169 replies to this topic

[Toa of Nerds]

The season finale for UBZPJTYMH! is on May 26, after which new products will return on July 28. You may still PM me product suggestions, but they will not appear until next season.

Note: Right now I am accepting suggestions for new products. If you have a suggestion, PM me and I may use. Do not post it in thread as that would ruin the surprise for everybody else. If I do use your suggestion then you will be credited.

Thanks to Hubert for putting together this awesome index of chapters:

Main Products:

• Product 2
• Product 3
• Product 4
• Product 5
• Product 6
• Product 7
• Product 8
• Product 9
• Product 10
• Product 11
• Product 12
• Product 13
• Product 14
• Product 15
• Product 16
• Product 17
• Product 18
• Product 19
• Product 20
• Product 21
• Product 22
• Product 23

Specials:

• Thanksgiving 2011
• Black Friday 2011
• Christmas 2011
• New Year's Day 2012
• Valentine's Day 2012
• Easter Special

Disclaimer: the products presented is this comedy are neither real nor available for purchase;
any resemblence to a real product is probably intentional.

Toa of Nerds proudly presents:





This comedy attempts to inform of you of brand new developments in the BZPower novelty products industry, helping you to make purchasing decisions and SAVE MONEY. So what are you waiting for? Pick up your phone, keep your credit card handy, and be prepared to buy some useless junk that you MUST HAVE!!!


This comedy is dedicated to Billy Mays. May he rest in peace along with all the useless junk he tried to peddle off to us.


Product One


Announcer: When BZPower was down, were you bored?

Audience: Yes!

Announcer: Did you suffer from clinical depression?

Audience: Yes!

Announcer: Were you scared at the prospect of actually having to interact with society?

Audience: Yes!

Announcer: Well, then you need Fax-O-Power! Whenever the next massive down-time occurs (scheduled for next thursday) then you can keep in contact with your BZP friends and get that BZPower fix that you always crave!

Audience: Yay!
Announcer: Here’s how it works. We supply you with sheets that look exactly like BZPower, except they’re in real life!

Audience: Wow! There’s a world outside of BZPower?

Announcer: Yes there is folks, and Fax-O-Power is in it!

Audience: Woopee!

Announcer: Now, you simply obtain all your friends personal information such as mailing address, birthday, social security number, and name of favorite kitten by stalking them all over the internet (the makers of Fax-O-Power do not condone illegal activity).

Audience: Cool!

Announcer: Once you have your friends’ fax numbers, just fill out the Fax-O-Power form as shown, and fax it to all of them for a response to your topic! It’s just like real BZPower, except it isn’t!



Audience: Sweet!

Announcer: Don’t have a fax machine? Don’t worry! Your workplace probably does, and that’s where you do most of your BZPing in anyway: at work!

Audience: You bet!

Announcer: Work at some lame joint where the only machine they have is a cash register? Don’t worry! We’ll help you with our patented Cash-O-Fax absolutely free of charge! This breakthrough product can transform any normal cash register with internet access into a fully operating fax-machine so that you can Fax-O-Power even at that cruddy fast food restaurant you work in! That’s a 50 widget value, yours absolutely free!

Audience: No way!

Announcer: With over 5 million units of Fax-O-Power sold, you don’t want to be left out when BZPower’s next downtime comes around! This product will change your life, but don’t take our word for it! Listen to this testimonial from one of our many satisfied customers, TahuDude8732047910! (actor portrayal)

TahuDude8732047910: During the downtime before last, I decided that I could never go through BZPower withdrawal ever again, so I bought Fax-O-Power. It was the best purchase I’ve ever made, and it saved my life during the last downtime. Check out what I did:



Announcer: That’s right! This product will change your life forever! It has all the features of regular BZPower including PM, Avatar, profile fields, and even the quote feature.



Announcer: So how much does such an amazing product cost?

Audience: 2,000 widgets?

Announcer: NO!

Audience: 1,000 widgets?

Announcer: NO!

Audience: 500 widgets?

Announcer: NO! 5,000 sheets of this incredible, life-saving invention will only cost you ten easy payments of 49.95! That’s right, only ten easy payments of 49.95! But if you use your credit card, then we’ll deduct one full payment! That’s right, you get 5,000 sheets of Fax-O-Power, plus the Cash-O-Power cash register addition for only NINE easy payments of 49.95!

Audience: WOW! Is that all?

Announcer: Did I say that was? NO! Because if you call within the next 15 minutes, we’ll also add in 5,000 sheets of our retro package! Think the new BZPower skin looks like some cheesy half-baked fashion blog? Well, with the retro package you can BZP like in the old days!



We’re giving you this absolutely free of charge partly because you want you to buy Fax-O-Power, but mostly because we ordered 5,000,000 sheets of this outdated junk and have no idea how to get rid of it! That’s a 499.50 widget value, yours totally free!
Audience: Amazing!

