4 replies to this topic

[Kranan: Rider of Rohan]

So here's the review topic for The Alternate Metru. So tell me what you think!

[Takua Dragonstar7]

Not a bad start, but I suggest spacing the text into paragraphs more often, like before and after someone talks.

[Kranan: Rider of Rohan]

Thanks for the tip. LOL I spent the entire night reading BS01.

Edited by Toa Kranan : TOUAB, Mar 16 2013 - 09:55 PM.

[CeeCee]

Hmmmm.

 

So without repeating Takua, or myself on Skype Im going to give you some tips.

 

For starters, your context of what you write is actually pretty good. If you use what I taught you, by the time your my age you could be something special. One think that urks me about this is we get no insight to the characters thougts. Talk about what he thinks about being captures, and what he thinks about seeing Nidihhki. Also a good tip would be to, instead of saying:

 

"Nidihki looked quilty"

 

you could put something like:

 

"Nidihki flinched with what appeared to be a glimpse of guilt for what he had done to his former friend. The pain behind his eyes was masked, yet undoubtedly evident"

 

Notice how I am describing his body language instead of just saying one word and also writing from almost the eyes of Kranan. I know this is third person but in order to know who our character is we need to experience everything from his eyes. A good tip also is to describe the scene with as much detail as you can. Helps us feel more involved.

 

All in all thats all I can say. BUT PLEASE start a new line every time some one new speaks. Its awfully confusing for us readers.

 

Good job though man!

[Clue: The Traitor]

You should really add more content every time you make a paragraph.