74 replies to this topic

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Hello everyone! It is I, Lewa0111 Nuva, back to the forums once again! As you are probably aware if you've read my blog or the first chapter of TNI, I've decided to rewrite the early chapters of most of my first comedies, since the old chapters were terribly low-quality and embarrassing, especially by my current standards. After the first few chapters, the remainder of the chapters of this comedy will be reposted mostly verbatim from the original so I can get right away to work writing new chapters!

If you want to read the original classic Ask Matau!, go here!

Also, even though these chapters are remakes of the original chapters, I will be accepting new questions for Matau! I will still be using the original questions sent in for the chapters I'm rewriting, but in addition to that I will also add new questions to the chapters if I receive them. Any "storyline" segments of the comedy will remain the same, though, and the characters and their amusing quirks will likewise stay the same. So, let's begin!

Ask Matau!
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Chapter 1: Embarrassing Moments

*Matau is seated behind an empty desk in the living room of his house, which has several large posters of himself on the walls*

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! ...I always wanted to loud-shout that. Welcome to Ask Matau! That's the show where you send me questions and I answer them in hilarious ways! So, first things first, let's begin. Computer, how many messages for--hey, wait a second! Where's my computer?

Orkahm: It still hasn't been delivered yet, Matau!

Matau: Where'd you come from? You're not even in this comedy!

Orkahm: I thought this was Ask Orkahm, no?

Matau: ...No, it isn't.

Orkahm: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

Matau: Why did he just throw leaves at me? Oh well. *brushes off the leaves* Anyway, if I don't have a computer, I suppose there's nothing left to do but wait for the Metru Nui Postal Service Matoran to show up!

*A Vohtarak walks in*

Vohtarak: Hey Matau! Did the computer come in yet? I want to play MNOG!

Matau: No, we're still waiting. And I already told you, you'll have to wait until my show is over, because I need the computer to answer questions with!

Vohtarak: Okay, fine. Just don't forget to tell me when it comes in! *walks into kitchen*

Matau: Oh, that's right. I forgot to mention that I adopted one of each Visorak after Vakama set them free. Pretty stupid of him, really, he could have had his own private army and taken over the world! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA-- Okay, that was bizarre.

*Doorbell rings*

Matau: *opens door* Here it is! Finally!

Metru Nui Postal Service Matoran (MNPSM): One package, straight from Onu-Metru Electronics, for a Mr. Metru.

Matau: My last name isn't "Metru!" But yes, that's me.

MNPSM: Here you go. *drops package on Matau, who gets crushed flat by the weight and leaves*

Matau: Ouch...I ordered a computer, not leaves!

MNPSM: Oh, but Onu-Metru Electronics is doing a promotion. Buy one computer at W599 or higher and get a free pile of leaves!

Matau: Fine, I'll douse them in cheese and feed them to Roporak I guess. Thanks, random Matoran!

MNPSM: You're welcome! Bye!

Matau: *pushes box off of himself* That was odd. But at least I've got my computer now! Let's open it up!

*Later...*

Matau: Ah, I finally got my computer set up! Time to start it up and...hey, wait a minute, it's white? What do they think this is, Ask Nuju The Nerd? Time to make some adjustments!

*Matau pulls out a bottle of Metru green spray paint and uses it to spray the computer...and the walls...and the ceiling...and himself...and the whole house*

Matau: Uh...maybe I got carried away? Who cares, let's just start this computer!

Computer: You have 3 new messages.

Matau: YOU CAN TALK!? AAAH! TALKING COMPUTER!

Computer: No, I can't talk. I was just telling you how many messages there are.

Matau: Oh, okay. ...Hey, wait a minute, you just talked! Just now!

Computer: No I didn't!

Matau: Oh, just shut up. Anyway, on to the e-mails. Computer, first question.

Dear Matau,

Have you ever gone out with Nokama?

From, Not Onewa

Matau: Do I really have to answer this?

Keelerak: Well, it is a show called "Ask Matau..."

Matau: You Visorak are so annoying.

Keelerak: Well, it's true!

Matau: Doesn't make it any less annoying. Anyway, to answer your question, yes, I have gone out with Nokama. There was this one time, for example, when we went to a restaurant...actually, let's just start a flashback!

[FLASHBACK]

*Nokama and Matau are at a table at the "Coliseum Cafe," a really fancy restaurant, and Matau is wearing a tie*

Random Matoran #35: *dressed as a waiter* What would you like to eat, sir and madam?

Matau: Nokama, ladies first!

Nokama: Why, thank you, Matau! Let's see, I think I'll have...hmm...well, this grilled Kane-Ra dinner looks good...actually, no, maybe the Vuata Maca salad...never mind, I think maybe...

*Five hours later*

Nokama: ...no, no, scratch that, I might want the Kikanalo Taco...wait, never mind, I think I prefer the...

Matau:

Nokama: ...no, no, wait, I've got it. I'll have the fish platter.

Matau: *muttering* That took long enough...

RM#35: Okay. And you, sir?

Matau: I'll have the fried Muaka drumstick dinner.

RM#35: Very well, let me just write down your order... *accidentally grabs Matau's tie instead of his pencil*

Matau: *choking noises* Can't...breathe! Help!

Nokama: Matau, would you stop clowning around?

RM#35: One...fried...Muaka...drumstick...dinner...and...

Matau: Nokama...help...tie!

Nokama: This isn't funny, Matau!

Matau: Not...a...joke...

*Kongu, seated at the table behind them, stands up and snaps a picture of Matau*

Kongu:

Matau: Help...me...Kongu

RM#35: ...one...fish...platter...

Nokama: Is something wrong, Matau?

*Random Matoran #35 lets go of the tie, which smacks into Matau, slingshotting him out the window and sending him flying all the way across Metru Nui, smashing into the Prison of the Dark Hunters and smashing into Nidhiki and Krekka, and all three of them fly all the way around the world and land back in the Coliseum Cafe, landing on top of Nokama*

Nokama: MATAU!! I SAID STOP CLOWNING AROUND!!

Nidhiki: Oog...

Krekka: Uh...what's that word I'm supposed to say when it hurts again? Oh yeah: "Ow!"

Kongu:

[/FLASHBACK]

All Visorak:

Matau: IT WASN'T FUNNY! And by the way, Kongu was in for a lot of pain that evening... Okay, enough embarrassing flashbacks, next question!

Computer: Displaying Question 2.

Matau,

How come in Legends of Metru Nui you kept bumping into things whenever Nokama was around?

From, Definitely Not Onewa

Matau: What are you talking about? I never bumped into things, ever! Computer, next ques--

Keelerak: Hold it! Here, Matau, let's watch the movie.

*Keelerak pulls out a DVD of LoMN and puts it in the DVD player, skipping to a scene*

Vakama (voiceover): ...It was an age when brave Matoran like Matau would selflessly test the latest innovations with foolhardy courage!

Matau: *riding a vehicle* Whoa! *breaks steering handle* Whoops!

*Matau's vehicle crashes into something and Matau goes flying*

Matau: That doesn't count, Nokama wasn't around!

Keelerak: She was in the stands!

Matau: Okay, fine. So I crashed ONCE. Big deal.

Nokama: Come on! *leaps perfectly into chute*

Matau: What are you waiting for? *pushes Vakama in, who also somehow lands perfectly in the chute*

*Matau jumps in*

Matau: Woohoohoohoo! Whoahahaha!

*SPLAT!*

Keelerak: Well?

Matau: ...Okay, fine, so I crashed into something twice when Nokama was around. That doesn't mean anything!

Keelerak: We'll see... *skips to another scene*

Matau: Phew. That was clo--o--ooooose!

Vakama: Matau!

Matau: AAAAAAAAAAH! *sees ground approaching very quickly* Uh-oh.

*Matau's weapons suddenly transform into wings*

Matau: Ha-ha-HAAAAA!

Vakama: Has he found his mask power?

Matau: Woo-hoo! Look at me! I can--

*SPLAT!*

Nokama: Maybe not.

Matau: Wind...fly...

Matau: Okay, I admit it! I crashed into things a lot! Happy?

Oohnorak: No, you still didn't answer the question!

Matau: Fine. Well, I crashed into things because I was distracted by Nokama's charm! Anybody would be distracted if she was around!

Keelerak: Vakama wasn't.

Matau: He was too busy blaming himself for everything, that's why. Computer, next question!

Dear Matau,

What was your most embarrassing moment? And can you send me a video clip so that I can NOT send it to Nokama to make her go out with Onewa instead of you?

From, No This Is Totally Not Onewa Whatever Made You Think Of That?

Matau: Well, my most embarrassing moment? Let's see, that would have to be... *reads the rest of the question* Hey, wait a minute. Something seems suspicious. Nice try, Onewa! Computer, respond to this message.

Computer: Sending your reply now.

*At Onewa's house...*

Onewa's Computer: You've got mail!

Onewa: Awesome! I bet it's Matau's most embarrassing moment. Let's read.

"Not Onewa,"

Here's a file like you requested. Just open it right away, okay?

From, "Not Matau"

[Attached file: C/Users/matauisawesome/Program Files/LiteralElementsPlus/literalairmail.exe]

Onewa: Awesome, let's open that file and...

Computer: You've got Literal Air Mail!

Onewa: What the--AAH! *A tornado erupts from his computer and blasts him into the wall*

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,381 words.

Lewa0111 Nuva

Edited by Lewa0111 Nuva, Oct 15 2011 - 10:50 PM.

[Mesonak]

Awesome. The greatest Ask Comedy to hit the forum's back! I remember Ask Matau fondly (one of the first things I read upon joining BZP) and I'm very glad to see it return.

The Visorak are as funny as ever, and I'm excited by the prospect of new segments being included. Maybe I'll send in a question or two....

-Mesonak

[Applejack]

That was pretty funny. The part about the restaurant made me laugh.

[Toa Kapurkar--Rail Blazer]

The Ask Comedy that started it all is--oh wait. I guess that would be Ask Tahu, wouldn't it? Oh well, the greatest Ask Comedy makes its debut!

And what a debut it is! Jokes new and old congregate in the first chapter, and while bits of the old are present, the new still brings laughs! The next chapter shall be great!

Edited by Kapurkar: Toa of Transport, Oct 16 2011 - 11:34 AM.

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Thanks for all the positive reviews, everyone! Don't forget, you can still send in questions for Matau...

Ask Matau!
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Chapter 2: Nokama

*In Matau's living room, having had the green paint washed off since last time...*

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions and I answer them in hilarious ways!

*Vohtarak runs in*

Vohtarak: Matau, can I use the computer? I need to find that gear in Ga-Koro! I looked everywhere!

Matau: No, I'm about to start my show, and I need the computer to answer questions! And the gear is underwater.

Vohtarak: REALLY? Thanks! So can I use the computer now?

Matau: ...I already said no...

Vohtarak: Fine. *goes upstairs*

Matau: I never knew Visorak could climb stairs. Anyway, on to the questions. Computer, how many messages for me?

Computer: Accessing your inbox: matauisawesome@toametru.com. You have 382,087,239,847,597,298,738,475 new messages.

Matau: #$%& Spam! Delete all spam, computer.

Computer: BRAAMP! Deleted!

Matau: What's with the "BRAAMP?"

Computer: I don't know, it's fun?

Matau: Whatever. How many messages now?

Computer: 4 new messages for Matau.

Matau: That's better. Computer, open the first message.

Do you like to fly? Can you control air? Do you enjoy running into things? Then come to the Skydiving Club, where we teach you to skydive! Only 20 easy payments of W5.99!

Matau: I thought I told you to delete all the spam!

Computer: But I thought you met all the requirements!

Matau: No. Next REAL message, please.

Computer: Message 2.

Hey Matau, Want to jump in some Lava? I'll give you super Toa-Hero powers and you still will be handsome,

Signed - Some Random Toa guy thingy

Matau: Super Toa-Hero powers? Awesome! Just let me find some lava.

All Visorak: ... ... DON'T FALL FOR IT!

Matau: But I'll be handsome!

Boggarak: It's a lost cause.

*Nokama walks in*

Nokama: Hi, Matau, I was just--hey, why are you trying to jump into a pit of lava? What's going on here?

Keelerak: He thinks it'll give him super Toa-Hero powers and make him handsome. Stupid spammers.

Nokama: MATAU, DON'T FALL FOR IT!

Matau: Nokama... Okay, if you say so!

Everyone else: Phew.

Keelerak: He can be a bit of a moron sometimes...

Nokama: You mean most of the time.

Matau: I agree with Nokama! ...Hey, wait...

Nokama: Let's just go on to the next question. This is an interesting show. I saw the first episode on Metru-TV last night!

Matau: Including the flashback?

Nokama: Yep.

Matau: And the Legends of Metru Nui clips?

Nokama: Yep.

Matau: Why is my life so embarrassing? Oh well. Let's keep going with the questions.

Computer: Next message.

What do you think about the other toa?

From: Dylaconua

Matau: Finally, a real question! This is the first one we've gotten all chapter, funnily enough...

Nokama & All Visorak: GET ON WITH IT!

Matau: Okay, fine. If I had to put them in order from 1 to 6, I'd go with:
1. Matau
2. Matau
3. Nokama
4. Matau
5. Matau
6. The others
I'm obviously the most awesome Toa-Hero ever to live on Metru Nui, so the first two are obvious. Nokama is third because she's such a HOTTIE!

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Matau: What was that for?

Nokama: You figure it out.

Matau: Fine. As I was saying, though, the 4th and 5th choices are because I'm so awesome there isn't enough room in the first two slots to fit it all, and as for the others...Onewa's annoying, Nuju is a super nerd, and Vakama always blames himself for everything.

Nokama: Vakama doesn't blame himself!

*Vakama walks in*

Vakama: It's all my fault that I blame myself for everything!

*Vakama leaves*

Matau: You were saying...?

Nokama: I guess you do have a point there.

Matau: So we're dating now?

Nokama: No--what--huh? Me agreeing with you doesn't count as a date! *SLAP!*

Matau:

Roporak: I love watching Matau get injured! Cheesy popcorn, anyone?

All Other Visorak: No thanks.

Roporak: Yay, more for me! CHEESE! *eats entire box of cheesy popcorn in one bite*

Matau: i am not your etmnetrtainment go watch yuor foot if im that amuuzing

Keelerak: Great, now he's turning into a noob spammer.

Matau: I am not! That was just a relapse! Computer, next message.

Dear Matau,

What is your favorite adventure you have been on?
P.S. Nuju ordered a giant mallet from me and will smah you.

--Dylaconua

Matau: What? Nuju?

*Matau turns around to see Nuju with a giant mallet, trying to smah Matau*

Matau: Ha! You didn't say you'd smash me, you said you'd smah me! And "smah" isn't a word!

Nuju: You're right...darn it! *disappears*

Keelerak: You still haven't answered the question.

