like the lemony narrator and she/he/its lampshades. Plot is simple, but consistent.

 

Solid comedy.

 

The averages of all previous ratings provides it overall rating, which is 78%.

[TNTOS]

Thank you for the review, Nurtrients . I fixed most of the errors you pointed out, although I'd like to address a few points:

Only need one dash, and the extra 's' is unnecessary.

I read that it's considered good usage on the Internet to use two dashes instead of one. Personally I like how it looks better than one dash, so we're gonna have to agree to disagree here.

Your advice about the possessive "s" is also debatable. In the past I used to omit the possessive "s," but nowadays I include it, mostly for stylistic consistancy. It really doesn't look or sound that awkward, anyway, but again, agree to disagree.

However, your writing is somewhat stilted and awkward, especially in the more redundant areas with repeats of words and the like. It should be simple for you to replace the phrases with more flowing ones, but how you do so is up to you.

Some of the awkwardness is deliberate on my part in order to invoke a kind of awkward humor, but I do agree that I should try to smooth out the parts that aren't supposed to be awkward.

There isn't really much to comment on, but it's internally consistent, except for the retconning of the ninja plot from ages past from the universe, but it's solid.

I wouldn't say retconned so much as ignored. It still happened. They just like to pretend it didn't, except for Gresh, who blocked his memories of it during his speech therapy sessions, although he remembers the basic gist of it, despite not remembering many of the details.

Again, thank you for the review. I always appreciate detailed reviews and I will try to keep your advice in mind when posting future chapters .

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Just a note to my readers: Because my computer is unreliable, don't be surprised if I fail to post another chapter next week. This is just a warning so that we're all on the same page.

And now here is this week's chapter:

Chapter 9: This Feels Like Déjà Vu

For what seemed like days, Gresh and Takanuva walked through Grand Di-Shogun Land and yet found no sign of the golden armor piece that they were looking for. Despite that, Greshs enthusiasm didnt fade even slightly; in fact, it seemed to be getting stronger and stronger, which scared him more than a little.

"Say, Gresh, dude," said Takanuva as they walked beside some train tracks. "How come we haven't run into any people yet? I thought, like, people lived here, man."

"I don't know, Takanuva," said Gresh, skipping merrily along like a leprechaun. "Maybe they're on vacation. Sure is a nice time of year to be out and about, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess so, dude," said Takanuva. "It's still weird. And then those two flower bushes have been stalking us the entire time, man."

"What two flower bushes?" said Gresh.

Takanuva gestured over his shoulder with his thumb. "I dunno, man, but I've noticed those flowers have been following us for a few miles now. Heard one of them call the other a 'sissy,' but man it might be the drugs I'm doing."

(Note: Takanuva is referring to the legal drugs prescribed to him by his doctor for medical purposes only. Not illegal substances that would get him several years behind bars if the feds found out that he had them.)

Gresh looked in the direction that Takanuva pointed out and noticed that the Toa was right. There were two flower bushes sitting not too far behind them, which was odd because there were no flowers for miles in any direction. They looked slightly wilted, but otherwise appeared pretty normal.

"That's odd," said Gresh. "But I don't see any reason to be alarmed. Flowers are a symbol of peace and love and hope and happiness. Surely these are our guardian flowers, following us to protect us from all evil!"

"I dunno, man," said Takanuva. "Then again . . . I dunno, man."

"I'm going to go over and give them a big hug!" said Gresh, skipping over to the bushes.

Without warning, the flower bushes exploded, causing Gresh to raise his shield to avoid being incinerated by the blast. When the explosion faded, it revealed a tall, bat-like creature standing there, with a short blue monster-thing with a grin etched on its face.

"You will not hug us," said the bat-like creature, whose voice was refined and intimidating. "And we are not your 'flower guardians.'"

"But we're not your enemies," the blue creature said. "In fact, we're not going to hurt you at all. We're just looking for the golden armor piece. That's all."

"Whoa!" said Gresh. "I did not see that coming! Our flower guardians are really, um, a giant bat thing and a blue thing."

"The name is Makuta Chirox," said the bat-like creature. "And my ally's name here is Nektann."

"Whoa!" said Gresh again. "Wait a minute. Makuta Chirox? Do you work for Teridax?"

"Of course I do," said Chirox. "I wouldn't be here if Teridax had not ordered me here. And, of course, you are Mata Nui's annoying friends."

"Yep," said Gresh, nodding. "I'm one of Mata Nui's best friends. And Takanuva is, too. In fact, why don't we all be friends? We don't need to fight each other."

"That sounds nice," said Nektann. "I'm not a big fan of violence, you know, so-"

"Shut up," Chirox growled. "We are not here to make friends. We are here to get the golden armor piece before you do and, if necessary, kill you two in cold blood."

"That's not very nice," said Gresh, wagging a finger at Chirox. "It's clear to me you're locked into negative thinking habits. Why don't you let me help you out with that?"

"I do not need your help," said Chirox. "And if you try to 'help' me, I will 'help' you by ripping your head from your shoulders and replacing it with a soccer ball. Understand me?"

"I understand that you're a Negative Nancy," said Gresh with a knowing smile.

"That's what I've been saying!" said Nektann with a sigh. "He's just so obsessed with being negative. I mean, negative thinking is a pretty harmful thing-"

"ENOUGH!" Chirox roared, so loudly that even the nearby birds stopped chirping. "We will not civilly talk to you as though friends or neighbors. We will not listen to your arguments or ideas. We will stomp your faces into dirt if you stand in our way. And we will probably do it even if you don't stand in our way, so for the love of Albert Einstein, please shut up."

"Uh oh!" said Gresh. "Takanuva, it looks like Negative Nancy's struck again, doesn't it?"

"I dunno, man," said Takanuva, scratching his head. "I mean . . . I dunno, man."

Chirox looked like he was literally about to explode when they felt a certain rumbling in the ground. Looking around, Gresh noticed a train coming up the tracks toward them, which was tooting its horn loudly enough to drown out all other sounds.

"Say, Takanuva!" said Gresh, turning to his friend. "What say you that we catch a ride on that train?"

"We don't have any tickets, though, man," said Takanuva.

"We don't need tickets," said Gresh glibly. "All we need to do is time our jumping just right and make sure we don't get flattened into pancakes."

"Wait, are you two going to try to jump on the train?" said Chirox. "If you do-"

Chirox's threat was lost in the noise of the train roaring past. As it did so, Gresh grabbed Takanuva's hand and, with surprising strength and agility, leapt onto the speeding train. Chirox, alarmed, tried to grab the train, but only succeeded in having his arm ripped off due to the train's speed.

Thankfully for the FCC, Chirox is a Makuta and, as Makuta don't have blood, Chirox didn't horribly bleed to death on the spot.

Instead, he just stood humorously looking at the spot where his arm had once been.

"Well, Negative Nancy," said Nektann, folding his arms. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Chirox whirled on Nektann and said, in a dangerously low voice, "Call me 'Negative Nancy' one more time and I swear by Charles Darwin's name that I will rip out your toenails one by one, as painfully as possible, and then replace them with burning, melting pieces of metal so hot you won't even be able to feel your feet anymore. Got me?"

Nektann nodded timidly. "Um, yes, Chirox, sir."

"Good," said Chirox. "Now come on. Weve got a train to catch."

-

Mata Nui could not recall -- much less totally recall -- the last time he'd ever been in such a bad situation. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd stubbed his toe, much less the last time his back and leg were broken by the same person.

As Mata Nui lay on an unfurnished bed at the bottom of the Pit, he wondered what he'd done wrong. After all, he was the hero of this comedy. How could the hero ever lose? It just didn't make sense, and not in the awesome way that this story didn't make sense, either. It just didn't make sense, period.

Mata Nui also wondered why Teridax had tossed him into the pit, rather than killing him. Was Teridax being a generic action mvie villain or was there some deeper goal behind this sparing of Mata Nui's life?

Whatever it was, Mata Nui knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he had failed. He'd let down everyone -- Kiina, Ackar, Berix, even Bucket-head. He doubted anyone knew of his failure, but he knew it wouldn't be long before Teridax gloated to the whole world about how he had defeated Mata Nui.

If my back wasn't broken, I would be writing emo poetry right now, Mata Nui thought. Really, really emo poetry.

A door creaked open nearby, causing Mata Nui to look and see the prison doctor coming in. The doctor was an old man named Nuju, who, despite his stature and age, Nuju was surprisingly strong; he had singlehandedly brought Mata Nui to this jail cell and had been looking after him ever since.

That didn't mean Nuju was a good doctor, though. On the contrary, Nuju had prescribed Mata Nui with a variety of odd treatments, such as leeches, sucking on week-old hamburger meat, and drinking three pounds of spoiled goat milk. None of it seemed to help Mata Nui much, but as there did not appear to be any other doctors in this place, Mata Nui couldn't complain.

"What do you have for me today, Doctor Nuju?" asked Mata Nui as the doctor approached.

Nuju held up a bag. "Cockroaches. Real, live cockroaches dipped in hot sauce. It will cure you of your ailment and bring you to perfect health."

"Um, doc, not to criticize you or anything, but my back is broken and so is my leg," said Mata Nui. "If you could just help me with that-"

"Oh, really?" said Nuju, tossing the large bag away. "Why didn't you say so sooner?"

"I did," said Mata Nui. "Fifteen times, if I remember correctly. You just weren't listening."

"Well," said Nuju as he pulled a hammer from out of nowhere. "Let me fix your leg for you. Then we'll work on your back."

"Uh, hold on," said Mata Nui upon seeing the hammer. "You know, before we do that, um, maybe you can tell me a bit about this Pit. You know, bore me to sleep with your voice so I don't have to feel the pain when you try to hit my leg back in?"

"Oh, so you want a story now?" said Nuju as he pulled up a chair. "Well, okay. I might ramble a bit, though, and maybe won't make much sense, but I'll try to be as concise as possible."

Nuju leaned back in his chair and said, "Let's see . . . this Pit was founded by Teridax many years ago, shortly after the war."

Mata Nui nodded, without really thinking (then again, when did he ever think?).

"I remember it like it was yesterday," said Nuju. "Well, actually, I don't, but . . . anywho, Teridax decided to make this place into a prison for people he doesn't like. That's why I'm down here, you see."

"What did you do that made Teridax dislike you?" Mata Nui asked.

"Called his mama fat to his face," said Nuju. "I was just being honest, but people don't like honesty. Anyway, the point is Teridax decided to use this prison after some crazy guy tried to kill him and it's been that way ever since."

So that's how he's still alive, Mata Nui thought. I was that crazy guy who tried to kill him. We never did find the body, so I guess he must've somehow ended up down here.

"And, well, that's the story," said Nuju, raising his hammer. "Time to smack your log in!"

"Wait!" said Mata Nui quickly. "Has anyone ever escaped from the Pit before?"

Nuju stopped and seemed to think. "Hmm . . . has anyone escaped . . . nope. Loads of people have tried, but no one has ever succeeded to my knowledge."

"Is there a way out of here?" said Mata Nui.

"Just gotta climb the walls," said Nuju, gesturing outside of the cell. "Unfortunately, the walls are slimy, steep, and have few handholds and footholds. People keep trying but people keep failing."

"Then I will climb out," Mata Nui said.

He tried to sit up, but roared in pain and fell back down, having forgotten that his back was broken.

"Don't make any sudden moves," said Nuju. "Your back and your leg are broken. It's gonna take a few months to get you back into shape."

"I don't have a few months," Mata Nui said. "Isn't there any way we can speed up the process?"

"A few months was only if we wanted to be realistic and believable," said Nuju, shaking his head. "If you want, we could probably get you fixed up and ready to go within a few days, maybe in even less time than that."

"We need to go at the speed of plot!" said Mata Nui. "Of course!"

"Then hold still while I knock our leg back into place," said Nuju as he raised his hammer.

He smashed the hammer into Mata Nui's foot so hard that the sheer pain of the blow would have induced a normal person into a permanent coma.

Mata Nui, however, was no normal person. He took the hammer like a big boy, which is to say that he cried like a baby for two hours. This earned him heckles from some passing prisoners, but then he blew them up just by thinking about it, which made him feel happier again.

Our hero moved his leg around and said, "By George, doc, you fixed it!"

"When you're made of LEGO, surgery is unnecessary," said Nuju. "Now get on your stomach and let me knock your spine back into place with my hammer. It probably won't hurt . . . much."

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 10: Mind Screw

The largest slope of the ski resort looked like a war had been fought there. Huge holes had been blasted in the ground, the air smelled of ketchup (although Tahu liked to imagine it smelled like blood), trees had been ripped from their roots and strewn around like toothpicks, and even smashed tanks could be seen among the few piles of snow that had not been melted away by whatever it was that had destroyed everything.

"Why aren't there any corpses?" said Oris as he and Tahu walked. "Not that I am complaining, but considering it looks like World War III was fought here, I'd expect to see some corpses."

"This is a kids' comedy, Oris," Tahu said reprovingly. "That would be too violent."

A second later, a mad axe man came out of nowhere, swinging his bloody axe like crazy. Tahu immediately stabbed the man in the head, causing the axe man to explode into blood and guts that somehow didn't splatter all over our heroes.

"Like I said, this a kids' comedy," Tahu said. "The author would never allow anything ultra violent or gruesome to be shown. Think of all the angry complaints he'd from parents!"

"Yeah, whatever," said Oris. "Hey, is that the bear's cave over yonder?"

Oris was quite right. On the other side of the slope was a huge, gaping cave mouth. A sign hung with the words 'NO TRESPASSERS' hung just outside the cave, written in what appeared to be either blood or ketchup. A skeleton wearing ski gear sat under the sign, which made the cave look unnecessarily scary.

"That must be where the bear is, then," said Tahu. "And where there's a bear, there's-"

"Us!" said a voice behind them, causing the two heroes to whirl around to see who had just shouted.

Two beings, one a red bat and the other a white insect, were flying at Tahu and Oris. Tahu immediately stomped the ground, which somehow sent a tremor in the earth that created a pillar of rock that would have impaled the incoming attackers had they not swerved out of the way just in time.

Oris immediately drew his bow and started firing arrow after arrow at the incoming villains, but he missed the red bat, while the arrows he shot at the white insect merely went through his body like a ghost. That was when Oris regretted taking aiming lessons at the Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmenship Academy that one semester while in college.

The newcomers landed on top of a destroyed tank not far away. Now that Tahu got a good look at them, he recognized the red bat immediately.

"Makuta Antroz," said Tahu, balling his hands into fists. "I thought you'd been thrown into prison at the end of the war."

"Long time no see, Tahu," said Antroz. "And, for your information, it was Teridax who freed me from prison. Although in truth I was never imprisoned, for in my mind I was able to give myself a sense of peace and freedom that the free man can never truly understand."

"Wait, you know this guy?" said Oris, looking at Tahu.

"Yep," said Tahu, nodding. "Fought him during the war. He was Teridax's top lieutenant. I defeated him, but I didn't know he'd been bailed out."

"And my melancholy friend here is Krika," said Antroz, gesturing at the white insect. "He's quite, well . . . Krika, how would you describe yourself?"

"Useless," Krika said with his head down. "Just like everything else in the whole universe."

Oris snickered. "He's so emo. I hate emos."

"I hate everything," Krika sighed, "because everything hates me."

"Between the two of you Makuta, I can't understand a word of your existential nonsense," said Tahu as his sword caught fire. "But I think I can guess what you're doing here. Teridax told you to follow us and get the golden armor piece before we do, right?"

"Correct, Tahu," said Antroz, nodding. We have been trailing you and Oris for a couple of chapters now. Now that we know where the golden armor piece is, we're going to kill you two, kill the bear, and get the golden armor piece ourselves."

"How cute," said Tahu. "You think you can 'kill' us? Listen, Anty, you tried to kill me before and failed. Why do you think your odds are any better now just because you've got an emo bug at your side?"

"Because, Tahu, I am not exactly the same Antroz you once knew," Antroz replied as he crossed his legs. "While in prison, I learned the secret to unlocking the mind's full potential. Before, I used to rely solely on my physical strength to win battles, but now I understand just how powerful the mind is. Huzzah!"

A second after Antroz said that, the entire world changed. Gone was the barren, battle-worn slope with its tanks and holes. Now Tahu and Oris found themselves standing on a small piece of land in appeared ot be an empty, endless dimension, where the sky was purple and the air smelled of cheese. And they were not alone.

Standing before them were Antroz and Krika, but the two Makuta were no longer the same size as Tahu and Oris. They were now gigantic, each big enough to swallow a whole city if they cared to try. They were so huge that they had to squint to see the pint-sized Tahu and Oris.

"Holy inexplicable plot development!" said Oris, looking around. "Just where the heck are we?"

"Dunno," said Tahu as his sword burst into flame (again?). "All I know is that we're about to be flattened like pancakes."

Antroz raised one foot and started to bring it down on Tahu and Oris. The two heroes tried to move out of the way, but to their astonishment, their legs appeared to be glued to the platform. They therefore had no choice but to watch as the bottom of Antroz's planet-sized foot came closer . . . and closer . . . and closer . . .

-

Bucket-head blocked Gorast's claws with his guns, but she was bearing down on him so hard that he could barely stand. He managed to somehow flip her over his head, but the female Makuta immediately righted herself in midair and slashed at his head, causing the Skrall to jump back to avoid being slashed into ribbons.

Nearby, Icarax was trying to shoot Berix with his shot gun, but Berix was so fast and so small that it proved almost impossible. So Icarax tossed the gun away and instead threw a minimum of 3,000,000 grenades at Berix, which upon exploding vaporized at least half of the jungle, but as it wasn't the half the battle was occurring in, we will say nothing of the hundreds of endangered species that were rendered extinct as a result of Icarax's reckless use of grenades.

"Death! Murder! Kill?" said Icarax, looking through the smoke for Berix.

With a yell, Berix -- who had been floating in the sky -- fell down and smashed his feet into the back of Icarax's head. The blow sent Icarax crashing into the ground, thus creating a small crater, but Icarax moved with the momentum and flipped himself back onto his feet (somehow).

"Man, you're good!" said Berix as he hopped onto a tree branch. "I thought for sure that'd blow your brains out!"

"Death! Murder! Kill!" Icarax answered.

"Oh, I see," said Berix. "Well, how's about I serve up a little Makuta pizza?"

Berix immediately began running around Icarax at the speed of light. Icarax tried to trip Berix up, but the Agori was going so fast that he actually incinerated the sword that the Makuta had tried to trip him over.

Soon, Berix moved so fast that he created a monstrous tornado that ripped trees from their roots. Icarax, however, was unimpressed and with a single clap of his hands caused the tornado to stop. Berix also stopped, but was so dizzy that he stumbled onto his butt, giggling hard as the world seemed to spin around him.

"Tee hee! I love getting dizzy!" said Berix. "It's just like getting high, except legal in more States than Colrado and Washington!"

Icarax was upon Berix in an instant. He seized the Agori by the neck and then slammed him against a tree.

"Death! Murder! Kill!" Icarax said to Berix, without a hint of mercy in his voice.

Berix giggled still, despite having the air choked out of him. "That's funny, but you know what's funnier? This."

Berix had somehow gotten his double barrel pistols in his hands and shot them into Icarax's eyes. Icarax roared in pain as he let go of Berix and stumbled backwards, but our asylum escapee wasn't done with Icarax yet.

Grabbing Icarax's head, Berix head-butted his opponent, sending long, sharp cracks running along Icarax's mask (and, in all likelihood, his skull, too). Then Berix kneed Icarax in the stomach and grabbed the Makuta and tossed him into the air.

"Finishing move!" Berix shouted as he jumped into the air after Icarax. "Super Fists of Doom!"

Without warning, Berix's hands immediately began glowing with energy. When he finally reached Icarax, he reared back and punched Icarax in the chest with both hands.

Such a blow normally would have sent the victim flying into the vast, endless reaches of space, never to be seen again, but Berix's move worked a little different. The energy went through Icarax's body and destroyed the bonds holding his molecules together, thus causing Icarax to explode into trillions of pieces as he screamed one last, rather foul, "Death! Murder! Kill!" And then he was no more.

Down below, Bucket-head shot Gorast in the head, but the bullet only bounced off her thick skull. In anger, Gorast retaliated by body-slamming Bucket-head, sending him crashing through several trees. Bucket-head was back on his feet in an instant, however, and jumped out of the way to avoid a large boulder Gorast had conjured out of nowhere and thrown at him.

"Death! Murder! Kill!" Gorast shouted.

"Would you please shut up?" Bucket-head said. "You know I can't understand a word that you're saying!"

Gorast seized a nearby tree and transmuted it into pure energy, which she hurled at Bucket-head at the speed of insanity.

Bucket-head shot the energy tree, which somehow exploded into awesomeness. Without thinking, Bucket-head jumped into the explosion, causing the explosion to trail along his body as he dashed toward Gorast.

In confusion and panic, Gorast took a step back and said, "Murder! Death! Kill?"

Yelling at the top of his lungs, Bucket-head tackled Gorast. The energy trailing Bucket-head immediately caused another explosion as he tackled Gorast, creating a massive explosion of such incinerating force that it was only through Bucket-head's sheer force of will that it didn't engulf the entire planet in its awesomeness.

When the explosion ended, Bucket-head lay on the ground in a large crater. There was no sign of Gorast.

"Cant . . . believe . . . that actually . . . worked," Bucket-head panted. "Now . . . I hope . . . nothing . . . bad . . . happens . . . to me . . . or I will be so-"

Bucket-head was interrupted when Berix fell out of the sky onto his face. Coincidentally, Berix had thick, heavy iron shoes on his feet, and, even more coincidentally, fell on Bucket-head's face with said shoes.

"Whew, that was awesome!" said Berix as he jumped off Bucket-heads face. "Wasn't it, Bucket? I mean I was all like 'GRAAA' and Icarax was like 'GRAAA' and I was like 'Time to serve up some Makuta pizza' and he was like 'Oh, no, not Makuta pizza! I hate that stuff' and-"

"Berix," Bucket-head, whose face was now flatter than a pancake, muttered. "Please shut up."

"Okay," said Berix brightly. "By the way, we've still got the cheesy grits."

"Good," said Bucket-head as he sat up. "Then we've got to find Mata Nui."

"Hey, your face looks a little flat," said Berix, noticing Bucket-head's visage. "Let me help."

Berix grabbed Bucket-head's face and -- with several painful sounds -- pulled Bucket-head's face out. This caused the Skrall to curse so badly that he would have been fired from this comedy had the author not thought him humorous enough to continue including.

"That's better," said Berix. "Now let's go to Atero and find Mata Nui. He needs to know we've found the cheesy grits right away."

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 11: The Deathalon

If the Death Dome was huge on the outside, it was ginormous on the inside. Huge spotlights shone down on the field, which was nothing but barren dirt with some clumps of dead, icky-looking grass. It was so huge that there were literal clouds hovering near the ceiling, pregnant with rain (and yes, that metaphor is totally appropriate).

Oddly enough, though, the Dome was totally empty. There were no cheering crowds, no cheerleaders or players, not even hot dog salesmen, nothing to indicate that this was a sports stadium of any kind. If anything, to Kiina, it felt as though this place had been abandoned for a very long time.

"Wow, Ackar," said Kiina as they entered the Dome's field. "This place looks almost as old as you."

"Ridiculous," said Ackar, shaking his head. "This thing is younger than me by at least a million years. So stop making jokes about my age and get off my lawn!"

Kiina looked at Ackar quizzically. "I . . . wasn't on your lawn."

"But you were thinking about being on my lawn," Ackar said, nodding knowingly. "I believe in preemptive strikes. That's why I was in the military."

Before Kiina could respond to that, two beings jumped down from the stands onto the field like ninjas. One was a blue bat that looked very serious, while the other was a yellow insect thing that looked rather absentminded.

"Uh oh," said Kiina, pointing at the newcomers. "Who do you think they are? Friends or enemies?"

"Let's find out," said Ackar as he hurled a giant fireball at them.

The yellow insect screamed in a high-pitched voice as the fireball came toward them, but the blue bat jumped in the way and grabbed the fireball and tossed it at the ceiling. The fireball flew through the opening ceiling and safely exploded in the sky over a nearby village, thus killing all of the inhabitants of said village (but not harming any of the main characters, thankfully).

"Hey!" said the yellow insect, looking at Ackar and Kiina. "That wasn't nice! Why'd you, um . . . er . . . oh yeah! Why'd you attack us?"

"Preemptive strikes," Ackar replied. "It's what real militaries do."

"How mean!" said the yellow insect. "By the way, do you two know where a golden armor piece might be? My friend, Vamprah, and I have been looking for it."

The blue bat, apparently named Vamprah, punched the yellow insect in the head, as though he'd just revealed important information.

"Ow!" said the yellow insect. "What was that for, Vamprah? I was just telling the truth."

"Wait a minute," said Ackar, peering more closely at the newcomers. "I know who you two are. You're Vamprah the Silent and you're Bitil the Stupid."

"How'd you know that, Ackar?" said Kiina.

"Fought 'em in the war," said Ackar. "Well, I never actually fought them myself, but I heard plenty about them. Vamprah was supposed to be one of the most deadly soldiers on the battlefield, whereas Bitil was completely incompetent. Oh, and they're both Makuta, too."

"Yes, we are," said Bitil, nodding. "Teridax sent us to kill some people and get the golden armor piece. I can't remember who we're supposed to kill, though. Do you remember, Vamprah?"

Vamprah pointed at Ackar and Kiina.

"Oh, so you think they might know?" said Bitil, tilting his head in confusion. "But they aren't Makuta. Or are they? I don't know."

