bonesiii

Oh, yes, those make for great stories. Simple cause and effect in the most basic sense -- the real fault would lie with the one who did the tricking. But it might depend on whether the trickee chose to ignore facts for selfish reasons that would have enabled himher to see the truth. Wisdom would play a role -- are they thinking... well... logically? And if the trickee learns the truth... it can be devestating and hard to really be sure that heshe didn't have some small fault in it too. Only the perfect trickster could pull that off without some mistakes being made on the trickee's part. One example of that would be Vakama being tasked with making the Vahi for Makuta (thinking it was Dume). In that case it was clearly Makuta on whom the fault would lie, if Vakama had succeeded and handed Makuta a Vahi, and Makuta then carried out his plan of speeding time up on the pods and awakening a civilization of brainwashed slaves. Nothing "Dume" had done had given it away that it was Makuta, as far as one maskmaker could tell. Good questions. But none that need a new blog entry yet.

Da answer: Well, that depends -- are they neutral tools being controlled, like a weapon, or are they programmed for evil, programmed for good? With the Bohrok, they're programmed, but what they were programmed for was only good at the right time. Lotsa selfish people do things "unthinkingly". Many even because that's what they're told. Not saying that answers the question. It's debatable, and probably varies from instance to instance. With people it's almost impossible to tell -- do they obey orders because they are forced to, or because they like being forced to? With robots... the question to me is whether they are more like a tool, or more like a self-animated worker that carries out programming. Big difference. I think with the Bohrok, they're more good than neutral, precisely because they have no choice. But in a different way, not like people, and certainly Makuta used them for evil just like a tool, so I wouldn't say "truly good", no. Obviously there are gray areas, whether it's people or robots.

Who, Omi? Or me? Because everything I said clearly shows why the character Omi quoted is incorrect. Unless, of course, the sides in FF actually were using the first definition of "good" and "evil" that I mentioned. So not sure what you meant -- could you elaborate? Yeah, it's been in Omi's sig before. Or something similar or the like... Took about two hours. Plus another half hour to make the obligatory banner. And glad I could be of service. Fair enough about the Bohrok being neutral. I just meant, they have to do with awakening Mata Nui, which is good. But they don't know that, yeah. And as to whether they would be truly evil, lemme get back to you on it. I gotta post and go watch Survivor now. Gimme a fascinating question, and maybe.

I knew you'd say that, Omi.

