Lewa0111 Nuva

It's nice to see (read?) a familiar face around here! The Comedies Forum has been pretty lonely, but I'm still around and updating every so often. Hope we can bring this place back to life someday! Lewa0111 Nuva

First things first: TNI has a new chapter, so go check that out. Ask Matau! to follow soon (assuming enough questions roll in), and come Halloween, the Holiday Series will be starting back up! Already got a few nice ideas in mind. As for my personal life and busy-ness, I'm still quite busy with graduate school but try to find time to write here and there. Hopefully things stabilize soon, but you never know. Adulting is hard! On my other BIONICLE projects, Sad Sad Lewa is still waiting for more players but I haven't forgotten it completely. Only two people have responded to my big comedy project announcement, but if I get more (especially animators/artists, we're really short on those) we'll be able to decide on a theme and get moving. I personally like the idea of an animated/voice-acted version of Ask Matau! right now (as it would be much easier to translate into video than TNI) but we'll see. Might also make it completely brand-new. Who knows? Still trying to re-format the QFTCJP cache I found online, but it's slow going. Looks like it includes most of the 2001 saga (about 15 chapters) but nothing past that. I'll definitely be posting something when that gets finished! I may be on less frequently than before, but I'm not gone completely. BZP will always be important! Lewa0111 Nuva

Guess who’s back? THIS GUY! And with a new TNI chapter for your trouble. Enjoy! (P.S. Thanks for the reply/upvote, Ghidora!) The Nuva Inn A BIONICLE comedy by Me! Chapter 39: The OF Strikes Back OR Obsessions Ahoy! Narrator: ... Narrator: ... Narrator: ... Narrator: ... Onua: What? What are you waiting for? Narrator: You. Onua: Why me? Narrator: Aren’t you going to complain about something? Onua: Nah. Not today. Narrator: GASP! Onua: *shrugs* Well, the “length since last chapter” complaint is overdone, this isn’t any kind of crazy quest or special edition chapter, nobody else is interrupting our intro sequence, and the titles actually aren’t bad for once. I’ve got nothing. Narrator: FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON’T WRITE THE TITLES!! Onua: Yes you do. TWG: Then what’s my job? Explain THAT! Onua: You sit there as a person the Narrator can blame when I insult his titles. TWG: They’re my titles!! Onua: Keep telling yourself that. Narrator and TWG: Onua: Oh! Hey! I just thought of something to complain about! Narrator: Fantastic. Go for it. Complain away. Onua: Alright, great. You remember that holiday song contest? The one that started more than half a year ago? Narrator: ...Yeah... Onua: Who won? Narrator: Fred by default. Nobody else wanted to vote since our announcement in the last chapter. Happy? Onua: Not really. I wanted you to hem and haw again. That was hilarious last time! Narrator: Oh, shut up. Onua: Nah. This is way more fun! Narrator: Sigh...look, I’m just gonna go ahead and start the chapter now, okay? After the previous chapter, we now join the Toa Nuva as they adjust to their newly re-re-built hotel. Lewa: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! My beautiful Manager’s Suite! It’s GONE! This is a nightmare! A tragedy! I can’t possibly go on! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Narrator: ...MOST of them adjusting, anyway. Gali: Oh, shut up and stop crying. We’ve got guests to tend. Besides, you’ll get your suite back in two weeks. Lewa: But my precious smoothie machine! Massage chair! Big-screen TV! Excuse to be lazy and not actually do any work! Gali: What was that? Lewa: Umm...forget I said that last one, ok? Gali: Whatever. I’m off to check in some more guests. Make yourself useful and do something. *Gali goes back to the front desk* Lewa: BUT MY SUITE! Takanuva: Hey, Lewa? Just finished repairing the roof. But Tahu’s still...umm...not himself, so Jaller’s gonna have to keep filling in for him. Lewa: What do you mean, not himself? Wait, are you saying I have to wait even longer now!? Takanuva: Yep. Unfortunately. Lewa: That does it. I am fixing that water-obsessed weirdo, now. Gali: *shouting from front desk* I am not a weirdo! Lewa: ...I don’t mean you. Where’s Tahu now? Takanuva: Last I saw him, Ga-Metru. Lewa: Off I go! TIMETOGETMYMANAGERSSUITEBACKYIPPEE!! Narrator: And with that, Lewa zoomed off hyperly toward Ga-Metru. BEC: Hey, zooming off hyperly is my joke! I have that copyr-- Keetongu: BEC: --tttttrademarked! Yeah! Trademarked is what I was going to say! Keetongu: *teleports away* Fred: Glad to see you’ve calmed down, at least. Why aren’t you hyper? Not that I’m complaining. BEC: I don’t know. Someone stole all my sugar and...wait a minute...LEWA YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! *Meanwhile, in the Manager’s Deluxe Suite...* Jaller: Hahli... Hahli: Jaller... All Other Guests In The Hotel: GET A ROOM, YOU TWO! Hahli: We DID get a room! What do you think we’re sitting in? Pohatu: Umm...a pirate ship? Jaller and Hahli: What. Hahli: Where’d you come from? Pohatu: No idea. I just wandered up here because I assumed Lewa was going to order me to do something ridiculously difficult. Bye! Narrator: And with that, Pohatu wandered off as randomly as he had come. Jaller: You know, randomly appearing Toa notwithstanding, this is actually a pretty nice job. All I have to do is light Takanuva’s staff on fire occasionally, and we get to stay in this awesome suite! Hahli: Yeah, it’s nice. And there’s nothing to complain about! Tava: Watch out! RUNAWAY PIE~! Kopaka: I got it. Chill. Gali: Look, whatever you summoned me for, it can’t be that bad. Why do you--MMPH! Narrator: As Tava dove forward to catch the gigantic flying pie, Kopaka froze it--and Tava--into a huge ice block, which promptly crashed into Gali. Gali: Get this thing off of me! Take this! Narrator: Gali then launched the frozen pie-and-Tava-combo away from her with a powerful jet of water, sending it crashing through the walls of the Deluxe Suite, catching Jaller and Hahli in the process, and sending the whole combination plummeting into the sea. Jaller: :onwater: ...You were saying, Hahli? Hahli: Okay, I guess we do have some things to complain about. Like the fact that :onwater: isn’t a real emoticon. Jaller: Well, it should be. Where’s mutagenic Pit water to turn us into Mahri when we need it? Hahli: How do you--never mind. Let’s just swim to shore. Tava *still in ice block*: Hey, I could use some help over here! Hello? Toa Inika? Help please? *Meanwhile, in Ga-Metru...* Tahu: WOOHOO! So...much...water... Vhisola: Umm, what is the Toa of Fire doing? Kaa: I don’t know, but I’m scared. Kailani: Me too. Turaga Nokama: Oh, not to worry. He’s just been hit by a Toa of Obsessions’ powers. I’ve seen it before. It’ll wear off eventually. All Ga-Matoran: Phew. Tahu: And a 1, and a 2, and a 3...DIVE! Narrator: Tahu promptly dove off of a hastily constructed diving board made up of some spare Chroniclers’ Staffs and a ton of super-glue that he’d glued to the top of the Great Temple. *KER-SPLASH!* Tahu: Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Narrator: In a short time, Lewa skidded to a stop on the scene, accidentally bowling over several Ga-Matoran in the process. Vhisola: LOOK OUT! Kailani: WHERE’D HE EVEN GET THAT BOWLING BALL? AAAAAAAAAAAH! Lewa: AlrighteveryoneImhereformyToaofFireback! TahuyougetoutoftheoceanRIGHTNOW! Tahu: Nah, this is way more fun! Come on in! Lewa: IwillNOTgointhereyousillyobsessedToa! YoulikeFIRE! Tahu: I hate fire! I’m a Toa of Water now! See? Narrator: Tahu attempted to use his “water” powers, but, of course, he was still a Toa of Fire. The sea began to steam like crazy, spewing steam everywhere. Tahu: See? Look at all this water! WATER! WAAAAAATTTTEEEERRRRR!! Lewa: ThatsnotwaterthatsSTEAMyoustupidlittle...ohhiBEC. Whatsup? BEC: You stole my sugar, didn’t you? Lewa: Ummmaybe? BEC: Fred, use Vine Whip! Fred: I’m not a Pokemon... BEC: Fine, then I’ll just--hey, wait a sec, where’d the ocean go? Lewa: Whatwhatareyoutalkingabout? Narrator: Lewa turned around to see...well, steam, since there was steam everywhere. Lewa: Wait, how can you see anything? I just see steam. BEC: HAmadeyoulooknowIpunchedmysugarbackoutofyouwhileyouweredistracted! Lewa: That’s possible? Fred: Yeah, I know. It’s just BEC-logic. Lewa: TAHU! Where’d you go? Tahu: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH~! BEC: WOWlotsofcryingToainthischapter. Tahu: MY PRECIOUS WATER! Lewa: Wait a minute, BEC, you were serious? BEC: Iwas? Waitreally? Lewa: Apparently. Now what? Random Ga-Matoran #77: Fog, fog, gotta love fog! Fog is the best and fog is the best! I. Love. FOOOOOOOOOOOOG! Lewa: Where there’s random obsessions, there’s OF. Off I go! Narrator: Lewa promptly ran about five feet...and fell off the now-empty shoreline to land in a pile next to Tahu. Tahu: Oh, hey Lewa. Can you help me find my ocean? I lost it. Lewa: Cursed steam! Tahu: MY PRECIOUS WATER! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! *Lewa groans* *Meanwhile still...* Gali: I suppose even when I’m not the lifeguard, I’m still the lifeguard. Tava: Thanks for the antifreeze, by the way. Guess what I did with it? Gali: Let me guess. Antifreeze Pie? Tava: No, actually. Gali: Tava: ...Though now that you mention it, that does sound like a cool idea. Nah, I gave it to Kopaka. Gali: Well, that’s random. Why? Tava: I dunno, it looked like something a janitator would need, so I gave it to him. Whatever, I’m off to find more so I can try making a pie with it! Narrator: And with that, Tava ran off, leaving a very perplexed Gali behind. Gali: *sigh* Time to find Kopaka, I guess. Also, what happened to those Toa Inika? Onua: Probably went to find Takanuva to rebuild their Deluxe Suite. Gali: Good point. Wait, where’d you come from? Onua: I’ve been with you this whole time. I’m just quiet sometimes. Gali: Oh, okay. Let’s go! *Meanwhile, in Ko-Metru (wow, lots of transitions today!)...