4 replies to this topic

[Kooler186]

Welcome to my Bionicle: Alternate Dimensions review.
http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=8823

Talk about anything you dislike, I hope. I'm not fond of comments to be honest, I like negative feedback it feeds me, it drives my motives to continue doing what I love. Writing. Now if someone can just make a logo for B:A D using an MNOG styled Olmak would be pretty sick.

[Canis Lupus]

Okay, I will review this. My comments will be in this nice bold, yellow font, and my corrections in this bold red one.

 

 

 “Are you sure this plan can work?” Asked the Makuta of Metru Nui.
    “Yes, we had extensive research done.” Takadox raised his head from the table. “My brothers must not be allowed to take total control, Teridax that is where you come in, I’ll need you to gather an army and in 3 sunsets you will begin the Battle for Mata Nui.” Mata Nui? I think you mean Metru Nui. 
    “And what will you do?”
    “I must fight alongside the Barraki in order to prove my worth, Pridak must be onto me, and my disappearances.” 
    “Then why am I here?” Mutran asked while bored out of his mind.
    Teridax responded, “You like to know things, you like to experiment...”
    Takadox took over, “We, more importantly need you for this to work. You seek knowledge, we want Tren Krom’s knowledge. That way the entire Brotherhood can be worshipped as Great Spirits, and bask in Mata Nui’s glory.” 
    “What should I tell Miserix.” Icarax asked from across the chamber.
    Teridax looked at the two of them, “I’ll handle this.” he said quietly. He would grab his younger brother by the back of the neck, and began to walk down the hallway while Takadox and Mutran continued their plans on how to get Tren Krom to cooperate with them. “Ever hear of the Kanohi Kraahkan?” The puzzled Icarax had no clue about the mask. “The Mask of Shadows was forged from the strongest solid substance, protosteel, by the greatest creator in the entire universe, Artakha. Once I have it, I can overthrow Miserix, or better yet kill him, and obtain total control of the universe.” The Makuta knew about the Kraakhan, as Teridax wore it for his entire existence. (Before his body was destryoyed, of course.)
    “You do know I’ll have to report you to our older brother.” Teridax turned around, there stood Krika. “You wouldn’t think you can just get away with betraying him, just because you can bully Icarax, doesn’t mean you can do the same to me.”
    Teridax through Icarax into Krika, then proceeded to beat them both, “I’ll rule this Universe, after I slay Takadox in 3 sunsets. Just because he wants amnesty, doesn’t mean anything. That is if he still has the Tablet of Transit with him.” Tablet of Transit? What?
    Krika to Teridax, “Which of us three should inform him of the battle.” Deleted a 'sit' that was right here.
    “I have a suggestion.” Icarax said. “If the three of us do it right now, our armies will be bigger if we involve him into the war.” Involve who? Takadox?
    “You can tell the dragon, Krika is coming with me to Artakha instead of you.” 
    “What’s in Artakha?” This a very abrupt ending, I think you should have gone further in the first chapter.

 

Now on to the second chapter.

 

 

 The two Makuta barged into a dark room, “So you mean to tell me, you need a mask, that once you corner your enemies, you can scare them, via shadows.” Who is speaking here? Artakha? If so, you should have made that more clearer.