Okay, this is partly just an excuse to have a blog entry. But also I wanted to put my answer to the above question here in full. Gravitan asked me about this in my profile comments but the answer looks way too convoluted split up into 400 char segments. But in all seriousness, this is a topic many have brought up, and it is VERY relevant to Bionicle -- the answer is one of the core lessons that Bionicle teaches. On a Bionicle fansite, it's pretty important that we recognize that. So here we go: Are "Good" and "Evil" just points of view? QUOTE(Gravitan) Can it truly be said that good and evil are not points of view? A (very long ) post of yours caused me to wonder about this. My answer: Gravitan -- it is possible to "redefine" good and evil so that those words are subjective. It's true that some people and cultures have used the words to just mean "my side" and "my enemy's side". However: the words themselves also mean some real things that have clear differences, and those differences are NOT just points of view. "Good" people are more self-LESS than selfish, wanting the good of others above themselves. Nobody's perfect at this of course, but that's the idea. Good guys don't backstab each other (or rather, when they do, they aren't being good). Evil is self-ISH. Evil beings want everything for themselves above others. They use minions and allies when they need them, but as soon as they don't, they will backstab the heck out of 'em. Again, most of us have aspects of this in us, which is why humans aren't truly one or the other. But it's, again, the basic idea of evil. The above differences simply are not arguable. What's arguable is whether the uses of the word "evil" and "good" are always used accurately. Often they aren't. But that doesn't change the fact that good and evil mean real things. So to say "good and evil are just points of view" is simply false, because it blindly rules out the correct uses of the words. In technical logical terms, t's an Equivocation Fallacy -- it's based on noticing that sometimes good and evil ARE used as points of view, but then equivocating those meanings of "good and evil" for the absolute ones, and trying to say "this proves ALL meanings of good and evil are points of view." It is logically invalid, so it is impossible for it to be true. What about in Bionicle? Bionicle has shown this time and time again, with it being a major theme of 2004, 2005, and 2006 (especially 2006). It's also been strongly implied from the beginning, from the moment the legends told us of a "brother" of the Great Spirit, Makuta, who betrayed Mata Nui and cast him into a slumber (one that we now know is killing Mata Nui) and tried to conquer for his own selfish gain. Bionicle fans really should recognize this basic truth -- evil is selfish. Good is not. However, it is muddled in real life, and thus it makes sense that not ALL "good" and "evil" are really good and evil. The Bohrok were marketed as the "bad guys" and the Toa fought them. But the Toa found out that the Bohrok weren't actually evil. Just not designed to handle people living where they are commanded to Clean It All with capital letters. There's an important lesson there too -- the Bohrok weren't doing that for selfish reasons, but as part of what's needed to wake up Mata Nui, thus for the good of all. So it's important to try not to use the words "good" and "evil" just to mean "my side and theirs". Using those words as points of view is wrong. So pointing it out when it happens is certainly a good thing, and it would be just as wrong to sit here and tell you that "good" is always truly good. Not true. In different ways, all of Bionicle since has been reliving those two themes in different ways. The Piraka were the pinnacle of a clear example of how evil stabs itself in the back. The Piraka stand for betrayal with a grin. The Toa Nuva facing off against the Matoran Resistance in the books was another example like the Bohrok, as was the Piraka's pretending to be Toa. The Matoran were fooled into confusing truly evil beings, Piraka, for good guys (called "naivete"), and once they realized this, they were fooled into the opposite, confusing good guys for evil beings (called "cynicism"). This year, what we're exploring is a different form of evil. One that is (for now) united in purpose, and not backstabbing left and right. It could be mistaken that the Barraki are not as evil as the Piraka. But the Barraki are willing to kill on a whim for their own selfish desires -- they are only on each others' side because it is necessary at the moment, and they're a heck of a lot smarter than the Piraka. They know they have to work together to achieve their selfish goals. They know from experience -- it was how they were originally designed to work back when they were good guys (unlike the Piraka). But watch how they act towards each other. Do they seem like best friends? Carapar hates Takadox, Pridak threatens to rip arms off to get his way, Ehlek zaps whoever annoys him... Etc. Total betrayal isn't all that makes you evil. It's the little things too -- you know the old saying "if you can't be trusted with the little things, you can't be trusted with the big things either." Compare it to how the Toa act towards each other. They tease jokingly, they encourage each other -- but sometimes they also mess up, insulting each other, and in Vakama's case betraying each other. But what did that make Vakama? A bad guy. It's clear that the Toa do what they do self-LESS-ly, even to the point of risking their very lives (or losing them) to protect the Matoran and each other (Case in point, Lhikan, though he was a Turaga, heh). Bionicle clearly shows that good and evil are NOT merely points of view. Not only that, but it shows that good is a much better way of life. When neither side has really won, it's muddled and unclear: Which is better? Evil often uses the mistakes of good guys to say "See? See? They're just as bad -- try life our way!" But when you see one side or the other winning, you see the truth. When the Piraka take over Voya Nui, Matoran die left and right because the Piraka really don't care. There is pain and horror and anything but peace. When the Toa Mata defeated Makuta, the Bahrag, when they defeated the Rahkshi, when there were, for the moment, no selfish enemies of power making life miserable, the Matoran had peace. They enjoyed their jobs because they did them willingly for the benefit of others, they were in practically no danger of death or pain, they could see right before their eyes the fact that selflessness produces better results, ironically, for the "self". For each "self." Back to the Basics Think about it: If two beings work together to ensure they each have the best life possible, they are both happy and well off. By itself, makes a lousy story, but a great life. If one being insults, steals from, attacks, wars against, works against the other being, both beings are filled with negatives. The one with anger and hatred, which inhrerently torment the very person who uses them, and the other with pain and suffering, even if he cowers and obeys order. If he fights back in hatred, both simply have equal amounts of hatred and pain, and both are miserable. Even if one kills the other and has no conscience left at all, heshe has nobody to help them out with chores, enjoy sports with, etc. If the other fights back, not in hatred, but from good motives, he won't suffer the torment of hatred, and won't suffer as much pain if he stops the evil one from attacking, but will always be scarred at least a little because he too has no companion to enjoy life with. In a nutshell, that is all stories. Just the existence of "conflict stories" should be enough to prove to us that good and evil mean different things -- without conflict there is no story, but without the possibility of good and peace, there also is no story. Conclusion The answer is yes and no. Sometimes good and evil are points of view, but there are absolute definitions of both words, based on selflessness and selfishness. Good is self-LESS, looking out for others above the self. Evil is self-ISH, looking out for the self above others. To confuse the former definitions of these words with the latter is an equivocation fallacy, which is invalid and logically impossible. True good and evil mean very real things that are opposite and mutually exclusive: evil is deceptive, seeming to bring benefit for the self but ruining the self in the process, while good truly brings benefit not just for others, but also for the self as a bonus.