Announcer: That’s right! You get Cash-O-Power, 5,000 sheets of Fax-O-Power, 5,000 sheet of the retro package, and now a full set of actual bed sheets!

Audience: NO WAY!

Announcer: Can’t stay up late with BZPower? Then do the next best thing and fall asleep with BZPower with these top-quality bed sheets emblazoned with Hapori Tohu, just like the new skin isn’t! Each bed sheet is manufactured by 500 skilled Chinese laborers and made of 100% natural Egyptian Polyester! You will not find a better deal anywhere else!

Audience: Unbelievable!

Announcer: You get it all! 5,000 sheets of Fax-O-Power, 5,000 sheets of the retro package, the Cash-O-Power add-on, and a prime set of Chinese-made polyester bed sheets all for only NINE easy payments of 49.95! But if you are one of the first 500 callers, then we’ll double your offer! That’s right, you’ll get 10,000 sheets of Fax-O-Power, 10,000 sheets of the retro package, TWO Cash-O-Power add-ons, and TWO sets of prime Chinese-made polyester bed sheets! So what are you waiting for? This deal is totally insane and is not available in stores! Pick up the phone and-

Audience: CALL NOW!!!

Edited by Toa of Nerds, May 12 2012 - 09:54 AM.

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

This is brilliant, ToN! I honestly laughed out loud when I read this, and the images are a nice touch. (Loved the photoshopped Hapori Billy picture ) And I was able to easily picture this whole thing being read out loud in Billy Mays' voice. Interesting idea and very creative! I look forward to the next one!

Lewa0111 Nuva

[CHTrilogy]

Fax-O-Power! Brilliant! I'd buy it!

[TheSkeletonMan939]

You would make a great advertiser.

[Toa of Nerds]

Product Two

Announcer: Are you tired of boring old spam?

Noob: LOlzzzz

Announcer: But do you still crave that classic Oscar Mayer taste?

Noob: Yum

Announcer: Then you need Oscar Mayer’s Spam Encrusted Messages!

Chorus: Ta DAAAAA!!!

Announcer: Encrusted between six layers of delicious spam is a sentence or prize.

Chorus (singing and dancing): There’s a surprise in every can,

With Oscar Mayer’s encrusted spam!

Announcer: Here are actual examples of prizes:

SPAMSPAMSPAMdiamondSPAMSPAMSPAM

SPAMSPAMSPAMgoldnuggetSPAMSPAMSPAM

SPAMSPAMSPAMkeystoferrariSPAMSPAMSPAM

(results not typical)

Announcer: Sometimes you even get coherent sentences!

SPAMSPAMSPAM “I didn’t know that Tahu could dance!” SPAMSPAMSPAM

Announcer: Or Bionicle Kanohi Masks!
SPAMSPAMSPAM SPAMSPAMSPAM
Chorus (singing and dancing): There’s a surprise in every can,

With Oscar Mayer encrusted spam!

Announcer: Sometimes you even get little people in there!

SPAMSPAMSPAM SPAMSPAMSPAM

Announcer: You go you little midgets!

Chorus (singing and dancing): There’s a surprise in every can,
With Oscar Mayer encrusted spam!

Announcer: You can even get strange, code-like messages
!
SPAMSPAMSPAMahroighalksfhalgihoi;!!!SPAMSPAMSPAM

Announcer: Or a genuine Oscar Mayer decoder ring!

SPAMSPAMSPAMuselesspieceofplasticSPAMSPAMSPAM

Chorus (singing and dancing): There’s a surprise in every can,
With Oscar Mayer encrusted spam!

Announcer: Instead of wasting precious seconds responding to someone’s artwork, let Oscar Mayer do the cooking for you.

SPAMSPAMSPAM “LOLzzzzz” SPAMSPAMSPAM

Announcer: Now you can lose proto while enjoying a delicious and nutritious breakfast/lunch/dinner/afternoon snack/midnight snack. Heck, Oscar Mayer spam is good any time of day. Even on weekends. Even cold. Even when you stick it in the toaster or fridge. And it’s made even more delicious by the prospect of a real gold nugget in there.

(results not typical)

Chorus (singing and dancing): There’s a surprise in every can,
With Oscar Mayer encrusted spam!

Announcer: Oscar Mayer spam is great, but don’t take our word for it; listen to what actual customers have to say!
(customers compensated for appearance)

Customer One: My life was made so much easier by that Ferrari I found in my Oscar Mayer spam, and the spam tasted good, too.

Customer Two: Every time I buy Oscar Mayer spam, I’m always anxious to see what’s in that can. I’ve even found a couple of real sentences.

Announcer: We cannot show the third customer’s face, due to him being banned from BZPower.

Customer Three: Before, I actually had to think before I commented on someone’s MOC. Now, all I have to do is plug in some spam and I walk away guilt free!

Chorus (singing and dancing): There’s a surprise in every can,
With Oscar Mayer encrusted spam!

