133 replies to this topic

[Phovos the Raptor]

Morning, mates! I saw that y'house was on fire, so I put it out for ya!

 

Oh, er, thanks...

 

Wow... We only went to the shops... And now it's like the end of the world...

 

Oh dear! What's wrong wit'your buddy?

 

Long story. Gahlok, feel free to tell Veekay everything. The rest of us will work on Tahnok...

 

Bloody heck...

 

Yeah... It's a long story...

 

Is Tahnok going to be okay?

 

Hopefully...

 

As long as we keep his Krana nearby, he should be fine, but if he spends too long Krana-less, he'll start losing memories and things like that. Any longer than a week and he'll end up being a completely different Bohrok.

 

He could turn into a Nuhvok?

 

No, don't be silly, but after three days, his personality would start changing on top of the memory loss and after a week, his memories, his current personality, his likes and dislikes, they'd all be gone!

 

Can't we just put his Krana back in and kill those two 'good and evil' Tahnoks before they realise what happened?

 

I don't think we can risk that, Nuhvok... We might end up killing Tahnok anyway... Doesn't he have any spare Krana?

 

The problem's with the body, not the Krana. The Krana just powers us. Personality data is stored in the body, just behind the eyes...

 

So we could open Tahnok up and edit that data and just delete those two alternate personalities?

 

Kohrak can't do that! We need some sort of expert! We need... We need our parents...

 

We can't ask them. They hate us more than the Toa do! Heck, they hate us more than they hate mass suicide...

 

We can make it up to them...

 

I don't think we can... But we ought to try... For Tahnok's sake...

 

I'll call them.

 

Good luck...

 

It won't wor...

 

Sh! It's ringing!

 

Hello?

 

Hello, mother, it's your loving child, Pahrak... 

 

What do you want, you scum?

 

Erm... Well...

 

Spit it out.

 

Tahnok's ill. He has this multiple personality problem. But we can't fix it. We need your help.

 

He can die in a ditch for all I care.

 

Please, mother, we love you and we love Tahnok very much and we don't want to lose him... Please...

 

... Fine. But there's some things I need you to do first. I'll send you a list...

 

Yes, of course! Thank you!

 

Now go away...

 

What did she say? She said yes?

 

Yes! But they want us to do some things first!

 

I just got a message...

 

Oh, me too.

 

Same here...

 

Oh dear... One for each of us. 

 

Guys, I just got a message from mum and mum!  They told me that I "need to confront my fear of Visorak or they won't help Tahnok..."

 

I have to go back to Skyrim...

 

I have to go and see the Rahkshi and apologise on behalf of Tahnok, and I have to cook them all a meal... I don't even know where they live now!

 

Oh no, I have to break up with Macku... She's going to kill me.

 

Bloody Bahrag...

 

What?

 

We're going to have to move out... 

 

What do you mean?

 

I have to destroy this house. They won't help Tahnok unless I destroy this house and we move elsewhere...

 

Oh no...

Edited by Phovos the Raptor, May 03 2013 - 02:58 AM.

[Phovos the Raptor]

You haven't gone and spoken to Maku yet?

 

Not yet... Building up the courage... And I'm helping Gahlok by collecting spiders for him. I can't believe the Bahrag are making us do this.

 

I know, I know... I don't want to have to break this house... Tear it apart... Break everything...

 

Where IS Tahnok, by the way?

 

The Bahrag teleported him into their lair so they can operate on him.

 

Have the others headed off yet?

 

Yeah. Pahrak's gone to see the Rahkshi, Nuhvok is doing goodness knows what in Skyrim. He didn't really like the idea of what he had to do. He's been rather secretive about it too.

 

Ah... So what about all our stuff?

 

I've rented a container to put everything in while we find a new place, but we're going to be homeless for a bit. Luckily, once most of my weaponry is destroyed, we don't actually have a lot of stuff. Just beds and furniture and bits and pieces. Luckily, the Bahrag have allowed me to keep my portal gun... The other stuff though...

 

They're making you destroy your weapons?

 

Yeah... Anything potentially lethal. I only get to keep the Portal Gun, my Medi Gun, the teleporters and my gravity gun. I buried my Ubersaw in Veekay's garden so I wouldn't have to destroy it. It's just... So many memories... 

 

I know... It's such a shame... Eh... I really ought to go and speak to Macku now. Are you holding back?