Matau: What question? Oh, right. Well, my favorite adventure probably has to be the time I convinced Vakama to ride one of my vehicles around the Test Track. That was back when we were still Matoran...time for a flashback!

[FLASHBACK]

*Matau and Vakama (as Matoran) are standing in the Test Track, with Matau's LoMN vehicle parked behind him*

Matau: Oh, come on, it's fun! I've done it loads of times!

Vakama: No, it's all my fault.

Matau: I'll pay you three widgets if you try it!

Vakama: It's all my fault you have to pay me three widgets!

Matau: *sigh* Okay, then you pay me three widgets if you fly it.

Vakama: But then it's all my fault that I'm paying you three widgets!

Matau: How about I ride it with you, and we forget the widgets?

Vakama: Okay!

*They board the vehicle and fly through the Test Track. On one of the curves, Vakama goes flying off and splats into the wall, while Matau keeps going. He runs into Toa Lhikan and...you know the rest.*

Matau: Thanks, Lhikan! *grabs Toa Stone and walks over to Vakama* Hey Vakama, wasn't that fun? Let's do it again!

Vakama: It's all my fault I hit the wall!

Matau: Never mind, forget it. Maybe next time I can get Orkahm to fly it with me instead.

[/FLASHBACK]

Matau: That was awesome! Actually, seeing that flashback makes me want to build a Toa-sized version of that vehicle so I can do that again...Okay, computer, next question!

Computer: You have no new messages.

Matau: What, really?

Computer: Well, unless you want to read that Skydiving Club message again...

Matau: No thanks. I guess that's the end of the show, so I think I'll go work on making a new vehicle. Nokama, want to join me?

Nokama: No thanks. I have to go...um...iron my...toothpaste. Bye!

Vohtarak: So can I play MNOG now?

Matau: Fine.

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,104 words.

Lewa0111 Nuva

Edited by Lewa0111 Nuva, Oct 16 2011 - 08:56 PM.

[Applejack]

Slightly less funny then the first, but I still liked it. Haven't gotten any new questions yet?
And how many chapters did the original one have?

[Solare]

Hey, I remember this, a great comedy has become a great remake

Edited by Solare, Oct 17 2011 - 10:16 AM.

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Thanks for replying, both of you! The original had over 50 chapters. (Not sure on the exact number, I stopped posting chapter numbers fairly early on.) And no, still haven't gotten any new questions...

Ask Matau!
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Chapter 3: A Virus

Matau: "A Virus?" What does that mean, Lewa0111?

Lewa0111: You'll find out...

Matau: Oh.

Keelerak: Umm...Matau? Who are you talking to?

Matau: The author, of course!

Keelerak:

Vohtarak: Hey, Matau, since you're busy talking to invisible authors, can I play MNOG?

Matau: No, you can't! You just beat Ga-Koro anyway, isn't that enough for a while?

Vohtarak: No, now I'm trying to figure out what to do in Po-Koro!

Matau: Fine, just wait until after my show.

Vohtarak: But you didn't start your show today!

Matau: I'm about to!

*Matau walks into his living room and sits down at his computer desk*

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam) and I answer them in hilarious ways! Computer, how many messages for me today?

Computer: You have -44 new messages.

Matau: How can I have negative messages? Is that even possible?

Computer: I don't know, that's just what it says.

Matau: Umm...well, okay, first question then, I guess...

Computer: Displaying first message.

Matau,

Why are you always mean to Vakama?

from, Tarakava95

Matau: I am not mean to Vakama!

Vakama: I beg to differ.

Matau: Stop quoting yourself from other movies! And why did you break into my house?

Vakama: It's all my fault that I broke into your house!

*Vakama jumps out a window and runs away*

Matau: That was bizarre. Anyway, to answer your question, I have three very good reasons for not liking Vakama. A) The way he blames himself for everything gets really annoying. It's hilarious the first few times he does it, especially when it makes it easier to play pranks on him, but eventually I just get sick of it. He tried to knock me off a cliff a while back, luckily he forgot I had wings so I didn't get hurt, I'm just really cool like that! C) A while ago, there was this incident in his forge where--

Boggarak: I know this might seem like a stupid question, but WHY in Mata-Nui's name did you put an emoticon in your list?

Matau: What are you talking about? I didn't use any emoticons just then!

Boggarak: Yes you did.

Matau: Oh. Huh, that's weird. I meant to type A), then the letter that comes after A, then C). Apparently that makes it into an emoticon.

Boggarak: Why is my life so ridiculous?

*Boggarak wanders off somewhere*

Matau: Anyway, my third reason for disliking Vakama is that once, I came to visit him in his forge, and...actually, this sounds like a good time for a flashback.

[FLASHBACK]

Matoran Vakama: Thanks for visiting my forge, Matau. I needed your help to cool down this super-hot furnace with your air powers.

Matoran Matau: But I'm a Matoran, we don't have any powers.

Matoran Vakama: Oh...well, in that case, I needed your help to...umm...wash my...ceiling.

Matau: We're too short to reach your ceiling, though!

Vakama: Really? Then how about cleaning my bathroom?

Matau: BIONICLE characters don't even need bathrooms!

Vakama: Well, then, I needed you to...umm...just stand here for a minute.

Matau: This seems awfully suspicious...

Vakama: Relax, it's perfectly fine.

*Nokama walks in*

Matoran Nokama: Oh, hi, Matau! Vakama told me you'd be here, but he didn't say what was going on.

Matau: Vakama's being weird today, haven't you noticed?

*Vakama slips a whoopie cushion onto Matau's chair*

Vakama:

Matau: What are you smiling about?

Vakama:

Matau: *sits down*

Nokama: MATAU! I am sick and tired of your practical jokes! That's disgusting! *storms off angrily*

Vakama: I had nothing to do with it.

Matau: VAKAMA! I HATE YOU!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

Vakama: Yes, you're right! It's all my fault! It's all my fault that it's all my fault!

[/FLASHBACK]

Matau: On the plus side, though, Vakama's done nothing but blame himself for things ever since. So he doesn't stand a chance of going out with Nokama instead of me! Onewa, on the other hand...there's a Toa to watch out for.

Keelerak: That flashback sure did explain a lot.

Matau: Whatever, next question!

Matau,

SPAM.

From, Krekka Um...uh..."Kerkka!"

Matau: Nice try, Krekka! Revenge time!

*At Krekka's house (actually a cave in the wall)*

Krekka's computer: You've got mail!

Krekka: AAAAAAAAHH! It's alive! MOMMY!

Krekka,

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAMITY SPAM SPAM SPAMSPAM SPAM SPAMMY MCSPAM SPAM SPAMMERTON THE 2ND SPAMMER SPAM SPAM!

From, "Mtaau"

[Attached file: C/Users/matauisawesome/Program Files/LiteralElementsPlus/literalairmail.exe]

Krekka: Duuuuuuh...I think I'll open this file now.

*A tornado erupts out of his computer and blasts him away*

Krekka: Duuuuuuh...where did the ground go?

*At Matau's house*

Matau: I love that program. Next question!

Hey Matau

Will you jump into volcanoes? I know one of them is really a hollowed out mountain with a mask that will make you a even greater Toa-Hero self, And theres a map in the Great Furnace, I'd jump in there if I were you

Signed- Some Other Random Toa Guy

Matau: Hmm...sounds like fun! Let's go to the Great Furnace! I want that mask, it would be awesome!

Boggarak: No, Matau, don't!

Keelerak: Yeah, that sounds like a really bad idea! Don't you agree, guys?

Oohnorak: Yeah!

Vohtarak: Obviously, yes...

Suukorak: ... (Translation: Yes)

Roporak: CHEESE!

Boggarak: *sighs* Roporak really needs to join Cheese-Obsessed Maniacs Anonymous.

Matau: I don't care what you all think, I'm going to get that mask and no one will stop me! Off to the Great Furnace I go!

*Nokama walks in*

Nokama: Matau, stop! This guy's evil!

Matau: Oh, okay. In that case...want to help me get revenge?

Nokama: Sure. I hate threat mail senders.

Keelerak: Why does he only listen to Nokama?

Oohnorak: The world may never know.

Some Other Random Toa Guy,

Here's a video of me jumping into the Great Furnace! Open it right away!

From, Matau
P.S. You have to open both parts at the exact same time to get the...full effect.

[Attached file: C/Users/matauisawesome/Program Files/LiteralElementsPlus/literalairmail.exe]
[Attached file: C/Users/beautyinblue/Program Files/LiteralElementsPlus/literalwatermail.exe]

Some Other Random Toa Guy: Awesome! Let's open these files and--Oh no...

*A wave of energized protodermis blasts him in the face and turns him into a monkey*

Monkey: Ooh ooh aah aah!

*Back at Matau's house*

Matau: That was satisfying. And it's all thanks to my awesomeness! And Nokama's hotness, of course.

*SLAP!*

Matau:

Nokama: And that was satisfying too! Computer, let's move on to the next question, as long as I'm here.

Computer: Sure thing! Next message.

Matau,

MUAHAHAHA! I have infected your computer with a virus that makes your inbox display random numbers of messages instead of the normal amount! It will also activate another function in chapter...umm...uh...five! Beware!

Bob the Pirate

Nokama: Who's this loser?

Matau: No idea, but that's the stupidest name I've ever heard of. Who has an emoticon in their name? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Nokama: That is pretty funny...

Matau: So we're dating now?

Nokama: Whatever gave you the idea that me agreeing with you counts as a date? NO!

Matau:

Vohtarak: *runs into the living room* Can I play MNOG now?

Matau: No, we still have more questions to answer! ...Right, Computer?

Computer: No new messages.

Matau: WHAT? Oh, fine. Go ahead. Nokama, want to go and--

Nokama: Sorry, I have to go comb my mask.

*Nokama leaves*

Matau: That's Nokama! Always so busy!

*All the Visorak sigh*

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,233 words.

Lewa0111 Nuva

[Applejack]

I actually laughed at that part with the whoopie cushion!
love this comedy!

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Thanks for the reply, OmiShad! (Hmm, still no questions here though...)

Oh well!

Ask Matau!
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Chapter 4: Too Many Flashbacks

*Vohtarak is sitting at Matau's desk in the living room, playing MNOG on the computer*

Vohtarak: Yeah! Take that, Nui-Jaga! Okay, now I guess I've beaten Po-Koro! Let's head over to Onu-Koro and...

*Matau enters*

Matau: Vohtarak...

Vohtarak: What? I'm busy!

Matau: You know it's time for my show!

Vohtarak: But I'm finally on the way to Onu-Koro...

Matau: I don't care, I need the computer! Now get off!

Vohtarak: No!

Matau: Do I really have to make you get off?

Vohtarak: Ooh, hey, an Ussal crab!

Matau: *sigh* Fine, don't say I didn't warn you...

*Matau summons a windstorm that blows Vohtarak off the chair and into the kitchen*

Vohtarak: HEEEEeeeeeeeeyyyyyy...

*A loud crash is heard from the kitchen*

Roporak: (from kitchen) NO! My gigantic Toa-Sized cheeseball! How dare you, Vohtarak?

Vohtarak: It wasn't my fault!

Roporak: CHEESE!

Matau: Problem solved! *sits at computer* Anyway...HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau! the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses) and I answer them in hilarious ways! So, computer, how many messages for me today?

Computer: You have 9,238,284,554,293,847,952,839,482,769,856 new messages.

Matau: Delete the spam.

Computer: BRAAMP! Deleted!

Matau: What's with the--you know what, never mind. How many messages now?

Computer: You have 328,674,550 new messages.

Matau: WHAT!? There's no spam and I still have that many?

Computer: Guess so.

*Oohnorak walks in*

Oohnorak: What are you screaming about, Matau?

Matau: I deleted all of the spam, but I still have billions of messages!

Oohnorak: I'll fix it!

Matau: You're good with computers? I never knew that.

Oohnorak: What are you talking about? I'm good with everything!

*Oohnorak changes a few settings on the computer*

Oohnorak: There! Fixed!

Matau: Computer, how many messages for me?

Computer: laisjlkaejhglirhalgkhaldifgliadh;origujidasfksdhljghsdlkuglisudhrlueaoliejglsdigju;osdlfoigj

Matau: OOHNORAK!

Oohnorak:

Matau: You just made it worse!

*Keelerak walks in*

Keelerak: Matau, why are you screaming at Oohnorak?

Matau: HE RUINED MY COMPUTER! :burnma--

Keelerak: Whoa, whoa, slow down! No need for that emoticon, we're indoors, remember? What's happening?

Matau: Well, first, I deleted all the spam, but I still had billions of messages. Then Oohnorak said he could fix it but he just made the computer spout random gibberish.

Keelerak: Oohnorak, go away.

Oohnorak: Fine. *He leaves*

*Keelerak changes a few things on the computer*

Keelerak: Well, I undid Oohnorak's gibberish, at least. As for the number of messages, I think that's still part of Bob the Pirate's virus that he sent in last chapter. You probably have more like 4 messages.

Matau: Oh, okay. Good.

Keelerak: Happy to help!

Matau: Computer, display the first message.

Matau,

What is your favorite place in Metru Nui? Please be specific.

Signed, your friend, Dylaconua
P.S. Smah means smash in the language of Krekka, which Nuju was speaking in.
P.S.S. All the toa Metru have giant mallets.
P.S.S.S. They will smash you.
P.S.S.S.S. Can I be your announcer?

Matau: Whoa, too many P.S.'s! Let's take this one at a time. In order: first, what is my favorite place in Metru Nui? The Test Track, of course! Where I get to drive fast and show off my cool moves to Nokama!

Boggarak: Matau, Nokama's never even been to the Test Track.

Matau: Yes she has! That one time when I got my Toa Stone from Lhikan, remember?

Boggarak: We've already seen two flashbacks from that day, and both times involved you crashing and burning. What "cool moves" were you referring to, again?

Matau: Umm...we can show the flashback again if you want...

Boggarak: NO!

Matau: Fine. Sheesh, what do you Visorak have against flashbacks, anyway?

Keelerak: It's not a Visorak thing. It's just Boggarak's thing.

Boggarak: Shut up. Just finish answering the message, Matau!

Matau: Okay, sure. So, smah means smash in the language of Krekka? Who cares? Krekka's dumb!

Krekka: *randomly appears* Me no dumb!

Matau: And he talks like a cavematoran!

Krekka: Me no talk like cavematoran!

Matau: And he doesn't even belong in this comedy!

Krekka: Me belong in comedy!

Lewa0111: I'll take care of this.

*Lewa0111 teleports Krekka out of the comedy*

Matau: That was...odd. Anyway, for the next part of the question: So all the Toa Metru have giant mallets and will smash me? Well, ALL THE METRU means so do I! And I also have two aero slicers! So they won't get close!

