7 replies to this topic

[Flaredrick: Forgotten One]

Now I know I'm going to get a lot of critisim for this epic but this is my fanon story. So tell me what you think of the story. Oh..and also I'll be posting a new chapter every week, just for convieniece so you can know.

 

A Hero Rises

Edited by The Forgotten One, Jan 12 2013 - 05:29 PM.

[Dual Matrix]

Nice story, well writen I will surely follow this one.

Only:
If there's one thing I learned from the Memoires of Death is that words like Matoran, Toa, Kanohi,... Need to be capitalised.

[Flaredrick: Forgotten One]

I did not know that. Thanks, also Chapter 2 will be out by sometime Friday.

[Cederak]

Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a rather average-rate ECC review. A little odd that anyone thought it resembled the shape of a bird or plane, but I digress. Let's tackle some grammatical and spelling errors first, then we'll talk turkey about your story's plot.

 

 

 

Here we find a matoran camp sent up by a group of nomadic Ta-matoran.

 

 

set up by

 

 

“My fellow matoran,” He says in a booming voice.

 

 

Lowercase the word "he"

 

 

He feels more at home wandering the border of their camp; wondering what may be out there.

 

 

As the opposite of what you say is a complete sentence, your statement must be a fragment. By that I mean to replace your semicolon with a comma.

 

 

“Every day, I wonder if there were any survivors of the attack; if any one searches for us.”

 

 

Once again, replace the semicolon with a comma.

 

 

“It’s alright;

 

 

"all right" is the term you want. The single word version is less accepted as correct. As a rule of thumb, it wouldn't hurt to get in the habit of writing it as two words.

 

 

We lost a lot of brothers and sisters back then; but that’s all in the past.

 

 

Third incorrect semicolon usage. Commas are your friend, really!

 

 

then way is it coming down to this planet?”

 

 

then why

 

 

The “star” crashes down on a plateau just 20 miles from the matoran.

 

 

Numbers below one hundred should be written out (ex: twenty)

 

 

“Waste landers”

 

 

Just a personal opinion, but I think this would work better as a single word. It may not be a real word, but this is your fictional story. You're allowed to play around with nouns a bit.

 

 

Falkin said to royal guard.

 

 

"a" or "the" should precede royal guard.

 

 

The matoran their arguing about is Flaredrick.

 

 

they're arguing about

 

 

Go look around see what you like.”

 

 

and see what

 

 

Simply for the sake of reading this epic, I kind of wish you'd requested it after this hero in your title does some rising. Or at least does something. Also, I wanted to point out that your approach to this epic in a present tense format is most irregular around here. As it were, it made things feel very, very off as opposed to the standard past tense format used by third person narrators. It's not to say that present tense is an impossibility, but I do think it worked against you in this case.

 

In regards to your constant lowercase spelling of Matoran and Kanohi, I was willing to let that slide. My philosophy with things like that is one mistake is an error, but consistency is style. Moving on to your actual story though, there's room for a lot of potential in there. The real issue comes from how little you're actually doing. Somewhere between the balance of assuming your reader is an intelligent, coherent person and knowing they won't predict every little twist and turn of your plot, you need to be prepared to give back. I'm not talking about holding their hand and walking them through what your story is supposed to be, but I mean really rewarding your audience.

 

The story feels very drained of color, stilted as well. It's bland, if I have to come right out and be frank about it. There's little to no sensory experience for your characters, details are locales and cities are sparse beyond what sounds like the advertisement on some kind of alien world's travel brochure. I find myself saying this more often than I like, but for all the hard facts of the story, you really need to churn out details. The basic plot and all the foundational elements in it, that's the "broccoli" if you'll work with my analogy for a moment. But details, rich, colorful, fantastic descriptions of the world built up around your characters, that's your "ice cream." The trick is to give your readers just enough broccoli, and plenty of ice cream. Because most people totally love ice cream, correct?

 

Now, I could probably say something similar for your characters, because outside of their names and some vague words about their armor/species/size, there's really nothing to make them feel genuine. They could be faceless entities just chit-chatting with one another, and I know that isn't what you wanted them to come across as. Give them character, feelings, emotional reactions, curiosities, likes/dislikes, idiosyncrasies, the sky is the limit! Just make them unique, whole embodiments of your writing.

 

I'll level with you, it's tough to stare your work down and admit that it has its shortcomings, but take the opportunity to really ask yourself "If I were reading this story rather than writing it, knowing absolutely nothing about the rest of the story other than what I've seen thus far, how invested would I be in continuing to read it?" You may find yourself dissatisfied with the answer you receive and I couldn't think of a better reaction really. Complacency is the perfect barrier to improvement, and a writer always has room for improvement.

 

Trust me when I say that I've seen work like yours in the past, in the same way I'm trusting myself right now when I say I'll probably see more like it in the future. And I'll wind up writing another review like this, talking about scenery and characters that need a dose of life injected into them, as if I'm living some kind of weird critiquing version of Groundhog Day. So here's the facts. Writing isn't easy. If it were, I'd have made enough money off it to be in a mansion somewhere right now rushing down an indoor water slide with a loop in the middle while classic rock tunes blare in the background. And second of all, writing demands a lot of a writer. If you don't put all of yourself into the story and everything that encompasses it, your readers will receive even less than that. You're a storyteller, and the written word is the conduit through which you will tell it. If something doesn't come out the way it looked in your head, the audience will never know. So writing is a matter of getting back what you give. And if you give everything, I'd wager dollars to donuts that your audience will reward the effort.

 

Anyway, that's the long version of it. Let that sink in for a little bit…think it over. And best of luck, fellow writer.

