consonant

Oh man, I remember this! May I just say, if you ever deign to read this, you've been a huge inspiration. I hope you don't run into a Tahtorak or anything.

No, sorry. I wrote this a while back and I just thought I'd post it. But thanks for validating my existence!

Somewhere. . . A room of middling-size, banners everywhere. It is an auditorium, with rows of Matoran-sized chairs and a stage in the front. The banners read “DOES YOUR TOA TEAM REFUSE TO OBEY YOUR ORDERS? DOES YOUR BOHROK SWARM DO AS THEY PLEASE, NOT LISTENING TO YOU AT ALL? DO THE MEMBERS OF YOUR ORGANIZATION REBEL AGAINST YOU EVERY TIME YOU LOOK THE OTHER WAY? LEADERSHIP SKILLS SEMINAR NEVER FEAR! THIS SEMINAR WILL TEACH YOU TO KEEP YOUR SUB-ORDINATES IN LINE AND MAKE YOU A BETTER LEADER!" (In the front row, a few Toa of Fire sit, grumbling, among them Lhikan, Vakama, Tahu, and Tahu Nuva. Zaktan and Sidorak are seen a few rows back, likewise grumbling. To the right the Shadowed One slouches irritably.) (At the back corner, in the shadows, under a lightstone that doesn’t work, Makuta Teridax is squeezed uncomfortably into a chair, and is, like the rest, grumbling quietly and waiting for the seminar to begin.) Tahu: My Toa Team doesn’t listen to me at all. No respect. Kopaka just crosses his arms and turns away when I’m talking, Pohatu’s a fool, and don’t even get me started on Lewa! Vakama: We all empathize. My team, they absolutely refuse to acknowledge me as their leader. It’s so frustrating! Onewa’s a blockhead, Matau’s always clowning around, Nuju glares at me, Whenua’s. . .well, he’s just dusty. And Nokama just laughs at me. Calls me a. . .a. . .cross-wired freak with weird dreams! Lhikan: Yeah, same problem here. (sighs) Whenever I tell my team to do something, like “That Dark Hunter’s getting away! Stop him!” they don’t respond at all. Lazy slackers. . .in fact, they hardly move about at all, they just. . .lie there! Vakama: Uh. . .Lhikan, your team’s dead. Lhikan: Oh. Well, that explains it. Vakama: And, uh, aren’t you dead too? Lhikan: That. . .can’t be good. Tahu (To Tahu Nuva) : And how are you here anyway? With me being here and all? Tahu Nuva: (Shrugs) Sidorak(mumbling) : What am I supposed to do? My Visorak don’t listen to me, my fiancée looks down on me, and even my throne laughs mockingly at me! (Nervously)I really hope this will make me a better leader. The Shadowed One (Ranting to himself) : Rebellions here! Rebellions there! Isn’t it enough just to peacefully be leader of a massive criminal organization without revolts and revolutions every single day? Don’t they have any loyalty? I mean, first it was Zaktan, and then it was Vanisher. . .AARGH! Teridax (grumbling) : I could have come here as Turaga Dume. I could have come as Antidermis. Or Maxilos. Or even my normal armor! But NOOOOO, I just had to come as Ultimate Dume, complete with wings and claws and a three-set-combiner-body, Krekka and Nidhiki included, five times the size of a Toa! And here I am. In a Matoran sized plastic chair. And not just any Matoran. A Mata Nui Matoran sized chair. Oh yes. Post-Great Cataclysm, pre-rebuilding, body-the-size-of-a-kohlii-ball Mata Nui Matoran. The Shadowed One (Under his breath) : Well, at least you didn’t come as the Mata Nui Robot. Teridax: What was that, insignificant insect? The Shadowed One: Nothing. Zaktan: They think I’m just a foul green load of gas, do they? I’ll show them. Once I come back from this seminar, I’ll have legendary leadership qualities and we’ll see if Avak or any of those other back-stabbing, insolent Piraka will dare to oppose me! (Laughs evilly) (Suddenly the chatter dies down as the lights dim. A proud figure stalks out onto the stage, radiating confidence and leadership. It is none other than the leader of the Order of Mata Nui herself, Helryx.) Helryx: Hello there, pathetic excuses for leaders. And don’t bother denying it because if you weren’t a lousy leader, you wouldn’t be here in this room. Tahu: But. . .you’re here. . . (Tahu screams as a jet of water blasts him out of his chair. The water carries him away and out of the room, upon which the doors slam shut.) Tahu Nuva: Well, that cleans