Ta-metru_defender

And now I finally know why I've always had it in my head that Tahu was the eldest and Lewa the youngest. I have that game somewhere. Dude, this is a fantastic compilation. Thank you so much for this.

Essays, Not Rants! 326: Social Experience This week, Pokémon Go finally added a friends system. You can now add people as friends and there are fun little bonuses for working together. You can also trade Pokémon back and forth, assuming you both are in close proximity. It’s a wonderful addition and I look forward to checking it out in depth. But it also raises a big question: Where was this when the game debuted two years ago? (Also: It’s been two years since Pokémon Go came out?) Think back a second to the summer of 2016 when Pokémon Go took the world by storm. You could hardly walk around New York without crossing paths with another trainer trying hard to capture that darn Rattata. Groups were out together in parks on the hunt for rare creatures. It was fun, and I wrote about it a bunch here. Pokémon Go is a game that inherently has a social aspect – you’re out there in the real world, why not go for a walk with friends? That its social system emerged around the game rather than being hard coded into it is a massive missed opportunity. It’s been two years since the game came out and far less people play it these days than then, and, much as I love the idea of these social features, these days I’m gonna be far more hard pressed to find a group to try them with than two years ago. Consider how much more involved group players of Pokémon Go would be with the current built-in social system (and revamped raids and gym system) back at launch. If you’re out Pokémon hunting with friends the game would now also let you work together to catch mythical Pokémon or trade those you did catch amongst yourselves. As it was, Pokémon Go was often a case of people playing the same game simultaneously, rather than playing the game together. Very little you did in the game affected the people around you, let alone friends. I love that any interaction has to be in meatspace (as opposed to a cyberspace), but not having teamwork built into the game was a real bummer. It’s such a shame too, because I still earnestly believe that Pokémon Go is such a great example of a game, and what games can be. The definition of a game is nebulous as play itself takes many forms (consider that despite being wildly different, tag, Pac-Man, and Monopoly are all games). In Pokémon Go we have a game that revolves around shared experiences, where players do stuff together in the real world. It’s a little like LARPing, in that the game allows players to role-play as Pokémon trainers while interacting with reality. It’s a game that makes the world a good chunk more magical. There are Pokémon in those parks, go hunt them together! Technology is weird. And a lot of people talk about technology driving people apart. But it’s also something that can foster community and togetherness in a new way. Pokémon Go is a game that encourages it implicitly in its design. Now it’s finally an explicit feature. So. Who else is still playing Pokémon Go? My trainer code is 8147 8465 0432.

Essays, Not Rants! 325: Adaptation By Someone Else One game that got some press at last week’s E3, the game industry’s annual event where games are announced and/or demo’d, was the upcoming Total War: Three Kingdoms. Apparently it was announced back in January, but I hadn’t heard of it until now. And I am intrigued. The Total War series are strategy games that unlike, say, StarCraft or Red Alert, tend to focus on real wars, be they Roman, Napoleonic, or set in Feudal Japan. They’ve been on the periphery of my awareness, as games that are cool — and I do like my strategy games — but I’ll probably never check out. But they’re making one set in the Three Kingdoms! Three Kingdoms, for the uninitiated, refers to a classic period in Chinese history during the fall of the Han dynasty where the realm was split between, well, three warring kingdoms. The stories were more-or-less codified in Luo Guanzhong’s Romance of Three Kingdoms, an epic that romanticizes the period in a big way. The book, and the surrounding history, has been the source for countless works in China (and neighboring East Asian countries), be they in film, television, or video games. So Total War: Three Kingdoms has my attention for turning its attention towards a source you usually don’t see in western media. Despite being incredibly prolific in Asia, you’re not really likely to encounter Romance of Three Kingdoms or anything based on it unless you’re actively looking for it. To see a Western strategy game focus on stories that I heard growing up is really, really neat. But it also raises some questions. There’s already been a ridiculous amount of games (and media) based on and around Romance of Three Kingdoms. Dynasty Warriors has been around for over twenty years and we’ve had movies like Red Cliff. What difference does it make that some other group is telling the story? And why is my gut response "oh, cool!"? Maybe it’s because it’s exciting to see something considered kinda niche be put a little bit closer to the mainstream. These are stories I know about because I grew up in a culture around them (Zhuge Liang was a fixture in bedtime stories) and took a class to study the book in college, but most of my other peers (here, in New York) aren’t terribly aware of them. A western developer making a game about it is sorta uplifting the stories from their corner and into a spotlight. Which then raises the question of why it seems like it’s being uplifted. Is Romance of Three Kingdoms just being big in Asia not good enough? Why does it getting attention from the West make it seem like more of a big deal? We tend to categorize stories and genres; drama is taken more serious than an action movie, live action taken more serious than animation, and so on. The Three Kingdoms period taking front-and-center in a western video game makes it seem like it’s finally being 'taken serious,' but it’s already been taken serious for years (heck, generations), in other parts of the world. I think this might be something that’s more self-reflective than anything. My excitement at seeing this has to force me to ask myself why do I feel this way about this. 'cuz all the reactions I write about here are my own, and I have to wonder why I’m so quick to discount Dynasty Warriors or other works based around the Three Kingdoms. It’s a sort of latent colonial thinking, where something from a non-Western group is not as good, or as cool, as something done by a Western group. None of this, of course, should be seen as a negative take on Total War: Three Kingdoms or the fact that I may actually get this game (I get to field Liu Bei as a hero? Awesome). I still think it’s really cool to see it in the spotlight like this, but I still have to ask myself: why am I excited about it now?

Wut. Yes.

Not to mention this is a movie that wants you to CELEBRATE one suicide run and then five minutes later get lectured on how it is wrong. Expectations subverted, I guess! I hated the movie and I hate even more all the "you just don't GET it" or "it is GOOD to make a film with no plot or consistency with the prior film as long as it does something DIFFERENT" or whatever posts and articles. But the movie being an absolutely terrible Star Wars film and barely a coherently plotted film isn't the actress' fault. The people harassing ANYONE online for this are showing their internal colours as not angry fans- but as bad PEOPLE. I hate that my dislike for this bad movie is lumped in with their vocal racist and sexist complaints because it gives everyone who wants to pretend this is some high-brow Star Wars film license to ignore all complaints- but I hate those terrible people more than I hate this terrible movie. There is no room for sexism or racism in these films or commentary on them. I vehemently disagree with you on your opinion, but I think there's space for that discussion outside of awful terrible people. And I think failing to recognize that is part of the problem.

Essays, Not Rants! 324: On Rose and Trolls The internet is often a place as terrible as it is wonderful. This past week, Kelly Marie Tran, who played Rose in The Last Jedi, left Instagram (and social media in general) after months of sexist and racist harassment. Months. This isn’t the first time this sort of thing has happened. Daisy Ridley (aka: Rey) left Instagram for much the same reason. Back in 2016 I wrote about Chelsea Cain leaving Twitter after being bullied for writing Mockingbird. This outpouring of toxicity from so-called fans is nothing new. But I think, as in an incident like this, there’s a conflation of criticism and bullying that creates this awful trolling. First, a word on trolls: these are folks who make other people feel terrible for sport. That being a racist, sexist dirtbag helps is secondary. There have been trolls about as long as there’s been an internet, but as women and people of color have developed more of a presence online, trolling targeted at race and/or gender has become far more pronounced. Trolls are the people who bullied Kelly Marie Tran off of Instagram. The question here isn’t why these people do what they do, it’s what gives the fuel for what they do. The Last Jedi merrily deconstructs a lot of the Star Wars saga. Director Rian Johnson torches much of what we expect from a Star Wars film, like making Luke into a guilt-ridden recluse and questioning the need for Jedi. This is a movie that subverts a lot of expectations for the film and feels no need to appease whatever it is a fanboy might want. As Kylo Ren says, it’s time to let the past die, and that means letting go of a lotta ideas of what a Star Wars movie has. Now, Rose has proven a pretty controversial character in an already controversial movie. She is Star Wars’ anti-establishment, anti-militarism bent at its most pronounced, a character disgusted by the military industrial complex present on Canto Bight. She’s an idealist, a character archetype that’s falling out of vogue in the tendency for stories to be cynical and gritty. Her arc culminates in stopping Finn’s suicide run, saying to save what they love instead of fighting what they hate. More than anything, she’s someone who genuinely believes in the Resistance making the galaxy a better place, and not in it for the vainglorious fight against the First Order (like Poe), or Finn’s need to save himself (as she’s foiled against). Depending on who you ask, she’s a welcome addition to the franchise or a cheesy character who adds nothing. Obviously, I’m of the former opinion (I am here for idealists!). There’s also the fact that she’s played by an Asian woman, and we need more non-sexualized Asian women in genre fiction. But if people have an issue with The Last Jedi and what it does with Star Wars, Rose is an easy scapegoat. She’s another addition to the saga’s stable of heroic characters who aren’t white guys and she’s a source of romantic idealism in a movie that’s rather bleak. If you’re someone mad at a perceived "social justice agenda" that’s ruining the movies, here’s a sure sign of it all. And then this negativism feeds the trolls and then the lines between criticism and bullying get blurred. Trolls can claim they’re just criticizing Rose and The Last Jedi and any criticism of the film can be grouped in with the trolling. And it’s awful, and that really goes without saying. Because, again, Kelly Marie Tran is absolutely wonderful as Rose, but even if she wasn’t, even if The Last Jedi sucked, that doesn’t give anyone the right to be a jerk on the internet. When it comes down to it, the vitriol she’s faced online stems from the sexism and racism still entrenched in much of nerd culture (see also: anytime comics attempt to diversify, Anita Sarkeesian and video games). It’s inexcusable, plain and simple. And I don’t know what the solution is, besides people not being terrible human beings. Maybe one day diversity will become so normal that people won’t have the need to pick on people for being different. But really, shouldn’t it be like that already?

