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[Toa of Nerds]

Product Twenty-Two (Hacker Smacker)

Announcer: These passed weeks have been trying times for BZPower. For at this time, BZPower was suddenly and deliberately attacked. When this happened, we weren’t sure if we could go on. After all, in the midst of war, can you really sell useless stuff? But then I realized to myself: how can you live without buying useless stuff? SO WE PRESS ON TO SELLING USELESS STUFF!!!

Audience: Yay!

Announcer: But this product isn’t useless! I, and all other BZPers, hope that such an attack will never happen again. So make sure it will never happen again with the Hacker Smacker!

Audience: Yes!

Announcer: The Hacker Smacker is guaranteed to prevent any hacking attempts by Smacking the Hacker!

Audience: Wow!

Announcer: This new and revolutionary cyber defense program will insure BZPower remains online for a lifetime!

Audience: Incredible!

Announcer: Instead of relying on the incredibly lame powers of actual cyber defense, the Hacker Smacker relies on psychological powers!

Audience: What?

Announcer: That’s right! Instead of actually preventing the hacker’s access to the database, the Hacker Smacker displays a barrage of Windows-esc messages asking him or her if they are sure about that, if they want save their progress, if they’re really sure they want to do that, and informing them of “error code: STOP 0x09943138”!

Audience: Wow!

Announcer: Basically, it annoys the heck out of any non-Windows user!

Audience: What if they hacker doesn’t boot Windows?

Announcer: Hah! Well, if the person in question is actually booting Windows, then they obviously aren’t a competent hacker and we don’t’ have to worry about them!

Audience: Huzzah!

Announcer: What’s amazing about this is that it slowly works its way into the mind of the hacker; gradually sapping their will to ever touch a computer again!

Audience: You can’t get that anywhere else!

Announcer: That’s right, and you can’t get it at a lower price: $19.95!

Audience: $19.95!

Announcer: That’s right, you get peace of mind with only a piece of your paycheck! Hackers will never want to deal with these annoying pop-ups again! Check out the Hacker Smacker in action:










Audience: Wow!

Announcer: With that, you’d never want to hack again!

Audience: That’s right!

Announcer: So call now and keep your database hacker-free!

Edited by Toa of Nerds, May 05 2012 - 02:29 PM.

[Toa of Nerds]

This week, I'd like to make an announcement. First of all, I would like to thank all of you for reading and enjoying my comedy. Your feedback has made this thing worthwhile for me. Writing this comedy has been incredibly enjoyable for me, however, sometimes the challenge of coming up with a new product every week wears on me. For this reason, I need a break.

That's why I'm announcing that May 26 will be the season finale for UBZPJTYMH! This is not the end. This comedy will return on Saturday, July 28. That happens to be my birthday. No, that is not a coincidence . I'm still open to suggestions, as always, but keep in mind that if you make a suggestion now, you won't see your product until season 2. Thank you so much, and I hope you'll come back for season 2 !

Anyway, enough of that, on with today's chapter!

Product Twenty-Three (Undegree-ME!)

This product was inspired by a recent trip I took to Vanderbilt University, which, when you think about it, is a little ironic.

Announcer: Have you ever applied for a job but got turned down because you’re “overqualified”?

Audience: Yes!

Announcer: Has that electrical engineering degree you got from community college been a huge dead weight on your career?

Audience: Yes!

Announcer: Well, then fear not! Because we here at Useless BZPower Junk That You Must Have! Have found a solution?

Audience: You have?

Announcer: Yes, we have! Now, let me proudly introduce: Undegree-ME!

Audience: AH!

Announcer: Undegree-ME! is an online course guaranteed to strip you of all the knowledge you obtained in college!

Audience: Wow!

Announcer: Busy schedule? Can’t travel? No problem, because Undegree-ME! works with you to make you dumber.

Audience: Nice!

Announcer: Study anywhere you want and learn at your own pace using our patented Online Stupidity Center ™.

Audience: Amazing!

Announcer: When you first order the program, you will get a password to your My Online Stupidity Center ™ account! From there you will take our diagnostic test to determine where you are! Here, have a look:

The following words or phrases are designed to elicit emotional responses that we can use to determine your current level. Please select the response that best reflects your reaction to the word or phrase:

Washington

A. First US President
B. A Northwestern American State, bordering Oregon and Idaho
C. The Capitol of the USA
D. He was that old dude in the powdered wig, right?

The correct answer is D. A indicates a knowledge of history, whereas B and C indicate a knowledge of geography.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

A. Amazing
B. Fantastic
C. Insightful
D. Dumb

The correct answer is D. A, B, and C indicate an appreciation for high culture.


Sesame Street

A. Educational
B. Good children’s program
C. Eh, the Muppets are better
D. Oh God the math is too hard .

The correct answer is D. A indicates that you learned something at one point in your life. B suggests knowledge of childhood development. C suggests an above average appreciation for felt.

All of the answers to this test are:

A. A
B. B
C. C
D. D

A, B, and C are all correct. D suggests logical thinking.

True or False: the answer to the previous question was logically impossible

A. True
B. False
C. None of the above

The correct answer is C. A indicates that you have an understanding of logic. B indicates that you answered the previous question incorrectly.

Audience: Wow!

Announcer: And that’s only where your un-education begins!

Audience: All right!

