Toru Nui

Part 262: Reviewing the Situation “OK, let’s review the situation. We’re trapped on a boat, a good way away from the coast. We have no way of moving the boat because the engine’s bust, and it’s too heavy to move manually. Now, since Lewa’s levitation isn’t flying, and is just “falling with style” as he so very often proclaims, and since GALI is the only one capable of swimming-“ “NO SHE ISN’T!” SLAP! “OW! STOP THAT!” “Any sane or smart person would have shut up by now? You? Totally not.” “What?” “You’re like the equivalent of a retarded Burnak. An ugly retarded Burnak. A disease-ridden ugly retarded Burnak. A smelly, disease-“ SLAP! “OW!” “What was that about shutting up? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of me SLAPPING YOUR STUPID SMUG FACE.” SLAP! “OW! YOU BLACK DEFORMED PIECE OF-“ SLAP! “OW! WHY ARE YOU-“ “Because I want a piece of the action. Also because I hate you, but you knew that.” SLAP! “OW! WHAT THE FU-“ “EVERYONE SHUT UP!” “…Fudge.” SLAP! “That’s it, you’re dead!” “You wanna attack the fire-wielding pyromaniacal-“ “I DIDN’T BURN DOWN LE-KORO!” “Sssure you didn’t.” “-insane hothead (pun intended)-“ “*groan*” “Oh yeah, like you’re one to talk. Or groan, rather.” “IT WAS MY EVIL TWIN! YOU’VE ALL SEEN HIM!” “I’m sorry, repeat that so my HOOK can hear you.” “-on a WOODEN BOAT. With no way of escape. Great plan, frosty.” “Now now, Tahu. You can’t blame everything on your imaginary friend. Or enemy. Whatever.” “Gali, your jokes are terrible. And your puns. ESPECIALLY the puns. In fact, I think your jokes are pretty much ALL puns.” “Call me that again and I’ll cut you to ribbons!” “HE’S NOT IMAGINARY! YOU’VE ALL SEEN HIM!” “Tahu, calm the HECK down. This quote EVIL TWIN unquote, may or may not exist, but is NOT someone you can blame for your mistakes. Karzahni, if you have to blame anyone, blame Onua.” “Yeah! Hang on a minute, wha-“ “And Kopaka, whadda gonna cut me with? Your rapier wit? YOU HAVEN’T GOT A SWORD, NUMBNUT! You left it in the gut of your evil twin!” “So HIS exists but MINE doesn’t?! WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING!? And give me some.” “Pohatu, that is a terrible word to throw around, and you should be VERY ashamed of yourself.” “I don’t get it. Have I been insulted? Should I FEEL insulted?” “What are you babbling about now, woman?” “Rapeiyer. Not a very nice word. Especially in front of Lewa.” “You realise I’m the same age as you, right?” “Not mentally. Shush, the adults are speaking.” “I SAID RAPIER YOU MORON, IT’S A TYPE OF SWORD!!!” “*sigh* This line of jumbled conversations has a been complete waste of time.” “For once, we agree.” “Says you. I found out two news ways to annoy you two. Claiming Shadow Tahu doesn’t exist, and calling you frosty. Life is gooooo-“ SLAP! “OW! OK, I guess I asked for-“ SLAP! “OW!” SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! “OW!!! STO-“ SLAP! SLAP SLAP! SLAP! “Ahhh…” “Mata Nui, I love stress relief.” WHAT A RELIEF A STRESS RELIEF BA-DUM TISS

Part 261: Second-Degree Burn “So, he then sets it on fire?!” “Yes.” “…WWWHHHYYY???” “I don’t know. What’s really strange is that he didn’t expect it to catch fire.” “He didn’t think dry STRAW was flammable?!” “Nuhrii's an idiot. I thought we established that.” “That’s nothing. Tehutti once tried to get me to eat a sandwich he had secretly drugged with sleeping powder to make it look like I fell asleep on the job.” “Did it work?” “Karzahni no. I asked him if he had did that, he said he didn’t, took a bite out of the sandwich to prove he didn’t and then fell into a coma for eleven years.” “ELEVEN YEARS?! BECAUSE OF SLEEPING POWDER!?” “It was an overdose.” “…OK that makes sense.” “No, Kapura. No it does not.” “What do you mean?” “Sleeping powder, no matter how much there is, does not result in a coma.” “And how would you know? I have two degrees! Compared to me, you’re the equivalent of a toddler. Or a Secondary School Student.” “HOW DARE YOU!!!” “Sorry, that was uncalled for. I know. A POLITE Secondary School Student.” “That’s better.” “Wait, you have DEGREES?!” “Yes.” “Why is this the first time I’ve heard of it?” “Because I don’t like rubbing my achievements in people’s faces.” “Then what do you call fifteen seconds ago?” “What are these degrees IN?” “Inventology and technologyology.” “…That sounds fake.” “Doesn’t mean they’re not degrees though.” “YES IT DOES.” “What would you know? YOU don’t have degrees.” “You are the biggest stuck-up ever. You know that right?” BEWARE THE SWARM