Essays, Not Rants! 323: Genre Bending Altered Carbon is an oddball of a show. It’s got a science fiction setting, but primarily draws on noir for a lot of its narrative structure. Beyond that, though, it draws on a whole host of other science fiction media for inspiration, to varying effect. The show is science fiction noir in the stylings of Blade Runner. And it’s really, really heavily cribbing from the Blade Runner stylebook. You’ve got flying cars that don’t look a hair out of place flying around a dingy, multicultural metropolis that’s pretty often rain soaked. There’s also a pervasive existential theme, owing to Altered Carbon’s conceit that human consciousness is held in a chip and thus the relationship between body and identity is a lot more tenuous than normal. A lot of this can be chalked up to the noir genre, what with gumshoes hired to take on a case and all that. The atmosphere, for the most part, is appropriately heavy and somber for the most part. It’s a lousy future, the rich get away with all sorts of (futuristic!) crime and the police are powerless. Like I said, very noir. Altered Carbon, however, goes in some very different places over its ten episodes. For all its noir trappings, Altered Carbon is really loathe to give up the gunfight. In lieu of tense shootouts that are the hallmark of noir films (and Blade Runner, which, this cannot be overstated, is a massive influence on Altered Carbon), we get a lotta gun play straight out of your big action movie of choice. Heck, there’s a sequence where two characters are surrounded by Yakuza and soldiers out to kill them and, what do they do? They go back-to-back to shoot the attackers in a sequence ripped straight out of the video game Army of Two. Now, I’m all for Big Action Scenes and I strongly support borrowing from video games for inspiration, but it all feels so incongruous set against what’s supposedly a very noir story. Altered Carbon tries to move around genres, but its noir trappings end up feeling like concrete shoes when it adds these odd things to the mix. Genre bending is totally possible, and it can be done well. I’m not just talking about mashing two together, like Spider-Man: Homecoming taking a John Hughesian teen movie and smooshing it with a superhero story, but rather a story that jumps around its genres. Consider Community: ostensibly it’s a sitcom set in a community college about a ragtag group of friends. In actuality, it’s a show that contains within its six seasons pastiches of gangster films, Apollo 13, Die Hard, zombie movies, Law and Order, and a Ken Burns documentary — amongst much more. It works, in no small part because Community sets itself up as being perfectly aware of what genre it exists in and by playing every genre/narrative to the hilt. It bends its genres to tell the story it wants to tell; how better to explore a rift between best friends Troy and Abed than by a Civil War-style documentary? The show also sets itself up as a very silly world, so spending a half hour in a spy movie is hardly out of the ordinary — especially as it does it with aplomb. Similarly, Cowboy Bebop (which I will not shut up about) refuses to be confined to any specific genre. Right off the bat, it sets itself firmly at the intersection of the western, gangster, and noir genres (in space!), leaning more into each of the three when necessary. Digging into Spike’s story lends itself well to taking on the hallmarks of a gangster movie, but following Jet means we’re in for a much more noir narrative. Throughout it all, though, Bebop keeps its other inspirations close at hand, it’s noir episodes have hints of Westerns sprinkled throughout. And, because Bebop positions itself at an intersection of genre, it’s perfectly in keeping with its stylings when it borrows from other genres, be they cyberpunk or horror. Bebop is a show so sure of itself that it can play around with its makeup and never lose its DNA. Conversely, Altered Carbon sets itself up so strongly in the noir genre that whenever it strays outside (ninjas! anti-establishment rebellion!) it feels like we’ve lost the plot. Genre bending is a lotta fun, but the trick is to do it within what you’ve set as the boundaries. The more flexible those boundaries, the more wild the story can go.

Oh but can you imagine how mad the production manager would be at having to stage that? Act V Scene II - Mata-Nui, in Abstract (One by one, lights come on over six vignettes. The first, is Ta-Wahi, a fire burning over black stone. Next to it arises Ko-Wahi, a small glacier. Then Ga-Wahi, a waterfall rendered in miniature. Next is Po-Wahi, a large tan stone surrounded by dirt. Next is Onu-Wahi, a, uh, large stone with, um, a large hole in it and earth around it. Finally, Le-Wahi; a cluster of shrubbery. The tableau remains undisturbed for a few minutes, perhaps some soft ambient sounds play.) (Onto stage walk Bohrok) (They are our CHORUS) BOHROK: It has been many months since The Makuta has declared himself good. BOHROK: And in turn the Toa bad. BOHROK: He is the protector of the Matoran, defender of the island of Mata Nui. BOHROK: He has reinstated the Turaga as the châtelains of the Koro in service of the Rahkshi. BOHROK: The Matoran live in tranquility, able to go about their lives and pursue their vocations. BOHROK: The Rahi are quelled and trade of ideas and goods thrives amongst the Koro. BOHROK: The Toa have retreated to parts unknown and disturb the Matoran not. BOHROK: The Bohrok- BOHROK: -great and wonderful Bohrok- BOHROK: -under the guide of the Bahrag work to make life easier for the inhabitants of the island. BOHORK: A golden age is upon us. BOHROK: The island thrives. BOHROK: Mata Nui has never known a peace such as this. BOHROK: Why, then, is its ruler filled with such consternation? Scene III - Mangaia, the one, the only. (The Makuta sits on his throne. The rest of the stage is shadow, the black cloth being the only backdrop.) MAKUTA: There is now nothing that threatens this island or its inhabitants. I have seen to it that all have been done away with. And yet, peace bears such monotony. What has happened to the spice that is life? Why must all the concerns of the island be that of domestic squabbles, ones so easily dealt with by my sons and their Turaga? I live a life free of concern, free of strife. Free of conflict. (He rises, and walks downstage, staring out into the crowd, searching.) MAKUTA: Is there anyone out there who can challenge me? Is there any who can dare to attack me and the island I protect? Does someone yet breathe who dares to threaten the Makuta? (He waits for a response, none come) I thought not. (He sits back on his throne, rests his elbows on his knees, and hunches forward.) MAKUTA: There is no one. (Slowly, the light fades until a single, narrow beam of light shines on him.) (It winks out.) Scene IV - The Beaches of Po-Wahi (It is calm. Water gently laps the shore. A ship beaches along the shore, a silhouette rides it.) (The silhouette disembarks) TAKANUVA: Let it be witnessed herewith that I, Takanuva, have returned to Mata Nui to ensue the commencement of rectifying the malignant reign of the Makuta! (He slams his staff into the ground). And, in addendum, I have brought with me companions to assist in my efforts! (From off the ship come six more beings, battered, hastily repaired, but it is unmistakable who they are...) TAKANUVA: Come with me, Bohrok Kal, and Mata Nui will forthwith be ours! (Curtains)

I maintain that the wall-kick is the best thing to happen to the Mega Man games and anything without it is lesser. But this still looks fun.