up the paradox. Helryx: As I was saying, the reason why any of you losers are here is because your organisation/ Toa team/ band of rogues e.t.c won’t listen to you. They don’t respect your position as leader. So, I’m going to remedy that. I’ll impart some of my experience and knowledge to you and make you a better leader. Sound good? All: Yeah! Lhikan: But what’s in it for you? Helryx (smiles evilly) : Well, this seminar don’t come free. It’s gonna cost you eleven thousand widgets. Lhikan: But the banner outside said – Helryx: Hey. Are you going to believe a stupid banner instead of a fellow Toa? Lhikan: (Hesitates) (Lhikan screams as a jet of water blasts him out of his chair. The water carries him away and out of the room, or at least it would have if the doors were open. Instead he hits his head on the protosteel door and is knocked dead(as he should be)). Tahu Nuva: Well, that cleans up the other paradox. Helryx: Anyway! Let’s get this show on the road. Now take me, for instance. I’m the leader of a highly disciplined and loyal Order. Those under my command obey my order without hesitation, and never complain, let alone revolt. The Order has an excellent record of no rogue members. . . Brutaka:. . . . Helryx. . .and you know why? Because I’m a leader. And you can be one too, with my special Four Habits/Leadership Skills of Highly Effective Leaders Because If They Don’t Have Them They’re Not Real Leaders. All: Oooh. . . Sidorak(Scribbling notes hastily on a tablet) : Wait, Highly Effective. . .what? Tahu Nuva:. . .uh, I feel somehow like you’re missing three. . . Helryx: Are you ready? Rule Number One is. . .GOOD LEADERS WEAR RED ARMOR. Fire Toa and Sidorak: YES!!! Zaktan, The Shadowed One and Teridax: (Mutter words that would get them thrown out of a Ga-Metru school) Helryx: Come on now, it’s obvious. The red Bionicles are always the leaders, all the rest are just sidekicks. Oh, and they sell a Karzharni of a lot better, too. There’s no denying it, red is the colour to wear. Tahu Nuva: (glancing at Vakama) Now would that be Mata Red or Metru Red? Helryx: Doesn’t matter. Tahu Nuva: But which one is better? Helryx:. . .Metru Red, I suppose. Vakama: Ha! Tahu Nuva:. . . .crazy old man. Vakama(his voice suddenly becomes Turaga Vakama’s): Young whippersnapper! Zaktan: I have, uh, red eyes! The Shadowed One: So do I. Teridax (Raises his hand): Um, great leader Helryx, do I have red armor? Y’see, my set has pretty much no red at all, but in the movie my armor was sort of rusty reddish greenish brownish. Does that count? I’m confused. Helryx: Don’t know, don’t care, buddy. The Shadowed One: But. . .you’re not wearing red armor either. Helryx. When you’re a talented and experienced great leader, like I am – I don’t even need to wear Red. All (Impressed): Ooh. Helryx: Well, moving on to Number Two: GOOD LEADERS HAVE BIG WEAPONS. (Tahu and Vakama start frowning at their medium-sized weapons. Sidorak is positively miserable, having forgotten that his sword is extendable.) Zaktan: What I lack in size, I make up for in quantity. I got three of these babies! Teridax: I knew I should have brought my Maxilos’s sword. . .or at least my staff. . .(mutters angrily) The Shadowed One (smugly) : What’s that you’re saying? Teridax: Nothing. Helryx: I mean, who’s going to take you seriously if you’re holding a weapon the size of an axle? On the other hand, get yourself a nice big axe like Axonn or a massive sword like ol’ Brutaka here and people know you mean business. Brutaka:. . .How am I even here? Axonn: (Shrugs) Olmak? Tahu Nuva: I once saw somebody who had a Rockoh for a weapon. Instead of riding it, he swung it around and hit guys on the head with it. Helryx: So what? Is that supposed to impress me? I used the Coliseum like that once. Vakama: . . .So that’s where the dents came from. Helryx: Anyway, Rule Number Three: GOOD LEADERS HAVE CORRECT ORGANIZATION SIZES. All:. . .what? Helryx: This is going to be a bit trickier, so everybody with a brain smaller than an axle, get out. All:. . .brain? Helryx: You know – the translucent pieces which go through your heads and are also your eyes. (There are murmurs of sudden