Part 260: Don’t Tell us You Need us, Cause We’re the Ship of Fools… In case you had forgotten, the Toa Mata were being held captive on a boat out on the shore, with a communication link to Makuta, and such, heard (most) of Part 258. “…OK… did anyone understand what just happened?” “Nope.” “You don’t understand ANYTHING, idiot.” “I understand more than you think, Commander Contrarian.” “WHAT.” “Hello? Hello! Does anyone read me? Anybody? Nobody? Nobody.” CLICK! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-*explosion* The robot Ga-Matoran transmitting the message then exploded, and the bonds restraining the Toa retracted back into the boat.” “…Hmm. Convenient.” “TOO convenient!” DUN-DUN-DUN! “No, just regular convenient.” “OK… Gali’s the only one who can swim-“ “Since you have a Golden Mask, can’t you invoke the power of the Kanohi Kaukau-“ “That’s a ridiculous name.” “-and swim too?” “I SAID, before I was so rudely interrupted, that GALI’S the only one that can swim. Are we clear?” “…No. You can swim too, you just need the-“ SLAP! “OW! What the Karzahni’s wrong with you?” “AS I SAID, GALI’S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SWIM!” “Should we tell him that Tahu-“ “NO SHE ISN’T! YOU JUST HAVE TOO-“ SLAP! “OOOW!!!” “Heck no. I wanna see how long this lasts.” “AS I SAID, GALI’S THE ONLY. ONE. WHO. CAN-“ “NO! SHE ISN’T, ASHTRAY!!!” SLAP! “OOOOOOOOOWWW!” “I’ll grab snacks.” “We have no way off the boat, dummy.” … … … … … “WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.” 01010011 01001100 01000001 01010000 00100001

I switch the anesthetic for your operation with mustard gas. My mask.

Part 259: The Hafu/Taipu Dilemma Takua, Tamaru, Hafu and Taipu arrived in Le-Koro. The new one, anyway. This one was much closer to the tunnel that comes from Onu-Koro. For convenience. “What a dump. It looks different than the last time I, Hafu, came here.” “Well it DID burn to the ground last time we saw it. That and the sign says NEW Le-Koro. Learn how to read, newb.” “HALT! WHO GOES THER-oh it’s you idiot-fools. And YOU.” “Me?” “YES YOU! You’re the idiot who almost killed me during his Gukko trial run, and caused five million widgets in damages to public property when he went in for landing!” “That does not sound like something I would do. I am a good person. I think... Takua, am I a good person?” “The important thing is that you're trying.” “Thanks, man.” “Wait, I'm confused. If you're not the guy he talking about, who is?” “…OOOOOH. You mean me, Haf-I mean my, Hafu’s, uh… twin. Who has the exact same colours as me, Hafu. And mask. And voice. And name. Did I, Hafu, mention mask?” “Actually, you are wearing a different mask. And I was talking to the guy next to you, but I now see you switched Kanohi to TRICK ME!” “Wait, what?” “I don’t get it. Why is everybody yelling at Taipu and not Hafu?” “That IS Hafu!” “Actually, we swapped Kanohi on the way here.” “WHY?!” “It seemed like such a good idea at the time…” “SO WHO IS HAFU?!” “I, Hafu, am Hafu!” “No, that’s Taipu!” “HE JUST EXPLAINED HE WAS HAFU!” “No he didn’t. Taipu did.” “OH. MY. GREAT SPIRIT. SHUT UP, TAMARU.” “…I, Hafu, am Hafu. Not Tamaru.” “I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU!” “He’s not talking to you.” “He’s not talking to me, Hafu?” “YES!” “Well then who is he talking to? Taipu?” “FFFRRRUUUUUUSSSTTTRRRAAAAAAAAATTTIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOONNN!!!” THE JOKE IS THAT HAFU AND TAIPU HAVE THE SAME COLOURS AND THEY HAD THEIR KANOHI SWITCHED IN THE MATA-NUI ONLINE GAME BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT RIP DANIEL KRENTZ