 

-Ced

[Flaredrick: Forgotten One]

Whoa, that's some big mistakes that I made. I'll revise it today, or Wensday, due to the fact I got testing coming up. But yeah, I'll take your advise.

 

Also, didn't really get any reviews yet, so I really wanted a pro's opinion. I was speed writing, and I couldn't see what mistakes I made like the was or the part where they were talking.

 

Anyways, thanks for your opinion, Ced. I'll make them longer, since I did want them to be a bit short because I didn't know how much wording each post can take.

 

- The Forgotten One

[Cederak]

Anyways, thanks for your opinion, Ced. I'll make them longer, since I did want them to be a bit short because I didn't know how much wording each post can take.

 

 

You're quite welcome. Also, the board cuts posts off around 8,000 words. You were nowhere near the danger zone.

 

-Ced

[Flaredrick: Forgotten One]

Revision and Chapter 2 are on there way. Also Ced, thanks for getting me on the song Danger Zone.
 
 
Revisions have been made and Chapter 2 is complete. I'll post them tomorrow after school.

 

EDIT: Revisions are in as asked for by Ced, Thanks bud. Also Chapter 2 is out. Chapter 3 will be out by Wensday, because I get out early. 

EDIT 2: I've been lazy to finish Chapter 3, but it's finally here.

Edited by The Forgotten One, Jan 23 2013 - 09:47 PM.

[CeeCee]

I use a traffic light code fir final scores of my sections:

Gold: Excellent

Green: Very Good

Amber: Acceptable

Red: Needs improvement 

 

Okay. I really try hard to be positive in my reviews but Im sorry. If I lied to you and said its all fine and dandy, I would be majorly disrespecting your intelligence which I obviously dont want to do. 

 

Writing:

 

One of the first things that I noticed was the present tense narration. I have to be honest when I say this, and say it really doesn't work for your story. It sounds like its meant to be some sort of documentary, but if so, then you give me not indication of that. Honestly, I would really consider changing all your present tense words and making them past. This would already almost get it up to and amber for me. Next thing is your description. I coulndt tell what was going on haf the time, and this is obviously a bad thing. Remember that as a reader, we cant see what you see when you write this. Im sure you imagine every last detail down to a T, but we cant see that unless you tell us. No ones telling you to write paragraphs of explanation, but maybe describe what a characters face looks like when he says a line, or what the scenery they are in looks like. We dont know what this camp looks like and its really distracting. I was also reading most of the lines in monotone because you gave me no indication as to how they were saying their line.

 

There are a lor of things that could be done to improve even the prolouge that all fit in to the same catogrey as "show us, dont just tell us, so Ill give some examples

 

 

 

A daring yet companionate leader,

 

Instead of just telling us that, show how he is daring anc oompainate. For all these examples, imagine we cant take the writters word for it. Give us some evidence and we'll be much more invested in the characters

 

 

“I get no respect from my fellow Matoran, and now they want to party. Not even a thank you for what I do, just so we can stay alive. What kind of a leader is Mathez trying to be?”

 

Give us a scene showing that Kathis gets no respect from his Matoran and show his disliking for Mathez. 

 

 

 

“It’s all right; I won’t punish you for going out here at night.”

 

 Okay? I wasnt aware it was punishable to be outside the camp until this line. Set up the senario before you just say something is bad.

 

 

 

 

“No. I know how you feel ever since our city fell. We lost a lot of brothers and sisters back then; but that’s all in the past. Rejoice yourself and come celebrate with us.”

 

“Okay.” They start walking back to the city. “By the way how long did you know I was going outside the camp?”

 

This scene just feels static. Ill get onto dialog when I move on to characters but you hinted earlier that Kathis doesnt like Mathez, yet you showed nothing of the sort here in this scene. We didnt even get an insight into the characters head or feeling in the slightest which Ill get to later. The shortness of your chapters id also a real issue. Most people would do what you did in a paragraph within a chapter and that's what it feels Im reading

 

Writing Score: Red

 

Characters:

Right. This section is called characters although I think you can only just barley call them that. They have no depth, no emotions and no uniqueness  It might as well be the same guy having a conversation with himself. I got back to my last point of show and not tell. You tell us what these characters are meant to be like and the feeling they're meant to have for another, but you show nothing about that when they are talking to one another. I have also noticed that you neverget inside a characters head. You only display their emmotions when they speak. For example:

 

 

 

“Every day, I wonder if there were any survivors of the attack, if any one searches for us.”

 

and

 

 

“I get no respect from my fellow Matoran, and now they want to party. Not even a thank you for what I do, just so we can stay alive. What kind of a leader is Mathez trying to be?”

 

You do know you can tell us the characters thought through third person. Its sometimes a common misconception that this can only be done in first person but thats not the case. Althouh, stick to one prospective per chapter and dont jump around to other peoples heads mid chapter. I did the same thing in my first epic which confused the reviewer.

 

You also make your characters conversations seem really staic and doesnt feel very genuine at all. Maybe add some though for Kathis while hes speaking to Mathez, and well, just add more lines to the conversation.

 

Character score: Red

 

Story:

Okay, so from what I could tell the story seems pretty basic although you dint give us a lot to go on. Im also not quite sure how relevant the prologue is to the main story as you have only done three chapters but to be honest I dont really understand whats going on. Seeing as story depends heavily on the other two catogries, i would imagine if you fixed them I would have a better understanding.

 

Story score: Red

 

Okay now listen. I know it can be very disheartening when you see this much critism, but giving up on it would solve nothing so please done. Look at what I have said and use it. Knowledge is a weapon. See Ill cut you a deal. Fix up just the prologue by doing the things I have said, and Ill give it another read. 

 

Good luck TFO. And stick to what you love doing.

Edited by Commander CeeCee, Mar 01 2013 - 07:01 AM.