Okay, I will review this. My comments will be in this nice bold, yellow font, and my corrections in this bold red one.
Now on to the second chapter.
The two Makuta barged into a dark room, “So you mean to tell me, you need a mask, that once you corner your enemies, you can scare them, via shadows.” Who is speaking here? Artakha? If so, you should have made that more clearer.
Teridax had disgust in his voice, “So I take it, you won’t give me that mask.”
“Makuta, I understand that you have a job to do. So how about I lend you the mask, for your battle.” Artakha looked up from his new invention, a weird head piece, possibly from for an assistant android.
“What battle?” chuckled Teridax.
“The one, where you free us all of Barraki control...Don’t worry...your little friend Icarax made it here before both of you...and on Miserix’s orders.”
“Then you should know all about our time constraints. We have a plan, to corner them, and more importantly kill them. Teridax has the capability to defeat them with a minimal amount of losses. Please listen to me, more than him, you can probably already tell, I’m jumpy, WITH EXCITEMENT!” Shouted Krika Who are the 'them' Krika mentions? Also, the whole 'jumpy WITH EXCITEMENT!" thing is something no Makuta would ever do.
“Teridax, I think he is too jumpy, let’s go for a walk.”
Icarax entered the room. It was as if both of them couldn’t figure out what they should do. They just stared each other down. Krika twitched a little too much, this played in Icarax mind, what he could do, to betray the brother he shared many secrets with. However the big problem was that both knew each other so well, that they can fight each other to a draw. But they just walked around the room, picking up limbs of a robot, “Matoran.” both said together. What? Artakha didn't make Matoran.
Back into the hallway, Artakha was leading the Teridax into a trap, at the end of the hallway was a light, standing outside the exit, was Botar, ready to take the Makuta into custody, they know about the war that would soon follow, and wanted to know how they could give assistance. “Artakha, lend me that mask, and I’ll show how effective a leader I can be.” Run on sentence. It needs breaks. Also, who is they?
Artakha laughing, “Your Hau can’t protect you? Or do you need a mask, that is still in it’s prototype stage. After all it causes masks to become infected, that is why I won’t give you it. Infections can cause madness, madness can turn someone pure evil, you won’t like be corroded armor, would you? For a few days you can wear it, but not non-stop, that will make you like these empty shells that I built.” What causes mask to become infected? The Kraakhan? If so, then why can't Teridax where it?
“What were those shells about anyways. Simple. Innocent matoran, you plan on turning them evil, filling them with shadow. What’s wrong...”
“With me? That is an army, I will duplicate for you. Droids built, to be as wise as a Turaga, as multi purposeful as a Matoran, and as small as a Bohrok Va. Any mask can be placed on their heads, I’ve had placed an order from Ta-Metru, a thousand Kanoka disc made masks and weapons forged by Vakama. He’s, he is, he’s like a clone of me. Maybe one day my successor.” Any form of Bohrok is unknown to the inhabitants of the MU. Artakha might know, but he wouldn't tell Teridax about it.
“Vakama, I’ll remember to thank him for his assistance if I ever meet him. Now since you’re over hyping your part of the army, let’s turn back, because I know you’re leading me into a trap.” Botar then grabbed the Makuta from behind, “Follow me if you want an army.” Artakha soon followed them both, “Botar knows my secrets, and we are far underneath my island, so that weakness you want to know about, it so happens, that it’s about how they operate. They need a power source, and only your Antidermis being extracted and synthesized could be enough to power these droids. That prototype so happens to be in my office that you met me in. To be fair, they all take orders, but none of them prioritize, so they can switch sides mid battle, they easily break, are hard to repair, and they can use any Kanohi to the Noble extent, that is their greatest resource. Now take the Kanohi Kraahkan, and hid that thing after you kill each and every one of those warlords. Or do me a big favor, destroy it.” Noble Kanohi are, to say the least, very weak.
Botar left the room to go check on the two Makuta, but as he entered the entire room had been destroyed. “Now you two are in big trouble.” This is a good ending, not like the last one.
As the battle raged on, the Barraki had control over the battlefield. Teridax was hiding along with Krika and a few Rahi behind some boulders.
“Where is our backup, Teridax?”
