5 replies to this topic

[Aderia]

On the island of Odina, a grand fortress once stood. It had been terrifying not only in size and complexity, but also in reputation and legend.

But now, in its place a solitary figure stood instead. She could not help but observe the debris and wreckage with a smug air of superiority.

In her clawed hand, she held a single stone tablet.

It was titled "Black Diamonds":


Some beings foolishly carry around the superstition that finding a black diamond is bad luck. I have means to prove why that belief holds true for everyone but me. You see, I am fortunate to have my own assembly of these 'black diamonds' at my disposal. And while they wreak havoc and ill fortune on others, so to speak, never have they brought me sour luck, quite the contrary, in fact.

Let me clarify.

To be as cold as the winter's wind, and to be as dark as Karzahni's heart, to be as callous and unfeeling as a stone, yet brilliant and accurate like ice; all of these can be attributed to a black diamond. Yet, at the same time, that description matches my Dark Hunters.

Each agent on the roster, with his or her own history, found in the rough and brought to me by a twist of fate. Some came here as nothing more than clods of dirt, and others dull and lifeless. Training and lifestyle here doubtlessly cut and polished my Hunters individually, working them to perfection. Missions and operations carried out under my name can be fulfilled with me trusting that I'm being represented respectably. Agents can be showcased under my authority, making it known that the Dark Hunters are not a force to be overlooked.

Perhaps the best thing about black diamonds is that they are nature's immortals, taking forever to form and an even longer forever to fade. Even though we are all mortal, our legacy is not.

-The Shadowed One

The figure dropped the tablet to the ground, watching silently as it shattered.

She had a long, complicated history in which the Dark Hunters were entwined. It was almost revenge served sweet and cold, standing here in the remains of her enemy's stronghold. She only wished its fall had been by her doing.

Although the one to whom she was speaking had no way of hearing her words, Roodaka spoke them regardless, as she crushed the shards of tablet beneath her heel.

"You silly fool. I thought everyone knew that black diamonds are nothing but coal."
₪҉₪

Edited by Zosia Darr, May 21 2012 - 02:31 PM.

[Quote (Mr. Traveler)]

Yes! This is still, probably, I'm pretty sure, (what you have a lot of good ones) my favorite SS you've written. Just done wonderfully. Glad I got to read this a second time through.

I recommend it to anyone who ventures into this Short Story topic and is looking for a great, chilling read.

[The Novelist Called Nuile]

This was short, even for a short story. But it didn't have to be any longer. It was poetically sinister and fluidic, resonating with a dark beauty. The introduction and postlude flowed well into it because they were what was truly taking place here, and yet they weren't. I'm having trouble deciding what the crux of the story really was. The whole piece was almost amorphous, in a way, and yet somehow particular and defined. I'm not sure how that makes sense, but this story is difficult to describe. It's just . . . potent. Grant used an apt word: chilling. Potently chilling. That sums it up well, I think.


It's almost a shame to do so, but I'm just going to point out two grammatical mistakes to be helpful:

And while they wreak havoc and ill fortune on others, so to speak, never have they brought me sour luck, quite the contrary, in fact.

I didn't like how the sentence slid into "quite the contrary, in fact." It seems entirely separate of everything that preceded it, and I think at the very least it should be partitioned by a semicolon.

To be as cold as the winter's wind, and to be as dark as Karzahni's heart, to be as callous and unfeeling as a stone, yet brilliant and accurate like ice; All of these can be attributed to a black diamond.

That didn't need to be capitalized.

These are mere nitpicks. Besides that, I have nothing but praise for this. It was a short poem written in prose. An exquisite work; I commend you!

From the desk of Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Edited by Nuile: The Daft Wordbender, May 19 2012 - 09:05 PM.

[Mendicant Bias]

This is fantastic. You have managed to entertain even a person who has fallen out of love with Bionicle such as myself. Kudos to you, sir.

Also, "quite the contrary, in fact" should not be separated by a semicolon as Nuile stated; it should instead utilise a colon. A semicolon is used in place of a period to separate two independent clauses.

[Aderia]

Yes! This is still, probably, I'm pretty sure, (what you have a lot of good ones) my favorite SS you've written. Just done wonderfully. Glad I got to read this a second time through.

I recommend it to anyone who ventures into this Short Story topic and is looking for a great, chilling read.

Thanks for taking time to review again on the new forums, Grant appreciate it, as always.

This was short, even for a short story. But it didn't have to be any longer. It was poetically sinister and fluidic, resonating with a dark beauty. The introduction and postlude flowed well into it because they were what was truly taking place here, and yet they weren't. I'm having trouble deciding what the crux of the story really was. The whole piece was almost amorphous, in a way, and yet somehow particular and defined. I'm not sure how that makes sense, but this story is difficult to describe. It's just . . . potent. Grant used an apt word: chilling. Potently chilling. That sums it up well, I think.


It's almost a shame to do so, but I'm just going to point out two grammatical mistakes to be helpful:

And while they wreak havoc and ill fortune on others, so to speak, never have they brought me sour luck, quite the contrary, in fact.

I didn't like how the sentence slid into "quite the contrary, in fact." It seems entirely separate of everything that preceded it, and I think at the very least it should be partitioned by a semicolon.

To be as cold as the winter's wind, and to be as dark as Karzahni's heart, to be as callous and unfeeling as a stone, yet brilliant and accurate like ice; All of these can be attributed to a black diamond.

That didn't need to be capitalized.

These are mere nitpicks. Besides that, I have nothing but praise for this. It was a short poem written in prose. An exquisite work; I commend you!

From the desk of Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Nuile, thank you so much for nitpicking for me.I tend to do the same when I review, and I feel a bit annoying when I do so, but my reasoning is that I would want someone to point those things out for me. I'll definitely go in and fix those.

This is fantastic. You have managed to entertain even a person who has fallen out of love with Bionicle such as myself. Kudos to you, sir.

Also, "quite the contrary, in fact" should not be separated by a semicolon as Nuile stated; it should instead utilise a colon. A semicolon is used in place of a period to separate two independent clauses.

Aha, thank you for dropping a review, I guess you can tell, the technics of grammar aren't my strongest point.

Kudos to you, sir.

*curtsies*

[The Marlfox]

hey, it's nice to see you repost this from the old forums. too bad you couldn't have entered it in the Flash Fiction marathon, I think it could done well. anyways, two thumbs up, like usual, Aderia!