Essays, Not Rants! 322: Space Cowboys I’m honestly surprised I didn’t stumble upon Cowboy Bebop earlier. It’s got a lotta my favorite things (cool ships, genre blending, a ragtag crew) and it is a maddeningly good show. It also bears more than a few resemblances to another show about space cowboys that I love: Firefly. Or more Firefly resembles Cowboy Bebop, given that the former show came a few years after Bebop. Now, there’s a wealth of writing to be had about the similarities between the shows. For one, and not just the idea of a crew on a ramshackle ship trying to make ends meet. There’s their setting on, for the most part, the edges of civilization. The civilization present is a mismatch of contemporary cultures; Firefly is a mix of American and Chinese, Bebop a jazzy blend with a little of everything. Aesthetically, both draw on the Western, telling stories about what are inarguably cowboys. Characters too bear more than a passing resemblance to each other; Spike Spiegel and Malcolm Reynolds are both cool gunslingers who give off an aura of being disaffected loners but really have hearts of gold beneath. These may sound like broad strokes individually, but the gestalt of these elements is more than a little suspect (that the makers of Firefly have stayed mum on the topic of Bebop doesn’t help). Again, there’s a lot to unpack here, but it’s not what we’re gonna talk about today. Rather, let’s focus on how both these shows have one season and a movie, but do totally different things. This similarity is, at least, wholly coincidental. Firefly was, sadly, canceled early in its run and was clearly intended to last for a few seasons. Bebop tells the story it wants to tell in its 26 episodes and resolves itself. As such, their movies do different things. Let’s talk about Serenity first, Firefly’s movie. Given the show’s abrupt ending, the film does a lot of work to create a proper resolution and give some closure to the narrative. Serenity succeeds, it brings back these characters for a final hurrah and gives ‘em a big quest. Would it have been better suited to play out over a couple years of television? Certainly. As it is, the film takes elements of the show (River’s past, the mysterious Reavers, Simon and Kaylee) and develops them further. We find out what made River the way she is and the tension between Simon and Kaylee is finally resolved. Serenity provides Firefly with the ending it never got. Cowboy Bebop, however, decidedly ends. The major plot threads scattered around the show, particularly Spike’s history with the Syndicate, Julia, and Vicious, and Faye’s mysterious past, are wrapped up by the end of the show. Or a lease as wrapped up as they mean to be. Bebop thrives off suggestion rather than explanation and there are a lot of unanswered questions at the end of the final episode, but it is a complete resolution. The show has told the story it wants to tell and it’s done. If you watch the movie looking to to see if Spike and Faye get together or to see the triumphant reunion of Ed and Ein with the rest of the crew, then, well, tough. The movie is essentially a really long episode, which is a lotta fun because, well, extra long episode. But it doesn’t add to the overarching narrative of the show in the way Serenity does. That’s in no small part because Cowboy Bebop doesn’t need any more resolution than it has. To add more to it, to explain away some of what was left hanging, would diminish the show as a complete work. Every now and then people talk about making a movie based on a tv show. Community had the refrain of Six Seasons and A Movie and everyone and then there’s some fan buzz about making a Chuck movie. But there’s never much question of what those movies would entail. Community wrapped up nicely, do we need to add another chunk of plot? Conversely, bringing the bang back together for one last mission in Chuck would be a lot of fun, but it would by nature have to remove all ambiguity from the show’s ending. And though Firefly and Cowboy Bebop have a lot in common, their different narratives necessitated different sorts of movies. There’s no one-size-fit-all trick to stories, and really, that’s part of the fun.

Essays, Not Rants 321: Motivated Acceleration I am endlessly fascinated by mediums. No, not people who claim to talk to ghosts; rather the forms that stories can take. Why does this story work better as a novel? Why this a video game? Why that a play? It’s usually adaptations where you can see the cracks that are the chasms between mediums. Consider the recent comic adaptation of The Last Jedi, which is essentially a beat-for-beat retelling, it doesn’t quite capture all the visual splendor of the movie. BB-8 trying a variety of attempts to fix Poe’s X-Wing is far less interesting on the page. There are other additions that use the strength of comics, though. But point is, there are some things that would only really work on in one medium. And Infinity War has a fantastic moment that could only have worked on film. Consider this a mild spoiler warning for someone who hasn’t seen any trailers and really doesn’t know what’s going on in that movie. In the third act, a group of heroes prepare to defend Wakanda from the Black Order and their army. A gap is opened in the shield to funnel in the advancing bad guys, and the heroes prepare to attack. Black Panther gives an order to his soldiers, they ready their weapons, he yells “Wakanda Forever!” and leads the charge. He, Okoye, Captain America, Black Widow, Bucky, War Machine, and the others rush forward together. This is a terrifically epic moment in and of itself, but it’s what comes next that I wanna talk about. As the good guys run towards the advancing Outriders, two people pull ahead of the pack: Captain America and Black Panther. It makes perfect sense within the lore: they’re both extra fast because of the super-soldier serum and heart-shaped herb, respectively; and they’re also two of the bravest characters in the MCU. Seeing these two lead the charge is a delightful visual gag. And it’s one that only works in film (we’re gonna ignore tv for now because budget constraints). It wouldn’t work quite as well in prose, given that a strong part of what makes the beat work is the visual of it. Being able to see the scale of it all as well as seeing Cap and T'Challa pull ahead on film. The thrill of it would play out differently, and probably a little less viscerally. This you gotta see for it to work as it does. So let’s go back to comics, y’know, where these characters came from. As dope a splash page as the beat would look, it doesn’t convey a key part of the gag: acceleration. Everyone starts out together, but it’s only those two who are absolutely racing towards the bad guys. They didn’t get a head start, they’re just that much faster. Ah, but the joy of comics is that they can be sequential panels. The first panel has them all together, second has Cap and T'Challa a little ahead, and in the third they’re attacking Outriders while the others lag behind. Classic three beat structure. But that’s three panels; panels take up space, and space implies importance. What was a quick moment in the film is now made more important than it was. Still cool, but no longer the quick gag. Video games are visual and those visuals move, so maybe here we have a strong contender. Let’s not imagine this as a cutscene (because what are cutscenes other than short films?) but rather a playable segment. By virtue of games’ interactivity you’re immediately given a leg up on being a visceral thing. You’re part of the charge. But, if you’re playing as Steve Rogers or T'Challa will you notice that you’re ahead? If you’re a foot soldier or Bucky Barnes will you be too preoccupied with your assault to notice? The interactivity of games also means there’s an element of subjectivity. Playing Halo’s The Silent Cartographer on a difficult level is a solo affair, with most of the AI marines being picked off by the Covenant early on, but if you’re playing it on easy you’re part of a small army. Or it could be not getting a certain plot point in a Mass Effect game for not going on a certain sidequest. In essence, there’s no way to guarantee something lands, that the player experiences a certain thing a certain way (without taking control away from the player). Which I guess is where film shines. Not only does it have visual storytelling, but the fact that the camera is motivated lets us see exactly what the storyteller wants us to see. Consider the shot in question again: we see everyone running forward, then the camera follows Captain America and Black Panther as the pull ahead and lead the way into the fray. The shot lasts barely a couple of seconds (if that), but it’s a fantastic little moment. We take it in and process it instantly. It’s a terrific beat, and one that would only spent the way it does in film. You could have a similar gag in another medium, but it wouldn’t work quite the same way. A comic’s narration could draw attention to it in one panel, a game could use characters’ stats to similar effect. There are elements to media that really make them unique, and taking advantage of those elements will yield something really special. Which is a really roundabout to say that guys, Infinity War is a lotta fun and an epic movie.