“YES AND IT SUCKS.” Part 258: The Union Strikes Back “I DARE YOU TO GIVE ME A GOOD REASON WHY YOU’RE HERE.” “Alright then… YOU SUCK!” “WOW. NOBODY’S HAD THE GUTS TO SAY THAT TO MY FACE IN A WHILE. THERE’S A REASON FOR THAT. WANNA LEARN WHAT IT IS?” “It is true though, you do suck at being evil.” “WELL THAT’S PROBABLY BECAUSE I’M THE HERO HERE.” “Come on. Hides in a lair underground? Red eyes? Large booming over-the-top voice?” “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OVER-THE-TOP?! WHOOO DAAAREEES TOOO IIIMPLY III AAAM IIINCAAAPAAABLEEE OOOF SUUUBLEEETY??? HEHEHEH...” “Can we do it now?” “No, give him a minute.” “I SWEAR TO ME, IT’S LIKE EVEN MY OWN CREATIONS ARE INCAPABLE OF SEEING THAT I AM THE ONLY HOPE FOR THE MATORAN.” “Hope?” “Good LORD you’re an idiot. You’re trying to CRUSH hope, remember?!” “NO. NOT HOPE. FREEDOM.” “So? STILL evil!” “YOU IMBECILE. ALL CRIME AND EVIL COMES FROM THE FACT THE PEOPLE ARE IN CHARGE ARE TOO LENIENT. THEY THINK THAT EVEN IF THEY ARE CAUGHT, THE WORST THEY’LL GET IS IMPRISONMENT, FROM WHICH THEY CAN EASILY ESCAPE.” “Hang on…” “THE TOA, WITH THEIR NO-KILLING RULE ARE TOO LENIENT. MATA NUI WAS TOO LENIENT. ONLY I CAN KEEP EVERYONE SAFE. AND IF KEEPING PEOPLE SAFE MEANS I HAVE TO BEAT THEIR FREEDOM INTO A PULP AND THEN URINATE ON THE CORPSE, SO BE IT.” “Oh I get it…” “GOOD…” “You’re one of those templar guys, who think they’re doing good, even though everyone else can clearly see they’re doing evil.” “…I’M GOING TO START KILLING YOU NOW. I DON’T KNOW WHEN I’LL STOP.” “Not today! Or any other day, for that matter. FIRE!” The Shadow Toa combined their elemental powers to fire a beam of energy directly at Makuta. “OH FIDDLESTICKS! OH, HOW CUTE, THEY THINK THEY CAN-OH SH-“ ZWAAP! The pieces that composed Makuta and Tehutti’s swarm-like form fell to the floor. “See, I TOLD you it work.” “Yeah, seven BILLION times.” “It was hardly that many.” “I KNOW. EXAGGERATION. HYPERBOLE. LOOK IT UP.” “So is he dead?” “OF COURSE HE IS! If a small diluted blast from our goody-two-shoes counterparts weakened the thing that gave Makuta that form, then a large concentrated blast from us (since we’re superior) would mortally wound him, at least!” “How do you know that?” “Because while you, the idiot and the other idiot were still busy not existing, me, the other other idiot and the other other other idiot-“ “OK, we get it!” “-were stalking the Toa.” “That’s creepy. Good work!” “Spying on your mortal enemy isn’t creepy! Normal people do it!” “Normal people don’t even HAVE mortal enemies!” “We’re not exactly normal guys. We are created from other people’s flaws and vices, after all.” “Oh well. Onua, clean up this mess of an evil overlord!” “Why me?!” Shadow Tahu then blasted Shadow Onua into the wall. “Lewa, clean up this mess of an evil overlord!” “Y-yes, leader!” “…So how long do we pretend to be dead?” Tehutti telepathically communicated to Makuta. “AS LONG AS IT TAKES, NUMBNUT.” PLAYING POSSUM

