Toru Nui

Part 154: Resignation “I resign!” “WHAT THE KARZAHNI ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” “This numbnut thinks he can just walk out of our gig.” “I can! I am a Dark Hunter! I have the right to chicken out of any mission!” “WELL I CAN’T ARGUE WITH LEGAL STICKLERS. BUT WHY?” “Because I’m tired of getting knocked around by incompetent yet ridiculously lucky Toa.” “I’ll make you eat those words, word eater!” “He means our good counterparts you IDIOT.” “WE’RE the counterparts moron!” “We’re both counterparts imbeciles!” “You’re the imbeciles.” “IDIOTS, IDIOTS EVERYWHERE.” “YOU’RE the idiot.” He was immediately thrown straight into the wall, leaving an outline as he peeled himself off. “Ow…” “YOU CAN LEAVE. YOU THREE CONTINUE TO DISTRACT THE TOA. AND DON’T MESS IT UP THIS TIME! BY THE WAY, HOW’D YOU GET HERE SO QUICK?” “We found a hole.” … … … … … “It was a BIG hole.” “Well that wraps everything, except my payment.” “YOU JUST BAILED. I’M NOT PAYING YOU FOR AN INCOMPLETE JOB.” “The contract states-“ “WELL SPIRIAH. I’LL HAVE FIVE THOUSAND WIDGETS IN YOUR ACCOUNT BY THE END OF THE WEEK.” THAT HOLE WAS A PLOT HOLE

Part 153: Something Gets Lost in Translation Matoro dashed into Nuju’s sanctum. “Sorry I’m late Turaga…” “Chirp! Cock-A-Doodle-Doo! Kakakaka! Caw! Tweet!” “Yes yes yes… Ahem.” “Wait, you can actually UNDERSTAND that garbage?” “With some degree of inaccuracy, yes.” “Caw! Coo!” “Y-yes Turaga.” “Honk! Quack! Tweet! Crow! Yip! Squawk! Hoot! Gobble gobble! Cluck! Chirp! Cawk! Kakakaka!” “Uh… the Turaga would like to give a rare opportunity. He’s going to start off as if he never met your… ahem… “stupid” faces.” “Hey!” “We’ll have you know, it’s the MASKS that are stupid!” “Hmm… should I murder the Turaga, or the guy who translates the Turaga’s retarded noises?” “Look, we’re here to tell you something important!” “Chirp! Yip! Quack! Squawk!” “He says he doesn’t care. Sorry. He didn’t say sorry, I did. Even though it would be polite for him to do so. So I’m sorry for that too. I’m sorry on his behalf.” “Your imbecilic Turaga friends are about to kick off a civil war for no real reason.” “…” “He says nothing.” “Oh really?!” “SQUAWK! CHIRP! HOOT! QUACK! YIP! KAKAKAKA! GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE!” “I’m not translating that. It’s far too vulgar.” Nuju quickly pushed his bookcase to the right, revealing a secret exit. He gestured for them to follow him. “…Well.” “Let’s hope this is a good thing.” IT IS NOT

Part 152: Dirty Little Snake “Oh good-great, it’s going to take long-time to clear this up!” “First we must find Ahkmou, before the dirty little snake can slip away.” “Hey! I’m not dirty…” “Of course you aren’t…” “I brought him here Turaga on the crime of being dirty.” “I’m clean!” “Oh really?” Lewa used his axe as a golf club and knocked Ahkmou a few feet away, leaving a dirt outline of him where he originally stood. “NOW you are clean.” “*sigh* Alright, enough of this.” “I trust everyone’s well-alive?” “All Matoran present-accounted for! Except maybe Tamaru and Orkahm… but nobody cares about them.” “Oh well. Can’t hope for everything. Now find somewhere to detain that dirty Po-Matoran!” “That’s it! I’m-“ “Tell them and I’ll rip out your spinal cord and BEAT YOU WITH IT!” “He’ll do it, I’ve seen him.” HE WILL INDEED DO IT

Part 151: We Interrupt This Update to Bring You Some Breaking News When the Matoran came to Mata Nui, they needed to find settlement. The Turaga agreed it would be better if the races stayed apart, yet where united under the banner of light against the shadows. But protection was nessecary. The Ta-Matoran were easily taught the ways of battle, the Le-Matoran were safely protected via their high vantage point, since that was the high ground. And if you have the high ground, that automatically means you win. Unless you’re WW2 Germans or Darth Maul. The Po-Matoran built machines of war, the Onu-Matoran holed themselves underground in fear of the creatures above, and the Ga-Matoran placed themselves in a location they thought was secret. It was not. But the Ko-Matoran had no protection about from the cold, but that would not deter the Makuta. So they opted for a different approach. To arrive to Mata Nui, the Matoran used giant airships. When they arrived, they had no need for the airships, apart for materials to build their villages. But these airships had defences, weapons, that if put in the hands of ordinary Matoran, might cause them to go mad with power. The Turaga agreed (well, the majority of them did) that the weapons were too powerful for the Matoran to use or even know about, except perhaps the calm Ko-Matoran. Klyma’s an exception to that calm stereotype. And so the weapons of the airships were taken by the Ko-Matoran, and buried beneath Ko-Koro. But unknown to but a few Ko-Matoran, (a few does not include Matoro, Kopeke, Ehrye and Klyma) the weapons were buried because they needed to be hidden. So Nuju could use them in the event of Makuta’s victory, or a Matoran Civil War. And you can see where this is going. COUGH SOMETHING BAD COUGH