Announcer: Order your Oscar Mayer Spam Encrusted Messages today! For only three easy payments of 84 widgets (plus shipping and handling) you get a six-pack of delicious Encrusted Spam! Just call 1-800-SPAMMER, that’s 1-800-7726-637. 1-800-7726-637. But wait, there’s more! If you call in the next 15 minutes, we’ll take off one whole payment. That’s right! You get a six-pack of this amazing substance for only TWO easy payments of 84 widgets.
Chorus (singing and dancing): There’s a surprise in every can,
With Oscar Mayer encrusted spam!

Announcer: What can more amazing than that! Only an amazing free gift. That’s right! If you use your credit card when you order you get Oscar Mayer’s exclusive emoticon package! Including the *Banned by BZPower* and the *Banned by BZPower* and the ever popular *Banned by BZPower*

That’s right, you get it all! For only TWO easy payments of 84 widgets you get a six-pack of Oscar Mayer’s delicious Spam Encrusted Messages, along with the emoticon package. And if you are one of the first 500 callers, then you automatically get upgraded to super-saver shipping with no extra charge to you. That means you only have to wait 4-6 business weeks to spam all day long, and your spam will be given time to mature while it’s sitting in the Post Office’s sorting room for 24 days!

Chorus(singing and dancing): There’s a surprise in every can, With Oscar Mayer encrusted spam.

Announcer: What are you waiting for, call now!

(Oscar Mayer is in no way responsible for any administrative action taken by the staff of BZPower relating to the use of this product including (but not limited to): proto-loss, post count reduction, deleted posts, edited posts, suspension, and banning. As a matter of fact, Oscar Mayer isn’t even responsible for this commercial—I am.)

Edited by Toa of Nerds, Oct 29 2011 - 03:59 PM.

[Applejack]

Brilliant! This comedy is definitely, one of the best, on BZP.
Also, I'll take four crates of Oscar Mayer Spam in a Can.

[Phovos the Raptor]

This was really, really good. This now goes on my List Of Official Really Really Amusing BZP Comedies. I love the fact that this is actually pretty close to reality.

Please, keep it up. I'd hate for a comedy like this to end.

[CHTrilogy]

The Fax-O-Power reminds me of Dungeons & Dragons for some reason.

[Toa of Nerds]

Thanks for all the positive feedback everybody. I'll try to post a new chapter every saturday afternoon, so check back in a couple of days for a brand new product just waiting for unsuspecting buyers.

-don't touch my pocket protector

[Toa of Nerds]

Product Three

Announcer: Did somebody on BZPower say something about your artwork that you can’t stand?

Studio Audience: Yes!

Announcer: Do you want somebody to put them in their place?

Studio Audience: Yes!

Announcer: Well then you need Flame-Bot 3000!

Studio Audience: Oooh!

Announcer: This revolutionary new product will let you flame at your heart’s content with absolutely no repercussions from BZPower administrators! (not guaranteed)

Studio Audience: Woop!

Announcer: Here’s how it works. When somebody makes a less-than-positive remark on something you did, just activate Flame-Bot 3000, kick back, and watch the sparks fly! Unlike some other flaming software, Flame-Bot 3000 doesn’t take over your account. Instead, it creates a multitude of other accounts to do the dirty work for you, leaving you completely free of any consequences! (we hope)

Studio Audience: Wow!

Announcer: Here’s an example! (used for illustrative purposes only)

Hey, check out my cool MOC!

: Neat! I think you should add some extra leg amour though. It looks kinda empty.

You totally uninformed person! You have no idea of what good things look like!

I totally agree with FlameBot0001. You should really go out and find some intelligence you ill-informed faux-critic.

You should totally listen to FlameBot0001 and FlameBot0002. They are so smart. You’re less intelligent than an automated posting computer program!

You should totally listen to FlameBot0001 and FlameBot0002. They are so smart. You’re less intelligent than an automated posting computer program!

DITTO!

Studio Audience: Amazing!

Announcer: However, if you’ve tried the competition’s flaming software, then you know how frustrating it can be. Take a look:

Your story is great, but I think it could do with some more action in later chapters. But otherwise, great job .

You ##### ##### of ##### with no ###### ##### how ##### ###### works you ##### ##### awesome person

Announcer: See, nobody can understand that. However, Flame-Bot 3000 has the built-in capacity to circumnavigate the BZPower censor so that you let that person know exactly what you think!

Your comic is hilarious, however, some of the colors on the panels are a little…off. Maybe it’s just my moniter. Anyway, great job!

Your IQ is lower than that of a piece of celery!

Flamebot0005 is so right. You need to be put in jail for a criminal lack of intelligence!

I totally agree with Flamebot0004 and Flamebot0005. Your brain is smaller than a grape seed!

I totally agree with Flamebot0004 and Flamebot0005. Your brain is smaller than a grape seed!

DITTO!

Studio Audience: No Way!