Announcer: Once you complete the diagnostic test, you will be assigned a personalized un-training program!

Audience: Amazing!

Announcer: And the amazing part is that it’s online! So you can un-study and un-learn in your own time!

Audience: Yes!

Announcer: Too busy not working? No problem, just log in when you’re ready! It’s like online college, except it isn’t!

Audience: No it isn’t!

Announcer: This course will empty your brain faster than re-runs of Two and Half Men! Instructors will teach you tips on how to consciously suppress the urge to learn!

Audience: Learning how to never learn again!

Announcer: Exactly. There are specific courses on Unlearning Math, Unlearning Logic, Unlearning English, and Learning Pop Culture.

Audience: Wow!

Announcer: And all of it for less than you paid for college!

Audience: Incredible!

Announcer: That’s right for only 4 easy payments of $1,995, you can unlearn everything you ever learned! That’s less than the price of ONE year of college! Why should unlearning stuff cost more than learning stuff after all?

Audience: Yeah!

Announcer: So what are you waiting for? Order now! It’ll be the dumbest decision you’ve ever made.

[Bulik]

This was one of the better chapters.

" the math is too hard."
and the other answers were hilarious! some answers I would have picked right (questions 2 and 4)

And my uncle works at vanderbuilt.

[Dralcax]

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

A. Amazing
B. Fantastic
C. Insightful
D. Dumb

The correct answer is D. A, B, and C indicate an appreciation for high culture.

Hey....

[fishers64]

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

A. Amazing
B. Fantastic
C. Insightful
D. Dumb

The correct answer is D. A, B, and C indicate an appreciation for high culture.

Hey....

Appreciation for high culture =/= inteligence.


Anyway, good chapter as usual, Toa of Nerds.

[Toa of Nerds]

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

A. Amazing
B. Fantastic
C. Insightful
D. Dumb

The correct answer is D. A, B, and C indicate an appreciation for high culture.

Hey....

Appreciation for high culture =/= inteligence.


Anyway, good chapter as usual, Toa of Nerds.

Grrr, semantics.

-don't touch my pocket protector

[JiMing]

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

A. Amazing
B. Fantastic
C. Insightful
D. Dumb

The correct answer is D. A, B, and C indicate an appreciation for high culture.

Hey....

Appreciation for high culture =/= inteligence.


Anyway, good chapter as usual, Toa of Nerds.

Grrr, semantics.

-don't touch my pocket protector

A, B, and C DO show an appreciation of high culture!

This is the best comedy since The Nuva Inn to me! I wish you good luck on future chapters!

[Toa of Nerds]

Product Twenty-Four (Season One DVD Collection)

Announcer: Season one of UBZPJTUMH is almost over! But is that gonna stop us from peddling stuff to you?

Audience: No!

Announcer: That’s right, because on June 1^st UBZPJTUMH!: Season One! comes out on DVD!

Audience: Gasp! A written comedy on DVD!

Announcer: That’s right! Its totally useless, but you—

Audience: MUST HAVE IT!

Announcer: That’s the spirit!

Audience: Yay! Compliments!

Announcer: That’s right! This Collector’s Edition DVD Collection for Collectors ™ contains all of your favorite UBZPJTUMH! episodes with tons of bonus content!

Audience: Incredible!

Announcer: Now you could just read the chapters free on the internet, but why would you do that when you can spend money on them?

Audience: Yeah!

Announcer: Instead of reading them in your head, we have hilariously bad celebrity impersonators read them to you!
Audience: Sweet!

Announcer: We’ve got James Burl Jones, Morgan Teedman, Tom Banks, Willy Mays, and Billy Mays!

Audience: Gasp!

Announcer: That’s right! The guy we got to play Billy Mays is named Willy Mays and the guy we got to play Billy Mays is named Willy Mays! Coincidence?

Audience: No!

Announcer: Of course it is! This comedy isn’t that smart!

Audience: Oh.

Announcer: But that isn’t all, you get the full contents of this comedy in a snazzy collector’s edition font that is annoying to read!

Audience: Wow!

Announcer: Yep! If Comic Sans wasn't annoying enough, we've taken it and made it massive and bolded!

Audience: Awesome!

Announcer: That’s right, you could read it online for free, but you won’t get that snazzy font that you never knew you wanted—until now!

Audience: Sweet!

Announcer: But that isn’t all, you also get the author’s commentary on both the audio copy and annoying-font version!

Audience: How do you do author’s commentary on text?

Announcer: The same way they do director’s commentary on movies:



Announcer: You just layer the commentary on top of the content so it’s impossible to discern either!

Audience Wow!

Announcer: But that isn’t all! You also get a booklet full of concept art, so you can really get into the author's mind while he was writing this! Here's a sample:



Audience: Insightful!

Announcer: And you'll also get several useless and annoying making-of feature-ettes that tell you absolutely nothing!

Audience: OOOH!

Announcer: And a limited edition action figure!

Audience: No way!

Announcer: All of it fitting into this limited edition DVD case!



Audience: Wow! Great cover artwork!

Announcer: That’s right, make sure you get the limited edition case! Here’s a picture of the normal case:



Audience: Lame!

Announcer: Exactly, you want to make sure you get the good stuff! See, look at all that dust around the lame version!

Audience: Yeah!

Announcer: And the only way to get it is to go out to stores on June 1st, but quantities are limited!