If you thank someone for a banner in the sig, then don't you have more than the banner in the sig?

Notes for a new M&M, coming soon hopefully: Takanuva is super powerful. Bionicle ages with the fans. Cordak -- who it would be shot at. Magnetism = metal (maybe include). --must review previous myths that weren't included last time

It was actually white in the MNOG episode, not gold, and he also borrows a Mahiki, also white, which may mean this episode of the MNOG is more probable than you say. Nevertheless, you have very strong points on this. I've never had a problem with Bionicle's violence before, and, maybe this is because I'm an older fan, I enjoy the darker kind of story. It adds a new flavor of mystery and atmosphere to the storyline. An excellent blog entry, bonesiii. You beat down misconceptions with the blunt end of a logic-stick once again. *finally struggles free of the fearsome grasp of the evil professors* As I wanted to say a week ago, thanks. I'm not sure how I got that mixed up (apparently) with the Pohatu incident in the updates -- but at least this proves that I chose my motto well: "Forgetting things since... ummm...." Also, this came after Lewa gets his Gold Kanohi, so perhaps I was simply assuming. But really, I had watched it literally minutes before typing that, so I must blink in wonder at my lack of observation. (Of course, Lewa also "got" it after this point too, XD.) Yarr. *Glances at evil clock* Dang time flies; I didn't even get to fix it yet. Wanted to say more, will edit later, fix later... yada...

*Applauds* I haven't dug this up for a while -- but the occasion warrants it, so why not: And wow, I didn't realize I was in Star Wars.