*Onewa and Nuju appear and tries to smash Matau*

Matau: Get out of here. *blows them out the door*

Vakama: It's all my fault that this mallet appeared in my hand! It's all my fault that Onewa and Nuju got blown away! It's all my fault that it's all my fault!

*Matau slams the door on him*

Matau: Told you they weren't a threat. And no, you can't be my announcer. This comedy doesn't even have an announcer!

Keelerak: You could take GS's, though.

Matau: "GS?" As in, "Great Super" Matau? I'm already in this comedy!

Keelerak: *sigh* No, "GS" as in "Guest Star!"

Matau: Oh. Then never mind, we already take guest questions, I think that's enough. So are we done with this ridiculously long message, then?

Keelerak: Yep.

Matau: FINALLY! ...Though it was fun too, in a way. Computer, next message!

Computer: Coming right up!

Dear Matua,

What is your favorite vehicle?

Signed,
Dylaconua

Matau: HEY! You spelled my name wrong, "Dylacouan!" I'm calling you that from now on!

All Visorak: GET ON WITH IT!

Matau: Okay, okay, fine. My favorite vehicle...hmm, that's a tough one. I really liked my flying bike, and my race car, and the Vahki transport I drove, and of course those awesome airships we flew to Mata Nui, but I guess my favorite has to be the "Swamp Chopper" I invented when we got to Mata Nui the first time. Unfortunately, I had to get rid of it to build the Lhikan II...Flashback, anyone?

*Boggarak groans*

[FLASHBACK]

*On the shore of Mata Nui, near the Lhikan II...*

Onewa: All set! Nuju, how's those advanced math physics coming along?

Nuju: I've completed the task assigned to my manner of performance.

Nokama: *activates mask* Translation: It's finished.

Onewa: We're missing an engine, though. Anyone know where that engine I brought with us went?

*The other Toa shrug*

Matau: WHEEEE! Hey, look at me, Nokama!

*Matau bursts out from the swamp and onto the beach, flying his "Swamp Chopper" over the waves*

Matau: This is totally awesome!

Onewa: Matau! We need that engine!

Matau: No you don't! I do!

Onewa: Fine, you asked for this...

*Onewa grabs Matau's vehicle with giant pillars of rock and dismantles it*

Matau: My Swamp Chopper...

[/FLASHBACK]

Matau: I miss that thing. Hey, maybe I should rebuild it now that I'm on Metru Nui again!

Boggarak: That sounds like a terrible idea.

Matau: You're no fun. Oh well, next message, computer!

Okay Matau, I don't think you'll get Nokama...I think Vakama will(no hard feeling, though).
What would respond to something like that?

--Hahligirl56

Matau: Hey, WHAT? That moron will get Nokama? No way!

Keelerak: Stop complaining, at least it's a real message and not random threats or spam.

Matau: Good point. Anyway, Hahligirl56 (your name should really be Nokamagirl56 by the way), there's no way that Nokama would ever choose Vakama over me. Not after that one time...Flashback time!

Boggarak: Not a flashback!

Lewa0111: Too bad! I'm the author, so there!

*Boggarak teleports to the middle of the Bara Magnan desert*

Lewa0111: I love author powers. Anyway, let's start your flashback, Matau!

[FLASHBACK]

*In the sea near the Great Temple, Nokama is swimming around by the shore*

Nokama: Whee! This is the life.

*She notices Vakama and Matau standing on the shore*

Nokama: Vakama! Want to join me?

Vakama: No, it's all my fault.

Nokama: What is?

Vakama: It's all my fault.

Nokama: You're weird.

Vakama: It's all my fault for being weird!

Nokama: Okay then...

Matau: I'll join you instead, Nokama! *dives into the water*

Nokama: Wow, I never knew you could swim, Matau!

Matau: There's a first time for everything!

Vakama: It's all my fault Matau can swim!

Nokama: Hey Matau, race you to the Great Temple and back!

Matau: Sure, you're on!

*They race to the Great Temple and back. Nokama wins easily, but Matau eventually catches up to her*

Vakama: It's all my fault Nokama won the race!

Matau: Nokama...

Vakama: It's all my fault Matau loves Nokama!

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Vakama: It's all my fault Nokama slapped Matau!

Nokama and Matau: SHUT UP!!

Matau: ...Hey, does this mean we're dating?

Nokama: NO!

Vakama: It's all my fault you told me to shut up!

Nokama: ...Vakama, you are so strange I am never talking to you again.

Vakama: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Matau: CRYBABY!!

[/FLASHBACK]

Matau: Ha ha, Vakama told me never to show that flashback ever! And he's never found out that I did!

Computer: You have 5,621,469,235,580,796,374,082,730,842,345,213,467 new messages from "Vakama."

Matau: Until now, apparently...

Computer: Next question!

Matau,

This is a reminder that you have only one more chapter until the virus takes effect! ALL YoUr BaSe ArE bElOnG tO uS. Soon, I will take over this comedy!

--Bob the Pirate

P.S. Keelerak, how dare you forget the emoticon on the end of my name at the start of this chapter?

Matau: Oh, not this moron again. Although, I have to admit, I'm a bit worried about what that virus will do...

Oohnorak: I'm not! No virus can stand up to my awesomeness!

Matau: And they say I'm egotistical?

Keelerak: I'm amazed that he still remembered what I said all the way at the beginning of the chapter.

Matau: Oh well. Computer, next message.

Computer: No new messages.

Matau: Really? Darn. Oh well, I guess that means it's time to end the chapter...Keep sending in questions for me, the Matoran Universe's greatest Toa-Hero of all time!

Oohnorak: And they say I'm egotistical?

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,662 words.

Lewa0111 Nuva

[Toa Kapurkar--Rail Blazer]

Hmmm...interesting. I don't remember all of the flashbacks in those chapters before. Must be new ones.

And you're taking questions? Remind me to send some. Anyhow, the best part in this chapter was probably the "All the Metru have Mallets" part. That gives me an idea for a question...

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Xten Pahctre!

...Huh?

Aks Matua
Z BIYONIKKEL comideh bai Im!
Pahctre S: Wreid Fstuf

Matau: What does that gibberish mean?

Lewa0111: Huh, no idea. I meant to write, "Chapter 5: Weird Stuff."

Matau: That's strange. I'd better start my show, though.

*Matau walks into the living room to see Vohtarak on his computer*

Vohtarak: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Matau: What? And get off the computer, it's time for my show to start!

Vohtarak: I had just made it to the sundial when the computer went crazy!

Matau: Oh, come on, the computer's fine! It's not like Oohnorak has been messing with it again or anything, after all...

Keelerak: That's true. I made sure he stayed well away from it.

Matau: Either way, I've got to start the show, so get off!

Vohtarak: No.

Matau: Do I really have to blast you out of the chair again?

Vohtarak: Okay, okay, I'm leaving! The computer wasn't working right anyway!

Matau: *shrugs* That was easy.

*Matau sits down at the desk*

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau! the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail) and I answer them in hilarious ways! Computer, how many messages for me today?

Computer: Aaosiuhfihaoiueyhuiahsleughaliuhgliahleurhglkajdfbkhdhkjhgliuewtigoia7eyt4i8yioylqo3ijhlghliusoipuserpihihifg.

Matau: What?

Computer: Daskqwnetkx 1.

From Why,
Matau do Geno) think you're *Toa* aka?

Dear,
Geno, aherm of Magic (handsome Toa you

Matau: Umm...what? I can't even understand this, what's going on here? What's wrong with the computer...oh, no. This is chapter 5, isn't it?

Keelerak: Yep.

Matau: THE VIRUS!! Run for your lives!

*Matau jumps up from the computer chair, but suddenly turns into a 2-D image and grows fur*

Keelerak: What's going on--AAAH!

*Keelerak spontaneously combusts and gets stuck on the wall*

Boggarak: What's going on now, guys? ...Guys? Matau? Keelerak?

*Boggarak deflates like a balloon and flies away*

Computer: Daihefriwaehrlkthag akejdoijsierjmv 2.

Matau,

gone you storyline metru the leader of the toa been how would the would've have If?

Vohtarak: Awesome, now the computer is free! Time to play MNOG and--

*A huge cursor lands on Vohtarak, picking him up and dragging him to a randomly appeared "recycle bin" icon*

Oohnorak: I swear, it wasn't me!

*Oohnorak disappears and reappears on the roof*

Roporak: Cheese?

*Roporak dissolves into a puddle and floats away*

Cksdjfoiwejkkvn: Maweijjxjks apoiuerijsdf 3

MUAHAHAHAHAHA!! Do you like my virus? Now to take over the comedy!

--Bob the Pirate

*Bob the Pirate enters the house*

Bob the Pirate: Ha! My virus was a success! Now no one shall stop me from taking over this comedy for myself! Arrrgh! Time to sit down and read some messages! Computer, how many messages for me?

Chawiejoitgjsa: Yuy haz p8djhglkasjligui3wu9283rhkjko kjalskejfn asoiueofyolaisuouysaoiuier.

Bob the Pirate: Oh, right. I forgot to turn the virus off again.

*Bob the Pirate takes a transmitter out of his hat and pushes a button, returning everything to normal*

Bob the Pirate: Much better. Computer, how many messages for me today?

Computer: You have just received 1987365982649871940278670738430137650834769728094t0732085708375082764067 from "Matau," "Keelerak," "Roporak," "Boggarak," "Vohtarak," "Suukorak," "Oohnorak," "Lewa0111 Nuva," "Nokama," "Kapurkar," "OmiShad," "Solare," "Mesonak," and "Caption Writing Guy."

Bob the Pirate: Caption Writing Guy?

*Yeah! You'll pay for taking over this comedy, Bob the Pirate!*

Bob the Pirate: No! You forgot the pirate emoticon on the end of my name! How dare you!?!?!?!?

Pohatu: By the way, I love exclamation points and question marks together!

Lewa0111: Get back to your own comedy, Pohatu.

*Lewa0111 kicks Pohatu back to The Nuva Inn*

Bob the Pirate: Well, I might as well start my own Ask comedy now. Computer, delete all the spam.

Computer: No spam detected. You have 1987365982649871940278670738430137650834769728094t0732085708375082764067 new messages.

Bob the Pirate: What do you mean, there's no spam?

Computer: You said to delete spam, not threats! Give Matau back his comedy, or else!

Bob the Pirate: Never. Get out of here.

*Bob the Pirate shoves the computer into a trash can and pulls out a laptop decorated with pirate emoticons*

Bob the Pirate: Ah, my brand new iPirate Computer the Headbanger . Let's use this instead, and--wait, who are you?

Zaktan: I'm Zaktan, and nobody's allowed to shove characters into trash cans except me! Die, Bob the Pirate!

Bob the Pirate: AAAAAHH! And how dare you forget the emoticon?

Zaktan: Who cares?

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 719 words. (Short chapter, I know. Blame it on Bob's virus.)

Lewa0111 Nuva

[Touko Fukawa]

Yay! Comedies are back! Like the remakes, and the new content goes well with the old. However, my heart cries out for running jokes. This is hilarious, and I hope no evil hiatus descends upon this. Can't wait till next chapter!

[Toa Smoke Monster]

This is one of the few BZP comedies that always makes me laugh with each chapter. All the characters are freshed out and funny. I'll send in a question or two, as soon as I can think of some good ones.

[Toa Kapurkar--Rail Blazer]

Let me guess--next chapter, Matau takes a look at those messages again.

Short chapter? Well yeah, I guess so...curse you Bob the Pirate!

Still a good chapter. That's a lot of threat messages...too bad he didn't look at any of them.

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Thanks for the reviews, everyone! And for the questions!

This chapter features a new question sent in by Kapurkar.

Ask Matau!
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Chapter 6: Normal at Last

Matau: Normal at last? Good.

Boggarak: Has this comedy ever been normal?

Matau: Huh...come to think of it, not really. Oh well, let's just sit down and--

*A cannon blasts him out of his house to some random location*

Bob the Pirate: Yarrharharr! This be my comedy now! Welcome to Ask Bob the Pirate where I answer your pitiful excuses for questions and answer them in awesome ways!

*Bob the Pirate sets up a laptop with a pirate emoticon on the lid*

Bob the Pirate: iPirate Computer the Headbanger , how many messages for me today?

iPirate Computer the Headbanger: Accessing inbox: piratesrule@emoticonvillains.com. You have 108,237,498,270,687,986,765 new messages.

Bob the Pirate: Delete the spam.

iPirate Computer the Headbanger: You still have 108,237,498,270,687,986,765 new messages.

Bob the Pirate: What?? Oh, fine. Let's answer the first question.

Bob the Pirate,
PIE!! PIE!! PIE!! I LIKE PIE!! AND PI!! 3.1415926...

From, Tava.

P.S. PIE!!

Bob the Pirate: How dare you forget the emoticon on the end of my name? And who is this loser, anyway?

iPirate Computer the Headbanger: According to my databases, he is a character from another one of Lewa0111's comedies, "The Nuva Inn."

Bob the Pirate: Grr, I hate comedies!

iPirate Computer the Headbanger: But you're in one, boss...

Bob the Pirate,

What is the meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything?

Lewa0111

Bob the Pirate: I...I...I don't know!! Waaaaaaah!

Lewa0111:

Bob the Pirate: Shut up! Next question, iPirate Computer.

Bob the Pirate,

Ever been hit by a mallet? Not like a hammer, like SVRy 250 or 251. No? Let me show you.

Toa Kapurkar-Rail Blazer

Bob the Pirate: Will you stop forgetting the emoticon?

Kapurkar: Nah, it's too much fun to see you go nuts over it.

Bob the Pirate: Why you...you...

Kapurkar: Oh, by the way, look behind you.

Bob the Pirate: Why, what's--

*A huge steam locomotive barrels through the house, knocking Bob the Pirate flat and then running him over*

Bob the Pirate: Oh. Ouch.

Kapurkar: Now give Matau back his comedy, or you'll get another one, too!

Bob the Pirate: But...this doesn't make any sense. How can a train hit me? There aren't any train tracks nearby!

The Smoke Monster: It rode in on the barrels, obviously.

Bob the Pirate: Where are all you people even coming from?

Mesonak: We're the fans of Ask Matau!, and we demand you give Matau back his comedy now!

Bob the Pirate: Yeah, right.

*Last of the Time Lords, OmiShad, and Solare appear behind Bob the Pirate *

Solare: You were saying?

Bob the Pirate: Meep. Gotta go!

*Bob the Pirate grabs iPirate Computer the Headbanger and runs off somewhere*

Lewa0111: Finally! Now time to use Author Powers to bring back the characters...

*Matau and the Visorak appear back inside the house*

Matau: Hey, why are there a bunch of BZP members standing around in my destroyed living room filled with barrels?

Computer: Don't ask.

OmiShad: Great, now how do we get back to BZP?