Audience: They are?

Announcer: Yes they are, so make sure to get your copy by per-ordering now! For only $79.95 you get all of this as soon as it's released!

Audience: All right!

Announcer: So pick up the phone and pre-order right now!

[Toa of Gallifrey]

Very funny! Something else that makes it follow the criteria of UBZPJTUMH is that it is incomplete, because it doesn't have the season finale. XD

[Toa of Nerds]

Before this chapter, I really want to take the time to thank all of you. Thank you so much for all your feedback. Thanks for being honest, and helping me improve. Thank you for all your wonderful suggestions, as they really made this comedy the best it can be. Please send in more!

Over the passed...wow...30+ weeks, I've had so much fun writing this, and reading your responses. Your feedback has made this comedy the most fulfilling and gratifying writing project I have ever undertaken. I truly can't thank you enough.

Hopefully you'll come back next season

Product Twenty-Five (Season Finale)

Announcer: I’ve got good news and bad news!

Audience: What?

Announcer: The bad news is that UBZPJTUMH! is going out of business.

Audience: Ah.

Announcer: The good news is that we’re giving you great deals on everything we’ve got left!

Audience: Yay!

Announcer: That’s right! Turned out not enough people wanted useless junk, so we’re dropping the price on everything on our all-out, blow-out clear-out end-all sale of all time!

Audience: Huzzah!

Announcer: That’s right, everything must go!


Audience: Really?

Announcer: Really! We’re giving you insane deals on everything!

Audience: *Gasp!*

Announcer: Get Fax-O-Power 50% off! Oscar Mayer spam at 60%, and any DITTO!-bot related product for FREE!!!

Audience: For free?

Announcer: For free! That’s right, now you won’t even have to pay to get infected with the DITTO! virus. We’re that desperate to get it off our hands! PLEASE TAKE IT OFF OUR HANDS!

Audience: We will!

Announcer: Oh, I know you will, because we’re also selling office equipment, too! Get this stapler, actually used in the making of many UBZPJTUMH! products, free with any purchase over $50!

Audience: Wow!

Announcer: But that’s not all, we’re also selling: Computers! Desks! Chairs! Paper Weights! Our Employees’ Sentimental Desk-Clogging Stuff! Our Employees!

Audience: What?

Announcer: That’s right, if you call now you can get Gary for only five EASY payments of $49.95! Slavery is still legal, right?

Well-Dressed Lawyer: Everything’s legal…somewhere .

Announcer: Sweet!

Audience: Sweet!

Announcer: See, everybody wins! Well, except for Gary, but he knew he was pledging himself to a life of thankless service when he signed up to be our intern, now we’re just dropping the pretenses!

Audience: Nice!

Announcer: Yeah, he’s deliver coffee, make copies, grab lunch, staple papers…you know what, on second thought I like Gary. He’s no longer for sale.

Audience: Bummer.

Announcer: But don’t worry, because if you call right now you can get this premium pre-used gum that I found under a desk!

Audience: Gross!

Announcer: But you want it!

Audience: You bet!

Announcer: Well, if you like that, then you’ll love this!

Audience: What?

Announcer: We’ve got 500 cases of industrial grade tacks! These aren’t your ordinary household tacks, these have little barbs at the end to insure they hold on tight!

Audience: Neat!
Announcer: But wait, if you call in the next 15 minutes, then we’ll also give you a piece of UBZPJTUMH! history!

Audience: What?

Announcer: This roll of premium duct tape!

Audience: What?

Announcer: That’s right, this duct tape was actually what held together many of the products you saw on UBZPJTUMH!!

Audience: Really? Which ones?

Announcer: All of them! And I mean that literally!

Audience: Even the software on DVDs?

Announcer: Wait, you actually got those discs to run?

Audience: Um, no…

Announcer: Hah, you got me thinking for a while that they invented a DVD drive that could read duct tape!

Audience: Oh!

Announcer: Anyway, you act right now! These deals won’t last long, so call in before the sheriff evicts us!

Audience: Yes!

Announcer: Call now! We’re bankrupt!

Will UBZPJTUMH! survive? How can a DVD be made out of duct tape? How can there even be a second season when UBZPJTUMH! just closed down? All these answers and more when Useless BZPower Junk That You Must Have! returns on July 28. Don’t miss it!

[Dralcax]

I got it to run! But all I got was a picture of duct tape and a subliminal message.

[ZHX]

I apologise for failing to catch up on your comedy, due to being distracted by other matters. However, I'd like to say that you're doing rather well with your comedy, and I'll try to read everything I've missed as soon as possible.

Also, I want a Limited Edition DVD Boxset.

[rahkshi guurahk]

*buys everything left*

[Toa of Nerds]

IT'S BAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKK!!!

Prologue

Up on a super-secret mountain, in a super-evil lair…

Shadowy Figure: So, my brother’s long-standing project has at last ended…

Evil Minion: Yes, my lord.

Shadowy Figure: Yes, he has written on this so called “comedy” for months, and now it’s bankrupt. It doesn’t surprise me.

Evil Minion: Yes, my lord.

Shadowy Figure: He plans for it to return on his…birthday. Well, I need to send him a message.

Evil Minion: Yes, my lord.

Shadowy Figure: My dear twin—are you writing this down?

Evil Minion: Yes, my lord.