Part 150: Chaotic Charades Gali, Kopaka and Pohatu were standing outside Turaga Nuju’s inner sanctum. “Alright, we’ve all agreed on what we’re saying?” “Yes, we’re Ga-Matoran scouts selling cookies.” “NO!” “Sorry, I’m a pathological snarker.” “Wait… what ARE we going to say?” “Moment’s gone. Kopaka ruined it.” “We’re going to tell them about how the Po-Matoran have duped the Ta-Matoran into attacking the Onu-Matoran, and that they also duped the Ga-Matoran and Miss Gullible over here into helping them get rid of the Ta-Matoran.” “…And then we sell them cookies?” “…Yes. We will sell them cookies. THAT WE DON’T HAVE.” “…We’re con men now?” “*sigh* Come on, let’s get this over with.” They entered Nuju’s sanctum, and were greeted by the Turaga with great courtesy and politeness, that the Toa would surely have appreciated, were it not for the fact that he spoke entirely in bird noises. “Caw! Caw! Chirp! Twit-too-woo! Bzzz! Kakakaka! Coo! Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!” “…Sorry what?” “Crow! Tweet! Squawk! Kut-kut-kut!” “…What accent do you think that is?” “Bird. Which by the way, is what I’ll giving him if he doesn’t start talking Matoran.” “You don’t mean-but this is rated PG, at the very least! You can’t do that!” “I have no idea what you’re babbling about, but I CAN do that. *whistle*” A Fishing Bird then flew in on Kopaka’s shoulder. “I’m going to give him this bird so he realises he’s a Matoran, not a bird.” “…You did that on purpose, didn’t you?” “Hoot! Hoot! Caw! Chirp! Gobble gobble gobble! Cluck! Pa-cawk! Gaggle! Tweet! Pip! Quack!” “OK, so we can’t communicate with him through Matoran. Perhaps we can use an alternative.” “Like what?” “Ooh! How about charades!” “*sigh* Tu-whu.” Nuju began to play along with Pohatu’s suggestion. Unfortunately, he wasn’t very good at it, and Pohatu is not good at reading body language. “Yes? What is it? It’s a film? It’s a book? It’s a play!” “You idiot! It’s obviously a game.” “Uh… One word… He’s waving… Wave?” “Pendulum?” “He’s surrendering to us! Well, it’s about time…” “*sigh*” Kopaka sorely wished Matoro was here… What he didn't know, was that Matoro was really close, but not close enough. And he was waving to say hello. THE CHARACTERS ARE ONLY AWARE OF THE 4TH WALL WHEN IT IS FUNNY POHATU IS AWARE OF IT ALL THE TIME

Part 149: Ruins of Civilization (More or Less) Onua and Orkahm had made their way to Le-Koro. Or what was left of it anyway. “…I feel the property value on this place is about to go down the drain.” “I never liked this Karzahni-pit anyway.” “Oh hey Onua.” “Tahu, since most of this debris has burn marks, I’m assuming you have something to do with this.” “Oh no, that was my evil duplicate.” “Right. And I suppose I’m standing next to a leprechaun.” “I resemble that remark!” “It’s RESENT, dimwit.” “I KNOW.” “Then why-“ “I’m short, I’m green, and I have a pot of widgets behind a rainbow.” “REALLY?” “NO!” “Aw…” “You’re still an idiot, but I am glad you’re here. I’ve been combing the wreckage for the Turaga, but so far all I found was that crazy Ga-Matoran, and some narcisstic Le-Matoran who’s about as good at music as you are at being smart.” “So he’s achieved the pinnacle of musical genius?” “Great comeback, but no. The first five notes made me want to tear out his spleen.” “Did you?” “No, I dislocated it instead. No-killing, remember?” “Kill him and this entire village will reward you. Unless the dumb-savages still know what ethics are…” “Aren’t you one of them?” “I’m the black Mahi.” “But you’re green.” “It’s a meta-phrase.” “But-“ “SHUT, UP.” FORGET WHAT I SAID ON NEW YEARS REMEMBER THAT MESS TAHU MADE THE VOID ATE IT YUM YUM ON THE BAD SIDE I HAVE LOST MY NOTES FOR THE REST OF THE STORYLINE AS OF NOW I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE STORY IS GOING

New Year Special: Going Nuclear “Tahu, that’s far too many fireworks!” “You can never have TOO many fireworks.” “Yes you can!” “*sigh* Hello friendly people of BZPower. Tahu is about to blow up the entire forum. And possibly the entire comedies section unless someone stops him.” “I am not! This is a reasonable amount of fireworks!” “You have FIVE-HUNDRED! Karzahni, half of those aren’t even fireworks, just military-issue missiles! I’m certain at least ONE of them was a NUKE!” “Wuss.” “How are you even going to light them without a lighter?” “…” “Oh. OH!” “T-Minus zero minutes till lift-off! *mimics transceiver sound*” “Houston, we have a problem.” “What?” Kopaka decapitated him. “Only a small problem. No need to LOSE YOUR HEAD.” “Oh dear Mata Nui you killed him.” “Relax. This is non-canon. He’ll be fine.” “It was fine when Tahu almost roasted the Fikou alive; it was fine when Onua put his mask before the well-being of the Matoran. It was fine when Pohatu kicked Ehrye into the stratosphere. But that? That was just evil.” “Calm your milkers, at least the fireworks won’t go off.” “Hey guys I found this lit candle in the back!” Pohatu fell over Tahu’s several head and fell over. “Uh oh.” The candle fell into the firework cluster and it was lit. … … … … … “Well f-“ BOOOOOOM! … … … … … “…iddlesticks.” OH GREAT IT’S GOING TO TAKE FOREVER TO CLEAN THIS MESS UP I WILL HAVE TO HIRE SOMEONE ELSE TO DO NEXT WEEK’S POSTS