* Random Ko-Matoran #625 (singing): Oh I love history, the past is so fun, telescopes are boring, history’s so fun! Kopeke: I LOVE TO TALK! HOORAY FOR WORDS, AND SPEAKING, AND CHATTING, AND SHOUTING!! WOOHOO! Nuju: Rahi language is stupid. MATORAN LANGUAGE IS THE BEST~! Narrator: Interrupting this string of obsessions was Lewa, skidding to a stop in the middle of Ko-Metru and surprising the Turaga and Matoran. Lewa: Alright, you obsessed little Matoran, where’s that Toa of Obsessions? Where’s OF? Kopeke: I don’t know where the Toa of Obsessions is but I did see a Toa of Air show up just now in Ko-Metru and he seemed rather angry but did you know that yesterday a flock of Gukko birds crashed into the Knowledge Tower and everyone was annoyed because they got everything very messy and you should have seen the look on Ehrye’s face when he had to stop working for an entire day because a bird landed on his telescope and wouldn’t get off it took an entire squad of Vahki to get the birds to go somewhere else and-- Lewa: Cool story. I don’t have time for this! Where’s OF? Nuju: I think he’s over there. *points* Narrator: Lewa followed the Turaga’s gesture to see the Toa of Obsessions himself, sitting on top of a Knowledge Tower, all alone. OF: Lewa: YOU! Get down here and fix Tahu right now! OF: What? Lewa: I said, get down here and fix Tahu right now! OF: I can’t hear you! Lewa: What? OF: I said I can’t hear you! Lewa: Well, come down then! You look really silly sitting up there by yourself, anyway. OF: I don’t know what you said. I think you asked me to come down. Lewa: Look, when you’re up there I can’t hear you! OF: I can’t come down, my powers are stuck on and I can’t shut them off! You’ll become obsessed with something random! Lewa: *sigh* Where’d I put that thing... Narrator: Lewa proceeded to rummage through his Toa-Pocket, tossing out a kazoo, pineapple, Tarakava, Tahu’s firesword, and (inexplicably) Pohatu before triumphantly grabbing a megaphone that was twice his height. Pohatu: Oww! Why is it always me!? Lewa (in megaphone): OF, does this help? OF: Sure, what do you want? Lewa: ...Didn’t think this through, did I? I still can’t hear you. OF: Toss me the megaphone! Lewa: What if I tossed you the megaphone? OF: That’s what I-- Narrator: The aforementioned megaphone smacked OF in the face. OF (in megaphone): Next time toss it to my hands, not my face! Lewa: Sorry. You know what, this is getting ridiculous. I’m coming up there. OF (in megaphone): Wait, don’t! My powers are stuck on, you’ll become obsessed! Narrator: Lewa then switched to a Kanohi Kadin and rocketed himself up to where OF was. Lewa: Stole Borrowed this from Nuparu a while back. Came in handy! OF: Lewa, I can’t control my powers. I’ll obsess you, stay away! Lewa: I think you underestimate my own money obsession. OF: Watch out! Narrator: OF then launched a blast at Lewa accidentally, which caught the Toa of Air in the face. Lewa: I LOVE MONEY! FIX TAHU RIGHT NOW SO I CAN HAVE MY SUITE BACK! OF: Wow. He wasn’t kidding about his money obsession. Lewa: MMMMMMMOOOONNNNNNEEEEEYYYYYY~! Narrator: Lewa whipped out a gigantic stack of super-shiny widgets, which were shiny enough to act as a mirror. OF’s next blast reflected off of the widgets and hit OF himself in the leg. OF: I love obsessing people! WHEEEEEEEEE! Lewa: MONEY! Narrator: The second time Lewa repeated the widget strategy, the beam hit OF right in the mask instead. OF: Whoa. What happened? Lewa: MONEY! OF: *shrugs* I don’t remember what’s going on. But at least Lewa seems normal. Lewa: MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY! OF: Yup. Perfectly normal. Oh well, time to go home. Lewa: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ OF: Wait, how did he “say” a bunch of dollar signs just now? Lewa: MNY MNY MNY MNY OEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOE OF: I’m...just...going to...leave now. *Back in the hotel...* Gali: Has anyone seen Kopaka? Random Matoran #35: HELP! HELP! I’m drowning! Gali: Oh great. Narrator: Gali then ran to the pool room, but saw no one there. Random Matoran #35: WE’RE OVER HERE! Gali: The ice rink? Why--oh, right. Looks like we now have two pools instead. Onua: Fantastic. Time to find Kopaka then...and come to think of it, where’s Pohatu? Takanuva: I think Lewa put him in his pocket. Onua: Wat. Takanuva: My thoughts exactly. Toa Onewa: Hey, you stole my line! Onua, Takanuva, and Gali: WRONG COMEDY! *shove him back through portal* *BEC zooms in* BEC: HeyguyswhatsgoingonLewawentofftofindOFandIgotmysugarbackyippee! Gali: Have you seen Kopaka? BEC: Nonononononononononononononononono! Haventseenhim. Kopaka (muffled): HyperAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Gali: Oh. There he is. Takanuva, keep saying “No” so we can find him. Takanuva: What? No! Kopaka (slightly less muffled): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!! Onua: Great! Sounds like he’s in the basement. Gali: There’s no basement here. Takanuva: Yes there is, I built one this morning. Gali: Oh. Takanuva, do you like Makuta? Takanuva: Why would you even ask that? No! Kopaka (louder): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! Gali: Alright, we’re almost there. Narrator: They all raced down the stairs to the newly-rebuilt basement, following the patterns of Kopaka screaming each time they made Takanuva say “No.” Gali: 2+2 equals five, right? Takanuva: No! Stop asking stupid questions! Kopaka: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH, stop asking stupid questions! Gali: Weird. Onua: At least it worked. This way! BEC: HeyTakanuvayouloveitwhenImsuperhyperandannoyingright? Takanuva: No! Stop it! Kopaka: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! Fred: For the record, neither do I. BEC: NobodycaresIlovebehindhyperwheeeeeeeee! Onua: One more ought to do it. Takanuva, is Lewa the greatest boss in the world? Takanuva: No! Kopaka: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH! Gali: Gotcha! Narrator: Gali opened a door to reveal Kopaka, surrounded by water that he was trying desperately to freeze. Gali: Oh, hi Kopaka. What are you doing? Kopaka: I’m a Toa of Water now, apparently. I can’t freeze things anymore. Gali: Let me help. Narrator: Gali used her power over water to send it out of the room and into the pool, where it would be more useful. Kopaka: Thanks. I spilled some janitating fluid on my ice blades and now I can’t freeze stuff. Gali: By ‘janitating fluid,’ do you by chance mean the stuff Tava gave you? Kopaka: Yes. *Everyone stares at Takanuva* Takanuva: ...Not saying it. Onua: Aww... Gali: Give me those. Narrator: Kopaka promptly handed her his ice blades, and she used a jet of water to wash off the tips. Kopaka: That was easy. Gali: I should mention that there’s a second pool that needs freezing. Kopaka: Second pool? Onua: By which she means the ice rink. Which melted. Kopaka: Fine. I’ll fix it. Onua: Great. Now we just have to wait until Lewa gets back with OF in tow. Which is hopefully soon! Gali: Yeah, let’s all leave this basement and wait for them, I guess. Takanuva: And I’ll repair that suite. Gali: What, you still haven’t done it yet? Takanuva: I was busy! Geez. Gali: Busy with what? Takanuva: Making a basement for no reason whatsoever. Gali: Oh, okay. *Back in Ko-Metru...* OF: Well, things seem less normal out here. Nuju: Ah, there you are. Lewa was asking about you earlier. OF: Yes, I know. Wait, why are you talking? Nuju: The Matoran Language is the best thing ever! I love it so much! It’s awesome! Rahi language is overrated. Kopeke: I know right talking is so much fun I could just talk all day hey Toa did you know a Toa of Air was here earlier he was obsessed with money but now he’s even more obsessed than usual and a new telescope just came in from Nui-Bay and it looks awesome I can’t wait to try it out but also our Knowledge Tower needs some repair work I’m hoping to book Takanuva but he’s busy building a basement for no reason and Matoran are living on the moon tomorrow did you know-- Random Matoran #35: Anybody got a history book? The past is awesome! I hate the future. It’s so boring. Staring at space all day, I’d rather look at the past, the past is the best thing ever! OF: What. Kopeke: --I know right that was totally my reaction when I found out that Nidhiki and Lariska were dating but Krekka was dating a piece of cauliflower for some reason and it’s the latest gossip on Odina and The Shadowed One has been blogging about it oh yeah he started a blog about Dark Hunter antics you know what else is funny Ancient collects stuffed Rahi it’s adorable and hilarious you should totally check it out-- OF: That does it! *ZAP!* Kopeke: OMGILOVETOTALKTALKTALKTALKTALK! OF: ...Wait, I just made it worse. Hold on. *!PAZ* Kopeke: ...? OF: Phew, that’s better. Oh, hi Nuju. Nuju: What are you doing? Kopeke’s unusually silent now. Wait, don’t point that thing at me! *!PAZ* Nuju: Beep, beep whistle quirk fweet kazoo! OF: Looks like I have a lot of cleaning up to do. *!PAZ* Random Matoran #35: Time to go stargazing! The future calls! OF: That’s a relief! Wait, what’s that? Oh no...not him... Lewa: MONEY! Narrator: Lewa pulled up in a huge tow truck, painted like widgets, and grabbed Onewa Fan with it. OF: Wait, stop! *!PAZ* Lewa: Huh. That’s weird. I WANT MY MONEY, you fix Tahu right now! OF: Oh, right. He’s already obsessed with money even without me. Should’ve guessed. THE END Onua: WHAT!? Pohatu: By the way, I love-- Onua: You’re not allowed in the extro! Narrator, how could you? Narrator: What, allow Pohatu in here? Even I can’t override the power of Running Jokes. Onua: No, not that. The ending! Narrator: What about it? Onua: That has got to be the stupidest place for a chapter ending I’ve ever seen. Narrator: Yeah, well. Has to end somewhere. Onua: But you can’t just randomly end it like that! It’s got to have a resolution. A solid feeling of ending, not just THE END suddenly dropped into it like that. Narrator: Yeah, well, guess what? Onua: What? Narrator: You’re just a character. I’m a narrator. So my way goes. Ha! Onua: Groan... Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 3,094 words. Holy Kanohi, Batman! ~Lewa# Studios