Just before Vamprah could start killing Bitil, a pillar of dust rose from the earth in between the Glatorian and the Makuta. It swirled like a tornado for a moment before the dust fell to the ground abruptly, like a guy tossing off his robe before he jumped into the swimming pool.

In the place of the dust torndao stood a tall, black-robed being. He towered over everyone else in the Dome and carried a large, deadly-looking scythe in his hands, the tip of which dripped blood. His skeletal hands were all that was visible of his body, for his face was obscured by his hood.

The new arrival suddenly started coughing and hacking, saying as he did so, "Darn . . . dust pillar. Forgot . . . my asthma . . ."

Then he noticed the Glatorian and the Makuta, who were staring at him blankly.

"Ah," said the being, raising his arms. "Welcome, competitors, to the Death Dome! My name is Death and I will be the referee!"

"Uh oh," Ackar whispered to Kiina. "Remember Death? I didn't think we'd ever see him again."

"Hey," said Death, looking at Ackar and Kiina. "You two look familiar . . . yes, I remember you now. It was you and your friends who tricked me not once, nor twice, nay, not even three or four times, but five times. How I brooded over chocolate and daytime soap operas that day!"

"We didn't 'trick' you," said Kiina, shaking her head. "You just kept making the same dumb mistake over and over."

"Death does not make dumb mistakes!" Death declared. "Now let me see the roster here . . ."

Death pulled a slip of paper out of nowhere and read it for a moment.

"That's odd," said Death. "The only contestants I have are Karen, Andy, Vincent, and Barnabas. Those can't be your names."

"That's because those aren't our names," said Ackar. "I'm Ackar and she's Kiina."

"I'm pretty sure my name is Barnabas," said Bitil.

Vamprah kicked him in the shin and Bitil said, "Oh, and his name is Vincent."

"Hmm," said Death, stroking his chin. Bartholomew obviously thought everyone's name was like his. Well, names do not matter. What matters is that you four contestants will take part in the Deathalon! Huzzah and all that."

"What is the Deathalon, exactly?" Kiina asked. "Is it like a marathon, except with death?"

"Not exactly," said Death, shaking his head. "You will work in teams of two to get through a series of obstacles that I will set up to obscure your path. Whichever team gets to the finish line wins the grand prize."

"And what's the grand prize?" Ackar asked.

"This," said Death.

His right hand retracted into his cloak and immediately came back out, now clutching a piece of golden armor.

"This," said Death, holding the golden armor piece up for everyone to see, "is the Deathalon grand prize. It is the most valuable thing I own next to my mint collection of first edition Yu-Gi-Oh! cards."

"So we just have to get through some obstacles?" said Kiina. "Sounds easy enough."

"Oh, but it isn't," Death said, shaking his head. "You only wish you knew about the molten lava pits I have hidden throughout the course, but you don't, so ha!"

"You just told us," Ackar said.

Death stomped his foot. "Darn it! How dare you fool me, Death, a sixth time?"

"No one fooled you," said Kiina, putting her hands on her hips. "You're just not very smart."

"I am super smart!" said Death. "If I wasn't, how'd I graduate with a masters degree from UISE?"

"UISE must have lowered their standards," said Ackar. "Back in my day, colleges used to be extremely hard to get into. You had to translate the complete collection of Shakespeare's works into ancient Greek before they even considered allowing you to enroll in their institutions. Why, I remember when Professor Vakama caught me and my girlfriend-"

"Enough of your babbling, old man," said Death. "The Deathalon is about to begin!"

At the other end of the arena, two large goalposts burst out of the ground and a banner immediately appeared between them. On the banner was a single word, written in large letters: 'GOAL.'

"And you guys need to be a little further back," said Death as he snapped his fingers.

Ackar, Kiina, Vamprah, and Bitil found themselves standing all the way at the back of the stadium. Ackar noticed that he was standing next to Bitil and, what was more, he was handcuffed to the Makuta. Kiina was in a similar situation with Vamprah.

"Hey, Death!" Ackar complained, waving angrily at the grim reaper. "What gives? Kiina's my partner, not a dirty Makuta!"

"Yeah, dirty Makuta are bad partners," Bitil agreed. "Wait . . . what'd he just say?"

Death flew up to the teams, probably grinning evilly underneath his hood. "Oh, but didn't I tell you? Teams are random match-ups. You honestly didn't think you'd be paired with the same person you entered the Dome with, did you?"

"Uh, yeah, we kind of did," said Kiina. "I don't want to be teamed up with an ugly bat."

Vamprah gave Kiina a look that said, Look who's talking, which definitely would have earned him a slap if he could speak.

"Well, that's just how the rules are," Death said. "And you are handcuffed to your partner to prevent you from separating. You must work together if you're going to win the Deathalon."

"What if we don't want to?" said Kiina. "What if we want to trade partners?"

"Sorry, can't do that," said Death, shaking his head. "You're stuck with your partner until the end of the Deathalon. Those are the rules."

"Okay, fine," said Ackar, folding only one arm, for the other was cuffed to Bitil's. "What happens to the losers?"

"They get to spend the rest of eternity with me," said Death, pointing at himself. "In other words, they die."

"We die?" Bitil repeated. He looked at Vamprah and said, "Vamprah, we gotta win this!"

Vamprah irritably gestured at Kiina, causing Bitil to look confused.

"Wait, you want her to win, too?" said Bitil, scratching his head. "Why?"

"No, you moron," said Kiina in exasperation. "He's trying to say that you guys can't win together because you aren't on the same team. Either Vamprah and I will win or you and Ackar will win."

"Oh," said Bitil. "Wait, that's not fair."

"Life's not fair, buddy," said Death. "She really isn't. Just last week when I was playing poker with her and the guys, actually-"

Vamprah cleared his throat loudly.

"Oh, right," said Death, snapping his fingers. "You need to know the rules, then. There're about sixty thousand of them, but you only really need to know a handful."

"Which are-?" said Ackar.

"Rule one is always stick with your teammate," said Death. "Rule two is that you can only interfere with another's team progress if done in a gentlemanly or lady-like way. Rule three is that weapons can and should be used to solve your problems. Rule four is don't fear the reaper. And finally, rule five states that the referee (AKA me) can disqualify whoever I want for whatever reason I want at any point during the race."

"What are the other fifty-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-five rules, then?" said Kiina in astonishment.

"Eh, mostly for technicalities," said Death. "Like rule thirty-seven thousand, five hundred ninety-two, for instance, which states that it is illegal to do a summersault during the Deathalon if your partner has been ill this past Friday."

Bitil looked at Ackar. "I don't know about you, but I was sick this past Friday. So don't do a summersault or we could be disqualified!"

"All right, then," said Death as he floated up into the air, although thankfully it was impossible to see underneath his robes. "Let the Deathalon begin!"

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Hey, guys! I got OpenOffice, so I can now access my story files again, including the file for TLI.

 

To celebrate, I am going to start posting two chapters of TLI a week now, one on Monday and one on Saturday. I just realized that at 27 chapters, it's going to take forever to post all of it, especially since it's been so long since I posted the last chapter. So you get two helpings of awesome a week instead of one .

 

Now onto the chapter itself:

 

Chapter 12: In Which Bears Make Their Second Appearance

 

The Maze seemed a lot smaller than Likus remembered, although that may have been due to the fact that he and Tera kept knocking down walls, thus bypassing most of the actual Maze.

 

Or maybe the Maze actually shrank, Likus thought. Like, maybe someone tossed it in the washer and then put it in the dryer. God I hate it when people do that with my clothes.

 

His thoughts were interrupted when he and Tera turned a corner and found themselves in what was obviously the center of the Maze. It was a wide-open area, ringed with a moat of lava. The ground was mostly barren, with not even one blade of grass to be found.

 

That was not what had caught the two’s attention, however. What they noticed was the shining golden pommel sitting on a pedestal in the very center of the center of the Maze. It shone in the light like a shooting star, making it difficult to look directly at. In fact, when a bird flew by and looked directly at the golden pommel, the bird exploded.

 

“There it is, Tera,” said Likus, pointing at the pommel. “That’s our golden armor piece. I’m sure of it.”

 

“Golden armor pieces scare me,” Tera said.

 

“Come on,” said Likus as he started walking toward the pommel. “We just gotta get this and then take it back to Mata Nui. Easy as pie.”

 

At that moment, however, two bat-like beings swooped down from nowhere and swiped the golden pommel from its pedestal. The bat beings flew high above Tera and Likus, the larger one grinning triumphantly as he held the pommel in his hands.

 

“Ha ha!” said the tall bat being. “You foolish Glatorian. Did you really think shooting down our zeppelin would be enough to kill us? You were sorely mistaken.”

 

“So you were the guys in that zeppelin from earlier,” said Likus. “Who are you and why do you want the golden pommel?”

 

“My name is Makuta Mutran,” said Mutran. “And this fellow here is my servant, Vican. Teridax sent us to get the golden armor piece before you did. And, as you can clearly see, we dangerously succeeded. So take that.”

 

“Give it back,” said Likus, holding out one hand. “Or we’ll play Justin Bieber on our air guitars. Trust me. We know how.”

“Um, no,” said Mutran, shaking his head. “Actually, I kind of like Justin Bieber. So your threat doesn’t-“

 

Without warning, the pedestal and the ground around it exploded, raining down lava and rocks onto Likus and Tera. The two air guitarists reacted immediately, using their air guitars to create the Zone that protected them from the worst of the raining doom, while Mutran and Vican flew around in panic to avoid being hit.

 

Something huge had risen from the lava. It extended its large, skeletal wings as its long, spiky tail swept the landscape. It stood above everyone in the area, like a towering giant that towered over everyone (which is totally not redundant). The monster radiated pure energy, the kind of energy that makes you go ‘oh, crud’ before you're incinerated into a billion tiny little pieces of death.

 

Sitting on the dragon’s shoulders -- because that was what it obviously was -- was a grinning maniac carrying a long, thin spear, while wearing an equally long, flowing black cape that was tattered at the edges.

 

“Who the Karzahni are you?” Likus said.

 

“Dragons scare me,” said Tera, who was now hiding behind Likus.

 

The dragon’s rider grinned down on them all, even on Mutran and Vican. “My name is Vezon. I am the guardian of the Maze’s treasure. This is my pet dragon, Kardas. He’s closely related to the Kardashians, which means we were invited to the marriage between Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. It’s sad how they’ve gotten a divorce recently, isn’t it?”

 

Everyone just stared at Vezon.

 

“Anyway,” said Vezon. “My job as guardian of the Maze’s treasure is to ruthlessly murder anyone who steals it. So who stole it?”

 

Mutran immediately tossed the golden pommel to Likus and said, “They did it!”

 

“I see,” said Vezon, looking at Likus. “Why did you steal the golden pommel? Did you do it because you wanted to make your life count for something? Or are you trying to win your father’s pride and appreciation, which he never gave to you growing up? You don’t have to do that, you know.”

 

“Um, we’re actually stealing it for a friend of ours,” said Likus, who was taken aback by Vezon’s strange calmness.

 

“Ah, friendship,” said Vezon with a sigh. “It makes the best of us do the worst of things and the worst of us do the best of things. Too bad I will still have to murder you and your cowardly friend hiding behind you.”

 

“Murder scares me,” Tera said.

 

“And why does murder scare you?” Vezon asked. “Is it because you do not know what lies beyond the curtains of death? Or do you have some things you’d still like to do here in this mortal realm but have not yet gathered the courage to do yet?”

 

“You scare me,” Tera said to Vezon.

 

Vezon shrugged. “Well, I guess I’m just going to have to kill you both, then. Good bye.”

 

-

 

The train which Gresh and Takanuva had jumped on was moving at the speed of light. They just barely managed to hang on as it zoomed to its destination, wherever that was. The wind blew so hard that Takanuva nearly went flying one time, but thanks to Gresh’s convenient Bag O’ Rope he managed to rescue the Toa before he could be lost in a plot hole.

 

“Where do you think this train is going, man?” Takanuva yelled over the sound of the rushing wind.

“Don’t know!” said Gresh. “All I know is that it’s not the destination that matters, but the journey!”

 

“Whatever, man!” said Takanuva. “Feels like the skin’s being ripped off my face and I don’t even have skin!”

 

It was at that moment when a dozen bears suddenly climbed out of the train’s cargo cars and surrounded Gresh and Takanuva. They were not fluffy teddy bears, however, but real, live grizzlies, with robotic arms and chainsaw shotguns. They also appeared to have rabies, if the foam around their mouths was any indication, although it was probably just the foam from their toothpaste.

 

“Déjà vu!” said Gresh in surprise. “Something about this situation feels very familiar, but now that I think about it, what are the chances of running into bears armed with chainsaw shotguns on top of a train anyway?”
 

“I dunno, man,” said Takanuva. “I mean . . . I dunno, man.”

 

“Well, whatever,” said Gresh. “I’m sure we can take them. Hi-ya!”

 

Gresh jumped into the air and kicked a bear in the face. The bear stumbled off the train with a roar as the other bears moved in, but on Takanuva rather than in on Gresh, who had already proved himself a more formidable opponent.

 

If they thought Takanuva was going to be easier, they were sorely mistaken. Using his twin shotguns, Takanuva blew out the brains of two bears and blocked the chainsaw guns of the others with his own weapons somehow.

 

Then Gresh jumped onto the back of one of the bears and stabbed its skull, causing the bear to roar in pain and swing its chainsaw gun around, decapitating several of its fellow bears. Then Gresh ripped his arm blades out of the bear’s skull, causing it to fall to the train car’s roof, dead.

 

“That was super easy,” said Gresh. “And super violent. We totally kicked their cans, didn’t we, Takanuva?”

 

“Yeah, I guess so, man,” said Takanuva, scratching the back of his head. “But I dunno, it just seems kind of random, you know what I mean?”

 

“Yeah,” said Gresh, nodding. “I wouldn’t worry about it, though, because there are lots of random things in this trilogy. Like my old accent, for example.”

 

“Just makes me wonder where the bears came from, man,” said Takanuva, looking around. “Don’t see anywhere they could have-“

 

It was at that moment that the train car roof exploded beneath their feet, sending the two heroes flying into the air. They smashed through a few clouds before falling and landing on the ground with a somersault.

 

“Dude, what was that?” said Takanuva.

 

Gresh pointed in front of them and said, “There’s your answer, Takanuva!”

 

The train had by now disappeared into the distance (must have been going pretty dang fast), leaving behind two ninjas that now stood before Gresh and Takanuva. Except these two ninjas were like giants in terms of size and also, oddly enough, wore lab coats.

 

“We are the Ninja Scientist Brothers,” said the first ninja, folding his arms like he was trying to look cool. “And you just killed our cybernetic bears. How rude.”

 

“Yes,” said the second ninja, nodding. “As scientists, we are offended by your disrespect for science. Therefore, we will have to scientifically kill you.”

 

The ninjas struck battle poses.

 

“My name is Takeshi,” said the first ninja. “And this is my brother, Shigeru. Together, we will use our unstoppably scientific moves to kill you!”

 

“Hey, that’s not cool,” said Gresh. “We didn’t know those were your cybernetic bears. Sorry for killing them.”

 

“Your apology is not accepted,” Takeshi replied.

 

“According to my calculations, you have a .000005 chance of surviving a fight against us,” said Shigeru. “If you wish to run like little girls, no one will think any less of you.”

 

“Hey, that’s sexist,” said Gresh indignantly. “If I am going to run, I am going to run like a little boy. How rude.”

 

“Yeah, man,” said Takanuva. “I mean . . . I dunno, man.”

 

"Anyway, we're not gonna run," said Gresh, drawing out his arm blades. "We're positive thinkers. You don't scare us."

 

Just as Gresh and Takanuva prepared for battle, the sound of a rumbling truck caused the four soon-to-be combatants to look down the train tracks.

 

Coming up the train tracks at a million miles per hour were Chirox and Nektann. Except they weren’t by themselves, for they were riding what looked like a huge truck combined with a train. Whatever it was, it was extremely loud and probably also not very environmentally-friendly.

 

The train came zooming past, and as it did so, Chirox and Nektann jumped off it. Chirox, using his wings, managed to land softly, but Nektann landed face first into the ground.

 

“Ow,” said Nektann as he sat back up. “That hurt . . .”

 

Tears formed in the Skakdi’s eyes, causing Chirox to kick him in the back of the head.

 

“You moron,” Chirox said. “Don’t cry. You’ll just embarrass yourself and, more importantly, me.”

 

Nektann sniffled. “But you didn’t stop me from crying when Bambi’s mom died.”

 

“That’s because it was amusing to watch you cry over the death of an animated deer,” Chirox said with a smirk. “Right now, if you cried, it would just be awkward.”

 

“Okay,” said Nektann, rubbing the tears out of his eyes. “But if I get upset again, I think I will probably cry.”

 

Chirox sighed and looked toward Gresh and Takanuva.

 

“So you two thought you could get away from us by train jumping, eh?” said Chirox. “Well, you failed there-“

 

“Say, don’t you want the golden armor piece?” said Gresh. “’Cause we don’t have it. So why’d you jump off your own train?”

 

Chirox cursed under his breath, but said aloud, “Well, you see, the golden armor piece isn’t going anywhere. So I thought it would be better to kill you two first and get the golden armor piece later so you wouldn’t be a future threat.”

 

“Actually, Chirox just kind of forgot,” said Nektann. “He was talking about getting revenge on you and killing you when we found you and told me to jump off the train when we found you. Then I fell on my face and I . . . and I . . .”

 

“Don’t cry,” Chirox ordered. “Or else.”

 

Nektann sniffed again. “Yes, sir.”

 

“Wait, we recognize you,” said Takeshi, pointing at Chirox. “You are Makuta Chirox, the scientist famous for his discovery of the twelve uses of dragon’s blood!”

 

“And also well known for disproving the theory of equilateral cheese zombies,” Shigeru added. “It is an honor to meet such a distinguished scientist such as yourself.”

 

“And you two are the Ninja Scientist Brothers, Takeshi and Shigeru,” Chirox said. “You’re pioneers in the field of cybernetic bear enhancements and virtual reality simulators, correct?”

 

“Quite correct, Chirox-sama,” said Takeshi. “We had about a dozen cybernetic bears here, but then these guys- Hey, where’d they go?”

 

As it turned out, while Chirox and the ninjas talked to each other, Gresh and Takanuva had started tiptoeing quietly away while no one was looking. They didn’t get very far before Chirox, Nektann, and the ninjas noticed them, however, causing Gresh and Takanuva to run for their lives.

 

“Hey, get back here!” said Chirox. “I will kill you and make you bodies part of my next experiment!”

 

“And you must pay for killing our bears!” Takeshi called after them.

 

“And . . . um, actually, don’t worry,” said Nektann, shaking his head. “I, um, don’t have any reason to want them dead. Actually, killing them sounds awful.”

 

Chirox grabbed Nektann and flew after Takanuva and Gresh, with the ninja brothers following them at the usual extreme speed ninjas possessed. Whether they would catch them or not, I cannot say, although I will say that it is obvious that they won't.

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 13: Mata Nui’s Training Exercise

 

Mata Nui tentatively stepped forward, like a baby taking its first step. Though Nuju had successfully managed to knock Mata Nui’s back into place, walking was still a difficult task for Mata Nui to accomplish. Nonetheless, he appeared to be making progress, for both he had been unable to even stand without falling over.

 

“Doc, I’m walking,” said Mata Nui as he took another step forward. “It’s like I’ve been born again!”

 

Nuju, who was sitting on a stool nearby, nodded and clapped at Mata Nui’s attempts. “You certainly are coming along. Soon you’ll be ready to run the Olympic Marathon!”

 

“I don’t want to become an Olympian, though,” said Mata Nui. “I mean, not that I’d hate that, but-“

 

Mata Nui’s words were cut off by the sound of dozens of people chanting outside of his cell. Curious, Mata Nui quickly walked over to his cell's bars to see what all the commotion was about. Nuju joined him, but the doctor looked less curious and more grim, as though he knew what was going to happen.

 

There were about a dozen or so prisoners standing at the foot of one of the walls, chanting an odd word over and over again: “Subes! Subes! Subes!”

 

Mata Nui had no idea what scubas had to do with anything. All he saw was a little green Matoran tying a rope around his waist while a big shirtless guy stood by, occasionally helping the Matoran with the knots. Mata Nui recognized the Matoran as Orkahm the Murderer, a serial killer who mostly kept to himself but occasionally tried to murder the other prisoners (he usually failed, however).

 

Once Orkahm’s rope was tied securely around his waist, he began climbing up the steep wall. Mata Nui thought about shooting down the murderer to keep him from escaping, but then Mata Nui remembered that Teridax had taken his gun. Even if he had had his gun with him, Mata Nui probably wouldn’t have done it; after all, there was the chance Orkahm could murder Bucket-head if he escaped.

 

The other prisoners still chanted. “Subes! Subes! Subes!”

 

Orkahm had nearly reached the top. The only thing standing between Orkahm and freedom was the ledge upon which he stood. There was another ledge opposite him, but it appeared he would have to jump to be able to make it.

 

The murderer got to the very edge of his ledge and glanced down. Then he looked at the other ledge, as though mentally calculating the distance. Mata Nui had been informed that Orkahm had been a high school algebra teacher before inexplicably turning into a serial killer, so he obviously knew what he was doing.

 

Then Orkahm took a few steps back and got a running start. He jumped off the ledge toward the other, but at that moment the rope became taut and Orkahm fell. He didn’t fall to the bottom of the pit, for the rope caught him with a sharp crack, causing him to bounce up and down like a yo-yo. He slammed into a wall, which appeared to knock him unconscious.

 

The prisoners had ceased chanting and now looked disappointed. The big shirtless guy from earlier began slowly lowering Orkahm down.

 

“What was that?” said Mata Nui, glancing at Nuju.

 

“That was Orkahm trying to climb the rock wall,” Nuju sighed. “He almost did it this time.”

 

“I don’t get it,” said Mata Nui, scratching his chin. “What kind of a dumb prison allows its prisoners the chance to escape?”

 

“It’s a bit more complicated than that,” said Nuju. “Yes, all prisoners are allowed to make as many escape attempts as they like, but only one has ever actually done it. You see, it gives prisoners a false hope, for they will never be able to escape.”

 

“Who is the prisoner that escaped?” Mata Nui asked.

 

“Teridax,” Nuju replied. “And not a young child or anything. Just Teridax.”

 

Mata Nui looked at Nuju in confusion. “Um . . . I didn’t say a young child did.”

 

“Good, because I didn’t either,” said Nuju. “It was just Teridax.”

 

“Whatever,” said Mata Nui. “Hey, I got an idea. What if I climbed the wall? Surely, being the main character, I will be able to escape where everyone else has failed!”

 

“I wouldn’t count on that,” said Nuju, shaking his head. “I mean, your back and leg have healed up remarkably fast, but the chances of you succeeding are a million to one.”

 

“I like those odds,” said Mata Nui. “I‘m going to go do it right now and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

 

“Okay,” said Nuju with a shrug. “You’re gonna fall like a ball, but if you want to try, be my guest.”

 

With the excitement of a kid going to the candy store, Mata Nui burst out of his cell and ran to the big shirtless guy, who as usual was big and shirtless.

 

“I want to try climbing out of the pit,” Mata Nui said, raising his arms. “Just tie the rope around my waist and I’ll be out of here in no time.”

 

The big shirtless guy shrugged and did as Mata Nui requested. As the big shirtless guy tied the rope around Mata Nui’s waist, the prisoners from before had returned. They watched in silence as the big shirtless guy tightened the rope around Mata Nui’s waist and said, “All right. Finished.”

 

Mata Nui could barely feel his waist the rope was so tight, but that didn’t matter. Once he reached the top, he’d be out of here in a jiffy.

 

Without further ado, Mata Nui began climbing up the rock climbing wall. As he did so, the prisoners below him began chanting the same word again.

 

“Subes! Subes! Subes!”

 

Mata Nui was skeptical of foreign languages, so he ignored their chanting as he climbed. A few times he almost messed up, but thankfully he managed to find a new handhold or foothold to allow him to continue his endeavor.

 

This is easy, Mata Nui thought as he climbed. Only one guy has ever escaped? Everyone here must be stupid or incompetent or both. What a bunch of morons.

 

Finally, Mata Nui reached the ledge where Orkahm and others had failed before. Not being a high school algebra teacher, Mata Nui had no idea how to calculate the distance between his ledge and the next. It didn’t look very far, so Mata Nui assumed it would be easy to jump the distance, especially since his legs were longer than Orkahm’s.

 

Like Orkahm, Mata Nui took a few steps back and then got a running start. He jumped as soon as he reached the edge and, for a moment, seemed to float in midair as he reached out toward the other ledge.

 

Unfortunately for him, the rope suddenly became taut and he stopped inches from the next ledge. Mata Nui then fell and bounced up and down for a moment like Orkahm did, which definitely wasn’t good for his back.

 

“Ouchie!” Mata Nui whined. “That hurt!”

 

The prisoners below had ceased their chanting. The big shirtless guy merely shook his head sadly and began lowering Mata Nui down.

 

This failed attempt did not deter Mata Nui, however. He tried about ten more times before finally giving up. Mata Nui even tried swearing at the rope to get it to somehow make the climb easier for him, but all that did was hurt the rope’s feelings, which didn’t help matters much.

 

With his head down, Mata Nui walked back to his prison cell and sat down on his bed. Nuju stood nearby, shaking his head and tsking.

 

“You fool,” said Nuju. “Like I said, only Teridax has ever managed to escape from the pit. Everyone else here has failed. I think you should just give up.”

 

“No . . .” said Mata Nui, looking back up at Nuju. “I will not give up. I will train harder and become stronger and get harder abs. Then I will try again and again until I smell the sweet air of freedom again. And you will help me, or me help me, I will rip your head from your shoulders and give it to my girl as a gift.”