Shadowy Figure: Excellent. My dear twin, now that your enterprise has failed, I believe it’s my turn to take over. I would like to commandeer UBZPJTUMH as a present to myself. Do you know why?

Because it’s my birthday too!!!

[evil laugh]

Make sure you write down that evil laugh.

Evil Minion: Yes, my lord.

Shadowy Figure: Good, it adds punctuation, you see. Now read it back.
Evil Minion: Yes, my lord.

[awkward pause]

Shadowy Figure: Are you going to read it?

Evil Minion: Yes, my lord.

Shadowy Figure: Can you say anything else?

Evil Minion: Yes, my lord.

Shadowy Figure: Um, is that the only thing you can say.

Evil Minion: Yes, my lord.

Shadowy Figure: ARG! WHEN I TOLD MY EVIL SCIENTIST TO CREATE A YES-MINION I DIDN’T MEAN IT THAT LITERALLY!!!



On a busy street corner, a bearded man dressed in rags with an obnoxiously loud voice is yelling at passersby. He is holding what is appears to be a garbage can lid.

Announcer: With this amazing new product you can cook your family a meal in 30 seconds flat! Yes, the Stir-Fry-Sizzler 8000 is the only way to stir-fry that gives you that authentic taste! And it’s so simple to use! Gary!

Gary, also dressed in rags, pushes out an oil drum which appears to have a fire in it.

Announcer: Check this out! Using our Super-Fryer (which is also available for an amazingly low price) we can cook up an amazing meal! Just find a delicious morsel…um…

Announcer looks around for something to cook.

Announcer: Aha! Here, a delicious mouse!

Mouse: Squeak!

Announcer: Just throw that in there!

Stir-Fry-Sizzler 8000: Sizzle!

Mouse: Sizzle!

Announcer: And now you have a delicious meal! What do you think a product like this would be worth?

Random guy on sidewalk: Um, I don’t know.

Announcer: Come on man, work with me here!

Random guy on sidewalk: Uh, maybe a couple of bucks.

Announcer: Seriously? That’s an insult!

Random guy on sidewalk: [shrug]

Announcer: This high-quality product is worth at least $19.95! And that’s a bargain!

Random guy on sidewalk: Yeah…I guess.

Announcer: What if I throw in the Super-Fryer for free?

Random guy on sidewalk: Look, I’ve got this thing that I have to do. You may not know what it is. It’s called WORK!

Announcer: Fine, be like that, and NEVER EAT A QUALITY STIR-FRY IN YOUR LIFE!

Gary: Questioning Look

Announcer: Gary, you don’t have to say that, we still have an author who can write actions!

Mysterious Man: Yes, about that…
Announcer: What? Who are you?

Mysterious Man: It appears as if your author quit his job after you picked up the mouse.

Announcer: So who’s writing this?

Mysterious Man: You’ll soon find out…


To be continued…






Next week I will not be able to post a chapter due to an unexpected trip. However, you can expect a new chapter the next week. Hope you enjoy!

-don't touch my pocket protector

[ZHX]

...

Excuse me for a second as I compose myself.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Thank you Toa of Nerds, for returning to this comedy. I gladly await the new plot twists.

[rahkshi guurahk]

Those red eyes look ominous.

[CHTrilogy]

Smashing! This one hasn't lost its charm!

[/Got_Your_6/]

Been reading this and so far, my favorite product is #19, due to not recognizing any of the songs mentioned (I'm listening to Hades by Kalmah right now, by the way, look it up if you dare). This is really original, and I look forward to this 'plot' you seem to be concocting (heh, maybe that should be a product).
Anyway, keep this going, your work is excellent.

Edited by /Got_Your_6/, Aug 09 2012 - 07:35 PM.

[Toa of Nerds]

Sorry for this one getting delayed by a day, but unfortunately there are two kinds of things I have to do every week. One is write this comedy, and two is everything else. This week, the latter got more time than the former

Episode One

In a thoroughly creepy, inhospitable hall in what appears to be a secret evil lair…

Announcer: So what’s this place?

Shadowy Figure: That’s the welcome hall.

Announcer: Ah.

Shadowy Figure: So, have you considered my offer?

Announcer: Yes! I’ve had my lawyer look over it.

Well-Dressed Lawyer: (cough) The following parties have heretofore adopted the proposal to transfer full control of the assets of Useless BZPower Junk that you Must Ha—

Shadowy Figure: I’m familiar with what I wrote you moron! So are you willing to make commercials for me to my cliental?

Announcer: Well, I’m not sure if I can agree to the whole “sell your soul and pledge eternal featly to the title-holder” part of the contract.

Shadowy Figure: Um…

Announcer: Gotcha! I’m totally in!

Shadowy Figure: Why, you gave me a start there. As you know, I don’t conduct business with anybody whose soul I don’t possess. Anyway, that is most agreeable.

Announcer: Awesome! When can I start shouting at a camera?

Shadowy Figure: Uh, whenever you feel like it…

Camera changes to close-up of Announcer’s face

Announcer: Are you tired of ordinary vacations?

Shadowy Figure: Um…

Announcer: Come on man! Give me some audience participation here!

Shadowy Figure: Okay…minions.

Evil Minions: Yeah!

Announcer: Is relaxing on a sunny beach boring you?

Evil Minions: Yeah!