 

I'm holding back a bit. Waiting until everyone else is done so they can pick up anything they want. Pahrak grabbed the microwave and mini-oven and some of Tahnok's blankets and pillows. And that mini Rahkshi staff that Turahk made for him. I'm surprised that Tahnok still keeps it.

 

What about the rest of Tahnok's stuff?

 

I have to leave most of it. Bahrag's orders. Gave me a list of things I had to destroy.

 

That sucks... Oh well... I'm gonna go speak to Macku...

 

Good luck. You can come help me destroy things later if you want.

 

Cool.

 

See ya.

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

Lehvak? Are you okay?

 

Yeah, not really... Macku, I have some... News...

 

Don't tell me you're turning into a Bahrag...

 

What? No, I can't do that anyway. At least, I don't think I can. No... This is arguably worse...

 

Oh great.

 

I gotta explain it first though. It's all the Rahkshi's fault, by the way. Bloody sons of a Makuta.

 

That's what they are.

 

I was going to say something other than 'Makuta' but, you know...

 

Oh. So what is it?

 

I have to break up with you.

 

WHAT? You haven't found some other adventurous Ga-Matoran, have you?

 

No! not at all! You're like, the best Matoran ever ever ever... It's just...

 

What.

 

My brother is ill... Normally we can fix these things but this time, we just can't. And the Bahrag... They refuse to help unless we all do these chores for them.

 

They made you break up with me? That's the worst excuse I have ever heard!

 

I swear! I'm not lying! And if I wanted you gone, I'd just arrange it so you ended up back with Hewkii, all the while singing that Want You Gone Portal song.

 

Oh...

 

Yeah...

 

That sucks.

 

I feel that there is a but coming along here...

 

But I have an idea... Call me when your brother is all better, okay?

 

Sure...

 

Give my regards to your brothers!

 

Thank you, stay safe, Macku!

Edited by Phovos the Raptor, May 07 2013 - 02:51 AM.

[ZHX]

This is my screening for re-enlistment into the CCC. So iBrow decided to throw your request at me. Standard procedure, ya know?

 

Kills two birds with stone and all that jazz too.

 

Anyway, let's get this started.

 

SPELLING AND GRAMMAR

 

No! Instead, I'm going to make a hole in Space Time!

Space-time usually isn't capitalised.

 

Oh... Sparkly.

Assuming that is is supposed to be an expression of awe, which would be more 'Ooh'. Pedantic, I know, but it helps people more than just a simple 'Oh'. Also, I usually don't capitalise words after ellipses, although it's a matter of personal choice.

 

Don't call for him like that. He's not a dog. And he'll read this later and correct us, saying that it is indeed Space-Time with a hyphen.

You can also spell it as spacetime or space time. Doesn't really matter. Just remember to be consistent.

 

And what's your name?

Usually sentences aren't supposed to start with 'and'.

 

This is the Throat of the World. The highest place in all of Skyrim.

Maybe, "This is the Throat of the World; the highest place in all of Skyrim."?

 

Leave him out of this. I do not wish for him to kill every Dov there is.

The "there is" is unnecessary, and serves only to make the sentence sound less fluid.

 

It means 'Thank you' in German.

I don't think 'thank' should be capitalised.

 

Well then, that's pretty much the only errors I could find. A few read-overs should be fine if you want error-free writing.

 

Rating: 95%.

 

PLOT

 

Because I haven't really read your story much, I'll just rate this arc, which ... is pretty bland really. Lehvak and Gahlok are sucked into the world of Skyrim, probably around the late-game or so, meet up with a dragon, reunite with Nuhvok, your PC randomly appears and a evil dragon is easily take down before the Kal head back to their world. Bam, no real conflict or actual development. Nothing is really fleshed out at all, and it just feels pretty filler-ish.

 

Narratives usually work better if there is a bit more tension; this arc was resolved far too quickly for enough tension to be generated.

 

Fleshing out your plots will be a good improvement for your stories. Develop the characters a bit, look into their interactions more ... that kind of stuff.

 

Rating: 65%

 

HUMOUR

 

The attempts at jokes in these four chapters fall a bit flat, especially the attempt at explaining a monologue, which felt forced and bland. A comedy like yours, which consists of nothing else but dialogue, requires a lot of focus on making good jokes and the way your characters interact with each other. Usual prose comedies allow you to derive humour from the characters' actions, which is pretty much impossible in yours.