Yes, after FIVE MONTHS. Part 257: Then Drop on the Deck and Flop Like a Fish “What is it you want anyway, you malevolent malfeasant?” “Obviously he wants to kill us. Why else would we be trapped on a boat miles away from land?” “OH MY POOR, IGNORANT, PITIFUL, PATHETIC, USELESS, FOOLISH TOA. IF ONLY YOU WERE MY ENEMIES. NO, YOU’RE NOT EVEN A PROBLEM.” “I don’t believe it. I’ve found someone with a bigger ego than that crazy carver.” “An amazing find. Perhaps later we can find someone dumber than Kopaka.” “Not necessary, we already have you.” “AH, GOOD TO SEE TOA STILL PERPETUATE THEIR OWN STEREOTYPE OF BEING INCOMPETENT BICKERING FOOLS.” “Stereotype?” “Still?” “Why are we here then?” “TO BE HERE. FOREVER. UNTIL I SAY YOU CAN LEAVE.” “We can’t stay here! Turaga Nuju plans to ICBM the crud out of the island!” “That stands for INTERCONTINENTAL ballistic missile, you skank.” “…WAIT WHAT?” “Good work Gali. Now he has even MORE reason to keep us here.” “WHY?” “Because the Matoran are having a big fuss over nothing and Nuju’s taking the most ridiculous course possible.” “BY THE MATORAN, YOU MEAN THE TURAGA RIGHT?” “Well yes. The Turaga do lead the Matoran after all.” “THEN THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT. STILL, I CAN WORK WITH THIS. OK, YOU GO AND GET THE MASKS. I’LL SEE IF I CAN DEAL WITH-AND WHAT THE KARZAHNI ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” The Shadow Toa spoke to Makuta, but all the Toa Mata could make out was: “*mumble* *mumble* *mumble* *mumble* *mumble*” “Who are these los-SHUT UP TEHUTTI, I’M DOING EMPLOYEE RELATIONS!” “He has employees?” “*mumble*! *mumble* *mumble* *mumble*! *MUMBLE!*” “Word of advice, an evil overlord should not refer his minions as employees, makes you sound like a twat.” “AND YOU SOUND LIKE NAILS ON CHALKBOARD.” “HEY!” “*MUMBLE*!” THINGS ARE ABOUT TO TAKE A TURN FOR THE WORSE AS IF THIS STORY COULD NOT GET ANY MORE COMPLICATED

Part 256: If Nautical Nonsense be Something You Wish The Ga-Matoran’s head then did a full 360 degree turn, and her Kanohi folded out to reveal a screen with none other than Makuta’s new form showed on it. “AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! IMBECILES!” “Wait… is that the-“ “YES YES YES, THE THING THAT WAS BUILT UP TO BE A BIG THREAT BUT WASN’T. TO BE HONEST, IT’S SORT OF DEMEANING TO EVEN LOOK LIKE HIM.” “And apparently, this is now happening.” “MAKUTA! EXPLAIN!” “BASICALLY THERE WAS THIS ELDRITCH ABOMINATION CONTAINED BENEATH THE ISLAND THAT SOMEHOW GOT FREE, THOUGHT IT COULD ACTUALLY BEAT ME AND COULDN’T. I ATE IT, FOR LACK OF TERMS YOU FOOLS COULD UNDERSTAND.” “Ah yes. Purely to explain why you now look like a swarm of angry Nui-Rama.” “…WHAT?” “Well you see, since you randomly appear like that, an explanation was created. It just so happened that the explanation was another side villain.” “Ignore him, he’s delusional.” “HALP… AIR…” “I GET THAT. Hey, aren’t you gonna acknowledge me?” “Sorry, wha?” “I ALSO HAPPEN TO BE SHARING THIS BODY WITH SOME IDIOT THE IDIOT ATE BEFORE I ATE HIM. It sounds disgusting when you put it like that. IT IS DISGUSTING!” “Screw it, at this point; I’ll tolerate any sort of lunacy.” “You will?! Well then, allow me to sing a little song-“ “Oh no…” “Whatever happens next is your fault Kopaka.” “Ah shut up.” “Going to… pass out…” “I know right?” “OOOOOOOOO-“ “NO!!! NONE OF THAT! SHAME ON YOU. Well I was quite interested to see-*SNARL* I’ll shut up now. YOU DO THAT.” “Aw…” “Maybe later Lewa. How about tomorrow?” “How about never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever-“ “*gasp* How… about… after we’re dead?” “-ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever-“ “Plus one year.” “-ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever-“ “Just to make sure we’re dead.” THINKING OF RESTARTING THIS AND MAKING IT LESS COMPLICATED JUDGES

Indeed. Part 255: Messing Around in Boats The Toa Mata climbed into the small, compact boat (it was built for Matoran, you understand), and the Ga-Matoran then started sailing off. Unfortunately, it was a bit cramped in the passenger section. “Argh! Who’s clutching my arm?” “I'm doing it because I'm scared. Don’t let me drown.” “STOP IT.” “Pleeeaaaseee?” “GET OFF!” “I CANNOT BREEEAAATHEEE!!!” “Clearly you can.” “Huh, we… don’t appear to be going towards Po-Wahi. In fact we just seem to be drifting out to sea...” It was at this moment that strands of energy came out of the floor and restrained them. “Lewa, just STOP talking.” MOTOR MOUTH

I toss the planet into the sun. My mask.