Announcer: It’s this breakthrough technology (patent pending) that has made Flame-Bot 3000 the #1 selling automatic flaming software there is!

This UNBELIEVEALBE service is available for only 99.95. That’s right, only 99.95. Just call 1-800-FLAME-4-U, that’s 1-800-352-6348. 1-800-352-6348. And if you’re not 100% satisfied with Flame-Bot 3000, then just send it back within 30 days for a full refund! (less shipping and handling) But that’s not all!

Studio Audience: It isn’t!?

Announcer: That’s right! If you call right now, then we’ll include Complement-Bot 3000 totally free of charge. That’s a 99.95 value totally free with your order. Are you tired of putting hours of work into a project, and then nobody comments on it? Well, that stops now that you have Complement-Bot 3000! It works exactly the same as Flame-Bot 3000, except in reverse!

Hey, check out my cool artwork!

Wow! That’s amazing!

ComplementBot0001 is totally right, you are the best person in the history of ever.

ComplementBot0001 and ComplementBot0002, hit the nail on the head. I cannot believe how awesome this is.

ComplementBot0001 and ComplementBot0002, hit the nail on the head. I cannot believe how awesome this is.

DITTO!

Studio Audience: So call now!

Announcer: That’s right!

Edited by Toa of Nerds, Nov 01 2011 - 04:40 PM.

[Applejack]

Rofl!!! I kept laughing at the bot who says "DITTO!"
Really funny chapter! Keep it up!

[Neelh]

Rofl!!! I kept laughing at the bot who says "DITTO!"
Really funny chapter! Keep it up!

DITTO!

Seriously, I was laughing during a piece of music that really plays on my emotions and can make me cry.

[Srakii~Pktaaim]

You ##### ##### of ##### with no ###### ##### how ##### ###### works you ##### ##### awesome person

LOL
Very funny. You should take suggestons for future products!

--

[Toa of Nerds]

You ##### ##### of ##### with no ###### ##### how ##### ###### works you ##### ##### awesome person

LOL Very funny. You should take suggestons for future products! --

I was actually about to do that myself. I'll put a notice up in the first post, but if you have a suggestion for a product, PM it to me. Do NOT post it in thread because that would ruin the surprise for everyone else.

-don't touch my pocket protector

[Srakii~Pktaaim]

Can't wait for the new product!
Man, I wish you posted them Saturday mornings, instead of afternoons...
Keep it up!

--

[Toa of Nerds]

Product Four

Announcer: Are you new to BZPower?

Noob Chorus: Yes!1!!1!

Announcer: Are you taken aback by the vast and ridiculously complex Bionicle story-line?

Noob Chorus: Yes1!!11!

Announcer: Do you want to spend days or even weeks reading up on all the back-story of Bionicle?

Noob Chorus: No1!1!!11

Announcer: Then you need Insta-Learn!

Noob Chorus: Yay1!!1!!

Announcer: This ground-breaking product will teach you everything you need to know about Bionicle in one sitting! The results are instant and permanent!

Noob Chorus: Wow!!111!!1

Announcer: It’s simple. All you have to do place the electrodes on your frontal lobe, select the area of Bionicle that you want to learn about, set the power, and press the button. When you wake up from your coma 1-2 hours later, you’ll know everything there is to know about the area of Bionicle you chose.

Noob Chorus: That’s Amazing!1!1!!!

Announcer: Do any of you want to try it?

Noob Chorus: Yes!1!1!!1

Announcer: How about you, in the third row, second from the left.

Noob in the third row, second from the left: Yay!!1!1

Announcer: Come on up here! Now, let’s place the electrodes on your frontal lobe. We’re going to have to bring out a power saw to cut through all that bone in the skull, though.

Power Saw: Buzzzzzzz, chug, clunk, SPLAT!

Announcer: Oh my. Er, are there any other volunteers?

Noob Chorus: Yes1!!1!!!

Announcer: Okay, second row, fifth from the right.

Noob in second row, fifth from the right: Yay!11!1
Announcer: Now, let’s try once more. Power saw please!

Power Saw: Buzzzzzz.

Announcer: Alright! We got it this time.

[Applause]

Announcer: Now, let’s place the electrodes.

Noob who was in second row, fifth from the right, but is now bleeding profusely: Ooh, that tickles!1!!1!1

Announcer: The subject will be, say, famous toa, and let’s set the power at something moderate, say 37 on a scale of 1 to 100. Are you ready?

Noob who was in second row, fifth from the right, but is now very pale: Yes1!!1!1!

Announcer: Okay. Oh, and don’t worry about the severe blood loss. Bionicle survived for ten years without any blood at all.

[ZAP!]

Noob Chorus: Ooooh!!1!11!

Announcer: When he wakes up, he’ll know everything there is to know about famous toa. For instance, he’ll know that Takanuva was the first toa ever, and he freed the slaves in 1492 by dropping the bomb on Nagasaki.