Lewa0111: Just step through this portal and it will take you back to your own world. I stole this from Aslan!

Aslan: ROAR! (Translation: You're next, Lewa0111!)

Lewa0111: Uh...quick, just jump through the portal!

LotTL: Okay, bye!

*All of the BZP members leave and the portal closes*

Matau: ...Well, that's one problem taken care of. But how am I going to fix this huge train-shaped hole in my living room wall?

*Takanuva appears*

Takanuva: Looks like somebody needs Takanuva's Construction and Repair Service™!

*Takanuva blasts the wall with light, fixing the hole instantly*

Takanuva: Don't forget, where there's trouble that needs fixing quickly, help is just a flash of light away! Call Takanuva's Construction and Repair Service, now today! That's 1-800-AVOHKII! Again, 1-800-AVOHKII!

Lewa0111: This message has been sponsored by Lewa# Studios.

*Takanuva leaves*

Matau: That was...random. Since when did we have commercial breaks in this show?

Keelerak: Who knows? Let's just get back to the comedy, now that Bob the Pirate is gone.

Matau: Good idea. I was sick of being 2-dimensional.

Computer: You have 4 new messages.

Matau: Wow, no spam?

Computer: Nope, Bob the Pirate deleted it all!

Matau: Wow, never thought I'd actually thank him for anything. First question!

Dear Matau,
Why do you think you're *aherm* handsome?

From,
Geno, Toa of Magic (aka Toa Geno)

Matau: Huh, for some reason, I get the weirdest feeling when I read this message. It's almost like I've seen it before somewhere...nah, I'm just imagining things. Anyway, to answer the question, I don't think I'm handsome, I know I am!

All Visorak: *cough*Yeahright*cough*

Matau: Oh, come on! I am too handsome!

Boggarak: Fine, then prove it.

Matau: Nokama's reaction to my coolness and charm is proof enough, wouldn't you say?

*Nokama walks in*

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Boggarak: Oh, really. And how does slapping you qualify as proving that you're handsome?

Matau: It's the slap of love!

Boggarak: He'll never learn.

Keelerak: You've got that right.

Matau: Oh, just shut up. Computer, next question, please.

Computer: Message 2.

Matau
Would you like some cheese while, uhhm, something happens
signed: A random toa
P.S: Cheddar or Swiss
P.S.S: There is a virus coming
P.S.S.S: Its heeeere

Matau: Great, another question with too many P.S.'s. Oh well, in order: 1) No, thanks. The last thing we need is more cheese around here.

Roporak: What are you talking about? There's no such thing as too much cheese! CHEESE!

*Roporak hits the "request cheese" button and a waterfall of cheese pours down on top of him*

Roporak: CHEESE!

Matau: ...Umm, yeah. Let's just get back to the question. 2) Roporak's favorite cheese is cheddar, but it looks like you already knew that, since the waterfall is made of cheddar cheese. Or should that be a "cheesefall?" 3) Another virus? But we just had one in the last chapter? ...Although, come to think of it, compared to Bob the Pirate's, I don't think this one could possibly be as bad. 4) Again, don't care. Hit me with your best shot!

aLL YoUr CoMeDiEs ArE bELoNg To uS

Matau: That's it? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Computer: That was...interesting. Displaying Message 3.

Dear Matau,

If you would've been the leader of the toa metru how would the storyline have gone?

Matau: Wow, an actual, straightforward, single-part question that isn't spam or a threat message. For some reason, I feel like I've seen this message before, too. Anyway, to answer the question, it would have made BIONICLE ten times more awesome if I'd been the leader! For starters, instead of saying "It's all my fault," I would have said "It's all Onewa's fault!"

*Onewa walks in*

Onewa: WHAT WAS THAT, MATAU? :burnma--

Matau: Get out. *blasts him out the door with his wind powers*

Onewa: NO FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaiiiiiirrrrr...

Matau: That was extremely satisfying. Oh, and continuing on with the question, I also wouldn't have bothered forging the Vahi, so then Makuta wouldn't have wanted it, so then we could have just not gotten the city destroyed! Come on, it's the obvious solution!

Keelerak: But then you'd never have met us!

Matau: ...Umm, right, yeah, that would be a problem. In a way. I also wouldn't have let Vakama turn evil and knock me off a cliff, speaking of Visorak. Also, as leader, I would have ordered Nokama to kiss me every day!

Nokama: *SLAP!* I'm right here, you know!

Matau: Ouch. Yeah. Okay, sorry. Next question, computer.

Matau,

How's the show going? Getting any farther with Nokama?

Toa Kapurkar-Rail Blazer

Matau: Hey, another normal question! The show is going awesome, now that I'm in it again, and not that loser Bob the Pirate , ha!

Bob the Pirate: IT'S , NOT !

Matau: Does it look like I care? And as for Nokama, am I getting any farther with her? That would be awesome if we could go someplace far with just her! It would be the perfect date!

Boggarak: I don't think that's what he meant by "getting any farther." And you might want to duck.

Matau: I don't see any ducks--

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Matau: Oh. Now I get it.

Vohtarak: Hey, that was the last question! Can I use the computer now? I've had to wait two whole days to play MNOG, and I haven't gotten to Le-Koro yet!

Matau: What's Le-Koro? Is that like Le-Metru? Because Le-Metru is awesome!

Vohtarak: Err...kind of.

Matau: Fine. I have to get back to cleaning up all of these barrels that train left behind, anyway.

Vohtarak: YAY!!

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,436 words.

~Lewa# Studios

Lewa0111 Nuva

[Toa of Gallifrey]

ROFL!! Awesome Doctor Who reference XDDD. Those Time Lords were dumb to go back to Gallifrey XD.

[Toa Kapurkar--Rail Blazer]

Nice pun with the barrels. Of course, now I need to go back to the original and make sure Bob the Pirate (emoticon left out on purpose) did actually invade. And no, not quite what I meant, Matau.

[Touko Fukawa]

Why is there a 're-quest cheese' button on Matau's computer... Any-way, I bet Bob the Pirate's computer uses pirated software, or it would have deleted Tava's mess-age.
Cant wait till next chapter! (Again)

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Thanks for replying, everyone! As for Matau's computer...who knows?

Ask Matau!
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Chapter 7: This Was Where I Stopped Counting In The Original

Matau: Huh, never realized that before. Why did you stop counting chapters, Lewa0111?

Lewa0111: Umm...because...err...I don't know! Just start the show already!

Matau: Okay, then.

*Matau walks in the living room to see...*

Matau: Vohtarak, get off the computer.

Vohtarak: But...but...I'm about to fly off to fight the Nui-Rama in their hive!

Matau: None of that made any sense to me, so get off!

Vohtarak: Why does MNOG not making sense to you mean I have to get off?

Keelerak: It's not that, you moron, it's because Matau's show is about to start!

Vohtarak: Again? Why do you have to do a show that needs computers, anyway?

Matau: Because it's my computer in the first place, remember! Now get off, unless you'd rather be blown away again...

Vohtarak: No need for that! I'm getting off, bye!

*Vohtarak runs upstairs*

Matau: Ah, finally. Now time to sit down and answer some questions!

*Matau sits down at his desk*

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau! the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail) and I answer them in hilarious ways! So, Computer, how many messages for me today?

Computer: You have 9,872,170,983,274,578,743,253 new messages.

Keelerak: Matau, have you ever thought about getting a spam blocker?

Computer: First message.

Matau: Hmm, I wonder who that could possibly be from?

Boggarak: And here I thought we'd seen the last of that annoying wannabe villain.

Matau: Same here. *shrugs* Apparently not. Computer, delete all spam and messages that are nothing but a pirate emoticon.

Computer: BRAAMP! Deleted!

Matau: What's with--never mind.

Computer: You have 5,673 new messages.

Matau: Wow, that's a big number for no spam or pirate emoticons. Oh well, it just goes to show how awesomely popular I am!

Oohnorak: That's impossible! I don't have any messages, and everyone knows I'm way more popular of a character than you!

Matau: Okay, I see two things wrong with that idea. First of all, you're not a more popular character than me, and secondly, you don't even have a computer!

Oohnorak: *silence*

Matau: Thought so. Computer, display the first message!

Matau,

I HATE YOU! YOU ARE SO ANNOYING! HOW DARE YOU BLAST ME OUT OF YOUR HOUSE WHEN ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS BEAT YOU UP IN THE LAST CHAPTER?

Onewa

Matau: ...Oh, of course. Computer, delete all hate mail from Onewa.

Computer: Okay!

Boggarak: A computer grinning. That'll haunt me in my nightmares.

Computer: You have 5 new messages. Displaying first message.

Dear Matau,

Why do you think you're better than all the other Toa Metru? Cause Nuju is better than you.

Mattmans1 Predicta

Matau: Hey, I thought I said to delete all hate mail!

Computer: No, you said all hate mail from Onewa. "Mattmans1 Predicta" is not "Onewa."

Matau: I bet it's Onewa in disguise...

Keelerak: You still have to answer the question, remember.

Matau: Oh, come on, I don't have to answer this trash!

*Zaktan appears out of nowhere*

Zaktan: Did someone say "trash?"

*Zaktan stuffs Matau into a trash can, then vanishes*

Matau: Hey! What was that for?

Keelerak: Apparently he does that sometimes.

Matau: I see. Anyway, to get back to this question, no, Nuju is not better than me! In order, the best Toa Metru are:
1. Matau
2. Matau
3. Nokama
4. Matau
5. Matau
6. Vakama, Nuju, Onewa.

Boggarak: *groans* You already gave that exact same list a few chapters ago!

Matau: I know, but apparently Mattmans1whatever, a.k.a. Onewa, wasn't paying attention when I explained it the first time.

Mattmans1 Predicta: I AM NOT ONEWA!!

Matau: Yes you are, now shut up! And I can even give you several specific reasons why I'm better than Nuju. First, he's a total nerd, and spends his life doing nothing but reading huge books about math and other boring stuff, making him a total loser with no life! Second, his mask power is completely pointless, since my elemental powers let me do the same thing.

Boggarak: Oh really.

Matau: What, you don't believe me?

Boggarak: Levitate me into the air, right now, then.

Matau: Gladly!

*Matau summons a low-power tornado beneath Boggarak, lifting him several feet into the air and smashing him into the ceiling*

Boggarak: Oww...fine, I guess you're right.

Matau: Of course, I'm always right! Getting back to the question, though, Nuju's mask power is pointless, and mine is awesome! Nuju definitely can't do this!

*Matau turns into a Kikanalo*

Matau/Kikanalo: Look at me! I'm Mataunalo! This is way more awesome than telekinesis!

Keelerak: You know, he does have a point there. Shapeshifting is a pretty cool power compared to telekinesis, especially when the shapeshifter can also control the air.

Boggarak: Oh, come on, Keelerak, do you really think he needs a bigger ego than he already has?

Mataunalo: You do realize I'm standing right here, right?

*awkward silence*

Mataunalo: Okay then. Nuju's also not as awesome as me because his elemental power is just a more limited version of Nokama's!

*Matau transforms back to normal just as Nokama walks in*

Nokama: You do have a point there, Matau!

Matau: So does this mean we're dating?

Nokama: *SLAP!* No!

Matau: ...It was worth a shot...

Nokama:

Matau: ...Umm, whatever. Next question!

Hi I was wondering, what is your frindship with Onewa like. is he wierd or something.

P.S. Nokama is behind you.
P.S.S. I think shes going to slap you again.

Matau: My friendship with Onewa? Why in Mata Nui's name would I ever want to be friends with that loser? For starters, he stole all of the good lines in Legends of Metru Nui and Web of Shadows that I was going to say! And yes, he definitely is weird, not to mention sarcastic, annoying, stupid, and ugly.

Computer: You've just received 2,385,769,124,357,613,429,078,610,8y7,619,083,745,643,926,028,376,082,376,094,367,089,235,670 new messages from onewarockson@toametru.com.

Matau: Uh-oh...

Nokama: Well, we now know why Matau hates Onewa so much, I suppose. Besides the fact that Onewa is even lamer at flirting with me than Matau.

Matau: Yeah, exactly! ...Wait...

Keelerak: Whatever, let's just move on with the questions.

*Keelerak depresses the "next question" button on the computer*

"Next Question" button: My life is awful, I'm so sad...

*Ahem. Keelerak presses the "next question" button on the computer*

Matau,

Do you consider your music skills to be parallel to my cello playing?

Do you like Kitaro?

Do you need a bodyguard? I can fill in!

Trad.

Matau: Do, do, do...that's a lot of "do's." Oh well, first: yes, my music skills are awesome! I'm the greatest singer ever, and I can also play the flute, ukelele, and trumpet! Even do all four at the same time!

Nokama: Only by the loosest possible definition of "playing..."

Matau: Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad!

*Nokama and all the Visorak shake their heads*

Matau: Hmmph. Shows how much you people know.

Nokama: Why don't we find out? Flashback time!

Boggarak: No flashbacks!

Matau: For once, I agree with you, Boggarak! No flashbacks today!

Nokama: Too bad, it's already started! Ha, ha!

Matau: Noooooooo!

[FLASHBACK]

*The entire population of Metru Nui, including all of the Toa Metru as Matoran, are in the Coliseum for the 356th Annual Metru Nui Talent Show*

Turaga Dume: ...Thank you for that scintillating rendition of pi to seventeen billion decimal places, Tava.

Audience: ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Tava: But I'm not done yet! 3872465981347669873968746902196745802770807321876409876309276...

Turaga Dume: Umm...Here, fetch!

*Dume launches a blueberry pie out of a cannon to the other side of Metru Nui*

Tava: PIE!!

*Tava runs after the pie*

Turaga Dume: Right. Next up, it's Matau, a Le-Matoran from the Moto-Hub with his solo performance of the #1 hit single, "My Chute's On Fire and I Can't Eat Protodermis!"

Matau: Thanks, Dume! Let's go...1, 2, 1 2 3 go!

*Matau jams the trumpet halfway into his mouth, while holding the ukelele in his right hand and strumming it with his left hand, which is also holding the flute with the mouthpiece up to the bell of the trumpet. Matau attempts to sing during all of this.*

Matau: ...mmph chmmutmmmph immshmmp jwmmmwhemm, mmph mmph pmyhpmm!

Audience: BOO!

*The audience begins throwing random fruits at Matau. One of them, an overripe Thornax, gets stuck in the trumpet's bell*

Matau: mmph mmph MMPH!

*The Thornax explodes*

Matau: Owww...

Random Matoran #35: I think I preferred Tava's performance...

[/FLASHBACK]

Matau: Never...EVER...show that again.

Nokama and All Visorak: Hahahahahahahahaha!

Nuju, Vakama, and Onewa: Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Entire Population of Metru Nui: Hahahahahahahahahaha!