understanding.) The Shadowed One (Feels his head) : You know, I don’t think. . .I don’t think there’s even anything here. Sidorak: Seriously? Mine, too! Helryx: Well then, get out, boys, you don’t have the intelligence to understand this next bit. Sidorak and The Shadowed One(both, protesting) : But we already paid the eleven thousand widgets! As the entrance fee. Helryx: Too bad. OUT! Sidorak: Do we at least get a, uh, refund? Those widgets were originally for my fiancée’s wedding gift – she wanted me to bring her “their bodies”, but I didn’t know what she meant by that, so I chose to come here, instead. . . The Shadowed One: And I used up the ransom money for some weird stone. Split it into pieces, too. You wouldn’t believe how much those Toa tried to pay for the thing. Ah, Toa, suckers the lot of them. Vakama (aside) : . . .do you have any idea how long we spent putting that thing back? Helryx(softly) : I’m a Toa. The Shadowed One: . . .well, uh, I didn’t mean all of them. . .aah! (Sidorak and the Shadowed One scream as a jet of water blasts them out of their chairs. The water carries them away and out of the room, upon which the doors slam shut. It is speculated the doors open automatically. Why they did not open for Lhikan is a mystery.) Helryx: Anyway, the thing is, you have to know your own limits. Admittedly I don’t, since I don’t have any. But for lesser beings like you, you have to face the fact that you can only control and manage so many different people at one time. All:. . .hmm. . . Helryx: Soon, your organization gets too large and bulky to be manageable. Look at Mata Nui. Guy’s the size of the universe, and look what happened to him. He had so much to manage that he completely overlooked one or two insignificant details. Teridax: (Snicker) Helryx: So. Keep your organization at a nice manageable size. It’s called diseconomies of scale. Brutaka(aside) : What’s up with her? Making up new things again? Axonn: Tell me about it. The other day she came up with something called paper. Thought she was joking, but then she actually made the thing and hid it in the Great Temple. What’s wrong with a good tablet, for Mata Nui’s sake? Helryx: I shall now tell you how to figure out what size your organization should be. All: (Hesitant) Helryx(Starts scribbling on the wall behind her graphs and equations) : So I came up with some math formulas. . .the number of members in your organization, let that be b, should be proportionate to the power of the leader, p, and inversely proportional to the average power of a member, unless the standard deviation is higher than a certain value. . . (Fifteen minutes later) Helryx:. . .and to finish it all, multiply by the leadership constant L and divide by distance between you and your organization squared. Any questions? (Everybody is just starting to wake up, except for Brutaka, who amused himself by teleporting away with his Olmak and wrestling a Tahtorak for the past fifteen minutes.) Vakama: Snore. . .uh, oh! Right! Could we get that on a tablet to go? Because I can’t remember it. Tahu Nuva (Rubbing his eyes) : I thought all mask-makers were good mathematicians? It said so in Time Trap. Vakama: . . .stop breaking the fourth wall. Zaktan(Looking at the wall, which is covered in diagrams and equations) : I’m a thug, not a scholar. What is this stuff? Helryx: We do equations and math all the time! Just read Trial by Fire, Whenua calculates the momentum of his fall in Ko Metru while looking for Great Disks. . . Vakama: Not you too. . . Zaktan: Well, I give up. I can’t remember this. Wouldn’t it work just to shoot them all with Zamor Spheres? Then no matter how big the group, you can control them because they’re all blindly obedient. Like in Voya Nui. With those silly Matoran. Helryx(fumbling, at a loss for words) : Well, that wouldn’t work because. . .because. . . Teridax(softly, dangerously) : I wouldn’t let you do that again, green worm. Do you have any idea how disgusting it is to be in one of those things? My essence stank of Matoran for weeks. And that was after I threw myself into the ocean to get rid of the smell. Helryx (ready to shoot a jet of water) : Thank you, Teridax. Exactly. Just what I was going to say. So the rule still stands. All: Groan. . . Helryx: If you find you organization growing a little bit too big. . .then sadly, cuts will need to be made. You’ll need to lay people off. All:. . .