 

“Okay,” said Nuju. “No need to be so dramatic. I was going to help you anyway.”

“I just needed to be sure,” said Mata Nui. “It’s hard to know who to trust these days. Besides myself, obviously.”

 

“Then let’s get to it,” said Nuju, clapping his hands. “All right. I’m going to throw my hammer at your face and you’re going to dodge it.”

 

“Say wha-“ said Mata Nui before he was hit in the face with a hammer. “Ow!”

 

“You didn’t do it,” said Nuju, turning around to pull another hammer out of a big barrel of hammers behind him. “Let’s try again. When I throw the hammer, you dodge. Okay?”

 

Mata Nui grumbled and didn’t understand how this would help him escape the pit, but he consented to the practice anyway. If it would help him in even a minor way in escaping, Mata Nui saw no reason to fight against it, even though he suspected it was done entirely for Nuju's amusement at his own expense.

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 14: Another Bear

 

Just as giant Antroz’s foot was about to crush Tahu and Oris, a loud “ROAR!” exploded through the air (not literally, but don't feel bad if you were confused. The author isn't a very good writer).

 

The roar was so loud that it actually sent Antroz and Krika stumbling backwards and in a moment everything went back to normal. Antroz and Krika were normal-sized again, they all were standing on the largest ski slope (which still looked like a battlefield), and a gigantic, two-ton bear stood in front of them.

 

This bear was probably the largest bear Tahu and Oris had ever seen. It was as big as a three story house, maybe even bigger than that, with long claws that looked capable of ripping an oak tree in half like the paper it was destined to one day become. When the bear opened its mouth, it revealed row upon row of deadly teeth that looked every bit as sharp as its claws, if not a little sharper. And it smelled like dirty sweat socks, so either it had just got out of the gym or it had sworn off bathing forever.

 

Tahu and Oris would have run away like little school children had they not noticed the golden shield hanging around its neck. It almost looked like bling, but that was ridiculous. Bears don’t wear bling.

 

“Hey, Oris,” said Tahu, pointing at the bear’s bling. “That’s the golden armor piece we’re looking for!”

 

“Great,” said Oris with a gulp. “We’re gonna have to fight big and ugly over there to get it, though.”

 

“Don’t worry,” said Tahu. “I’ve got an idea. Just sit back and watch.”

 

Tahu walked up to the bear, which growled, making a noise like a diesel fuel truck.

 

“Hey, Mr. Bear,” said Tahu, in his friendliest voice. “You look hungry. Want a pick-a-nick basket?”

 

The bear growled even lower now.

 

“Ah, I see,” said Tahu. “Well, how’s about a nice jar of honey? Surely you’d like that?”

 

The bear growled again. If I, the Narrator, had to translate, I’d have to say it probably said something like, I am going to eat your head first so I don’t have to listen to your voice while I eat the rest of you.

 

“Well, how’s about a tasty fish?” said Tahu. “I don’t have one me right now, but if you leave me a rain check I-“

 

The bear punched Tahu -- yes, actually punched him -- sending the Toa flying. Tahu crashed into a nearby tree and didn’t get back up.

 

“’Just sit back and watch,’” Oris said. “Yeah, right.”

 

The bear turned to Oris now, but then it felt something started tugging at its necklace. Angered, the bear reached up behind its neck and grabbed two little things that had been trying to steal its necklace. It hurled the two things at the ground, revealing them to be Antroz and Krika.

 

“Ow,” said Antroz. “Thought that would work for sure.”

 

“Nothing ever works for sure,” Krika said.

 

“Shut up,” Antroz said.

 

The bear raised its paws and stamped them down on Antroz and Krika. The two Makuta managed to teleport out of the way just in time, appearing a few feet away from the bear and Oris.

 

“I think we should run,” said Krika. “Then again, I’m a terrible runner. The bear would probably catch up and kill us in cold bear blood. There’s no reason to run.”

 

“You are right, Krika, in that there is no reason to run,” said Antroz. “Although not for the reasons you stated. We will not run because we are brave, honorable warriors. Running would be dishonorable and would-“

 

Antroz was interrupted when the bear jumped on the two Makuta. The bear landed on them so hard that it literally crushed them out of existence. The last words Krika said before he and Antroz were crushed out of existence were, “Life is useless . . .”

 

Now the bear got up and turned to face Oris, who was frozen with fright.

 

“Aw, [bleep],” said Oris as he nocked an arrow in his bow. “Why do I have to fight the bear? What if he messes up my face? The girls won’t love me if I don’t have a beautiful face!”

 

The bear growled again and charged at Oris. When it was only a few feet away, the bear jumped at him, now roaring like a true bear. That was when Oris realized his puny arrows weren’t going to do a thing against such a mighty beast.

 

Just as Oris was regretting not amending his will to exclude Mata Nui from it, a fireball flew out of nowhere and slammed into the bear. The bear roared in agony as it flew to the side. It slammed into a tank, causing a massive explosive that Oris snapped a picture of on his smart phone.

 

“That’s one for Facebook,” said Oris.

 

He then turned to see Tahu limping toward him. Despite being punched into a tree by a giant bear, Tahu looked all right, aside from the limp.

 

“Did you throw that fireball at the bear?” Oris asked.

 

Tahu nodded. “Yep. The only bears I like are the kind that like pick-a-nick baskets and honey jars. And that bear likes neither.”

 

“I’m just glad it didn’t ruin my looks,” said Oris as he ran his hand through his nonexistent hair. “Ugh, think of the fashion catastrophe that would have been!”

 

“You also would have been dead,” Tahu pointed out.

“Oh, that, too, I suppose,” said Oris. “But my looks are more important. Wouldn’t you agree?”

 

Just as Tahu was about to disagree, a massive “ROAR!” caused them to jump. They looked around until they spotted the giant bear again, except now it was walking out of the flames while on fire.

 

The flaming bear stopped walking and then stood up on its hind legs. It was even more massive now, big enough to swallow at least three full-grown Agori whole.

 

“I am Bearias!” said the bear. “And you have attempted to kill me! Therefore ROAR!”

 

-

 

Bucket-head and Berix arrived in Atero fairly quickly. How they got there is another story to be told someday, involving philosophy, dinosaurs, and flaming chicken soup. Also the author is too lazy to come up with a plausible way for them to get from Bota Magna to Atero that quickly.

 

“Say, Berix,” said Bucket-head as he and the crazy little Agori walked the streets of Atero. “Where is Mata Nui, anyway?”

 

Berix scratched his head as he walked. “Um . . . let me think . . . I don’t know.”

 

“So we’re basically just going to go wandering around until we find Mata Nui?” said Bucket-head. “Atero’s a huge city. It’s several million miles large. There’s no way we’ll be able to find Mata Nui on our own.”

 

“You make a good point, Bucket,” said Berix. “Follow me.”

 

Bucket-head followed Berix into a bar. Like most stereotypical bars, it was full of drunken, carousing men singing off-key, rather child-unfriendly songs about various child-unfriendly subjects. The air smelled of gas and beer, but mostly of gas, causing Bucket-head to gag and wonder if there were any windows open in here.

 

Berix sat at the counter. Bucket-head sat next to him and the two ordered drinks, which the bartender gave them.

 

The two comrades drank for a little while, and then Bucket-head asked, “So . . . how is this going to help us find Mata Nui again?”

 

“What?” said Berix, looking at Bucket-head in surprise. “I was just thirsty. I don’t know how we’re going to find Mata Nui.”

 

Bucket-head sighed heavily. “You realize you’re the dumbest being ever, second only to Mata Nui in terms of sheer stupidity?”

 

“I resent that,” said Berix. “This drink is quite good.”

 

“That’s not what I- oh, never mind,” Bucket-head said, shaking his head. “Look, unless we coincidentally eavesdrop on a conversation important to the plot, it's unlikely we’ll ever find Mata Nui.”

 

Just as Bucket-head finished speaking, two Rahkshi in yellow armor entered the bar. They sat at the counter a few seats down from Berix and Bucket-head and immediately engaged in a conversation with each other, which sounded something like this:

 

“Hiss! Hiss hiss hiss hiss?” the first Rahkshi said, looking at his comrade.

 

“Hiss hiss,” the second Rahkshi concurred. “Hiss hiss hiss hiss, hissy hiss hiss hiss.”

 

The first Rahkshi laughed. “Hiss hiss hiss hiss. Hiss.”

 

“May I help you?” said the bartender to the Rahkshi.

 

“Hiss hiss,” the second Rahkshi said.

 

“Okay,” said the bartender as he turned around. “The usual. Got it.”

 

“Hiss, hiss hiss,” the first Rahkshi said. “Hiss hiss hiss hiss.”

 

“Hiss,” the second Rahkshi agreed, although he sounded slightly apprehensive. “Hiss hiss hiss hiss?”

 

“Hiss,” the first Rahkshi said firmly. “Hiss hiss?”

 

“Um . . .” said Bucket-head, looking at the Rahkshi. “Why do they only talk in hisses?”

 

Berix smacked Bucket-head in the back of the head, causing Bucket-head to glare at Berix and growl, “What the heck was that for?”

 

“Weren’t you listening?” said Berix, looking conspiratorially at the Rahkshi. “They’re talking about Mata Nui!”

 

Bucket-head glanced at the Rahkshi, who were now drinking their drinks, and then looked back at Berix again.

 

“Um, no, I can’t understand, er, ‘Rahkshiese,’” said Bucket-head.

 

“They’re talking about Teridax defeating Mata Nui,” Berix explained. “They said Mata Nui took on Teridax, but Teridax defeated him and tossed him down into the Pit. Said Teridax’s plans can now proceed unabated.”

 

“I’m tempted to just leave Mata Nui in that pit,” said Bucket-head. “He’s always been kind of a-“

 

“We must save him!” said Berix, jumping onto the counter. “Come on, Bucket. We gotta make it to the Pit before the Boogeyman gets to him!”

 

Berix grabbed Bucket-head by the back of his helmet and dragged the Skrall out of the bar at the speed of light.

 

Once they were gone, the two Rahkshi looked at where Bucket-head and Berix had been sitting.

 

“Hiss hiss?” said the first Rahkshi.

 

“Hiss hiss,” said the second Rahkshi dismissively. “Hiss hiss hiss.”

 

“Hiss hiss,” said the first Rahkshi with a shrug as he went back to drinking. “Hiss hiss hiss.”

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 15: The Winners . . . Not!

 

Ackar and Bitil dashed down the Dome’s field. Running parallel to them were Kiina and Vamprah, although they were running slightly slower due to Vamprah’s inability to walk on two legs.

 

Yes, Ackar was aware of what would happen if he and Bitil won. It would mean Kiina’s death, which definitely would make Mata Nui angry when he found out. Ackar rationalized it, however, deciding that he would simply tell Mata Nui that Kiina died in a freak toaster accident and that there had been nothing he, an old man, could have done about it.

 

Kiina’s thoughts were slightly more benign (emphasis on slightly). She didn’t want Ackar to die, but on the other hand, she didn’t want to die, either. If it came down to it, she wouldn’t hesitate to win even if it meant Ackar’s death. Ackar was an old man, anyway. He had to die sooner or later, so why not sooner?

 

With the Makuta, Vamprah fully intended to win the Deathalon, regardless of what happened to Bitil. He was actually quite happy that Bitil was going to die, for he despised his unintelligent, slow-witted comrade, perhaps even more than Ackar and Kiina. All Vamprah really needed to do was get the golden armor piece and bring it back to Teridax, a feat he believed he could accomplish far more easily on his own than with a partner.

 

Out of the four contestants, Bitil’s thoughts were rather kind. He wanted to win, of course, but didn’t want Vamprah or even the other two to die at his expense. Somehow, that just didn’t seem right to Bitil. It just wouldn’t be very fun if everyone died, although he quickly forgot about that due to his absentmindedness.

 

The first obstacle the teams ran into was the lake of lava, which magically appeared out of nowhere just as they approached it. There was no bridge or walkway for them to walk over and it was too wide to walk around, so the teams had to sit back for a moment and figure out how they were going to get across.

 

“Hey, you can fly, right?” said Ackar to Bitil.

 

“Um, no, I can’t,” said Bitil, shaking his head. “Wait! I mean, yes, I can, yeah.”

 

“Then you can fly me over,” said Ackar. “I’ll hang onto one of your arms. Can you carry my weight?”

 

“Oh, sure,” said Bitil, nodding. “Um, I think so.”

 

Over with Vamprah and Kiina, they seemed to have gotten the same idea as Ackar and Bitil.

 

“You’re going to fly me over and that’s final,” said Kiina, glaring at Vamprah. “Okay? So stop your charades and just grab me.”

 

Vamprah, apparently, had been trying to communicate to Kiina in sign language that he doubted he would be able to carry her across the lava lake. As Kiina knew nothing of ASL (American Sign Language), she had gotten extremely impatient, especially when it looked like Ackar and Bitil already had their plan figured out.

 

“I’m not that heavy, anyway,” said Kiina. “I’m thin and light. That’s what Mata Nui always tells me and if you’re going to insinuate I’m fat, I am going to tell Mata Nui and he will teach you a lesson.”

 

Vamprah sighed, then pointed at his wings, as if to say, I won’t be able to fly if you hang on like you want to.

 

“Then what do we do?” said Kiina, tapping her foot impatiently. Then she snapped her fingers and said, “I’ve got it! Hop on my back.”

 

Vamprah looked at her, a bit confused.

 

“Just get on,” she said. “I’ll get us across in the most contrived way possible.”

 

Vamprah looked uneasy, but he jumped onto her back piggyback style. Then Kiina immediately ran toward the lava, which would have caused Vamprah to scream if he could speak.

 

Just as Kiina’s foot touched the lava, a barrier of water immediately appeared underneath her foot, protecting it from being melted. It quickly vaporized in the lava’s intense heat, but Kiina ran so fast that her feet didn’t get burned, even though the lava vaporized the heat quickly.

 

She glanced to the right and saw, to her shock, that Ackar and Bitil had already made it across the lake. Ackar was running, dragging along a rather heat-stricken Bitil.

 

Gotta pick up the pace, Kiina thought.

 

With that thought, Kiina propelled herself and Vamprah into the air with two pillars of water. And, without warning, Kiina flipped herself onto Vamprah’s back and forced the Makuta to glide the rest of the way across the lake.

 

This succeeded, but Kiina ended up crashing Vamprah into the ground. As she herself was okay, Kiina immediately began running, dragging a dazed Vamprah behind her as she did so.

 

The rest of the Deathalon was mostly unremarkable. There was the Mine Field of Doom (which didn’t work out well for Bitil), spikes that shot from the walls at the competitors, and, of course, the ever-present swinging axes of death.

 

Both teams made it through all of the obstacles with ease. This was in part because Kiina and Ackar essentially used Vamprah and Bitil as meat shields due to their severe lack of empathy for other living beings that weren't their friends.

 

The teams also tried to mess with each other. Ackar set Vamprah on fire once, while Kiina nearly drowned Bitil. In retaliation, Bitil attempted to eat Ackar’s arm until Ackar reminded him that they were on the same team, while Vamprah used attempted to confuse Bitil by pointing in the direction opposite the goal. The plan failed when Ackar reminded Bitil of the correct way, although it did put them behind Kiina and Vamprah by a few feet.

 

Finally, after getting across the Field of Uncomfortable Mattresses (which Ackar complained gave him back problems), they were nearly at the end. Standing at the very end of the Dome was a pedestal upon which sat a piece of the golden armor. Despite the lack of light, the golden armor piece shone like the midmorning sun, so brightly that it incinerated the insects that attempted to land on it.

 

Just before the teams reached the golden armor piece, Death immediately appeared before them and held out his hand. “Stop.”

 

The two teams screeched to a halt and looked at Death in surprise.

 

“Hey, what’s that for?” said Bitil, hopping from one foot to the other anxiously. “We have to get going! We don’t have time to chat.”

 

“This isn’t going to be a chat,” said Death, shaking his head. “As both teams have reached the end of the course, it’s time to decide the Deathalon in a tiebreaker.”

 

“You mean we can’t have two winners?” said Ackar.

 

“Of course,” said Death. “If you tie, then I don’t get anything and that’s just not fair for me.”

 

“Who cares about fairness?” said Kiina. “I just want to win.”

 

“That’s the point of this tiebreaker,” said Death, spreading his hands. “If you wish to win, you must answer this riddle correctly.”

 

“Blue!” said Bitil, raising one hand. “It’s blue, right?”

 

Death blinked. “Um . . . no. The answer isn’t blue.”

 

“Wait, I said blue?” said Bitil, scratching his head. “Oh, right. I did, didn’t I?”

 

“Okay,” said Death. “Listen carefully. Here is the riddle:

 

I am yellow and have a barrel-shaped

I don’t have much articulation, but I am well-beloved by many people

I come in a variety of shapes and sizes and colors

I am a beloved children’s toy with a wide variety of accessories.

Who am I?”

 

“Can I buy a vowel?” asked Bitil.

“This isn’t Wheel of Fortune, stupid,” said Death.

 

“Oh,” said Bitil. “Oh. Got it.”

 

While everyone else was still thinking, Vamprah had figured it out immediately. He knew that the riddle was referring to the LEGO minifigure, for it was the only object that he knew of that fit that description perfectly.

 

He tried to communicate this to Kiina by drawing a picture of a LEGO minifig in the sand, but Kiina just looked at him like he was insane and said, “Vamprah, this isn’t the time to worry about LEGO minifigs. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’ve got a big, important riddle to figure out here and you aren’t helping.”

 

Vamprah would have swore quite baldly right now, but was forced to think of other ways to communicate his idea to Kiina.

 

Over with Ackar and Bitil, Ackar thought he’d figured it out.

 

“It must be Mata Nui,” said Ackar. “He’s yellow and . . . oh, wait. Actually he doesn’t fit it at all.”

 

“Maybe it’s me,” said Bitil, looking at himself. “Quick, do I have a barrel-shaped head or not?”

 

Ackar looked over the Makuta critically. “Hmm, I don’t think so, not unless you redefine the word ‘barrel’ at any rate.”

 

The two teams continued to think and talk, while Death stood by. He checked his wristwatch and saw that time was up.

 

“All right,” said Death, snapping his fingers. “You’ve had plenty of time to figure it out. Tell me your answers.”

 

Kiina stepped forward. “Obviously, the answer is cheese.”

 

“Hey!” said Ackar, glaring at her. “That was my answer!”

 

“Aha!” said Death, pointing at both teams. “You have both given the wrong answer! Therefore, neither of you wins!”

 

“What?” said Bitil in shock. “Well, I guess that’s what the rules said . . .”

 

“That’s not fair,” said Kiina. “You didn’t tell us that both teams lose if they answer wrongly.”

 

“Well, what else should I do with you, then?” said Death. “I mean, that’s the only logical thing I should do when both teams lose the tiebreaker. Therefore, you must all die.”

 

Death raised his scythe, but Ackar fired a blast of fire at Death’s hand, striking his hand and causing him to drop his scythe. Kiina somehow used the Force and stole Death’s scythe before the entity could pick it up again.

 

“Hey!” said Death. “That’s not fair. Give it back.”

 

“Um, no,” said Kiina. “Not until you promise not to kill either of us. Otherwise, I wonder would what would happen if the grim reaper died?”

 

“Okay, okay,” said Death, folding his arms like an upset child. “Fine. Both teams . . . oh, wait. That just gave me a delicious idea.”

 

Death snapped his fingers and the cuffs that kept the teams together suddenly disappeared.

 

“All right,” said Death as he folded his arms again. “This is the sudden death match (which, surprise surprise, does not involve me). A battle royale in which everyone must fight everyone to the death. Have a fun time killing each other!”

 

With a flick of his robe, Death disappeared. As soon as he did so, Vamprah slammed into Kiina, sending her stumbling backwards. She did a back flip and landed not far from Vamprah, her trident out and glowing with pure energy.

 

Then Bitil tried to punch Ackar, but Ackar grabbed the Makuta’s incoming fist and hurled him away. Bitil hit the ground hard, creating a mini crater, but stood back up almost immediately, as though that hadn’t hurt him at all.

 

“Looks like we’ve got ourselves some behinds to kick, Ackar,” said Kiina as she and Vamprah circled each other.

 

“Yep,” said Ackar as his sword caught fire. “And we’re gonna kick ‘em good.”

 

-

 

Mutran thought his plan was perfect. He would wait for this Vezon fellow and his pet dragon Kardas to kill Likus and Tera. Then Mutran would swoop in, steal the golden pommel, and return to Atero to eternal glory and bragging rights.

 

I bet Chirox hasn’t gotten his golden armor piece yet, Mutran thought satisfactorily. When I get mine first, he’s going to be soooo jealous.

 

Vican floated near Mutran, watching the battle below. Vican didn’t appear excited for some reason. In fact, he looked rather worried.

 

“What’s the problem, Vican?” Mutran asked. “Aren’t you glad that we aren’t the ones being beaten to a pulp down there?”

 

Vican nodded, but still looked worried. “How will we get the golden pommel if that giant dragon is protecting it, master?”

 

“Oh, don’t worry your little mind over such things, Vican,” said Mutran, scruffing Vican’s head. “Just kick back and watch as our enemies die.”

 

In reality, Mutran wasn’t sure how to deal with Kardas once the dragon finished off Tera and Likus. The dragon’s wings really didn’t make it seem like they could lift it off the ground, much less fly, but Mutran’s wings were also unrealistically small and yet he could fly just fine. He regretted not bringing along his Anti-Dragon Repellent today.

 

Down below, Likus jumped to avoid the Kardas’s sweeping tail. He’d jumped so high into the air that he actually flew up to Kardas’s face and smashed it with his baseball bat (which also had a nail driven through it).

 

With a flap of his wings, Kardas sent Likus flying back to the ground. Likus crashed hard, but got back to his feet immediately.

 

Tera was aiming his sawed off shotgun at Vezon’s head, but without even looking Vezon fired his spear of fusion at Tera. The blast hit Tera’s shotgun, splitting it in half.

 

That strategy probably would have worked in another story, but Tera slammed his two halves together to recreate his shotgun. He aimed and fired at Vezon’s head, but Vezon used his spear of fusion again, this time splitting the bullet into two, causing both halves to fly past him safely.

 

“Why do you guys have to fight us?” Vezon asked. “Why do you cling to life if there is no point to life? You are just making things harder for me and my friend Kardas.”

 

“Because we built this city on rock and roll!” Likus answered.

 

Vezon sighed. “And it appears I will have to destroy the foundation of this city if I am to destroy you.”

 

Kardas opened its mouth and unleashed a blast of energy. Likus, however, was prepared for that and, with his baseball bat, hit the energy blast directly back into Kardas.

 

As Kardas couldn’t take that energy, it imploded. Vezon went flying high into the air due to the implosion, screaming like a little girl, but he didn’t come down. He simply disappeared into the sky, never to be seen again (probably).

 

“Whew,” said Likus, wiping the sweat off his brow. “That was easy.”

 

“Easy scares me,” Tera said.

 

“Well, at least we’ve finally gotten the golden pommel,” said Likus, stashing the golden armor piece into his bag. “How’s about we-“

 

Just then, Mutran and Vican flew out of the sky and landed on the ground. Mutran looked enraged, like someone had just taken his chemistry set he got for Christmas, while Vican tried to look angry but just ended up looking like he was constipated.

 

“No!” Mutran said, stomping his feet. “No, no, no, no, no! That’s not how it was supposed to happen. Kardas was supposed to kill you and then we’d swoop in, take the pommel, and get bragging rights! I hate you both so much now I could just SCREAM!”

 

“Um, sorry,” said Likus, inching away from the temperamental Makuta. “See, thing is, our friend needs this golden armor, so . . .”

 

Mutran threw a knife at Likus, which the Glatorian just barely managed to dodge.

 

“Oh, no you don’t,” Mutran growled. “You won’t get away from me, not without a fight!”

 

“Uh oh,” said Likus, glancing at Tera. “Tera, what do you think we should do?”

 

“Run away,” Tera said immediately. “Fighting scares me.”

 

“Fighting it is, then,” said Likus as he tossed his bag to the side. “All right, Makuta, it’s time to get your game on!”

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

URGENT NEWS: My computer exploded and I lost ALL of my story files, including the files for this comedy. Therefore TLI is on indefinite hiatus until I can rewrite all of the chapters, which may not be for several more months as we don't have the money for a new computer right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

April Fools! My computer is safe and so are my story files, including this comedy's file. I bet I fooled you all because none of you knew that today is April Fools' Day! Ha!

 

So anyway, here's the next chapter:

 

Chapter 16: Plot Twist (in my pants)!

 

Gresh and Takanuva probably could have taken Chirox, Nektann, and the ninja brothers if they’d really wanted to, but as our two heroes needed to find the golden armor piece, they couldn't waste time fighting bad guys.

 

Unfortunately, they were still no closer to finding it now than when they had first came to Grand Di-Shogun Land.

 

As they ran, Gresh tried to think of a place where one might keep a golden armor piece in Grand Di-Shogun Land. His immediate thought was of a ruined factory not far from where they were, a place he had been to previously, although it seemed unlikely.

 

Still, it’s our best bet, Gresh thought. Just gotta lose these guys, though.

 

Gresh stopped and, pointing behind their pursuers, said, “Hey, look! Hey, guys, look! It’s the Batmobile, you guys! Seriously, look, it’s the Batmobile!”

 

Chirox, Nektann, and the two ninja brothers immediately stopped and looked around for the Batmobile. By the time they figured out that the Batmobile wasn’t actually there, Gresh and Takanuva were nowhere to be seen.