Hi-ho, hi-ho, writing chapters again I go! Ask Matau! A BIONICLE comedy by Me! Chapter 29: Very Vital Vahki Victory Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions, and emoticon villains arguing, and mail calling me ugly, and extortion mail, and mail from other Lewa0111 comedies, and people stealing my DVD, and crazy crossovers, and messages about me becoming a Turaga for some reason, and food obsessions taken way too far, and love letters for Whenua, and fake Mataus, and hilariously embarrassing YouTahu videos) and I (and Nokama, and Whenua, and Lewa0111) answer them in hilarious ways! Nokama: Wow, jumping right in this time, I see. Matau: Yep! Will you go out with me now? Nokama: NO! *SLAP!* Whenua: Jumping right in with the daily slapping routine too, apparently. Matau: Aww...why didn’t it work? I heard being on time for things is attractive! Nokama: Well, it’s a start. But you’ll have to do more than just that. Matau: Oww. Darn. I really thought that would work! That’s the last time I go to “atukaM’s Relationship Advice Booth” for help. Whenua: And that’s the last time I lend you W10 to pay for said advice booth. Nokama: *sighs* Guys. Matau: Whatever, let’s just start the show. I’ll think of a better way to ask Nokama out later! Nokama: I’m...standing right here, you know that, right? Matau: Potatoes. Nokama: *After that random utterance, the three Toa walk into the computer room* Vohtarak: Oh, come on, NOW? I’m busy! Come back later! Matau: No, we will not. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since we did a chapter last? Vohtarak: Uhh...yesterday? Matau, Nokama, and Whenua: NEARLY TWO MONTHS!! Vohtarak: Wait, really? I mean...still, that IS an improvement by our usual standards... Matau: Yes, really. Now get off. Vohtarak: Make me. Matau: Gladly! Vohtarak: Oh no-- *Matau picks up Vohtarak in a tornado and sends him flying out the window* Whenua: You’d think he’d learn by now to just shut up and get out of the way. What was he playing this time, anyway? Nokama: Hmm, looks like Piraka Attack. Guess he got bored of Spinner Challenge. Matau: Who cares? He’s doing something other than leaving so I can do my show. *spins chair casually and tries to sit in it* *CRASH!* Matau: Oww. That didn’t work. Nokama: What exactly were you trying to do? Whenua: At a guess? Impress you. Nokama: *sighs* Probably. *Matau gets back into the chair* Matau: I hope nobody saw that. Nuju *all the way from the other side of Metru Nui*: I DID! Matau: Shut up, Nuju! Anyway, let’s start up the old Eddie the Spam Deleter and get to work! Eddie: Hey, I’m not old! Whenua: Wait, Eddie can talk? Eddie: Uhh...no I can’t! Wait, I mean: Matau: Glad that’s done. Computer, how many messages today? Computer: You have negative four messages. Matau: Huh. Never knew you could have negative messages. Okay, first...negative...not...uh, “first negative message?” Matau: Why wasn’t this deleted? Computer: You did ask for a “negative message.” So there you go! Wasn’t that negative enough for you? Matau: That’s not what I meant! Whenua: Why don’t we try “negative first message?” Matau: Guess it’s worth a try! Computer, negative first message? *The Toa wait expectantly while...nothing happens* Matau: Hey! Where’s the random effect? Isn’t Author Mail supposed to do something random? Nokama: Beats me. *An eggbeater appears and beats her* Nokama: THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT! Whenua: Maybe that was the random effect? *Keelerak wanders in* Keelerak: Hey guys. And girl. What did I miss? Matau: I got a defective Author Mail! It didn’t do anything random! Keelerak: Looks like you have negative messages. That’s pretty random. Matau: Whenua: He’s right! That’s probably from the Author Mail! Matau: Not quite as exciting as the lightsaber-throwing chicken, but eh. Hockeymoose, Toa of Canada: We have that word copyrighted, don’t you know, eh? Matau, Nokama, Whenua, and Keelerak: Keelerak: Where’d you come from? Hockeymoose: I heard you say ‘eh,’ so I appeared. Pay me W20,000 for copyright fees, eh! Matau: Eh, no thanks. Hockeymoose: Make that W40,000, eh? Matau: Eh, might want to look behind you, eh. Hockeymoose: Make that--wait, what’s--? Keetongu: I HAVE COPYRIGHTING COPYRIGHTED! *Keetongu chases Hockeymoose out of Matau’s house* Nokama: Well. That was a thing that happened. Whenua: I’m not sure whether the negative messages, the eggbeater, or Hockeymoose was due to the Author Mail. Matau: Ooh, maybe it was ALL OF THEM! Boggarak: What was that all about? Matau: I got an awesome Author Mail! First it gave me negative messages, then it made an eggbeater appear out of nowhere when Nokama said “Beats me,” and then a Toa of Canada appeared and got chased around by Keetongu! Boggarak: Groan. Author Mail’s still a thing? Whenua: Apparently so. Keelerak: And he’s doing a chapter, too! Why don’t you let the others know, actually. It’s been a while! Boggarak: Ugh. Fine. *Boggarak leaves* Matau: You know who’d probably enjoy that “negative message” from the beginning of the chapter? Boggarak. Keelerak: You’re probably not wrong, actually. *Boggarak comes back in with Suukorak and Oohnorak in tow* Oohnorak: Was the tow truck really necessary? I can walk, you know. Boggarak: Apparently I’ve now been reduced to being random for the sake of puns. Joy. *Joy from Inside Out appears* Joy: Somebody call me? Boggarak: No. Joy: Aww. Too bad! *leaves* Matau: Even more Author Mail effects! YES! Keelerak: That would explain the excess of randomness this chapter. Oohnorak: Darn, why don’t I ever get Author Mail? Matau: Maybe it’s because you don’t have a computer. Just a thought. Oohnorak: Oh. Right. Matau: Well, now that everyone’s here, let’s continue! ...Wait, what about Roporak? Boggarak: He’s...coming. Whenua: What do you-- *Roporak bungees in from the ceiling on a rope made of string cheese* Roporak: CHEE-- *The rope breaks and he splats on top of Boggarak* Boggarak: GET OFF. Roporak: No thanks. CHEESE! Matau: Oh. There he is! Alright Computer, next message! Matau: Glad it’s a halfway-decent question, though I don’t get why everyone’s allergic to signing their names. Everyone: *appears out of nowhere* I’m not allergic to signing my name! I’m just allergic to pickles, overripe Thornax, and riverdancing tubas from Mars while in the Coliseum on Tuesday afternoons at 3:29 PM during the month of December! Matau: Wow, how’d you ever find out about that last one? Everyone: It’s a long story. *He vanishes* Matau: Okay, with that over with: as for this question, I’d say this “Lewa,” whoever they are. I never take risks, ever! I’m the most awesome and perfect Toa-Hero who ever lived! Nokama: You do risky things all the time! All those stunts in the Moto-Hub, your crazy flying skills (or lack thereof), going on long quests over a DVD... Matau: It’s not a risk if I know I’ll succeed! Nokama: You hardly ever succeed. Matau: False. Boggarak: She’s right. There’s plenty of YouTahu videos that prove otherwise. Matau: Those? Oh, well, failing on PURPOSE doesn’t count. I totally did all that intentionally so I’d be Internet famous. Whenua: But most of those were made before Onewa put them on YouTahu in the first place. Matau: LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LET’S MOVE ON TO THE NEXT QUESTION! Whenua: Umm, what’s a “father?” Keelerak: Good question. Matau: Wait, what’s this? “Get Nokama to fall in love with me?” Cool! Whenua: First of all, they’re missing the “to,” and secondly, he didn’t even read the rest of it, did he? Suukorak: ... Suukorak’s Subtitles: {He never reads anything. Like my subtitles. MATAU, STOP!} Matau: I think I’ll click on it! Suukorak: ... Suukorak’s Subtitles: {See? Didn’t even notice.} Nokama: I’m not worried. Boggarak: You should be. Nokama: Just wait and see! Matau: I’m gonna click it! *clicks link* VirusVahki9000: ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT! MALICIOUS PROGRAM DETECTED! NOW DELETING! Computer: BRAAMP! Deleted! Matau: What? NO! I WAS GONNA USE THAT TO ASK NOKAMA OUT, YOU STUPID PROGRAM! Who installed that thing, anyway? Nokama: Whenua: That program just saved your life. That was Literal Mail. Matau: No it wasn’t! How could Literal Mail help Nokama fall in love with me? There’s no such thing as Literal Valentine Mail. Oohnorak: Yeah, right! Matau: Believe me, I’ve checked. EVERYWHERE. Oohnorak: Wait, there’s not? Aww. Keelerak: What were you gonna use it for? Oohnorak: To get lots of fangirls, of course! Everyone knows awesome people are famous. And famous people have fangirls. So it also goes in reverse! Keelerak: That’s not at ALL how logic works. Oohnorak: Stop ruining my big dreams! Whenua: I’m just surprised someone wants revenge on Matau. Haven’t seen that in a while. Matau: What are you talking about? Who wants revenge on me? Whenua: This “Tyrant” person who sent you the message. Matau: If he wanted revenge on me, why would he help me get Nokama to fall in love with me? Nokama, Whenua, and All Visorak: *facepalm* Boggarak: Every time I think he can’t get any stupider, he continues to surprise me. Matau: Can we please focus on what’s most important here? Me? Oohnorak: I thought that was me! Keelerak: You’re both egotistical, arrogant, and annoying. There. Computer, next message. Matau: Thanks, I think? Matau: Oh, come on, even I’m not that stupid. Who’s my next-door neighbor, anyway? I think they should get some Literal Mail for this. Nokama: Wait, I never sent this! Matau: Were you supposed to? Nokama: Well, I’m the only person who lives next door. Keelerak: Huh. She’s right. On one side is Nokama’s house, and the other side is a Bionicle Online Game Cafe. Whenua: Wait, really? So why don’t we just send Vohtarak there every time instead of going through all the tornado-blowing shenanigans every chapter? Suukorak: ... Suukorak’s Subtitles: {Dunno. Guess nobody ever asked about it before.} Nokama: So who sent this message, if it wasn’t me? Matau: Nokama’s my next-door neighbor, of course! Never mind, this message makes perfect sense. I’m gonna go do this right now! Nokama: Wait, Matau, don’t-- *Matau sprints out the door* Boggarak: Too late. Matau, from outside: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I’M THE MOST AWESOME TOA-HERO WHO EVER LIVED!! I AM THE BEST EVER! WHEE THIS IS A DISTURBANCE PLEASE NOKAMA GO OUT WITH ME! Nokama: *A bunch of Vahki sirens are heard as a squad of Vorzakh arrives* Keelerak: I have to wonder exactly what he expected. Nokama: Me to suddenly fall in love with him, apparently. Despite the fact that I never sent that message. *Matau suddenly gets chucked back into the house* Matau: Whoa! What just happened? Oh, hey, Nokama. Let’s say you and I go out on a-- *SLAP!* Matau: --date? Boggarak: They sent him back. Didn’t see that coming. Matau: I just told them how awesome I was and that I’m Toa Matau, and they immediately released me. I call that a very vital Vahki victory! Oohnorak: Hey, that’s the name of this chapter! Everyone Except Oohnorak and Whenua: Huh? Oohnorak: Never mind. Nokama: You know, something tells me what really happened is that Matau annoyed the Vahki so much they didn’t want to be stuck listening to him. So they sent him back. Matau: I’m not annoying! That’s not true at all! Nokama: Uh-huh... Matau: Is that all the questions, by the way? Whenua: *shrugs* Guess so. Time to call it a day? Matau: Until next time, of course! Mr. Potato Head: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? The Fiftieth Penguin: BONGE-SPOB PARE-SQUANTS! *The two random characters do the can-can while Toa Hockeymoose returns and starts doing cartwheels around the room* Toa Hockeymoose: Lewa0111: Surprise, delayed-reaction Author Mail! Nokama: I think I’ll just...go home to...iron my...flippers. Whenua: And I need to go and...archive the...umm...Archives. *They both leave as the randomness continues* END Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 2,233 words. ~Lewa# Studios P.S. Keep sending in those questions! The more, the merrier!