Keep up the awesome work? You must be new here, it's KUTGW or nothing. Act V Scene I - Ta-Koro, the village that's all fire and rock and stuff. (Lights come up Stage Right, towards stage left is a large door – the entrance to the Turaga's hut) (Tiribomba and Nuhrii enter the antechamber.) TIRIBOMBA: I don't care if you feel like mask making is your calling! That doesn't give you the right to melt my copper Huna and try and make something new. NUHRII: But I did make something new! I made a great copper Huna! TIRIBOMBA: Whadaya mean great, it was a pretty lousy Huna. NUHRII: No it was a Great Huna. Not a Noble one. TIRIBOMBA: Of course it wasn't a noble Huna, that thing looked like garbage! I don't see why you think it was so great though. NUHRII: You know how you wear a Ruru? TIRIBOMBA: Yep. NUHRII: It's a Noble one. TIRIBOMBA: Right, like Turaga Whenua's. NUHRII: So if there's a Noble version there's gotta be a Great version, right? TIRIBOMBA: Presumably. NUHRII: And that mask I made was a Great Huna. TIRIBOMBA: It was a bad Huna! NUHRII: That is why we're here for arbitration! Lord Turahk will take care of all our problems! (They open the door.) (Lights go off Stage Left, spot lights go on Center Stage, only illuminating Nuhrii and Tiribomba. We are in an Antechamber) TIRIBOMBA: Lord Turahk! We have come for a dispute to be settled! NUHRII: Indeed! Tiribomba needs convincing that this is a Great Huna! TIRIBOMBA: And I believe it is a Lousy Huna! ​(More lights illuminate Center Stage. Standing at the antechamber is not Turahk but rather, Turaga Vakama) VAKAMA: You have an issue? NUHRII: Wait, Vakama? VAKAMA: Are you surprised? TIRIBOMBA: Are you sure you're not a less scaly and creepy Turahk? VAKAMA: Quite. NUHRII: So what are you doing here? VAKAMA: I have been instated in an adjunct position to process any and all concerns before passing them up the chain. I am especially equipped for property disputes and handing art related law. For philosophical matters, turn to Nuju in Ko-Koro, for– NURHII: This is an art related issue! VAKAMA: Ah, yes, please, tell me of your woes. TIRIBOMBA: Nuhrii thinks he made a great mask but I think it's pretty lousy. NUHRII: I saw this mask in a dream that was like a half-forgotten memory! It is a Huna, a Great Huna! (Nuhrii proudly displays the mask. Vakama becomes visibly uncomfortable at the sight of it) VAKAMA: I, uh, have no idea what that mask is, nope, none at all. A Great Huna? Madness, what will they think of next? A Toa who gave Jaller his Hau? An underground city? All foolishness. NUHRII: But Turaga! I demand my case to be heard! VAKAMA: I'm afraid I'm going to have to send this up the chain, guys. (Vakama rings a bell. Kapura appears.) VAKAMA: I have a dispute, uh, out of my control. KAPURA: Understood, Turaga. (Kapura heads Stage Left. Lights go down. Lights up Stage Left. We're behind the Turaga's hut, overlooking the Lava Falls. Turahk sits there, cigarette hanging in his mouth). KAPURA: Sir Mr. Rahkshi-Turaga Tuurahk, sir. TURAHK: It's one 'u,' Kapura. KAPURA: Yes sir Mr. Rahkshi-Turaga Tuurahk, sir. TURAHK: Yes? KAPURA: Nuhrii and Tiribomba are having a dispute about a mask. TURAHK: (resting his head in his temples) Show them in. (Kapura opens the door, Nuhrii and Tiribomba enter) NUHRII: This is a great mask! TIRIBOMBA: This is a lousy mask! TURAHK: Yes, yes, I've heard, allow me to make your troubles disappear. Hand over the mask. (Nuhrii hands Turahk the (Great?) Huna. Turahk tosses it over his shoulder) TURAHK: There, the mask is no more. Tiribomba, compensate Nuhrii financially for the loss of his mask. TIRIBOMBA: But it's right there behind your foot! TURAHK: The mask is no more! Nuhrii, don't make this again. Please. NUHRII: But– TURAHK: Dismissed! (Exeunt Nuhrii and Tiribomba, Stage Right) TURAHK: There, handled. (He picks up the (Great?) Huna and dusts it off. It's actually not that bad, now that he looks at it. All shiny and coppery. Would be a shame for it to go to waste. He hands it to Kapura.) TURAHK: For a job well done. KAPURA: (Eyes lighting up) Really? Thank you, sir, Mr. Rahkshi-Turaga Tuurahk, sir.

It's 1:30am and I have my day job in the morning, but I'm writing right now (and just finished another round of bourbon with bitters) and feel like rambling. This weekend we wrapped production on THE INVINCIBLE OSIRIS JACKSON, a webseries about a gay, black nerd looking for love in all the wrong places. A webseries that I was hired to direct. As in direct a production for money. I got paid to direct. I emphasize these words because this is something I've wanted for years, heck, it's basically been the goal. It's a terrific script and I got some really good performances out of it that were engrossing enough that I'd forget to yell cut on set. Which is always a good sign, because I've read the script countless times and we've done rehearsal after rehearsal. We're going into editing next week, and I got to hire a friend of mine (she was Script Sup and AD on THE CONDUITS, so, woo, getting the band back together!) and once that's all done I think the showrunner plans to release it on YouTube. It's pretty dang dope to get to be involved in a project like this, and I really think I've done a good job with the material. Now it's a matter of bringing it home. But yo, I got paid to direct a webseries. I've got money in my bank account from filmmaking. From directing. It's a career I've pursued in one form or another for over a decade, since making old cartoons here on BZP way back when. And now I've made money doing this. It's surreal. And, with luck, it'll happen again soon. And if being paid to do something makes you a professional, then I'm now a professional director. Oh yes.

Essays, Not Rants! 320: Between a Wookie and a Hard Place A recent trailer for Solo, that new Star Wars movie about, uh, Han Solo, ends with a bit of a cliffhanger. A (space) train hurtles along its tracks around a mountain as a battle rages atop it. It comes close to the cliff side and hanging out the train is none other then Chewbacca, and he is heading straight for an outcropping. The Wookie appears destined to certain doom as the trailer ends. The question of whether Chewie survives became an ironic question in the wake of the trailer’s release. A particularly tongue-in-cheek theory was that the Chewbacca we meet in A New Hope is actually the son/clone of the Chewbacca in Solo. The meaning behind the joke was clear: why is this trailer trying to fake us out with these stakes when we know Chewbacca survives to the Original Trilogy? So here I am, finding myself talking about stakes again, but it’s late and I’ve spent the whole day on set so I’m allowed to ramble. Whether or not Chewbacca survives is a bit of a boring question, as there are only two answers and we already know which one is right. Hinging all the tension on something that simple isn’t terribly narratively interesting. But if we know that Chewbacca survives, we can then ask a more productive question: how does Chewie survive? Does Han tug him in? Does Lando grab him? Does a Stormtrooper’s heart grow three sizes? Does he pull himself in? In some ways, it’s the relief of a spoiler. In a time when so many storytellers like to keep their audience on bated breath by making them ask if these characters will survive, it’s kinda nice to know that "hey, these guys make it out alright." Prequels are movies that inherently have seemingly low tension. We know Obi-Wan and Anakin are gonna survive Episodes I-III because, duh. But the interesting question is how does Anakin become a Jedi and then betray them all. That such a loaded question is given such a weak answer may be one of the prequels greatest failings. Think of all the potential "how"s that were answered with, well, Anankin walking into Palpatine’s office at the wrong moment. Not a terribly satisfying answer. For a better example, maybe look at Monsters University. We know, because of Monsters, Inc. that Sully and Mike are best buds. We know that Mike is not gonna end up as a scarer, but we also know that he’s okay with that. The start of University sees a very excited, hopeful Mike whose heart is set on becoming a scarer. How does he end up where he ends up? It’s a pretty meaty question, seeing as it involves a protagonist’s goal shifting so wildly. University answered it by letting us know that what Mike wants isn’t what he needs. Though where he ends up might be a foregone conclusion, the process of getting there is interesting. Again, if knowing how it ends spoils it, why would a movie be worth rewatching? Why hear a story again? I realize I’ve spent an inane amount of words talking about a simple beat in the Solo trailer that exists just for that tension you want in a trailer. Chewie probably just pulls himself back in. Heck, the shot may be from another sequence and it’s just cut that way to look dangerous. Solo will probably still work even though we know Han, Chewbacca, and Lando are gonna make it out alright. I wanna know how they make it out — and what happens along the way.