Today the Bones Blog brings you an interview with one of Evil Lord Survurlode's minions, the Chief Gremlin. I discovered the existence of these creatures only by a slip of the tongue on Survurlode's part on the last interview. I've hunted down the Chief and he has agreed to let me interview him in person at his home. Though I was a little confused when he told me to meet him on a tiny rocky island off the coast of Metru Nui... This time I brought my own camera, so I could include snapshots, and I recorded the conversations. The following is the transcript. bones: Hello... Mr. Gremlin. Do you have a name other than "Chief Gremlin"? Chief Gremlin: Actually, it's THE Chief Gremlin with a capital T, just like THE Shadowed One. bones: Oh. I see. So, introduce yourself to our readers, since you were classified until recently. Who are you? And maybe a little bit about what Gremlins are? THE Chief Gremlin: Well, basically we're amphibious biomechanical minions based off a stolen BoM Fohrok design. Which is based off of stolen Bohrok designs. Which is based off of stolen design sketches from these weird fleshy creatures called something like "Hoomons" who live in a distant land called "Billund". Or so I heard. Anyways, we specialize in making computer glitches to help Evil Lord Survurlode bring BZPower and the rest of the Internet to its knees. I'm the one in charge of the others. bones: I see. THE Chief Gremlin: Don't forget to snap a photo! bones: Very well. THE Chief Gremlin: Like my fancy armor? bones: Whatever. Next question. What gave Survurlode the idea to make Gremlins biomechanical rather than just mechanical like Bohrok or Fohrok? THE Chief Gremlin: Well, Evil Lord Survurlode got tired of hearing all about the "Orcs" that served his brother, Sauron -- which are biological -- so he became obsessed with inventing his own minions. He tried Rahi called "Orcas" for a while. It made sense, given his power over water. But being whales, they didn't really listen to orders... Later he figured out that Bohrok may have once been biomechanical too, so he just worked from there. bones: Do you have any images of these "Orcas" for our readers? THE Chief Gremlin: Yes, I have some in my house. bones: Oh -- so you actually have a house? I was confused on that. All I see here are a few rocks and lots of water. THE Chief Gremlin: Well think about it -- my boss is obsessed with flooding every island he can, so a normal house would be pointless. No, a long time ago all of us Gremlins upgraded to an iHouse. bones: A what? THE Chief Gremlin: iHouse, ya know? It's the latest craze! It's a phone, mp3 player, video game console, printer, full-sized keyboard, computer desk, chair, refrigerator, oven, microwave, bed, and more. For some reason there's no Kitchen Sink, but we have so much water thanks to my boss that it doesn't matter. [He pulled the iHouse out of his pocket.] bones: All I see is a... doorknob? THE Chief Gremlin: Watch. [He pressed a button on the iHouse.] [At this point, a house magically expanded out of the back of the knob, on the island. Unfortunately as it was expanding one wall slammed into me and knocked me off into the Silver Sea, and I sunk, being an undead skeleton and all. Had to climb up the steep underwater sides of the island before the interview could continue. My recorder was ruined, but thankfully THE Chief Gremlin had another one inside his iHouse, which he lent me. Later I was able to recover the text of the first part of the interview when my recorder dried.] bones: Nice place you have. It's very... clean... THE Chief Gremlin: Yes, sorry about the lack of a mess. I get these strange impulses to clean... it all... every once in a while. It all... must be... *ahem* Sorry. Leftover code from the Bohrok design. Anyways, that's an Orca in that photograph. It's one I tamed. bones: I thought they couldn't be tamed? THE Chief Gremlin: Well, you see, Survurlode has this way with his obsessions. He became obsessed with eradicating all Orcas from the Bionicle Universe. I had to secretly tame that one so that it could survive until Survurlode forgot about it (but don't tell him that), and I discovered that the Orcas are actually very intelligent -- they just didn't like Survurlode's personality. I have a big weakness when it comes to animals in distress. I released it into the wild a few years ago. bones: Wow. Why would Survurlode do that? I mean, I know he's evil, but wiping out an entire species of animals just because they wouldn't obey him? THE Chief Gremlin: Actually, it wasn't that. He had wanted servants because of the Orcs, remember, but later when his brother died, he realized the Orcs had failed to protect Sauron. So he figured, "Orcas" might fail too. So he ordered their deaths to prevent his own downfall in his own version of a Mount Doom scenario. Voice from another room: DooMAH! bones: Who said that? THE Chief Gremlin: Ah, yes, you will want to meet my Pet Peeves! bones: Your what? THE Chief Gremlin: Pet Peeves! Creatures that feed on things that are annoying. They come in all kinds of species. It's sort of a hobby I have, collecting them. bones: Is that anything like Peeves, the Poltergeist in Harry Potter? THE Chief Gremlin: No, silly! Harry Potter is fiction! bones: Oh. THE Chief Gremlin: Just come over into this room, and I'll show you. [We walked through that crooked doorway you saw earlier.] These kraata-like things are Plural Apostrophe's. THE Chief Gremlin: They all have a hive mind, so the whole group is really one creature. They have very intense appetites -- most people can't handle them. The trick is to feed them with any book that you own, if it has typos in it, a couple a day. So obviously I spend a lot of time at the bookstore. Mostly I feed them Faulkner. Plural Apostrophe's: *Hisssssssssss* bones: And what are these tablets with eyes? THE Chief Gremlin: These are Bionicles. THE Chief Gremlin: They're pretty easy to handle. They just sit there and quote from the legends of Bionicle whenever they're nervous. They're an endangered species, because only a few inhabitants of BZ-Koro domesticate them, and they're very vulnerable in the wild. Although I've heard that those fleshy things in Billund have some too. A Bionicle: "And that is the way.... of the BIONICLE." Another Bionicle: "We must rescue the Matorans!" Yet Another: "Unity! Duty! DESTINY!!!!11!1!" THE Chief Gremlin: There there. [He fed the Bionicles some snacks called "Topic Titles", and they calmed down.] Anyways, I also have some Alwayzon Turnsignals, some of their relatives the Neveron Turnsignals, some Chalkboard Scratchers, and the one you heard was a very rare specimen, a Doom. Doom: DooMAH! bones: Oh, those. I think