Part 148: Birth of a New Order “Look, there is only one way to settle this dispute.” “A democratic election?” “Pie-eating contest?” “MORTAL COMBAT!?” “No. Who here has the most experience leading?” “Well Turaga, the thing is… you’re not very good at this.” “You forced us to work in deplorable conditions with little to no pay!” “You were being paid five hundred widgets.” “A pitiful amount.” “BY THE HOUR!” “Whatever! We’ve lived underground for far too long! Now it is time for us to rise, and conquer ALL OF MATA NUI!” “And how are you going to do that? You’re going to take over the TURAGA’S job, use MY inventions as weapons of mass destruction, all part of TAIPU’S plan.” “…So?” “MATA NUI you’re an idiot!” “Technically it was my plan-“ “Shut your mouth old man!” “While it pains me to say it, the moron’s plan is probably our best hope.” “Well thank you. Finally the respect I deser-“ “Shut up moron.” “You WANT Mata Nui to be ruled by a moron?” “Well maybe not him. You see, the only way we’ll ever be safe from Makuta’s Rahi and civil war is if we unite as one village. Unfortunately, the petty vendettas and squabbles of the Turaga have made it that it won’t be possible without large amounts of violence involved.” “…That… that was my end goal. All along.” “No it wasn’t. You just wanted the entire island to become one big shrine to your ego.” “Wait, you DON’T?!” “Somebody kill him, please?” “OK.” They turned to see an army of Po-Matoran and Ga-Matoran. “NO! There will be no killing today! Hopefully.” “What? Oh. It is you two idiots.” “YOU’RE the idiot if you think Makuta will reward you for betraying us!” “WhAT?!” Tehutti immediately seized the opportunity. “WHENUA IS IN LEAGUE WITH THE MAKUTA!!!” “Oh come on, like they’re gonna believe-“ Half the village charged toward Whenua, and the other half started attacking the charging half. “…I’m losing all faith in our race. Perhaps it would be beneficial to awaken this “Void” character…” Hewkii looked quizzically at Onewa. “I thought we were going to be fighting them, not themselves!” “Mah boi, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that no matter how incompetent or inept you and/or allies may seem, your enemies are just as if not more incompetent and inept.” YES YES YES DO IT DO IT DO IT FREE ME LITTLE ONE FREE ME

Part 147: Bored Games In Kopeke’s hut in Ko-Wahi, Kopeke, Nuhrii and Agni were playing a board game called Rahi and Toa. Agni landed on his third Rahi in the span of three turns. “This game is stupid!” “Well then quit play-“ “NEVER!!!” “*sigh* This happens every time I let people into my house.” “Well sorry, but-“ “Get out now.” “Why?” “Because I said so, NOW GET OUT!” Nuhrii and Agni were now stranded in the Ko-Wahi wastes, stuck with the person they hate the most. And then they were joined by Matoro, who they both hated. “Now, what were the chances of me falling through that crack in the ice?” “Mata Nui, SHUT UP!” “Not listening, LALALALALALALA!” THREE IDIOTS AND A SNOWSTORM

Part 146: The Intelligence Balance Takua poked his head out of some rubble. “Ooh… what happened?” “Well, we were watching Hafu writhe around in flames, when suddenly all the flames flew off, and then Le-Koro collapsed to the ground!” “Where’s Taipu and Hafu?” “Oh they’re alive.” “Both?” “Yes.” “*sigh*…” “So, what now?” “I don’t know about you, but I want to get as far away from here as possible! There’s this crazy Ga-Matoran who thinks I stole her Lightstone!” “I think we should do something about these war-mongering Po-Matoran.” “Probably. But they wouldn’t listen to me. I’m a Ta-Matoran. And they wouldn’t listen to you.” “Why?” “Well, no offence, but there’s a nasty stereotype going around that Le-Matoran are retarded.” “No-one said the truth was appealing.” “So you ARE all retarded?” “NO! The truth is that people can’t accept the fact that people who spend their time in tree-branches and speak in an odd dialect-accent are just as smart as them.” “Well then you’re STILL retarded.” “What?!” “I never said the truth was appealing either.” “WHAT?!” “It doesn’t matter. Grab Taipu, we have to get out of here and think of a plan.” “You mean YOU’LL think of a plan, because APPARENTLY we’re retarded!” “Retard, you said that you were just as smart as us. But we’re retarded too, so you must be retarded!” “SO THEN WE’RE BOTH RETARDED! EVERYONE IS RETARDED! IF EVERYONE IS RETARDED, WHAT CAN BE CONSIDERED RETARDED AND WHAT IS NOT!?” “EXACTLY!!!” I WILL BE DOING THE UNIVERSE A FAVOUR WHEN I DEVOUR THESE PEOPLE IF YOU DEVOUR THEM NOT A QUESTION OF IF A QUESTION OF WHEN AND HOW

Part 145: FALCON KICK Pekka ran out of the hotel like a speeding bullet, rushing past Kopaka, Ehrye and Klyma. “OI! COME BACK HERE, YOU! YOU HAVEN’T PAID FOR THE ROOM!” “Where the Karzahni is he going?” “Ehrye says-“ “Does it look like I give a Brakas’ rectum what Ehrye says?” “YES.” “Ehrye says yes.” “Whatever. Mr. Ham, this is Mr. Cheese. He would like to work for you.” “EXCELENT!!! COME MY FRIEND, AND WE WILL BRING HOSPITALITY TO THE HOSPITALITYLESS.” “That’s not a word.” “NO, IT’S AN ADVERB.” “*sigh*” Then Gali and Pohatu came in. “You guys didn’t see where that Po-Matoran went, did you?” “He went OUT.” “Specifically.” “That way. That’s the ONLY way out.” “Well there are windows-did you find out who was firing missiles at us?” “What?” “It was one missile and it was this guy.” “Ehrye says hello.” Pohatu promptly kicked him with the force of a strong horse on steroids through the roof of the hotel. “Problem solved. Now who was that Ehrye guy who said hello and can I kick him as well?” Kopaka’s facepalm was the stuff of facepalming legend. I HAVE A FEELING GALI WILL BE TELLING NUJU SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT TO WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO ORIGINALLY SAY