 

Constant nonsensical banter between the characters might seem funny in the real world, but usually there is the inclusion of facial expressions, tone of voice, et cetera. There is no description on what type of tone your characters are speaking in, adding to the blandness of your attempts at humour. Describing the setting and the situation your characters are in will definitely give you greater creative freedom and allow you to generate more humour.

 

If you wish to stay with the semi-script format that is currently being used, you'll need to kick the quality of your jokes up a notch.

 

I do recommend that you add more description at least, in a more ... Aftermath-esque form, if you will.

 

Rating: 62%

 

Overall:

 

Your plot and humour are in need of definite improvement, as stated above. Plot should be easy enough to fix up: all you really need to do is develop your characters more and add some more tension. Humour on the other hand needs more work, but hopefully if you are capable of thinking up more creative and better jokes, or even changing the format of your comedy, you'll be fine. I do recommend reading other comedies to get a good idea though.

 

In all, your comedy can be better, you just need to work hard and learn from other stories, and you'll be fine.

 

Average Rating: (95+65+62)/3 = 74%

[Phovos the Raptor]

Yay! Another rubbish review!

 

Eh, what can I expect. It's only me who reads this anyway. I suppose, it doesn't help that I picked a rather silly arc, maybe I should have given you the lemonade battle instead.

 

It kinda sucks that you're telling me to change the format of my comedy, a format I have been using for 5 years now. You say 'Make it more like Aftermath'. That makes me feel very inferior.

 

And man, you are all so nit-picky on grammar! What is it with you all and minute mistakes.

 

Quick question: how do I give a Bohrok facial expressions?

 

Also, apologies, I don't really take criticism well when I'm jarate'd off.

Edited by Phovos the Raptor, May 08 2013 - 01:08 AM.

[ZHX]

Uh, let me clear up a few things.

 

When I meant "Aftermath-esque", I meant that you could add little descriptions of what the characters are doing, like this mini-excerpt that I shall handily provide.

 

(Sorry MT for stealing this line. Will make it up to you via indexing.)

 

Ghirardelli: (reappears on top of the burning TV) …oogh…my head…

Tada! As we can see, Ghirardelli has reappeared on top of a burning TV! Doing little things like this give you more creative freedom, ya know? You don't need to change the format of your story completely either. I'm not asking you to switch to prose or anything, but maybe adding a few brackets to describe what your characters are doing will be helpful.

 

Besides, this and Aftermath aren't that different, mechanics-wise. Both of them are long-running script comedies.

 

And man, you are all so nit-picky on grammar! What is it with you all and minute mistakes?

I know this doesn't really help my case, replacing the full stop with a question mark and all that, but even tiny grammar mistakes are important to take note of. By pointing them out to you, you'll be able to fix them, and when writing later works, the chances of you making little grammar mistakes will decrease.

 

Besides, your grammar is really good. I can't do my job if you have nothing for me to criticise, so all I can point out are the minor mistakes.

 

Quick question: how do I give a Bohrok facial expressions?

That was just a hypothetical suggestion. If non-Bohrok were used, then facial expressions would really enhance the story. Although here I suppose you can work with the tone of voice the Kal are using.

 

Hopefully that helps.

[Phovos the Raptor]

"No, Phovos! What are you doing? You can't do that!" Lehvak-Kal shouted from outside. "You can't do that at all! This is TRADITION!"

 

The Raptor ignored him and continued plinky-planking on her keyboard. She had that angry, hungry, chocolate-craving look on her face.

 

Lehvak groaned and bashed on the front door. "Phovos! You've been writing the Bohrok-Kal's Ramblings for like five years now! You can't just suddenly change the format! All he suggested was to add in a few brackets! Nothing major!"

 

Still no response. With yet another groan, Lehvak bashed down the door and stormed in, up the stairs, straight into Phovos's bedroom. "Are you even listening?"

 

Phovos glared at the Bohrok.

 

"I'll take that as a no..." Lehvak sighed. "But seriously, don't go all rage-change on us! You still have the rest of this Tahnok-Being-Ill story line to write! Don't tell me that you're seriously going to switch to prose in the middle of a story arc?"

 

With a grunt, Phovos went back to typing. Phovos's eyes and lack of a response were really starting to annoy Lehvak. But he clearly wasn't getting anywhere. "Fine. Be like that. See if we care. As long as we keep our coloured text, do as you please."