Awesome, glad to have you! 4 more players needed... Lewa0111 Nuva

Thanks to everyone who sent in questions! The more questions I get, the more frequently I can put out chapters, so keep ‘em coming! Ask Matau! A BIONICLE comedy by Me! Chapter 28: Onewa’s Revenge Matau: Hey, is that computer charged yet? Nokama: Huh? Don’t look at me, how should I know? Matau: Because you used it last! ...What were you doing on there, anyway? Nokama: Oh, just updating my Maskbook profile with the latest pictures from that contest, of course. There were some pretty great ones! Matau: Uhh...none of them were too embarrassing of me, were they, I hope? Nokama: Of course not! Matau: Phew. Nokama: No worries, the only embarrassing pictures I took were all of Other Matau. See, there’s Other Matau drowning in 1-inch-deep puddles, Other Matau standing on his head and riverdancing around the room, Other Matau pouring ketchup on his head and singing “O Canada,” Other Matau-- Matau: Well, that’s good. So how do they know it’s Other Matau, and not me? Nokama: ... Matau: DELETE THOSE PICTURES NOW!! Nokama: Too late! Already posted. Matau: Now everyone’s gonna think those are of me! Nokama: At least I didn’t post the ones I actually took of you! Those were even more embarrassing than Other Matau’s. For example, there’s one of you sucking your thumb and doing your best baby imitation, one of you pogo-bouncing through the roof while Roporak douses you in cheese, one of you holding an aardvark and a bottle of Thornax while wearing Whenua’s drills for a hat while you-- Matau: OOOOOOKAY THAT’S ENOUGH OF THAT! How about we start my show? Nokama: Aww, you’re no fun. *Matau and Nokama walk into the living room to see...* Matau: Okay Vohtarak, you know the drill. Get off the computer. Vohtarak: Actually, Whenua’s the one who knows the drill. Two of them, in fact. Matau and Nokama: Vohtarak: Oh come on, I’m hilarious! Matau: Not really. Now move! Vohtarak: Can’t. Matau: Wanna bet? *holds up Aero Slicers* Vohtarak: No, I mean I literally can’t move. I grafted myself to the computer desk so I could keep playing Hordika Spinner Challenge! This game’s so addicting! Matau: You’re kidding me, right? Vohtarak: Nope! Nokama: *sighs* Anybody know any Toa of Iron around here that can un-graft him? *Oohnorak suddenly swings into the room on a web* Oohnorak: Never fear! I, Toa Oohnorak, Toa of Un-Grafting Visorak From Chairs, shall help you out! Nokama: Umm...why are you wearing a cardboard cut-out of a very wide Kanohi Suletu? Oohnorak: So I can read minds and find out where I’m most needed, duh. Nokama: Sure you can. Oohnorak: Anyway, watch this! *Oohnorak pulls out a spray-can and sprays the computer chair with it, which starts dissolving out from under Vohtarak* Vohtarak: Hey, don’t--OUCH! Oohnorak: There! Vohtarak’s no longer grafted to the chair. That’ll be five widgets, please. Matau: Fine, here you go. *gives Oohnorak the widgets* Nokama: How’d you manage to dissolve a chair, anyway? Oohnorak: I used my Toa powers, of course. Anyway, I’m off to do some Toa-ing somewhere else! Bye! *Oohnorak web-swings away* Vohtarak: Great. Now my butt hurts. *Nokama picks up the discarded spray-can and reads the label* Nokama: “Nuparu’s Patented Acidic Spray: Made with Real Lehvak Acid! Use For Dissolving Chairs That May Have Been Accidentally Grafted To Visorak Butts.” Huh. That’s oddly specific. Matau: Explains Oohnorak’s “Toa powers” anyway. By the way, where’s Whenua? Nokama: I’m not sure, actually. I think he’s in the basement. Matau: He can join us later, then. How about we start the show? Computer: Very well. Opening e-mail program now. *Matau goes to sit at the computer and falls through the non-existent chair* Matau: Ouch! Hey, where’d the chair go? Nokama: Oohnorak dissolved it, remember? Matau: You’re kidding me. I have to STAND? Nokama: Or you could just, I don’t know, grab a chair from the other room. Y’know. Just a thought. Matau: I can’t believe I have to stand. For my show. I always sit down at the computer, it’s a TRADITION! Nokama: We do own more than one chair, you know. Matau: This is all Oohnorak’s fault! And Vohtarak’s for grafting himself to the chair in the first place. And probably Onewa’s, too, somehow. Nokama: We’ve got tons of chairs in the kitchen! Which is like a few feet away from you. It’s honestly not that hard. Matau: This is ruining everything. Absolutely unfair. How dare they? Nokama: Are you even listening to me? Matau: Standing...grumble grumble...the nerve of those Visorak... Nokama: Typical. Matau: Alright, fine. *uses wind powers to blow the computer up to his standing height* Nokama: You. Could. Have. Just. Gotten. A. Different. CHAIR! Matau: Finally, let’s just start the show! Even if I do have to stand. Nokama: :facepalm: Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions, and emoticon villains arguing, and mail calling me ugly, and extortion mail, and mail from other Lewa0111 comedies, and people stealing my DVD, and crazy crossovers, and messages about me becoming a Turaga for some reason, and food obsessions taken way too far, and love letters for Whenua, and fake Mataus) and I (and Nokama, and Whenua, and Lewa0111) answer them in hilarious ways! Computer: You have an absurdly high number of new messages, most of which are some manner of spam. Matau: Wow, that’s nice of you. Eddie, do your stuff. Eddie the Spam Deleter: Computer: Spam deleted. You have 6 new messages. Keelerak: “Onewawesome?” That physically hurt my brain to hear. Matau: Tell me about it. Wait, where’d you come from? Keelerak: I was in here the whole time. I’m just quiet. Matau: Oh, okay. Nokama: I think we know where the flashback generator went… Matau: Joke’s on Onewa. I won’t be embarrassed because I just won’t go on YouTahu and watch them! Out of sight, out of mind! Keelerak: But what if other people watch them? Matau: Who would ever watch that, when there are so many better videos on YouTahu? Like videos of pet Muaka doing funny things? Or videos mashing up clips from TV shows? Or videos mashing up clips of pet Muaka doing funny things? Or clips from TV shows of videos? Or videos of clips from TV shows of pet Muaka mashing up clips of videos? Nokama: Now I’m just confused. Keelerak: You’re not the only one. Matau: Whatever. I’m just gonna ignore you, Onewa! HA! Computer: Message 2. Matau: Umm...what...how could anyone know this? Nokama: *on a randomly appeared laptop* From this video: “Matau Gets Smacked By Vakama For 10 Minutes While I Play Unfitting Music” posted by “onewarockson.” Matau: Let me see that! *grabs laptop* Roporak: Hey Matau! Why didn’t you tell us you once wore a wheel of cheese on your head for a day for a bet? That looks hilarious! And delicious... Suukorak: … Suuorak’s Subtitles: {I like this video “Romance FAIL! Matau Asking Nokama Out Montage.” It’s five hours long, can you believe it?} Whenua: I never knew you did ballet as a Matoran! That frilly dress looks hilarious on you. You should send it to Metru Nui’s Funniest Home Videos, you could make tons of money! Vohtarak: There’s even a video of you from a few minutes ago falling on your butt! How’s that even possible? Keelerak: “Matau Crashes A Sky Slicer Into Metru Nui,” “Matau’s Cloud-Cleaver Crashes Hilariously,” “Matau Fails To Fly Matau-Copter...” wait, you actually built a copter that looks like your own face? When was this? Matau: WOULD YOU ALL JUST STOP IT!?!?!?!?!?!? Pohatu: By the way, I love this video that’s a musical montage of all the times you used exclamation points and question marks together! Matau: Weird joke, wrong comedy, would you just get out of here? *shoves Pohatu back through time-comedy warp vortex* Boggarak: Unfair. Videos of Matau are trending all over the NuiNet. Why do people watch this garbage? Keelerak: I don’t believe it! The entire front page of YouTahu is covered in embarrassing Matau flashback videos. Matau: UGH, STOP IT, NUINET! STOP IT, ONEWA! Nokama: I hate to say “I told you so,” but...well, I did tell you so. Matau: What are you talking about? Nokama: If you’d just let me have the flashback generator, it wouldn’t have gone to Pluto, Onewa wouldn’t have gotten it, and you wouldn’t be in this mess. Matau: I hate it when you’re right. Computer: Now downloading every video posted in the last 24 hours by user “onewarockson” on YouTahu.com and saving them forever. Matau: Okay, now you’re just doing that on purpose. Computer: Matau: Look, just post the next message already! Matau: Wow. First ever chapter of my show. Brings back memories... Whenua: You’re not upset about this one? Matau: Nah. We flashbacked to that exact scene already in my show, so it’s already been visible for years on TV. Not sure why Onewa posted that. Keelerak: If I had to guess, it’s because he’s already proven himself to be an even bigger moron than you. Matau: Exactly! ...Wait. Nokama: Regardless, we can’t do anything about this right now. You should keep going and ignore Onewa. He wants you to get mad at him! Matau: Good idea! Thanks, beautiful! *SLAP!* Boggarak: Well, that was predictable. Matau: Whatever. Computer, just post the next messssage! Computer: Messssage 3. Matau: Computer: You did say “Messssage,” not “Message.” Matau: Oh. You know what I meant! Computer: True, but this was funnier. Matau: Do you want me to replace you with a Bula computer instead? Computer: Matau: That’s what I thought. Display next MESSAGE. Matau: Who the Karzahni is Justin Bieber? Nokama: I don’t know. But he sounds cute! Matau: In that case, I’d punch him in the face so he stops being cute. No one’s allowed to be more attractive than me! Also, I don’t like his name, so I’d make him legally change it to...umm...Dust-bin...Jeepers. Yeah! Dust-bin Jeepers! Nokama: Now that just sounds like the name of a janitor. Matau: Maybe he is a janitor! I mean, it could happen. Nokama: Maybe. I kind of want to go find out who he is, though. Matau: Me too. So I can confirm if he’s really an ugly janitor. I hope so! Nokama: You’re so vain. Matau: Thanks! I think? Nokama, Whenua, and All Visorak: Matau: ...What? Computer: Next message. Matau: Oh, come on! You just eliminated my top three favorite shows. Not counting Ask Matau!, of course. I’d have to say Bionicle 4.5: Matau Is The Coolest. Keelerak: Umm, Matau? That’s a movie. Not a TV show. Matau: But one time they showed it on TV, and split it into multiple parts to fit it into the time slot. So it counts, right? Keelerak: Matau: Nokama: Aren’t there any shows you like that don’t have you in them? Matau: Why would I watch those? They’re boring. Nokama: So anything without you in it is boring? Matau: Well, yeah, obviously. Oh wait! Nokama: You thought of a show without you in it that you like? Matau: No, that’s ridiculous. I thought of another show about me that isn’t on the list! “Matau’s Hangar,” where I show off all my awesome vehicles and piloting skills. Boggarak: What piloting skills? The ones where you crash constantly? Matau: Nope, no way, what are you talking about? I’ve never crashed. Ever. Never ever. Boggarak: These dozens of videos on YouTahu with millions of views beg to differ. Matau: CURSE YOU, ONEWA! Computer: Next message. Matau: Let me guess. Bob the Pirate? Voldemort? Bob the Voldemort? Maybe the Other Matau, Onewa, somebody else who’s weird for the sake of messing with my mind? I’m not falling for this. Keelerak: Actually, whoever wrote this has a point. Or, rather, had a point. Matau: You’re taking their side? Keelerak: Calm down, Matau! I’m just saying. Suukorak: ... Suukorak’s Subtitles: {I think I see what you mean, Keelerak. You might have been fading away since you’ve been gone, but not anymore. Thanks to Onewa, ironically enough.