IF YOU ARE READING THIS IN ENGLISH AND NOT MATORAN YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG GO SEE THE DISCLAIMER AT THE TOP OF PAGE 1 Part 144: Back in Action “OK, so we’re not sure what exactly what we’re going to do, but we are going to do something. Now how do we put out these fires?” “I could do a rain-dance!” “That is a terrible idea.” “Too bad, because I’m doing it!” Matau did a little jig. Then a small raindrop fell on him. “How about we do something that will work?” “…Hmm… SANSO!” Sanso came over with a half-baked guitar. “What is it?” “I can’t believe I’m saying this but… play me a tune.” “YES! Finally a chance to prove my artistical GEEENIIIIUUUS!” “You don’t say it like that. It’s three syllables, not ten!” “Silence buffoon…” Sanso had barely done a few chords when every Ta-Matoran and Le-Matoran starting punching the living daylights out of him. “Hmm. An inGEEENIIIIUUUS solution. If only Nuhrii was terrible at music yet thought he was good at it…” “Everyone! We have called a truce!” “…Can we get back to work then?” “Yes. After someone puts out these fires.” “Ahem.” Tahu appeared. “May I?” “Look, while I’m all for fighting fire with fire, in this particular instance, that will just make things worse.” “I’m the Toa of Fire, right? If I can create fire, why can’t I destroy it?” “Because! Because… actually no, I can’t think of anything. But if this goes horribly wrong, I have the right to say “I told you so.” OK?” “OK.” Tahu started spinning his arms, and suddenly, all the flames flew into his hands. In just half a minute, Le-Koro was free of fire. And then the tree the village was built on fell down anyway. GEEENIIIIUUUS

It's not over yet! We saw them on Christmas Eve... now we see them on Christmas Day! Christmas Special Part 2: Crazy Carollers Christmas Day. Stockings were emptied, presents were unrapped, and wrapping paper was thrown all over the floor. Fortunately, the Toa Mata had the world’s cheapest incinerator. “I better get good presents this year…” DING DONG! “Hold on, who can that be?” He opened the door to find Vakama, Takua, Jaller, Kapura, Nuhrii and Agni standing out in the cold with presents. “Hello. May we come in?” “See? I told you we should have done that to begin with.” “I still don’t see WHY they didn’t hear the knocking…” “Because your knocking was incredibly quiet, imbecile?” “Nuhrii, die in a fire.” “I see you idiots are FULL of Christmas goodwill. *sigh* Come in.” Soon, they were joined by Nokama, Hahli, Macku, Vhisola and Nixie, then Onewa, Hewkii, Hafu and Pekka, then Matau, Kongu, Tamaru, Orkahm and Sanso, then Nuju, Matoro, Kopeke, Ehrye and Klyma, then Whenua, Nuparu, Taipu, Tehutti and Onepu, and then (surprisingly) Makuta, Ahkmou, Eliminator and half the Shadow Toa. Tahu had trouble with the last group. “No, I’m not letting you in.” “Why not?” “Because I wouldn’t trust any of you any further than I can throw you. In your case that may be a bad example.” “YOU HEARTLESS SCUM!” “Let us in! We have PRESENTS!” “Come on, it’s cold out here!” “We promise not to kill you until the 26th.” “WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT THE KILLING, YOU MORONS?” “FINE. Come in, but no evil!” Now almost the entire cast of Bionicle 2001 Abridged was inside a large living room. “WHEW! That’s all the presents unwrapped! I have to say, those were some really good ones!” “Not yet, I haven’t finished unwrapping this one-OH NO…” “What?” Kopaka stood up holding an electric hairdryer. “Which one of you numbnuts thought it would be a good idea to give me this?” There was a stunning silence. “I thought as much.” “Why is it a bad-“ “I AM ICE! THIS IS A HAIRDRYER! HAIRDRYERS PRODUCE HEAT! YOU DO THE MATH!” “I agree. None of us even HAVE hair.” “…Perhaps some Christmas Carols would alleviate this situation?” “Excellent idea! Glad I thought of it.” “No you didn’t! I did!” “No, I did!” “If anyone must take credit, it must be me.” “Chirp! Caw!” “He says you’re all morons and that it was his idea.” “Alright, enough of this! Play me Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0byH9h1ClBY “Those reindeer were jerks to Rudolph. Why does Santa let them come with him on Christmas?” “One magical flying moose does not a FTL sleigh ride make.” “Wow. I never thought I would have such a good singing voice.” “Oh please. ANYONE can sing that. Play Frosty the Snowman!” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6zW225k_O0 “Well that was depressing. The jolly snowman melted.” “You deaf bat, the song says he’d be back next Christmas.” “As what? A ghost?” “Can snowmen HAVE ghosts?” “He would come back as a snowghost!” “That’s stupid and you’re stupid.” “I never expected those violent barbarians to have such great singing voices. Perhaps I shall sing a tune as well-“ “NO!” “Absolutely not.” “Sanso, we’ve talked about this!” “Please don’t.” “*snort* Philistines.” “Perhaps it would be better if someone CAPABLE of singing did the next one.” “That’s my cue! Can I have Jingle Bells, please?” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7s2VjwQSMw “Question: who the Karzahni is Miss Fanny Bright?” “It’s an euphemism for-Taipu, at some point we need to discuss the birds and the bees.” “In a Christmas song?!” “It was originally written for Thanksgiving, not Christmas.” “So Thanksgiving is a darker and edgier version of Christmas?” “Would explain why the main attraction is eating…” “Now that you’ve ruined this song for me Onepu, I’m beginning to wonder what the titular “jingling bells” actually are… ew…” “Oh good grief, someone play something uplifting! How about… Santa Claus is Coming to Town?” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeZEn7Tq0GU “Technically, he already came.” “Technically, you’re a buzzkill.” “Technically, that was completely unnecessary.” “Technically, I’m surrounded by morons.” “TECHNICALLY, THOSE WHO CALLS ONE A FOOL IS USUALLY THE FOOL HIMSELF!” “Technically, you just called yourself a fool.” “Anybody else find this song creepy? I mean, “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…” sounds like the description for some sort of horror movie.” “No!” “Come on!” “GUTTERMINDED TRASH!” “Why do you have to ruin everything, Vhisola?” “Ehrye says no!” “*sigh*” “Perhaps we need something even MORE light-hearted… Ah! I’ve got it…” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tL6f6HqrHZY “Ah. A song of lustful obsession. THAT’S light-hearted.” “AHKMOU?” “Yes chief?” “SHUSH.” “Sorry chief.” “*sigh* These carols have been a disaster.” “No argument here.” “Or here.” “Or over there.” “Or up there.” “Or down below.” “WAIT A MINUTE! Every Toa except me has sung! That’s not fair!” “Well what did you want on?” “Let me do the honours…” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vGPplLaVC0 “Why am I not surprised by your selection?” “At least the carolling is over.” Then Krakua came in. “Hey guys! Did I miss the carolling?” “Yep.” “Krakua, how are you here? I thought you were countless years in the future?” “I hitched a ride with… HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED…” “I didn’t know Voldemort could time travel. That probably would have solved a lot of his problems.” “And how.” “Aww… I really wanted to take part in that…” “I suppose we could do one more…” “*groAn*” “How about… the twelve days of Christmas?” “We don’t have that.” “Oh please. I’m a Toa of SONICS! I’LL create the music, you guys sing!” “…Very well. Let’s begin!” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkhOIsKmDbk “On the first day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, a Taku in a Vuata Maca!” “On the second day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, two Razor Whales-“ “And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!” “On the third day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, three Nui-Rama-“ “Two Razor Whales-“ “And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!” “On the fourth day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, four Fishing Birds-“ “Three Nui-Rama-“ “Two Razor Whales-“ “And a Taka in a Vuata Maca!” “On the fifth day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, *gasp* FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN MASKS!!!” “Five Golden Masks!” “Four Fishing Birds-“ “Three Nui-Rama-“ “Two Razor Whales-“ “And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!” “On the sixth day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, six Kofo-Jaga-“ “FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN MASKS!!!” “Five Golden Masks!” “Four Fishing Birds-“ “Three Nui-Rama-“ “Two Razor Whales-“ “And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!” “ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, SOME DUNDERHEAD GAVE TO ME, SEVEN TOA NUVA-“ “Six Kofo-wait, seven?” “FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN MASKS!!!” “Five Golden Masks!” ““Four Fishing Birds-“ “Three Nui-Rama-“ “Two Razor Whales-“ “And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!” “On the eighth day of Christmas Mata Nui gave to me, eight Lava Eels-” “SEVEN TOA NUVA-“ “Seriously, seven?” “FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN MASKS!!!” “Five Golden Masks!” “Four Fishing Birds-“ “Three Nui-Rama-“ “Two Razor Whales-“ “And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!” “On the ninth day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, nine giant robots!” “Eight Lava-wait what?” “SEVEN TOA NUVA-“ “Why seven?” “FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN MASKS!!!” “Five Golden Masks!” “Four Fishing Birds-“ “Three Nui-Rama-“ “Two Razor Whales-“ “And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!” “On the tenth day of Christmas, the Makuta gave to me, ten iron maidens-” “Nine giant robots-” “What?!” “SEVEN TOA NUVA-“ “And what does “Nuva” mean anyway?” “FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN MASKS!!!” “Five Golden Masks!” “I’m getting tired-“ “Three Nui-Rama-“ “Two Razor Whales-“ “And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!” “On the eleventh day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, eleven or so friends-“ “Ten iron maidens-“ “Nine giant robots-“ “Sociopaths.” “SEVEN TOA NUVA-“ “I haven’t been briefed on the future storylines-“ “FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN *cough* *cough*” “Five Golden Masks!” “Four Fishing Birds-“ “Three Nui-Rama-“ “Two Razor Whales-“ “And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!” “On the twelfth day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, the 2015 reboot-“ “Eleven or so friends-“ “Ten iron maidens-“ “Nine giant robots-“ “Eight Lava Eels-“ “SEVEN TOA NUVA-“ “Six Kofo-Jaga-“ “FIVE GOLDEN MASKS!!!” “Five Golden Masks!” “Four Fishing Birds-“ “Three Nui-Rama-“ “Two Razor Whales-“ “AND A TAKA IN A VUATA MACAAAAAAAAAA!!!” I HOPE YOU APPRECIATE THIS IT HAS BEEN KARZAHNI APPLYING THE COLOURS