Announcer: Are you dying to spend your summers somewhere more exciting!

Evil Minions: Yeah!

Announcer: Then you might just die when you visit the Super Evil Lair Resort & Spa!

Shadowy Figure: Wait, are you turning my evil lair into a motel?

Evil Minions: Yeah!

Shadowy Figure: Shut up!

Announcer: Two things. One, it’s not a motel, it’s a Resort & Spa. Motels don’t have hot tubs.

Two. I’M A FRIGGIN GENIUS AT MARKETING, SO SHUT UP!!!

Shadowy Figure: Yeah, your last marketing venture worked out great…

Announcer: Hey, I’m a professional at this!

Shadowy Figure: Fine, at least this is…amusing. And if it doesn’t work out I’ve always got my pit monsters to send on him.

Pit Monsters: Growl!

Announcer: Anyway, as I was saying…darn, you made me lose my train of thought!

Shadowy Figure: I thought you were a professional.

Announcer: Fine, let’s take it from the top.

Camera changes to close up of Announcer’s face…

Announcer: Are you tired of ordinary vacations?

Shadowy Figure: Um…

Announcer: Come on man! Give me some audience participation here!

Shadowy Figure: Okay…minions.

Evil Minions: Yeah!

Announcer: Is relaxing on a sunny beach boring you?

Evil Minions: Yeah!

Announcer: Are you dying to spend your summers somewhere more exciting!

Evil Minions: Yeah!

Announcer: Then you might just die when you visit the Super Evil Lair Resort & Spa!

Evil Minions: Yay!

Announcer: at the Super Evil Lair Resort & Spa you’ll be treated like an evil overlord!

Evil Minions: Amazing!

Announcer: You’ll walk through our dank, cobwebbed welcome hall, dine with zombies in the living room, and observe medieval torture instruments in action in our fun room!

Evil Minions: Wow!

Announcer: After a good night’s sleep to the soothing sound of our resident ghoul screaming in the attic, you can enjoy all the luxurious of the Evil Lair Resort & Spa!

Evil Minions: Like what?

Announcer: Mount an undead horse



and play polo in our graveyard. Or take him out for a relaxing ride through the jungle, meeting wraiths, golems, and wolves all along your way!

Evil Minions: Nice!

Announcers: Not an animal person? Well, you can still relax in our blood tub! Filled with real blood from previous customers!*

*talk to your doctor before bathing in another person’s blood.

**blood is Bionicle canon, right?

Evil Minions: Awesome!

Announcers: But that’s not all! You can visit our Ghost Hall where you can chat with ghosts of famous dead people! Check it out in action:

Ghost of Sidorak: Believe it or not kids, I was actually kind of a big deal back in 2005, hur hur hur! People say I died because I was naïve, but I like to think it was because Lego wasn’t crazy about my whole marriage thing with Roodaka.

Ghost of Makuta Teridax: I GOT KILLED BY A ROCK?!?!?!

Matoro: Seriously, I save the entire universe and then I’m dumped here for all eternity!

Announcer: So how much does such a luxury vacation cost? Well, right now, you and your family can enjoy all that the Super Evil Lair Resort & Spa has to offer for only $499 per night!

Evil Minions: Wow!

Announcer: So you call 1-800-EVIL-SPA right now!

Evil Minions: Yeah!

[…]

Announcer: So, what did you think?

Shadowy Figure: Pit Monsters!

Pit Monsters: Growl!

Announcer: NO! Just please give me one last ch—

Door Bell: DING!

Voice: Hey, is this the Super Evil Lair Resort & Spa?

Announcer: See, I am a genius!

Shadowy Figure:

[fishers64]

Plot twist is amazing.

**blood is Bionicle canon, right?

No, it most certainly is not.

Voice: Hey, is this the Super Evil Lair Resort & Spa?

Announcer: See, I am a genius!

Shadowy Figure:

The voice is a building inspector...right?

[Toa of Nerds]

Sorry I wasn't able to post a chapter yesterday when I should, but life has kicked into high gear for me and I don't think I can sustain a weekly release schedule. From now on I'm going to release a new chapter every other Saturday, starting next Saturday.

-don't touch my pocket protector

[Toa of Nerds]

Episode Two

Voice behind door: Can we come in?

Shadowy Figure: Sure, let me get the door.

The Shadowy Figure opens the door

Shadowy Figure: Welcome to the Super Evil Lair Resort & Spa!

Female voice: Thank you!

A family of four walk in, all of them wearing flip flops, tacky shirts, and displaying the approximate physique of manatees. Two rotund boys of six and eight are slurping on popsicles.

Older Manatee-Sized Boy: Stop!

Younger Manatee-Sized Boy: No, you stop!

Manatee-Sized Woman: Boys!

Announcer (sliding in sleazily): Hey, you look like you could use Dungeon-Loss

Manatee-Sized Man: What?

Announcer: Have you tried weight-loss programs in the past that never seem to work?

Manatee-Sized Man: Well, yeah…what made you think that!

Shadowy Figure: You carried yourself with a certain…disposition that suggested that you—

Announcer (butting in): Are you tired of being fat?

Manatee-Sized Man: Hey! That’s offensive!

Shadowy Figure (whispering): What are you doing?

Announcer (whispering): Let me handle this; I’m a professional. (shouting in normal voice) Well, you are tired of being fat, right?