All Bara Magnans: Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Matau: Oh, shut up, all of you. I have more questions to answer, anyway. I have no idea what a Kitaro is, so how can I know if I like it or not? And a bodyguard would be helpful, thanks! I could really use somebody to get rid of Bob the Pirate next time he comes around. Next question, computer!

Computer: Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Matau: Knock it off and just display the next question!

Computer: Fine.

Matau,
Who is your favorite matoran?
Signed,
Your best friend,
Dylaconua
P.S. I think I am your best friend.

Matau: My favorite Matoran? I like Matau, Matau, and Matau. Also, Nokama...wait, we're both Toa, and this question asks for Matoran. That's it is fair and just! ...Hey, what the?

Keelerak: I love word filters, don't you?

Matau: Oh, come on. Anyway, to answer this question, I guess I'd have to say Takua, he's kind of funny and makes me laugh sometimes...plus we used to team up and play pranks on Turaga Dume back before I turned into a Toa. Those were the days...right, I also like Vihs...vishol...viholsa...that Ga-Matoran who used to hang out with Nokama. You know, if, for some ridiculous reason, Nokama wasn't my girlfriend, I'd probably go out with her instead!

Nokama: *SLAP!* I'm not even your girlfriend!

Matau: In my mind you are...And how can I possibly be this guy's best friend? I can't even spell his name!

Computer: You've just received 1,248 new messages from "Dylaconua"

Matau: ...Umm, I mean, of course you're my best friend!

Computer: Next message.

Matau,

What is your favorite emoticon?

Signed, Lewa0111 Nuva

Matau: My own author sent me a question? Weird.

Lewa0111: Hey! Don't ever question the author!

Matau: Why not? What's the worst that can happen?

Lewa0111: This!

*Suddenly, Matau appears wearing a pink frilly dress with matching pink bows on his mask*

Matau: AAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!! Okay! Fine! You win!

Nokama: ...I'm not even going to comment.

Matau: This dress would probably look a lot better on you, though...Lewa0111, please get rid of this thing!

Lewa0111: Fine.

*The dress and bows vanish and Matau returns to normal*

Matau: That was one experience I never want to repeat again. And my favorite emoticon is , of course!

Boggarak: That was an incredibly predictable answer.

Matau: Oh yeah? Well, I bet you didn't predict...THIS!

Boggarak: Wow, no, I definitely didn't...

Matau: See? I can be original!

Boggarak: Fine, you win.

Matau: Ha! Told you! Computer, next question.

Computer: No new messages.

Matau: ...Oh. Well, in that case, I guess the show's over now. Nokama, do you want to--

Nokama: No thanks, I have to...umm...wash my...cheesecakes. Bye!

Roporak: CHEESE!?

*Roporak runs after Nokama*

Nokama: I really shouldn't have made my excuse cheese-related...

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,874 words.

~Lewa# Studios

Lewa0111 Nuva

[Toa Kapurkar--Rail Blazer]

I noticed that nine out of ten times all of the Toa Metru are supposed to be listed, Whenua is not on the list. For example, when Matau is "ranking" the Toa Metru, Whenua doesn't make it. Any reason? Wait, don't answer that, I'll let Matau.

And yeah, making a getaway excuse cheese-related isn't so smart.

[Toa Smoke Monster]

I noticed that nine out of ten times all of the Toa Metru are supposed to be listed, Whenua is not on the list. For example, when Matau is "ranking" the Toa Metru, Whenua doesn't make it. Any reason? Wait, don't answer that, I'll let Matau.

And yeah, making a getaway excuse cheese-related isn't so smart.

I noticed that too. I guess Matau dislikes Whenua so much that he doesn't even want to put him on the list.

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Thanks for the replies! New chapter up now!

Ask Matau!
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Chapter 8: Spam and Other Things

Matau: "Spam and Other Things?" How is that any different from what happens in every chapter?

Lewa0111: No idea, but since I stopped doing chapter titles in the original, I've had to think up my own. And that can be hard to do sometimes!

Matau: Sure, fine. Just enjoying the view! Whoo!

Lewa0111: Stop quoting yourself and just get on with the chapter already!

Matau: Okay, sure.

*Matau walks into the living room to see...surprise, surprise...*

Matau: Vohtarak, get off. How many times to I have to tell you?

Vohtarak: But...but...I just made it to Ko-Koro! I'm in Matoro's hut finally!

Matau: Why would anyone want to hang around with that nerd? Matoro's almost as bad as Nuju!

*Nuju sticks his head in through the window*

Nuju: I myself wish to refute that negatively connotated description of my intellectual capabilities!

Matau: Shut up, you.

*Matau throws Vohtarak at Nuju, sending them both flying*

Keelerak: Well, that's one way to get rid of two annoying characters with one throw!

Matau: Yep! Anyway, let's just start the show!

*Matau sits down in his desk chair*

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau! the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages) and I answer them in hilarious ways! So, Computer, how many messages today?

Computer: You have 99,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 new messages.

Matau: Wow, Lewa0111 misses one day in the update schedule and I end up with that much spam? Computer, delete all spam.

Computer: BRAAMP! Deleted! You have 6 new messages.

Keelerak: Wow, that sure is a lot.

Computer: Displaying first message.

Matau,
Save 15% on car insurance by switching to Matoran Insurance, Inc. Switch today!

Note: This is not spam.

Matau: Computer, I thought I already told you to delete the spam!

Computer: I did!

Matau: Then why did I get this stupid message? This is obviously a spam message...

Computer: But it said

This is not spam.

Matau: Look, if it wasn't spam, would it really have needed to specifically say it wasn't spam?

Computer: Well, no, not when you put it that way...

Matau: Exactly. Delete this message.

Computer: Deleted! Next message:

Dear Matau,
You realise that you're my favorite toa? (next to Lewa, Kongu, etc.)
From, Geno Toa of Magic
p.s. the visorak are going to poison you.
p.s.s. and will turn you into
p.s.s.s. really, you will be called smile matau.

Matau: I'm your favorite Toa? Cool!

Oohnorak: Oh, come on. This question is obviously a lie. It's obvious that I'm everyone's favorite Toa!

Keelerak: But we're Visorak! You aren't even any kind of Toa, much less Geno's favorite!

Oohnorak: What are you talking about? Of course I'm a Toa!

Keelerak: Fine, believe what you like.

Boggarak: He's a delusional moron, just deal with it.

Matau: Oh, shut up, Visorak. This question has P.S.'s, remember? Let's see...Oh really? Well, it can't be my Visorak, since when I adopted them, they gave me Anti-Venom to drink! So they know full well that it wouldn't work.

Keelerak: Except Roporak. He just gave you a bottle of cheese instead.

Matau: True. But Roporak is too obsessed with cheese to try to poison me. Oh well, let's keep reading! ...Well, that already happened, so I guess this guy is a bit behind on the times. Being an emoticon is not something I wish to repeat.

Boggarak: ...When were you ever an emoticon, Matau?

Matau: What, didn't you know? Roodaka secretly replaced the Hordika Cocoons with SmileToa Cocoons, turning us all into our respective emoticons. Every scene during Web of Shadows actually had clips cut out of it, during which we slowly transformed into smileys and back again. It was really annoying, not to mention I looked ugly and Nokama didn't want to date me...

*Nokama walks in*

Nokama: I still don't want to date you, Matau!

Matau: Yes you do, you just won't admit it!

Nokama: Sure, when Keelerak flies.

Matau: I can arrange that!

Nokama: I didn't mean literally.

Matau: Aww, darn.

*Matau puts his aero slicers back from where he had originally been preparing to make Keelerak fly using his wind powers*

Nokama: Why do I bother?

Nidhiki: Hey! That's my line!

Nokama: AAAAH!! Dark Hunters!

*Nokama runs away with Nidhiki chasing her*

Matau: Nidhiki!! How dare you chase away Nokama? Oh well, I'll just make sure he has a nasty surprise waiting for him when he gets home...Computer, compose a new message to "spiderman@odina.com," and attach a certain file...

*Later...*

Matau: Done! Okay, with that out of the way, let's move on to the next message!

Computer: Displaying Message 3.

Dear Matau,
Why do you like Nokama?

From, Thoko

Matau: Why do you think? She's HOT!!

*crickets chirping*

Matau: Hey, I'm not getting slapped! Awesome! Nokama's HOT! Nokama's HOT! Nokama's a total HOTTIE HOT HOTTIE HOT HOTTIE HOT HOTTIE HOTTIE HOTTIE!!

Boggarak: Are you done yet?

Matau: No. NOKAMA'S THE HOTTIEST HOTTIE THAT EVER HOTTIED IN HOTTIELAND!! Okay, now I'm done. Next question!

Matau

On your most recent episode of Ask Matau, I noted that Whenua did not make the list of the six most awesome Toa Metru. Did you forget? Or is there another reason?

Kapurkar

Matau: Nobody made the list except me and Nokama, since I'm so awesome I get four entries to myself! And who's Whenua, anyway? Next!

Matau,

Where do you like best, Mata Nui or Voya Nui?
How far is Vohtarak on MNOLG?
Which Voyatoran do you like best?
Which did you like best? Vahki, Rahkshi, Bohrok, Bohrok-Kal, Visorak or Piraka?
How did you manage to defeat Makuta with the other Toa if you hate them?
Also, You're annoying, So I'm going to make you into a Turaga.

Toa LehuNuva

Matau: I really hate these multiple-question-answery-things. I mean, come on, they could at least bother to put numbers before each question! Oh, well, in order: 1) Well, I've never been to Voya Nui, so I guess I'd have to say Mata Nui. We went there once to drop off Orkahm and the other Matoran spheres before we went back to meet the Visorak. 2) Vohtarak is in Matoro's hut, as you could clearly see from the beginning of the chapter, although why he wants to hang out with that nerd is beyond me. 3) Dalu, because she's almost as hot as Nokama!

Dalu: SLAP!

Matau: ...And almost as painful as Nokama, too...Oh well. 4) I like the Vahki best, for two reasons! I've never heard of most of those other things, and also, it's super fun to turn into a Vahki to play pranks on Vakama! Like that one time...cue flashback!

[FLASHBACK]

*Vakama is wandering the streets of Ta-Metru, whistling to himself.*

Vakama: I'm so happy today!

*A large Vorzakh appears in front of him, which is really Matau in disguise*

"Vortau:"

Vakama: Okay, I surrender! It's all my fault!

*A large group of real Vorzakh arrest Vakama, and "Vortau" transforms back into Matau*

Matau: HAH! Gotcha!

*A Bordakh comes up to Matau and randomly turns into Nokama*

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Matau: Hey, what was that for? And how can you shapeshift?

Nokama: I borrowed your spare Mahiki.

Matau: Hey, that's just unfair!

[/FLASHBACK]

Nokama: I love that flashback! That's when I realized why you loved the Mahiki so much.

Matau: Hey, where did you come from?

Nokama: Nidhiki gave up since he had to head home. Apparently he needed to check his e-mails.

Matau: Oh, okay, awesome! I'm in the middle of answering a multi-part question. Let's continue: 5) Well, I only really hate Onewa, Vakama and Nuju just annoy me. But I only worked with Onewa because Nokama promised she'd kiss me if I did!

Nokama: Hey, I told you never to mention that again! *SLAP!*

Matau: Oww...

Nokama: Oh, and while I'm thinking of it... *SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!*

Matau: Hey, what was that for?

Nokama: While I was running from Nidhiki, I was watching your show on my portable TV!

Keelerak: But that doesn't make any sense!

Nokama: I keep it inside my mask.

Keelerak: That just raises even more questions!

Nokama: *shrugs* Whatever. Matau, there's one more part to this question.

Matau: Fine, guess I'll answer it. 6) No, I'm not annoying. Next question!

Matau,

Have you ever kissed Nokama?

Matau: I just answered that in the last question! And don't make me answer it again, I don't think I want to get slapped again this chapter...

*Vohtarak suddenly climbs back in through the window*

Vohtarak: Hi, Matau, I finally made it back! Is it time for me to play MNOG again?

Matau: *sighs* Yes, fine, you can play. My show's over for today anyhow.

Vohtarak: YAY!!

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,480 words.

~Lewa# Studios

Lewa0111 Nuva

[Applejack]

Wow. I was really behind, on reading this.
I liked all of these chapters, and I even got a small GS role!
That part where Matau called Nokama hot(like a thousand times), reminded me of a certain Internet video star, who says "hothothothothot" when he sees girls. so overall I liked it.

[Toa Kapurkar--Rail Blazer]

Well, I had a feeling that taking advantage of Nokama's absense wouldn't end well. And what do you mean, Matau? That list stated exactly:
1. Matau
2. Matau
3. Nokama
4. Matau
5. Matau
6. Vakama, Nuju, Onewa.

See?! Where be Whenua?

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Thanks for the replies, Kapurkar and OmiShad!

Ask Matau!
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Chapter 9: Literal Mail Time

Vohtarak: Wow, I don't believe it! I'm so close to the end! There's Kini-Nui and--

*A windstorm blows him out of the chair and out the window*

Matau: I'm not even going to bother arguing with him any more at this point. It's time for my show!

*Matau sits down at his desk chair, and Keelerak, Boggarak, Oohnorak, and Suukorak walk in from the kitchen*

Keelerak: Thank goodness it's almost time for your show, Matau. Roporak's getting really annoying.

Matau: How so?

Oohnorak: Well...

*Roporak comes flying through the living room and back into the kitchen, trailing a huge wave of cheese that is being engulfed in his mouth*

Roporak: I LOVE CHEESE!!

Oohnorak: ...yeah.

Matau: Wow, thanks for reminding me. I'd better lock him in the kitchen until my show's over. Suukorak, would you do the honors?

Suukorak: ...

*Suukorak walks over and shuts the door to the kitchen, locking Roporak inside*

Matau: That's better. HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau! the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.") and I answer them in hilarious ways! Computer, how many messages in my inbox today?

Computer: You have 6 new messages.

Matau: Wow, no spam.

Boggarak: That's a first.

Computer: You've just received 20,736,495,072,346,570,623,764,086,289,643,287 new spam messages.

Matau: Guess I spoke too soon. Computer, if you knew it was spam, why didn't you delete the spam?

Computer: I'm a computer, not a spam deleter! You still have to ask me to delete it manually!

Matau: *sighs* Fine. Computer, delete the spam.

Computer: BRAAMP! Deleted! You have 6 new messages.

Matau: First message.

Matau, I was about to beat MNOG! I was almost to Kini-Nui and everything! How dare you blast me out the window?

Vohtarak

Matau: Vohtarak, you do realize this is the same as spam, right?

Vohtarak: (from outside the window) No it's not!

Matau: Yes, it is! Don't do that again or I'll unleash the Vezon on you!

Boggarak: ...Don't you mean "Zivon?"

Matau: Shut up, you know what I mean! Next question, computer!

