Enigma Review Topic
Posted Oct 16 2011 - 03:44 PM
Posted Sep 14 2012 - 09:15 AM
I really like what you've posted of the story so far. It makes the reader curious. Who is Necron? Why is he is apparently trying to sneak into a building? Is he doing it for noble reasons or evil reasons or for other reasons entirely?
Unfortunately, because you posted only one chapter, none of those questions are ever answered. You have a good hook here, which is essentialy to any story, but a hook is useless if you don't have the rest of the story to go along with it.
It's hard to say anything about the only two characters introduced here, Necron and Vix. If I had to say, Necron seems like he is a fearless kind of guy who is willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done, while Vix is far more cautious but supportive of his friend just the same. I might be wrong, though, because of how little you've posted of the story so far.
This chapter also feels incomplete. While I have nothing against short chapters, in this case I don't think it works out quite well because it leaves too many questions unanswered (see questions at beginning of review). At the very least you could have told us why Necron was willing to risk his life to break into this building, but you didn't even do that.
Some more description could be useful as well. Though your description isn't exactly what I'd call bare bones, you still leave a few too many things up to the reader's imagination. Like, what does Vix look like? I assume he's a Matoran, but it's never specified so I don't know. And there's no way that I, the reader, can know what Vix looks like unless you describe him or at least mention a few key traits (such as a scar or perhaps a coat he wears or something).
Your spelling and grammar is generally pretty good, though you can be a bit repetitive, such as here:
He leaned left and landed softly on top of a tall building.
The building was extremely tall. It had to be at least 230 stories high.
You called the building "tall" at least twice. I would recommend doing away with the bolded section, seeing as how in the very next sentence you estimate its height for the reader. If we are told the building is tall and "at least" 230 stories high, then there's no reason to say "The building was extremely tall" unless you're trying to be ironic, which I don't think you are.
All in all, I'd say you have a strong start for a story that potentially could be very interesting, but as there is nothing else it's hard to say just how good this story could have turned out. I'd recommend that you work on length, repetitiveness, and description.
Keep on writing!
"If people only knew how hard I work to gain my mastery it wouldn't seem so wonderful at all." -Michelangelo
Charity Review Coordinator for the Epic Critics Club
A Writerly Blog
The Tasty Library of Sugary Goodness
(BIONICLE: The Legend Imploded Completed 05/11/13)
(What I Should Have Said Posted 12/20/12)
(The Final Answer Posted 02/18/13)
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users