Part 254: At Long Long Last Gali returned to the other Toa Mata bearing her Golden Mask. Two out six done (only took over 250 posts) “So, how did it go?” “Oh perfectly fine. Except Ga-Wahi has been destroyed.” “CURSES!” “BAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!” “Shut up stoner.” “Are you referring to his element or his intelligence?” “Everyone needs to be quiet. We need to get to the next Wahi!” “What IS the next Wahi?” “WHO CARES?!” “I CARE!” “The next is mine, no arguing.” “What’s even the way?” “THAT way.” “Oh great. How do we get there?” Then a yellow boat driven by a Ga-Matoran labelled TAXI sailed by. “Ah, convenient.” YES VERY CONVENIENT

“Yes.” Part 253: Pack Your Jets “Nuparu, I’ve been meaning to ask, how did you get here so quickly?” “It’s called a jetpack.” “You have a jetpack?” “I did, until it blew up.” “Why did it-“ “Too many questions, not enough answers.” “Fine.” “GOOD EVENING GENTLEMEN! HOW MAY I HELP YOU?” “By going away.” “Nuparu, that was rude! I want him to go away too but I’m not vocal about it.” “I COMPLETELY AGREE! I SHALL GO AWAY! TALLY HO!” “…I’m surrounded by idiots.” Klyma muttered to himself as he left. “HMPH. IDIOTS INDEED. THAT’S CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK. HAH, LITERALLY! SINCE AHKMOU HAS BEEN FIRED, ONCE I HAVE THAT DIMENSIONAL THINGYMEBOB, MAKUTA WILL PROMOTE ME FROM LEFT HAND MAN TO HIS RIGHT HAND MAN! SINCE RIGHT IS SCIENTIFFICALLY BETTER THAN LEFT, THAT MAKES ME BETTER! MUAAHAHHAHAH-“ “Klyma, why are you laughing maniacally to yourself?” “Indeed! It is most peculiar-odd.” “I… THOUGHT OF SOMETHING FUNNY.” “Can you tell me?” “YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO HEAR IT. IT’S A RACIST JOKE.” “Eh. Doesn’t really matter if it’s funny.” “I agree-concur!” “Speaking of which, I know a particularly good one about Le-Matoran…” “I THINK THE ONE WHO’S CURRENTLY IN THE ROOM IS QUITE SUFFICIENT.” “Oi. Words can hurt-harm.” ESPECIALLY IN TOONTOWN ONLINE YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS DO YOU

Part 252: Gamblin’ Man “Oooh… thanks for saving me Gali. No thanks to you guys.” “Hey, it’s not our fault you happen to be a living whoopee cushion.” “Hey! That’s MR. Living Whoopee Cushion to you!” “Whoopee cushion implies he can deflate. He cannot.” “Well apparently we now all have six masks. Does anyone know the way to the Suva?” “The what?” “The place we place our masks in order to get our replacement mask.” “Oh. I thought it was a new restaurant franchise.” “Why would you even-“ “I know the way.” “Well, then-“ “It’s in Ga-Koro. And we can’t get to the entrance from here unless we swim.” “You mean unless YOU swim.” “…Fine. Stay here lazybones, I’ll be back.” Gali swam off with all her masks towards Ga-Koro. “How much you wanna bet Ga-Koro’s been destroyed too?” “Oh please. The chances of that are one in a million.” THIS IS THAT ONE IN THE MILLION

Part 251: Lobotomized Lobby “I don’t understand. Why CAN’T we have the summit now?” “Because they’re long and boring and if we do it now we’ll never get any sleep.” “Yes, we’d all be tired and you become ill-tempered. Well, MORE ill-tempered.” “I heard that!” “Of course you did, she’s standing right next to you.” “I see that!” “Well yes, she is standing right next to you as Matau said.” “I know that!” “Then why do we have to keep telling you?” “I hate that!” “Ca-kaw! Chirp! Cock-a-doodle-doo!” “Enough of this comedic banter! Where are our rooms?” “Twit-too-woo!” “I SHALL ESCORT THEM TO THEIR ROOMS, OH WISE AND POWERFUL ONE!” “What a bootlick.” “COME EVERYONE, FOLLOW YOUR BOOTLICK!” FOLLOW THE BOOTLICK FOLLOW FOLLOW