    Teridax had disgust in his voice, “So I take it, you won’t give me that mask.”
    “Makuta, I understand that you have a job to do. So how about I lend you the mask, for your battle.” Artakha looked up from his new invention, a weird head piece, possibly from for an assistant android.
    “What battle?” chuckled Teridax.
    “The one, where you free us all of Barraki control...Don’t worry...your little friend Icarax made it here before both of you...and on Miserix’s orders.”
    “Then you should know all about our time constraints. We have a plan, to corner them, and more importantly kill them. Teridax has the capability to defeat them with a minimal amount of losses. Please listen to me, more than him, you can probably already tell, I’m jumpy, WITH EXCITEMENT!” Shouted Krika Who are the 'them' Krika mentions? Also, the whole 'jumpy WITH EXCITEMENT!" thing is something no Makuta would ever do.
    “Teridax, I think he is too jumpy, let’s go for a walk.”
    Icarax entered the room. It was as if both of them couldn’t figure out what they should do. They just stared each other down. Krika twitched a little too much, this played in Icarax mind, what he could do, to betray the brother he shared many secrets with. However the big problem was that both knew each other so well, that they can fight each other to a draw. But they just walked around the room, picking up limbs of a robot, “Matoran.” both said together. What? Artakha didn't make Matoran.
    Back into the hallway, Artakha was leading the Teridax into a trap, at the end of the hallway was a light, standing outside the exit, was Botar, ready to take the Makuta into custody, they know about the war that would soon follow, and wanted to know how they could give assistance. “Artakha, lend me that mask, and I’ll show how effective a leader I can be.” Run on sentence. It needs breaks. Also, who is they?
    Artakha laughing, “Your Hau can’t protect you? Or do you need a mask, that is still in it’s prototype stage. After all it causes masks to become infected, that is why I won’t give you it. Infections can cause madness, madness can turn someone pure evil, you won’t like be corroded armor, would you? For a few days you can wear it, but not non-stop, that will make you like these empty shells that I built.” What causes mask to become infected? The Kraakhan? If so, then why can't Teridax where it?
    “What were those shells about anyways. Simple. Innocent matoran, you plan on turning them evil, filling them with shadow. What’s wrong...”
    “With me? That is an army, I will duplicate for you. Droids built, to be as wise as a Turaga, as multi purposeful as a Matoran, and as small as a Bohrok Va. Any mask can be placed on their heads, I’ve had placed an order from Ta-Metru, a thousand Kanoka disc made masks and weapons forged by Vakama. He’s, he is, he’s like a clone of me. Maybe one day my successor.” Any form of Bohrok is unknown to the inhabitants of the MU. Artakha might know, but he wouldn't tell Teridax about it.
    “Vakama, I’ll remember to thank him for his assistance if I ever meet him. Now since you’re over hyping your part of the army, let’s turn back, because I know you’re leading me into a trap.” Botar then grabbed the Makuta from behind, “Follow me if you want an army.” Artakha soon followed them both, “Botar knows my secrets, and we are far underneath my island, so that weakness you want to know about, it so happens, that it’s about how they operate. They need a power source, and only your Antidermis being extracted and synthesized could be enough to power these droids. That prototype so happens to be in my office that you met me in. To be fair, they all take orders, but none of them prioritize, so they can switch sides mid battle, they easily break, are hard to repair, and they can use any Kanohi to the Noble extent, that is their greatest resource. Now take the Kanohi Kraahkan, and hid that thing after you kill each and every one of those warlords. Or do me a big favor, destroy it.” Noble Kanohi are, to say the least, very weak.
    Botar left the room to go check on the two Makuta, but as he entered the entire room had been destroyed. “Now you two are in big trouble.” This is a good ending, not like the last one.

 

Now on to the third chapter

 

 

As the battle raged on, the Barraki had control over the battlefield. Teridax was hiding along with Krika and a few Rahi behind some boulders.
    “Where is our backup, Teridax?”
    “They are hidden, waiting for when Takadox gives the signal, then all at once they will leap out and attack our capturers and liberate everyone. The signal will be when Pridak begins his assault, I made sure to tip off Pridak, making him believe that his suspicions are not truthful. So he will fight his brother, our newest brother, Takadox.”
    “What about the rest?” Krika responded.
    “Don’t worry about them, Miserix knows the final stages to my plan. He will join us when we begin to take back the island. You, rahi, I want you to prepare to attack Kalmah’s army from behind.” What? Weren't the Makuta trying to overthrow Miserix? And now they are allied with him?
    Icarax had been flying in circles since he arrived at the battle, the armies below wouldn’t stop chasing him until they got tired or nauseous of going in circles. When he finally made his descent he made sure it was a half mile away from the two Makuta. He was shot down over the air while making the descent, and he landed in an area of the battlefield that Mantax had control of.
    “Run, Makuta or die.”
    Icarax got to his feet, “Well I guess this info couldn't help my brothers, but it’s important to know, our backup plan had not been properly repaired, these Matoran come from Karzahni, reprogrammed to take orders from any Makuta. I’ll be willing to offer you my services if you take out Takadox for me.”
    “Why Takadox? Is Pridak right about him being a traitor?”
    “Takadox plans on taking over Mata Nui himself. We spied on him. But the traitor isn’t a Barraki, it’s a close friend, though.” That should be the entire Universe, not  Mata Nui.
    “You may go free, but if I see you again, I’ll kill you personally.”
    “Thank you.” Icarax ran as fast as he could, running in curves to throw off the Barraki about Teridax’s location. This gave the Makuta the upper hand, for when he reached them he placed a scroll in front of them. A message from Metru Nui, a declaration of war against the Barraki, and a Ta-Metru Matoran was to lead this unexpected charge.
    “Rahi, I want you to scatter, and head towards the beach, we need as many Matoran to survive the arrival. These reinforcements can help us once and for all. Krika, I want you to go directly onto the beach and recover the soldiers.”
    “What about me?”
    “I need you to wait for Miserix’s army to arrive.”
    “He’s not going to make it. He informed me that this Matoran is one of most loyal Matoran, I think his name is Jaller.” His name was only Jala on Mata Nui.

    “Well we’ll just have to wait until the time is...”