} Whenua: Good point! Yeah, I think all those embarrassing videos of you are a good thing! Matau: Why would me being embarrassed all over the NuiNet be a good thing? Whenua: Because you’re relevant again. Look how many views you’re getting! People are watching you! Even if they are embarrassing videos...they’re still videos of you. Matau: Oh yeah. You’re right! Millions of people all over the Matoran Universe are watching ME! And why wouldn’t they? No matter what I’m doing, I’m still the awesomest Toa-Hero who ever lived. Thanks, guys! Keelerak: Anytime. Whenua: What are friends for? Nokama: *whispering* Whenua? Was it really a good idea to give him an even more inflated ego? Whenua: *whispering* He may get annoying at times, but we’re still his friends. And if anybody’s going to find embarrassing flashbacks about him to post on TV, it should be us. Nokama: *shrugs* Matau: You know what? I’ve got something to say to Onewa. Boggarak: Literal Air Mail. Of course. How predictable. Matau: Actually, no. No literal mail of any kind this time. I’ve got something even better! Boggarak: Matau: Computer, let’s compose a message... *Meanwhile, at Onewa’s house* Onewa’s Computer: You’ve got mail! Onewa: Ha. Is it fan mail from my YouTahu account? I still haven’t heard anything from the viewers. Onewa’s Computer: Displaying message. Onewa: What the--? How can--what is--I don’t--Marka said--penguin land--banana boat--ARRRGH! ASLKDJFLAWIJETROISJDLRKJGSIJROGIJAOJPWERJ! PLANS! RUINED! HOW! EGO! VIDEOS! FLASHBACK! DONE! COW! PICKLE! PIE! FSHJIFSOIJOIEJRXTDJX SUDHGOAIORTE HUSAFIJASOTIJ AUSHFOAIUOIA AUEFKJAEUFXSG SNVJNEIKWI~! Onewa’s Computer: ...Did you just pronounce a bunch of randomly mashed keys out loud? Onewa: Maybe. Onewa’s Computer: Okay then. Onewa: Fine, you irritating Toa of Wind! Take it! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *chucks flashback generator halfway across Metru Nui to land in Matau’s house* *Back in Matau’s house* *CRASH!* Nokama: Huh. There’s the flashback generator. Matau: Yoink! I’ll take that, thank you very much. Thanks, Onewa! Whenua: Now what are you going to do? Nokama: I’m curious. That was a very...oddly mature response for your standards. Matau: Thanks! Wait, what do you mean “oddly?” I’m always mature! Nokama: Sure you are. Matau: I’m going to use this, of course. I want to watch Onewa’s reaction to that message...again...again...and again...and again...and again... Nokama: There’s the Matau we all know and love, er, tolerate. Oohnorak: Hey Matau, can I borrow that when you’re done? Matau: Sure, why? Oohnorak: I want to be popular on YouTahu too! I’m gonna find all of my most embarrassing moments and post them. Keelerak: Me too! Vohtarak: Can I go after him? Matau: I’m gonna have to make a sign-in tablet. But we can worry about that later. I’ve got a show to finish! Computer: You have one more message remaining. Matau: Ooh, I bet it’s gonna be a good one! Computer: Displaying now: Everyone: Matau: Nonsense. No sender. Pure gibberish. And short. Delete please! Computer: BRAAMP! Deleted! Matau: ...That last question was oddly anticlimactic. Nokama: Yeah, kinda was. Are you sure you don’t want a chair, by the way? Matau: Are you kidding me? You waited until NOW to offer me a new chair? Nokama: :facepalm: Oohnorak: Hey Roporak, wanna make some cheese webbing outside and get stuck in it? I bet it’ll be an awesome video to post! Roporak: CHEESE! Oohnorak: ...I’ll take that as a “yes.” Matau: Nokama, want to go out with the latest NuiNet star? By which I mean me, of course, and-- *SLAP!* Vohtarak: Anyone got any acid-spray-proof chairs? I’ve got to get back to Spinner Challenge! Suukorak: ... Boggarak: Typical. We’re all so quick to devolve into our stereotypes again. Keelerak: You’re one to talk. First word out of your mouth after the show and it’s you being cynical as always. Boggarak: D’oh! You’re right! END Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 3,001 words. ~Lewa# Studios

Halfway there; 5 more players needed! Lewa0111 Nuva

Welcome back to the misadventures of everyone’s favorite hotel staff! The Nuva Inn A BIONICLE comedy by Me! Chapter 38: A New Obsession OR Never Split The Party...And This Is Why Onua: Finally. No more Naming Day song parodies! Narrator: Well, actually, that’s not true. We need to decide the winner of the contest! Onua: Oh, come on, really? It’s the middle of June! Narrator: Beginning of June. Onua: We all know by the time Lewa0111 actually finishes this chapter and posts it, it’ll be like halfway through October. Lewa0111: Hey, give me some credit! I’m done with school now, so I can write more chapters! Onua: Wait, you’re done with school? Lewa0111: Yep! Onua: ...Please tell me there’s not another Special Edition School’s Out Chapter incoming! Narrator: Luckily that’ll wait until next time. But to answer your question, yes. Onua: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Narrator: Today’s chapter opens just after Lewa suddenly remembered that they do, in fact, have a hotel to run. *In the lobby...* BEC: *passing guests hyperly past the front desk* Thanksthatllbe2873648765widgetsyoureinroom723646haveaniceday! Nexthiyoudlikearoomfor5nightsthatllbe2397826widgetsyoureinroom123haveaniceday! Nexthiyouwantaroomwithapoolthatllbeinfinitewidgetsyoureinroom932012haveaniceday! Fred: ...How are you doing that? BEC: Doingwhat? *More guests show up* Okhiyoudlikearoomforfivesecondsthatllbe0.000000000000001widgetsyoureinroom3haveaniceday! Fred: That. Predicting what they want before they even say anything. BEC: Ohthatseasysugargivesmemindreadingpowers! OrmaybeIjustmakestuffup. Fred: Somehow I think it’s the second one. BEC: Ohyeahcanyoupassmetheextrastrengthcaffeinatedsugar? Imrunninglow. Fred: You’re running low? That’s POSSIBLE? BEC: Shutupandgiveittome. Fred: I don’t have any hands. I’m a Kraata. BEC: OhyeahIforgot. FineIlljustmakePohatudoit. Pohatu: I’m running as fast as I can! But I have 28736495827649587269458 bags to carry, and all of them are filled with anvils for some reason! Random Matoran #35: The Metru Nui Anvil Collectors’ Convention is in town today! And we brought a friend! Pohatu: Friend? *Livna the anvil from Chapter 2 falls from the sky and lands on Pohatu’s head* Pohatu: *sighs* Just my luck. *Ice sprays across the floor, followed by Kopaka skidding into the lobby on his ice skates* Kopaka: So many rooms to clean. Why did we waste so much time on dumb antics? BEC: Lewasfaultprobably. Lewa (from Manager’s Suite on the top floor): I HEARD THAT! BEC, Kopaka, Pohatu, and Fred: ...HOW? *BEC goes back to helping the guests* Onua: Hey, has anyone seen Gali? Fred: Which one? Onua: Either of them... Fred: No idea, sorry. Why? Onua: I was putting up advertisements outside near the pool and I saw a bunch of weirdly-named Po-Matoran drowning in the kiddie pool. No lifeguard to be found. Fred: Huh. Weird. Did you check the restaurant? Onua: No, why would she be in there? Fred: Tahu. Onua: Oh. Right. Gotta go! *In the restaurant...* Takanuva (repeatedly repairing the kitchen as Tahu keeps making it explode*: Can--*ZAP!--you--*ZAP!*--drench--*ZAP!*--him?--*ZAP!*--can’t--*ZAP!*--keep--*ZAP!*--this--*ZAP!*--up--*ZAP!*--forever!--*ZAP!* Gali: Gladly. I’m sure nothing bad is happening in the pool while I’m gone. Eat water, Tahu! Tahu: But I don’t want to--MMMPH! :onwater: Gali: That’s not even a real emoticon. Thanks, Gali. Gali: No problem! *Onua wanders in* Onua: Wait, what? Gali, why did you just talk to yourself? Takanuva: Weird. I thought I said the line about :onwater: not being real! What the--YOU GET BACK HERE! RLC: Ha, ha! *jigs away* Tava: Never mind, I’ve got him! I need to try out my new Anti-Rahkshi Pie! I’ve been working on it ever since the Rahkshi attacked way back when. *Tava lifts two pies in his hands and runs after the RLC* Tahu: Not without me you don’t! He could use a little fire with that pie! Gali: No, Tahu, don’t! Narrator: The RLC, Tava, and Tahu, followed closely by an exasperated Gali, raced into the lobby where they collided with Pohatu, who was balancing 9,321 bags of anvils on his head. Predictably, they flew everywhere, smacking into the walls and making the structure start to creak. Takanuva: I’m seriously running out of light, guys... *ZAP!* Onua: Can somebody just catch that stupid Rahkshi? BEC: SUREthingwecanhandleitrightFred? Fred: Do I have a choice? Narrator: BEC hyperly dashed forward, Fred’s vines ready to attack the ever-present Rahkshi, when a certain white-armored janitator skidded in from the other side, plowing into the RLC and smashing it straight into the other Toa (and Ko-Matoran, Kraata, and Rahkshi). They all collapsed into a heap...with a now very angry Tahu at the bottom of the pile. Pohatu: At least the hotel’s still standing! Narrator: ...Said very angry Tahu then promptly unleashed a Nova Blast on everything in the area. Lewa: Oww...my spleen… Gali: BIONICLE characters don’t even have spleens! Lewa: We don’t? Gali: Nope. Lewa: Aww...but “oww my gears” isn’t nearly as funny to say! Gali: Well, tough. Now where’s that red-armored pyromaniac? I’m going to dump an entire ocean on his head! Lewa: *suddenly sits up* WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MONEY? IS IT SAFE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Onua: *digs out of the ground* ...Isn’t your money at the bank? Hi, by the way. Lewa: Hi to you too. And no, I withdrew all my widgets to fill the money pool with...uh, I mean...to invest in financial business accounting claim budgets! Yeah! Fiscal survey quarter profit margin executive corporation! Entrepreneur abstract balance oligomarket commodity rate securities 401K! Gali: Did you understand any of that? Onua: Nope. Gali: Okay good, me neither. Lewa: TAKANUVA! Somebody rebuild my Manager’s Suite, STAT! Takanuva: “Stat?” I’m not a doctor... Lewa: This is an emergency! My money’s gone, and so is my Manager’s Suite! Onua: And, y’know, the entire hotel. Not like that’s important or anything. Lewa: Yes, yes, that too. Takanuva, rebuild everything, fast! Or the customers will get angry! Takanuva: *shrugs* Sorry. I’m completely out of light. Lewa: See those big bright yellow things up in the sky? They’re SUNS. Which make LIGHT. Which is INFINITE. Takanuva: I know, but it has to warm up first! I can’t just go on using my elemental powers infinitely! Lewa: WHY THE FLIPPING BRAKAS KARZAHNI DO THE SUNS NEED TO WARM UP!? Takanuva: I dunno. Ask GregF. He designed my powers. Everyone but Takanuva and Onua: Who? Onua: Hey, only I’m allowed to break the fourth wall in this comedy! That’s reserved for Earth elemental characters only! Takanuva: Says who? Narrator: Says me. I put up with enough criticisms from Onua; don’t need you adding to the mix. Takanuva: Make me. Narrator: Fine! “Then Takanuva suddenly lost all memories of things beyond the fourth wall.” Takanuva: Uhh...ok...what was I doing again? Onua: That is a very useful power. Takanuva: What power? What are you talking about? Onua: Never mind. So, what do we do now? We’ve got no hotel. Lewa: And no money! And no smoothie machine! And no massage chairs! Gali: Well, first things first, where’s Tahu? Onua: ...Come to think of it, where’s the rest of the staff? *Krekka randomly wanders by* Krekka: I found the staff! Yay! *holds up Vakama’s Firestaff* Turaga Vakama: Give me that, you whippersnapper! I’ll throw my dentures at you! *Krekka and Vakama wander off somewhere* Lewa, Gali, Takanuva, and Onua: Onua: Krekka notwithstanding, I’m serious. Where’s the other Toa? And BEC and Fred? Takanuva: Now that you mention it, where are the guests? Onua: Right. Forgot about them. Lewa: I say we get that hotel built. And to do that, we need light. Gali: And to do that, we need...TAHU. Of all people. Takanuva: No. *crickets chirping* Takanuva: Huh. Was half expecting Kopaka to appear out of nowhere just then. I’m actually weirdly disappointed, somehow. ...Uh, don’t tell him I said that. Lewa: So the suns are “warm enough” now? Takanuva: That’s not what I meant! I meant that there’s more than one Toa of Fire on Metru Nui. Gali, you’ve got a list, don’t you? Gali: Of course! Got it right here. Narrator: Gali then pulled out a several-foot-high tablet from her Toa-Pocket and read a spot near the top. Gali: Let’s see...Tahu’s not even on here, weird. Guess he’s no longer on Metru Nui. However, there’s Toa Norik, Toa Vakama, and Jaller Inika currently in the city! Let’s just find one of them to help! Takanuva: WAIT, wait, what? Did you just say “Jaller Inika?” Gali: Yeah, why? Takanuva: Shouldn’t he be a Mahri by now? Considering he never even sets foot on Metru Nui as an Inika, ever. Onua: And for that matter, how’s Vakama a Toa when we just saw him as a Turaga a few seconds ago? Lewa: And why is Norik...why is he...umm...okay I guess that one makes sense. Onua: Lewa0111, you’re not even TRYING at this point. (Guilty!) Gali: Regardless of non-storyline-sense-making-ness, let’s just try to find one of them. This says Jaller Inika’s closest, in Ga-Metru. That’s just a few blocks that way! Lewa: Okay, let’s go! Then let’s rebuild my Manager’s Suite! Gali: ...And the rest of the hotel. Lewa: Fine. That too. Kopaka: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! *CRASH!