 

That was because, thanks to a plot hole, Gresh and Takanuva had managed to magically teleport themselves to the ruined factory. Plot holes are rather convenient for getting around, although due to a lack of government regulation in the manufacturing process I question how fuel efficient or environmentally-friendly they really are.

 

Anyway, the factory looked pretty much the same to Gresh as it did when he first had came there. It was large and devoid of all life. There was a ton of rubble on top of the smashed assembly lines, but it was impossible to tell just what the factory workers had been making prior to the factory’s destruction at the hands of Mata Nui and the others.

 

“What are we here for, man?” said Takanuva as he followed Gresh around. “Looks like a pretty empty place to me, dude.”

 

“I think the golden armor piece is in here somewhere,” said Gresh. “It’s the only place I can think to check, anyway. Don’t know anywhere else in Grand Di-Shogun Land, although now that I think about it there was that train station a ways back . . .”

 

The two heroes wandered through the factory for what felt like an eternity. The place was much larger than Gresh remembered it being. It felt like a gigantic maze, with twists and turns that confused Gresh so much that more than once he found himself going back the way they’d came.

 

Finally, however, they stumbled upon what seemed to be the main control room. Huge, ancient computer monitors dominated the walls, but they were cracked and broken, like some ninja punk had thrown rocks at them. Or perhaps Mata Nui had done that last time he was here.

 

In the center of the room was what appeared to be a box on a table. The table itself was covered with what looked like blueprints, but Gresh and Takanuva didn’t give a darn about the blueprints. They walked over to the box and opened it to discover the golden armor piece they’d been looking for, which appeared to attach to the left arm.

 

“Huh,” said Takanuva as Gresh pocketed the armor piece in his bag. “That was easy, man.”

 

“Well, aren’t we lucky!” said Gresh as he tossed the box away. “Just finding the golden armor piece like that! Makes me think the Great Beings are smiling down on us like the Teletubies sun baby!”

 

Takanuva nodded, and then looked down at the blueprints. “Whoa, man. Look at these trippin’ blueprints.”

 

Gresh looked at the papers, wondering just what was so 'trippin'' about them.

 

At first, he had a hard time understanding what the blueprints showed due to the various notes and arrows dotting the plans. Gradually, however, Gresh understood that he was looking at the schematics for what appeared to be a giant robot, one so huge that its blueprints suggested the finished product would be as big as a large planet.

 

“Is this what the ninjas were building?” said Gresh. “But why would they want to build a robot as big as a planet?”

 

“Because, Gresh, it was not the ninjas’ idea in the first place,” said a voice behind them. “It was Teridax’s.”

 

Gresh and Takanuva whirled around to see Chirox, Nektann, and the ninja brothers standing in the doorway, blocking the only exit from the room.

 

“Whoa, man,” said Takanuva. “How did you know where we were?”

 

“We used our scientific ninja scanning devices,” Takeshi said, pointing at his head. “Which were surgically implanted into our brains. Therefore, we discovered that you had returned to the factory.”

 

“Wait, Chirox,” said Gresh to the Makuta. “What do you mean when you said the idea was Teridax’s?”

 

Chirox looked amused. “I mean exactly what I said, you unscientific barbarian. Teridax came up with a brilliant plan to build a robot bigger than an entire planet. He hired the ninjas to make the parts necessary to build the robot. That is what this factory is for, although when you and your friends' earlier destruction of this factory did slow down the construction process a little.”

 

“Why would Teridax want to build a giant robot?” Gresh said. “Wait . . . is he planning to take over the universe with it?”

 

“Precisely,” said Chirox. “The only missing ingredients he is missing are the golden armor pieces. Why else do you think he wanted them, besides wanting to keep them out of Mata Nui’s hands?”

 

“You monsters!” said Gresh in shock. “You’ll never get away with this!”

 

“That hurt my feelings,” said Nektann, wiping the tears out of his eyes. “I’m not a monster . . .”

 

“Takeshi and I personally supervised construction of the robot,” said Shigeru. “Without our scientific expertise and knowledge, the project could never have gotten off the ground!”

 

“Teridax outsources, too,” said Gresh as he held up his arm blades. “He’s a monster.”

 

“You may think that,” said Chirox. “Unfortunately for you, monsters do not exist.”

 

“Does that mean I don’t exist?” said Nektann, looking up at Chirox in alarm.

 

Chirox sighed. “No, I was just saying . . . oh, whatever. Look, let’s just kill these two and take the golden armor piece back to Teridax, all right? We’ve wasted enough time as is.”

 

“All right,” said Takeshi. “Come, Shigeru my brother, let us slay these fools with our Scientific 0% Chance of Survival Killing Feet Technique! It is unstoppable and, more importantly, scientific!”

 

The two giant ninja brothers jumped into the air and as one shot toward Gresh and Takanuva like bullets.

 

Their technique -- which is unstoppable and, more importantly, scientific -- would have killed Gresh and Takanuva had the two heroes not simply moved out of the way. The two ninja brothers hit the ground so hard that they burrowed all the way to the planet’s core and exploded (though somehow the planet itself didn’t explode as a result).

 

“That was, like, disappointing, man,” said Takanuva, looking down the hole the ninja brothers had burrowed. “Just like this whole trilogy, dude.”

 

“Well,” said Chirox. “Those two fools may be gone, but we’re still around. We can still kill you. Right, Nektann?”

 

“I don’t know about killing, Chirox,” said Nektann with a frown. “What about hugging and loving each other? Can’t we do that instead?”

 

“NO HUGGING OR LOVING!” Chirox yelled. “If you will not help me kill them, then step aside. I can deal with them myself.”

 

Nektann sniffed. “You didn’t have to yell . . .”

 

Chirox kicked Nektann, sending the Skakdi flying. Nektann crashed into a wall and slumped to the ground, unconscious.

 

“Now that that weakling is out of the way,” said Chirox, turning his attention back to Gresh and Takanuva. “How’s about we get this battle started for real?”

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 17: The Great Spirit Rises

 

“You think you’re ready?”

 

“Nuju, I was born ready.”

 

“Then why did you have to go through intensive training to be ready?”

 

“. . . Shut up.”

 

Mata Nui and Nuju stood at the bottom of the rock climbing wall. The big shirtless guy stood nearby, his arms folded and his expression blank, while below most of the other prisoners had gathered to watch. Several of them were lying on lawn chairs, while at least one prisoner was trying to sell concessions to the others.

 

Mata Nui had spent a long time getting ready for this. He still did not see the point of learning to dodge Nuju’s hammers, but after he’d finally mastered that skill, Nuju had declared Mata Nui ready to try to escape the pit again.

 

I think he was just messing with me, Mata Nui thought. When I escape, I will probably come back and kill him in his sleep for being so mean to me.

 

The big shirtless guy offered Mata Nui the rope, but just as Mata Nui was about to take it, he paused.

 

Wait, Mata Nui thought. Only wimps use safety harnesses to keep themselves from falling to their deaths. I am not a wimp.

 

Mata Nui dropped his hand and said, “Sorry, Big Shirtless Guy, I don’t need it. I’m one hundred percent pure beef. Pure beef doesn’t need safety.”

 

The big shirtless guy shrugged and took the rope away.

 

“Mata Nui,” said Nuju, impressed. “How did you know that Teridax managed to escape the pit without using a rope?”

 

“Um,” said Mata Nui. “I did- I mean, I just used my intuition and logic, doc. Haven’t you seen how intuitive and logical I am?”

 

“Then you might be able to do it,” said Nuju as he took a step back. “Good luck, Mata Nui. May the Force be with you.”

 

Mata Nui nodded and said, “Live long and prosper.”

 

Then Mata Nui began climbing the rock wall. As he did so, the prisoners took up their chance once again:

 

“Subes! Subes! Subes! Subes!”

 

What does subes mean? Mata Nui thought.

 

Pausing, Mata Nui looked down at Nuju and said, “Hey, Nuju, what the Karzahni does ‘subes’ mean, anyway?”

 

“It is Spanish for ‘rise,’” said Nuju. “Whenever the prisoners chant ‘subes,’ they are basically telling you to rise.”

 

“Oh,” said Mata Nui. “So why didn’t they just say ‘rise’ in the first place?”

 

“Because Spanish is cooler than English,” Nuju said. “Now subes, Mata Nui, subes!”

 

“Oh, right,” said Mata Nui, turning his attention back to the wall. “Dumb foreign languages.”

 

With that rather intolerant comment, Mata Nui restarted his climb. A few times he almost fell, but luckily there was always a handhold or foothold he could grab to save himself. A few times Mata Nui would rest, but besides that he kept going up and up as though his life depended on it (which it technically did).

 

Finally, Mata Nui reached that same ledge from before. When he stood up on it, a horde of bats suddenly flew out of a hole in the wall, causing Mata Nui to duck to avoid getting his head bit off. He watched as the bats flew out of the pit and was reminded of the time his father had rescued him from a hole he’d fallen into.

 

Whoa, Mata Nui thought, shaking his head. I’ve been watching too many Batman movies, it seems.

 

Now Mata Nui looked at the other ledge, the one he had failed to jump to the first time. Below, the prisoners had ceased chanting. They watched quietly, holding their breath so much that at least one prisoner passed out due to a lack of air. Would Mata Nui make it?

 

I can do this, Mata Nui thought. I can do this.

 

Taking a deep breath, Mata Nui ran across the ledge. When he reached the edge, Mata Nui propelled himself off it with both feet.

 

Our hero flew across the gap between the ledges. Mata Nui expected to fall, but to his amazement he hit against the ledge and quickly tried to grab it lest he fall.

 

But his fingers weren’t strong enough to hold on and Mata Nui would have fallen had not a being in black armor grabbed Mata Nui’s wrist and hauled him up onto the ledge. This caused the prisoners to cheer and restart their chanting of “Subes! Subes!”, except this time with autotune for some reason.

 

“Thank you, stranger,” said Mata Nui as he looked up at his rescuer. “Who are- Whoa! It’s Batman!”

 

Mata Nui was correct. The Dark Knight stood above Mata Nui, looking down at him with unkind eyes.

 

“Why are you here, Batman?” said Mata Nui in surprise. “How’d you even know I was here?”

 

“My lawyer informed me that someone was infringing on a copyrighted part of my movie,” said Batman in his gravelly voice. “It didn’t take long for me to make the author tell me where you were.”

 

“Oh, um,” said Mata Nui, looking around. “Your lawyer must be mistaken.”

 

“He can’t be,” said Batman.

 

“Why’s that?”

 

Batman grabbed Mata Nui and slammed him against the wall. “Because I’m my lawyer.”

 

“Please, Mr. Batman, don’t kill me,” Mata Nui pleaded. “I didn’t know you had this scene copyrighted. I didn’t even know that that was possible.”

 

“It’s not,” Batman said, shoving Mata Nui to the ground. “I just came here to give you an example of what I’d do if you really were infringing on my copyrights.”

 

“Um, okay . . .” said Mata Nui, deciding it best not to question Batman’s screwy logic.

 

Batman turned around and pulled a jar out of his armor. He then opened the jar and started pouring out pieces of paper that were inside it.

 

“Um, what are you doing?” said Mata Nui.

 

“Giving five dollar off coupons for the DVD of The Dark Knight Rises at Wal-Mart,” Batman replied. “Gotta make money somehow.”

 

Batman immediately pointed behind Mata Nui. “Hey, is that me?”

 

“What? Where?” said Mata Nui, turning around.

 

It took Mata Nui three seconds to realize he’d been tricked. Angered, Mata Nui turned around to tell Batman off, but the caped crusader and his gravelly voice were nowhere to be seen.

 

“How does he do that?” said Mata Nui. “Probably used a plot hole, I’m sure.”

 

Mata Nui looked down at the prisoners, who were examining the coupons Batman had given them. The coupons seemed useless, considering that there were no Wal-Marts in the pit, so Mata Nui was not sure what they’d do with them, but he forgot about it as soon as he looked upwards.

 

It only took Mata Nui a few minutes to climb the rest of the way out of the Pit. He pulled himself up and onto the solid, slimy ground of the sewer system. There was a bundle of rope next to him, which he could have thrown down to allow the rest of the prisoners to escape, but Mata Nui decided he’d let them escape on their own. He didn’t have any help, after all, so why should they?

 

As Mata Nui sat there, breathing hard, he heard two people running through the sewers. His first thought was that two Rahkshi were coming to get him and throw him back into the Pit, but when the two beings emerged from a nearby tunnel, Mata Nui recognized them as friends.

 

“Berix! Bucket-head!” said Mata Nui as he got to his feet. “What the Karzahni are you two doing down here?”

 

Berix and Bucket-head quickly ran up to Mata Nui, but Bucket-head accidentally slipped on the sewer floor and probably would have fallen into the Pit had Berix not duct taped him to the floor.

 

“We overheard two Rahkshi talking about you,” said Berix. “Wasn’t sure at first, but when I heard one of them say ‘Hiss, hiss, hiss,’ I totally figured it out.”

 

“Don’t ask me,” Bucket-head growled as he tried to break free of the duct tape. “I don’t speak Rahkshiese.”

 

“Well, good job,” said Mata Nui, patting Berix on the head. “You’re a bit too late, though. I just escaped the Pit on my own with a little help from Batman.”

 

“Batman?” said Berix, looking around. “Where is he?”

 

“He left (rudely, I might add),” said Mata Nui dismissively. “Anyway, did you two get the golden armor piece?”

 

Berix looked completely nonplussed until Bucket-head said, “The cheesy grits, Berix, the cheesy grits! Mata Nui wants to know if we’ve got the cheesy grits.”

 

“Oh!” said Berix as he dug through his bag. “Let’s see, yep, we’ve got it right here.”

 

Berix handed Mata Nui the chest armor piece, which Mata Nui held up.

 

“You sure this is the real thing?” said Mata Nui.

 

Berix took the armor piece and stuffed it in his mouth. After chewing on it for a few moments, Berix spat it out and handed the now-wet golden armor piece back to Mata Nui. “Yep, it’s real.”

 

“Uh, you can hold it for now,” said Mata Nui, giving it back to Berix. “Just don’t lose it, all right?”

 

“Okie dokie,” said Berix as he stuffed the golden armor piece back into his bag. “I will lose it.”

 

Bucket-head -- who had by now successfully managed to escape the duct tape -- looked at the Pit questioningly. “Mata Nui, how’d you end up in that pit in the first place? Surely you didn’t trip and fall in on your own, did you?”

 

“That is none of your business,” Mata Nui replied. “All you need to know, Bucket-brains, is that Teridax has one of the golden armor pieces and we need to get it back from him.”

 

“Bucket-brains?” said Bucket-head. “Seriously, is that your name for me now?”

“No it’s not, Bucket-moron,” Mata Nui answered. “Keep your mouth shut or I’ll . . . I’ll . . .”

 

Mata Nui was patting his own body, apparently looking for something, but whatever it was, it obviously wasn’t there.

 

“That sneaky little son of a gun,” said Mata Nui, looking down at himself in anger. “I forgot that Teridax have stole my 40kMGA! When I meet him again, I am going to rip that dastard limb by limb and I am going to enjoy every minute of it.”

 

“So let me see if I’ve got this right,” said Bucket-head. “You probably came down here looking for the golden armor piece. You run into Teridax and you two fight for the golden armor piece. Teridax wins, steals your gun, and throws you into the Pit. Is that righ-“

 

Mata Nui grabbed Bucket-head and hurled him all the way across the room. The Skrall smashed through the wall, ending up in the lair of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

 

Unfortunately for Bucket-head, the Turtles did not want visitors. So they kicked him back out so hard that he went flying across to the other side of the chamber again, where Berix and Mata Nui stood.

 

Bucket-head crashed at Mata Nui’s feet and grumbled, “When will I learn to keep my mouth shut?”

 

“You never will because you’re stupid,” said Mata Nui, kicking Bucket-head in the face. “Anyway, is there anyone else back from their pretentious quests?”

“Nope,” said Berix brightly. “We’re the only team whose gotten our cheesy grits. Do we get a prize?”

 

“Yeah, you do,” said Mata Nui as he and Berix started walking down a tunnel. “You get an all expenses paid vacation to helping me kick Teridax’s butt to the moon.”

 

“Yay!” said Berix, clapping excitedly. “I’ve been wanting to take a vacation for a while now, but I’ve just been so busy I’ve never had the time to sit down and figure it all out.”

 

As Mata Nui nodded, Bucket-head got slowly to his feet and started following the two maniacs. He figured Mata Nui would most likely use him as a meat shield in the coming battle, but Bucket-head was used to that by now. If he tried to run away, Mata Nui would just hunt him down and kill him.

 

Kind of makes me wish I’d never become involved with these psychos in the first place, Bucket-head thought. Ever.

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 18: This is a Bearly Tolerable Pun

 

Bearias opened its mouth and unleashed a Godzilla-style laser beam. Tahu and Oris scattered to avoid the beam, which was powerful enough to rip apart the ground where they had stood previously.

 

Without really thinking it through, Tahu fired a burst of intense fire at Bearias, but the flame didn’t even burn him. It should be noted that Bearias was already on fire; therefore, fire was useless against him (that makes sense, right?).

 

Oris kicked down a tree and then hurled it at Bearias at a million miles per hour. Bearias saw it coming out of the corner of his eye and, with physics-defying speed, turned his head and swallowed the tree whole.

 

“No one can defeat Bearias!” the giant bear roared. “I am unstoppable! Die, die, die!”

 

Bearias slammed its front paws against the ground, creating a tidal wave of fire that probably would have destroyed everything in the area had Tahu not punched the tidal wave back into Bearias.

 

The sudden backed up flow of energy sent Bearias flying. The bear entity immediately recovered in midair, however, and, curling into a ball, went hurtling back toward the earth. It slammed into the mountainside, causing the previously dormant volcano to erupt, raining chunks of rock and lava down on the whole area.

 

Oris aimed his bow and fired. The arrow hit Bearias in the eye, but the entity just pulled the arrow out and crushed it in its paw. Bearias’s eye healed immediately; in fact, it was actually better now, for previously Bearias had had to wear contacts to be able to see and now he didn't. So yay for him and stuff.

 

“Tahu! What the heck are we going to do against him?” said Oris. “He’s too powerful!”

 

“I’ve got an idea,” said Tahu. “Oris, stand back. I’ll teach this bear just what fire is really all about.”

 

With that, Tahu ran at Bearias at the speed of stupidity. As he did so, Tahu charged fire through his fists until they were burning so brightly and so hot that they actually melted the air around them.

 

Bearias noticed Tahu coming in too quickly and only had time to say, “What-“ before Tahu jumped and slammed both of his fists into Bearias’s face.

 

“Bearias!” Tahu shouted over the sound of the burning flames. “It is time you feel all of my passion and sorrow and anger! Take this! Erupting burning finger!”

 

With that rather melodramatic speech, Tahu charged all of his fire power into Bearias’s body. This resulted in too much energy for the bear entity’s body to handle, which, you guessed it, caused Bearias to implode.

 

In the seconds before Bearias imploded, however, Tahu ripped the golden shield necklace off Bearias’s neck and leapt off the bear entity's body. He did a thousand flips through the air as Bearias imploded behind him, landing on the ground without a hitch.

 

“Beat that,” said Tahu to Oris.

 

Oris snorted. “And ruin my looks? Sorry, Tahu, but I don’t think so.”

 

Tahu sighed. “Whatever. Look, I got the golden shield. We’d better head to Atero, where Mata Nui is. He needs this golden armor piece right away, wouldn’t you say?”

 

“Oh, but it’s so reflective,” said Oris as he stared at it. “It makes a good mirror. I mean, um, yes, we should get it to Mata Nui right away.”

 

So the two heroes began running off toward Atero, ignoring the now-destroyed ski slope as they ran.

 

-

 

“Say, Mata Nui,” said Berix as the three of them walked together. “Just where is Teridax, anyway?”

 

“Um . . .” Mata Nui scratched the back of his head. “My infallible sense of direction says that way.”

 

Mata Nui pointed down a side street, causing the party of three to stop and look down it.

 

“Mata Nui,” said Bucket-head, looking at the hero. “You do realize that your ‘infallible sense of direction’ has thus far gotten us hopelessly lost, right?”

 

“We’re not hopelessly lost,” Mata Nui insisted. “My infallible sense of direction is never wrong. You just don’t know that it’s the journey that counts, not the destination.”

 

“We should just ask someone for directions,” said Bucket-head. “Surely, if Teridax is a big criminal mastermind and everything, someone must know where he is.”

 

“Bucket-head, you know that I never do things the easy way if there is a harder and more obnoxious way to do it,” Mata Nui replied. “Therefore, we follow my infallible sense of direction.”

 

“I trust Mata Nui’s infallible sense of direction,” said Berix. “I mean, if I didn’t, I would never have found this delicious burger!”

 

The Agori held up a half-eaten, moldy burger that he’d dug out of a trash can earlier. Without further ado, Berix stuffed the rest of the burger into his mouth and began eating it.

 

“Ew,” said Bucket-head. “That’s got to be a health violation.”

“Seeing as Berix and I agree on my infallible sense of direction, you lose, Bucket-head, as always,” said Mata Nui with a smirk. “The majority always wins in an election. Unless you stuff the ballots with tons of fake votes, but most people don't do that so whatever.”

 

Bucket-head swore under his breath, but followed Mata Nui and Berix down the alleyway anyway. Just as they entered the alley, Mata Nui grabbed a building and actually shook it, similar to the way one might shake an unopened Christmas present.

 

The resulting shake caused a Rahkshi to fall out of it. The Rahkshi landed head-first on the street, dazed and confused. I am not going to ask how Mata Nui managed to shake the building. That’s a question better left for never because you’re never going to get a coherent answer from the author about it.

 

Mata Nui lifted the Rahkshi up and slammed him against the wall. “Where’s Teridax?”

 

“Hiss!” said the Rahkshi in fear. “Hiss, hiss, hiss hiss!”

 

“Berix, what did he say?” said Mata Nui, glancing over his shoulder at the Agori.

“He said he’s not going to tell even though he’s about to soil himself,” said Berix. “Pretty brave guy if I do say so myself.”

 

“Okay, then,” said Mata Nui, turning back to look at the Rahkshi. “Hey, Rahkshi. You know what two minus one equals, right?”

 

The Rahkshi nodded but said nothing.

 

“Well, the way I see it, you Rahkshi are made of two parts,” said Mata Nui. “So if I ripped you in half, you’d only be one part. Want to see if my math is correct?”

 

The Rahkshi shook its head.

 

“Good,” said Mata Nui. “Then tell me where Teridax is and I won’t have to do math on you.”

 

“Hiss hiss hiss hiss!” said the Rahkshi, pointing to the north. “Hiss hiss hissy hiss hiss!”

 

“He said Daddy is in the Coliseum,” said Berix. “Something about watching American football. I dunno. His overwhelming fear of you is starting to mangle his sentences a little.”

 

“I know where the Coliseum is,” said Mata Nui. “Thanks for you help, Rahki. You are now dismissed.”

 

Mata Nui hurled the Rahkshi into the sky at g-force speeds, causing the Rahkshi to scream as it incinerated due to the speed at which it was thrown (or something like that).

 

“All right,” said Mata Nui, wiping the dust off his hands. “Time to follow my infallible sense of direction to the Coliseum.”

 

“If you have such an infallible sense of direction,” Bucket-head began, “then why did you have to-“

 

“My infallible sense of direction says the Coliseum is this way!” said Mata Nui, running down the alleyway. “You’d better catch up because my infallible sense of direction isn’t going to wait for you!”

 

“Yay! I love string!” said Berix as he ran after Mata Nui.

 

Bucket-head sighed and started running after Mata Nui and Berix. He realized this chapter’s ending was almost exactly the same as the last chapter’s.

 

The author must be getting unoriginal, Bucket-head decided. Not surprising, considering he keeps bringing back the same old jokes over and over again.

 

It was just then that a hammer came out of nowhere and landed on Bucket-head’s head.

 

“Ow,” said Bucket-head, looking up at the sky. “What the heck?”

 

The author told me to drop a hammer on you for calling him unoriginal.

 

“Why does everyone hate me?” Bucket-head growled as he tried to keep up with Mata Nui and Berix. “Seriously, why?”

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 19: To the Death

 

“Bring it on, Bitil,” said Ackar as he tossed his flaming sword from hand to hand. “I can totally kick your butt into the next dimension. Literally.”

 

“Oh, you can?” said Bitil. “Well, um, I can do stuff, too. Like this.”

 

Without warning, a million Bitil clones appeared out of nowhere, each identical to the original Bitil. In fact, there were so many of them that Ackar couldn’t tell which Bitil was the real one.

 

“Whoa,” said Ackar, blinking. “Either my contacts aren’t in right or I’m on a bad trip and I don’t know it.”

 

“It’s not a trip,” said one of the Bitils. “This is reality, I think.”

 

“You see, Ackar, I have the ability to summon past versions of myself to aid me in combat,” said another Bitil. “I can summon as many as I need to from any time period in my life, from my birth to my angsty teenage years to my swinging college years and beyond.”

 

“I’m not going to listen to any authority,” said one Bitil, whose face was pimply. “I’m a rebel, man.”

 

“That’s my teenage self,” said another Bitil. “I was, um, rebellious as a teen, it seems. Or was I? Uh, hold on, I think I’m forgetting something really important . . .”

 

“Yeah,” said Ackar, nodding. “You’re forgetting that I’m about to kick your butt!”

 

Ackar dashed forward and, with the precision of a trained sniper, fired a stream of fire through the crowd of a million Bitils. The fire beam flew straight and true, hitting in the face the Bitil that stood in the very center of the army of Bitils, causing the time-displaced clones to abruptly disappear.