 

    Takadox had begun to withdraw his troops, knowing that Jaller’s army was coming, it was time to speed up the defeat of his former friends. Pridak sent his Rahi to kill any strays, fearing they could be Takadox’s or Makuta’s as a diversion, so he went directly after Takadox.
    “How dare you try to stop our plans to rule Mata Nui.”
    “I didn’t steal your plan.”
    “I didn’t say steal.”
    Takadox jabbed his swords into Pridak, “How dare you tell the Makuta of our plans.”
    “Mantax, help me.”
    Takadox turned around, and punched Pridak, once he pulled Pridak up he ripped the swords out and sliced his mask. The remaining Barraki had problems, Teridax went to recover the Kanohi Kraahkan, and sent Icarax to unleash the hidden droids, they were located in a collapsed cave. They burrowed their way out of where they were placed and began to assault the armies. The rahi, lead by Jaller began to help Teridax in turning the tide of the battle. As the Barraki attempted to retreat, it was nightfall.
    “Fear me. For I am nothing. But. The shadows.”
    Ehlek, “Makuta you can not defeat us.”
    “As long as I wear the mask of shadows, and it’s night time, I now rule all of Mata Nui. Lay down your weapons or die.”
    Kalmah, “We will never give in.”
    Botar had arrived, “It’s tim all six of you are sentenced to the Pit.”
    Takadox got down on his knees begging for forgiveness “I was a spy for the man behind the shadows, I have the documentation to prove it. The Table of Transit is a relic given to me by Miserix if I did my job to bring Pridak to justice.” Teridax then began to talk, “He became infused with Antidermis yesterday to finalize his acceptance into the Brotherhood.”
    “My job is to send the Barraki to the Pit, and seeing that he is no longer a warlord, and is now a Rahi maker, I can report to Artakha the plan was successful. Now give me that mask, Artakha wants to finish working on it, before he starts his new project.”
    “As you wish.” Teridax arrived behind Botar, took off his mask and gave it to him, “Now give me Takadox in return for the mask.”

 

Okay, so those are my revisions for your story. It seems pretty interesting.

[Takua Dragonstar7]

Back into the hallway, Artakha was leading the Teridax into a trap, at the end of the hallway was a light, standing outside the exit, was Botar, ready to take the Makuta into custody, they know about the war that would soon follow, and wanted to know how they could give assistance. “Artakha, lend me that mask, and I’ll show how effective a leader I can be.”

Canis, I think you missed one. The Teridax? The "the" isn't necessary.

[Kooler186]

I actually wrote some of chapters 1,2,3 in a notebook at school, and to mask it from being read by other students I used Matoran. So the translating lead to some mistakes, aswell as me winging what I remember writing about.

 

2 Canis: CH1 The "who?" that you asked about was answered int he following sentence, the dragon, Miserix. I didn't read Teridax's page on Bionicle Sector, so screwed that up a bit, but oh well, atleast this explains how the Mask got off Artakha. The Battle of Mata Nui is correct because they are fighting to liberate Mata Nui's body from the League of 6 Kingdoms.

 

CH2 Artakha talks first, I had Morgan Freeman in The Dark Knight when he tells the accountant that good luck with trying to blackmail Batman. I thought Artakha could be like Morgan, since I never had any of the comics, only read the ones from Bionicle's website. Krika was jumpy because he feared Teridax might beat him if he did revealed info about overthrowing Mata Nui. I need to post a pick of the a Bionicle I made, these are the "Droids" that Artakha made that are mistaken for Matoran. "They" is the Order. I came up with the the mask of shadows being infected because it can explain why Makuta infected people in MNOG, and because the mask itself was infected in the movie. For all we know Artakha might have accidentally leaked info about Bohrok to Teridax, but I must post picture of the droids. Matoran can't use mask powers, but these feeble droids are able to use the noble power to better defend themselves, and in unity can be used at the Greate extent, that is why Artakha made numerous.

 

CH3 I understand your confusion about Miserix, but in this they are planning to overthrow him if he doesn't agree with the plan to overthrow Mata Nui. Though they discover the plans post battle, the change between this and the original timeline is when Takadox reveals the plan, instead of Teridax discovering it. I used "Jala" because Icarax forgot what his name was exactly, which explains why Jala's name is changed to Jaller, and why in the Kingdom story he is called Jaller, because that is his name before the Great Cataclism.
 
2 Takua7: lol

 

The Artakha Droid, front, back, with mask(notice eye sockets). Krana are used to power the droid.

Edited by Kooler186, Mar 01 2013 - 03:28 PM.

[Canis Lupus]

Krika was jumpy because he feared Teridax might beat him if he did revealed info about overthrowing Mata Nui. 

Do I understand why he was jumpy? Yes. Would a Makuta ever say what he did? No.

 

Now for Chapter Four.

