4 replies to this topic

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

A small side project to give me a little bit of variety from the monolith that The Best Kept Secrets turned out to be, The Shadow of this Red Rock is an idea that I've been mulling over for a short while. Fortunately it'll be noticeably shorter than the other epic, which I will still be working on, at roughly 6-7 chapters. This is the topic in which any readers might voice their opinions and constructive criticisms, all of which will be graciously welcomed.  

Edited by The Jolly Automaton, Jan 01 2013 - 12:56 PM.

[CeeCee]

Wow. What can I say? 
 
Well I guess Ill try and start. I just want to say, Im not a born critic, but I know what I like and I like this epic. I have so far only read the first chapter but you can defintly get a feeling of who Eyvous is. We first see Eyvous being beating up and mugged although we dont know this yet until he explains it. I like the way you did this becuase we didnt really know what was going on.Is he a Toa or what. Pretty quickly we are told that he is a simple Matoran being robbed of all his possessions  What makes this character even more relatable in this situation is his dreams to hunt down and make the Matoran responsible pay. I like this. I think we all live little fantasy lives and we can really understand how the characters is feeling at this point in his life. I would also really  like to say that I love the way its written. Going through a constant monologue of Eyvous's thoughts makes it really easy to love the character instantly. I see many 1st person writers just write like 3rd person but swap hes and shes for "I". It reminds me of a sort of intro to a film where the narrator is telling us all we need to know about him and his location.
 
Next you give a great and clear description of Ta-Metru. You used a lot of clear imagery and its literally like a painting in my mind. 
 
We then meet a character who I forget the name of XD. Anyway. he is a Le-Matoran. I do actually like this character and want to see more of him. He seems very different to Eyvous, yet from what I can tell, Eyvous secretly wants to be like him. At this moment I cant tell if these two will be allies or enemies but I do sense a bromance coming. Could be wrong though. Also, who is Turaga Skadrix? and what time is this set in?
 
Next we probably get to the most exciting scene of the chapter but before I get onto that I want to praise you on the personification of the light stone. I also like the way you shock us about the Toa actually being stabbed. I was expecting the good old "You will be a Toa now" But I was wrong. So, the Toa is dying. It was actually a sort of touching moment for me although I have no idea if Eyvous knows who this is so I cant really say if it would have been better to have memories seen of this guy. Anyway, he hands a Toa Stone to Eyvous and the next part sort of suprises me. I was sort of expecting Eyvous to hand it to Skadrix but I get really suprised. I wasnt expecting him to steel it at all and adds a new depth and dark side to this chracter
 
All in all, I really like this and will defintly read the next chapters
Well done!
 
 
Wow. Read the second chapter. Cant really say much that wont go over what Ive already said but you have a great ability to portray a character to the reader instantly. Dume was spot on. I also loved the realism of when he thought the Toa stone might be gone. I am really interested to see where this epic goes. If Eyvous does become Toa, I wonder if it will be used for good or bad, considering it doesnt seem like his destiny and the "shadow" in the tittle seems like it might be... foreshadowing something... get it? All in all, I loved it and cant wait for you to release chapter. Consider me a fan

[Chro]

Looks excellent so far. I want to like Eyvous, but he seems... off somehow. If you've written it like that intentionally, great job, and if not... great job. As Ceecee said, I'd like to see more of the Le-Matoran. More of Glaycel and Yuiet, too, actually. Just Po- and Onu- for a complete set...
I notice that you wrote barely anything about the dead Toa. Not sure if that will be significant or if it's just because he's unimportant, and although I suspect the former, I would've liked to see a little something (even as slight as armor color, or what mask he wore)... but I assume he was a Toa of Fire because of the red glow on the Toa Stone.
Anyway, great story, can't wait for chapter three.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

@CeeCee: Thanks, man, I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it. Well, I'm not going to respond to everything but I will say that Turaga Sadrix is the predecessor to Turaga Dume, who, as Eyvous said, has already achieved his destiny. And yup, writing the darker side to Eyvous is probably the most part of the epic I relish the most, heh.

 

@Chro: Again, I'm pleased to see you like it so far. As for Eyvous' likeability...well, I'll just say that he's not a good guy, but I don't want you to think of him as a bad guy either. I think that your way of looking at him is the best so far, somebody you want to like but are having a few difficulties with. As for the return of some of the Matoran...well, I'll get to that in chapter three.

 

Which incidentally, should be going up in the next hour or so.  

[fishers64]

I like this work; the stream of consciousness writing style fits very well, and I like how you have used it to give the characters in the story realistic thoughts, emotions, and motivations. You've also created an atmosphere of mystery about the mission the Toa was on and the mugging of Eyvous, which may or may not be related.

I'm glad to say that I don't have any criticism; while excess description has been a problem with your earlier works, this style that you've chosen takes that problem and embraces it. This character of yours would be thinking about descriptive details of the other characters, which allows you to present them without feeling forced. It builds on your characters and what they are doing instead of just being there. While such a style is not a perquisite for good writing, this style seems to fit you better than the uninvolved narrator of TBKS.

Translation: I liked this story, better than your previous work. Great job.