Computer: Displaying Message 2.

Dear Matau,
brakelatabasaasta feed me

From,
Krekka Some guy who's name doesn't start with B!

Matau: *sigh* Doesn't he ever give up? Computer, send a response to asdfghjkl@odina.com, and attach the file literalairmail.exe.

Computer: Message sent!

*At Krekka's house...*

Krekka's Computer: You've got mail!

Krekka: AAAAAAAH!! A talking computer!

Krekka,

Open this file immediately! It's got cookies inside!

Matau

[Attached file: C/Users/matauisawesome/Program Files/LiteralElementsPlus/literalairmail.exe]

Krekka: Ooh! Cookies!

*Krekka clicks the file, and a huge tornado erupts from the computer and smacks into Krekka*

Krekka: Duuuuuuuhhh...this seems familiar...

*Back at Matau's house...*

Matau: I just love doing that! Next question!

Dear, Mr. Matua

Why don't you let Votarak play MNOG?

Signed,
Votarak rights club president

Matau: How dare you spell my name wrong!! I'll kill you!

Keelerak: No, wait, don't--

*The "burnmad" emoticon explodes*

Matau and All Visorak:

Boggarak: Matau, have you ever considered anger management classes?

Matau: As if! Onewa uses that emoticon on a daily basis! This is the first time I used it since the first chapter!

Boggarak: *sighs* Never mind, just keep answering the question!

Matau: Okay, fine. As for the question...I don't keep him from playing MNOG all the time, obviously, considering how far he is in the game. I just don't like him using the computer when I need it for my show, and I really don't appreciate you accusing me for no reason! Literal Air Mail time!

Vohtarak Club Rights President: Sorry, as president, I have diplomatic immunity.

Matau: Grr...oh well. At least you can't hurt me, either!

Oohnorak: Speaking of emoticons, isn't the "br" emoticon Vohtarak's favorite too?

Keelerak: Yep. By the way, what exactly does the "br" in the "br" emoticon stand for, anyway?

Matau:

All Visorak:

Oohnorak: Maybe it stands for "Bunny Rabbits!"

Boggarak: Or "Blue Rhubarb."

Keelerak: Nah, that's just stupid. Maybe "Big Robert?"

Matau: It obviously stands for "B Matau's R Emoticon!"

Roporak: (from the kitchen) IT STANDS FOR BRCHEESE!!

*Vohtarak climbs in through the window*

Vohtarak: You're all wrong. It's my favorite emoticon, I should know what it stands for! "Bouncing Randomly!"

Matau: Who cares? You're all getting way too off-topic. Go start a spin-off comedy if you want to talk about random stuff like that...

Keelerak: Come to think of it, that's a good idea!

Matau: Computer?

Computer: Displaying next message.

Matau,

Out of the six Visorak that live with you, which one is your favorite?

The Ghost that haunts your kitchen.

Roporak: There's a ghost in here? AAAH! He'll eat all my precious cheese! Let me out of here!

Boggarak: If there really is a ghost, it's one with internet access, apparently...

Matau: Suukorak, let him out. But shut the door behind him so the ghost doesn't escape!

Suukorak: ...

*Suukorak unlocks the door, and Roporak runs through so fast that he accidentally goes flying through the window. Suukorak locks the door behind him.*

Matau: Well, now that that's over with, let's answer the question! Huh...which Visorak? That's difficult. I guess I'll have to say Keelerak, since Vohtarak is annoying, Roporak is too obsessed with cheese, Boggarak's too depressing, Suukorak doesn't really talk at all, and Oohnorak is way too egotistical. He needs to learn that I'm the greatest being in existence, not him!

Boggarak: Talk about the shadow leech calling the kraata shadowed...

Matau: What does that even mean?

Computer: Displaying next message.

Matau,

This is a test of the 'Author Mail'.

From, Lewa0111

Matau: "Author Mail," huh? I wonder what that does...

*A tap-dancing chicken jumps out of the computer screen, throws a lightsaber at Matau, then unicycles away through the ceiling*

Lewa0111: Yep, Author Mail does something completely random each time! It worked perfectly!

Matau and All Visorak:

HI MATAU!

if you were to eat any of your fellow toa,who would it be?
PS:ILIKECHEESEANDPIE

scinscereley,or however you spell it...
CHEESEPIE

Matau: Is this guy the awkward fusion of Roporak and that one Matoran named Tava, from The Nuva Inn?

Boggarak: Wow, obvious advertising much?

Matau: Anyway, this sure is one of the weirdest questions I've ever gotten in a while. But, if I had to eat one of the other Toa Metru, it would have to be Onewa. For one, he's annoying, and for two, he probably tastes like chocolate! Well, guess that's the last--

Computer: You have just received a new message.

Matau: Huh. Okay, let's open it!

Matau,

Open this file immediately. It contains an awesome handsomeness ray that will make you irresistible to Nokama!

From, Every Other Being In The Universe That Isn't Onewa

[attached file: C/Users/onewarockson/Program Files/LiteralElementsPlus/literalstonemail.exe]

Matau: Wow, cool! Let's click it!

*Matau opens the file, and a huge stone pillar comes out of the computer screen and crushes Matau against the wall*

Matau: Ouch. Remind me never to make him angry...although, he really does look like chocolate...

Vohtarak: So, is the show over now? Can I play MNOG now? I'm almost about to beat the game!

Matau: Sure...fine...

Vohtarak: YAY!

Keelerak: Hey, Visorak! Secret meeting during the intro for the next chapter, okay?

Oohnorak: Okay!

Suukorak: ...

Boggarak: Fine...

Vohtarak: I'm busy!

Roporak: CHEESE!

Matau: What's this about a secret meeting?

Keelerak: Nothing! Don't worry about it.

Matau: *shrugs* Okay then...

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,246 words.

~Lewa# Studios

Lewa0111 Nuva

[Field Marshal Rakmon]

Completely unrelatedly, it always bothered me how Matau never had a Kagharahk. That would be... Interesting.

Also I thought Bob was a Minifig, not a matoran.

Edited by Field Marshal RMN, Oct 28 2011 - 08:56 PM.

[Toa Kapurkar--Rail Blazer]

Hmmm...so close, little red visorak, so close!

Wow, I kinda thought Matau would read that attachment before opening it...then again, it IS about Nokama.

[Toa Smoke Monster]

I wonder what kind of secret meeting Keelerak wants to have in the next chapter. I have a feeling it won't end well for Matau.

[Applejack]

Lol great chapter! Krekka is always good for a laugh.

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Thanks for the replies, everyone! Don't forget, keep sending in the questions!

Ask Matau!
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Chapter 10: The Spam Deleter

*In a room upstairs in Matau's house, Keelerak and the other Visorak are meeting*

Boggarak: Okay, Keelerak, what's this meeting about?

Keelerak: Well, I was thinking that it might be a good idea for us to start our own spin-off comedy, as Matau suggested last chapter.

Boggarak: A spin-off? That's the stupidest idea ever.

Oohnorak: Shut up, you pessimist! I think it's an awesome idea! We can call it Ask Oohnorak, The Coolest Visorak Ever!

Keelerak: That's not exactly what I was thinking. I was considering something like what we did last chapter, where we figured out what the "br" emoticon stood for. We could solve mysteries relating to stuff about BIONICLE and BZP.

Oohnorak; Well, then I'm not voting for it. I like my idea better.

Keelerak: If it makes you happy, the spin-off will give you more spotlight, since we won't have to focus on Matau...

Oohnorak: Never mind, I'm in!

Roporak: Hey, where's the cheese? You said you'd give me cheese if I came!

*Keelerak sighs*

Keelerak: Fine, here you go.

Roporak: CHEESE!!

Vohtarak: I don't want to do a spin-off, I'd rather stay here and play Battle for Mata Nui!

Keelerak: What about MNOG?

Vohtarak: I won that game last night!

All Visorak:

Suukorak: ...

Keelerak: I guess Suukorak abstains, then. So, we have a total of three votes for the spin-off (myself, Roporak, and Oohnorak) and two against (Vohtarak and Boggarak). Guess we're doing the spin-off after all!

Oohnorak: Wait, we should ask Lewa0111 first. He's the one writing it, after all...and maybe I can ask him to write more scenes with me in them!

Keelerak: Fine, we can talk to Lewa0111 after this chapter's over. Matau's show is about to start!

*Back in Matau's living room...*

Matau: Huh, wonder where Vohtarak went. Oh, well, guess I don't have to blast him away from the computer then!

*The Visorak all file into the living room*

Matau: Where were you?

Keelerak: Upstairs.

Matau; Doing what?

Roporak: Eating cheese!!

Matau: Figures. *shrugs* HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau! the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail) and I answer them in hilarious ways! Computer, how many messages today?

Computer: You have--

Matau: Wait, don't even bother telling me.I don't have to worry about spam any more!

Boggarak: How? Did you douse the spam in cheese and have Roporak eat it all or something?

Matau: Nope! I just installed a new spam deleter program!

Boggarak: That took you long enough to do...

Matau: Computer, activate C/Users/matauisawesome/Program Files/eddiethespamdeleter.exe.

Eddie the Spam Deleter:

Computer: You have 4 new messages.

Matau: See? Awesome, isn't it?

Dear Matau,
Matau, I'm back, and better then ever! There's nothing you can do about it! I will send you a virus that will cause random flashbacks to happen! But in the meantime, here's a virus!
From,
Bob the Pirate

Keelerak: Huh. And here I thought we'd seen the last of this weirdo.

Matau: Random flashbacks? Don't we usually have those anyway? So your virus won't have any effect on us, HA!

Boggarak: You forgot about the other virus, though...

*The computer explodes, blasting Matau, Lewa0111, and the Visorak out the window*

Matau: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!

Vohtarak: This was random...

Bob the Pirate: At last! I can finally take over this comedy again and--

Nokama: *SLAP!* Don't even think about it, Bob the Pirate !

Bob the Pirate: I'll leave now, I'm sorry! AAAAAHH!!

*Bob the Pirate runs away*

Nokama: That's better. I wonder where Matau and the Visorak are?

*At some random place in the desert...*

Matau: Where are we? My head hurts...

Vohtarak: Somewhere in the desert.

Boggarak: Thanks, Captain Obvious...

Captain Obvious: You're welcome!

*Captain Obvious flies away*

Roporak: Hey, look! CHEESE!!

*Roporak runs forward and slams into a cactus*

Roporak: Ouch! Where's the cheese filling?

Keelerak: You should really learn to watch out for those mirages.

*Back at Matau's house*

Nokama: *shrugs* Well, I suppose since Matau's not here, I'd better answer his questions for today! So, Computer, first--

ilaheit;lhuas;oiyhglirehg;ojslieurhgtlksiuegtvnkiunhrekutghkzusegauwiobuh2ouqytluivykjeshrtkawhnrytkguj

Nokama: Oh no! There's no author! This comedy will disintegrate into gibberish before too--

oiuyreohrjghmkdxhkiuyxloieyiurlos87hilueylesluitykl.ziseyltjlirdhyjlirdhlghsekuhrldugtlurduh,k

Gali1000: Never fear, I, Gali1000, will step in and write the chapter!

Nokama: Phew. Who are you, anyway?

Gali1000: I'm the Nokama equivalent of Matau's author, Lewa0111!

Nokama: Oh, I see. Anyway, Welcome everyone to Ask Nokama? where you send me questions and I answer them in hilarious ways! Computer, first message, please.

Dear Matau,

Why dosen't Nokama like you? Or is it that you are fun to slap?

Twitchy

Nokama: Why do I not like him? What kind of question is that? ...This is kind of personal, so don't ever tell him I said this, but the truth is, I actually do like Matau. I just wish he'd learn to be less full of himself and stop trying so hard to be "cool" and funny, which is why I don't let him ask me out. And, yes, he is fun to slap, and annoying. But I still like him!

Random Matoran #35: (in the audience) Aww!

Nokama: *SLAP!* You're fun to slap, too, come to think of it...

Computer: Displaying next message.

Dear Matau,

If you learned that, in five minutes, an astroid would crash into your house and blow it up, what would you do to stop it?

From,
An Angry Scientist

Nokama: Huh. Well, this is a weird one. If it were me, I'd probably call together a coalition of every Toa in the universe and have us pool our elemental powers together to destroy the asteroid. If it were Matau, though, he'd probably just use his air powers to redirect the asteroid to fall on Onewa's house.

Onewa: (shouting from outside) HEY!!

Nokama: Oh, shut up, you'd do the same to him and we all know it. Computer, next question, please.

What do you think you would do, if you were seperated from Nokama by evil Heartless?

Nokama: What, no name or even who this question is to? Come on. Plus, it's making a Kingdom Hearts reference, which is a good game but I doubt everyone reading this comedy would have played it.

Gali1000: I've never played it, that's true...

Lewa0111: I have, and it's an awesome game! But I agree, it is a pretty obscure reference for a BZP comedy...

Gali1000: Where'd you come from?

Keelerak: Turns out that when he's not being distracted by mirages, Roporak can smell cheese from hundreds of miles away. We just followed his nose to the nearest settlement and got an airship ride back to Metru Nui from there!

Boggarak: Yes, it makes absolutely no sense, but somehow it worked.

Matau: Hey, Nokama, you're sitting in my usual spot! That must mean we're dating now, huh--

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Matau: Should have seen that one coming...

Vohtarak: If the show's over, can I play Battle for Mata Nui now?

Matau: Fine.

Gali1000: So, now that Nokama and Matau are both here, which of us will write the comedy?

Lewa0111: Me, obviously. I started this comedy. You just randomly showed up today.

Gali1000: Good point. But still, I don't want to just leave after one chapter...

Lewa0111: I know! We can have an Author Powers contest! Each chapter, fron now on, one of us will use our author powers to do something random. Then, each of us will try to out-random the other in each following chapter until it gets too random to stand!

Gali1000: Sounds interesting. You're on!

*A refrigerator falls from the sky*

Matau: Whoa. That really was random.

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,294 words.

~Lewa# Studios

Lewa0111 Nuva

Edited by Lewa0111 Nuva, Oct 31 2011 - 02:42 PM.

[Toa Kapurkar--Rail Blazer]

Ah, the randomness begins...

Ow. How does one mistake a cactus for a piece of cheese?
And I'm glad to know that Nokama can't slap a whole audience at once, like in the original.

[Toa Smoke Monster]

So the next chapter will have even more random stuff happen in it. This will be interesting.

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

@Kapurkar: Who knows? Nokama's slaps are pretty powerful...

Ask Matau!
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Chapter 11: Flashback Time

Vohtarak: I love this game! Go, Tahu, get those Bohrok! I--

*A tornado blasts him into the kitchen*

Roporak: (from the kitchen) Ouch! Hey, watch where you're going! You almost stepped in my cheese!