Well, I imagine Mangaia is quite a lonely place... Christmas Special Part 1: Why Time Travel Would Ruin Christmas WHIZZ! BANG! POP! “Pohatu what the Karzahni are you doing the bathroom?! Those are not the sounds normal people make when they go to the loo! You know Santa won’t come if we’re not asleep!” “Just a minute!” KABOOM! “Oh… hang on…” Onua broke the down the door. “POHATU!!!” “Look. I haven’t been doing anything illegal or stupid. I just converted the bathtub into a time machine.” “Why didn’t you just ask Santa for a TARDIS?” “Because then I would be travelling BACKWARD in time. And by then I’ll have already have enjoyed Christmas Day!” “Wait, when exactly are going to go?” “Right now.” “You want to use the time machine to go a few seconds ago?” “What? No!” “You said you wanted to use it to travel to right now. Although it’s not right now, it’s a few seconds earlier. What exact date are you going to?” “Friday.” “…In numbers!” “25.12.2015, 6:00 AM.” “THAT’S TOMORROW! WHY ARE BUILDING A TIME MACHINE TO TIME TRAVEL TO TOMORROW?!” “BECAUSE I’M SICK OF WAITING!” “YOU JUST HAVE TO SLEEP FOR ABOUT EIGHT HOURS!” “I CAN’T WAIT THAT LONG!!!” “YOU WON’T BE WAITING! YOU’LL BE SLEEPING!!!” “Oh dear Mata Nui, what are you two idiots up too now?” “Pohatu built a time machine to travel to tomorrow.” “OK, while that’s an incredibly stupid reason to build a time machine, the more pressing issue is who helped you.” “Pardon?” “Your brain is about the size of a baby midget ant, so clearly you couldn’t have built it yourself. And since Trader Who hasn’t updated in a while…” “Who?” “The Trader.” “No, his names Vohon.” Suddenly, the Matoran equivalent of Galifrey jumped out of a crack in the wall and flew out into the inky black void. “OK, ignoring the fact I have no idea what just happened, why did you say Trader Who when you knew who he was?” “That’s the name of the story! Just because we’re Bionicle 2001 Abridged doesn’t mean somebody’s called that!” “I, Hafu, agree! It should be called, the Adventures of Hafu!” “GET OUT OF HERE; YOU’RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS POST!” “OK.” And Hafu left. “Isn’t Trader Who supposed to update every Thursday?” “Well yes, but it’s VERY hard to keep a steady update schedule. To be honest, I don’t know how Toru Nui hasn’t died of overworking yet, with our daily updates.” “So THAT’S why our updates are so short…” “Not to get us back on track or anything, but can we get back on track?” “Oh. Pohatu, did Vohon help you with your time machine?” “No, I just asked help from Krakua. In fact I was just about to screen chat with him, I’m having a bit of trouble.” “ooVoo?” “Skype.” “Why not just chat him up on facebook?” “HAHAHAHAHAH no. I’m not lonely, I’m not adolescent and I’m not retarded.” “…One out of three.” “Huh?” “Only an idiot would use Skype!” “Especially with our internet.” “Actually the only reason we have bad WiFi is because Lewa keeps climbing the antenna.” “…Why?” “I’m sure Lewa would come up with a rational explanation if you asked him, but I find it easier to understand things than you two.” “That’s because you’re a gullible goon who believes anything he hears.” “That’s not true!” “What about the time I told you tar tastes like liquorice?” “For your information Kopaka, tar DOES taste like liquorice.” “I give up.” “Anyway it’s finished loading now. So now we wait for Krakua to pick up.” “How long has been loading?” “Ten hours. I swear it’s getting faster.” Krakua appeared on the screen. “Look Pohatu, whatever it is, can’t it wait? Overseeing time is not as easy as you think.” “Heck no, I have to get this time machine ready before Christmas Day!” “Well, no you don’t, it’s a time machine. You could finish it later, then travel back in time to now, then give your past self the completed time machine.” “But… then Future Pohatu wouldn’t be able to get back to the present-future whatever.” “He could simply then start work on the time machine from now so he could return to the future.” “That makes no sense! If he started work on it now, he would be done with the time machine at the same time he started, therefore making that pointless!” “I could just steal it back tomorrow, when I’m done with it and gone to tomorrow.” “But then future you wouldn’t have a reason to go back and give you the time machine!” “And if you DO go back in time, shouldn’t you be here, now?” Suddenly, Future Pohatu appeared in his time travelling bathtub. “Greetings, men of the distant past!” “Great, he’s multiplying. I should just keep my trap shut.” Tahu came in. “Hey what’s going on?” “Pohatu is time travelling.” “WHAT? WHY, HOW?” “…Huh. I forget WHY I came.” And then he vanished. “Well it’s nice to know you won’t change at all.” Gali, frustrated at all the commotion, arrived too. “Would everyone please get back into bed?” “Gali, why are you here? This is the men’s bathroom!” “There’s only one bathroom.” “Yes and it’s the men’s bathroom!” “Why can’t you go out in the bushes like Lewa does?” Then Lewa entered. “I do not! I go in the hedges!” “THAT’S THE SAME THING!” “EVERYONE SHUT UP! Krakua, I need it finished NOW!” “I don’t have time for this!” “Why don’t we call Kyle Whyte and ask him if we can borrow Vohon? He knows a thing or two about time travel.” “NO! NEVER MENTION HIM AGAIN!” “Pardon?” “Why?” “Being administrator of time is cool and all, but everytime there’s a breach in the space-time continiuum, I have to do the paperwork! Between that Scottish Spiriah Capaldi, those robots who look like Schwarzenegger and some fat talking dog in a suit and his sociopathic lagomorph friend, they’ve pretty much killed my entire social life!” “What social life?” “EXACTLY!!!” “Look, Pohatu, I know you want to celebrate Christmas NOW, but I’m afraid you have to wait. If we could have Christmas any time we wanted, it would get old quick, and all the joy would be sucked out of it. That and all the money in the world would go down the drain after a few weeks.” “*sigh* I suppose you’re right. Moment please.” Pohatu rushed down to the house and to the local pharmacy and back. “OK, here’s enough KO Pills to last us until 6:00 AM!” “ANYTHING to make you sleep for once!” “Ssssssh! Do you hear that?” “What?” “It’s the sound of… sleigh bells.” “…That’s me tapping on your shoulder. It’s time to go to bed.” “Oh.” Looking out the window however, Kopaka saw something interesting. “Wait a minute, WHY IS THERE REINDEER DROPPINGS ALL OVER THE PATIO?!” “MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL, A GOOD NIIIIIIIIII!!! Blitzen! Stay focused!” SERIOUSLY THOUGH MERRY CHRISTMAS