Noob Chorus: Incredible!11!!1

Announcer: But wait, there’s more. I haven’t even told you about Autonomous Post Mode.

Noob Chours: Ooooh!1!1!!

Announcer: That’s right, after placing the electrodes on your frontal lobe, set the device to Autonomous Post Mode, and when you wake up in a dumpster 12 hours later, you’ll learn that you have since made 3,720 posts, including the addition of 57 new chapters to your epic and the creation of your brand new comedy: Ask Tahu’s Evil Nephew!

Noob Chorus: Unbelievable!11!!1

Announcer: Oh yes, and if you order right now, we’ll even throw in BZPower themed num-chucks. That’s right, strangle your friends in style with these snazzy num-chucks, emblazoned with BZPower’s logo so your victim’s relatives will know exactly who to sue! A 40 widget value, yours absolutely free!

Noob Chorus: Wow!!1!111

Announcer: You get everything you could ever want. So why aren’t you on the phone already!?

Noob Chorus: CALL NOW!1!1!!11!!

Edited by Toa of Nerds, Nov 07 2011 - 11:06 AM.

[Srakii~Pktaaim]

Uhh, the chapter repeats four times...
But yeah, good chapter overall. I love the enthusiasm of the noobs.

--

[Phovos the Raptor]

There must have been a posting error or a double-count-merging thingy, but that was still very good. The Flamebot was hilarious.

[Toa of Nerds]

Whoops! For some reason when I pasted multiples came up. I've fixed it now.

-don't touch my pocket protector

[Srakii~Pktaaim]

Great, now it's fixed.
What's the product called, exactly?

--

[Toa of Nerds]

Great, now it's fixed.
What's the product called, exactly?

--

It's called "Insta-learn". I probably should of set it off a little more with a "3000" or repeat it multiple times, but this is a more in-studio kind of infomercial and less of a direct response TV spot.

-don't touch my pocket protector

[ManiacToaLaco]

Toa of Nerds, are you aware that you are amazing?

Of course, adding 57 chapters to an epic in 12 hours would be a blatant bending of the rules. But when you've paid and bought it from an informercial! They've never ocne tricked me!

Anyways, this is an amazing comedy. My favourite though, was the first chapter with Fax-O-Power. I just loved the image in my head of faxing topics from a fast-food joint..


MTL

[Lloyd: the White Wolf]

This is actually rather funny. Not as good as some of the other stuff like 51 Pickup or...oh, I forget the name. It died a while ago, though.

Regardless, this is actually rather funny, mostly because it comes up with new running gags for each episode instead of running forum-wide ones into the ground. I'd love to see the return of "Ditto" a few products down the row, though.

[Applejack]

Short chapter, but managed to pack in a lot of laughs.

[Toa of Nerds]

Product Five

Announcer: Have you or some one you love suffered from proto drain?

Audience: Yes!

Announcer: Have they indulged too much in Oscar-Mayer Encrusted Spam and Flame-Bot 3000?

Audience: You bet!

Announcer: Then you need EZ Proto Booster ™!

Audience: Yay!!!

Announcer: From the makers of Oscar-Mayer Encrusted Spam and Flame-Bot 3000 comes this revolutionary new product guaranteed to boost your proto in only 6 weeks! (restrictions and conditions apply)

Audience: No Way!

Announcer: Here’s how it works! EZ Proto Booster ™ does a google search for “Bionicle News”, and then E-mails the first 50,000 hits to BZPower. This incredible influx of news will compel BZPower staff to give you full proto—instantly!

Audience: Sweet!

Announcer: Are worried that it will steal your personal information when it logs into your E-mail? Don’t. EZ Proto Booster ™ has absolutely no malware whatsoever! (lolololol, just kidding, we really want to steal your soul).

Audience: Whoopie!

Announcer: Now, full proto is priceless, but EZ Proto Booster ™ is priced to fit any budget! You can get EZ Proto Booster ™ today for only five easy payments of 24.95. That’s right, for only five easy payments of 24.95 you can have full proto for the rest of your BZPower career!

Audience: Is that all?

Announcer: You bet it isn’t! If you order within the next 20 minutes, then we’ll send you this amazing carrying case for your program!

Audience: Ooooh!

Announcer: This stylish designer folder is available for PC, macintosh, and Linux operating systems and is designed to hold all of EZ Proto Booster’s ™ guts inside this conveniently marked folder that planted on your computer automatically during the installation. That’s a 20 widget value, yours absolutely free!

Audience: Sweet! We always wanted a folder on our computers!

Announcer: But we’re not done!

Audience: We aren’t? No way!

Announcer: Yes way! If you use your credit card when you order then you will receive EZ Proto Nuker ™ as well, along with a complementary computer folder!

Audience: Wow!