Manatee-Sized Man: I’LL BEAT YOU UP YOU PUNK!!!

Manatee-Sized Man: Honey, I think you should calm down and listen to the man. He seems honest.

Announcer: Oh yes ma’am, I do have a certain reputation for integrity.

Shadowy Figure:

Announcer: Regardless, I know the perfect program for you!

Manatee-Sized Man: What?

Announcer: Dungeon-Loss is a brand-new program guaranteed to get you into your skinny jeans!

Manatee-Sized Woman: Really?

Announcer: That’s right! With Dungeon-Loss our very own Dungeon Master…say high Dungeon Master!

Shadowy Figure: It’s hi, not high. You know that I’m against recreational drugs.

Announcer: That’s right! Did I mention that this whole process is completely drug-free?

Shadowy Figure: You didn’t complete your thought. That leaves your previous line as a sentence fragment. Spelling and grammar errors? What is this coming to?

Announcer: Did I mention that our Dungeon Master is also a grammar nazi?

Shadowy Figure:

Announcer: Anyway, with Dungeon-Loss, our very own Dungeon Master will throw you into a Dungeon where you will be fed half a loaf of stale bread and a cup of water every day!

Manatee-Sized Woman: That sounds scary.

Announcer: Oh don’t worry! You’ll have all the comforts of home such as a floor, roof, and door with a lock!

Manatee-Sized Man: Wait, if this is a weight loss program then won’t we have to eat fruits and veggies?

Manatee-Sized Family: [shudder]

Announcer: Dungeon-Loss is completely different! With this program you won’t be starving yourself to get skinny. Instead you’ll be starving yourself in style! And we all know that’s it’s the style that counts!

Manatee-Sized Woman: That is a good point!

Announcer: Of course it’s a good point; I thought of it! With our comprehensive approach you are guaranteed to get to a healthy weight or lower in only four weeks!

Manatee-Sized Man: No way!

Announcers: Yes way! Still don’t believe me? Take a look at the photographic evidence! In only four weeks this fat, ugly person:



Changed to this:



Announcer: But that’s not all! You’ll also get exercise once per day by running on our track!

Manatee-Sized Man: We have to run every day?

Announcer: Don’t worry about that! It’ll be fun! Our patented weight-lost beast will chase you all the way around to make sure you get your workout in!

Pit-Monster: Snarl!

Manatee-Sized Woman: That sounds kind of dangerous.

Announcer: I assure you, the entire program has passed all safety regulation as entirely legal.

Well-Dressed Lawyer:

Announcer: It’s designed for people who will only exercise if they’re afraid of being eaten!

Manatee-Sized Woman: Ah, now I see!

Announcer: And right now you can get the best deal ever on Dungeon-Loss!

Manatee-Sized Woman: Really?

Announcer: Yes! If you sign up right now you can get all of this for only $49.95 a week!

Manatee-Sized Man: Wow! That sounds like a good deal!

Announcer: But that isn’t all! If you stay at the Super Evil Lair Resort & Spa then you get a 20% discount!

Manatee-Sized Man: Count me in!

Announcer: Can we sign you up?

Manatee-Sized Man: Yes!

Manatee-Sized Woman: Me too!

Both Manatee-Sized Boys: ME ME ME ME!

Announcer: Excellent!

Edited by Toa of Nerds, Sep 07 2012 - 07:08 PM.

[rahkshi guurahk]

I like the description of tahu nuva.

[fishers64]

Actually, it probably won't work, because after their four-week torture session, they will go home, greatful to be alive (if they are alive) and pig out.

Anyways, not sure if recent chapters are really related to the topic title, as has nothing to do with BZP...

And are there two "Announcers" at the end?

Edited by fishers64, Aug 25 2012 - 11:20 PM.

[ZHX]

Tahu Nuva is fat?

Hmmm ....

Yeah, looks like it.

[Toa of Gallifrey]

Sorry for being late, had been away. I like the turn its taken with these few chapters while still retaining the peddling of undesirable products. I loved the ghosts of the dead characters and their comments. XD

[Toa of Nerds]

Episode Three

Announcer: hmmmmm, I wonder what we can sell this time?

Shadowy Figure: Well, there really isn’t much that we can sell right now, but maybe we could….

Announcer: Hey! What’s that?

Announcer points towards a puddle of mysterious green slime

Shadowy Figure: Oh, that pools out from the floor all the time. This Super Evil Lair was built on an old nuclear plant and some of the radioactive wastes leaks sometimes.

Announcer: What happens if you drink it?

Shadowy Figure: Why would you want to drink it?

Announcer: I dunno, why would you want to drink Mountain Dew?

Shadowy Figure: Good point.

Announcer: Has anybody ever drank it before?

Shadowy Figure: Well, a couple of minions did, and they were jumping off the walls for weeks. They never slept at all.

Announcer:

Shadowy Figure: What?

Camera Cuts to Announcer’s face

Announcer: Do you want to get your post count up on BZPower?

Evil Minions: Yes!

Announcer: Is there not enough time in the day for you to post?

Evil Minions: Yes!

Announcer: Then you need Post-Power 3000!

Evil Minions: What?

Announcer: Post-Power 3000 is an amazing beverage that gives YOU energy to post 24 hours a day!

Evil Minions: Wow!

Announcer: Did you know that on average you spend 8 hours a day sleeping?