Essays, Not Rants! 319: Top Nine Movies of 2017 So it’s almost halfway through the year and I’m finally putting together my year end list. For 2017. Yeah. Kinda forgot about it. And by forgot about I mean procrastinated. Anyway! Here we go! Top Nine; leaving a space just in case there was something amazing I missed. And it was really hard to sort these! 9. Logan This one edges out Thor Ragnarok just by virtue of how singular it is (though Ragnarok is also quite singular in a different way). Logan takes the idea of a dark and gritty superhero film but, rather than using this just to show how adult and grownup it is, it funnels it into a heavy atmosphere that evokes a Morricone western by way of The Last of Us. The result is a beautiful contradiction, the pulpy fun of a superhero story set in a harsh, unforgiving mood. That Logan has something to say and it’s not just “look how gritty and violent I can be with my R-rating” is the icing on its brutal cake. 8. Coco Where do I begin. It’s no exaggeration when I say that Pixar is home to some of the best storytellers in the world, and Coco proves that point over and over again. It’s a fantasy, but one that draws on Mexican traditions rather than western ones. Not content with just being a fairy tale with a Latinx cast, Coco revels in its beauty and celebrates love and family. 7. Lady Bird It’s so seldom that we see a movie about being a teenager that presents it as, well, just how it is. Lady Bird makes no attempt to overly romanticize or deglamorize turning eighteen and the result is a movie that feels beautifully, brutally honest. There’s no judgement of poor decisions, no moralizing, it’s just life. 6. The Big Sick Like Lady Bird right above, The Big Sick tells a very specific, personal story (that of the co-writers’) and in doing so tells a story that feels very personal. Maybe I’m biased, given that I’ve spent my time in and around hospitals and am currently in an interracial relationship, but isn’t the point of art the way it affects you the viewer? Plus, the movie has heart to spare and I will never not be happy to see mixed race relationships on screen. 5. Get Out Speaking of interracial relationships! It’s a horror movie where white people are the monster. If that’s not inventive enough to warrant Get Out a place on this list, than know that the movie operates with such craft and imagination that it never feels like a one trick pony getting by on that conceit. At times both funny and terrifyingly tragic, Get Out is a great movie that looks at race relations with a horror movie’s lens. And dang, it works. 4. Atomic Blonde There is always a joy in finding a movie that knows exactly what sort of movie it is and then plays it to the hilt. Atomic Blonde is a stylish, sexy spy movie whose Cold War Berlin punk influences permeate every aspect of its design. Throw in some terrific action scenes and more style than half the movies released last year combined and you have the recipe for a great action movie. 3. Baby Driver One of my favorite parts about driving is listening to music. Baby Driver makes that element of soundtrack vital to its slick, slick style. Technically excellent (that editing! that sound design! that driving!), it also tells a really fun story with some really fun characters. Edgar Wright is one of my favorite directors, and Baby Driver does not disappoint. 2. The Last Jedi Where The Force Awakens was a celebration of what made the original movies so great, The Last Jedi forges a path into what Star Wars can be. I’ve written a bunch about it on this blog, and suffice to say, it finds ways to reinvent and play with the Star Wars mythos without losing the heart of the saga. Plus, the Throne Room fight is one of the best action sequences in a Star Wars film. 1. Your Name It’s an anime where two teenagers, a boy living in the city and a girl in the countryside, wake up in each other’s bodies. And it will make you cry as it runs circles around whatever genre (rom-com, teenager comedy, etc) you try and pin it in.. It’s so hard for me to sum up why I love this movie so I’m just gonna make quick statements. It’s really funny. It does a lot with its fantastical elements. It’s uniquely Japanese. The music. The animation. The feels. Your Name is a movie that can somehow only exists within the innate magical realism of an anime. It’s really a wonderful, wonderful film.

After a week off, we're back! With an update where anything could happen! And I mean anything, I haven't even written it yet so who knows where we'll end up? I don't even know if I'll finally spell these Rahkshi's names right! Scene IV - Mangaia, the Lair of The Benevolent Makuta. Due to recent developments it is spotless. (Bohrok adjust the angle of art on the wall, sweep up dirt off the floor and ceiling, dust statues) BOHROK: Clean it all! BOHROK: Yes, yes, it must be cleaned! BOHROK: Absolutely spotless! (Enter Makuta. Bohrok follow him cleaning up the dirt he's tracking in from outside.) MAKUTA: And so sets another day upon Mata Nui, another day of peace and prosperity. Look how the Matoran toil at their tasks so dutifully; how the Onu-Matoran reach below the island in search of rare materials, how the Po-Matoran carve effigies of my form, how the Ga-Matoran reap the seas of its bounty, how the Ko-Matoran ponder the mysteries of the world, how the Ta-Matoran protect all from those foul Toa, how the Le-Matoran do whatever it is they do in their trees. All is well in my realm, all is at peace. (He rests his arm against a statue. Bohrok prop it back up to a perfectly upright position.) MAKUTA: Yes, indeed, all is well. All is well. Scene VI - Outside the Turaga Hut in Ta-Koro (Turahk sits on the ledge, watching the lava falls tumble. He rummages in a pouch and withdraws a twig. He uses the heat of the lava to light it on fire before putting the unlit end in his mouth. He sighs.) TURAHK: I swear to Arthaka, if I have to hear Tiribomba go on about some other lousy dispute... (He looks at his hand and his new finger. It's yellow. Which doesn't match the rest of his hand. Seems like it was dragged out of a parts bin.) TURAHK: Maybe I'm not cut out for the village leadership thing... (Kurahk enters, flying) KURAHK: Yo, did you know there's only one 'u' in your name? TURAHK: Of course I did. Why did you bring it up? KURAHK: Dunno. (A beat) So I was thinking. TURAHK: Those Ko-Matoran are rubbing off on you. KURAHK: Those Ko-Matoran want to know if I'm Rahkshi or if I'm Kraata. TURAHK: Huh. That's a question. (They stare at the lava falls, lost in thought. Turahk's makeshift cigarette hangs from the Rahkshi's mouth) KURAHK: But like I said, thinking. TURAHK: Yes, thinking. KURAHK: I don't know if I want to do this whole village elder thing. TURAHK: I'm afraid I don't either. KURAHK: But you know who would be? TURAHK: The Bohrok-Kal? (They burst out laughing) TURAHK: Okay, seriously though, who? KURAHK: We need someone with management experience. TURAHK: Chroniclers company? I know Hafu runs a sweatshop to make those Hafu Originals®. KURAHK: Think bigger! TURAHK: Dude, the Manas are remote controlled. Remember? KURAHK: Of course I remember! We got to control them against the Toa! TURAHK: Such fun. KURAHK: That Kaita thing was really unfair though. TURAHK: Seriously. KURAHK: But not Manas! We need... TURAHK: Out with it already, you know I don't like anticipation. KURAHK: We need the Turaga! TURAHK: Aren't they on sabbatical? Scene V - The Ocean, miles from land. (Vakama sits on the edge of a large catamaran, a pipe in his mouth, fishing rod in his hands. It shakes! Is it a nibble? No, wait, just the current. He sighs.) VAKAMA: Not even a nibble. (Onewa comes out of the boat's cabin and sits down next to Vakama.) VAKAMA: How's Whenua? ONEWA: Still not onboard with this whole boat thing. Matau's trying to make an illusion that he's on land, but, alas. VAKAMA: This is the last time we let Nokama plan our sabbatical. ONEWA: (Taking a drag from Vakama's pipe) Actually this was Nuju's idea. Nokama wanted a staycation. VAKAMA: Well howabout that. (His reel starts shaking) Oh! I might finally have a fish! (Vakama starts to reel, Onewa helps him. It's a struggle, but they're winning. They're getting to and it's...) TURAHK: Hey, trying to swim here. VAKAMA: Rahkshi! Foul beast! KURAHK: (Emerging from the water) Hey, we're good guys now. ONEWA: Can't y'all fly? Why were you swimming? TURAHK: Didn't want to frighten you. ONEWA: Oh, good job. VAKAMA: Why do you interrupt our sabbatical? TURAHK: Turaga, we've come to offer you a job. (Vakama and Onewa consider this. From the cabin comes the sound of Whenua barfing.) VAKAMA: Go on. (Curtains)

That is a magnificent point that I'm mad I didn't think of. A good story drags you into its narrative such that you kinda forget about the real world. It makes you care even if you know there's gonna be a happy ending. You should still feel for Jaller's sacrifice the second time you watch MoL.