Announcer: Is there somebody on BZPower whom you can’t stand? Well, just install EZ Proto Nuker ™ and take care of that. EZ Proto Nuker ™ will covertly install itself onto a designated user’s account, and then jettison 3,000 cartons of Oscar Mayer Encrusted Spam onto BZPower. Not only will you get your revenge on your arch nemesis, but there’ll also be free spam for everybody to eat and enjoy!

Audience: Yay! More spam!

Announcer: That’s right, you get EZ Proto Booster ™, plus almost 165 widgets worth in free gifts! This offer is not available any where else. You have to call right now!

Audience: Do it!

Disembodied Narrator: To order your copy of EZ Proto Booster ™ plus 165 widgets worth in free gifts just call 1-800-EZ-proto. That’s 1-800-397-7696. You must be 18 or older to call, please allow 2-3 business months for delivery, shipping and handling fees may apply, offer not available in New Hampshire, call now!

[GeluNumber1]

I laughed out loud at this comedy. In other words, it's really funny.

BTW, can the phone number actually be called?

[Srakii~Pktaaim]

And now, a customer review!

EZ Proto Booster was a great deal, and it worked like a charm! However, it appears to be malfunctioning, as I only received one boost as opposed to five! I demand a refund!

But seriously, that's basically the method I use, except I don't send 5,000 emails and I don't necessarily do it for proto, but rather just to see what's going on. Lucky me for stumbling across one little nugget of awesome.
Can't wait for next week's chapter.

--

[Toa of Nerds]

I laughed out loud at this comedy. In other words, it's really funny.

BTW, can the phone number actually be called?

You can call the number, but don't do it. You'd probably just get a lawyer who wants to know if you or a loved one has ever gotten lead poisoning from the paint in your house.

-don't touch my pocket protector

[Indigo Individual]

This is very funny. Although, I didn't laugh out loud out loud, at least not until you mentioned the lawyer and lead poisoning.

Too bad I didn't get here within twenty minutes of the post...

[Phovos the Raptor]

I don't know why, but this still continues to amuse me, enough so to make me come back to it. Well done.

[Toa of Nerds]

Ah, it's Turkey Day, and for Americans that means only one thing: stuffing yourself until you burst open. However, here's something else for you to do on Thanksgiving:

Spoiler

Buy Stuff!!!

And that can mean only one thing: a Thanksgiving special for UBZPJTYMH!! But since Thanksgiving is when Americans get to spend time with their families, then that means that if you're reading this then you either

1) Are not American

or

2) Do not have a family

Either way, sit back, brush the stuffing off your now-fatter belly, and get ready to spend!

Thanksgiving Special!

Credit to Piraka~Mistika for the Fried Tohu, and for sparking the idea to make culinary junk.

Announcer: Was last year’s Thanksgiving dinner a letdown?

Pre-recorded Agreement Track: [yelling in approval] Yes!

Announcer: Well, that’ll be the last Thanksgivastrophe you’ll ever have!

Pre-recorded Agreement Track: [yelling in approval] Yes!

Announcer: Because now, Useless BZPower Junk You Must Have! ™ is offering you the Complete Thanksgiving Package. This package combines every single Thanksgiving related product we’ve ever sold into one package with one low, low price!

Pre-recorded Agreement Track: [yelling in approval] Yes!

Announcer: What’s the first thing you think of Thanksgiving? Why, a turkey of course!

Pre-recorded Agreement Track: [yelling in approval] Yes!

Announcer: That’s why we’re giving you a turkey direct! From Bio-Turkey Engineering inc, this prime, Grade-A biomechanical turkey will make your mouth water just thinking about ripping open its chest with the complementary pliers. Not only has it been fed super growth hormones for the past ten years to fatten it up, but it’s also genetically altered to taste better.

(Turkey is 90% mechanical and 10% organic. 90% of its organic part has been mutated in some way. Do not microwave. Do not put in oven over 300 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not leave unattended. When preparing the turkey, keep a sharp cutting instrument handy to cut away any of the limbs that might try to grab your neck and strangle you. Provides 5 drumsticks, 3 necks, and 4 ½ wings. Must be digested through your hands.)

Pre-recorded Agreement Track: [yelling in approval] Yes!

Announcer: And that massive turkey will need some stuffing! So we’ll send you some freeze-dried stuffing guaranteed to make your biomechanical turkey 50% more edible. From our trusted friends at We Freeze Basically Everything LLC comes this scrumptious almost-homemade stuffing. It’s mailed to you in only 4-6 business months after it’s frozen, so you know it’s fresh!

Pre-recorded Agreement Track: [yelling in approval] Yes!

Announcer: But you’ll need to cook this turkey somehow, right? And baking it in the oven is the lame way to do it. Every real man knows that there’s only one way to cook a turkey: deep-frying it indoors.

Pre-recorded Agreement Track: [yelling in approval] Yes!

Announcer: From Shamelessly Putting Hapori Tohu on Everything inc comes the BZPower Indoor Turkey Deep Fryer! Specially designed for indoor use and emblazoned with Hapori Tohu, this deep fryer uses 6-8 gallons of oil and will cook your turkey the manly way. (smoke alarm and fire extinguisher not included) Heck, it can deep fry anything. Fried pork, fried beef, fried chicken, heck, even Fried Tohu ™.