Evil Minions: No way!

Announcer: Yes way! And that’s time that you could be spending inflating your post count on BZPower!

Evil Minions: Yeah!

Announcer: But with Post-Power 3000, you won’t have to sleep at all, and can spend all your time productively, by posting on BZPower!

Evil Minions: All right!

Announcer: Post-Power 3000 is specially brewed in state-of-the-art facilities featuring cutting edge technology!

Evil Minions: OOOOOOH!

Announcer: And each batch is personally tested by one of our beverage connoisseurs to ensure optimal energy content! Oh look, there are some testers right now!



Announcer: Not only that, but Post-Power 3000 is all-natural, and contains essential vitamins and minerals that can help cure cancer!

[these statements have not been approve by the FDA]

Evil Minions: Oooooh!

Announcer: With Post-Power 3000, you can waste 50% more of your time on BZPower than ever before!

Evil Minions: Wow!

Announcer: Just listen to some of our satisfied customers!

Satisfied Customer One: Post-Power 3000 is amazing! I boosted my post count from 1,300 to 5,000 in only a week!

Satisfied Customer Two: I couldn’t post enough on BZPower before Post-Power 3000 came around, now I can post 24/7!

Satisfied Customer Three: Before my real life kept on encroaching my BZPower life! Now I just drink Post-Power 3000 and post all day long! After all, who needs a life when you can have BZPower!


Shadowy Figure: Wait, how could you find positive customer testimonials so quickly?

Announcer: Ah! A magician never reveals his tricks!

Evil Minions: Ahhhh!

Announcer: But a top-tier BZPower poster does, and it’s Post-Power 3000

Secret BZPower Poster: I’ve got over 15,000 posts on BZPower, and I owe it all to Post-Power 3000.

Announcer: Do you want Post-Power 3000?

Evil Minions: Yes!

Announcer: Then you need to call 1-800-POST-NOW right now!

Evil Minions: Yes!

Announcer: If you call right now then you’ll get a full six-pack of Post-Power 3000 for only four EASY payments of $19.95!

Evil Minions: What a deal!

Announcer: Oh really? Because you’re also going to get this special limited edition foam cup holder!

Evil Minions: Wow!

Announcer: This exquisite cup holder is carefully made by skilled craftsmen and is emblazoned with a super special design!

Shadowy Figure (whispering): Why didn’t you reveal the design?

Announcer (whispering): Because we haven’t made it yet.

Shadowy Figure (still whispering): Oh.

Announcer: But that’s not all!

Evil Minions: It isn’t

Announcer: No it isn’t! Because if you use your credit card when you order, then we’ll drop a full payment!

Evil Minions: Unbelievable!

Announcer: That means you get a full six-pack of Post-Power 3000 and the limited edition foam cup holder for only THREE easy payments of $19.95!

Evil Minions: Call now!

[…]

Announcer: So, what do you think?

Shadowy Figure: Well, if you can sell radioactive sludge, then you can sell anything.

Announcer: You bet!

[ZHX]

Hmm, I should buy Post-Power 3000. I really need more posts. 11,100 is not enough!

[Toa of Gallifrey]

What's the quickest way I can transfer all my assets into the Announcer's name?

[ZHX]

I believe we can do so via PayPal.

[fishers64]

It only costs 29.95, taxes and fees extra.

[Norik The Blood Elf]

Post-Power!!! *Splurges Life Savings*
BTW, ho is it radioactive sludge can boost one's metabolism rate? Oh, well, who cares?

Edited by Norik Ta Hagah, Sep 21 2012 - 09:09 PM.

[Toa of Nerds]

Sorry I didn't post a chapter yesterday, but unfortunately my computer got infected with a virus. I'll try to post a new chapter ASAP.

-don't touch my pocket protector

[Phovos the Raptor]

I'm glad to see that this is both still going and still funny!

Also, very nice joke there with the Mountain Dew.

Keep it up!

[Toa of Nerds]

Episode Four

Announcer: Has this ever happened to you?

Author: I promised to write an episode for my BZPower story this week, but I’m too lazy to do it.

Evil Minions: Yes!

Announcer: Well then you need Excuse-Generator 5000!

Evil Minions: Wow!

Announcer: This amazing new product is super easy to use and get your super-pesky fans off your back!

Evil Minions: Amazing!

Announcer: Here’s how it works: simply input what you forgot to post, click the GENERATE button, and presto! There’s your excuse!

Evil Minions: Unbelievable

Announcer: Yes! There are thousands of excuses available such as:


“I’ve been really busy.”

“The dog ate my draft”

And the exceptionally rich:

“My computer got a virus.”

Author: Wow! That’s just what I need!

Announcer: Of course you do! If that was all, then you would have one amazing product, right?

Evil Minions: Right!

Announcer: But is it all?

Evil Minions: No!

Announcer: Of course not, because Excuse Generator 5000 will even make the post for you!

Evil Minions: No way!

Announcer: Yes way! Just check out what those those posts look like:

“Man I’m so sorry but I can’t post my new chapter because my dog ate the draft.”

“Unfortunately I’m sick and won’t be able to put up a new chapter.”

And my personal favorite:

“Sorry I didn't post a chapter yesterday, but unfortunately my computer got infected with a virus. I'll try to post a new chapter ASAP.”