Essays, Not Rants! 318: High Stakes For a reason that can be tracked back to one specific thing that won’t be discussed due to spoilers, I’m thinking a lot about stakes. There’s this idea in a lotta stories that really good stakes are “will they die?” It was Game of Thrones’ modus operandi in the early seasons, and it was the explicit reason why Chewbacca was killed in the first book of the New Jedi Order book series. The logic makes sense enough, if there’s the chance that anyone can die in any moment of peril, all of them will be high stakes. The highest of stakes. But on the flip side, constantly having high stakes like that also tends to lead to a fatigue of it all. When you’re always worried someone’s gonna die, you sometimes stop getting attached to characters. Why should I care about this new character we’ve introduced if we don’t know how long he’s gonna last? Though is that better than never worrying about your characters because there’s no way they’re gonna kill someone this important off, right? When Jack Sparrow gets eaten by the Kraken in Dead Man’s Chest, you don’t really care do you? After all, there’s a third movie coming out and you know he’ll be back. Han in Carbonite is an issue, sure, but he’s coming back for Return of The Jedi. I tend to disagree. Knowing that someone survives, or someone having plot armor, doesn’t necessarily mean you stop caring for lack of stakes. There’s a bunch of fun in finding out how someone survives. Like in Return of The Jedi we know that Luke and Han aren’t gonna be eaten by the Sarlaac. But it’s still exciting because we wanna see them get out of the pickle. The question of suspense, y’know, the element that keeps us invested, isn’t "will they die?" but instead "how will they survive?" When done well, the question of 'how?' can be a really interesting one. When Buffy dies in season finale of the fifth season of, well, Buffy (oh, spoiler alert) there’s no question that she’ll be back in season six. After all, she’s the titular character. The question is how will she come back — and what will the ramifications of that be? I think these days, with stories like Lost and Game of Thrones big in the public consciousness, we can conflate the willingness of a story to kill of its characters with its quality. There’s a general animus towards fake-out deaths (like Jack in Dead Man’s Chest or, more recently, Wolverine in the comics), because why give us all that drama over a death that won’t stick? Why fear for a character’s life when we know they won’t die? So again, I come back ton the question of how. The creation of an unwindable situation creates a narrative need for an ingenious way out. If the catharsis is to come, and in a good story the catharsis must be earned, then the way out’s gotta be a good one. Circling back to Jedi, the plan to escape Jabba’s clutches is so outlandish and unpredictable that it’s so much fun to see them escape. It doesn’t undo the drama of Han’s carbonite freezing detour; it’s another fun twist to the plot, another complication for the heroes to figure out. There’s a fun to it that’s a really good addition. Like I said, I’m thinking about stakes and the cliffhanging suspense that goes with it. I don’t think knowing that things have to turn out alright, be it due to announced sequels or even the conventions of the medium makes things less dramatic or less fun. I really enjoy the romantic fun of finding out how protagonists escape from a situation. The trick is, I figure, to make the resolution interesting and not making it feel like a cop out. It’s the how that makes it interesting, so making the how count is what matters.

Ted.

I really wanna know. Because those models are gorgeous.

Essays, Not Rants! 317: Letting Lara Down I was pretty excited for the Tomb Raider movie that came out a couple weeks ago. I’m a huge fan of the game it was based on, the Tomb Raider reboot that came out in 2013. The game was an origin story for Lara Croft, one that gameplay-wise took cues from the Uncharted series it had partially inspired but then been eclipsed by. One thing I really liked about the game was how it made Lara less of a sex object. Gone were the catsuits, short shorts, and crop tops; in were the khakis and tank top (it mayn’t sound like much on paper, but the difference is marked). In addition, the game turned Lara into a survivor; shipwrecked on a mysterious island, she hunts for food, searches for her friends, fights bad guys, and uncovers a mystery. If the movie could capture that then we were in for a ride. And, well, it kinda does, but more than anything the adaptation really plays down its women. Which is as frustrating as it is odd. Heads up, we’re getting into the nitty-gritty of plot here, so spoilers abound as we dig around. Let’s talk Lara, since she is, after all, our protagonist. In the film, she’s a down-on-her-luck heiress who can’t receive her fortune because she refuses to sign the papers confirming her father is dead. She’s a courier struggling to make ends meet who only ends up going on her adventure when circumstances force her to her inheritance and the discovery of her dad’s research into the mythical island of Yamatai. There’s nothing quite bad here (except that pacing-wise this takes up a solid third of the movie); it’s honestly fairly typical as far as hero stories go and all that. But it really does the Lara of the 2013 video game a disservice. Lara, in the game, is an archeological grad student; so right of the bat Lara is presented as being both intelligent and educated. She’s clued in on the myth of Yamatai by her college friend Sam Nishimura, who herself is a descendant of the Yamatai people. Lara’s subsequent research convinces the Nishimura family to fund an expedition looking for Yamatai and to find the fate of its mysterious Sun-Queen, Himiko. In the game’s version of events Lara is given a lot more agency in the story. The expedition to Yamatai is of her own design, not something she takes on from her father. So not only is Lara an archeologist by trade, but she’s one competent enough to make an expedition happen. You could argue that the movie makes her more relatable, but Indiana Jones is a university professor and no one says he’s unrelatable. Within the different backstories is a key difference: Sam. In the movie, Yamatai is something Lara investigates because of her father. The game positions it as something she’s into and found out about because of a (female) friend. Look, there’s nothing wrong with a young woman going on a quest to find her father (heck, it’s a trope I’m fond of), but the game’s plot both shows us a Lara with more agency and offers a version of events where Lara’s quest doesn’t revolve around a male character, rather displaying the friendship between two women. And without Sam, we’re also without a lot of what makes Himiko interesting. In the movie, she’s a long-dead queen with a disease that, when infected, makes people disintegrate, and so was sequestered away on Yamatai. The Himiko of the game, however, was a supernatural queen who ruled Yamatai with an iron fist, transferring her soul into younger bodies to gain a sort of immortality. When a rogue successor took her own life rather than be a host, Himiko was trapped in her body and her kingdom declined. Along comes Sam centuries later, and Mathias (who’s the main antagonist in both versions) wants to offer her up as a new host. So it’s up to Lara to save the day. Once again, the game, by being a little more over the top, has a narrative with a lot more women doing stuff. Himiko isn’t Plague Victim Zero, she’s an immortal queen who was thwarted by a brave young woman. The present day sees Lara saving her best friend and putting to rest a vengeful, weather-controlling spirit. In the movie it’s Lara’s father who, once infected, blows up himself and Himiko’s remains. Lara still stops Mathias in the movie, but she’s given one less thing to do. Look, the movie’s flaws are plenty and they mostly fall into the realm of plotting and structure. But the 2013 reboot of the Tomb Raider franchise offered a new vision of Lara Croft and her mythos, one that featured a new rendition of Lara that was surrounded by other women of note. The film offers a perfectly fine Lara, but she’s a far cry from the one in the game. Like I said, it’s frustrating to see a movie take a narrative that’s so female driven and, well, take away its women’s agency. The source material was so rich; had so much going for it. And yet. Here we are. A decent enough strong female protagonist who could have been so much more.