Pre-recorded Agreement Track: Ooagdhoaishgjlasmmuf!!

Announcer [glancing at stage hand]: Err…

Stage Hand [mouthing the words silently and gesturing furiously]: Go on!

Announcer: Err, we appear to be having some technical difficulties. But these won’t make this deal any less amazing! Because there’s even more to come!

Pre-recorded Agreement Track: [silence]

Announcer: Um, yeah, that’s right! Because you’ll also get this amazing Turkey Prodding Stick! This stick will—

Strange Voice: You’re not poking me with that! Gobble!

Announcer: What?
Pre-recorded Agreement Track [playing in reverse]: !Sey. Hah! At last we shall destroy Thanksgiving once and for all! The pilgrims’ genocidal reign of terror over us will end today! Gobble Gobble Gobble!

Annoucer: Who was that!?

Giant Five-legged, Three-headed, Four-and-a-half-winged Biomechanical Turkey That Just Busted Through the Studio’s Door: It was me!!! The turkey!

Announcer: No, it can’t be!

Giant Five-legged, Three-headed, Four-and-a-half-winged Biomechanical Turkey That Just Busted Through the Studio’s Door: Yes it can! Thanks to you, we have finally gained the power we have always dreamed of; the power to destroy Thanksgiving forever!

Announcer: What?

Giant Five-legged, Three-headed, Four-and-a-half-winged Biomechanical Turkey That Just Busted Through the Studio’s Door: Now we have the power of time travel. Soon, our army will travel back in time to sink the Mayflower before it reaches America, destroying Thanksgiving before it begins! Gobble Gobble Gobble!!!

Announcer: But you can’t be dangerous, then we can’t ship you out to prospective customers!

Giant Five-legged, Three-headed, Four-and-a-half-winged Biomechanical Turkey That Just Busted Through the Studio’s Door: You don’t think I’m dangerous? How’s this for danger?

Giant Five-legged, Three-headed, Four-and-a-half-winged Biomechanical Turkey That Just Busted Through the Studio’s Door’s Four-and-a-half Giant Mega-Laser-Wings: ZAP!!!

Announcer: Ouch!

Giant Five-legged, Three-headed, Four-and-a-half-winged Biomechanical Turkey That Just Busted Through the Studio’s Door: Gobble Gobble Gobble!!!

Announcer [under some duress]: Ah! Get your super—ouch!—Thanksgiving package by calling—ZAP!—Oh, never mind, there goes the phones. Just mail it to—OUCH! That was my writing hand! How am I going to re-sign my advertisement contract now? –-Just mail it to PO Box 348—ZAP!—Turkeyfoot, NC—“That’s not funny, and I’ve got five feet!”—27028. Mail now!

Giant Five-legged, Three-headed, Four-and-a-half-winged Biomechanical Turkey That Just Busted Through the Studio’s Door: Gobble!

Have a happy Thanksgiving! (before Thanksgiving is obliterated from human memory)

[Bulik]

eh, I only eat mashed potatatoes and peas for thanksgiving, so ill pass on the world dominating turkey

[Toa of Nerds]

It's the day after Thanksgiving, and that means every red-blooded woman in America is out shopping somewhere. But it can also mean another thing: A Black Friday Special at BZPJTUMH!! That's right, two chapters back-to-back. This must be a holiday or something...

Black Friday Special!

It’s Black Friday, and that can mean only one thing: Sale Stampede! And nowhere is the stampede more ferocious that at BZPJTUMH! headquarters! Starting at 2 AM, we’re giving you the best deals in town!

Oscar Mayer spam is 50% off!

Flame-Bot 3000 is 60% off!

Insta-learn is 70% off

And all Thanksgiving items are completely free! We can’t live with ourselves if we have any Thanksgiving stuff left on our shelves. Heck, if our new turkey overlord isn’t joking, we won’t be living period!

Hurray in! There are no security personnel around whatsoever! So. Use. Any. Means. Necessary. To get the best deals! Plus, we’re giving the first 500 hundred people through our doors a free tazer! And bonus coupons for most people trampled, longest kill streak, and for each headshot!

Bring your credit cards!

Bring your guns!

Bring your kids!

Because every child loves a good free-for-all! This is for one day only and doesn’t happen anywhere else! The only other reason you’d want to get up this early is on Christmas Day to catch Santa trespassing!

We’ll also be holding mini-games like shopping cart jousting, funniest fart noise made on the intercom, best Billy Mays impression, and the speed buying competition where you race to see who can by the most stuff in a minute. The winner gets a gift card to buy more stuff with!

This is one of the two best times to stock up for Christmas. The other best time is any time you are watching one of our ads! But this is better because we don’t give you a free tazer and hundreds of unsuspecting victims in any of our ads!