Evil Minions: Wow!

Announcer: How does it accomplish this? Well, it accesses your account to automatically post your excuse! You don’t have to do anything so you can go back to procrastinating on writing your chapter!

Evil Minions: Nice!

Announcer: But Excuse Generator 5000 will do MORE than that!

Evil Minions: More?

Announcer: You bet! Because Excuse Generator 5000 will also create several fake accounts to back you up!

Evil Minions: What?

Announcer: Want to get those annoying fans off your case?

Author: Oooooooh yeah.

Announcer: Well these fake accounts will give you support and flame disgruntled fans into submission!

Evil Minions: Awesome!

Announcer: Check out what I mean:

Sorry, I’ve been really busy this week and couldn’t write the chapter, sorry.

Dude, this is the third week in a row.

Hey man, appreciate the author’s work!

Yeah, ExcuseDefenseBot0001 is totally right! You should respect the author!

ExcuseDefenseBot0002 hit the nail on the head! Do you realize how hard the author works on this?

ExcuseDefenseBot0002 hit the nail on the head! Do you realize how hard the author works on this?

DITTO!

Evil Minions: Wow!

Shadowy Figure: Hey, is that the infamous DITTO! Virus again?

Announcer: Nah, we’ve totally taken care of that, right Gary?

Gary:

Announcer: See? Totally safe!

Evil Minions: Yeah!

Author: Dude, that’s totally what I need! I’m buying now! How much is it, what should I call?

Announcer: I was just about to get to that! Just call 1-800-EXCUSES to order the Excuse-Generator 5000! And right now you can get the Excuse-Generator 5000 cheaper than ever!

Evil Minions: No way!

Announcer: Yes, if you call right now then you’ll get this amazing product for ONLY four easy payments of $49.95!

Author: ONLY four easy payments $49.95 to convince all my fans that I’m not a complete lazy bum? Count me in!

Announcer: Consider yourself counted in! Now do YOU want to be counted in, too?

Evil Minions: YEAH!

Announcer: Then order right now!




Sorry about the delay on this chapter. Unfortunately my computer actually did get a virus (or did it ? ) and the twin evils of a busy schedule and flat out procrastination conspired to prevent me from getting this chapter out on time. I'll post the next chapter in two weeks (hopefully).

Edited by Toa of Nerds, Oct 13 2012 - 09:54 AM.

[ZHX]

I see lots of random things in the text. Could it be that the Excuse Generator is malfunctioning?

Anyway, pretty good chapter. I'll forgive you for your lack of chapters recently. Busy schedules are understandable. DITTO! seems to have returned.

We're going to die.

[Bulik]

Hey man, appreciate The Author's work!

Now I just need for someone to do the next quote

[fishers64]

Have to admire your inventiveness here, turning laziness into an inspiration for a chapter.

And yes, you might wish to edit to remove the "’" and whatnot. For some reason your chapter was converted into an XML document; no idea why.

[Phovos the Raptor]

That was fun! I think I need to buy me one of those.

[Toa of Nerds]

Episode Five

Shadowy Figure: Hey, what’s that smell coming out of the dungeons? Go and check that out!

Evil Minions: Yes, master.

[…]

Shadowy Figure: Oh #####, I forgot about those manatee people we left in the dungeons! That was weeks ago!

Announcer: Well, at least, they lost weight!

Shadowy Figure:

Announcer; But I think I’ve got the perfect thing for you!

Shadowy Figure: What?

Announcer: Forget-Me 360!

Shadowy Figure: What?

Announcer: Have you ever done something wrong and want to forget what happened?

Shadowy Figure: Well, I’ve done some bad things that I wished more people remembered…

Announcer: Doesn’t matter, because I’m sure there are some BZPower users out there who have!

Evil Minions: You bet!

Announcer: Ever linked to an image you wished you hadn’t? Said something to a moderator that seemed like a good idea at the time?

Evil Minions: Yeah!

Announcer: Then Forget-Me 360 is just the right thing for you!

Evil Minions: Wow!

Announcer: When you activate Forget-Me 360, you’ll completely forget what you did, thus giving you plausible deniability in your discussion with staff!

Evil Minions: Amazing!

Announcer: With this amazing product, you can honestly say “I don’t recall” to every question asked of you! When you use it, it looks something like this:



Evil Minions: Oooooh! Snazzy!

Announcer: You won’t know a thing happened! Here’s an example of Forget-Me 360 in action:

[moderator] is just a complete ##### who is so ##### ##### that he can’t #####

Hey! What did you say?

I don’t recall

Evil Minions: Amazing!

Shadowy Figure: Yes, but what if I want to publicize killing those Manatee People so people remember how super evil I am?

Announcer: Don’t worry, just use Forget-Me 360 in reverse!

Shadowy Figure: How?

Announcer: It’s easy!



Announcer: And now you’ll constantly be putting this in every post you make to make sure that everybody on BZPower will remember it!

Evil Minions: Wow!

Announcer: Just check it out:

Nice MOC! I really liked your use of colors. By the way, I told a moderator that he was #####

Evil Minions: Amazing!

Shadowy Figure: That’s just what I need!

Announcer: You bet! Now everybody will know how you killed those manatee people!

Shadowy Figure: Sweet!

Announcer: Yes, this product is super sweet, so you need to call now!

Evil Minions: Call now!