Matau: Yep, just a typical day in my house, as usual.

*Matau sits down at his desk*

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau! the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail) and I (and Nokama) answer them in hilarious ways! Computer, begin--

[FLASHBACK]

*On the Island of Mata Nui, shortly after the Metru's first arrival on the island*

Matau: Hey, guys! Check this out!

Nokama:

Matau: And...girl...

Nokama: Much better!

Onewa: What? I'm too busy to bother with you right now...

Matau: Why are you busy?

Vakama: It's all my fault!

Onewa: *shrugs* Vakama's fault, apparently.

Matau: Who cares? Anyway, check out this new vehicle I bought! I call it the BEACHICYCLE!

Onewa: Weird name.

Matau: I'm about to start my first test run! Watch!

Nuju: Matau, this vehicular construct for wheeled motion does not appear to be entirely stable; its molecular ratio does not equivocate with the apparent mass of the--

Matau: Nobody cares except you. Anyway, watch this!

*Matau jumps onto a vehicle that looks like a cross between a unicycle, a Takea shark, a tree, and a car, and starts riding it along the beach. Predictably, the whole thing spontaneously collapses and Matau goes flying straight into a conveniently placed boulder.*

Nuju: It would appear there was an error in your willingness to acquiesce to my intelligently informed and scientifically based suggestion for your further course of action.

Onewa: In other words, epic fail!

Nokama:

Vakama: It's all my fault your swampicycle collapsed!

[/FLASHBACK]

Matau: That...was odd. And embarrassing! But mostly odd.

Keelerak: Seriously, we haven't even gotten a question yet.

Boggarak: That flashback had absolutely nothing to do with anything! I hate randomness.

Matau: Oh, whatever. Computer, initiate program C/Users/matauisawesome/Program Files/eddiethespamdeleter.exe.

Eddie the Spam Deleter:

Computer: You have 5 new messages. Displaying first message:

Matau,

How do you like my Flashback Virus?

Bob the Pirate

Matau: Oh, right. I almost forgot about him! Now that flashback makes sense.

Boggarak: Why doesn't this guy just give up and leave us alone?

Matau: Who knows...

*Roporak comes running in from the kitchen with Vohtarak stuck behind him with cheese*

Roporak: CHEESE!!

Vohtarak: Somebody stop this crazy ride!

Matau: Huh. I wonder what's happened this time.

Keelerak: It's probably better not to ask.

[FLASHBACK]

Matau: Huh. I wonder what's happened this time.

Keelerak: It's probably better not to ask.

[/FLASHBACK]

Matau: Umm...Did we just get a flashback from a few seconds ago?

Vohtekra: yahe adn its rpaobly form te vriuz!

Boggarak: Maybe that virus is responsible for your spelling errors, too...?

vowernhguq: no tihs is wat hpanpens wehn rpoarpkk dirvez me 2 karzyy

Roporak: CHEESE!

Boggarak: :boink:

Oohnorak: Don't you mean "blink?"

Boggarak: Oh yeah. Whoops!

Matau: Umm...whatever. Suukorak, can you fix Vohtarak for me please? I don't want this comedy getting closed due to chatspeak.

Suukorak: ...

*Suukorak fixes Vohtarak*

Vohtarak: Yay! I can talk normal again! Matau, can I go play Battle for Mata Nui now?

Matau: No, my show isn't over yet! I think I liked you better when you couldn't speak properly...Oh well. Computer, next question!

Dear Matau,

Are you a clutz? You seem like a natural, because you always bump into stuff in the movies.

From, Hahligirl56

Matau: Didn't we already cover this subject in the first chapter? I'm sick of people saying I'm clumsy.

Oohnorak: Well, if that first flashback in this chapter is any indication...you are. Now me, on the other hand, I'm a perfect example of grace and finesse--

*Oohnorak trips over his own legs and crashes into the wall*

Matau: You were saying?

Oohnorak: Never mind.

Matau: Computer, let's get the next question and--

[FLASHBACK]

Keelerak: You still haven't answered the question.

Matau: What question? Oh, right. Well, my favorite adventure probably has to be the time I convinced Vakama to ride one of my vehicles around the Test Track. That was back when we were still Matoran...time for a flashback!

[FLASHBACK]

*Matau and Vakama (as Matoran) are standing in the Test Track, with Matau's LoMN vehicle parked behind him*

Matau: Oh, come on, it's fun! I've done it loads of times!

Vakama: No, it's all my fault.

Matau: I'll pay you three widgets if you try it!

Vakama: It's all my fault you have to pay me three widgets!

Matau: *sigh* Okay, then you pay me three widgets if you fly it.

Vakama: But then it's all my fault that I'm paying you three widgets!

Matau: How about I ride it with you, and we forget the widgets?

Vakama: Okay!

*They board the vehicle and fly through the Test Track. On one of the curves, Vakama goes flying off and splats into the wall, while Matau keeps going. He runs into Toa Lhikan and...you know the rest.*

Matau: Thanks, Lhikan! *grabs Toa Stone and walks over to Vakama* Hey Vakama, wasn't that fun? Let's do it again!

Vakama: It's all my fault I hit the wall!

Matau: Never mind, forget it. Maybe next time I can get Orkahm to fly it with me instead.

[/FLASHBACK]

[/FLASHBACK]

Matau: Uhh...okay...?

Boggarak: A flashback inside a flashback? Now I've seen everything.

Matau: I'm really getting sick of Bob's virus. Computer, send a message to Bob the Pirate and attach...well, you know the file.

Computer: It's done!

*At Bob the Pirate's house...*

iPirate Computer the Headbanger: You've got mail!

Bob the Pirate: Let's open it, then.

Bob the Pirate ,

Thanks for the Flashback Virus. I really enjoyed it; in fact, I enjoyed it so much that I sent you a thank-you present in return! Open it right away!

Matau

[Attached file: C/Users/matauisawesome/Program Files/LiteralElementsPlus/literalairmail.exe]

Bob the Pirate: For the last time, my name is Bob the Pirate , not Bob the Pirate ! Oh well, I might as well open this attachment and--

*A tornado erupts out of his computer and blows him into the middle of the Endless Ocean*

Bob the Pirate: I really should have seen that coming.

*Back with Matau*

Matau: Awesome! Now that we don't have any more flashbacks to worry about, let's move on to the next question.

Computer: Displaying Message 3.

Dear Matau,

Did you ever get a decent education? How do you expect to make money by being a former Ussal rider, a Toa of Air, and a talk-show host?! Dude, you must be desperate!

From, once again, Hahligirl56

Matau: You again? Oh, fine, I'll answer your question. Of course I got a decent education! I grew up in Metru Nui, we all had to go to school in Ga-Metru, obviously. In fact, that was where I met Nokama!

*Nokama walks in*

Nokama: So, are we having another flashback, then? I love flashbacks!

Matau: No! I'm sick of flashbacks.

Nokama: Oh, but I really want to see this one!

Matau: Okay, but only for you, Nokama. Let's have an intentional flashback this time!

[FLASHBACK]

*Matau (as a Matoran) is walking into the Ga-Metru High School for his first day, along with Vakama. Nokama is randomly standing nearby.*

Matau: Wow, Vakama, check out that hot Ga-Matoran over there! She sure looks hot, doesn't she?

Vakama: I dunno. This mask makes it hard to see. I'm also nearsighted...

Matau: Oh, well, she's all mine I guess! Awesome!

*Nuju walks by*

Nuju: It is impossible for a Ga-Matoran to be classified as "hot," which would imply that she had some command of the Fire Element. As a Ga-Matoran, she, like any other Matoran of that type, commands the Water Element, which is second only to my own Ice Element in general low temperatures. In fact--

Matau & Vakama: NERD!

Nuju: You pitiful uninformed Matoran are unable to appreciate my higher faculties of intelligence.

*Matau walks up to Nokama*

Matau: Hey there, hottie! My name's Matau, but you can call me Awesome--

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Matau: Ouch...that hurt!

Nokama: This is going to be a great relationship, I can already tell!

Onewa:

Matau: HEY!

[/FLASHBACK]

Nokama: I miss those days.

Matau: I don't! Back then you were always slapping me!

Nokama: And you were acting like an egotistical weirdo!

Matau: I was not! I'm way too awesome to act like that! But anyway, did you want to go out--

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Keelerak: *sighs* Some things just never change, I see.

Computer: Now displaying next message.

Matau: Let's read it, then!

Dear Mautau,

You lovingly adopted one of each of the main six Visorak when Vakama Cruely left them to the streets to fend for themselves. However, you never adopted the seventh Visorak breed. Will you adopt me?

Signed, a concerned Kahgarak.

Matau: Hey, you spelled my name wrong!

Nokama: Just answer the question already!

Matau: Unfortunately, the answer is no, just like I said after the Battle in the Coliseum. And the reason is that there is no way in Karzahni I would be able to fit a Kahgarak in any of the rooms of this house!

*Takanuva appears*

Takanuva: THERE IS NO SWEARING IN BIONICLE!

Matau: Get back to your own comedy!

*Takanuva jumps back into The Nuva Inn*

Matau: Although, now that you mention it, I heard that the Ussal Cart drivers are looking for a Kahgarak to help them pull their new Semi Truck Carts for huge loads...maybe you can get a job and buy your own house?

Kahgarak: Awesome! Thanks, Matau!

*Kahgarak goes outside to visit the Ussal Cart drivers*

Matau: Next question, then!

matau

do you think you and nokama will ever get married?

kotam

Matau: I sure hope so! That would be awesome!

Nokama: How would you even afford a wedding? Toa don't get paid, you know...

Matau: Maybe I can have Roporak sell his huge cheese collection. Although, now that you mention money, I was originally planning to become an airship racer and get super rich!

Keelerak: So why didn't you, then?

Matau: That stupid and old Turaga Lhikan gave me a Toa Stone, that's why! And Toa aren't allowed to race airships! ...Although, come to think of it, I do enjoy having Toa-Hero powers...

*Turaga Lhikan randomly walks in*

Turaga Lhikan: Hey! Who are you calling "stupid and old?" I can hear you, young whippersnapper! Now, when I was your age...

Matau: What are you talking about? I never called you "stupid and old!" I said...umm..."Yunid and Fold!"

Turaga Lhikan: Oh, okay. My hearing sure is getting worse lately...I should find my hearing aid. Now where did I put that darned thing...

*Turaga Lhikan wanders out*

Matau: *shudders* I hope I never have to become a Turaga.

Boggarak: Seriously, "Yunid and Fold?" Only a complete moron would say something like that.

*Krekka walks past the window*

Krekka: Yunid and Fold!

Boggarak: See? I told you so.

Krekka: Yunid and Fold! Yunid and Fold! Yunid and Fold!

Nidhiki: Shut up already, you moron!

Krekka: Fold and Yunid!

Nidhiki: *sighs*

Matau: Oh, whatever. Next question, computer!

Computer: No more messages for you.

Matau: Too bad. I guess we should just end the chapter, then...

*A flock of pelicans fly in through a randomly appeared skylight, open the refrigerator, eat a turkey, and then fly away through the basement window*

Matau: But my basement doesn't even have a window!

Lewa0111: See if you can beat that, Gali1000!

Gali1000: Oh, just you wait and see...

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,932 words.

~Lewa# Studios

Lewa0111 Nuva

AND

Gali1000 Nuva

Edited by Lewa0111 Nuva, Nov 02 2011 - 07:56 PM.

[Toa Kapurkar--Rail Blazer]

Wow, random flashbacks. I think that school one is new...although what was that next to Matau's name? When he and Vakama called Nuju a nerd?

I don't think a flock of pelicans could fit through a basement window...then again, I'm not sure ONE pelican could...

[Festus Flare]

Wow, I remember this comedy! It was so long I lost count to where I was and gave up, pretty funny. I'm gonna send you a question (or something similar) for sure.

[Field Marshal Rakmon]

Oh cool, you had my question. Um... Good for Mr. Kahgarak?

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

@Kapurkar: No idea why that happened, but it was supposed to be the "and" sign. When I went into the edit box, it just showed up normally, so I have no idea.

Ask Matau!
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Chapter 12: Not Many Questions

Oohnorak: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Oohnorak#, the show where you ask me questions and I answer them in hilarious ways! So, Computer, how many messages for me?

Computer: Error. User not authorized to access computer. Initiating Ultimate Toa-Hero Antivirus Security System...

Oohnorak: Security system? What security--

*A huge fist flies out of the computer and punches Oohnorak in the face, sending him flying out the window*

Matau: Ha! I knew installing that security system was a good idea! Nobody steals my comedy, not even Oohnorak! Now, let's go ahead and--VOHTARAK!!

Vohtarak: What? The computer was empty, so I used it! I'm on the Ga-Koro level of Battle of Mata Nui!

Matau: Get off.

Vohtarak: Make me!

Matau: *sighs* Don't you ever learn?

*Matau summons a windstorm, blowing Vohtarak out the window where he lands on top of Oohnorak*

Oohnorak: HEY!!

Matau: Much better. HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks) and I (and Nokama) answer them in hilarious ways!

Keelerak: So, what's going on today, Matau? Why aren't you starting your computer like usual?

Matau: Because I'm waiting for Nokama to get here! She told me she was interested in becoming a permanent main character on this comedy, and said she'd be right over as soon as I started my show.

Keelerak: Yeah, right.

*Knock*

Matau: That must be her! Let me just get the door and--

Roporak: CHEESE!!

*Roporak flies past Matau and slams into the door, which somehow opens it to reveal Nokama standing on the other side. Roporak then trips over his own feet and accidentally sprays the cheese spray bottle he was carrying all over Nokama's mask*

Nokama: Matau!!

Matau: What? I didn't even do anything!

Roporak: I love cheese!

Nokama: Matau, haven't you even considered trying to train Roporak better? He's becoming almost as obsessed with cheese as Tava is with pie.

Tava: Hey! At least I can speak normally...I'm nowhere near as bad as he is!

Roporak: CHEESE!

Tava: See?

Matau: *sighs* Tava, get out of here.

Tava: Pie!

*Tava jumps through a time-comedy warp vortex*

Matau: And as for Roporak, I have tried training him. It...didn't go so well.

Nokama: Really? Let's see a flashback, then!

Matau: No, don't--

Keelerak: Too late!

[FLASHBACK]

*In Matau's house, several months earlier...*

Matau: Now, Roporak, your cheese obsession is getting ridiculous. Last time you accidentally ate the mailmatoran because he was wearing yellow. So I'm going to lock all of your cheese in this closet and see if you can go for a whole minute without it. Ready? Go.

Roporak: ...

Suukorak: ...

Roporak: ...CHEESE! MUST HAVE CHEESE!! ALKJSDFALSIGADBKSEJIOHGWOIEHGBJFNDUSHLIHEKUAHG!!

