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  1. Enter the Powerpoint Face Contest by May 15! Today the Bones Blog brings you an interview with a Lawyerahk, one of many creatures who serve Evil Lord Survurlode in his Dreaded Real Life Attack Wing. One of our contacts recommended Lawyerahk Bob, and set up a telephone interview appointment with him, after several days due to his busy schedule. bonesiii: Hello, is this Lawyerahk Bob? AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome to the phone system for Lawyerahk Bob Legal Services. If you would like to file a lawsuit, press 1. If you would like to hire Bob as an attorney, press 2. If you would like to listen to MUZAK, press 3. If you would like to pay extra taxes, press 4. If you would like to support one of Bob's entrepenuerial endeavors, press 5. If you would like to stand on your head, press 6. If you would like to have a recording ask "What rhymes with telephone?" and promptly hang up on you, press 7. If you would like to speak to a Gremlin who works for Bob, press 8. If you would like to-- bonesiii: Hm... My contact said this was Bob's number... I guess I need a Gremlin. *presses 8* AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome to the phone system for Lawyerahk Bob Legal Services, Gremlin worker division. If you would like to speak with a tech support Gremlin, press 1. If you would like to speak with a tech sabotage Gremlin, press 2. If you would like to speak with a tech complication Gremlin, press 3. If you would like to speak with an interpersonal guidance counselor Gremlin, press 4. If you-- bonesiii: Oh what the heck, guidance counselor sounds close enough. *presses 4* AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome to the-- bonesiii: Not again! AUTOMATED VOICE: --for Lawyerahk Bob Legal Services, Gremlin Guidance Counselor Division. If you would like to discuss legalangophobia, press 1. If you would like ideas about what to sue people for, press 2. If you would like advice for monetary awards to demand in a lawsuit, press 3. If you-- bonesiii: This is ridiculous. I just wanna talk to Bob. I have an appointment. Come on, I know Survurlode's phone system routes through Gremlins' brains. I know you can hear me, Gremlins. AUTOMATED VOICE: --on how to disrupt your marriage and get all the goodies in the divorce, press 8. If you want to discuss a candy addiction-- bonesiii: Come on. Chief Gremlin? I know you're listening. This is bonesiii, savvy? AUTOMATED VOICE: --poetry on the glory of legal documents, press 11. For-- bonesiii: I have some secret info on you, Chief, that you might not want Survurlode to know. Has to do with a certain habit of yours, and one of Survurlode's wars you're secretly disrupting? AUTOMATED VOICE: --frustration over phone service glitches, press 13-- bonesiii: Alright, fine, I'll go load up the submarine for a personal visit to Survurlode. I'm sure he'll love to hear this. AUTOMATED VOICE: To speak with Lawyerahk Bob directly, press 15. bonesiii: *presses 15, smirking* Bob: Greetings? Is this bonesiii? bonesiii: Yep! Man, you've got quite a phone system there, Lawyerahk Bob! Bob: Why, thank you! It is pleasant to converse with you, bones. Yours truly has actually been one fan of your interviews from their initiality. bonesiii: Charmed. So, why don't you introduce yourself to our readers? As you know, they have learned about Lawyerahks, but not of you specifically. Bob: Yours truly is one of the most infamous Lawyerahks among Survurlode's Dreaded Real Life Attack Wing -- abbreviated DRLAW. As your readers undoubtedly are aware, we Lawyerahks are shapeshifters capable of infiltrating any legal justice system and confusing legal linguistics in order to make life harder for BZPers and people across the world. This secondary attack supplements Survurlode's online warfare against the people of BZP-Koro. Here is one photographic image of my default manifestation: bonesiii: You look pretty intimidating. Bob: Yes, but while on legal duty, the one speaking appears like any normal human. One could pass me by on the boulevard and be totally ignorant of my true identity. bonesiii: I notice you're avoiding the words "I", and "a". Why is that? Bob: Isn't it obvious? We Lawyerahks cherish antibrevity above all. While misiscule-lettered words are unavoidable, the aforementioned examples are uber-anathema to all lovers of Lawyerspeak. We draw the line at two letters. bonesiii: I see. So, you literally speak nothing but Lawyerspeak? Is that difficult? Bob: It is perfectly facile for us; however we do speak S.Lang. to friends. Lawyerspeak is our mode of attack. bonesiii: S.Lang.? Bob: Simple Language. You know, like, "Yoyoyo, what is levitating above you, canine?" bonesiii: Right. You're a natural. *coughs* Okay, next question. How did Lawyerahks come into being? Did Evil Lord Survurlode mutate some Rahkshi? Or what? Bob: Oh, nothing so simplistic! We were created accidentally by Piraka Thok while he was traveling through the Chamber of Nightmares -- Zaktan had threatened to file suit for his treachery, and the idea of dealing with the legal system terrified Thok much more than the nightmare legend of Irnakk at the time. So in addition to Irnakk, myself and some few others appeared. 