 

“Ouchie!” said Bitil, grabbing his mask. “How did you know I was the original and that they would go back to their original timelines when I was harmed?”

 

“Just guessed,” said Ackar with a shrug. “Now die!”
 

Ackar spun his sword in his hands and then hurled it at the speed of awesome. The sword struck Bitil directly in the chest, causing Bitil to go stumbling backwards as the sword’s flames spread over his body.

 

Then Ackar ran and jumped, landing perfectly on Bitil’s chest, where his sword was still stuck. Ackar then grabbed the hilt of the sword and charged a thousand tons of fire through the sword and into Bitil’s body.

 

Considering that all Makuta are technically just gas stored inside empty suits of armor, the flame inside Bitil ignited the gas, creating a massive explosion that sent Ackar flying all the way to the roof of the Death Dome.

 

Flipping around in midair, Ackar hit the roof with his feet and then launched himself back to the ground. He smashed into the floor, creating a giant crater that would drive up the insurance rates on the Dome like crazy (at least Bitil was dead, though).

 

Meanwhile, Vamprah was flying around, swooping down every now and then to take a cheap shot at Kiina.

 

“Get down here!” said Kiina, waving her trident at him. “I just want to kill you a little!”

 

Vamprah shook his head, as if to say, No. You’re a crazy woman.

 

“And why are you so quiet, anyway?” Kiina demanded. “How can I have witty banter with a villain who can’t talk?”

 

Vamprah’s answer was to fire a blast of darkness energy at Kiina, but our heroine merely hit the blast away with her trident.

 

“Seriously, you’re the most boring villain ever,” said Kiina. “Even the ninjas were more exciting than you, and dang were they boring.”

 

Angered a being compared to such lame villains, Vamprah shot down toward her. He slammed into her, sending Kiina flying uncontrollably through the air. This gave Vamprah the opportunity to fly above her and raise his fists, ready to smash her into the ground.

 

Of course, by this time, it shouldn’t surprise you, my dear reader, to know that Kiina had a plan. She somehow managed to control her uncontrollable flight and grabbed Vamprah. She flipped around in midair until she was on top and then hurled the Makuta to the floor.

 

Vamprah collided with the ground so hard that he burrowed all the way into the City of the Mole People. The Mole People did not want Vamprah, however, and so kicked him back up o the surface. After that, the Mole People went back to planning their invasion of the surface world, which in the future would succeed where their previous plan had failed, thus making the Mole People the dominant species of the planet.

 

That’s irrelevant to plot, though, so let’s get back to the real story.

 

As Vamprah went flying back up into the air, Kiina appeared above him. Her trident was charged with so much energy that it looked close to imploding and Kiina knew exactly how she was going to release all of this pent-up energy. She raised it above her head and brought the energy-laden trident down on Vamprah’s poor head.

 

The resulting implosion was ginormously huge, but Kiina managed to contain it by putting it inside a cardboard box and firing that cardboard box into space. There it safely imploded, which did nothing save cause a few stars to go supernova and become black holes, which in turn destroyed a few nearby planets (that most likely uninhabited).

 

“Smoke that!” said Kiina as she fell to the ground gracefully.

 

As soon as Kiina landed, Ackar walked over to her, his sword on his shoulder.

 

“Hey, Kiina,” said Ackar as he approached her. “Kicked some butt?”

 

“Yep,” said Kiina, nodding. “Kicked some good butt. What about you?”

 

“Of course,” said Ackar. “I wouldn’t be fit to be a main character in this comedy if I couldn’t go toe-to-toe with modern hipsters, you know what I’m saying, smack girl?”

 

Kiina looked at Ackar in disbelief. “Are you trying to sound hip? Again?”

 

Before Ackar could answer, a corridor of darkness appeared and Death stepped out of it. Though his face was cloaked by his hood, it was easy to tell that the personification of death was not a happy camper.

 

“Darn it!” said Death, stomping his feet. “Darn it, darn it, darn it! There was only supposed to be one winner, not two. That’s not right.”

 

“Well, we won’t fight each other, Death,” said Ackar. “We’re friends and friends stick together. Except if those friends have a disagreement about politics or religion. Then they can do whatever they want.”

 

“You have fooled me but seven times now,” Death declared. “I, Death, am so infuriated that I cannot even begin to describe my anger toward you two!”

 

“We won the game fair and square, Death,” said Kiina. “Give us the prize or else.”

 

“Or else what?” said Death. “You cannot kill the personification of death itself!”

 

“No, but we can embarrass him,” said Ackar as he pulled some random papers out of nowhere. “Do you recognize these letters, Death?”

 

Death gasped. “How did you get my love letters to Life?”

 

“Yeah, Ackar, how did you get them?” Kiina said, looking at her friend in surprise.

 

“Good ol’ fashioned plot holes,” Ackar replied. “Now, Death, I’m not too good with computers and the Internet and all that jazz, but I understand that when something is put on the Internet, it is there for life. Unless you give Kiina and me the grand prize, I will post these on the Internet for all to see.”

“Oh, no,” said Death, who was trembling. “You can’t be serious.”

 

“I am,” said Ackar.

 

“But if you do that, then no one will be afraid of Death- er, I mean me, anymore!” said Death. “All right, all right, I’ll give you the prize. Just please don’t post my love letters to Life on the Internet.”

 

Death snapped his fingers and the golden armor piece appeared in Kiina’s hands. She immediately stowed the golden armor piece in her purse (because, you know, girls only have purses and not bags, which are reserved for men only).

 

“Thank you,” said Ackar. “That’s not all I want, however.”

 

“What more could you desire from me?” said Death. “Immortality? Knowledge of the afterlife that no mortal possesses? A ‘get out of the underworld free’ card?”

 

“Actually, I want you to teleport us to the city of Atero,” said Ackar. “We’ve got a friend there who really needs the prize we just won. So send us there or else everyone will know just how much of a sissy you really are.”

 

“Okay, okay!” said Death. “To Atero it is, then.”

 

Death snapped his fingers again and Ackar and Kiina disappeared. During the teleportation, however, Ackar accidentally dropped the papers, causing them to fall to the floor of the Death Dome.

 

Panicked, Death picked up the love letters immediately. He looked furtively around, to make sure no one was looking, and then began to reread the letters of his youth.

 

His nostalgia was crushed, however, when Death noticed the big, squiggly letters, the bright crayon-colors, and the construction paper used to write these letters.

 

“Wait a minute,” said Death. “These aren’t the love letters I wrote to Life. These are strange little stories written by some Berix kid about how he and his pixie friends saved the world from evil. I have been tricked an eighth time now!”

 

In anger, Death threw the papers to the ground and sliced open a portal to another dimension with his scythe.

 

“Never again will mortals trick me!” said Death. “I shall go home and mope around on the couch about how I have been tricked eight times by puny mortals! Rah!”

 

Death stepped through the portal and disappeared. At the same time, Bartholomew entered the field, looking around curiously.

 

“Hmm?” said Bartholomew, looking around. “I thought I heard Master Death whining. Perhaps my nonexistent ears were playing tricks on me again.”

 

It was then that Bartholomew noticed a pile of brightly colored construction paper sitting on the ground. The skeleton zombie guy walked over to the pile of construction paper and picked it up.

 

“My Bigg Addventoores, by Bearicks,” Bartholomew read. “Hmm, what could this be about?”

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 20: The Battle is On!

 

Mutran lashed out at Likus with his sword, but Likus blocked it with his nail-driven baseball bat. Then Likus tried to hit him, but the Makuta deflected the blow, sending Likus stumbling backwards. This gave Mutran the opportunity to run at the hero, swinging his sword like crazy.

 

Recovering quickly, Likus smashed his baseball bat into Mutran’s face, sending him flying. Mutran rolled with the impact, however, and somehow managed to land on the ground perfectly.

 

“Foolish Glatorian!” said Mutran. “Give up! Don’t you know that the end of the world is going to happen this year because the Mayan calendar said so?”*

 

“Sorry, but I don’t believe in pseudoscience,” said Likus. “I do believe, however, in home runs!”

 

Likus dashed forward and swung his bat at Mutran. Mutran ducked, but that turned out to be a deadly mistaken, for Likus lashed out with his foot, kicking Mutran directly in the face with enough force to send the Makuta stumbling to the ground.

 

“Time to finish it!” said Likus as he jumped into the air. “Finishing move! Baseball Bat of Death!”

 

As Likus brought his bat down on Mutran, the scientist reacted immediately. He smashed his fists together so hard that it created a sonic boom that smashed into Likus, sending the guitarist flying. Likus landed on the ground several feet away, dazed and confused.

 

“So who is going to be delivering the finishing move now, Likus?” said Mutran as he stood back up, dusting himself off.

 

Meanwhile, Tera was facing off against Vican. Vican was quick and nimble, but Tera managed to keep up with the Matoran, despite his timidity.

 

“I don’t get it,” said Vican as he slashed at Tera. “How can you fight master and me when you are always so scared of everything?”

 

Tera blocked Vican’s blow and reacted with an attack of his own, kicking Vican upside the head with enough force that probably would have killed a normal mortal.

 

“Th-that’s just the thing,” said Tera. “I-I am always afraid because fear g-gives me power. And power scares me.”

 

Vican put his hands on his head, probably to make sure it was still attached after that devastating attack, and then charged at Tera again. He slashed with both claws, but Tera caught his attacks on his sawed-off shotgun and pushed back, sending the villager flying.

 

Then Tera raised his gun, aimed at Vican, and fired. When the bullet struck Vican, it caused the Matoran to implode spectacularly, causing several pedestrians (because the Maze has pedestrians, obviously) to exclaim, “Oooo! Ahhhh!”

 

It also briefly distracted Mutran, who looked up at the implosion that had once been his servant and said, “What the Karzahni?”

 

This gave Likus the opportunity he needed to strike. He got up and smashed his baseball bat into Mutran’s side, sending the Makuta flying. Mutran crashed into the ground so hard that he caused a building in Chicago to explode.

 

“Tera!” said Likus. “It’s time to finish this!”

 

Tera nodded and ran over to Likus even as Mutran struggled back to his feet.

 

Leaning on his sword, Mutran growled, “Give up. There’s no way you two can defeat me in combat.”

 

“You’re right about that,” said Likus. “But did it ever occur to you that we might defeat you in music?”

 

Without further ado, Likus and Tera pulled their air guitars out of nowhere and started rocking out loud.

 

“Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!” the two air guitarists sang in unison. “Duh, duh, duh, duh!”

 

“Oh, no!” said Mutran, taking a step back in horror. “I cannot rock like that! Wait, what’s happening to me?”

 

Mutran’s body, as it turned out, simply could not handle the awesomeness of Likus and Tera’s air guitar moves. It was starting to disintegrate, starting from his feet and making its way up his body to his head.

 

“No!” said Mutran, stumbling backwards onto the ground in a failed attempt to run away. “This . . . is . . . impossible! Noooo! I . . . cannot . . . die . . .”

 

Mutran looked at Likus and Tera, who were still playing their air guitars, and got a devious idea.

 

“If I’m going down, I’m taking you two with me!” Mutran yelled as he somehow propelled his nearly-disintegrated body through the air at them.

 

However, Mutran failed to realize that Likus and Tera were protected from all attacks by the Zone, a magical green barrier that can only be accessed when one truly becomes the music. When Mutran collided with the Zone, he had time enough only for one last, prolonged, melodramatic scream before his body was split into trillions of atoms across the entire multiverse.

 

Likus and Tera immediately stopped playing when they saw that Mutran was no more.

 

“Well,” said Likus as he picked up his bag, which had the golden pommel in it. “That was easy.”

 

“Easy scares me,” Tera replied. “What do we do now?”

 

“Go to Atero, of course,” said Likus. “Remember, Mata Nui needs the golden armor if he’s going to defeat Teridax.”

“The golden armor scares me,” Tera said.

 

“Everything scares you, Tera,” said Likus, slapping his friend on the shoulder. “Now let’s get going before something stupid happens.”

 

“Stupid things scare me,” Tera said as he and Likus began walking out of the center of the Maze. “Smart things scare me, too.”

 

-

 

Takanuva fired sixty shots at Chirox, but the Makuta merely deflected them with his wings. Chirox then unleashed a sonic blast that sent Takanuva flying through the air.

 

Gresh took advantage of Chirox’s distraction to attack. He leapt through the air and slashed Chirox’s shoulder as he passed. This normally would have caused Chirox to bleed (or leak gas or whatever), but to Gresh’s surprise, there was nothing but wires underneath Chirox’s armor.

 

“What the he-“ said Gresh, before Chirox grabbed him by the throat and held him up high

“I see you’ve discovered my little secret,” said Chirox. “Yes, I am a robot. The original Chirox died long ago, and I, his robot clone he designed just before he died, have been pretending to be him ever since.”

 

Gresh looked down at Chirox in disbelief, as though asking, Really, although due to the fact that Robo-Chirox had an iron grip on Gresh’s throat, the Glatorian was unable to vocally articulate that question.

 

“Don’t you remember how I survived when my arm was ripped off earlier?” said Chirox. “It was all because I’m a robot. Doesn’t it make sense now?”

 

Again, Gresh could still not talk, but as it turned out, he didn’t need to. A huge table came out of nowhere and slammed into Robo-Chirox, causing him to drop Gresh. Gresh hit the ground in a roll and was back on his feet instantly.

 

Glancing around, Gresh saw Takanuva running over.

 

“Takanuva, did you throw that table at Chirox?” said Gresh.

 

Takanuva nodded. “Yeah, man. He had it coming, dude.”

 

The table imploded and Robo-Chirox rose from the wreckage. Half of his face was missing, revealing part of his metal skull, Terminator-style. His body was also quite scratched up and wrecked, which I suppose is what happens when you blow up a table that you are underneath.

 

“He’s still alive, man,” said Takanuva, taking a step back.

 

“Don’t worry, Takanuva!” said Gresh cheerfully. “I’m sure we’ll be able to defeat him. We’re the good guys, after all.”

 

Gresh’s little speech would have been heartwarming had Robo-Chirox not been so freaking fast. He dashed forward and punched both Gresh and Takanuva, sending the two heroes flying across the room.

 

Then Robo-Chirox jumped into the air and brought both of his fists down on Gresh and Takanuva, smashing them into the ground of the laboratory with the force of a meteorite.

 

As Gresh and Takanuva lay there, Robo-Chirox fell down on them hard, pinning them to the floor with its clawed, mechanical feet.

 

“Looks like I win, heroes,” Robo-Chirox sneered. “Perhaps the good guys don’t always-“

 

Without warning, Robo-Chirox’s head went flying off its body and, upon hitting the ground, imploded. This was shortly followed by Robo-Chirox’s body, which fell backwards and then also imploded because the author likes implosions.

 

“Holy Deus ex Machina!” said Gresh. “Who saved us?”

 

A blue Skakdi appeared above them and held out a helping hand. “I did.”

 

“Nektann?” said Gresh. “How-?”

 

“I sliced his head off with this,” said Nektann, holding up his crescent blade. “I . . . I couldn’t stand his insensitivity any longer.”

 

Gresh and Takanuva got back to their feet, apparently no worse for the wear.

 

“Man, you’re awesome, Nektann,” said Gresh, slapping the Skakdi on the shoulder. “I thought, at first, that you were just a mindlessly evil monster like most of the villains in this trilogy. But maybe you’re not such a bad guy after all.”

 

“Thanks, Gresh,” said Nektann, who was obviously trying very hard not to cry.

 

“Um, dudes?” said Takanuva, looking around. “We gotta get back to Atero, right?”

 

“Oh, yeah,” said Gresh, clapping his hands together. “I almost totally forgot. But how are we going to get there in time? We’re thousands of miles away and I don’t see a plot hole we could take advantage of to get there quickly!”

 

Nektann raised his hand and a dimensional portal appeared out of nowhere. “Use this. It should get you there right quick.”

 

“Since when could you create dimensional portals?” said Gresh in surprise.

 

“Dunno,” Nektann said with a shrug. “Just could.”

 

“Well, we ought to get going, then,” said Gresh. “But Nektann, don’t you want to come with us?”

 

Nektann shook his head. “No. Teridax is going to be angry at me for failing. I’m not going back to him. I’m going to go out on my own and fulfill my dreams.”

 

“And what are your dreams, man?” said Takanuva.

 

“I am going to open a slaughterhouse,” said Nektann, smiling grandly. “There are so many suffering animals in the world. I think they just need to be put out of their misery.”

 

Gresh and Takanuva exchanged looks, like they were saying, This guy’s coo coo for Coco Puffs.

 

“Let’s go, Takanuva,” said Gresh. “Bye, Nektann. Good luck with your, um, slaughterhouse.”

 

“Yeah, see you later dude,” said Takanuva, waving at the Skakdi as he and Gresh disappeared through the dimensional portal.

 

Once they were gone, Nektann looked around the factory room, stroking his chin.

 

“You know . . .” he said aloud to nobody in particular. “With a few minor adjustments, this could make a pretty good slaughterhouse . . .”

 

 

*This chapter was written before December 21st, 2012.

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 21: The Beginning of the End (of the Beginning of the End)

 

“Let me in,” said Mata Nui.

 

“No tickets, no entry.” The ticket master shook his head. “Sorry, bub. That’s how it works.”

 

“But this is important!” said Mata Nui. “I am the protagonist going to begin the epic confrontation with the antagonist! Do you want to disappoint all of the readers who’ve been looking forward to this confrontation since the first chapter?”

 

The ticket master shook his head. “Yeah, that’s what the last guy said. You can only enter the Coliseum if you have tickets for the game. No tickets, no entry.”

 

Mata Nui swore loudly, but that didn’t make the ticket master take back what he’d said.

 

So Mata Nui stomped away over to a nearby bench, where Berix and Bucket-head were sitting. Berix was eating cotton candy, which he’d been given at the concession stands set up outside the Coliseum, while Bucket-head held a rock in his hand, which the concession stand owner had ‘generously’ given him instead of a free snack.

 

“No luck?” said Bucket-head, looking up at Mata Nui.

“Yeah,” said Mata Nui, kicking a trash can in frustration. “He said no tickets, no entry, and we ain’t got no tickets.”

 

“Then what are we going to do?” said Bucket-head. “If Teridax really is in there, like that Rahkshi said-“

 

“You mean like my infallible sense of direction said,” Mata Nui corrected.

 

Bucket-head rolled his eyes. “Whatever. The point is, we can’t confront Teridax unless we can get in there.”

 

“I knew that already,” said Mata Nui, pouting and folding his arms. “I’m not a little kid, you know.”

 

“Perhaps we should just wait until the game is over,” said Bucket-head, looking over at the Coliseum. “I mean, Teridax will have to come out sometime, right?”

 

“We can’t wait,” said Mata Nui. “I mean, how epic would it be if we had to wait for the whole game to end before we could fight the main villain? People would complain and the author might throw in another ninja subplot if he thinks it would make people shut up.”

 

“Sounds like you need some help, Mata Nui,” said an old, cranky-sounding voice.

 

Mata Nui, Bucket-head, and Berix looked and saw Ackar and Kiina walking down the street toward them. It almost seemed as though the two had just appeared out of nowhere, although Mata Nui easily accepted it due to all of the other strange happenings in this comedy.

 

“Ackar, Kiina!” said Mata Nui. “How’d you find us?”

 

“Death teleported us here,” said Kiina as she and Ackar stopped once they’d reached them. “We tricked him. Again.”

 

“Death?” said Bucket-head in alarm, looking up at Kiina and Ackar. “What do you mean by-“

 

“Did you get the golden armor piece?” said Mata Nui.

 

Kiina looked slightly annoyed, but nodded just the same. “Yes, we did. Are you even going to ask me how I’m doing?”

 

“First, golden armor piece,” said Mata Nui, holding out both hands.

 

Kiina sighed and pulled the golden armor piece out of her purse, which Mata Nui immediately took. He then stuffed it into his own bag because everyone in this comedy has a bag.

 

“Okay,” said Mata Nui, looking back up at Kiina. “How are you doing . . . Ackar?”

 

Mata Nui had turned his attention to Ackar, causing the old man to say, “Eh, I’m doing all right. Haven’t had my prunes in a while, though. It’s making me cranky.”

 

“Sometimes, I wonder why I’m even with this moron,” Kiina sighed.

 

“So why don’t you just leave him?” said Bucket-head, who had heard Kiina.

 

Kiina punched Bucket-head in the face. “Because shut up, Bucket-head. Got it?”

 

“Yes, ma’am,” said Bucket-head, keeping his head down.

 

“So what’s the problem, Mata Nui?” said Ackar. “Why are you guys hanging outside the Coliseum? Are you trying to sell fake tickets again?”

“Nope,” said Mata Nui, shaking his head. “We’re actually trying to get inside the Coliseum. Unfortunately, Mr. Mc‘No-Tickets-No-Entry’ McInsurmountable Plot Problem there is not letting us in.”

 

Mata Nui gestured sharply over his shoulder at the ticket master, who was reading a comic book to avoid sheer boredom.

 

“Let me try to convince him,” said Kiina.

 

“Of course,” said Mata Nui, watching Kiina as she approached the ticket master. “Why didn’t I think of it before? Kiina will use her feminine charms to-“

 

Mata Nui was interrupted by the screams of the ticket master as he went flying over their heads. The ticket master smashed into the foundations of a nearby building, causing it to collapse on top of him. That building was conveniently scheduled for demolition anyway, so there was no one in it.

 

The others looked back over at Kiina, who was waving madly at them to follow her. Mata Nui and the other three guys immediately ran over to where Kiina stood.

 

“That was amazing, Kiina,” said Mata Nui. “You did a good job convincing him of letting us in for free.”

 

“Aw, it was nothing,” said Kiina, although she was obviously pleased by Mata Nui’s praise. “I asked him to let me in and he said no. Then I grabbed him and threw him away. Really, I’m sure any of us except for Bucket-head could have done it.”

 

“Is there any particular reason I couldn’t have done it or do you just hate me?” said Bucket-head.

 

“No,” Kiina said. “And stop talking. Your voice is grating on my ears, sheesh.”

 

“There will be time to mock Bucket-head’s irritating voice later,” said Mata Nui. “We gotta go in and stop Teridax before it’s too late!”

 

So the five heroes ran into the Coliseum with their weapons at the ready. Mata Nui felt a rising determination in his heart, which meant that the final confrontation was nearly underway.

 

-

 

Tahu and Oris walked away from what appeared to be a plane crash just outside Atero’s city limits. Tahu looked completely unconcerned, while Oris appeared rather nervous.

 

“Did you have to crash the plane?” Oris asked as he followed Tahu away from the wreckage. “The flight attendant was such a cutie. You could have at least let me warn her before you crashed it.”

 

“We needed to get to Atero quickly,” Tahu answered. “And once Atero came into view, I didn’t see any point in flying any further. Besides, I thought you’re too conceited to care for the wellbeing of other people.”’

 

“I suppose you have a point,” said Oris, glancing over his shoulder at the crash. “Still, you do realize this is probably going to get us both branded terrorists, right?”

 

Tahu looked at Oris in amazement. “Wait, you mean you haven’t been called a terrorist yet?”

 

“And you mean that you have been branded a terrorist?” said Oris in shock.

 

Before the two of them could say anything else, a dimensional portal exploded into existence nearby. At first Tahu thought it might be the alien people from the third dimension, but it turned out to just be Gresh and Takanuva, who tumbled out of the portal like they’d rolled through it.

 

“Whee!” said Gresh, shaking his head as he got back up. “That was fun, wasn’t it, Takanuva?”

 

“I dunno, man,” said Takanuva, who sat on the ground, looking a little dizzy. “I mean . . . I dunno, man.”

 

“Hey, where’d you two come from?” Tahu asked.

 

“Oh, hey Tahu, Oris!” said Gresh, waving at them excitedly. “We got the golden armor piece we were supposed to get! Did you two get what you were looking for?”

 

“Yep,” said Tahu as he jammed his hand into his bag. “It’s right . . . hey, where’d it go?”

 

Tahu looked around and saw that Oris held the golden shield. Oris was staring at his reflection like he just couldn’t get enough of it, but when he noticed Tahu glaring at him, Oris said, “What? I’m just checking out my hair.”

 

Tahu snatched the golden shield out of Oris’s hands and said, “You don’t have hair.”

 

“I can pretend that I do, though,” said Oris as he ran his fingers through his imaginary hair. “What’s so wrong with that?”

 

Ignoring Oris, Tahu showed the golden shield to Gresh. “We had to fight a bear entity to get ours.”

 

“And we had to two giant ninja scientist brothers and a Makuta to get ours,” said Gresh. “Sounds like you guys got it pretty easy compared to us, but hakuna matata, you know?”

 

Tahu blinked. “Did you just quote The Lion King?”

 

Before Gresh could answer, a box fell out of the sky and landed a few feet away from the gang. Everyone turned to look at the box, which was making sounds like there were living things inside it.

 

Without warning, the box burst open and Tera and Likus popped out. They both looked as though they’d been sleeping rather uncomfortably.

 

Likus yawned and said, “Say, Tera, where do you think we are?”

 

“Um.” Tera looked around and spotted Atero not far away. “I think we’re at Atero. Atero scares me.”

 

“Hey, what were you guys doing inside a box?” said Gresh.

 

“It involves a kidnapping, two chocolate hot dogs, and the worst Romeo and Juliet performance ever,” Likus replied. “Anyway, we got our golden armor piece.”

 

“Good,” said Tahu. “It looks like we’ve all succeeded. Now we just need to go to Atero and find Mata Nui and give him the golden armor pieces.”

 

“Do you think Kiina and Ackar have returned from their mission yet?” said Oris as the party of six started walking toward Atero.

 

“Probably,” said Tahu. “Why?”