 

“Where is Mutran?”
    “Takadox sent him to Tren Krom Island to find something he buried prior to the battle.” Teridax responded.
    “Takadox was not taken to the Pit.” Miserix muttered.
    “I made a deal with Botar. He gets to keep the Kraahkan, and Takadox gets to become an official Makuta.”
    “I will not mutate him into being one of us. He can call himself brother, but he will never be a true Makuta. I do not permit him working with us, I fear he wants to use us into bringing back the League of the Six Kindoms, not the old, but a new. One that will be completely obedient to him, I want you to watch closely over him.”
    “I understand Miserix.” Teridax turned around and walked out the room, he continued down to his room. “He is onto us.” You should state who Teridax is talking to when he starts talking to them.
    “Then I take it the plan is working.” 
    “Mutran should have arrived at Tren Krom, Miserix suspects your betrayal, but not mine. We just need that Kraahkan, I have a different plan that I want to try.”
    “What is it my apprentice?” Takadox asked.
    “You plead with Artakha, ask him to give us back the Kraahkan, so we can study its infection, and learn how to create a solution for it.”
    “Why cann't you go back?”
    “That Tablet will protect you from being sent to the Pit by the big guy with the sharp teeth. We can try to infect a few Metru Nui Matoran, and halt activity in the city, which will allow us to do our plan sooner rather than later.”
    “Why can’t I just use my hypnosis powers on a few?”
    “Sometimes I feel like the mastermind. I have a ship waiting to take a Makuta to Artakha’s Island. Just do this for me, since I saved your life. I just wish I could see the villains that were sent to the Pit.”
    Takadox departed from the fortress heading towards the island to reclaim the mask. As he arrived, it was as though Artakha had already known, and standing beside him was Botar, who was dismantling the droids. As the former Barraki got off the ship he followed the two of them back into the secret room, but Botar stopped, turned around and headed back to the shore. The Order picked him soon afterwards. On the wall, hung 6 Kanoka Disks humming together, “Do you like my newest toys?” First of all, who is talking here? Second, why does Botar need to be picked up? He can teleport anywhere he wants.
    “Why do they make such a screeching sound?”
    Artakha just laughed, “I know you want the mask of shadows, and I’ll be willing to hand it over if you complete three tasks for me. First, I want you to bring me back the rest of my droids. I had shut them down after Teridax won for a reason. I can’t let a thousand droids be used by tyrants, or anyone consumed by greed, or infection. My second demand is to allow me to meet the smartest Makuta, Mutran I assume. I’d like to see how great minds like ours think. And I want you to deliver a message to Karzahni.” Why second smartest? Why not the smartest?
    “I don’t have all the droids, Mutran does, so when I send him here you will have much to talk about. And what do you want me to say to Karzahni?”
    “I need you to rebuild these broken Matoran.”
    Takadox looked at the droids scattered on the floor, “Are you trying to anger your brother? Or are you messing with me?”
    Artakha’s hand reached out touching Takadox’s shoulder, “I haven’t spoken to my brother since he stopped sending Matoran back home. I’ll let you take the mask, I have no further use of it since I invented it.”
    “Invented what?” Wait, what? I thought Artakha meant the mask.
    “Leave now or Botar will take you to where your five allies are, with no chance of ever returning.” The Barraki weren't friends. They would backstab the others at the first chance they get. (If doing so furthers their own, personal agenda, of course.) Also, you seem to be a bit confused about this: The League of Six Kingdoms was the army, the Barraki were the rulers of those six kingdoms.

    Two weeks later, Teridax and Takadox entered Metru Nui. Matoran were hailing the Makuta at first, but when they saw him talking to the warlord, they booed. Each district had different feelings towards the two Brotherhood members. Po-Metru and Onu-Metru had no preference. Le-Metru, Ko-Metru, Ga-Metru were against them. As for Ta-Metru, they celebrated the Teridax, and gave him a chance to speak about that day. He retold the devastating loss of lives, both Matoran, Rahi, and any outsiders that planned on betraying the Barraki. He then pointed at two matoran in the audience. “Jaller, Vakama. Both of you were vital to our efforts in defeating them, while Takadox’s betrayal helped me stage the whole battle. You are the true heros, and this mask I hold in my hands, shall allow me to watch over you two in secrecy.” Why would he say that? Wouldn't he want to keep his secret watching, well, secret?
    At the same time the ceremony was going on in Ta-Metru, Mutran was talking with Artakha.
    “You left one droid behind, why is it not here?” Who is talking here? It could go either way.
    “We are testing the mask’s capabilities. I figured out how to reboot the single droid. So when I did, we began to figure out how to send messages to those in the shadows, we figured out how to watch people from the shadows without being there, and we solved the infection problem. In fact we have an antidote.”
    “Your antidote is temporary.”
    “How did you know?”
    Artakha began laughing, “I created the only true solution.”