 

Lehvak sighed and left the house, walking down the street on his lonesome. After a while, he realised that he was a. talking to himself again and b. he'd walked straight past the Bohrok-Kal's house. Or what was left of it. Kohrak had already started tearing down the building, as he'd been ordered to do by the Bahrag.

 

"What's going on, Lehvak? Why are we all suddenly using prose?" Kohrak asked.

 

"Phovos's raging again. You know what she's like. Sometimes it works out though..."

 

Kohrak sniffed. "I'm gonna miss having a new chapter almost every day..."

 

"Depends on Phovos's work load."

 

"Of course." Kohrak went back to work, disintegrating the kitchen sink. "You wanna help? Also, have you seen Gahlok?"

 

"Gahlok? Yeah. He's heading back now. Last time I saw him, he was actually riding on a Visorak. Gahlok. On a Visorak. And Phovos writing in prose. And Tahnok-Kal possibly dying. You've got to wonder what's going on around here..."

 

"Ah, yeah... At least Gahlok's mission was simple. Still haven't heard anything from Nuhvok. Pahrak send me a message earlier telling me how much he now hated Rahkshi. Apparently there's a dead, rotten Rahi in the back of their cave, stinking the place out. And they don't seem to have an oven or anything, so he's got to make a BBQ or something." Kohrak started breaking up a load of plates and glasses. "Dunno why the Bahrag wanted me to break the kitchen. What do they have against kitchens?"

 

"Kohrak, they're big, fat, scary monsters. Why do they do anything?"

 

"I hope they didn't hear you calling them fat."

 

"They deserve it, looking at the way they treat us."

 

"Well... Oh, hiya, Gahlok! We were just talking about you!"

 

Gahlok skidded to a halt, puffing and panting. "Hi... Hi guys..."

 

"You alright?" Lehvak asked.

 

"Yeah... Did the Bahrag say I had to not be afraid of all spidery things?" Gahlok was still panting.

 

"Erm, I don't think so..." Kohrak replied. "That's kinda impossible. Especially when it's basic instinct to be scared, plus, there are some absolutely huge spidery things out there..."

 

"Ooooh good. I was afraid I'd have to face my fears and be friends with that horrific, Matoran-killing Spiderbeast up in the mountains."

 

"You... You went all the way up there?" Kohrak stuttered.

 

"Yes... Wish I hadn't. I think I lost it about half way down the mountain, but I was too scared to turn around and look until I saw you guys..."

 

"Huh..."

 

"Gahlok, that's pretty darn brave and/or stupid of you..."

 

"Thank you, Lehvak."

 

Gahlok sighed and wandered inside, not noticing that half the house was missing. Lehvak and Kohrak waited a moment, wondering of Gahlok would notice his bedroom was missing. About five minutes later, he did notice.

 

"Why is the house missing?"

 

"Bahrag's orders. I have to destroy the place."

 

"That sucks. Where are we gonna live?"

 

"I don't know yet."

 

"Erm, Kohrak?" Lehvak butted in. "Why didn't you arrange that earlier?"

 

"I only have a week. Destroying a house on your own takes forever. I got all the important stuff sorted out, apart from a place to live..."

 

"And what about the prose?"

 

"Oh, don't get us started about that again. Phovos is very angry today. Just go with the flow."

 

"Fine... Although, I am sure Veekay will let us stay for a bit..."

 

"Veekay's gone back home. He said he had to go because they were having Ksa elections and he was thinking about becoming the nominee for the K-Class Ksa. Or something like that. But he did give me a key..."

 

"Neat. Well... I guess that is sorted then... What now?"

 

Kohrak sighed. "I don't know. We'll just have to wait for Pahrak and Nuhvok to come back..."

[ZHX]

I didn't expect this reaction.

 

Although the story does look better, but that might be my bias for prose showing.

[rahkshi guurahk]

Phovos

Eh, what can I expect. It's only me who reads this anyway

Lies!

And I really don't care about the style of writing, to add my input.

[Phovos the Raptor]

Nuhvok grunted as he climbed up the mountain. He could have flown or teleported up there, but that red dragon would attack him. He wasn't scared of the dragon, he just didn't want to kill it. Not that it mattered much, as the first thing he saw once he reached the peak was the sight of two dragons arguing. He knew though (purely from watching Kohrak playing The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim) that most dragons argued by trying to kill one another with fire breath and stuff. That didn't make much sense to Nuhvok.