 

“Oh, no reason,” said Oris with a shrug. “I just thought Kiina was missing me, you know.”

 

“Why would Kiina miss you, man?” said Takanuva, looking at Oris curiously. “She likes Mata Nui.”

 

“Hey,” said Oris indignantly. “I was not implying that I liked her or that she liked me. I was merely saying that we are good friends and that we have never been apart for as long as this.”

 

“That’s odd,” said Gresh, skipping along. “Kiina told me she never talks to you and doesn’t respond to your letters, emails, or Facebook friend requests. I didn’t know you two were actually close.”

 

“What?” said Oris. “No! My life has no meaning now!”

 

Tahu slapped Oris in the face. “Get a hold of yourself. You’re acting like an even bigger wimp than usual.”

 

“Yeah, lighten up, Oris,” said Gresh, glancing over his shoulder. “I’m sure someday you’ll find someone as vain and petty as you are. Then you’ll both live happily ever after, like at the end of those fairy tales were the evil stepmother dies a horrible death.”

 

“Thanks, Gresh,” said Oris absently. Then he thought about it and said, “Wait, what did you just call me?”

 

“Kiina scares me,” Tera said. “I try to avoid her.”

 

“Me, too,” said Likus, nodding. “Not that I hate her or anything, but Mata Nui is just so jealous, you know? Like, Kiina told me once that she answered the phone and got a recorded message, but Mata Nui took the phone and told the recorded message off for trying to hit on Kiina.”

 

“As if I didn’t know that!” said Tahu with a laugh. “Kiina also told me that one time she and Mata Nui went out to the movies. When James Bond appeared on screen, why, Mata Nui tore the whole theater to the ground and killed everyone there. He’s so jealous.”

 

“How come Kiina has apparently talked to everyone here but me?” said Oris.

 

“That’s because Kiina doesn’t like you, dude,” said Takanuva. “Sorry to burst your bubble, man.”

 

Oris immediately collapsed into a fetal position, rocking back and forth as he muttered, “Life has no meaning . . . my hair has no meaning . . . why me . . .”

 

With a sigh, Tahu lifted up Oris and slung him over his shoulder. The Glatorian kept muttering about the meaninglessness of life all the way to Atero, much to the amusement of me, the Narrator.

 

What? Can’t I have a little fun, too?

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 22: This time, it’s Personal

 

Makuta Teridax sat in his box in the Coliseum, watching the American football game below. It was the Aqua Magnan Surfers versus the Bara Magnan Rocks and thus far the Surfers were winning 6000 to one. This was primarily because Teridax had paid off the Rocks to throw the game so Teridax could win the bet he’d made with the Rocks’ coach, but the Rocks were a sucky team anyway.

 

Teridax glanced down at the golden mask that sat in the seat next to him. He knew, through his own mysterious ways, that this was the last piece Mata Nui’s friends needed to complete the golden armor. Of course, that didn’t mean Teridax was simply going to give them the mask.

 

In order for my plan to succeed, I will need all six golden armor pieces, Teridax thought. And then, Mata Nui, we shall see just who is sexy and just who knows it.

 

Just as Teridax was beginning to ponder whether he should go get a refill for his drink, the door to his box burst open. Teridax glanced over his shoulder as five beings dashed into the room. He instantly recognized them as Mata Nui and four of his friends; Ackar, Kiina, Berix, and Bucket-head.

 

“Why, Mata Nui,” said Teridax, turning around in his swivel chair. “I see you escaped the Pit.”

 

“Darn right I did,” said Mata Nui, punching his fist into his other hand. “And now I am going to kick your butt so hard it will cease to exist exist.”

 

Teridax looked at Mata Nui and pals and said, “And just how did you get pass my Rahkshi bodyguards? I had at least ten thousand stationed throughout the entire stadium.”

 

“You should know by now, Teridax,” said Mata Nui, “the more enemies we have to fight, the better our odds are.”

 

“We brutally murdered them all,” Berix added. “It was fun.”

 

Teridax stroked his chin. “And I suppose you want this?”

 

He gestured at the golden mask in the seat next to him.

 

“Yes,” said Mata Nui. “Either give it to me or I will rip it from your cold, dead hands.”

 

“I don’t think you will be doing either, I’m afraid,” said Teridax, shaking his head. “I am actually not at all surprised that you and your friends killed my fellow Makuta. In fact, I planned it.”

 

“What?” said Mata Nui. “Nuh uh! You’re lying!”

 

“Not at all, Mata Nui,” said Teridax. “I always despised them, whether it was Bitil’s complete absentmindedness or Krika’s unnecessarily cynical attitude or Icarax and Gorast’s inability to speak normally. Quite frankly I am glad to be rid of them.”

 

“That doesn’t make any sense,” said Ackar, scratching the back of his head. “I mean, I can understand sending someone, like, say, Bucket-head to be killed, but your whole team?”

 

“Hey, what do you mean by singling me out like that?” said Bucket-head, glaring at Ackar.

 

“It means you’re stupid and no one cares about you, Bucket-head,” Kiina snapped. “Now shut up. We’re trying to have a dramatic confrontation with the main villain and you keep messing it up.”

 

Bucket-head grumbled something about how he thought they were stupid, but otherwise kept quiet as Teridax stood up.

 

“You see, this was all part of my plan,” said Teridax as he walked around to the windows, looking down upon the football field below. “I knew that, by virtue of your status as main characters, it was impossible for my men to defeat you in battle. Had I been serious about eliminating you all, I would have gone after the golden armor pieces myself.”

 

“Ridiculous,” said Mata Nui, shaking his head. “You’re bluffing.”

 

“I am not.” Teridax put one hand on the window. “I allowed you to get the golden armor pieces so I wouldn’t have to. I knew you and your friends would come directly to me, in order to use the golden armor pieces to defeat me once and for all.”

 

“Well, it looks like you were wrong about that,” said Mata Nui, looking around. “Tahu, Oris, Tera, Likus, Gresh, and Takanuva aren’t here. So obviously-“

 

“I wouldn’t speak so soon, Mata Nui,” said Teridax as he lifted up the golden mask.

 

The golden mask suddenly glowed and the next moment six beings appeared in the room. It was Tahu, Oris, Tera, Likus, Gresh, and Takanuva, all of whom looked equally surprised to be there. Except for Oris, who was curled up in a fetal position and was being carried by Tahu for some reason.

 

“What?” said Tahu, looking around. “How the Karzahni did we end up here?”

 

“Hey, Mata Nui!” said Gresh, waving at the others. “We got the golden armor pieces, just like you told us to.”

 

“How did you bring them here?” said Mata Nui to Teridax. “Are you a genie?”

 

“Unfortunately, no,” said Teridax, shaking his head as he turned around. “It’s the golden mask’s doing. You see, with a simple application of the mask’s power I can teleport all golden armor pieces to wherever the golden mask itself is, plus anyone who happens to be in physical contact with or near the pieces at the time.”

 

“If that’s the case,” said Bucket-head, “why didn’t you just use the golden mask to get all of the pieces instead of waiting for us to gather them for you?”

 

“How rude,” Teridax said, looking offended. “Mata Nui, you must really teach your Skrall basic manners. I know you’re not much higher than a caveman yourself, but really, I’ve met dogs with better manners than this Skrall.”

 

“Hey, he’s not my Skrall anymore,” said Mata Nui, holding up his hands. “He’s Tera and Likus’s problem now.”

“We’ve been trying to train him for a while now,” said Likus, looking at Bucket-head in disappointment. “He’s just too willful. That’s why we had to put him in the pound. We simply couldn’t keep him.”

 

“Yeah, I’m a bad dog, ain’t I?” said Bucket-head, not even bothering to hide his anger. “I managed to escape after the vet decided he was going to ‘fix’ me. I was going to come back and kill you both in your sleep, but then this comedy happened and I couldn’t do it.”

 

“Such willfulness,” said Teridax. “At least my Skrall don’t talk back to me.”

 

“Wait a minute,” said Mata Nui, before Bucket-head could kill everyone in the room. “Your Skrall? What are you talking about?”

 

Teridax smiled. “Allow me to show you exactly what I mean.”

 

Teridax waved his hand and, due to the magic of motion sensor technology, a flat screen TV descended from the ceiling. It then turned on, revealing what looked like trillions of Skrall, Rahkshi, and Skakdi working together on what appeared to be a gigantic metal structure. There were even some baterra, the former minions of Dah Element Lords, keeping disobedient minions in line and overseeing the project.

 

“By Michael Dorn’s name,” said Mata Nui. “What is that?”

“That is the reason I wanted the golden armor in the first place,” said Teridax, gesturing at the big screen. “Unlike other villains, I actually have a real goal to achieve other than ‘destroy Mata Nui and friends,’ although that, too, is a goal of mine.”

 

“What is it?” said Likus. “What are they building?”

 

“Let’s find out,” said Teridax as he waved his hand again.

 

The camera zoomed out a million times, revealing that Teridax’s minions were working on what appeared to be a giant, plant-sized robot in the middle of outer space. It was monstrous, bigger than anything Mata Nui or his friends had ever seen before. It looked like it could house a whole universe inside it; in fact, Mata Nui suspected that that was powering it

 

“I am building a planet-sized robot body that I will use to conquer the entire universe,” said Teridax with a grin. “Unfortunately, I have not been able to find a power source sufficient to power it. Luckily for me, though, the golden armor happens to contain just enough energy to sustain the robot.”

 

“Wait a minute, dudes,” said Takanuva. “I just remembered. Gresh and I found plans for the giant robot in the ruins of the ninja factory, man!”

 

“And you failed to mention this sooner, why?” said Bucket-head.

 

“I dunno, man,” said Takanuva with a shrug. “I mean . . . I dunno, man.”

 

Teridax laughed and snapped his fingers. This caused all of the golden armor pieces to fly out of our heroes’ bags and float around Teridax, like weird golden planets. Then they disappeared, leaving Teridax standing alone in triumph.

 

“What did you do with the golden armor?” Mata Nui demanded.

 

“Sent it to the robot, of course,” said Teridax. “My servants will install the golden armor into the robot. Then I will pilot it and the universe will be mine.”

 

“Not unless we stop you here and now,” said Mata Nui. “You can’t defeat all eleven of us.”

 

Teridax laughed. “And how do you plan to fight me, Mata Nui? You do not have your gun. I stole it and put it in a secret place that you would never think to look.”

 

“A secret place I would never think to look . . .” Mata Nui repeated thoughtfully. Then he snapped his fingers and said, “Oh, I get it.”

 

Mata Nui reached behind his back and felt the 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle duct-taped to his back. With a supreme effort, Mata Nui ripped it off his back and held the gun up triumphantly.

 

“How did none of us notice the 40k MGA attached to Mata Nui’s back before?” said Bucket-head, staring at the gun. “Seriously, it was right there. And how the heck did Teridax put it on his back without him noticing, anyway?”

 

Ignoring Bucket-head’s idiotic concerns, Teridax said, “I see you figured it out. Perhaps you’re not quite as dumb as you appear, Mata Nui. But you and your friends still cannot defeat me, for I am nothing.”

 

“Then it will take nothing to defeat you!” said Mata Nui. “Now, my friends, let us charge into battle to defeat Teridax once and for all!”

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 23: Blue forty-two, HIKE!

 

Aqua Magnan Surfer Kirbraz caught the pigskin and started running down the field. He evaded one of the larger Rocks that tried to tackle him and expertly ducked, thus successfully avoiding a flying kick from another member of the opposing team.

 

Kirbraz’s eyes were set firmly on the goalposts at the end of the field. All his life, Kirbraz had been looking forward to this moment when he would score a touchdown for his team. He would become a VIP and go down in the football Hall of Fame as the greatest Aqua Magnan Surfer the planet had ever seen.

 

More importantly, however, Kirbraz would finally fulfill his childhood dream. Back when he’d been a child, Kirbraz had watched every football game he and his parents could go to. When he had been in school, Kirbraz had joined the football team every year, no matter how terrible he was. He worked harder than any of his fellow students and went on to play football in college.

 

As a result, Kirbraz was chosen to join the Aqua Magnan Surfers during the draft, which had been his favorite team when he’d been a child. The Surfers defeated every team that they went up against in the league and now they were in the finals of the Spherus Magnan World Cup. Kirbraz knew that his life would someday be made into an inspirational movie, proving that anyone, no matter how stupid or luckless in life, could become a football star like him if they believed in themselves.

 

The sound of glass shattering caused Kirbraz to glance up in time to see a dark-armored titan come flying toward him. The titan crashed on Kirbraz, creating a mini shockwave that sent the rest of the football players flying into the stands.

 

Then, from the box above, eleven beings jumped out and landed on the field without a hitch. Except for Bucket-head, who landed on his face because I hate him.

 

With good reason, the people in the stands screamed at the sight of Mata Nui and friends and began stampeding out of the Coliseum. Many people were trampled to death that day, but as they are not the main characters it doesn’t matter.

 

The dark titan, who was Teridax, sat up as Mata Nui and friends assumed fighting positions.

 

“How’d you like them apples, Teridax?” said Mata Nui, cocking his gun. “Got more where that came from.”

 

“I admit that I didn’t expect all of you to attack at once like that,” said Teridax as he slowly stood up. “But as you can see, you didn’t even dent my armor.”

 

Teridax gestured at his body, which shined momentarily to show off just how nice it was.

 

Then Teridax felt along his back and peeled off something blue from his behind. He looked at it and said, “Disgusting,” before throwing it away.

 

“Your armor may be tough, but we’re tougher,” said Mata Nui. “You can’t defeat us, for we have the power of friendship on our side!”

 

“The power of friendship is highly overrated,” Teridax replied, holding up one hand. “Allow me to show you true power.”

 

An explosion of darkness momentarily obscured Teridax’s hand. When it dissipated, Teridax was holding a rifle that looked suspiciously like Mata Nui’s 40k MGA.

 

“Allow me to introduce you to my weapon,” said Teridax to the startled heroes. “This is the 400k Ultra-mega Grandpa Machine Rifle, or the 400k UGMR for short.”

 

“Copycat!” said Mata Nui, pointing at Teridax. “That’s plagiarism, that is!”

 

“On the contrary, Mata Nui, it is simply parody,” Teridax replied. “Watch and be amazed at its power.”

 

Teridax spun the gun in his hand and fired at the stands. The resulting explosion completely tore away at the stadium itself, leaving a gaping hole in the wall, revealing the night sky . . . and a giant, planet-sized robot floating above the city in space.

 

“When did that get there?” said Bucket-head, looking up at the robot. “And how come we’re apparently the only ones who see it?”

 

“It appears my minions have moved the robot closer to Spherus Magna so I may more easily access it,” said Teridax. “That must mean that they have almost hooked up the golden armor to the power supply.”

 

“Well, we’re going to kick your butt before you even think about taking control of that thing,” said Mata Nui. “Everyone, show this son of a gun no mercy!”

 

The entire group charged at Teridax, screaming and yelling and singing funny songs on their way to take him down. It would have been a truly epic sight had Berix not been wearing Mickey Mouse ears (why he was, I cannot say, except perhaps that he thinks he is a Mouseketeer).

 

The first to reach Teridax were Tahu and Oris. With his fists literally on fire, Tahu punched Teridax in the face so hard that he literally melted part of Teridax’s mask. The blow sent Teridax staggering backwards, but he had no time to recover from it, for Oris jumped on the Makuta and stabbed several arrows in the gaps in Teridax’s armor. The archer then jumped off and detonated the arrows (which apparently were actually explosives), which blew off parts of Teridax’s armor and hurt him badly.

 

This was followed up by Bucket-head and Berix. Bucket-head leapt into the air and slammed the butt of his rifle into Teridax’s face. And Berix jumped into the air and kicked Teridax in the face several times as he said, “THIS . . . IS . . . SPARTA!”

 

Up next were Ackar and Kiina. Ackar charged pure hot flame through his sword and slashed at Teridax’s chest, leaving a deep gash that caused Teridax to cry out in pain. Kiina then unleashed a wave of ice cold water on Teridax, which sent the Makuta tumbling backwards down the field before he righted himself, although he was now dizzy and woozy from Kiina’s vicious wave.

 

They were followed by Tera and Likus, who through their combined air guitar powers unleashed a sonic boom that would have incinerated an ordinary mortal. Then Likus slammed his baseball bat in Teridax’s face, and Tera, using his sawed off shotgun, shot Teridax in the chest not once, not twice, nay, nor three times, but four hundred times, which would have filled anyone with bullets.

 

Gresh and Takanuva struck next. Gresh activated his super speed abilities and, moving faster than the speed of light, hit Teridax a thousand times, while Takanuva whaled on Teridax with his shotguns.

 

In fact, Gresh was going so fast that he actually created a mini-tornado. With one final punch, Gresh sent Teridax flying into the air and cried out, “He’s yours, Mata Nui!”

 

Without hesitation, Mata Nui jumped into the air. He did a front-flip and landed on Teridax’s chest even as the Makuta went soaring out of the stadium and into the sky.

 

With a roar like that of a lion, Mata Nui slammed the barrel of the 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle into Teridax’s face.

 

“Eat lead for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the rest of eternity, Teridax!” Mata Nui yelled at the top of his lungs.

 

He pulled the trigger, which unleashed a bullet so powerful that it sent Teridax flying back down so fast that he was a blur. Teridax smashed into the ground and straight into the earth’s core, where he was completely destroyed. The resulting explosion sent a column of lava flying to the planet’s surface that probably would have destroyed all life on Spherus Magna had Mata Nui not kicked it back into the planet’s core and covered the hole with duct tape, thus safely averting an environmental disaster.

 

Mata Nui floated back to the ground and when he landed, the others gathered around him to celebrate.

 

“You did it, Mata Nui!” said Kiina, hugging him. “Teridax is finally dead!”

 

“Well, I know I’m pretty awesome,” said Mata Nui, blushing, before Kiina slapped him in the face. “Ow! What was that for?”

 

“For not understanding the concept of humility,” Kiina replied.

 

“So it’s over, then?” said Ackar, looking at the crater Teridax had made. “He’s dead?”

 

“Of course he is,” said Bucket-head. “Being blasted into the planet’s core . . . no one could have survived that.”

 

“Then what do we do about the-“ said Tahu, glancing up at the sky. “Holy twist in my pants! Look at the sky!”

 

Everyone looked up to see what Tahu was talking about. At first, they saw nothing except the stars, the moon, and the giant planet-sized Makuta robot . . . but then they noticed that the robot was staring down at them. It blinked.

 

“No way,” said Oris in a whisper. “How can the robot be operational? Isn’t Teridax supposed to control it?”

 

The robot opened its mouth to speak, which was so loud that it caused the earth to quake, the sky to tremble, and the mountains to fall. It was only through sheer effort that our heroes managed to stay on their feet, for otherwise they would have been tossed to the ground like rag dolls.

 

“I do control the robot, Oris,” said the robot, in Teridax’s voice. “The plan went perfectly. Now the entire cosmos shall be mine to rule forever more!”

 

“No way!” said Mata Nui, his hands balled into fists. “I killed you . . . again! There’s no way you can be in control of the robot!”

 

“Oh, but I am, Mata Nui,” Teridax sneered. “You see, I anticipated that my physical body might be slain in a head-to-head battle with you and your friends. So I put a part of my soul in the robotic brain of the robot, thus ensuring that I would control it regardless if I won or lost. And, as my minions have successfully installed the golden armor, pure energy flows through my body. Nothing in the universe can stop me now!”

 

Teridax raise one robotic arm and began reaching toward Mata Nui and friends with the hand the size of a continent.

 

“And my first act as king of the universe is to destroy you all from existence,” said Teridax. “And there is nothing you can do to stop me.”

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 24: Deus ex Machina to the Rescue!
 

The situation was completely hopeless now. There was no way Mata Nui and the others could outrun Teridax’s giant fingers. Even if they could, where would they go? Teridax could destroy the whole planet if he felt like it. That meant the only thing they could do was wait until Teridax’s gigantic fingers closed around them and crushed them to death.

 

It was this moment that inspired Kiina to write emo poetry. Seeing as they were about to die, she didn’t see how it could hurt. Besides, Ackar and Mata Nui already got their turns in the last two comedies, so Kiina thought she should get a chance, too.

 

So, pulling a pad of paper and a pencil out of nowhere, Kiina began writing emo poetry:

 

There are so many things

That I wanted to do

Before I died.

Yet now

I won’t get to do them

Because a giant robot

Is about to crush me

In its giant hand.

Everything is pointless

Especially this poetry

Which is so pointless

That I can barely describe

How pointless it is.

 

The poetry didn’t satisfy Kiina, however, causing her to realize why Ackar and Mata Nui had given up on it. So she crushed the paper to dust in her hand and looked up with the others at Teridax’s hand, which was coming closer and closer every second.

 

Without warning, another, equally large hand appeared out of nowhere and grabbed Teridax’s arm. Surprised, Teridax looked to the right and was punched in the face by another gigantic fist, sending the Makuta stumbling away from Spherus Magna due to the sheer force of the attack. Teridax fell on his back, most likely crushing several nearby planets into space dust, but they were probably not inhabited (probably).

 

In shock, Bucket-head said, “What . . . who . . .”

 

Ackar looked up and, pointing up, gasped, “It’s . . . I can’t believe it . . . it’s Super Planet!”

 

Our heroes turned as one to look up at the giant, planet-sized entity. He looked down upon them with the loving gaze of a deity and when he spoke, it destroyed several cities and a few nearby planets (again, uninhabited).

 

“Yes, Ackar, my father, I have returned,” said Super Planet. “My mission to defend the universe from the forces of evil has compelled me to return to Spherus Magna. When I learned of Teridax’s plan, I came as quickly as I could.”

 

Bucket-head looked at Ackar in disbelief. “Father?”

 

“It’s a long story,” Ackar said. “Let’s just say I’m not his father in the biological sense and leave it at that.”

 

“So you are going to help us, Super Planet?” said Mata Nui, looking into the face of the entity. “Are you going to defeat Teridax?”

 

“Not on my own,” Super Planet replied. “For I believe I will need an ally equally as powerful as I in order to defeat Teridax. Behold!”

 

Super Planet stepped to the side, revealing another planet-sized robot right behind him. The planet-sized robot resembled Teridax’s to some extent, but was thinner and smaller, as well as having a different head. It looked slightly junky, too, as if it had been thrown together from various pieces of scrap metal, rather than carefully constructed out of new materials.

“To effectively combat Teridax, I knew I would need an ally,” said Super Planet. “Therefore, from the Junkyard of the Gods, I constructed a giant robot of epic proportions.”

 

A beam of energy shot from the second robot’s eyes and hit the ground before Mata Nui and friends. When it was gone, it revealed a teenage boy wearing what looked like really dumb, highly-detailed, extremely generic sci-fi soldier armor. It was Billy, Super Planet’s apprentice.

 

“Mata Nui,” said Billy. “You must pilot the giant robot and use it to fight Teridax alongside Super Planet.”

 

“Me?” said Mata Nui. “Well, sure, why not? I’m probably the only one here qualified to pilot it anyway.”

“Are you sure it would be wise to let Mata Nui pilot a planet-sized robot?” Bucket-head asked Billy.

 

“Of course,” said Billy, looking at Bucket-head in disgust. “Then again, you’re a dumb Skrall. Of course you’d doubt Mata Nui’s greatness.”

 

Bucket-head didn’t even bother reply to that. He did contemplate throwing his sword into Billy’s face, but before he could do that, Mata Nui stepped forward.

 

“All right,” said Mata Nui. “I will pilot the robot. I will meet my destiny.”

 

Then Mata Nui turned around and faced the others.

 

“Bye, guys,” said Mata Nui, waving at them. “I’m going to be kicking some butt, so don’t you worry about me.”

 

“You can do it, Mata Nui,” said Kiina. “I believe in you.”

“Yeah, Mata Nui,” said Ackar, giving Mata Nui the thumbs up. “I can’t think of anyone more qualified to pilot a planet-sized, possibly godlike giant robot than you.”

 

“You go, Mata Nui!” said Berix, hopping up and down. “By the way, I almost forgot I existed! Isn’t that funny?”

 

“You’re the greatest hero who has ever lived, Mata Nui,” said Gresh, pumping his fist. “You can kick Teridax’s butt straight to the next dimension . . . and beyond!”

 

“Yes, you go, Mata Nui,” said Oris. “By the way, Mata Nui, if you die . . .”

 

“Yes,” said Mata Nui, nodding. “You may have my complete DVD collection of the ALF series. I’ve already written your name into the will.”

“That’s not what I was going to ask for,” Oris grumbled.

 

“Mata Nui, if necessary, Tera and I will use our mad air guitar skillz to encourage you,” said Likus. “Right, Tera?”

 

“Giant robots scare me,” Tera said. “But watching giant robots beat the crud out of each other doesn’t.”

 

“You can do it, man,” said Takanuva, giving Mata Nui double thumbs up. “I think . . . um, I dunno, dude.”

“Part of me wishes I was the one in the robot about to do the butt-kicking,” Tahu sighed. “But like Ackar said, Mata Nui is probably the best person for the job.”

 

Then everyone looked at Bucket-head expectantly.

 

“What?” said Bucket-head, looking around at them all. “Are you expecting me to say something encouraging to Mata Nui, too?”

 

“It would only be polite,” said Berix.

 

Bucket-head, seeing no way to get out of this one, sighed and said to Mata Nui, in a monotone voice, “You go, Mata Nui. Don’t stop believing.”

 

Mata Nui punched Bucket-head in the face and said angrily, “I don’t need your encouragement, you ugly little Skrall!”

 

For the hundredth time, Bucket-head had the urge to kill everyone in the universe, but before he could do so, Billy clapped his hands.

