Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a rather average-rate ECC review. A little odd that anyone thought it resembled the shape of a bird or plane, but I digress. Let's tackle some grammatical and spelling errors first, then we'll talk turkey about your story's plot.
Here we find a matoran camp sent up by a group of nomadic Ta-matoran.
set up by
“My fellow matoran,” He says in a booming voice.
Lowercase the word "he"
He feels more at home wandering the border of their camp; wondering what may be out there.
As the opposite of what you say is a complete sentence, your statement must be a fragment. By that I mean to replace your semicolon with a comma.
“Every day, I wonder if there were any survivors of the attack; if any one searches for us.”
Once again, replace the semicolon with a comma.
"all right" is the term you want. The single word version is less accepted as correct. As a rule of thumb, it wouldn't hurt to get in the habit of writing it as two words.
We lost a lot of brothers and sisters back then; but that’s all in the past.
Third incorrect semicolon usage. Commas are your friend, really!
then way is it coming down to this planet?”
The “star” crashes down on a plateau just 20 miles from the matoran.
Numbers below one hundred should be written out (ex: twenty)
Just a personal opinion, but I think this would work better as a single word. It may not be a real word, but this is your fictional story. You're allowed to play around with nouns a bit.
Falkin said to royal guard.
"a" or "the" should precede royal guard.
The matoran their arguing about is Flaredrick.
they're arguing about
Go look around see what you like.”
and see what
Simply for the sake of reading this epic, I kind of wish you'd requested it after this hero in your title does some rising. Or at least does something. Also, I wanted to point out that your approach to this epic in a present tense format is most irregular around here. As it were, it made things feel very, very off as opposed to the standard past tense format used by third person narrators. It's not to say that present tense is an impossibility, but I do think it worked against you in this case.
In regards to your constant lowercase spelling of Matoran and Kanohi, I was willing to let that slide. My philosophy with things like that is one mistake is an error, but consistency is style. Moving on to your actual story though, there's room for a lot of potential in there. The real issue comes from how little you're actually doing. Somewhere between the balance of assuming your reader is an intelligent, coherent person and knowing they won't predict every little twist and turn of your plot, you need to be prepared to give back. I'm not talking about holding their hand and walking them through what your story is supposed to be, but I mean really rewarding your audience.
The story feels very drained of color, stilted as well. It's bland, if I have to come right out and be frank about it. There's little to no sensory experience for your characters, details are locales and cities are sparse beyond what sounds like the advertisement on some kind of alien world's travel brochure. I find myself saying this more often than I like, but for all the hard facts of the story, you really need to churn out details. The basic plot and all the foundational elements in it, that's the "broccoli" if you'll work with my analogy for a moment. But details, rich, colorful, fantastic descriptions of the world built up around your characters, that's your "ice cream." The trick is to give your readers just enough broccoli, and plenty of ice cream. Because most people totally love ice cream, correct?
Now, I could probably say something similar for your characters, because outside of their names and some vague words about their armor/species/size, there's really nothing to make them feel genuine. They could be faceless entities just chit-chatting with one another, and I know that isn't what you wanted them to come across as. Give them character, feelings, emotional reactions, curiosities, likes/dislikes, idiosyncrasies, the sky is the limit! Just make them unique, whole embodiments of your writing.
I'll level with you, it's tough to stare your work down and admit that it has its shortcomings, but take the opportunity to really ask yourself "If I were reading this story rather than writing it, knowing absolutely nothing about the rest of the story other than what I've seen thus far, how invested would I be in continuing to read it?" You may find yourself dissatisfied with the answer you receive and I couldn't think of a better reaction really. Complacency is the perfect barrier to improvement, and a writer always has room for improvement.
Trust me when I say that I've seen work like yours in the past, in the same way I'm trusting myself right now when I say I'll probably see more like it in the future. And I'll wind up writing another review like this, talking about scenery and characters that need a dose of life injected into them, as if I'm living some kind of weird critiquing version of Groundhog Day. So here's the facts. Writing isn't easy. If it were, I'd have made enough money off it to be in a mansion somewhere right now rushing down an indoor water slide with a loop in the middle while classic rock tunes blare in the background. And second of all, writing demands a lot of a writer. If you don't put all of yourself into the story and everything that encompasses it, your readers will receive even less than that. You're a storyteller, and the written word is the conduit through which you will tell it. If something doesn't come out the way it looked in your head, the audience will never know. So writing is a matter of getting back what you give. And if you give everything, I'd wager dollars to donuts that your audience will reward the effort.
Anyway, that's the long version of it. Let that sink in for a little bit…think it over. And best of luck, fellow writer.