*Roporak charges toward the closet, knocks Matau over, and busts the door open, sending a humongous waterfall of cheese erupting out of the closet and drenching Matau*

Roporak: CHEESE!

Matau: Oww...

[/FLASHBACK]

Matau: I guess you could say that story was really...cheesy!

Nokama: *groans* Matau...

Matau: What? It was funny!

Nokama: The only thing funny about that was your flashback. Your pun was just dumb.

Matau: Oh, whatever.

*A giant carrot appears in midair and starts bopping the pelicans on the head*

Gali1000: How's that for random, Lewa0111?

Lewa0111: Nice try, but just wait until the next chapter...

Matau: Can we please just get back to the point of this comedy? You know, me?

Nokama: There is no point to this comedy.

Keelerak: She has a point there.

Matau: Good point.

Boggarak: Points are pointy!

Matau: Shut up. Computer, activate program C/Users/matauisawesome/Program Files/eddiethespamdeleter.exe.

Eddie the Spam Deleter:

Matau: Computer, how many messages for me today?

Computer: You have 2 new messages.

Matau: Huh, only two? Really?

Computer: Yes, really.

Matau: That's disappointing. Oh well, open the first message, then...

Dear Matau,

Can you tell a joke please? I've never heard one of your jokes before just don't make it have to do with Vakama.

Nokama: Ooh, this should be interesting...

Matau: Tell a joke? Sure, I have hundreds of jokes! How about the one where Vakama was--

Keelerak: The message specifically says it can't involve Vakama.

Matau: Well, that eliminates every joke I know! Oh, wait, never mind. I've got one! Ahem:

There were three Ko-Matoran in a freezer.

The first one said, "..."

The second one said, "Hey, it's cold in here."

The third one said, "AAH! A talking Ko-Matoran!"

*crickets chirping*

Matau: Isn't that a great joke?

*more crickets chirping*

Matau: Wow, tough crowd...

Nokama: That joke was terrible! It didn't even make sense!

Suukorak: ... (Translation: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, That joke was hilarious! Oh, man, that was great!)

Boggarak: Matau, just stick to running your show. You'd never make it in comedy.

Matau: Fine. You're no fun. Next question, Computer...

Computer: Displaying Message 2.

"hve the visorak evr tortured you?"

TN644
p.s. you shall nevr know
p.s.s. i like applsauce
p.s.s.s. all yr bass belong to jarjar binks
p.s.s.s.s. barney is behined you
p.s.s.s.s.s.whats your worst nightmare?

Matau: Another multi-part question? Fine. Let's see, 1) Hve the Visorak ever tortured me? What does "hve" mean, anyway?

Boggarak: Short for "Humvee," I'd assume.

Keelerak: You're both wrong. It's a typo, it should say "Have!" Only a moron would think "hve" stood for "Humvee!"

*Krekka drives past in a Humvee*

Krekka: I love driving my new hve! *drives away*

Keelerak: Told you so! Now just answer the question, Matau.

Matau: Okay, so, 1) Have the Visorak ever tortured me? Well, unless you count that time back when they were still evil and mutated me and the other four Toa Metru, then no, they haven't. If they did, they'd be kicked out of the house, and Keelerak wouldn't be able to help me with my show, Oohnorak wouldn't get to talk about how he's the greatest Visorak ever, Boggarak wouldn't get to make cynical comments about the show, Vohtarak wouldn't be able to play BIONICLE online games, Roporak wouldn't be able to eat cheese, and Suukorak wouldn't be able to sit in a corner acting like a Ko-Matoran. So no, they'd never torture me. Is that it?

Nokama: Matau, you have to answer the P.S.'s, too.

Matau: *sighs* Oh, fine. Anything for you, hottie!

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Matau: What did I say?

Boggarak: He'll never learn.

Keelerak: No kidding.

Matau: Oh, whatever, let's just move on. 2) you shall nevr know. Never know what? This makes no sense! 3) i like applsauce. I don't really care. But Bulasauce is way better than applesauce! 4) all yr bass belong to jarjar binks. Well, this is a confusing statement. Who's jarjar binks? And does he mean my "bass," as in the fish, or "bass," as in the instrument, or "bass," as in a typo of "base?" Either way, I don't own any of those three things, so it doesn't matter! 5) barney is behined you. WHAT!? AAH! My worst nightmare!

*Matau runs off in a corner and cowers under his desk*

Nokama: Wow, all that from just a question. Since Matau's apparently too scared to continue his show, I might as well answer the last P.S. 6) whats your worst nightmare?

*Nokama glances at Matau*

Nokama: His worst nightmare is Barney, apparently. Which, by the way, is absolutely hilarious...

Matau: Hey, it is fair and just!

Nokama: Yes, it is! I totally agree!

Matau: What the--HEY!

Keelerak: Word filters are fun, aren't they?

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,261 words.

~Lewa# Studios

Lewa0111 Nuva

[JiMing]

Hey, where was the random thing Gali1000 Nuva was going to do? Besides that, that chapter was laugh-out-loud hilarious as usual!

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

@JiMing: Gali1000 did something random a little after the Roporak flashback!

Anyway, sorry about the wait, guys. I should hopefully be caught up to TNI now, since I had to wait for a certain character to show up in that comedy before rewriting the next Matau chapter. And now, here it is!

Ask Matau!
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Chapter 13: Emoticon Madness

*Matau walks into the living room*

Matau: Okay, Vohtarak, it's time for my show. I need the computer!

Vohtarak: But I just started playing MNOG2! I finally beat Battle for Mata Nui yesterday!

Boggarak: Oh, great, just what we need. Another BIONICLE online game for him to obsess over.

Oohnorak: Hey, on the bright side, at least he changes his obsession every few chapters...unlike someone else we all know.

Roporak: Okay, who took my cheese supply? I need cheese right now!

Oohnorak: Umm...I definitely didn't stuff it all into the Sea of Protodermis because I was annoyed with your cheese obsession...

Roporak: That's it! You are so dead!

*A very angry Roporak chases Oohnorak out of the house*

Boggarak: I guess Oohnorak had a point there.

Vohtarak: Okay, I'll get off the computer. But let me know as soon as it's finished so I can go back on!

Matau: Whatever.

*Vohtarak goes into the kitchen*

Matau: About time! HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions) and I (and Nokama) answer them in hilarious ways! Computer, activate program C/Users/matauisawesome/Program Files/eddiethespamdeleter.exe.

Eddie the Spam Deleter:

Computer: You have 5 new messages.

Matau: Awesome! Then let's...hey, what's that noise? VOHTARAK!

Vohtarak: What? I'm not anywhere near your computer!

Matau: But what are you doing?

Vohtarak: I'm watching TV.

Matau: We have a TV in the kitchen? Who installed that?

Keelerak: That was you, Matau.

Matau: Oh. Whatever, anyway, let's just start answering some--

Kitchen TV: I am Takanuva, Toa of Light!

Vohtarak: (from kitchen) WHAT!? Takua is the seventh Toa? That's amazing!

Boggarak: Stop being so dramatic, that's the 9q72377458729843589221th time you've watched that movie!

Vohtarak: So?

Boggarak: *sighs* Never mind.

Matau: Well, FINALLY, if the Visorak would learn to just be quiet, we can get--

Vohtarak:

Keelerak:

*Boggarak hits the "display subtitles" button on a randomly appeared remote control*

Matau's Subtitles: {All right, who fired the emoticon spinner?}

Keelerak's Subtitles: {Somehow we're stuck talking in emoticons forever!}

Vohtarak's Subtitles: {WOW! JALLER LIVES!}

Boggarak's Subtitles: {Why are you even in this comedy, Vohtarak? Shut up and stop getting off topic! We need to figure out a way to fix this.}

Suukorak's Subtitles: {Well, first things first, we need to figure out how this happened. Maybe someone did this to us...}

Matau, Boggarak, Keelerak, and Vohtarak:

Suukorak's Subtitles: {What?}

Keelerak's Subtitles: {YOU CAN SPEAK!}

Suukorak's Subtitles: {Yeah, so? It's like you've never heard of a talking Suukorak...}

Boggarak's Subtitles: {That's because we haven't.}

Keelerak's Subtitles: {A talking white BIONICLE character at all is incredibly rare, to be honest...}

Matau's Subtitles: {HEY! That's reverse racism! Do you want this comedy to be closed?}

Keelerak's Subtitles: {Sorry. You have a point there. It's just...Suukorak talking...it's a sure sign of the apocalypse or something...}

Suukorak's Subtitles: {If we're done being astonished over the fact that I can speak, we should focus on fixing this emoticon problem. Does anyone know who caused this?}

Matau's Subtitles: {Well, that's obvious. Knowing this comedy, it's probably Bob the Pirate}

Matau: .

Bob the Pirate: IT'S , NOT !

Computer:

Matau's Subtitles: {What's with the Coffee?}

Computer's Subtitles: {Displaying first message.}

To the Cast of Ask Matau!,

MWAHAHAHAHA! You thought Bob the Pirate was bad? Think again! Face the wrath of Joe the Coffee Rahkshi 's EMOTICON VIRUS!

Everyone's Subtitles: {JOE THE COFFEE RAHKSHI!?!?!?!?}

Boggarak's Subtitles: {Now I've seen everything...}

*Boggarak sighs*

Suukorak's Subtitles: {Well, we've got a perpetrator. Now how do we undo this?}

Matau's Subtitles: {Send Joe some Literal Air Mail?}

Bob the Pirate: Oh, never mind. I'll take care of this myself...I have taking over Ask Matau! and sending random viruses copyrighted! Joe, enjoy some Literal Pirate Emoticon Mail!

Joe the Coffee Rahkshi ,

Nice job sending Ask Matau! a virus! Here's a present for you for doing such a good job of totally not stealing my idea. Open it right away!

[Attached file: C/users/captainarrgh/Program Files/Literal Emoticons Gold Edition/literalpirateemoticons.exe]

*Joe opens the link and gets swamped in a barrage of pirate emoticons exploding out of his computer*

Bob the Pirate: Ha, take that! Bye!

*Bob the Pirate leaves*

Matau: Well, that was weird. But at least we can talk normally again!

Keelerak: What a relief!

Matau: Now that this is over, let's get back to the normal stuff. Computer, display the next question!

Computer: Displaying Message 2.

Dear Matau,
Do you like to play with Lego Bricks?
From, Thoko
p.s. I think you are ugly

Matau: At least this is a normal question. Of course I like to play with LEGO Bricks! Those are my favorite sets over there.

*Matau points to a shelf with 932,743,361,774,019,642,557,313,804 "Toa Matau" sets on it*

Matau: And those are my other favorites!

*Matau points to the shelf below it, which has an equal number of "Toa Nokama" sets on it, all with hearts on them with the word "HOTTIE" written on the hearts*

Matau: Good thing Nokama's not here, or I'd probably get slapped for that...whatever.

*Matau reads the P.S.*

Matau: WHAT? How dare you? Revenge time!

Thoko,

Thanks for your lovely comment on my appearance. I went to the Metru Nui Spa and underwent a full treatment. I attached a picture, so take a look and let me know what you think! Open it right away, ok?

Matau

[Attached file: C/users/matauisawesome/Program Files/Literal Elements Plus/literalairmail.exe]

*Shortly thereafter, a huge tornado is seen at Thoko's house, blasting Thoko into the stratosphere*

Matau:

Keelerak: Oh no! The emoticon virus is back!

Matau: Nah, I'm just grinning because Thoko got blasted into the air.

Keelerak: Oh. Phew.

Matau: Next question please!

Dear Matau,
youre just jealous because the voice only talk to me...
Do you like pie?

Loyal fan (and sole audience to the voice),

Twitchy

Matau: Huh. What a weird message. This guy reminds me of Vakama pre-blaming himself days. He was always hearing voices in his head, and no, I am definitely not jealous of that! As for the pie, don't even mention pie around Iruini. Trust me, it's a bad idea...actually, this seems like a good time for a flashback. We haven't had one in a while!

*Boggarak groans*

[FLASHBACK]

*Matau and Iruini are standing around outside the Moto-Hub*

Matau: You know what, Iruini? I'm starting to get kinda hungry. We haven't eaten since this morning!

Iruini: Same here.

Matau: You're always hungry!

Iruini: I know! So, what do you think we should eat?

Matau: Well, some Matoran named Tava recently opened a pie shop...

Iruini: PIE?? PIE! PIE! PPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!! AIUSJFDAIRSJGNVDIDSJDRHJGIJSIEWIUWAOTIJGRKJV983748IHJGUDSRHJR PIE!!11!one!

Matau: Umm...you okay?

Iruini: PIE!

*Iruini runs around hyperly, running over Matau, then racing off at faster than the speed of light to the pie shop*

[/FLASHBACK]

Keelerak: Never mind, I take back what I said earlier. Tava and Iruini ever teaming up--now that's a sign of the apocalypse.

Matau: Whatever. Next question, computer!

Matau,

Why do you wear a mask that makes you look like a monkey? It makes you non-awesome, you know.

Thok

Matau: Okay, who's this Thok guy and why does he keep insulting me? You'd think he'd have learned his lesson after last time...

Keelerak: Umm...that was Thoko. This is just Thok. They're not the same person.

Matau: Oh. In that case...LITERAL AIR MAIL TIME!

*I'm not even going to bother telling you what happens next.*

Matau: And for the record, if you want a mask that looks like a monkey, look no farther than Onewa's!

Onewa: I HEARD THAT!

Matau: He hears everything...somehow. All right, next question, Computer!

Dear Matau,

I would like to inform you that Whenua (the Toa Metru of Earth) is coming over to stay with you for... about 3 chapters. You are to actually agree that he exists and interact with him. If you do not listen to these demands, I will have no choice but to fire a Tactical Sonic Rain-Nuke at your house.

Sincerely,
A fan

Matau: ...Who in Mata Nui's name is Whenua? I've never heard of him.

Suukorak's Subtitles: {Apparently he's another Toa Metru.}

Matau: Can't be. I know the five Toa Metru are: myself, Nokama the hottie, Nuju the nerd, Onewa the annoying one, and Vakama the self-blaming one!

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Onewa: I am not annoying!

Nuju: According to the square dimensions of the third theorem of equations of differential calculus, the word "nerd" cannot be accurately used to describe a personage of the...

Vakama: It's all my fault I'm the self-blaming one!

Matau: Well, I don't want a nuke fired at my house. So if this "Whenua" exists, I'm asking him now to hurry up and come stay with me in the next chapter to keep me safe! Please!

Nokama: I'll see what I can do. But yeah, you're right, I've never heard of him either. Huh...

Keelerak: You should try looking in Onu-Metru.

Nokama: Okay, I will!

Matau: Thanks, hottie!

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Matau: ...Should have seen that one coming.

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,529 words.

~Lewa# Studios

Lewa0111 Nuva