 

The second robot fired a beam of energy, which struck Mata Nui. Then the laser retracted back into the eyes of the robot, leaving behind nothing but the ground upon which Mata Nui had been standing previously.

 

For a moment, Bucket-head hoped that the robot had accidentally destroyed Mata Nui, but then the robot’s eyes lit up and it shook its head, as though awakening from a deep sleep.

 

“Whoa,” said the giant robot in Mata Nui’s voice. “You guys look like ants. And I’m huge. I mean, I know you’ve been telling me to start going to the gym, Kiina, but this is ridiculous.”

 

“It looks like the transplantation has succeeded,” said Super Planet. “Now, Mata Nui, let us defeat Teridax.”

 

“All right,” said Mata Nui.

 

Mata Nui turned around and hit a planet, sending the planet hurtling into the depths of space, never to be seen again.

 

“Uh oh,” said Mata Nui, glancing at Super Planet. “Was that planet inhabited, per chance?”

 

“Probably not,” said Super Planet. “And if it was, then the inhabitants of that planet probably had it coming.”

 

Just then, Teridax stood back up. Yes, Teridax, Mata Nui, and Super Planet stood in space like it was solid ground. No, that’s not at all strange, why do you ask?

 

“I see you have an ally, Mata Nui,” said Teridax. “But why ally yourself with Super Planet when you can work with me?”

 

“And I would work with you, why?” said Mata Nui.

 

Teridax spread his arms wide, as though trying to give the entire universe a big hug. “Because we are two sides of the same coin. With our power combined, we could conquer whole universes if we wished. We could set up an empire unlike anything that has ever existed in the history of the universe. We could even conquer the entire omniverse itself if we tried.”

 

“Um, Teridax,” said Mata Nui, scratching the top of his head. “You do realize that you broke my back, threw me in the world’s dirtiest and most dangerous prison, attempted to kill my friends several times, and have on more than one occasion treated me really rudely, right?”

 

“Yes,” said Teridax, nodding. “I don’t see where you’re going with this.”

 

“So why do you think I will even consider working with you?” Mata Nui asked. “Seriously, what the Karzahni? You’re supposed to be one of the most intelligent villains ever. And yet you think I’d work with you after all that.”

 

“Why not?” said Teridax with a shrug. “I have an insatiable desire for power. You have an insatiable desire for power. I don’t see why we can’t work together.”

 

“That’s the difference between you and me, though,” said Mata Nui, pointing at himself. “Although you may resort to convoluted, deceptive plans to achieve your power lust, I simply disregard my friends’ opinions and ideas if I don’t like them or take them as my own if I do. That’s what makes me the good guy and you the bad guy.”

 

“If you will not ally with me for power, then, Mata Nui, ally with me for family,” said Teridax, holding out a hand. “Mata Nui, I am your brother.”

 

“Ha, yeah, no,” said Mata Nui with a laugh. “Your Darth Vader impression is really lousy. It’s ‘Luke, I am your father.’ Duh.”

 

“Actually,” said Super Planet, putting both of his hands to his head, “Teridax is for once being truthful. You and he truly are kin, separated at birth for reasons even I, in my infinite wisdom, cannot fathom. Possibly because it gives the author an interesting plot twist.”

 

“Even Super Planet agrees, Mata Nui, and he is rarely in the wrong,” said Teridax, still holding out his hand. “Would a brother kill a brother? Would not the brothers team up to conquer the entire omniverse, as is their right?”

 

This can’t be, Mata Nui thought. If Teridax really is my brother, then that not only has bizarre implications for my family history and racial identity, but also means I cannot kill him.

 

On one hand, Teridax had done so many horrible things to Mata Nui that Mata Nui would be justified in killing him. On the other hand, however, Teridax was family, and Mata Nui did not kill family. That wouldn’t be right.

 

“I see your resistance is weakening, Mata Nui,” said Teridax with a wicked grin. “You fully understand the implications of our relation. Simply step forward and take my hand. Then we will destroy your friends and conquer the entire universe.”

 

Mata Nui glanced down at Spherus Magna. Using the telescopic features built into his eyes (other features include digital radio, high-speed Internet, and 3D movie compatibility and unlimited streaming of all of your favorite TV shows and movies), Mata Nui saw Kiina and the others still standing in the Coliseum, looking up at them. Mata Nui realized that he and Teridax probably could kill them all if they wanted to, yet . . .

 

“No,” said Mata Nui, turning back to face Teridax. “I will not kill my friends.”

 

“Oh?” said Teridax, who sounded taken aback. “Why not? I am your brother and I demand that you kill them.”

 

“Never,” said Mata Nui firmly. “Although you and I may be biologically-related, we are not truly family. A family is a group of people who look out for each other and care for each other. And by that definition, my friends below are my real family. You’re an imposter.”

 

Mata Nui grabbed a giant asteroid and hurled it at Teridax, but the Makuta merely destroyed it with a blast from his laser vision.

 

“That’s your final answer, then?” said Teridax.

 

“Yes,” said Mata Nui. “And no, I don’t want to be a millionaire.”

 

Teridax sighed. “If you will not do it, then you may watch them burn alive.”

 

Without hesitation, Teridax raised his hands and unleashed a blast of pure energy at Spherus Magna. Mata Nui realized that the blast would completely destroy the planet, plus Mata Nui’s friends, yet Mata Nui could do nothing to stop it. Teridax’s prediction would be right. All Mata Nui could do was watch as the energy blast came closer and closer to the planet.

 

Suddenly, Super Planet jumped in between Spherus Magna and the blast of energy. Mata Nui wanted to yell and warn Super Planet, but it was too late. The energy blast hit Super Planet in the chest and sent the entity flying through the void of space until he crashed several dozen light years away. He did not get up.

“Super Planet!” said Mata Nui, looking at the fallen entity with horror. “No!”

 

“He sacrificed himself to save your friends,” said Teridax with a sneer. “How despicably heroic. If my robot body had been built with tear ducts, I would be crying my own Aqua Magna into existence right now.”

 

Mata Nui turned to face Teridax, rage contorting his face. “I will kill you, you . . . you monster!”

 

Teridax smiled. “You could not defeat me on your own before I gained this robot body. What deludes you into thinking you can defeat me now, without Super Planet’s help?”

 

“Because I have the power of my friends flowing through my veins like righteous spaghetti sauce,” said Mata Nui. “And you have nothing, Teridax. Nothing.”

 

“Well, then,” said Teridax. “Allow me to give your friends something to play with while we go at it.”

 

Teridax raised one hand and fired something that looked like a gigantic canister from it. The canister flew by Mata Nui and crashed onto Spherus Magna, which probably killed millions of people, but at least Mata Nui’s friends somehow avoided it. So yay and stuff.

 

“What’s in that?” said Mata Nui, without turning to look at the canister.

 

“My minions,” Teridax answered. “Skrall, Rahkshi, Skakdi . . . googolplex of them, all ready to invade Spherus Magna. There is no way your friends will be able to survive, much less defeat all of them.”

 

Mata Nui laughed, a sound which caused a nearby star to go supernova. “Teridax, you forget that the more the odds are stacked against my friends, the more likely they are to succeed. By giving them googolplex of your minions to deal with, you’ve all but guaranteed their victory.”

 

“Of course, Mata Nui,” said Teridax as the hole in his hand closed up. “Why else do you think I ejected my minions from my body? I am aware that you are weaker in a one on one fight, hence why I evened the odds.”

 

Mata Nui swore. “Whatever. Look, I’m just going to kick your butt and avenge Super Planet.”

 

“You may try,” said Teridax. “You may try indeed.”

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 25: A Battle so Epic that even the Gods Must Join In

 

Due to the epic nature of the battle that is about to take place, the author wishes to make the transition as peaceful as possible so that your soft, mortal brains do not explode from the sheer awesomeness that you are about to read.

 

Therefore, we shall show you a clip from Tarduk’s documentary series, On the Ancient Peoples of Spherus Magna, which is as follows:

 

Tarduk: Little is known about the first great Spherus Magnan Empire. Although we have practically their entire religious, social, and political cultures completely fleshed out, we don’t know the really important details, such as what color socks they wore, what kind of donuts they liked best, and whether they knew Chad was cheating on Becky.

 

An image of two Agori high school girls gossiping was shown.

 

Tarduk: Yet that is unimportant for today’s show. This week, we are focusing on the feared Milk-Drinker, a figure often thought to be a legend today but who has a solid basis in historical fact.

 

The next image showed two Agori looking at a half-empty gallon of milk in horror.

 

Tarduk: About the year 2300.7 BMN, a crazed madman known only as the ‘Milk-Drinker’ struck at the first Spherus Magnan Empire. The Milk-Drinker would break into peoples’ houses, take a fresh jug of milk from their refrigerators, and then drink the milk directly from the jug. What was worse was that he would then proceed to leave the gallon of milk on the kitchen counter . . . without its lid on.

 

Another image showed a milkman walking down a street with his head down.

 

Tarduk: The Milk-Drinker caused such a terrible scare that milk sales plummeted, nearly destroying the dairy industry itself. After all, who would want to buy milk only to have some mysterious madman drink from it? It was disgusting, not to mention rude.

 

A new image popped on the screen, featuring two Agori police officers chasing down another Agori.

 

Tarduk: It got so bad that the Emperor himself was forced to issue a decree making it illegal to drink directly from a milk jug. This resulted in the arrests of several people, but none of them were the Milk-Drinker. Indeed, it seemed as if the Milk-Drinker would plague the Empire forever.

 

The next picture showed an Agori pigging out in front of the fridge, while another Agori was sneaking up behind him with a frying pan in hand.

 

Tarduk: As it turned out, however, it was not a police officer who captured the Milk-Drinker, but the Emperor’s grandmother. The Milk-Drinker tried the impossible: Drinking the Emperor’s milk. And by all accounts, he nearly succeeded in his dastardly schemes.

 

The next image showed the Agori from before lying on the floor, while the elderly Agori with the frying pan stood above him triumphantly.

 

Tarduk: But the Emperor’s grandmother could not sleep that night and was going to the kitchen to drink a glass of warm milk herself. She discovered someone drinking the milk and took him out with a well-placed blow to the head. And so finally, the Milk-Drinker was captured.

 

Another image showed an Agori with a bump on his head sitting in court.

 

Tarduk: What no one expected to find out was that the Milk-Drinker was none other than the Emperor himself! As it turned out, the Emperor sometimes walked in his sleep and always had a craving for milk. So he’d sneak out of the castle at night and make long night treks into nearby towns or cities, drinking people’s milk and leaving it out on the counter overnight.

 

A new image showed the Emperor walking out of the courthouse looking quite pleased.

 

Tarduk: Because of this revelation, the court was forced to acquit the Emperor and drop all charges, due to his inability to control himself during his sleep walk. This outraged many people who had been desiring justice and thus resulted in the civil war that led to the eventual downfall of the entire first Spherus Magnan Empire.

 

The final image showed the Emperor drinking milk.

 

Tarduk: That is all for today’s installment. Please join me next time when we look at the violent and bloody origins of the chair and why it matters today. Good night.

 

-

 

Ackar blocked a Rahkshi’s staff and then pushed back. Off-balance, the Rahkshi could do nothing to stop Ackar’s sword from beheading it, nor could it avoid being blown up by his flame power. I mean, if it could, that would have been nice, but it couldn’t so you shouldn’t expect it to be able to.

 

Then Ackar spun in a circle, slashing at several Skakdi that had surrounded him as he did so. This caused the Skakdi to go flying, crashing into their allies and thus setting them on fire because shut up.

 

Then Tahu appeared out of nowhere, holding a Rahkshi head in one hand. With a grunt, Tahu set the head on fire and tossed it into a crowd of nearby Skrall, which created a massive explosion that incinerated billions of them.

 

“Thanks for the save,” said Ackar.

 

“No problem,” Tahu replied.

 

Ackar nodded and look around at the battle that had erupted in the streets of Atero. All of the others appeared to be caught up in their own battles against the googolplex of Rahkshi, Skrall, and Skakdi that Teridax had unleashed on them. Thus far, the battle appeared fairly even, although Ackar knew that sooner or later his team would emerge victorious. He’d been in enough all-out battles like this to know that.

 

Without warning, a trillion Skrall suddenly appeared around Ackar and Tahu. The two fire warriors went back-to-back and started shooting fire at the Skrall. Most of the Skrall burned to death, but a few of the luckier ones got up to Ackar and Tahu, only to be incinerated by the massive amount of heat the two warriors were generating. In fact, they were so hot that they actually burned the air.

 

Meanwhile, in outer space, Mata Nui hurled a punch at Teridax. The blow connected, sending the Makuta staggering backwards. Teridax stumbled over a small planet and fell backwards, but rolled back onto his feet.

 

Then, still crouching, Teridax seized two nearby planets and threw them at Mata Nui. Mata Nui dodged the first planet, ended up accidentally putting himself in the way of the second planet. The planet collided with Mata Nui and knocked him over; however, he had managed to grab it before it could go flying away.

 

Exerting the barest amount of strength, Mata Nui pulled the planet in half and ran at Teridax. Before Teridax could respond, Mata Nui slammed both halves of the planet over Teridax’s head and then threw them away before Teridax could recover.

 

Without hesitation, Mata Nui grabbed Teridax’s head and head-butted him. The resulting blow was so powerful that it sent both titanic warriors stumbling away from each other, their heads ringing. Mata Nui stumbled against a planet, while Teridax just shook his head.

 

Note to self, Mata Nui thought. Never head-butt a planet-sized robot, even if you’re a planet-sized robot yourself.

 

Teridax jumped into the air (or into the space? I don’t know). He brought his foot down onto Mata Nui’s head, but our hero seized Teridax’s legs with both hands and began spinning around and around, soon spinning so fast that he looked like a cosmic hurricane.

 

When Mata Nui was sufficiently dizzy, he let go of Teridax, sending the Makuta flying. Teridax slammed into a gigantic planet, causing him to fall to the ground. This left a giant impression of himself in the planet, which probably killed millions of people, but meh.

 

As Teridax fell, he recovered from the blow immediately, landing on his feet with the grace of a tiger. He then dashed at Mata Nui and punched our hero with both fists, sending Mata Nui flying. Mata Nui hit the ground of space (or something like that) and lay there, dazed, as Teridax ran at him.

 

Without thinking, Mata Nui reached out and grabbed a nearby star. He compressed it in his fist and knew that any moment now it was about to go supernova.

 

So Mata Nui threw the compressed star at Teridax. When it hit him, the star exploded, which sent Teridax skidding backwards across the vastness of space. Though Teridax still lived, an ugly scar in the shape of a star ran across his chest.

 

“A nice move, Mata Nui,” said Teridax, feeling the scar. “But not nice enough.”

 

Teridax grabbed the ring of a nearby planet and threw it at Mata Nui like a disk. Mata Nui crossed his arms in front of his face, which protected him from the worst of the ring, which exploded into rocks and star dust, scratching up Mata Nui’s paint job and making him look absolutely not fabulous.

 

Moving faster than the speed of light, Teridax body-slammed Mata Nui, which sent our hero falling to the ground. Before Mata Nui could get up, Teridax pinned him to the ground with one foot and held one of his hands in front of Mata Nui’s face.

 

“It’s time I ended this,” said Teridax as energy charged around his fist.

 

Mata Nui wasn’t going to die that easily, however. He reached out and grabbed a handful of meteors, which he crushed into dust. Then Mata Nui threw the dust in Teridax’s eyes, causing the villain to cry out in pain and lose concentration, allowing Mata Nui to push him off, sending the Makuta flying.

 

Teridax recovered pretty quickly, however, and landed on a planet high above Mata Nui.

 

“What a dirty trick,” said Teridax. “I thought you were supposed to be the hero, Mata Nui.”

 

“And I thought you were supposed to be smart, Teridax,” Mata Nui replied.

 

Mata Nui slammed his fists together, creating a sound wave that cut through Teridax’s planet like a sword. The planet collapsed underneath Teridax’s feet, but he jumped off the planet just in time.

 

When he landed, Teridax charged at Mata Nui and Mata Nui charged at him. The two enemies reared back and punched each other, but their fists met in midair, causing an explosion that sent both hero and villain flying.

 

Meanwhile, back on Spherus Magna, Berix was running circles around an army of Skakdi. In fact, Berix was running so fast that he was a blur, making it impossible for the Skakdi to stop him. In fact, when one Skakdi put out his gun to trip Berix up, Berix simply ran through the gun and also somehow kicked that Skakdi in the face at the same time.

 

As Berix ran, he began shooting up the Skakdi, killing a billion with every bullet. Panicked, the Skakdi tried to run away, but Berix merely killed them all mercilessly. Quite a few Skakdi merely gave up, but as our heroes aren’t merciful, Berix killed them, too.

 

“Tee hee, this is fun!” Berix said.

 

He jumped onto one Skakdi and locked the Skakdi’s head between his feet. Then Berix flipped in midair and hurled the Skakdi at his allies. The Skakdi collided with his friends, causing a massive explosion that decimated the area, although some enemy soldiers survived, so Berix went after them.

 

Nearby, Kiina and Takanuva were using a combination of water and light to drown or blind the Rahkshi. Kiina slashed several Rahkshi in half with a sword made of water, while Takanuva charged his bullets with light energy, thus turning them into mini flash bombs. Then Takanuva fired off these mini flash bombs, which struck the Rahkshi and killed them instantly.

 

On the other side of the battlefield, Bucket-head was cornered by several Skrall. They swung their swords menacingly at him, forcing Bucket-head to block them with his shield.

 

“You were one of us!” one of the Skrall yelled. “Why did you betray your people?”

“Hey, I thought you were all dead,” said Bucket-head, blocking another attack from them. “Besides, Mata Nui would kill me if-“

 

“You dirty traitor!” another Skrall screamed. “Dirty, dirty, evil, dirty!”

 

So that’s another derogatory term we can call Bucket-head: A dirty traitor.

 

“Do you keep a list of derogatory terms to describe me or something?” Bucket-head asked.

 

Duh. It’s actually pretty long. Would you like to hear it?

 

Bucket-head ducked to avoid a slash from another Skrall and said, “No, thanks. Too busy trying not to die right now.”

 

Elsewhere in the city, Oris was standing on top of the ruins of a skyscraper, picking off random enemies from a distance with his arrows. One Skakdi sneaked up on him, but Oris just shot an arrow at a sign. The arrow deflected off the sign and went flying over Oris’s shoulder, hitting the Skakdi in the face that had been about to put a dagger in his back.

 

Not far from Oris, Gresh found himself against a huge army comprised of Rahkshi, Skrall, and Skakdi. Gresh figured out the best way to kill them, so he kicked at the foundation of a gigantic skyscraper, causing the building to fall down on the ten billion Rahkshi, Skrall, and Skakdi that had been unwise to be standing in its shadow.

 

A huge explosion rocked the city, nearly throwing Gresh off his feet. He looked around until he saw Tera and Likus -- the obvious sources of the explosion -- standing not fair away, rocking it out on their air guitars. They appeared to have entered the Zone, for a green aura shone around them and every bad guy that tried to step into the aura was incinerated instantly.

 

Gresh heard something running behind him and, glancing over his shoulder, saw a green Skakdi riding a Kikanalo the size of a skyscraper running at him. It was far too late to dodge it, so Gresh slammed his arm blades together and created a shield.

 

When the giant Kikanalo slammed into the shield, it pushed against it hard, causing Gresh to break through the street in an effort to stop. Gresh wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold out against the giant beast and was just about to give up when a fierce thunderstorm suddenly appeared.

 

The sky shook with thunder and lightning and powerful winds sent many of the enemy forces flying through the air. The Kikanalo looked up, causing Gresh to fall backwards in surprise, just in time for a lightning bolt to hit the Kikanalo’s horn. This caused a massive explosion that blinded Gresh for a second before the light faded away, revealing that the entire Kikanalo and its Skakdi rider were gone.

 

At that moment, three powerful beings leapt down from the sky, landing softly in front of Gresh. All three wore Greek togas, but besides that they looked rather different. One wore a crown on his head, while the other two wore a blue toga and a red toga, respectively.

 

“See, Poseidon?” said the crowned being, gesturing at the spot where the Kikanalo had been previously. “I told you that aiming for the horn was not a bad idea!”

 

“Oh my goodness!” said Gresh, jumping to his feet. “It’s the Greek gods, Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades!”

 

“Indeed we are, young mortal,” said the crowned one, who was Zeus. “We have come to aid you and your friends in your hour of need!”

 

“Well, that’s nice, but I’m not sure we really need you,” said Gresh as he looked around the area. “I mean, you’re really cool and all, but I think we’ve got this situation covered pretty well.”

 

As soon as Gresh said that, a horde of Skrall ran by them, followed shortly by Berix, who was waving a waffle iron around while screaming, “WAFFLES! WAFFLES! EAT YOUR WAFFLES!”

 

“Really?” said Zeus, his arms drooping to his sides. “But . . . I summoned the armies of Olympus and everything . . .”

 

“Hey, don’t feel disappointed,” said Gresh. “You can just go back to ruling the skies and starring in family-unfriendly legends. That’s what you’re best at, isn’t it?”

 

“So we basically came for no reason?” said Hades, stomping his feet. “I knew it would be better to just wait in the Underworld to collect the souls of the dead! But nooo, Zeus said it would be fun, Zeus said-“

 

“Well, I don’t like helping mortals anyway,” said Poseidon, folding his arms. “I think there's a heretical city I need to smite with a tsunami.”

 

“Wait,” said Gresh, snapping his fingers. “I know what you guys can do. Zeus, do you remember Super Planet?”

 

“Of course!” said Zeus, hitching up his toga. “He and I are pen pals.”

 

“Then you guys gotta help him,” said Gresh, pointing up at the sky. “When Teridax tried to destroy the planet, Super Planet took the bullet that would have killed everyone. We don’t know if he’s still alive. Can you guys go find him and try to revive him?”

 

“Hmm,” said Zeus, stroking his manly chin. “Well, we normally do not take orders from mortals. However, Super Planet is a good friend of mine and if he is in danger, then it is only godly of me to do whatever I can to help him!”

 

Zeus turned to Poseidon and Hades and said, “Come, my brothers! We have to find my pen pal before it is too late!”

 

“And just why should we?” said Poseidon, pouting. “I want to smite a mortal city.”

 

“Because if you don’t, Teridax is probably going to kill you guys along with everyone else on the planet?” Gresh offered.

“In that case, we must find Super Planet!” said Poseidon. “Let us fly away, my brothers!”

 

Zeus jumped onto a cloud shaped like a chariot and flew off. Poseidon summoned a giant water bubble around himself and flew into the sky. And finally, Hades yelled, “Flame on!” and flew into the atmosphere on the column of fire that had appeared under his legs.

 

Gresh watched them go until all three of the gods were out of sight. Then he scratched his head and said, “Huh. That was weird. Well, better get back to the epic final fight for the universe, then.”

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Chapter 26: The Final Battle you’ve all been Waiting for!

 

Standing in the void of space, Mata Nui unleashed twin blasts of energy from his hands at Teridax. Teridax opened his mouth and inhaled the energy blasts, causing his body to glow before he redirected them out of his body through his own hands. The re-shot energy hit a nearby planet, which, you guessed it, caused it to explode.

“Give up, Mata Nui,” said Teridax as he seized an asteroid belt. “My robot body is superior to yours in every way. Harder, better, faster, stronger, even more handsome . . . there is nothing you can do to stop me.”

 

Teridax cracked the asteroid belt at Mata Nui, striking our hero in the face. Mata Nui stumbled backwards and put one hand on where the belt had hit him, panting hard as Teridax rolled the belt back up.

 

“You’re even tiring quicker than me,” said Teridax with a laugh. “How pathetic. Super Planet must suck at robot-building.”

 

At the derisive mention of Super Planet, righteous anger coursed through Mata Nui’s veins like chocolate milk and he roared so loudly that several nearby planets experienced their own version of the Shattering. Then Mata Nui charged through space and, before Teridax could react, punched Teridax with both fists.

 

But Mata Nui didn’t stop there. He kept pushing Teridax backwards, smashing him through planets, asteroid belts, stars, and all of that other space junk that you can see through your telescope.

 

He finally stopped when he pushed Teridax into a particularly huge planet, but even then, Mata Nui didn't give up. He started pounding Teridax deeper and deeper into the giant planet, every fist fueled by Mata Nui’s rage and sorrow.

 

“This is for Super Planet!” Mata Nui yelled as he whaled on Teridax. “This is for Kiina! This is for my other friends whose names I can’t remember right now! This is for the universe!”

 

Seizing the dazed Teridax, Mata Nui lifted him above his head like he was a pillow.

 

“And finally, this is for me!”

 

With a roar like a lion, Mata Nui hurled Teridax through space. The Makuta went flying until he actually struck the ‘ceiling,’ for want of a better word, of space. Then Teridax fell back to the ‘ground’ of space and lay there, seemingly defeated.

 

Panting harder than ever, Mata Nui sat down on a dwarf planet -- in all probability, Pluto -- and wiped the nonexistent sweat off his nonexistent brow.

 

“Whew,” said Mata Nui. “That was pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. No way Teridax could have-“

 

A loud groan cut off Mata Nui, causing him to look at Teridax. Teridax was slowly standing back up, shaking his head as he got back to his feet. Though Teridax had just taken a savage beating from Mata Nui, it didn’t look like that had done anything to the Makuta at all. If anything, Teridax appeared stronger than ever.

 

“That was fun,” said Teridax, cracking his neck. “Now it’s my turn.”

 

Moving faster than his giant robot body should have been able to, Teridax dashed toward Mata Nui and slammed both fists into Mata Nui’s face. Mata Nui fell off his planet, but Teridax caught him and then slammed him on the ground as hard as he could. Mata Nui gasped, for the sensors in his robot form were telling him that his body couldn’t take much more.