* Pohatu: Oww...why is it always me? Kopaka: Sorry. *gets off of Pohatu’s head* BEC: Ohheyguysyoureback! GladIfoundyouweweregettingprettyswamped! Kopaka: Dealing with the guests? Fred: No, he means literally “swamped.” My powers went a bit haywire after that explosion. Narrator: They all glanced over to see an entire block of Po-Metru had been submerged in water and swamp plants, with several Po-Matoran huddling for dear life on a tiny patch of dry ground. Kopaka: Huh. You were serious. BEC: YepofcoursewereseriousalsowecantfindTahuLewaGaliPohatuandTakanuvaanywhere! Kopaka: I assume Takanuva said “no” at some point, then. Would explain my earlier scream. BEC: Wait. Youdontscreamnormallywhenyoufallfromthesky? Kopaka: Not usually. BEC: Okthatsweird. Tava: Hey, Pohatu!! Can you give me a hand here? Narrator: Pohatu promptly pulled off his handpiece and tossed it at the Toa of Pie. Tava: Even I can’t make a pie out of this. I meant “can you help me.” Pohatu: Oh. Sorry! Tava: ...Though come to think of it, I haven’t actually TRIED making a Handpiece Pie...Anyway, I built a temporary hotel for all of the guests! I need you to carry their stuff. Pohatu: Please tell me they aren’t all filled with anvils this time! Random Matoran #35: Nope! This time it’s the City-wide Brick Collectors’ Gala! Our bags are all filled to the brim with heavy bricks! Pohatu: :facepalm: Tava: So yeah, I just built a hotel out of pie! Isn’t it awesome? Though it’s really hard to resist eating it. Fred: Well...it’s certainly...uh...unique? Kopaka: Are we going to stand around forever? Or are we going to return to the hotel? Tava: Dunno, I kinda like the new hotel I made! So...much...pie... Fred: Assuming there’s even a hotel left to return to. BEC: DoesntmatterwecanjustmakeTakanuvarebuildit! Fred: Also we need to fix Po-Metru first. BEC: MakeTakanuvadothattoo! Fred: And we should find the others. Y’know, including Takanuva. Who isn’t actually HERE right now. BEC: MakeTakanuvado--ohwaityeahyourerighthesnothere. Duh. Fred: *muttering* Of all the Matoran to buy me from that pet store...had to be you... BEC: Imassumingthatsacomplimentnowletsgettowork! Firstthingsfirstanybodygotanysugar? Tava: I can make a Sugar Pie! Here! *grabs said pie out of the hotel’s walls and pies BEC in the face with it* Random Ga-Matoran In Bath: HEY! Give me back my wall! Tava: Oops, my bad! *conjures a new pie with his powers and fills the hole back in* BEC: Wellthatwasembarrassing. Kopaka: Let’s get this place cleaned up already. Enough antics. Narrator: Kopaka then began by freezing all of the swamp water, turning all of Po-Metru into an impromptu ice rink, while the others started cutting down the random swamp pants that Fred had accidentally grown everywhere. Pohatu: Hey Fred, I didn’t know you could control pants too! Fred: Neither did I. I guess pants are technically made of plants, so I can, in fact, control pants after all. Who knew? *Meanwhile, on the island of Mata Nui(‘s face)...* Tahu: Finally. Everyone got off of me. Talk about a pain. Narrator: Having washed up on a barren beach, Tahu got to his feet and began to look around. Tahu: Come to think of it, where is everyone else? And the hotel? ...For that matter, where the heck am I? HELLO! *crickets chirping* Tahu: HELLO! HELLOOOOOOOO! JELLOOOOOOOOOO!! ...hey, what the--? RLC: Ha, ha! *breakdances away* Tahu: BET GACK PIER!! Grr... Zaktan: Hey Tahu, wanna buy a trash can? Tahu: ON! Zaktan: Tahu: Awesome RLC...ugh I love that guy. What, now he’s his own personal word filter too? Zaktan: I think you want my trash can. Here! *dumps Tahu into a trash can* Tahu: WHAT THE KARZAHNI!! Narrator: Due to the force of the “burnmad” emoticon, the trash can exploded, sending Tahu flying face-first into the side of Mount Ihu. Tahu: Oww my head...hey, I escaped that trash can! Cool! Turaga Matau: *appears* That’s my line, copyright stealer! Keetongu: I HAVE COPYRIGHTS COPYRIGHTED YOU DUMB LITTLE TOY TURAGA!! Tahu: Oh, great. Stranded on an island with nothing but the Running Jokes. Fantastic. OF: What’s that? Did you want to become a Running Joke? Tahu: Wait a sec, you’re still a character? Since when? OF: Since forever. Not my fault I mostly sit in the background zapping random Matoran with my powers when I get bored. I can zap you, too, if you want! Tahu: Uh, no thanks. I already have an obsession. It’s called BURN STUFF! Narrator: Tahu tried to burn the Toa of Obsessions, but reflexively OF shot a burst of his own power back at the Toa of Fire. The combination of their attacks, as cartoon logic dictates, caused an explosion when they hit, ripping a hole through the ice and sending them both plummeting through the ground below. Tahu: I LOVE WATER!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OF: Yowch, hot! It burns! Tahu: I HOPE WE FALL IN THE OCEAN! OF: Umm. Okay, now this is just disturbing. *Meanwhile, in Ga-Metru...* Jaller: Hahli... Hahli: Jaller... Everyone Else On Metru Nui: GET A ROOM, YOU TWO! Jaller: Hahli... Hahli: Jaller... Narrator: It wasn’t long before Gali’s group-- Onua: Why not Onua’s group? It’s because you hate me, isn’t it? Narrator: ...Maybe. Onua: You know what? Fair enough. Narrator: Anyway, it wasn’t long before GALI’S group spotted the two lovebirds. One blast of water from Gali was enough to shock them into reality. Jaller: You’re lucky we’re not Mahri yet, or that wouldn’t have bothered me. What do you want? Onua: Never mind how that makes no storyline sense whatsoever. Jaller: Umm...? Gali: Never mind about him. We need your help. Takanuva: I drained my elemental powers trying to fix a kitchen 99 billion times. Don’t ask. We need your fire to re-light the suns! Jaller: Wait, you actually ran out of light? Takanuva: As weird as that seems. Yes. *Meanwhile, in Po-Metru...* Kopaka: HA! Fred: Kopaka, why’d you just laugh randomly? Kopaka: No idea. I just suddenly had the urge to shout “ha.” Fred: A mystery for the ages, I suppose. *Back in Ga-Metru...* Jaller: Okay, we’ll help you. Onua: Wow, that was easy. Jaller: But in return, we want a free stay at your deluxe suite! Lewa: We don’t have a deluxe suite! Gali: Lewa, we don’t even have a hotel. Lewa: Good point. Even if we did, we wouldn’t give it to you for free, though! Jaller: Fine, then we won’t help you. Takanuva: Lewa, without his help, we won’t have a hotel at all. Then you’ll be making ZERO money. Lewa: Wait, WHAT? Okay, fine, deal! Jaller: No comment. Let’s just get started! *In Po-Metru, some time later...* BEC: WHEWfinallyokweredone! Fred: All pants--and plants--taken care of! Kopaka: Time to find the others. But can we leave Takanuva behind? Fred: NO. Kopaka: Aww, why not? Fred: Because. Kopaka: Okay, fine. Pohatu: So...many...bricks...*faints* BEC: NevermindhimletsjustdraghimbehindustimetogotoGaMetru! Tava: Why Ga-Metru? The hotel’s in Le-Metru. Though I’d like to hang on to the new hotel! I’m thinking of calling it “The Pieva Inn!” Fred: I’m having horrible flashbacks to the crossover saga... Tava: *pouts* You’re no fun. Kopaka: Others are in Ga-Metru. Don’t know why. Fred: How do you know that? Kopaka: *points* Because I can see them. Narrator: They all glanced over to where Kopaka was pointing, seeing that the border between Po- and Ga-Metru was only a few feet away the whole time. BEC: Wellthatexplainswhereallthewaterintheswampcamefrom. Gali: Hi, everyone! Surprised to see you here! Everyone: I’m a Po-Matoran. I live in Po-Metru. Where else would I be? Onua: Appearing randomly whenever Lewa0111 wants to make a silly pun? Everyone: Good point. I do tend to do that. *Everyone wanders off somewhere* Lewa: Where have you all been? BEC: Cleaningupaswamp! Lewa: ...What? Fred: Don’t ask. Onua: So where are the guests? Don’t tell me you all left them stranded! Tava: No worries! I took care of it. Gali: Why am I suddenly terrified? Lewa: Anyway, is Tahu with you? Fred: Tahu? No. We assumed he was with you. Lewa: FANTASTIC. Jaller: Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered! Lewa: I know, but if Tahu was here, he could just do it for free! Gali: Why would he do that? Lewa: Because I’m the manager and I’d just order him to do it. Duh. Gali: *sighs* Of course. Takanuva: Well? If you want me to rebuild the hotel, we should head over to Le-Metru. No sense dawdling around here. Tava: But I like my pie hotel better! It’s so...pieish. Takanuva: NO. Kopaka: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!! Takanuva: We are not having another repeat of the Pieism saga. Once was bad enough. Tava: But my pieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... Narrator: Some time later, all the hotel staff (minus Tahu) had assembled for the Grand Re-Re-Opening of the Nuva Inn. Takanuva, with Jaller’s help, had rebuilt the entire thing in about ten minutes, and had even added a deluxe suite this time around. Takanuva: Well, it’s all finished! Time to let the guests back in. Tava: Do we HAVE to? Lewa: Yes. That’s precious money we’re wasting here! Narrator: However, before they could continue debating the merits of pie-hotels versus regular hotels, Kopaka pointed up. Kopaka: Something’s coming down. Very fast. Gali: I don’t see--right, Akaku. Duh. Kopaka: It appears to be...two Toa? Lewa: Is it Tahu? I WANT MY REFUND, JALLER! Jaller: Too late! Lewa: Aww. Kopaka: Incoming. It’s definitely Tahu and OF. Tahu’s laughing weirdly, and OF is on fire. Onua: *shrugs* Sounds pretty normal. Gali: LOOK OUT! Narrator: Tava quickly conjured a Trampoline Pie and hurled it with perfect accuracy onto the roof of the hotel. OF landed safely on the pie, bouncing quickly and safely, but Tahu at the last second veered away from the pie. Gali: Oh no. What’s he doing? Narrator: Tahu adjusted his trajectory until he was directly on course for the pool. Tahu: YAY WATER WATER WATERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! YIPPEE! Onua: Okay, this is definitely not normal! LOOK OUT! Tava: I’m out of pies! Not good! Lewa: MY CEILING! *CRASH!