I've got one running around at home, actually... THE Chief Gremlin: Yes, there are many Wild Peeves too. I'm actually writing a book called "How to Catch a Wild Peeve". Or at least, I'm trying to write it, but every time I make a typo, the Plural Apostrophe's eat the draft... bones: Now, this is interesting. You are a head honcho in the most evil organization known, and yet you have this soft spot. Is this, maybe, because deep down, you know you're on the wrong side? THE Chief Gremlin: Ha! No, no, I love my job. What is this, good cop, bad cop? bones: I'm a moderator, not a cop... besides, there's nobody else here to be the other cop. Another voice: *ahem* And what am I, a fly on the wall? [At this point I noticed the evil clock in the room. Which was, incidentally, on the wall, but I didn't bring it up...] bones: Ah. No, didn't mean to imply that. But aren't all evil clocks higher ranking than Gremlins? You would be THE Chief Gremlin's overseer, yes? Maybe he is just pretending to like his job since you're here? Wall Clock: I serve merely as the messenger to the Chief Evil Clock for The Chief Gremlin. I knew about the Orca, you know -- and I didn't pass that on. I'm loyal to The Chief Gremlin. And by the way, you don't have to keep yelling "THE". Yeesh. bones: Sorry. The Chief Gremlin: Anyways, no, I am proud of the E.V.I.L. we have accomplished. Recently, although Brave Knight... I mean, Cowardly Scum Binkmeister did deal us a serious blow with the board update, I singlehandedly created the Gremlin Database Corruption Glitch, which as you know has been randomly deleting members and topics, making random forums or topics inaccessible. Etc. bones: Oh, yes, I know. You made S&T inaccessible the other day. And one of the RKs lost his account. So... just remember who you're talking to before you get all cocky... Wall Clock: You are powerless here, skeleton. Remember the clockcuff that is still on your wrist, despite your silly sledgehammers. bones: The Chief Gremlin: And we've made plenty of headway lately. Remember brickshelf? That was our doing. All the busy messages on BIONICLEsector01? Gremlins, and same with the host difficulties, with the help of an Evil Clock. We've even managed to interfere with people's abiltity to back up their files during the short time they still have brickshelf! bones: The Chief Gremlin: And we have more plans. Oh yes, don't you doubt it. bones: Anything you can tell us about those plans? And please don't say "Sorry, that information is classified." I hate it when you guys steal my lines. The Chief Gremlin: Oh! Then maybe you'd be interested in helping me catch a Stolen Thunder Peeve? bones: Uh, no thanks. Sounds... dangerous. And don't change the subject. The Chief Gremlin: Well, I think we can afford to reveal one of Survurlode's backup plans, just so you don't think you can ever win. You see, Sauron was once in a form much like Survurlode's current form, but he was "killed" when Isildur cut the One Telephone Ring off his finger, right? bones: Yeah? The Chief Gremlin: Well, as you know, Sauron came back in the form of a giant tower with a giant I of flame. So we Gremlins have designed a similar tower for Survurlode, just in case Binkmeister ever "kills" him. It's a giant I of water. Here, I've got the plans of it here. bones: Are you sure it was an "I"? I thought it was an "eye". The Chief Gremlin: That was only in the movie version. In real life it was an I, because Sauron was... well, very selfish. He said "I" a lot, you know? They just made the eye in the movie to emphasize how all-seeing he was, just like Survurlode. bones: I see. Um... pun not intended... The Chief Gremlin: And by the way, once you read the transcript of this interview on the recorder I give you, you'll noticed I said "E.V.I.L." earlier rather than just "evil". That's one of our plans too. bones: What's that stand for? And what's the plan? The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". And all I can say right now is, it involves Ahkmou, and it will involve the Bohrok and the Nuva... bones: Oh dear. You didn't hack the Bohrok that the Nuva just awoke did you? The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". And all I can say right now is, it involves Ahkmou, and it will involve the Bohrok and the Nuva... bones: Um. You said that already. The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". And all I can say right now is, it involves Ahkmou, and it will involve the Bohrok and the Nuva... bones: Hello? Wallclock: It's the glitches. We call it Broken Record Syndrome. bones: Yeah, Evil Lord Survurlode mentioned this happens sometimes. How do I knock him out of it? Wallclock: You wait. bones: The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". And all I can say right now is, it involves Ahkmou, and it will involve the Bohrok and the Nuva... bones: You know, with cars, "lemons" are defective. The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". What what? Oh. Sorry. There I go again. Again. Again. *ahem* bones: I was hoping to ask you about the mysterious Poolantir that Survurlode has. What are its powers? How does it work? All I know is what it looks like, from this photograph our spies obtained: The Chief Gremlin: It must be cleaned. bones: Um... The Chief Gremlin: CLEAN IT ALL! [At this point he began running around, grabbing brooms, vacuum cleaners, sponges, dustclothes, etc. and cleaning the house. And he dusted off the same windowsill twenty times. It got a little old.] The Chief Gremlin: What are you just standing around for, Matoran slave? bones: Wh... Oh great. Don't tell me there's leftover code from the Fohrok too! Wallclock: Well how else would they be so glitchy? The Chief Gremlin: What are your orders, Makuta? bones: Who... me? Oh! Right, right. Well, first, betray Evil Lord Survur-- Wallclock: That's QUITE enough! Snap out of it, The Chief Gremlin! The Chief Gremlin: What? Oh! Sorry. It really does need cleaned though! bones: Poolantir! What are its powers? The Chief Gremlin: Sorry, that information is classified. Sorry, that information... bones: Well, I can see this interview is over. Thanks for giving our readers this time, Chief Gremlin-- The Chief Gremlin: THE Chief Gremlin... Sorry. Pet peeve. bones: And I look forward to perhaps talking with you again sometime. The Chief Gremlin: It's been a pleasure, Matoran Slave. What? What are you babbling about, slave? Go clean your room! bones: [After this point, I was priveleged to witness the other glitch Survurlode had mentioned -- The Chief Gremlin decided he wanted to eat me, so I skedaddled out of there as fast as my bony legs could take me. I think I'll go back to telephone interviews from now on...]