“What time is it Ehrye?” Part 250: Ravenous Rahi “OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW-“ “Shouldn’t we go HELP him?!” “Nah, he’s got this.” “OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW-“ “…No. No he hasn’t.” “Why do YOU suddenly care about him getting hurt?” “What? I don’t care at all. It’s just I’d much rather be doing ANYTHING else than THIS.” “Eh, fair enough.” “OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW-“ “Seriously though. You have a Golden Mask. Just turn it into a Kakama and run up the mountain.” “Ah yes, that incredibly craggy mountain full of spikes. There’s a reason why I sent Onua up there.” “Because he’s an expert climber?” “No, because he’s an expert at receiving pain with no long-term results.” “OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW-“ “I’m fairly certain you can’t recover from being eaten.” “Well you can, it just takes a while. And is highly unhygienic.” “Thank you for that disturbing image, Lewa.” “You’re welcome.” “OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW-“ “Hey guys, what’s… what’s that sound?” “That’s Onua being liquorice.” “…What?” “BEING EATEN.” “Well help him you idiots!” “Why don’t you?” “*sigh* Stay here, you Dikapi. I’ll be back.” Gali started climbing the mountain. “So, uh, what did you do while we were gone?” “I found my Miru in an underwater cave! And fought a Tarakava while doing so.” “Where’s that Tarakava now!?” “Trapped in the cave!” “OK!” “WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?!” “BECAUSE SHE’S UP THERE AND WE’RE NOT!” “EXACTLY, SO STOP SHOU-“ “It’s impossible to sleep here, isn’t it?” “You can sleep WHEN IT’S NIGHT!!!” Meanwhile, at the top of the mountain… “OW! OW! OW! OW-“ SPLOOSH! Several gallons of scalding water were thrown at the Tarakava gnawing at Onua’s flesh. “Ow… everything hurts…” Gali then promptly starting beating the tar out of the other Rahi. “…Everything… my everything hurts…” HAVING YOUR EVERYTHING HURT IS NOT A PLEASANT SENSATION UNLESS YOU ARE A MASOCHIST THEN IT IS FINE

Part 249: Attack of the Italics “Agni asks why are you two just sitting there twiddling your thumbs?” “He has a point. Why?” “May I remind you imbeciles that the door is locked?” “Well unlock it.” “FROM THE OTHER SIDE.” “So?” “Agni states you can’t unlock a door if the lock is on the other side.” “Is it?” “YES. YES IT IS.” “…Well then unlock it.” “AGNI JUST TOLD YOU IT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!” “No you didn’t, you said we couldn’t if it was.” “But I said-“ “I interpreted your very vague answer as a no.” “I said YES.” “I thought it was a yes to no.” … … … … … “WHAT???” “As in no, it is not on the other side.” “Agni is exasperated.” “Do you just choose to ignore reality? Because if so, you’re doing it wrong. Trust me, I’ve been doing it for the past eleventy-seven years.” “Agni says that’s not a number.” “No. It’s a word.” “Agni is getting tired of your sh-“ “Shouldn’t it be one hundred and seventeen?” “What are you drivelling about now?!” “You said eleventy-seven. That’s not a number.” “Agni agrees. Agni says it’s a word.” “Shut up, no-one cares.” “I care.” “NO-ONE. Anyway eleventy-seven is essentially eleven plus seven. Therefore: it is seventeen.” “You told me it was one hundred and seventeen and your math is wrong.” “I changed my mind. And how is my math wrong?” “Agni says eleven plus seven is eighteen because eleven is ten plus one and ten plus seven in seventeen plus one is eighteen.” “…Can someone shove a fist down his throat, it’s clearly what he’s asking for-GAH! *choke* Not… me… you idiot…” “I’m going to enjoy this FAR more than I should.” ITALICS DENOTE WHENEVER SOMEONE IS UNDER MIND CONTROL OR POSSESSED REMEMBER THIS

Part 248: Summing Up the Summit “ANYWAY, CAN YOU SEE A GOLDEN MASK?!” “NO I CAN’T, I-“ A Kewa then excreted its waste all over Onua, as per Nuju’s orders. “…Ewww…” “WHAT HAPPENED!?” “YOU DON’T WANNA KNOW!” “…OK!” “I do.” “Shut up.” “WHAT WAS THA-“ SCREECH! “Oh no…” “WHAT WAS THA-“ “PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!” “RAHI ARE TRYING TO EAT ME!!!” “Things are trying to get on my nerves. And succeeding. Succeeding far too much.” “ARGH! HELP ME, I DON’T THINK I’LL BE ABLE TO STOMACH HIS STOMACH!!!” “FAR too much.” “FIGHT BACK YOU SACK OF DIRT!” Upon hearing this, the Tarakava immediately spat out Onua. And then the other Tarakava started eating him. “CURSE YOU TOOTH DECAY! WHY YOU NO WORK ON THIS REPTILLIAN RETARD!?” The Nui-Jaga then looked at each other, not believing what they were seeing and hearing. “FAR TOO MUCH.” “OK, we get it!” “SSSLLLEEEEEEEEEPPP!!!” “Quiet you.” “FAR TOO M-“ “SHUT THE KARZAHNI UP!” WE ARE NOW AT THE PEAK OF ONUAS SUFFERING