* Narrator: Some time later, everyone had gone into the pool room to survey the damage and check on Tahu. The Toa of Fire was splashing around in the shallow end happily, flinging water everywhere. Tahu: YAY FOR WATER! THIS IS AWESOME! Everyone Besides Tahu: Gali: I’m suddenly terrified. What is wrong with the universe? Onua: What’s wrong with OF, more like. Lewa: TAKANUVA! Fix that roof now! Takanuva: No. Kopaka: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! Takanuva: I’m out of light again. I just built an entire hotel! Lewa: Just make Tahu recharge your powers, then! Tahu, hit him with some fire, ok? Tahu: I hate fire! Water is the best! Lewa: :facepalm: Jaller: Never fear, I’ll take care of it! ...For an extra two weeks in our deluxe suite, that is. Lewa: *huffs* Okay. Fine. Do it, then. Narrator: Jaller quickly recharged Takanuva, who in turn repaired the roof of the hotel instantly. Jaller: There you go! We’re off to stay in our new suite now! *Jaller and Hahli leave* Tahu: Can I be the new lifeguard now please please pleeeeeeeeeeeeease? Lewa: I suppose... Tahu: WOOHOO!! BEST JOB EVER! Gali: I guess I’ll just be full-time front desky person from now on, then. BEC: Waitwaitisntthatmyjob? Lewa: You can take Tahu’s old job in the kitchen. Just don’t eat ALL the sugar. BEC: OkaycoolIlltakeit! Lewa: And I’ll be in my Manager’s Suite. Doing managery things. As usual. Takanuva: Uh, Lewa? Lewa: What? Takanuva: I should probably point out that...you know where your Manager’s Suite used to be? Lewa: Yeah. What about it? Takanuva: I sort of used that spot to put Jaller’s new Deluxe Suite. I can’t put it back to normal until his free weeks are used up. Lewa: You. Did. WHAT!? Takanuva: And that’s my cue to leave. Bye! Lewa: YOU GET BACK HERE! THE END Onua: Hey, Narrator, we didn’t find out who won the contest! Narrator: Yeah, about that. We had a meeting of the Lewa# Studios Council of Author-Type Beings during this chapter. Onua: There’s a council? Who’s in it? Narrator: Me, the Caption and Title Writing Guys, Lewa0111 obviously, Lehrak1222, Gali1000, and the Narratorrahk. Onua: Weird. So what did you decide? Narrator: We barely have any votes at all. As of right now Fred’s song is winning, but all of the votes were in before the final singing contest chapter was in. So we’re giving everyone a new chance to vote for their favorite winners. By the next TNI chapter, we’ll have our answer. Onua: Sounds like a lame cop-out to me. Narrator: It’s the truth! Besides, you guys had enough to deal with in this chapter, didn’t you? Onua: *shrugs* A fair point. Narrator: So get your votes in, everyone! Everyone: I already voted! Onua: I don’t think he was talking about you. Everyone: I hate having such a weird name... Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 3,650 words. ~Lewa# Studios

Okay, you're all on the list! Just 7 more players Lewa0111 Nuva

"Lewa," said one of the Jungle Tribe Agori as he entered the Toa's small hut. "You haven't come out of there for weeks. What's wrong?" Lewa sighed. "I'm just sad. I finally got to go on a journey-quest of my own, and not only do I end up body-swapped with Tren Krom of all people, then finally get un-swapped, then shoved into vacuum-space, then end up here...but I don't even get a good-proper end-resolution! The story just ended here, and now I'm stuck in this village for all eternity-time. No offense." "It's okay, I understand," said the Agori. "By the way, are you Tarduk-Agori?" "No. We look nothing alike!" Lewa took in all the Jungle Agori walking around, all wearing the exact same mask helmet, with the same tools, and the same color scheme. "You all look the same; I can't tell you different-apart. Sorry." "Racist." "Huh-what?" "You know what, never mind. How about we cheer you up?" "Really? And how will you do-make that?" "I have an idea..." WELCOME TO SAD, SAD LEWA: THE GAME! With the rebooted universe freezing lots of Gen 1 characters' stories to a halt, Lewa's feeling pretty down now that he's stuck in the Jungle Tribe village. The Agori (and other random BIONICLE characters) have started the Bota Magna Comedy Club to cheer him up, and they want your help! The rules are the same as in Sad, Sad Matoro: The game will be separated into rounds, 24 hours each. The rounds each begin and end at 12:00 noon, Central Time (for reference, this was posted at about 5:00 AM Central Time). During this time you may each post one joke, story, pun, etc. At the end of each round, I will post Lewa's reactions to each player and points will be tallied based on how much you made Lewa smile/laugh. In the event that two people post the same thing, Lewa will only react to the first one. Nobody likes to hear the same old joke again, especially our Toa of Air! Smiled barely: 1 point Smiled a little: 2 points Smiled normally: 3 points Smiled a lot: 4 points Smiled hugely: 5 points MADE HIM LAUGH: 10 points (Lewa laughs only once the combined total smiles hit 20, so be strategic!) HINTS: Lewa is a carefree spirit, so he enjoys more physical/slapstick humor or things to do with practical jokes. Don't make it too cliche or random, though; he's fairly smart. Be creative and think about the kind of things that might cheer him up! Jokes that are relevant to himself, his life, or BIONICLE in general will in general get bigger smiles. You have no hard limit as to how long your jokes can be, but anything much longer than a few sentences might just make him bored before he gets to the punchline. (For reference: in the previous game involving Toa Matoro, jokes relating to cold/ice/Ko-Matoran, fish and water (from his time as a Toa Mahri), and clever wordplay got the biggest smiles. Of course, Lewa's not Matoro, so figure out the best ways to make Lewa smile!) RULES #1: No jokes involving excessive violence or anything overly mean-spirited. Lewa may enjoy practical jokes and pranks, but even he doesn't like to take things too far. If you upset him instead of cheering him up, the Agori will kick you out! #2: Only one joke per round. Give everyone a chance! #3: You can post non-game posts, provided they stay reasonably on-topic and are indicated in some way that this isn't your joke post. If at all possible, send any questions about the game to me via PM. #4: All regular BZP rules apply. #5: The winner gets the prize of being the winner, and of knowing that they helped cheer up a very sad Toa of Air! Sign-ups here! 1. 2. ToaTimeLord 3. 4. ToaDraconixMahvi 5. 6. 7. Shadow FF 8. 9. Toa Onaku 10. Toa Smoke Monster I'll PM you before the first round starts, once all slots are filled. Good luck and have fun! Lewa0111 Nuva

*Charity Commercial Announcer voice* 75% of Mataus don't have enough questions to keep their comedy chapters coming regularly. If you or someone you know is one of the 25% of Mataus with questions to spare, do your part and donate your questions to the Lewa0111 Matau Question Charity. Or "LMQC" for short. Don't ask how to pronounce that. Call right now at 1-800-55-MATAU today.*end voice* ...Okay with that weirdness over with, Matau is in fact in dire need of questions. I wrote a filler chapter today, but he's only got 2 in the wings, and without the old comedy's questions to use anymore, that's not enough to tide over a full-length chapter, so send 'em in! Or, hey, ask Nokama/Whenua/Visorak/whoever some questions, too! On a semi-related note, I'm back for at least the summer. Graduate school is tough, which is why I've been so sporadically active on here this past school year. But I'll keep writing comedy chapters whenever I can, and I'm still dredging the Internet for traces of my old stuff. I may have a lead on a decent chunk of QFTCJP to revive. We'll see! And finally, some of you may have spotted the announcement in my sig. I'm trying to put together a team called The Avengers ...I mean, a team to work on a voice-acted BIONICLE comedy video series. Not sure if it'll be based on existing stuff (voice-acted TNI, anyone?) or something brand-new, maybe using reboot characters, but either way I need talent! I'm a great writer and decent voice actor, but am terrible at art/animation/whatever. So pass the message along to anyone you know who might be interested! Lewa0111 Nuva P.S. If you haven't already, head over to G&T where I'm hosting a game! It's called Sad, Sad [character] in which players try to cheer up a sad Gen 1 character. This time around it's Lewa.[/shamelessadvertising]

Been waiting for more questions for a while now, but at this point I decided to write a new chapter anyway as it’s been quite some time since the last one. Consider this a “filler” chapter without questions so that I can save up enough for the next chapter. Enjoy the continuing saga of Matau’s antics! Ask Matau! A BIONICLE comedy by Me! Chapter 27: The Prose Knows Awakened by the sounds of digging coming from the house next door, Nokama got out of bed and opened the window. She saw Matau and Whenua in their yard, apparently digging some kind of hole. “Guys,” the very-tired Nokama called out, “exactly what are you doing?” Matau looked up, causing the huge pile of dirt he’d been levitating with his air powers to fall on Whenua’s head. “Oh, hey, hottie!” he called out. Nokama had never before regretted Matau being out of slapping range quite this much. “We’re burying all that cheese that Roporak ordered last chapter. See?” He indicated the huge Vahki transport full of cheese that had recently arrived, which they were now attempting to dump into the hole. Nearby, Roporak stood completely mummified in the combined strength of the other five Visorak’s webbing. “Oh,” ohed Nokama. “Can’t say I blame you. What’s with the prose, by the way?” Matau looked at Whenua (‘s head, which was the only part of the Toa of Earth sticking out of the dirt pile from earlier). “Beats me,” Whenua answered. “I just assumed it was some cheese-induced hallucination. Hopefully it’ll go back to normal once this is all buried.” “Whenua, why are you still stuck?” asked Nokama. “Can’t you just elemental-powers-yourself out?” “Oh yeah!” said Whenua, suddenly remembering he was a Toa of Earth and using his powers to launch the dirt into the air, where Matau caught it with his own elemental powers and blew it on top of Roporak. “Much better.” Nokama quickly realized that she wasn’t going to get any more sleep until the burying of the cheese was finished. “This might go faster with my help, you know,” she suggested. “Great idea!” exclaimed Matau. “You can come help us! Also does this count as a date?” *SLAP!