This is just a quick story for my Screenwriting Workshop summer class -- everybody in class liked it, so I figured, "Why not have a blog entry AND homework done?" Inspired in part by the Hagar the Horrible comic strip. It's written in the format for a screenplay (as close as BZP formatting can do), which might be a little jarring at first. Some tips -- "beat" means "slight pause", and the all caps either introduce a new character or are sound effects. Enjoy! --------------------------------------------------------------- Wise Guy FADE IN: EXT. MOUNTAINTOP – DAY PILGRIM, young man, reaches the top of a mountain. Wise OLD MAN, short, long gray beard, thick gray clothing, cloth hood, sits atop mountain. Peak has a small plateau surrounded by a few pointy rocks on the edges. Small stone house behind old man on other side of plateau. Snow covers house, ground, and old man’s hood and shoulders. Sound of WIND WHISTLING through the rocks. PILGRIM Greetings, oh Wise Man! I have heard of your great wisdom, so I have traveled far to this mountain and struggled for days to reach the top to seek-- OLD MAN Yeah, yeah. My nose can tell. Go away. PILGRIM Oh! I’m so sorry if I have offended you in my rush to beg your advice! Such is my great foolishness compared to your lofty wisdom! OLD MAN I know. Scram. PILGRIM Please sir, I will leave quickly once you give me advice. You see, there’s this girl— OLD MAN You know how many times some random pilgrim has said that? Everybody thinks they can come here and say “How?” and I jump up, salute, and say “That’s how!” like a slave. I’m SICK of it. PILGRIM But sir! Your wisdom is so great, and I have traveled so far to learn of it! OLD MAN Well that was stupid. You think I came up here to have company? Pilgrim is silent, stunned look on face. OLD MAN Are you still here? Look, let me guess. You’re dating her, but she can’t stand your drinking problem, and you’re afraid to ask her to marry you. PILGRIM Why, yes sir! How did you know? OLD MAN Please. The nose, remember? Besides, look behind you. What do you see? Pilgrim turns. A line of OTHER PILGRIMS stretches for miles down the mountain, some coming, some going. OLD MAN Now do I have to spell it out, or do you have a brain? PILGRIM No sir. I mean, yes… (beat) What is your advice, great wise one? OLD MAN Marry the girl, quit drinking, work hard, invest in mountain climbing gear. (beat) Divorce the girl, start drinking again, retire, and write a book on why you shouldn’t invest in mountain climbing gear. (beat) Get rich. Then re-marry the girl, and keep drinking. Got it? Now go away. PILGRIM But sir! She doesn’t care about money. That’s what I love about her. OLD MAN Bah. Old man tugs his beard. OLD MAN Well, that was my giveaway advice. If you want anything else, you must answer a riddle. PILGRIM I’ll try. OLD MAN Where can a hermit find peace? Pilgrim looks deep in thought. OLD MAN And “on a distant mountain” is not an option… PILGRIM Well, I live in the city, and nobody ever asks me for advice. And I shave my beard. Old man’s eyes widen. He lifts his beard up, stares at it. OLD MAN Oh. I guess I forgot to shave again. Old man looks at pilgrim. Drops beard with a RUSTLING SOUND. OLD MAN Irony and paradox! The best place to avoid people is where the people already are. Brilliant! I say, young man, you are the wise one. (beat) You know, there really is no rum here. No beer, no wine. Would your girl, by chance, like a home with a scenic view? Pilgrim slowly grins. FADE OUT.