(digesting the statement) Vakama: You mean. . .fire them? Helryx: No. I mean kill them. Tahu Nuva: Ah. Isn’t that a little harsh? Helryx: In this economy, you can’t afford to be merciful. Tahu Nuva: But the Toa Code says not to kill. . . Helryx: I wrote the thing, I know what it says, you dim-witted Doom Viper. Toa have to do what is necessary. And times change; that thing’s ancient. You have to keep up with the times. For example, nobody calls Matoran Tohunga anymore. Teridax: You know, I think there’s a reason for that. . . Helryx: I didn’t ask for your opinion. Ahem. So. Rule Number Four, the last rule, is. . .(pauses) Tahu Nuva: Okay. That’s it? Helryx: You fool, I’m just pausing for tension. It’s good drama. (Silence.) Helryx: RULE NUMBER FOUR IS. . .!! GOOD LEADERS LEAD WITH FEAR! Tahu Nuva: Not respect? Helryx: Who the Karzahni rules with respect? That’s never going to get you anywhere. Pain is good too. Pain and fear – keeps them in line. Teridax: But what if they fear your enemies more than they fear you? Or if your enemies can cause them more pain than you can? Helryx: Then you’re not very good a leader, are you? Get better at it! Teridax (terrified) : Yes ma’am. Helryx: They may fear your enemies, but as long as they fear you more, they’ll stay loyal to you. Makes sense, doesn’t it? (There are murmurs of assent.) Vakama: Didn’t you ever watch Web of Shadows? At the end, I told Roodaka. . .er. . . Tahu Nuva: Hypocrite. Helryx: So that’s it. That’s all. Those are my Four Rules/Habits/Leadership Skills of Highly Effective Leaders Because If They Don’t Have Them They’re Not Real Leaders – patent and trademark pending, don’t steal the name please. If you follow these simple rules, you will be well on your way to becomes a legendary leader! The test of an exceptional leader is loyalty: your team/organization/gang will stay loyal and true to you – even when threatened with pain or death, they will never betray you, or turn against you or give up your secrets! (Elsewhere. . .) Karzahni Plant No. 2:. . . . . .well, didn’t she ever read Time Trap? (Back in the auditorium, there is applause, after which the audience starts filing out.) Helryx: That is true leadership! Go out and conquer, my students, make sure your sub-ordinates never turn against you! Thank you, thank you. . .there’s a tip jar by the door. . .just don’t slip on the water. . . Brutaka(to Axonn) : You know, another test of a good leader is how many instruction manuals they come with. Axonn: Yes, but don’t mention that to Vezon and Kardas. They’re insufferable enough as it is after they realized they’re greater than the sum of our parts. The taunting hasn’t stopped since. Teridax(Gets up) : Alright, thanks Helryx. I’m going back to the Brotherhood and I’ll show them who’s boss! No more rebellions thank you very much. If everybody would just know their proper place, know who their leader is. . .and be nice, obedient and unrebellious Makuta. . .suits me just fine. (Elsewhere, in a volcano. . .) Miserix: You’re one to talk. (Back in the auditorium, the departing audience is enthused.) Vakama: Armed with my new knowledge, let’s see if Nokama ever calls me a freak again! Hahaha! Zaktan: That’s the last time the other Piraka hide my protodites where I can’t find them! Teridax: Let’s see that scoundrel Icarax try to depose me again! With this advice, I’ll be unstoppable! Tahu Nuva: Seriously, Helryx, thanks. I’ll never have to bribe my team with Kanohi to follow my orders after this! Helryx(Waving uninterestedly) : Okay, bye bye now. That happens to you? You’re a worse leader than I thought I never have to bribe the Order. . .really. . . (They leave, and Helryx is left alone in the auditorium with Brutaka and Axonn.) Helryx (counting Widgets): That makes sixty six thousand widgets. . .plus tips. . .let’s see. . . (Silence.) Brutaka: So, where’s that twenty thousand widgets you promised us for attending? Helryx: Be quiet! END