They call this kind of sale a doorbuster, but that’s too tame for us! Doorexploder is more like it! And by doorexploder, I don’t mean that cheap stuff they put in firecrackers, I’m talkin’ military grade C-4 here! Oh, and that’s for sale as well!

You should be absolutely out of your mind with excitement! Heck, I’m out of my mind! I’ve never used so many exclamation points in my life!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


^That’s how excited I am!!!! And what’s more, my Red Bull is empty! George, hand me another! Ah, that’s much better!

So you need to come down right now! Doors explode at 2 AM with countdown ceremony and the induction of Chief Gobble at 1 AM! It’s one day only, so don’t miss it! I’m going to pass out now! [thunk!]

Happy Black Friday! (the holiday that celebrates consumerism)

[Srakii~Pktaaim]

Oooh yay, I get credit!
The Thanksgiving one was a little... random... but I loved the Black Friday chapter. The free tazer thing was hilarious.
All hail our new turkey overlords.

--

[..::Shockwave::..]

For all of you wondering what the pre recorded agreement track was saying but are to lazy to reverse type: Introducing, ..::Shockwave::..'s hard work!

Spoiler

!elbboG elbboG elbboG !yadot dne lliw su revo rorret fo ngier ladiconeg 'smirglip eht !lla rof dna ecno gnivisknahT yortsed llahs ew tsal tA !haH .yeS!

But wait! There's more! Call now, and I will throw in absolutely NOTHING for 9.4 easy payments of $27.07!

Edited by ..::Shockwave::.., Nov 29 2011 - 03:21 PM.

[ManiacToaLaco]

Because every child loves a good free-for-all! This is for one day only and doesn’t happen anywhere else! The only other reason you’d want to get up this early is on Christmas Day to catch Santa trespassing!

Amazing. I just loved the image I had in my head when I imagined my own mother doing exactly that.

But wait! There's more! Call now, and I will throw in absolutely NOTHING for 9.4 easy payments of $27.07!

Nothing you say...


MTL

[Replicant]

This is awesome. The whole Idea of making fun of Infomericals is genius, and the fax-o-matic part's comment. "Theres' a world outside BZP?" is genius.

DITTO.

[Applejack]

These last few chapters have been awesome! I love this comedy!


And I'm tempted to call that number...

[Toa of Nerds]

Product Six

Announcer: Have you ever promised to do something in advance?

Anonymous BZPower Comedy Writer: Yes!

Announcer: Even something as simple as “I promise to post a chapter every Saturday?”

Anonymous BZPower Comedy Writer: Yes!

Announcer: And then, due to an unexpected road trip, you were unable to do it?

Anonymous BZPower Comedy Writer: Totally!

Announcer: Are you too ashamed to deliver the embarrassing apology in person (ambiguous references throughout this chapter notwithstanding)?

Anonymous BZPower Comedy Writer: Yes!

Announcer: Then you need Insta-Apology 3000. This breakthrough technology will deliver your admission of guilt guilt-free!

Anonymous BZPower Comedy Writer: That’s just what I need!

Announcer: Simply input what you’re sorry for and the parties that have been offended. Insta-Apology 3000 will automatically send apologetic PMs to all of the people you imputed. Here are some examples:

I may shed a thousand tears, but it shall never repair the damage I did to you when I forgot to post a chapter Saturday.

I will forever be in your debt because I forgot to post a chapter Saturday.

When I forgot to post a chapter Saturday, I know I destroyed your life forever. I’m sorry.

Anonymous BZPower Comedy Writer: Wow! That’s exactly what I need! But I don’t know everybody who follows my comedy. If only I could find a way to post these apologies in a way that everybody who reads this topic could see…

Announcer: Why, that’s easy! Just use our optional topic post feature! Available for only an additional 4.95 widgets, this enhancement will allow you to remotely post your apologies in any topic you choose! Even this one!

Anonymous BZPower Comedy Writer: Awesome!

Announcer: It can even use built-in corny poetry! Just watch!

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Your Heart was Broken
Because I forgot to post a chapter Saturday.

Anonymous BZPower Comedy Writer: Hmm, I’ll pass on the poetry for now, but that’s still a great option!

Announcer: You bet it is! And that’s the great thing about Insta-Apology 3000, you have so many options! For only four easy payments of 19.95, you can get 3,000 apologetic lines for use! That includes 300 cruddy poems, 500 singing apologies (where a chorus of similes delivers your apology with a hear-wrenching tune), and 800 different background colors! If you need to apologize for something, then there’s no better time to do it. Call Now!

Anonymous BZPower Comedy Writer: It really works!

Edited by Toa of Nerds, Dec 06 2011 - 04:32 PM.

[Bulik]

that was hilarious, but

MY Heart was Broken
Because YOU forgot to post a chapter Saturday.

but that is a cute way to make up for the loss, even thoguht it doesnt make up for how short this one was