 

"We are going to leave Muz alone. All they do is kill us."

 

"Only because you don't let us attack them! Men, mer, beast, whatever, they still kill us because that's what they do best! I don't fancy being permanently killed by one of their Dovahkiin, or worse, by a bloody giant or a unit of Imperials!"

 

"When I die, you can take over and do as you please! Until then, Odahviing, you are under MY command."

 

"But we're technically immortal, Paarthurnax! That will never happen!" Odahviing, which Nuhvok just learned was the name of the red dragon, shouted, making little things flicker in the air somehow. Silly dragon language.

 

Nuhvok coughed to grab their attention. "Hello, dragons!"

 

"Hello, Daedra..." Paarthurnax rolled his eyes. "What do you want? Here to tear space-time apart again? Here to kill the other Dovahkiin?"

 

"Erm, no, not at all. I have a proposal for you..."

 

Before Nuhvok could finish, Paarthurnax shifted and climbed back onto his word wall. "Not interested. Speak to Odahviing."

 

Odahviing growled.

 

"Actually, this might be good for you, matey!" Nuhvok 'smiled' again. "You want to kill things?"

 

The red dragon's eyes suddenly sparkled. "Yes, yes I do."

 

"Well, if you accept my proposal, you'll be free to wreck havoc in a new world. The only problem is that Toa are quite a bit stronger than humans, but they don't have all those mystical powers and armies and things that humans have."

 

Odahviing's eyes continued to sparkle. But Paarthurnax, who was suddenly interested in the conversation again, was less amused.

 

"And why are you proposing this to us, Daedra?"

 

"I'm not a Daedra. Or a demon. I'm a Bohrok. Not related at all."

 

"You didn't answer my question."

 

"I was getting to that bit, moron. Anyway, my parents, the Bahrag, they are bored. They want to cause some carnage, but they're so fat, they can't move. They'd get us to do it but they hate us and we like being good guys. And because they're lazy, they're making me arrange something for them..."

 

"And you can't simply refuse them?" Odahviing asked.

 

Nuhvok sighed. "Wish I could... But my brother's life is on the line here. If we don't get our little missions done in a week, Tahnok's personality gets deleted... And don't you readers say that it's already been a week, story time flows differently to normal time!"

 

"Well..." Paarthurnax started, then stopped again. "Hm... Well, we do owe you... That Miraak was killing a large number of us..."

 

"You'll do it?" Nuhvok exclaimed.

 

"Not me. Odahviing will."

 

"I will?"

 

"It's what you wanted, right?"

 

"Yes, but..."

 

"But what?"

 

"Nothing."

 

"Are we all agreed then?" Nuhvok butted in.

 

"Yes."

 

"Yes."

 

That strange Bohrok version of a smile reappeared on Nuhvok's face. "Cool. I'll create the portal here, so you guys can keep an eye on it."

 

"Thank you, Nuhvok!" Odahviing grinned, teeth sticking out everywhere.

 

"Thank... Wait, how did you know my name?"

 

"Paarthurnax ranted on for about a day, telling me how much of a moron you sounded like..."

 

Nuhvok growled, then relaxed. He just wanted to get back now, the snow was making his Krana cold and frigid. Chocolate in the fridge would be a good metaphor. "I'll see you guys later!"

[rahkshi guurahk]

.. I'm liking Nuvohk's plan.

[Phovos the Raptor]

"Oh, you're finally back, Pahrak!" Nuhvok tapped his foot angrily. "I went to a parallel universe and got my job done way before you did, and all you had to do was cook a meal for a bunch of snakes..."

 

"I'm sorry, but time flows differently in The Rahkshi's Ramblings... I thought I was only gone a day..." Pahrak sighed.

 

"Enough, you two!" Kohrak interrupted. "Bahrag, we've done what you wanted. Now fix Tahnok!"

 

The Bahrag stared at Kohrak for a moment, before laughing heartily. They laughed for what seemed like ages before actually saying anything of any use to the current conversation.

 

"We've already fixed him."

 

The five Bohrok blinked.

 

"You have?"

 

"Then why did you send us on all those silly missions?"