Thank you. And is Hafu... rapping? Part 143: Yanking the Chain of Command Onu-Koro was now in ruins, thanks to the Kraata’s rampage in the M.a.R.K. The Onu-Matoran evacuated, into the wastes of Po-Wahi. “Alright everyone, here’s what we have to do, we-“ “No.” “Who are you to-NUPARU?!” Nuparu promptly punched Tehutti in the face, knocking him unconscious. “Alright, here’s what we-“ “No.” Onepu came down from the heavens in a flash of purple light. “Oh hey Onepu. Where have you been?” “The author was kind enough to write me back into the story.” “You’re still an idiot, and I don’t know what you’re saying, but it IS good to have you back.” “Look, what we have to do is-“ “No.” “Turaga?! Where have-“ “I am actually quite good at stealth. What we have to do is-“ “NO!” Tehutti quickly got up, clutching his nose. “I’M the leader here, not YOU!!!” “No. You are not.” “Neither of you are! You’re both incompetent!” “That’s rich coming from you.” “Nuparu, use your oh-so-great intellect for something other than snark.” “Everyone needs to shut up.” “No, everyone needs to shut up BUT ME!!!” “NO! EVERYONE BUT ME!” “Sometimes I REALLY regret not finishing that doomsday device.” GOOD THE IDIOT IS GONE NO HE IS RIGHT THERE WHERE YOU ARE STANDING