* slapped Nokama. About an hour later, Nokama had helped get all of the cheese below ground with her water powers, and the three Toa Metru managed to bury it so deep that Roporak would never be able to find it. The brown Visorak was released, and with a , he trudged off to drown his sorrows in...presumably cheese-flavored juice or something. “Well, that’s that,” said Matau. “This prose should be going away any second now...” Whenua observed. “Any second now.” Five hours (a.k.a. 18,000 seconds) later, things were still quite prosey. “Your theory fails,” Boggarak grumbled at Whenua. “I hate prose.” “I thought you hated script?” asked Nokama. “He hates everything,” Keelerak explained. “Ah. Makes sense.” “I also hate hating,” Boggarak clarified. “Makes...significantly less sense.” “Look, can we just focus on the problem at hand?” asked Matau. “We need to get rid of this prose. I can’t do my show without it!” “Why not?” asked Whenua. “Because it’s significantly less funny in prose, that’s why. My intro just wouldn’t be the same with a ‘Matau said’ at the end of it!” Nokama rolled her eyes. “Of course. So what do we do?” “Well, it wasn’t the cheese...” “YOU’D BE CORRECT ABOUT THAT!” boomed an evil voice from nowhere. A green blur swooped in, knocked Whenua’s mask off for no reason at all, and then summoned a gust of wind in the center of the room that swirled around the newcomer. As Nokama quickly helped Whenua get his mask back on before he fainted, the winds died down to reveal a second Matau standing next to the original one. “Oh, great,” groaned Boggarak. “Him again.” “ ” Oohnorak emoticonned. “We missed a lot last chapter, didn’t we?” “But which one’s the real one?” asked Keelerak. “Me, obviously!” said both Mataus simultaneously. Whenua frantically glanced from one Matau to the other and back again. “Drat, I can’t tell them apart anymore! This must be the other Matau’s doing. In prose format, he doesn’t have a name to give him away!” The two Mataus drew their Aero Slicers at the same time and tried to smack the other one. “Guys, it’s me! Get rid of this faker!” said one Matau. “Impossible, I’m the real one, he’s the fake!” “NO U!” “YES ME!” “...” said Suukorak. (Translation: …) “Wow, you just “translated” into your usual ellipses?” That’s a new one,” muttered Oohnorak. “...” (Translation: Yeah, sometimes I just want to actually ellipse. So what?) “I dunno, it’s weird.” “...” (Translation: You’re weird!) Realizing that they were evenly matched, both Mataus dropped their respective weapons...and commenced a sissy slap-fight with each other. “ ” was just about all the others could say in response. “WAIT! Wait. Time out!” shouted Nokama suddenly, causing the Mataus to look at her and not notice Whenua sneaking out of the house. “Obviously you two can’t do anything but tie in a fight. So let’s do something else. A test!” “Really? Nokama, you’re letting your teacher-ness get to your head,” Boggarak said. “Not that kind of test. A Matau test!” “Sounds awesome!” said Matau. “Yeah, this will be easy!” said Matau. “Whoever gets a question wrong, that’s the fake. Let’s begin! Lewa0111, mind helping out a little here?” asked Nokama. Eh, why not. I’ve got nothing better to do today. Two game-show-style podiums magically appeared in front of the Mataus (who were now wearing tuxedos and bow ties), and Nokama was suddenly wearing a fancy dress. Spotlights appeared over the podiums. Tiered studio seating had appeared underneath the five Visorak, who were now dressed in assorted and rather ludicrous costumes. “Awesome, this is perfect, thanks!” No problem, Nokama. “Okay, question number one: what’s your favorite BIONICLE movie?” Oohnorak (who was dressed in a marching band uniform and holding a pile of assorted band instruments) started playing the Jeopardy theme while the Mataus put in their answers. Several minutes later, Nokama cued a screen to show the results. “Matau answered ‘BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui.’ Matau answered ‘BIONICLE 4.5: Matau Is The Coolest.’ Wow, that was easy.” “Wait a second, which Matau answered which answer?” called out Keelerak (who was wearing lederhosen and a feathered cap). Nokama looked up at the screen again. “Huh. Problem...oh wait, I’ve got an idea!” She whipped out some duct tape and scribbled on it, then tore it into two pieces and stuck one piece on each Matau’s forehead. The one on the left read “Matau #1” and the one on the right read “Matau #A”. “There we go!” “‘Number A?’” asked Matau #A. “Didn’t want to make everyone biased towards #1.” “Oh. Makes sense.” “No it doesn’t!” complained Boggarak (dressed in a pink frilly dress). “Also, even though I’m blue, I AM NOT FEMALE!” Sorry, Boggarak. Couldn’t resist. That’s what you get for complaining all the time. The blue-armored Visorak just grumbled to himself. “Can we just get on with it?” asked Nokama. “Okay, Mataus, second question: Somebody stuck a Mohtrek on Vakama’s face, and now there are infinite Vakama clones running around. What do you do?” Oohnorak started playing the Jeopardy theme once again as the Mataus wrote down their answers. “...” ellipsed Suukorak, who was dressed like a monkey. For no real reason other than because it was funny. (Translation: Infinite Vakamas? Now that’s a fate I’d wish on no one. Well, maybe Boggarak.) Boggarak glared back but said nothing. “Hey, where’s Roporak?” asked Vohtarak, who was dressed in polka-dots and gigantic nerd glasses. “Why isn’t he watching?” The Visorak all turned and glanced behind the game-show arena, where Roporak was sitting in the house, wearing a giant cheese-shaped hat on his head and dressed entirely in cheese-patterned clothes. Apparently, he was currently trying to figure out how to eat the entirely non-edible hat. “Eh, let’s just leave him there,” suggested Keelerak. “All right,” said Nokama suddenly, interrupting the Visoraks’ random conversation. “Results are in! Matau #1 wrote: ‘Convince them it’s all their fault there’s too many clones.’ And Matau #A wrote...the exact same thing?” All of the Visorak and Nokama collectively facepalmed. “That question was too easy,” said Matau #A. Nokama shrugged. “Okay, fine. Next one: You find three Air Katana, a Rahkshi staff, a roll of toilet paper, and some Lava Eels in a pile on the ground. What would you do with all that stuff?” While Oohnorak, as usual, started playing the Jeopardy theme, Nokama pulled the aforementioned items randomly out of midair and tossed one set each to both Mataus. “This is a more hands-on question,” she explained. “Ten widgets says this ends badly,” whispered Boggarak. “You’re on,” replied Keelerak, and the two attempted to shake hands, but failed as their pincers just kept bumping into each other since their arms were too short. They eventually settled for shaking pincers instead. Before long, two equally-shoddily-constructed vehicles had launched into the air, and the two Mataus immediately started racing each other around the house. Nokama shook her head. “This faker is way too good at being Matau,” she complained. “Next question!” The Mataus, of course, couldn’t hear her anyway. “Okay, Question #37: which Great Mask is--” both Mataus simultaneously shouted “Mahiki!” “--the hottest?” The Mataus instantly changed their answers to “Rau!,” which earned them both a SLAP! from the hostess. “Question #38: You have to be stuck on an island with one of the Three Annoying Metru. Who do you choose?” Again, both Mataus answered, “Nuju! Because he’s slightly less annoying than the other two. But not by much.” “Question #39: What are the names of your Air Katana?” *Several hours later...* *Both Mataus are running around, covered in Gukko feathers, tap-dancing and on fire, while Keelerak dances a jig and random tornadoes sprout from the computer, and 9,321 robot vehicles keep dive-bombing the audience* Nokama: Question #611: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen Gukko? ...And what am I referencing? Matau: Metru Nuian or Steltian? And you’re referencing Monty Python. Other Matau: Metru Nuian or Steltian? And you’re referencing Monty Python. *The ground opens up and sucks in Other Matau, trapping him in the dirt* Nokama: Gotcha! We have a loser! Other Matau: What? Impossible! How’d you know I was the fake? Whenua: Remember me? Suukorak: ... (Translation: Where’d he come from? I just assumed he’d been ignored by Lewa0111 like what happens to me sometimes). Whenua: Nah. I snuck off while you were all distracted by the game show. Nice job, by the way. Matau: Thanks! Whenua: Not you. Nokama. Matau: Whenua: So I time-comedy warp vortexed to the Archive of Deleted Lewa0111 Comedies and found this! *Whenua holds up a weird-looking lever* Other Matau: IMPOSSIBLE! The Script-Prose Conversion Lever!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Pohatu: By the way, I-- Keelerak: Wrong comedy! *shoves Pohatu back into The Nuva Inn* Lewa0111: Hey, Whenua? Can I visit the Archive of Deleted Lewa0111 Comedies? I could really use some of those lost chapters back! Whenua: Sorry. Characters only. If you went in, you’d cause a universe-ending paradox. *Two doctors walk in* Whenua: “Paradox.” Not “Pair of Docs.” Doctors: *they disappear* Lewa0111: Well, that’s disappointing. You got me all excited for a minute. Whenua: Sorry. I don’t make the rules. Nokama: As for you, Mr. Faker...you said you hated the goofiness and random jokes in our show, preferring to do serious stuff like save the world? Well, we have the best punishment for you. Take it away, Lewa0111! Lewa0111: Gladly! AUTHOR POWERS! Other Matau: Wait, no, don’t-- *ZAP!* Other Matau: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Everyone looks to see Other Matau has been transformed into the set version of his Turaga self, with a time-comedy vortex generator glued to his back* Turaga Matau: Why am I so tiny? And what’s going-- Nokama: Cool! Turaga Matau: THAT’S MY LINE! DIE! *runs after her bonking her on the head with his staff* Matau: That’s satisfying. He’s been turned into one of the same random jokes he hated so much. Lewa0111: And it resolves the paradox of the Turaga Matau running joke, since “The Bionicles And Me” no longer exists! I love it when stuff like that works out. Everyone: Lewa0111: Author stuff. You wouldn’t understand. *Meanwhile, in a different comedy entirely…* Some Character: Cool! Turaga Matau: THAT’S MY LINE! DIE!! *Back in Ask Matau!...* Nokama: Well, that’s over with. Boggarak: Okay, can we take these weird costumes off now? Lewa0111: I guess so. *the costumes disappear...except for Roporak’s, as he’s still trying to eat it* Matau: I’m just glad we’re back to script. And that the faker’s gone. Whenua: Solved the chapter after he was introduced? That’s got to be the shortest villain appearance ever. Bob the Pirate lasted like a billion chapters! Bob the Pirate: IT’S ! Whenua: Wonder how we heard him from all the way in jail. Matau: Who cares? I’ve solved the problem, the show’s back on, and it’s all thanks to my two second-favorite Toa! After myself, of course. Nokama: Same old Matau... Oohnorak: Wait, what about me? Matau: You’re not a Toa. Oohnorak: Yes I am! I’m the Toa of Spidery-ness, duh! Matau: Uhh...no. Oohnorak: Fine. I’ll show you! *plonks a Great Mask onto his face, but it falls off immediately* Nokama: You make a great Visorak, but a lousy Toa. Just saying. Oohnorak: Hmph. What do you guys know about being a Toa? Whenua: ...um, everything? Since we are Toa? Oohnorak: Whatever. Matau: All that aside, can we finally start my show? Computer, how many messages? Computer: yOu HaVe Q tUbAs. TuBa #dOg: Matau: Whenua: Matau, the computer’s out of battery. Matau: What? Why didn’t anyone charge it? Keelerak: We did. But then the house had a power outage from that epic battle between the flying cheese monkeys and the super taco ninjas during your game show. Matau: Oh yeah. That sure was epic, wasn’t it? Nokama: And hilarious! But even better was my super water splash question. Matau: Other Matau looked so dumb spluttering like a moron! Nokama: ...So did you. Matau: Oh yeah. But it was still funny! Whenua: I sure hope the readers got to see the whole thing! It would really stink if it all got skipped over to cut back on length. Lewa0111: Er...about that... Whenua, Matau, and Nokama: LEWA0111! END Nokama: Hey, that reminds me: we still need to find that flashback generator! Matau: Hey, that reminds me: we still need to NOT find that flashback generator! I need to find it. Nokama: You’re no fun. Matau: I’m hilarious. Nokama: Some things never change. *whispering* And somehow I don’t mind... Matau: What was that? Nokama: NOTHING! Nothing at all! Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 2,444 words. ~Lewa# Studios

CONGRATULATIONS to MT Zhevor and Ghidora131, and well played by all![/vakama] Mask of Light quote notwithstanding, seriously congratulations. This was a fun contest, and even if I was too busy to participate much (aside from running my own game), it was a brilliant idea and I enjoyed it immensely. Lewa0111 Nuva