Re-reading some of these I realize how important it is to go over things and edit them before you hit post. Least that's what I'd do if this was serious. Onwards! Typos and all! And getting my Bohrok Kal confused! WRITER'S NOTE: The Bohrok are creatures of the Swarm, and as such operate under a hive mind. Whenever an action or dialogue is attributed to "BOHROK" (or any of the subspecies), it is entirely up to the reader's judgement as to whether it refers to three of the creatures or two hundred. Act IV Scene I - The entrance to Onu-Wahi, where it's less rock and more earth and mostly underground (Pohatu, bringing up the rear, slides into the cave behind the other Toa. Tuurahk is thrown on the ground) TUURAHK: Hey, gentle with the hostage! POHATU: Not these guys again! ONUA: Right? Ugh, I thought we were done with them! POHATU: Seriously! Who decides "hey, we're done with this antagonist, let's just do them again!" LEWA: Are you talking about our current predicament? GALI: I think he meant the Bohrok Kal. POHATU: It can be two things! (Pohatu summons a wall of rock. The sound of crashing hits the other side.) ONUA: We need a plan! (Everyone turns to Kopaka) KOPAKA: ... TAHU: Now is not the time for silence! KOPAKA: ... TAHU: There we go, that's more like it! Scene II - Outside the entrance to Onu-Wahi (where it's less rock and more earth and mostly underground) (Bohrok work against the stone wall. Makuta and the Bahrag observe) BOHROK: Clean! It must be cleaned! BOHROK: We just wanna clean! Do you have stuff to clean? BOHROK: We do laundry too! BOHROK: Clean it all until it's clean! BOHROK: Yes sparkly clean yes clean! MAKUTA: Your Bohrok are most impressive, my queens. Most impressive. CAHDOK: Oh, we always knew as much, Maky. GAHDOK: As if there was any doubt, dah-ling. MAKUTA: I must confess, though, the way you two do speak. It does concern me slightly. CAHDOK: Why ever would you say that? GAHDOK: Yes, what's the issue? MAKUTA: You fawn and adore me, but you two are, save that conniving blue Toa, the only two prominent female characters in my tale. For you to be so worries that all like you might be cast into such a foul light. For I am great and all powerful, but I do hope that you have lives outside of me. CAHDOK: But would we ever, Maky, not when we have you. GAHDOK: The Makuta for us to follow! It's a dream come through! CAHDOK: Just because we're like this doesn't mean all female characters are, dah-ling. GAHDOK: Yes, it's just us who have our penchant for your mahvelous schemes! CAHDOK: I'm sure it wouldn't be as noticeable if there were other female characters, dahling. GAHDOK: But aside from the Matoran it's really slim pickings. CAHDOK: It's almost as if this world was designed to appeal to eight year old boys without a terribly clear idea of gender balance, dahling. MAKUTA: But here we are nontheless. You and your swarms serve me, you are satellites of my orbit. GAHDOK: As it should be, darling. CAHDOK: Now, you were talking about our swarms? MAKUTA: Yes, it is only a matter of time until we break through! BOHROK: (Knocking on the stonewall) Housekeeping! Just gotta replace the shampoo! BOHROK: It'll be quick, really! You can keep the little bottles you found in the fridge! BOHROK: Clean it all! (A crack forms in the wall. A white flag waves from within.) GAHDOK: Why, dahling, it looks as if they're surrendering. CAHDOK: All will tremble before the mighty Makuta and his queens! MAKUTA: From whence did they procure a white flag? (Enter: Hahli) HAHLI: You gotta hit the East Garden in Ga-Wahi and collect twenty seaweed. You then bring that seaweed to Shasa the Weaver and she'll make you a sailcloth. Given that it's white and fabricy it could plausibly be used as a flag. Though how those Toa got one on such short notice is beyond me. (Exit) GAHDOK: The mystery deepens! MAKUTA: Call of your swarms, my queens; let us discuss the terms of surrender. CAHDOK: Bohrok, slow your roll, darlings. BOHROK: But there's cleaning! BOHROK: So much to be cleaned! BOHROK: Maybe if we wait now there'll be more cleaning later! BOHROK: Yay cleaning! (The Bohrok slow their roll. Pohatu brings down the stone wall. The Toa stride out, flanked on both sides by Bohrok) LEWA: Oh hello, Bohrok. BOHROK: Hello stain! BOHROK: We're going to clean you soon! BOHROK: Oh we can't have you waking around, no we can't. POHATU: Creepy little things, aren't they? LEWA: I liked them better when they just said 'chikt' POHATU: That's just 'clean' in Bohrok speak. Remember when we taught them Matoran? LEWA: We had way too much time on our hands. MAKUTA: I see you have come to offer your surrender, Toa. TAHU: We request a parlay! MAKUTA: And why would I parlay with you, Toa? When I could crush you with a snap of my fingers. GAHDOK: I do hope he snaps his fingers. CAHDOK: It's always great when he does that! TAHU: What do you have to gain by defeating us? MAKUTA: Peace in our time! At last the Matoran will be free of your meddlesome designs! Think of the art and culture they could create when no longer threatened by the likes of you! TAHU: And what would you do? MAKUTA: Rule over it all! Be the arbiter of disputes, ensure the safety of my protectorate! TAHU: Yeah, that sounds pretty boring. MAKUTA: There is no monotony in peace! It is the final goal of all. POHATU: But defeating us here is a really lousy end to a story. You've got us outnumbered and all. Not really saving the day, are you? CAHDOK: The brown one makes a good point, darling. POHATU: Hey, it's stone. MAKUTA: Very well, Toa, you may walk for now. Return me my son and I will show you mercy. GAHDOK: Isn't he benevolent? TAHU: So it shall be. Release Tuurahk. (Tahu looks to Kopaka. Kopaka looks to Gali. Gali looks to Lewa. Lewa looks to Pohatu. Pohatu looks to Onua. Onua looks to Tahu. Tahu looks to Gali. Gali looks to Pohatu. Pohatu looks to Kopaka. Kopaka looks to Onua. Onua looks to—) MAKUTA: (thunderous) Where is my son? Scene III - Back in the entrance to Onu-Wahi, remember here? (Tuurahk lies on the ground, tied up with a bag on his head) TUURAHK: Nah, there's no way they forgot about me.

Essays, Not Rants! 316: Star Wars As An Anti-Capitalist Discourse Oh you thought I was kidding? Here we go. Star Wars takes a lot of cues from Westerns. Characters like Han Solo and places like Mos Eisley’s cantina make it pretty obvious. But it’s also apparent in where it takes place: the fringes of society. Be they remote planets desert or frozen, these stories take place away from economic and cultural hubs. Which, given that we follow the good guys, makes sense: implicit in the Star Wars movies is the idea that places of wealth and opulence are the breeding grounds of evil. In other words, the real villain in Star Wars is capitalism (and the Sith too but bear with me here). Let’s look at where we spend time among the wealthy in the Original Trilogy. Outside of Imperial Battle Stations, the only place we visit that is remotely 'first world' is Cloud City, a gorgeous city whose wealth is built on Tibanna Gas mining. It’s beautiful in the way sci-fi modernity is. But its gleaming hallways belie a darker secret. It is when the Rebels come to Cloud City (the richest civilian place we’ve seen) that they are sold out. Han is tortured and frozen in carbonite, Luke is lured into a trap and told that the bastion of evil is his father. But Lando’s a good guy, you say. Well, he was. He’s Han’s friend, turned ‘respectable’ by the capitalistic influences of Cloud City. It’s when he’s compromised as such that he betrays his former friends, but he finds redemption when he leaves Cloud City and joins the Rebellion on the outskirts of the galaxy. The Prequel Trilogy brings us closer to civilized space, with the planet of Naboo, an idyllic, peaceful planet. The villains in The Phantom Menace are the Trade Federation, an economically driven group who, in the wake of a tax dispute, blockade the planet and invade it. It is a financially-driven, militaristic, occupational force that the heroes strive against. When the Republic and the Confederacy go to war, the Trade Federation is joined in leadership of the latter by other corporate entities; such as the Banking Clan and Corporate Alliance. The war is marked by economic entities turning against the government; the villains in the story are capitalists fighting against economic control. In addition, there’s Coruscant, the glittering capital of the Republic. Like Cloud City hopped up on steroids, it is a hub of wealth beyond compare. Here is the Senate, a governing body locked into inaction; a Jedi Temple stuck in orthodoxy unable to adapt to the changing times. Not much good comes from the rich capital. It’s in The Last Jedi where the anti-capitalist bent of the films comes to a head. In an effort to undermine the villainous First Order, Rose and Finn go on a desperate mission to Canto Bight, a rich city most known for its casino. Finn quickly learns that the city’s wealth is built on the back of the military industrial complex. The rich folks wheeling and dealing are profiteering off a war the Resistance is fighting for survival. Though maybe not outright evil, they are decidedly not good people. The codebreaker who Rose and Finn ally themselves with ends up selling them out, simply because the First Order offered him more money. It’s money, and the unfettered pursuit of it, that tends to create villainy in Star Wars. Throughout the films, lesser antagonists are driven by a want of money: Greedo wants the bounty on Han’s head, Watto refuses to sell anything for cheap, Unkar Plutt is miserly with his rations. Luke and Obi-Wan use Han’s love of money to get to the Death Star and rescue Princess Leia; but it’s when Han stops caring about the money that he really becomes a hero. Star Wars makes it pretty clear: the capitalists tend to be villainous, those who don’t emphasize making money are heroic. By taking place primarily on the outskirts of society, with its interactions with society dominated by free enterprise tending to lead to misfortune, Star Wars takes a stance against unfettered capitalism. To be heroic in Star Wars is to do things for more than economic gain. To pursue money above all else, to be motivated by capitalism, well, that might not make you the Empire, but you’re certainly not a good guy. Writer’s Note: Well. That was fun to do again. It’s a lotta fun to dig into something I love as much as Star Wars and connect dots to create a meaning that may or may not be intended (though The Last Jedi railing against the military industrial complex is certainly deliberate). Is Star Wars itself anti-capitalist? Maybe a little. Will I do more of these oddly in-depth analysis? Maybe.