“They are hidden, waiting for when Takadox gives the signal, then all at once they will leap out and attack our capturers and liberate everyone. The signal will be when Pridak begins his assault, I made sure to tip off Pridak, making him believe that his suspicions are not truthful. So he will fight his brother, our newest brother, Takadox.”
“What about the rest?” Krika responded.
“Don’t worry about them, Miserix knows the final stages to my plan. He will join us when we begin to take back the island. You, rahi, I want you to prepare to attack Kalmah’s army from behind.” What? Weren't the Makuta trying to overthrow Miserix? And now they are allied with him?
Icarax had been flying in circles since he arrived at the battle, the armies below wouldn’t stop chasing him until they got tired or nauseous of going in circles. When he finally made his descent he made sure it was a half mile away from the two Makuta. He was shot down over the air while making the descent, and he landed in an area of the battlefield that Mantax had control of.
“Run, Makuta or die.”
Icarax got to his feet, “Well I guess this info couldn't help my brothers, but it’s important to know, our backup plan had not been properly repaired, these Matoran come from Karzahni, reprogrammed to take orders from any Makuta. I’ll be willing to offer you my services if you take out Takadox for me.”
“Why Takadox? Is Pridak right about him being a traitor?”
“Takadox plans on taking over Mata Nui himself. We spied on him. But the traitor isn’t a Barraki, it’s a close friend, though.” That should be the entire Universe, not Mata Nui.
“You may go free, but if I see you again, I’ll kill you personally.”
“Thank you.” Icarax ran as fast as he could, running in curves to throw off the Barraki about Teridax’s location. This gave the Makuta the upper hand, for when he reached them he placed a scroll in front of them. A message from Metru Nui, a declaration of war against the Barraki, and a Ta-Metru Matoran was to lead this unexpected charge.
“Rahi, I want you to scatter, and head towards the beach, we need as many Matoran to survive the arrival. These reinforcements can help us once and for all. Krika, I want you to go directly onto the beach and recover the soldiers.”
“What about me?”
“I need you to wait for Miserix’s army to arrive.”
“He’s not going to make it. He informed me that this Matoran is one of most loyal Matoran, I think his name is Jaller.” His name was only Jala on Mata Nui.
“Well we’ll just have to wait until the time is...”
Takadox had begun to withdraw his troops, knowing that Jaller’s army was coming, it was time to speed up the defeat of his former friends. Pridak sent his Rahi to kill any strays, fearing they could be Takadox’s or Makuta’s as a diversion, so he went directly after Takadox.
“How dare you try to stop our plans to rule Mata Nui.”
“I didn’t steal your plan.”
“I didn’t say steal.”
Takadox jabbed his swords into Pridak, “How dare you tell the Makuta of our plans.”
“Mantax, help me.”
Takadox turned around, and punched Pridak, once he pulled Pridak up he ripped the swords out and sliced his mask. The remaining Barraki had problems, Teridax went to recover the Kanohi Kraahkan, and sent Icarax to unleash the hidden droids, they were located in a collapsed cave. They burrowed their way out of where they were placed and began to assault the armies. The rahi, lead by Jaller began to help Teridax in turning the tide of the battle. As the Barraki attempted to retreat, it was nightfall.
“Fear me. For I am nothing. But. The shadows.”
Ehlek, “Makuta you can not defeat us.”
“As long as I wear the mask of shadows, and it’s night time, I now rule all of Mata Nui. Lay down your weapons or die.”
Kalmah, “We will never give in.”
Botar had arrived, “It’s tim all six of you are sentenced to the Pit.”
Takadox got down on his knees begging for forgiveness “I was a spy for the man behind the shadows, I have the documentation to prove it. The Table of Transit is a relic given to me by Miserix if I did my job to bring Pridak to justice.” Teridax then began to talk, “He became infused with Antidermis yesterday to finalize his acceptance into the Brotherhood.”
“My job is to send the Barraki to the Pit, and seeing that he is no longer a warlord, and is now a Rahi maker, I can report to Artakha the plan was successful. Now give me that mask, Artakha wants to finish working on it, before he starts his new project.”
“As you wish.” Teridax arrived behind Botar, took off his mask and gave it to him, “Now give me Takadox in return for the mask.”
Okay, so those are my revisions for your story. It seems pretty interesting.