 

Then Teridax jumped into the air and slammed both feet down on Mata Nui, causing Mata Nui to actually scream in pain as cracks spread all along his body. Teridax bent over and lifted Mata Nui and -- displaying his lack of imagination -- brought Mata Nui down on his knee, thus ‘breaking’ Mata Nui’s back yet again.

 

With a laugh, Teridax tossed Mata Nui away. Mata Nui crashed into a planet and lay on top of it. His sensors were telling him that nearly all of his energy was depleted, that his circuitry was fried in hundreds of places, and that his limbs were almost incapable of functioning anymore. In fact, Mata Nui’s optics kept flickering on and off, which told Mata Nui just how perilously close he was to certain death.

 

“Give up, Mata Nui,” said Teridax as he walked over to him. “If you do, I might spare your friends and strand them on an asteroid in the middle of nowhere while I begin my conquest of everything. I might even spare you so you can live with the knowledge that, no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn’t beat me.

 

This is the end, Mata Nui thought. Teridax will win. And I will die. Oh, and my friends will die, too, but more importantly, I’m going to die. I hate Mondays.

 

Just as Mata Nui accepted his fate, a tiny little voice nearby started yelling at him. Glancing to the left, Mata Nui saw Billy, Super Planet’s apprentice, standing on the planet, jumping up and down like a madman.

 

“What . . . do you want, Billy?” Mata Nui muttered. “I’m busy having my butt handed to me by Teridax.”

 

“But Mata Nui, you can defeat him!” said Billy. “You have a power that will help you defeat Teridax for good!”

 

“Stop trying to encourage me,” Mata Nui said. “I know all about the ‘power of friendship’ and ‘unity’ and all that crud. It’s no use to me now.”

 

“No, Mata Nui, you don’t understand,” said Billy, shaking his head. “Super Planet programmed your robot body with a special feature that he forgot to tell you about!”

 

“What, can it play HD DVDs or something?” said Mata Nui.

 

“Yes, but that’s not the special feature,” said Billy. “Remember your 40k MGA? Haven’t you noticed that you haven’t been using it in your fight against Teridax?”

 

“Um, Billy, I’m not sure what good a tiny rifle will do against a planet-sized robot, to be honest,” said Mata Nui, glancing at Teridax, who was still approaching them slowly and dramatically. “So unless you know something I don’t-“

 

“But I do!” said Billy. “Look, just summon your gun or whatever. You’ll see.”

 

Mata Nui was skeptical, but he raised one hand into the air and willed his 40k MGA to appear in his hand. Through the magic of plot holes, Mata Nui’s gun materialized in the palm of his hand, but as he thought, it was way too small to do any sort of damage to Teridax. He couldn’t even shoot it.

 

“Billy, I-“ said Mata Nui, before the 40k MGA exploded.

 

Or, rather, it shone like an extremely bright light. Its light was so bright that it covered the entire universe. It even caused Teridax to hold his hands over his face, which barely prevented his optics from being destroyed.

 

The light lasted for only a minute, however. When it passed away, Mata Nui now held a planet-sized version of the 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle, much to his surprise.

 

“What?” said Mata Nui, blinking. “I don’t get it.”

 

“That’s what your robot body can do,” said Billy. “It can transform whatever weapon you hold into a bigger, planet-sized version of it. With it, you can defeat Teridax!”

 

“That was convenient,” Mata Nui remarked. “Well, then I guess I’m back in business.”

 

Despite Mata Nui’s newfound courage, his body was still weak. Still, Mata Nui managed to summon enough strength to push himself off the planet. Though his legs screamed in protest, Mata Nui stood before Teridax, panting hard as he raised his gun and aimed it at Teridax.

 

“New toys won’t save you now, Mata Nui,” said Teridax, who had now stopped. “Really, look at you. You look like you’re about to fall to pieces any minute.”

 

“This isn’t any old new toy, Teridax,” said Mata Nui, panting hard. “This is the 4,000,000k Omega Great-Grandmother Nuclear rifle, or the 4,000,000k OGGN for short.”

 

“Adding more zeroes to your gun’s name won’t save you now, Mata Nui,” said Teridax. “Again, I offer you one more chance to save your life and the lives of your friends. Why won’t you take it?”

 

“Because I’m not a compromiser,” Mata Nui replied. “Though I may have started a war, I may have killed billions, and in the past I have been the chief cause of disunity among the various peoples of Spherus Magna, still I never compromised my beliefs. And I believe, Teridax, that you’re the world’s biggest, nastiest meanie.”

 

Mata Nui reached out with his free hand and grabbed a nearby black hole. He then stuffed it into the barrel of his 4,000,000k OGGN, along with a gas giant and a supernova, and aimed it at Teridax.

 

“The 4,000,000k OGGN can increase the power of anything put inside it 400 trillion times,” said Mata Nui, steadying his gun, which was shaking with repressed energy. “So, as they say in Canada, you’re gonna die, eh!”

 

When Mata Nui pulled the trigger, the 4,000,000k unleashed a blast so powerful that it literally tore through the space-time continuum on its way to Teridax.

 

Teridax’s eyes grew wide, but there was nothing he could do to stop the energy blast. It slammed into him full force, hitting Teridax with so much force that it literally disintegrated his body. Not only that, but Teridax’s spirit -- which had attempted to escape the body’s destruction -- was sent flying all across the universe until it broke through space and entered the Void, where it, of course, exploded.

 

The only parts of Teridax’s body that survived where the six golden armor pieces, which coincidentally fell to Spherus Magna, even though they were nowhere near Spherus Magna at the time.

 

“I . . . did it,” said Mata Nui.

 

Without warning, Mata Nui’s hand detached from his arm and fell to the ground. That had been his gun hand, meaning his 4,000,000k OGGN had also fallen, but Mata Nui didn’t bother to pick it up. His sensors revealed to him that his body was about to fall apart anyway, so why even bother picking the gun up again at this point?

 

Just as Mata Nui pondered whether he could make it back to Spherus Magna before he collapsed (which he doubted), Zeus flew out of nowhere toward him.

 

“Zeus?” said Mata Nui in disbelief, looking at the Greek god. “What . . . where . . . how . . .”

 

“Ask questions later, Mata Nui!” said Zeus. “You need to see Super Planet!”

 

“What? Is he still alive?” said Mata Nui.

 

Zeus frowned. “Barely, my friend, just barely. I fear Hades will be escorting Super Planet to the Underworld soon.”

 

“Then let’s go,” said Mata Nui. “Think this thing still has enough energy in it to reach Super Planet.”

 

It didn’t take Zeus and Mata Nui long to find Super Planet, who was lying not far from Spherus Magna. There was a gigantic hole in his chest, while Poseidon and Hades floated near him, both looking grim.

 

“Super Planet,” said Mata Nui, falling to his knees at Super Planet’s side. “You can’t die . . .”

 

With some effort, Super Planet looked at Mata Nui and smiled. “It’s okay, Mata Nui. I have already . . . fulfilled my destiny. It is time for me . . . to move on.”

 

Billy floated down out of nowhere and landed on Super Planet. Tears were streaming from the young boy’s eyes as he looked at his master and friend who was so close to death.

 

“Billy,” Super Planet said, looking at his apprentice, “it is time you became the master now. My duty is done.”

 

“No, Super Planet,” said Billy, wiping the tears out of his eyes. “You can’t die! What will I do without you?”

 

“Grow up and be a man,” Super Planet replied, somewhat harshly. “You cannot live in my shadow forever, Billy. Someday, perhaps even today, you have to move on and become your own man. That is what I have been training you for this entire time.”

 

“But Bill isn’t as cool as you,” Mata Nui whined. Then he glanced at Billy and said, “No offense.”

 

“None taken,” Billy said.

 

“True, Billy may not be as cool as I am,” said Super Planet. “But someday, his awesomeness may surpass even my own. There is still evil lurking in the darkest corners of the universe. Billy, it is your duty to destroy it no matter the cost. Do you understand?”

 

Billy nodded, no longer crying.”I do, Super Planet. I do.”

 

“Then fair well,” said Super Planet. “May we meet again in the other life. And, Mata Nui, please tell Ackar he was the best father a planet-sized entity could ask for, even though he was never really there for me.”

 

Then Super Planet closed his eyes and his body began glowing. Surprised, the gods, Billy, and Mata Nui stepped back away from Super Planet’s body as it transformed into shining, glowing stardust that flew all over the universe. Super Planet's stardust formed brand new constellations, but Mata Nui didn’t pay any attention to that, as astronomy had always bored him in school and it certainly wasn't any more interesting now.

 

“Well, Billy, are you going to come back to Spherus Magna with me?” said Mata Nui, looking down at the new master.

 

Billy shook his head. “No, Mata Nui. Super Planet passed on his duties to me. I must continue traveling the universe, defeating evil and spreading goodness wherever I go. Someday, though, I might come back.”

 

“Okay,” said Mata Nui. “No need to be so high and mighty about it.”

 

After saying good bye, Billy flew into the deepest reaches of space, probably to never be seen again considering this is the final comedy in the trilogy (unless -- the Great Beings forbid -- the author decides to make a spin-off).

 

“Well, well!” said Zeus, clapping his hands. “I believe it is time that Poseidon, Hades, and I returned to Mount Olympus! I just hope Ares didn’t set it on fire again or he’s going to be in big trouble!”

 

Mata Nui waved at the gods as they departed. He was just about to go back to Spherus Magna himself when, without warning, Mata Nui’s robot body collapsed into a heap of scrap.

 

-

 

Back on Spherus Magna, although everyone on the planet had seen Teridax’s demise, the deceased villain’s minions were still fighting as viciously as ever. In fact, the Skrall, Rahkshi, and Skakdi were so aggressive that Mata Nui’s friends had been forced to retreat to the center of the city.

 

All ten of them were fighting back to back, shooting bullets, throwing fireballs, slashing at enemies, making bad puns, and doing whatever they could to keep back the crushing army.

 

“There’re too many of them!” said Ackar as he stabbed a Skrall in the heart. “We can’t beat them all!”

 

Kiina kicked a Rahkshi in the face. “I know! But we’ve gotta keep trying.”

 

Oris launched an arrow into the head of a nearby Skakdi and said, “If Kiina says we keep fighting, then we keep fighting.”

 

Bucket-head slammed his shield into a Rahkshi and then beheaded it with his sword. “Yeah, but it seems like they keep coming. It’s almost like the author is manipulating the story to increase the suspense!”

 

“Silly Bucket, the author does that all the time,” Berix replied as he killed three Skakdi with half a bullet. “Just like the Alamo!”

 

“We’ll win,” Gresh said, ducking to avoid a Skakdi’s sword. “Just gotta think positively and believe!”

 

“Believe in what?” said Tahu, grabbing a Rahkshi and smashing its head into the ground. “There’s no one to save us. Mata Nui is still out in space playing Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.”

 

“We don’t need Mata Nui to save us!” said Likus as he brained a Skrall with his baseball bat. “Right, Tera?”

 

“Mata Nui scares me,” Tera replied, shooting a Skakdi in the back with his shotgun. “Running jokes also scare me.”

 

Takanuva slammed the butts of his guns into the faces of two Rahkshi and then blew their brains out. “I dunno, man. We might have a chance, but . . . I dunno, man.”

 

The army aggressively pushed forward, causing our heroes to pull back. On every side, there were trillions and trillions of Skrall, Rahkshi, and Skakdi, all armed to the teeth. Many of them looked as though they had just recently been working out, for their muscles looked as strong as iron and twice as shiny. Perhaps that’s what you get for building a planet-sized robot.

 

Just then, Tahu noticed six gleaming objects out of the corner of his eye. Looking up, the Toa saw the six pieces of the golden armor falling toward them. He had no idea where they had come from, but he didn’t bother question it. His heart was filled with greed and he was going to get the golden armor pieces and not share them with anyone.

 

So Tahu sent himself flying through the air by channeling fire beneath his feet, effectively flying like a rocket. Millions of the enemy forces jumped into the air after him, but Tahu unleashed a blast of fire that incinerated them and allowed him to snag all the entire set of golden armor as easily as though he were catching a baseball (as a matter of fact, Tahu had brought out a giant baseball mitt specifically for this purpose).

 

Then Tahu landed on the ground and held the golden armor close to his chest as he muttered, “My precious . . .”

 

“Hey, Tahu!” said Bucket-head, kicking a Rahkshi in the chest. “Try putting on the golden armor! It might do something important!”

 

“No!” said Tahu, turning away from Bucket-head. “It’s my golden armor and you can’t have it!”

 

“I didn’t . . . oh, never mind,” Bucket-head sighed. “Then don’t put on the armor. I don’t care.”

 

“No!” said Tahu. “I will put it on! It’s mine and you can’t have it!”

 

Without hesitation, Tahu began slapping on the various pieces of the golden armor. He did it hastily and without thought and more than once put the wrong piece in the wrong area. In particular, Tahu seemed to have a difficult time grasping the idea that you had to put the mask on your face and not on other parts of your body

 

Finally, however, Tahu succeeded in putting on the entire suit of golden armor.

 

“Ha!” said Tahu to Bucket-head, puffing out his chest. “I put on the golden armor when you didn’t want me to. Therefore-“

 

Tahu was interrupted when the golden armor shone with the light of a thousand suns. As if understanding what was about to happen, Tahu yelled, “Everyone, get down!”

 

Our heroes all dropped to the ground as several trillion beams of light flew out from Tahu’s armor. The beams hit the Skrall, Rahkshi, and Skakdi, seemingly incinerating them wherever the beams touched. Many tried, foolishly, to run away, but none of them were able to escape the beams of death that Tahu had inadvertently summoned.

 

In a few minutes, the entire battlefield was barren of all life, save for our heroes. Then the golden beams went back into the golden armor, disappearing so quickly it was as though they’d never existed in the first place.

 

“Whoa, Tahu,” said Berix as he and the others stood back up. “The cheesy grits saved the day! Hooray!”

 

“That’s a Deus ex Machina if I ever saw one,” said Bucket-head. “Not that I'm complaining, of course.”

 

“I feel woozy,” said Tahu, putting one hand on his head. “Ugh . . . I think I hear the tormented souls of our enemies screaming in agony inside the golden armor. It’s really annoying.”

 

Then Tahu fired lasers out of his eyes, completely incinerating a nearby building.

 

“Cool!” said Gresh. “You got laser beam powers!”

 

“Hey, now I’m just like Superman,” said Tahu. “Except minus the tights and terrible civilian disguise and alien backstory. I did grow up in Kansas, though.”

 

While everyone else had gathered around Tahu to admire his new super powers, Kiina stood apart from the group, looking up at the night sky for any sign of Mata Nui. She didn’t see the giant robot anywhere, which worried her more than she’d like to admit.

 

“Looking for Mata Nui?” Ackar asked as he walked up to her.

 

Kiina nodded, but didn’t look at him. “Yeah. I mean, he didn’t die, did he? Where is he?”

 

“I don’t know,” said Ackar, also looking up at the sky. “All I know is that Super Planet is dead. He . . . he was a great son, if I could call him that.”

 

“How do you know Super Planet is dead?” Kiina asked.

 

Ackar pointed into the sky. “Look at that constellation.”

 

Kina looked and saw a constellation that resembled Super Planet’s face. In fact, now that Kiina looked more closely, she saw that there were dozens of new constellations, such as Mata Nui killing the Tuma, Super Planet’s birth, Mata Nui punching Bucket-head in the face, and various other scenes from their past adventures.

 

“Only Super Planet’s corpse could have created all those,” said Ackar.

 

“And how do you know that?” said Kiina.

 

Ackar shrugged. “I dunno. I just do. It’s probably the prunes.”

 

“But where is Mata Nui?” Kiina repeated. “He isn’t dead . . . right?”

 

“I don’t see him anywhere around here,” said Ackar, looking around. “Knowing him, though, he’s probably waiting for just the right moment to come out and surprise us all in his usual insensitive way.”

 

Although Ackar chose his words very deliberately, Mata Nui did not jump out of a hiding place to surprise them. In fact, the utter silence crushed Kiina’s hopes and even caused Ackar to doubt his words.

 

“Well, I guess we should just move on, then,” said Ackar, turning away. “Let’s go, um, beat up Bucket-head or something.”

 

“Yeah, okay,” said Kiina as she followed Ackar back to the others. “Whatever.”

 

So Ackar and Kiina rejoined the others to play Skrall Pinata, but even then, Kiina still kept glancing up at the sky, hoping to see Mata Nui once again. Yet she saw no sign of her hero and boyfriend, which could only mean that he was truly, finally, unquestionably, undoubtedly, irrevocably dead.

 

And so she wept.

 

-TNTOS-

[TNTOS]

Well, here it is. The final chapter. This is where it all ends. This is the finale. Enjoy:

 

Chapter 27: It goes On and On and On and On!

 

Six months later . . .

 

Lifting the final box, Kiina walked out of the house and set the box on the back of a moving truck she’d stole, er, rented. It was the last of at least a hundred such boxes, all filled with the various possessions that she and Mata Nui had gathered over the years.

 

With a sigh, Kiina shut the door on the moving truck and glanced back at the house. She was selling it now, for it had been six months since that last epic battle in Atero and Mata Nui still hadn’t reappeared. She’d held out as long as she could, but it was clear now that Mata Nui really was dead.

 

Many things had happened over the past six months and Kiina, for the reader’s convenience, thought back on them all.

 

Ackar was back in the military, this time as a drill sergeant. From what Ackar had told her, he was loving the job because he got to boss youngsters around and make them respect their elders. The military also provided him with as many prunes as he needed, which Kiina felt was information she really didn’t need to know.

 

Gresh, meanwhile, had gone to found a company called Happy Smiles. It was still unclear to Kiina exactly what Happy Smiles was supposed to do, but she did know it had something to do with spreading the message of positive thinking and curing people of their dumb accents. Last she’d heard, Gresh had been raking in the millions.

 

Berix had returned to the insane asylum he’d escaped from some years previously. This time, however, Berix was a doctor in the asylum, which didn’t encourage Kiina, knowing Berix was most likely causing problems rather than fixing them. Berix had also told Kiina that he had been contacted by a guy who called himself Bartholomew Oswald Nathaniel Eric Sanderson to publish Berix’s book, My Bigg Advnturs, which was set to come out this fall.

 

At least he’ll relieve them of their boredom, Kiina thought.

 

Bucket-head had disappeared off the face of the earth, at least as far as Kiina knew. After the battle of Atero, Bucket-head had just up and disappeared. Kiina had heard rumors Bucket-head had went into hiding in the Bota Magna jungle, but wherever he was, Kiina was disappointed, for she had wanted to punch that moron in the face one last time before moving.

 

As for Oris, he’d been sending Kiina millions of love letters and candy in order to win her heart, but Kiina had of course rejected it all. From the letters he’d sent her, Kiina figured out that Oris was still playing the role of Brickolas the Obese Elf, except this time in a cameo role in the prequel to the Lord of the Bling, called The Rabbit.

 

I’ve kept all of the chocolate, though, Kiina thought as she absentmindedly started eating a piece of chocolate.

 

Tera and Likus were still going on tour as the All-Bara Magnan Accepts, or ABMA. However, they’d broken ties with the LEGO company and had just recently released their first album, Creeping in my Pants. They’d even sent Kiina free copy, but Kiina hadn’t bothered listened to it, partly due to a lack of interest, partly because she never really liked those two.

 

According to the emails he’d sent her, Tahu was going around to random cities pretending to be Superman. He’d apparently gotten in trouble with the law a couple of times, but had assured her that no one would know that his secret identity was a mild-mannered news reporter at the Daily Sphere.

 

Tahu really doesn’t have a life, does he? Kiina thought.

 

Takanuva had gone to the beach, where he was ‘catching waves’ and ‘seeing babes,’ according to him. Kiina thought about moving to the beach, but as she didn’t really like Takanuva that much, she decided she was going to move somewhere else.

 

We’ve all gone our separate ways now, Kiina thought. Though we’ve been through so many adventures together, I guess we can’t keep doing this forever. There aren’t any more movies or Bionicle story arcs for the author to parody anymore, after all, at least not ones that involve all of us together, anyway.

 

Kiina walked up to the house’s door and closed it shut. Then she locked it and placed the key underneath the ‘WELCOME’ map, which was still flecked with the blood from the cybernetic demon wolf Mata Nui had brought here not long ago.

 

With a sigh, Kiina turned around, thinking of where she was going to move, exactly, when she heard a loud engine sound in the distance. Puzzled, Kiina looked around until she spotted a motorcycle coming roaring toward the house. The light of the sun reflected off the biker’s yellow armor, but his face was obscured by the sleek black helmet he wore.

 

Yet Kiina thought she recognized the yellow armor and the rifle strapped to the bike’s side. In fact, as the biker drew closer and closer, Kiina realized who it was, even though she couldn't believe it.

 

The biker slowed the motorcycle to a stop at the foot of the porch. He got off the bike and removed his helmet before looking up at Kiina, causing her to gasp.

 

“Mata Nui!” said Kiina. “I can’t believe it! You’re alive!”

 

Mata Nui held his helmet underneath his right arm and looked confused. “Um, yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“You just up and disappeared after Teridax’s death,” Kiina said. “We all thought you were dead.”

 

Mata Nui scratched his chin. “Well, that’s silly. You know I’m the main character. I can’t die.”

 

“Then how did you survive?” Kiina demanded. “Or . . . are you an illusion?”

 

“Nope,” said Mata Nui. “If I were an illusion, could I do this?”

 

Mata Nui ripped the 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle off his bike and fired off a shot at a nearby boulder. The boulder exploded into a million pieces.

 

“Yeah, but you didn’t answer my first question,” said Kiina. “How did you survive?”

 

Mata Nui leaned against his bike. “Well, after my robot body collapsed, you know, I was buried underneath tons and tons of metal. Thought for sure I was going to die, but you know who showed up just then?”

 

“Who?” said Kiina.

 

“That Death guy,” said Mata Nui. “You know, the guy you tricked eight times? Anyway, he said my time had come, that I was going to the afterlife, yadda, yadda, yadda. You know, the usual Death stuff. He took me to the afterlife and I hung out there for a while. It was boring.”

 

“So you were dead!” said Kiina in alarm. “But now you’re not?”

“Something like that,” Mata Nui said with a shrug. “Anyway, so I got out of the afterlife because the security there sucks. Then I stole this bike from some punk, went to Disney World, and then decided to go home.”

 

“Let me get this straight,” said Kiina. “So you died, were taken to the afterlife, but broke out of the afterlife, stole a bike, went to Disney World, and then decided to come back home. All without telling anyone.”

 

“Yep.”

 

“And you did all of this in six months?”

 

“Six months?” Mata Nui repeated in surprise. “I thought it’d only been a couple of months. I must have lost track of the time at Disney World or something.”

 

Kiina sighed heavily. “Do you realize how worried I’ve been? I even sold the house!”

 

“You what?” said Mata Nui.

 

He then noticed a large ‘SOLD’ sign slapped on the front door. “Hey, I didn’t agree to this.”

 

“Well, sorry,” said Kiina sarcastically. “I thought you were dead for six months. I didn’t think dead people cared about their houses being sold.”

 

“Fine,” said Mata Nui grudgingly. Then he glanced at the moving van and said, “Say, where are you moving to, anyway? Can I come with?”

 

“I’m moving . . .” Kiina’s voice trailed off. “You know, I don’t know. I just thought I’d go find an apartment somewhere or something and-“

 

“Apartments suck,” Mata Nui said. “You have to put up with loud, annoying neighbors, pay unfair rent, and deal with the fact that the last three tenants of your apartment were murdered in their sleep behind locked doors.”

 

“So what do you suggest we do, Mata Nui?” said Kiina, folding her arms. “Move back into the house?”

 

“No,” said Mata Nui, shaking his head solemnly. “Though our house has served us well through the years, I think it’s time we move on.”

 

“Move on? Move on where?”

 

“Wherever,” Mata Nui replied. “With my bike, the whole world is our playground. Why don’t we just wander the planet like a couple of nomads? We could do anything and go anywhere. Don’t you want that?”

 

“You know, you have a point,” said Kiina. “I was getting kind of sick of returning to this house. I want excitement and adventure, not comfort. I’ll go with you wherever you go, Mata Nui.”

 

“All right,” said Mata Nui as he got back on his bike. “Hop on, but don’t come crying to me if you fall off and break your skull open. I don’t have any extra helmets on board, so-“

 

Kiina jumped into the air and landed on the bike right behind Mata Nui. “I’ll be fine. A little motorcycle crash won’t hurt me.”

 

“Heh, that’s what the punk I stole this bike from said,” said Mata Nui. “Anyway, we are off!”

 

Kiina wrapped her arms around Mata Nui’s waist and, the next moment, they were off, riding into the sunset. That was kind of a dumb move, in my opinion, because it was rather difficult to see where one was going with the sun in one’s eyes, but I digress. It was a happy ending, after all, so perhaps they’d earned the right to be a little reckless with their lives.

 

THE END.

 

-

 

Thanks to all the readers who have followed this comedy trilogy over the past couple of years. It's been a great adventure, writing about Mata Nui and his demented little group of misfists and maniacs as they fight bad guys and do mind-blowingly awesome stuff, but now it is time we packed our bags and said good bye. All good things must come to an end (although I suppose you could debate whether the Legend Trilogy is a "good" thing or not ).

 

I certainly hope y'all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, for I enjoyed it quite a bit. Just remember that the legend never truly ends, for it will always live on in our hearts and minds (and in our nightmares, too, but as I have no good reason to scare you I shall not dwell on this point too long).

 

-TNTOS-