It's mah-velous, darling. Scene V - Po-Wahi Desert. Lots of sand and rocks. But not Earth, that's Onu-Wahi. (Kuurahk, Panrahk, and Guurahk rest against a rock. Occasionally one of them peaks over.) KUURAHK: I cannot believe those Toa got Tuurahk! It makes me so mad! PANRAHK: Good thing we put his finger on ice, though. Will make attaching it back on much easier. GUURAHK: Just gotta push it until you hear that click. PANRAHK: So are we organic too? GUURAHK: Honestly, I don't know. Leave the philosophy to the Ko-Matorans. Scene VI - Ko-Koro (Kopeke sits at the edge of a snowy cliff) KOPEKE: But if the Makuta truly is nothing then what is he the absence of? Because nothingness is nothingness, that is, the lack of anything, then is it really possible to be nothing? Air is a thing, if the Le-Matoran are anything to go by, and the silver Nuhvok thing showed that vacuum could be controlled, but nothingness is marked by being the absence of anything. So can anything truly be nothingness? TEHUTTI: (Who has been sitting next to him this whole time) Or maybe it was figurative and he just wanted to sound really cool? KOPEKE: Oh, yeah, that's a possibility. (Beat.) TEHUTTI: Well. Not the worst date I've been on. Scene VII - Po-Wahi Desert. We were just here. (Kuurahk, Panrahk, and Guurahk are still against a rock.) PANRAHK: Anything happen yet? (Kuurahk pops his head over) KUURAHK: Nope. Not yet. (Elsewhere in the desert are the Toa. And Tuurahk with a bag over his head.) TUURAHK: So, uh, about this bag. LEWA: Nope, not taking off. TUURAHK: What about a mouth hole? LEWA: Your head's, like, all mouth. TUURAHK: And your's is all face! LEWA: I don't see how that's a problem! TUURAHK: Neither do I! We're different and that's okay! LEWA: So why are we arguing? TUURAHK: I still have a bag on my head! TAHU: Silence! Kopaka; do you see them? KOPAKA: (He uses his mask.) ... TAHU: What do you mean when you look down you can see a city far below us and a whole network of tunnels and underground islands in a vageuly humanoid shape? KOPAKA: ... TAHU: Why were you even looking down? POHATU: (Switching to his Akaku) Woah, he's right. I feel like this is a spoiler for something that's gonna happen later. You guys should check this out. TUURAHK: I would but I've a bag on my head. ONUA: Not you. TUURAHK: Oh. (Back with the rest of the Rahkshi) PANRAHK: They're all looking down for some reason. GUURAHK: Man, Toa are weird. PANRAHK: No kidding. (There's a noise in the distance. Panrahk pops his head over. The Makuta arrives, flanked by the Bahrag Queens) PANRAHK: They're heeeere... KUURAHK: So we're working with the Bahrag again. GUURAHK: It's always nice to see mom again. PANRAHK: Wait, mom? GUURAHK: Did no one tell you? Cahdok's my, Kuurahk, and Lehrahk's mom. Tuurahk, Vorahk, and your mom is Gahdok. We're a real blended family. PANRAHK: Who told you that? GUURAHK: Lehrahk. KUURAHK: Of course he did. PANRAHK: The Bahrag aren't our moms, dude. KUURAHK: Yeah, Dad's our mom. GUURAHK: No, Dad's our dad. KUURAHK: And our mom. He's both. GUURAHK: That doesn't make any sense? PANRAHK: Are you telling me that that (he points to the Makuta) and that (he points at the Bahrag) somehow made this (he points to himself)? GUURAHK: Well where else do Kraata come from? KUURAHK: (Rubbing his forehead) Did no one tell you? GUURAHK: Tell me what? (Meanwhile, with Makuta and the Bahrag) GAHDOK: Oh darling, it's simply mah-velous to be out in the sun again. CAHDOK: My skin was getting quite ashen in that underground lair of ours, sister. I must say I'm so thankful to be outside with you, Maky. GAHDOK: Yes, so glad to be outside darling. Will we get to see your delightful sons again? CAHDOK: You've done such a wonderful job raising them. MAKUTA: It is for my son that we now march on the Toa. They have taken my son and severed his finger from his hand. That is not something that will be easily overlooked. My queens, summon your swarms. GAHDOK: I thought you'd never ask, Maky. Sister? CAHDOK: Of course. Darlings! Come along now! (A rumbling. Meanwhile, the Rahkshi are still in the middle of an Important Discussion) PANRAHK: Honestly, the Bahrag are unrelated aunts if we're gonna assign them any role. KUURAHK: You feel that shaking? (They rise and turn to the side. A swarm approaches. A swarm of...) GUURAHK: Cousins! (Enter: The Bohrok) (Curtains)

Essays, Not Rants! 315: End of (Star) War(s) After the original Star Wars trilogy wrapped up, Lucasfilm started letting other people play in the sandbox they’d created. And so the Expanded Universe came about: more stories set in the Star Wars universe continuing the adventures of Luke, Han, and Leia. Timothy Zahn’s Thrawn Trilogy really kicked the EU into high gear, and an impressive series of novels, comics, and games were born, each crossing over and referencing each other. It’s a lotta fun, and I’ve read/played a lot of them. In the EU, the Battle of Endor was only the beginning of the end. Various Moffs, Admirals, and Warlords rose up to fill the Emperor’s void. The Rebellion, now the New Republic, set about mopping up threats until a formal treaty was finally signed 15 years after Endor, properly ending the Galactic Civil War. But of course there were still adventures to be had. The Yuuhzahn Vong invaded six years later, the Dark Nest Crisis was a thing, and then there was another Civil War which is kinda where I checked out. Point is, the galaxy was almost always at war. When Disney bought Lucasfilm and decided they would make new movies, they nuked all of the EU, primarily so they could start with a blank slate from which to start the then-upcoming Episode VII. On the one hand, I was really bummed because there went the Thrown trilogy, Wedge Antillies’ legendary reputation, and some really cool Clone Wars-era stories; but then that also got rid of some of the later books when things started getting really moody and stuff, so, y’know, not the worst call. Point is, The Force Awakens started a new idea of where Star Wars went post-Return of The Jedi. And it’s different. There’s a villainous First Order but the New Republic isn’t fighting it. Rather, Leia’s started a Resistance to fight back. Which is odd. Why is there a Resistance when there’s a government that should be fighting that war? In essence: Where’s the New Republic’s fleet? Turns out, the New Republic demilitarized after the Battle of Jakku. In the new canon, Jakku, one year after Endor, marked the final fight between the Rebel Alliance and the Empire. The Alliance’s decisive victory led to Galactic Concordance and the war ended right there. That was it. No Grand Admiral Thrawn, no Black Fleet Crisis, no Rogue Squadron. And with the war over, they demilitarized. The First Order wasn’t perceived as a legitimate threat, so they didn’t take up arms again and then it was too late. Let’s ignore the fact that this plot point should have been at least referenced in The Force Awakens and instead talk about demilitarization. Historically, when wars were over, countries would demilitarize, military budgets would go down and armies would shrink considerably. After World War II, however, the US did shrink its army, but its military/defense budget never returned to pre-war levels (and still hasn’t). Put simply, the US has constantly been at war since the 1940s, be it a Cold one or something against Terror. The idea of demilitarizing after a war, decommissioning ships, reducing war R&D, shuttering bases, is a foreign concept in American pop culture. And yet, that’s what happens in the new Star Wars canon. With the Empire defeated, the New Republic put away its guns and played peace instead. Which sounds kinda weird, but that’s 'cuz we (the US and people who consume US pop-culture [which, in recent years has come to encompass American politics as well as media]) are just not used to that idea. The implication’s pretty clear: When the war’s over, the good guys disarm. Of course, as the First Order rises the New Republic is hesitant to re-arm and so it falls on Leia’s Resistance to serve as a paramilitary force to stop them. Things go sideways for the New Republic pretty quickly, mostly 'cuz they underestimated the First Order. But that’s not the New Republic’s fault for being pacifist, it’s because the First Order’s martial and ruthless. Star Wars is, of course, about wars (in the stars!). But for all its martial posturing, its, courtesy of the new canon, also a world where that war ends and is followed by demilitarization (and peace!). It’s such an odd notion, one that borders on fantasy, but then again, Star Wars is supposed to be a fantasy, isn’t it? N.B.: This has been Josh thinking far too much about Star Wars. Tune in next time to hear Josh analyze the Star Wars saga as an anti-capitalist text. And the time after that to see my analysis of the Star Wars movies being anti-war. Finally, I’d like to apologize to John Horgan for borrowing his book’s title for this blog post.