Part 247: Chloroform Contest “*groan*... What happened? And why are you about to smother me ag-*muffled screaming* mmph! MMPH! Mmmmmm…” Flop. “HA! Five seconds! I, Hafu, win!” “Five and a half. Anyway I can ride a Gukko. You can’t.” Hafu immediately produced his photo album. He pointed to the one with him riding a Gukko with Orkahm as his second, clearly terrified by his reckless flying. “…Huh… I can do it better though.” “Let’s test that theory, shall we? Off to Le-Koro. Again.” “Well we don’t have anything better to do.” “Takua? I thought you were out interrogating that Po-Matoran.” “Interrogated? You just asked me what Makuta’s planning!” Ahkmou yelled from outside, unable to enter due to the ropes covering his body. “You think the Po-Matoran are working for Makuta?” “Uh, I, Hafu, am standing RIGHT here. It would not be wise to make disrespectful assumptions.” “They’re not, but he is.” “But he’s a Po-Matoran. Why would just ONE be doing it? They’re more easily herded-led than Mahi.” “Seriously, I, Hafu, am right here. I, HAFU, CAN HEAR YOU.” “That’s racist, and I believe this one to be mentally unwell.” “I CAN HEAR YOU AS WELL!” “Wait, is that Ahkmou outside?” “Who?” “Me!!!” “I guess it is him.” “Makes sense. He was always odd in the head. I, Hafu, mean, it’s not like I, Hafu, am insane. No, why would anyone assume that about me, Hafu? I, Hafu, am Hafu, I, Hafu, am sane, because I, Hafu am Hafu.” “…Riiiiiiiight…” A GOOD SIGN THAT YOU ARE CRAZY IS THE INABILITY TO QUESTION IF YOU ARE CRAZY CRAZY PEOPLE DO NOT ASK

Part 246: Just as Plan-CREED!!! “So, what now? WE WAIT, IMBECILE. For what? FOR THINGS TO GO AS PLANNED. But that’s going to take AGES! NO IT WON’T. I SHOULD KNOW, I’VE WAITED FOR ONE. How long have you been waiting, exactly? LONGER THAN YOU COULD IMAGINE. What have you been DOING with your time? LOTS OF THINGS. SOME OF WHICH HELP MY PLAN. I’VE EVEN CREATED FALSE HISTORICAL RECORDS TO SCREW OVER ANYONE WHO TRIES TO USE TIME TRAVEL TO STOP ME OR SOME KANE-RA MANURE.” Meanwhile, in the future: “So, wait, Takanuva goes in ALONE? That seems very irresponsible. Oh well. This is a different timeline, so maybe he’ll go with the other Toa.” “Come on! There must be SOME way to speed things up! THERE WAS, BUT THERE ISN’T ANYMORE. YOU CAN BLAME VAKAMA FOR THAT. Well then kill him! HE’S NESSECARY TO THE PLAN. SOMETHING YOU’LL APPRECIATE LATER. But-TRUST ME. EVERYTHING IS GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN. EXCEPT THIS. I DON’T QUITE APPRECIATE SHARING MY MIND WITH YOU. IN FACT, IT’S GETTING VERY HARD FOR ME TO USE MY POWERS. MOSTLY BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH OF A DOPE YOU ARE. I am not a-DOPESAYSWHAT? What? DOPE. Oh-but-you-*groan* HAHAHAHAH. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, SHUT THE KARZAHNI UP AND LET ME HANDLE EVERYTHING. But-EVERYTHING.” … … … … … “But-EEEVEEERYTHIIING!!!” JUST AS PLANNED NYEHEHEH

No it isn't, shrapnel is the REMAINS of a bomb. Naota wasn't a bomb. OR WAS HE?! KABOOM! My mask.