Part 142: Not the Ideal Situation “Um… Nice Rahi, gooood Rahi…” Makuta quickly tapped into the loudspeaker on the Mana-Ko. “WHAT THE KARZAHNI ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” “Living? Hopefully not to be interrupted…” “…YOU KNOW WHAT MATORAN? I’M A FAIR ABOMINATION. I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU SIXTY SECONDS TO RUN BEFORE I LET MY RAHI DO WHATEVER THEY WANT TO YOU.” “…Play checkers?” “HOW YOU’VE MANAGED TO LIVE THIS LONG IS BEYOND ME. SIXTY. FIFTY-NINE. FIFTY-EIGHT… WAIT, AREN’T YOU THE ONE-“ “Look, you can have your computer thingy, but YOU will have to do something about-“ “I HAVE, DUNCE. I CREATED SHADOW DUPLICATES OF THE TOA TO KEEP THEM DISTRACTED, AND SPICED UP THE CIVIL WAR TO KEEP THE MATORAN PREOCCUPIED. THAT MORON IS NOT GETTING OUT, AND EVEN IF HE DOES, HE’LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME!” “OK. Here you go.” Matoro tossed the computer to the Rahi. It was immediately destroyed. “I DON’T NEED THAT, I DON’T NEED YOU, AND I MOST CERTAINLY DON'T MISS AHKMOU! WAIT... WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!.” “What DO you need then?” “GET OUT YOU IMBECILE.” GET OUT YOU IMBECILE IS MY REACTION TO ONEPU IT IS ALSO MY REACTION TO YOU

Believe me, keeping a steady update flow is hard. Especially daily. *cough* Bionicle 2001 Abridged *cough*

Part 141: Quick! Quicksand “I WILL DESTROY YOU, YOU SIX ARMED PURPLE SON OF A-BLBLBLLBBLBLBLBLLBL!!!” “Quiet.” Orkahm threw a rope. “Here, grab this rope.” Onua did so, and he was out in no time. Due to the fact on the other end of the rope was the stinger of a Nui-Jaga. Naturally, Onua let go of the rope halfway up and landed on a sharp rock. “OW! CURSE YOU SKULL, WHY CAN’T YOU EVER LAND ON ANYTHING FLAT?!” Onua then fell on the ground, limp. He then stood up, clutching his head. “Are you alright?” “NO I AM NOT! What are you even doing here?” “I have no intention to die in a fiery inferno.” “What are you babbling abou-OH DEAR MATA NUI LE-KORO’S ON FIRE!!!” “Yep.” “We have to do something!” “No, YOU have to do something. Who’s the supreme being with elemental powers?” “Me, but I don’t know if you noticed, I’m not very good at this.” “Oh I noticed. But you are no less incompetent than anyone else. Now get your rear in gear and save my village!” “Yes MAAM!” “I’m not a woman.” “Oh. I thought with the high pitched voice you were-“ “You’re an idiot.” IS EVERYONE ON THIS ISLAND INCOMPETENT WELL IF THEY WERE NOT IT WOULD NOT BE FUNNY

Well thank you. By the way, Onua is currently drowning in a pool of quicksand. “I'LL GET YOU BACK FOR THIS YOU PRUNE-FACED FREA-BBLBLLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBL...” But I believe the more pressing question is: Part 140: What Happened to Matoro? Underneath Ko-Wahi, there lies a complex maze of ice caverns, caused by Makuta to transmit his Rahi. Makuta had a convoy of them navigating the upper level of these cavern, trying to find out where the Karzahni his Mana-Ko went after it fell through a hole in the ground in part 100. Imagine his surprise when he found out it was still functioning. “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! AHAH, AHAH, HAHAHHHHAHAHAH!!! HA! MY MANA-KO STILL FUNCTIONS! RISE, AND FIND ME THE BACK-UP COMPUTER!” The Mana-Ko grunted and turned on its side. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN “FIVE MORE MINUTES”? GET UP YOU LAZY WASTE OF PROTODERMIS!” The Mana-Ko grunted again. “NO, YOU’RE NOT INJURED. I CAN READ YOUR MIND, DUMBBELL.” The Mana-Ko snarled. “BE QUIET YOU WORTHLESS HUNK OF METAL, NOW GET UP AND GET THE BACK-UP COMPUTER! OR SO HELP ME, I’LL-“ “LOOK OUT BELOW!” Matoro lnded through a hole in the roof and landed on the Mana-Ko’s head. Meanwhile… “Hey, wasn’t Matoro supposed to come with us?” “Oh he fell through a hole in the ice when we arrived.” “…Why didn’t you tell us earlier?” “It was Matoro. It’s not like he’s or ever will be important.” EPIC FORESHADOWING

Part 139: Too Naïve and Trusting to Live “So, what’s a Po-Matoran doing here?” “Apart from being crushed by falling Toa, I’m here helping the Ta-Matoran. Not that I endorse their actions, you know, but-“ “Wait a minute, I thought the Po-Matoran were at war with Ta-Koro? And that the Ta-Matoran were unaware of it and were blaming the Onu-Matoran for… reasons…” “Look, while I agree the situation is very complicated, I need to get out of here.” A falling branch that had caught fire and fallen off landed near them. “Right now.” “Fine. I suppose I can get you a ride back to Po-Koro, but I have to come right back.” “Right.” Ahkmou chuckled evilly to himself. “Hmm?” “I-I was just thinking of something funny my Turaga said earlier.” “Oh! Tell me! Tell me!” “It’s-it’s Po-Koro humour. You wouldn’t get it.” “Oh come on!” “…Your mother.” “…?” “I told you wouldn’t get it.” YOUR MOTHER SO FAT SHE WEARS XXXXXL UNDERWEAR YOUR MOTHER SO UGLY SHE RESEMBLES YOU IN EVERY WAY YOU SON OF A- QUIET