 

"You MADE ME DESTROY OUR OWN HOME FOR MATA NUI'S SAKE!" Kohrak was shaking with anger. For a Bohrok, that's quite a feat.

 

Once again, the Bahrag laughed, taking forever to stop and explain themselves.

 

"Can you stop laughing, please? You're making this entire conversation incredibly awkward..." Nuhvok sighed.

 

"Sorry, kids..." Cahdok wiped a tear from her eye. "But what we've done is hilarious... At least to us..."

 

Gahdok grinned evilly. "Shall I tell them or do you want the pleasure?"

 

"You do it, sister!"

 

"Well, we just let Tahnok's personality be erased. And then we dumped him in the main universe where your buddy Veekay is from, along with a random Turahk to annoy the heck out of him when he finally wakes up!"

 

"That's not the best bit though!"

 

"Oh no, you're all our slaves again! Did any of you read the invisible fine print?"

 

"What fine print?" Kohrak asked.

 

"The invisible stuff written in binary at the end of your mission statements!"

 

"WHAT?" Gahlok exclaimed. "Tahnok's the only one who can read binary! And you put the message in white text so we couldn't see it!"

 

"Yep. You're our slaves again and there is nothing you can do about it." The Bahrag started laughing again, going on for a whole two minutes before slowly stopping.

 

"What does this mean for us?" Lehvak asked. "Are we going to be complete and utter mindless slaves or will we still have free will?"

 

"You'll have free will. But we're going to make your lives a misery. Because you are all morons who failed us and you deserve it."

 

"Of course we failed! Because you made a mistake and listened to that Makuta who woke you up early!" Kohrak growled. "If you hadn't woken up early, you would have completed your duty and we would have remained asleep!"

 

The Bahrag both paused, trying to think of a counter argument. But nothing sprung to mind.

 

"Okay, shut up now, Kohrak..." Gahdok sighed. She clicked her claw, and Kohrak suddenly shut down, collapsing on the floor.

 

"Hey! Wake Kohrak up!" Nuhvok demanded.

 

"You want to end up like Kohrak?" Gahdok asked.

 

"No..."

 

"Then shut up then."

 

"Aw..."

 

Cahdok started grinning again. "Hey, sister, I have an idea..."

 

"What is it, sister?"

 

"Let's wake up the Swarms and rain havoc down on everyone..."

 

"GREAT IDEA!"

[Phovos the Raptor]

"Erm... Where am I?" Tahnok-Kal blinked repeatedly. There was a nice, smoldering crater around him, with sparks of electricity flying around. Everything was dark, but there were things that seemed to glow in the shadows and stuff. Also, he could hear someone coming.

 

"Whoever that is, if your name is Teekay, I am going to cut out your throat and turn your lungs into a set of bagpipes... So you'd better not be Teekay!" The voice was harsh, with a thick British and it was coming from the being now peering into the crater. "Oh, you're not Teekay at all... Wait..."

 

Tahnok was about to introduce himself when the creature did it for him. "You're that Tahnok guy, right? One of those crazy friends my brother has?"

 

"Your brother..? Veekay?"

 

"Darn. You're a Bohrok. Crazy little gits, aren't you?"

 

"Not really. You're Veekay's brother? You're a Threavok?"

 

"The name's Arkay. Nice to meet you."

 

"Tahnok-Kal. Nice to meet you too."

 

A different voice entirely interrupted them. "Arkay, do you know what this red Kshan wannabe is?"

 

Both Tahnok-Kal and Arkay looked around. At the top of the crater was some huge, 3m tall monster, holding a Turahk by the neck.

 

"That's not a Kshan, whatever that is, that's a Rahkshi..." Tahnok sighed. "The wrong Rahkshi..."

 

"Oh, hello!" the monster smiled.

 

"He's a Bohrok, before you get angry..." Arkay pointed out. "So you can put your Staff of Deitic Banishment away."

 

The other creature didn't move. "Are you sure?"

 

"He only has two eyes, for Threa's sake."

 

"Kronospasts can shapeshift."

 

"If he was a Kronospast, don't you think he would have run away by now?"

 

"Good point..."

 

"Can I talk now?"

 

"No."

 

"Ignore Tenuk. He's just grumpy."

 

"I'm grumpy because you and I are stuck here in the Spasm and Retvik and Elksia are probably living a life of luxury."

 

"You seriously think they're having a good time? They're probably stuck in the Ordera or something..."