Part 245: The Caper of Kapura “Jaller? Kapura? What are you doing here?” “We’re prisoners of four.” “WAR, Kapura. Prisoners of WAR.” “That’s what I said.” “No it isn’t.” “WASN’T, Jaller. No it WASN’T.” “*sigh*” “You’re still both idiots, but I am glad you’re here.” “Sadly we’re still prisoners of these worthless Fikou.” “Yes… wait, Fikou?” “Something I picked up from Kongu.” “Who?” “Hey Onewa, can I have these two back?” “Sure.” “See?” “Impressive. Can you make him cluck like a Dikapi?” “No but I can make YOU. CLUCK.” “Sir I’m not-“ “Cluck!” “...” “CLUCK!” “Cluck!” “Better. Now, I require a footstall while I read this newspaper. Where the Karzahni is Nuhrii?” “I don’t know, but I don’t think he’s very far off.” Meanwhile… “So, how much snowfall do you get ‘round here, on average?” “…Are you REAL?” THANKFULLY NOT

He's Tamaru. Part 244: Born to be Bad “WHEEEREEE AAAREEE THEEEY?!” “HOW SHOULD WE KNOW?” “YOU SHOULD BE LOOOOOOKING!!!” “We’ve looked. They’re not here.” “You mean I looked. You just looked under a few rocks, the three stooges sat around fondling their crotches, and he’s been complaining about that sword.” “WHY WON’T ANYONE HALP MEEEHEHEHEEHEEE!?” “OF COURSE THEY’RE NOT HERE YOU FOOL! THEY’RE SOMEWHERE ELSE! FIND THAT SOMEWHERE!” “Where is the somewhere?” “SOMEWHERE.” “I know it’s a somewhere, but we need to find that somewhere.” “EXACTLY!!!” “But where is the somewhere? I don’t understand what you do not understand.” “Can I kill him?” “Not if I kill him first.” “SILENCE! You can kill him after we kill the Toa.” “I thought we were supposed to-“ “Oh please. Makuta’s an idiot. We don’t NEED the Toa. Once we kill them, WE will become the Toa and then the Matoran will worship US! And cater to our EVERY whim.” “But… we’re evil-looking. They’re not. I doubt this plan will work.” “PPPAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIINNN!!!” “Quiet you. This plan WILL work, because once we kill the Toa, WE will take over their minds and bodies! AHAHAH! AHAHAHAHAHAH! HA!” “Worst maniacal laugh ever.” “HHHEEEEEEEEELLLPPP MMMEEE!!!” “OK, can we kill HIM?” “Not if I-“ “Enough.” Shadow Gali pulled Kopaka’s sword out of Shadow Kopaka. “YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!” “Pansy.” “Wait a second, if we kill the Toa, how will we take over their minds? This plan sounds stupid.” “THIS IS ALL STUPID! We are the manifestations of the flaws of six biomechanical heroes who arrived on a desert island in tiny canisters IN PIECES, who have powers over the forces of nature, NOT ELEMENTS because if they were they would be able to MAGICally manipulate the elements in the periodic table with no rational explanation for how they are able to do so like they can with their phony elements, and use said powers to stop an evil shadow entity who used MAGIC to put his GODLIKE brother TO SLEEP. Did you expect any of this to make sense?” … … … … … “What’s the periodic table?” “He’s right; we have no idea what it is.” “Stop making stuff up.” “…I’m going to go back to rambling now. All these lines make a wall. All these lines make a wall. All these lines make a wall. All these lines make a wall. All these lines make a wall. All these lines make a wall. All these-“ “*sigh*” ALL THESE LINES MAKE A WALL A WALL OF TEXT

Checkmate. My mask.

You are stripped of the mask for the crime of tampering with the mail. My mask.

“BECAUSE THEY JUST KNOW BETTER.” Part 243: Count How Many Times He Says Hafu “Oooh… ow…” “Oh dear Mata Nui HE’S COMING ‘ROUND!” “Isn’t that a good thing?” “Hey… why is my body red… oh. OH. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH-“ “ANESTHETIC!” “We don’t have that. We only have chloroform.” “…Screw it.” “-HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-*muffled screaming* Mmph! MMPH! MMph… mmph…” “…HA! Who says you need qualifications to be a doctor?” “I, Hafu, do. I, Hafu, mean, I, Hafu, could be a doctor if I, Hafu, wanted to, but I, Hafu, don’t. You, on the other hand, are NOT me, Hafu.” “Just because your name is Hafu doesn’t make you brilliant at everything.” “No it doesn’t. But I, Hafu, AM brilliant. And my, Hafu’s, name IS Hafu.” “Oh please. You CAN’T be better than me at EVERYTHING.” “Sure I, Hafu, can.” “Wanna bet-gamble?” “I, Hafu, do.” “OK. But be warned: I’m going to enjoy-love beating-slapping the ego-arrogance out of you.” “Ugh, your vocal tic is SO annoying.” HYPOCRITICAL HIT