Part 138: Ehrye’s New Job “So this is Ko-Koro?” “Ehrye says yes.” “What a dump.” “Ehrye says yes.” “Stop that!” “Ehrye is trying.” “No. Do or don’t. There is no “try”. Pfft… TRY! Where do they come up with this stuff?” “Ehrye says-“ “SHUT UP! Now, let’s see if we can get you some accommodation. And a job.” Kopaka saw the sign on the Ko-Koro Hotel. BELLBOY WANTED ENTHUSIAM REQUIRED. “You want to be a bellboy?” “Ehrye says bellboy is acceptable.” “Talking like that might put them off at the job interview.” They went inside. “WELCOME! MY MY, ANOTHER TOA?! AND I THOUGHT HAVING TWO WAS AN HONOUR! COME TO MY ARMS WEARY BRETHERN AND REJOICE IN THE HOSPATILTY OF MY HOSPATILITY!!!” “Nevermind, you’ll do fine.” HAM DOES NOT BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT

Part 137: Unfair Advantage, That’s a Penalty “It’s two against one! Surrender, and we’ll RIP THE METAL FROM YOUR BONES!” “Uh… don’t you mean OR?” Shadow Tahu quickly shot Shadow Lewa a dirty bone-chilling look. “Point taken.” “You people are idiots.” “I’M ONLY AS INTELLIGENT AS YOU; THEREFORE, YOU’RE THE IDIOT HERE, IDIOT!” “But then you’re an idiot too.” “I’M NOT AN IDIOT BECAUSE EVIL IS SMART AND GOOD IS DUMB!” “WE’RE NOT EVIL.” “WELL I AM!” “Who’s he talking to?” “NO. WE’RE NOT BEING EVIL AND THAT’S FINAL.” “Makuta, dumbbell.” “Then why the whole Shadows thing?” “Hey guys, what’s up?” “It’s the REAL Tahu. Not the trigger happy pyromaniac standing next to me.” “SILENCE! NOW HE DIES!” “No.” Tahu flew off using the Mask of Levitation. … … … … … “YOU THREE ARE CREATED FROM THE VICES AND FLAWS OF MORONS. WHY DID I THINK MAKING YOU WAS A GOOD IDEA?” HE WILL NEVER STOP ME AT THIS RATE I WOULD NOT BE SO CONFIDENT

Part 136: Hospitalizing Hospitality “It was nice of that crazy guy to let us have the room. After SOMEONE blew a hole in the front!” “I did not! It was the missile.” “YOU LED THE MISSILE HERE!” “So? Not my problem he was a little clingy.” “I think we should be grateful the missile DIDN’T blow him up.” “I think you need to shut up.” “I think, therefore I am.” “You’re a think?” “Huh… never saw it that way before…” “We all think, therefore we are all thinks.” “Except for you.” “Can I kick her out?” “As much as it pains me to say it, no.” Then Kylma came in with a tray of food and drink. “ROOM SERVICE!” “We didn’t even order any-“ “UNGRATEFUL PEASANT.” He then took away the tray and slammed the door shut. “…DARN IT GALI, I HAVEN’T EATEN SINCE LAST NIGHT AT LE-KORO!” “…Le-Koro? Where HAVEN'T you been?” “It’s a funny story…” Pekka suddenly tensed. The ruse was about to go up in smoke. AS RUSES DO

Part 135: Reason Vakama and Matau were having an epic duel in the middle of a burning Le-Koro. “Look, I only want to chat-talk!” “Then why are you trying to hack my limbs off with that werid buzzsaw staff?!” “WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING US?!” “Because if I don’t, Ahkmou will reveal the “big secret”.” “OH. I see… that guy again...” Both put away their weapons. “We have to kill him then.” “WHAT?!” “Oh OK, we can do something else.” “There has to be a solution that doesn’t involve homicide! Not efficient, sure, but we’re not killers!” “Perhaps we could tear out his vocal cords without killing him.” “He could still write…” “We could tear his arms off...” “NO!” “Well then how do we do this?” “Carefully…” “Ah, the usual plan.” “That’s the Matau I remember!” “I thought the Matau you remember was an idiot?” “That too.” BIG SECRET HUH WHAT IS THAT AH AH AH SPOILERS

Part 134: Out of Control Nuparu ran into the ruins of Ta-Koro. It was not completely destroyed, but most of the buildings had been destroyed. The bridge was almost destroyed, he barely made it across. He began to despair. The situation was rapidly falling apart. War was about to begin and there’s nothing he could do. “NOT QUITE.” What did he want now? “PERHAPS IF YOU WERE ABLE TO FIND VAKAMA, YOU COULD CONVINCE HIM OF THE TRUTH.” Fat chance. “I’M SURE HE WOULD BE WILLING TO LISTEN IF HE WAS CALM.” He used the Mask of Shadows to see what Vakama was actually doing. “YOU ALL DESERVE TO DIE! DIE, AND GO TO KARZAHNI AND BURN!” “…OK, MAYBE NOT, BUT YOU COULD TRY.” That would never work. “YOU’RE NOT EVEN LISTENING, ARE YOU?” Not really, considering he was projecting his voice straight into his mind. “WELL NEVERMIND. AT LEAST STOP THE VOID FROM BEING FREED.” How? “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GENIUS. FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF.” He was supposed to be a genius too! “FINE. I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO DISCUSS THIS OVER DINNER?” Sure. Why not? DINNER WITH THE DEVIL TO QUOTE A WISE MAN I WONDER WHAT IS FOR DINN- NO