 

Tenuk growled then wandered off, dropping the Turahk on the floor as he did so. The Turahk scurried along the ground and wrapped himself around Tahnok, much to his embarrassment.

 

"Gah, he's gonna be like that for ages now..." Arkay sighed. "So... Want to come with us?"

 

Tahnok nodded his head. "Yes, that would be nice..."

 

"I'll come too..." the Turahk smiled. "Please?"

 

"Only if Tahnok-Kal says you can..."

 

"Fine..."

 

"YAY!"

 

[MT Zehvor]

Sorry I haven't shown up in a while. It's been...way too freaking long. :/

 

Looks like there's a legitimate story going. I like it. Nuhvok's a bit craftier than I gave him credit for, too.

 

Although Teekay is weird...still.

 

KUTGW.

 

-MT

[Phovos the Raptor]

Nuhvok growled as he neatly teleported himself into the middle of the town square. He really didn't want to do this, but orders were orders. Stupid Bahrag, making him do things. Stupid everything. And stupid Tahnok for being ill. Stupid, stupid Tahnok! Should have just let his personality be erased. What was the worst that could happen? Oh yeah, this.

 

"Hey, Matoran! I just thought I'd give you a ten minute warning before I start destroying things. I'm pretty sorry about this. I mean, I like destroying stuff, but on my own terms. The bloody Bahrag are making me be evil for a bit. So I apologise in advance. Okay? Good..." 

 

With the apology out of the way, Nuhvok sat on top of the fountain in the town square. He was quite sure that no one had paid any attention. Their loss. He did warn them. Maybe, after he'd eaten that sandwich he'd just lifted off the table from a nearby restaurant, he'd make another warning.

 

Or not, as there seemed to be a large blaze heading his way. No, not one of those freaky creatures from Minecraft, just ye olde average fire, tearing down a nearby street.

 

"PAHRAK!" Nuhvok shouted, knowing exactly who was behind the fire. "We're not supposed to start for another eight minutes! Bahrag's orders!"

 

There was no reply. So Nuhvok shouted again. That fire was actually getting pretty close now.

 

"Pahrak?"

 

Nope, no reply. Oh well. Nuhvok was bored waiting for those last eight minutes to pass. He decided to investigate. Turns out, it wasn't Pahrak at all, but a dragon. The dragon landed on top of the restaurant where Nuhvok had stolen that (admittedly rather dry) sandwich.

 

"What do you want?"

 

Nuhvok sighed. "Did you not get my message?"

 

"What message?"

 

"The one in which the Bahrag stated that a dragon can only come out of a portal when they have been ordered to."

 

"Oh. That one. Sorry, Nuhvok-Kal."

 

"No worries. Now get back home before I tell on you."

 

"Tattle-tail."

 

"Ugly fat dragon."

 

"Gah..."

 

With the dragon gone, Nuhvok decided to put out the fire. Otherwise it would have destroyed everything before he'd even gotten started. Compulsory destruction was bad enough, compulsory destruction with nothing to destroy is far worse.

 

With the fire put out and the dragon gone and Phovos using stupid run-on sentences, Nuhvok wandered what else he could do. After a few moments of thought, he grabbed his mobile phone and turned on the 3G internet connection that Tahnok had got for him. Maybe he'd browse through that Bohrok-Kal's Ramblings thread or something. He paused for a bit, re-reading the last comment, trying to work out who Teekay was. It seems that only this Arkay guy knew who he was. Hopefully this Teekay would come along and kill the Bahrag or something. Or at least annoy Tahnok for a bit.

 

The alarm went off on his phone. Nuhvok sighed. It was time to destroy things. But there was a Matoran in the way.

 

"Erm, hi..."

 

"Hello, Nuhvok."

 

It was Macku. If Nuhvok had rolled his eyes any harder, he'd be staring at his own Krana. "What do you want?"

 

"Oh, nothing!"

 

"Don't lie."

 

"I just wanted to... HIYAAAAAH!" Macku suddenly bashed Nuhvok on the head with her Kohlii stick.

 

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" Nuhvok shouted, throwing Macku to one side.

 

"Nothing..."

 

Nuhvok was about to grab Macku and throw her into space when something occurred to him. "Huh... You know what, that could work!"

 

And just like that, Nuhvok disappeared.

 

"Phew, that was close..." Macku sighed.