13,000 others appeared throughout Biomiddle Earth. The Lawyerahk Headquarters house one symbolic gold wall-statue in honor of this historically significant event. bonesiii: In 2006? Lawyerahks are only two years old? Bob: Time in regards to the Terran landmasses runs in different flux from Voya Nui and other Matoran localities. bonesiii: Right... If you say so. What happened next? I mean, if you came into being inside the Chamber of Nightmares, wouldn't you have had to face your greatest fear too? Bob: Indeed. Those few Lawyerahks who spawned in that cavernous horror-home speak little of what we faced. It was... One simple tax form. I can't even look at it, so I'll just give you the link, rather than the direct-linked image. Oh, that was horrible! We came out scarred for life, and vowed to wreak havoc in vengeance upon the universe for this travesty. That is the reason myself and my fellow travelers through that terrible experience ended up the most influential Lawyerahks. bonesiii: I see... *ahem* What is your legal area of expertise? Bob: Intellectual property. You see, shortly after being spawned, the Lawyerahk otherwise known as me tracked the Piraka, inspected them, and was consternated to ascertain that they had stolen their theme idea from Pirates of the Caribbean! Bob: This had profound repercussions upon my intellectual outlook, and in order to successfully sue them, yours truly established the Bob Act. bonesiii: Yes, my contact informed... told me about it. It's a very... rather, extremely strict anti-plagiarism law, correct? Bob: It totally bars any stealing, borrowing from, alluding to, or being inspired by, any idea, from anyone, copyrighted or in public domain, or anything. bonesiii: Wow. And... er... what legislative body passed this... exactly? Bob: The... you know, the Universal Congress? bonesiii: I've... I mean, I don't mean any offense, but... I've really never... heard of... Bob: The Universal Congress. It was established by one representative convocation in Terran-Landmasses-Year 1923 as a systematic organization of all universes within Biomiddle Earth, including the Matoran Dome Universe and its territories, all Brotherhood and Dark Hunter posessions, Middle Earth, and the Terran Landmasses. Only some select few locations remain outside its reach, including BZ-Koro. bonesiii: Ahhhhh. You say... "representative convocation." Who were the representatives and who did they represent? Bob: Lawyerahks. bonesiii: ... Figures. So what results have you gotten since the Bob Act? Bob: Well, Yours truly successfully sued the Piraka, although they never obtained the required bounty to recompense me for their criminality, so yours truly requested Evil Lord Survurlode dispatch one liquidation detachment of Gremlins immediately. They are still searching, unfortunately. bonesiii: Er... allow me to attempt... I mean, try to translate that for my readers. You sent hit men against, basically, your makers, when they failed to bring you the Mask of Life. Right? Bob: ...Yours truly must... refrain that characterization's dismissal, indirectly. bonesiii: Refrain the... indirectly... I'll take that as a halfhearted yes. Bob: After that, Yours truly sued the makers of the Invincibility Robots, for stealing the idea from the Gremlins. Whose idea was stolen by Survurlode from the BoM's Fohrok, that being stolen from the Bohrok, and the mysterious maker of the Bohrok stole the idea from the B.U.G.S. idea from Billund humans... But we allowed for some leeway given the circumstances. bonesiii: Meaning Survurlode is your boss. Bob: My boss's boss, yes. All of the DRLAW members answer directly to one Pet Peeve named Platitudapus. Myself answers only indirectly to Evil Lord Survurlode. Indirectly! Gosh, yours truly loves that word! bonesiii: Moving on? Do you have an image of this "Platitudapus"? Bob: Wh... Oh. We're not supposed to tell you about him. No, sorry. He's classified. bonesiii: Bob: Anyway, yours truly won the lawsuit, but all I got was a lousy T-shirt. That is to say, yours truly. After that, yours truly sued LOST for stealing the Monster idea from Makuta. bonesiii: Okay, no offense, Bob, but the whole "yours truly" thing is driving me nuts. Can't you just say "I" for purposes of this interview? Bob: That's actually the short version. In court yours truly usually says, "The representative of the prosecution." bonesiii: How 'bout "me"? It's two letters. Bob: What, "Me hungry?" You want me to grunt and wear some Fred Flinstone suit or something? bonesiii: *sigh* Alright, fine. Go on. Did you actually win the case against LOST? Bob: Indubitably. As recompense, yours truly demanded to know the secret behind the greatest LOST mystery. bonesiii: Oooh, really? So, you know what the aforementioned... I mean, the Monster, is? Or is it the island itself? Bob: Paper copy of the legal document Dharma employees had to sign. bonesiii: Bob: Think about it. They were forced to slave away for meager pay, stuck on an island where you're either in constant turmoil, or if you're at peace, you die. Add to that that they probably had a bunch of psychics or whatnot to tell them the Others would slaughter them all. Such documentaciousness is considered the Holy Grail among my people! bonesiii: *sigh* I think we get the idea about the Bob Act. Any other professional accomplishments? Bob: In recent years, yours truly established an Awareness drive to curb movie piracy. Yours truly devised original wallpaint-billboards to promote the drive. bonesiii: Yeah, that... Um... Bob: Yours truly has also engaged numerificiousful non-courtroom endeavours in my predigious career. For example, myself recently published an original book. Here is the advertisement: bonesiii: ... Er... so it's about Lawyerspeak? Bob: Its entirety is composed of one singular proseity in honor of the word "indirectly." bonesiii: And... I mean, I hesitate to say this, not being a Lawyerahk or understanding all of the law's complexities... but... isn't that... uh... Bob: Wonderful? Indeed! Yours truly still reads it to my kids at bedtime. Works like a charm. bonesiii: I meant, you know... contradictory... Bob: That any Lawyerahk reads aloud for selfish purposes? Or that yours truly is married? Yours truly would take personal offense if you meant the latter... At this point yours truly would like to request that we move on to my next accomplishment? bonesiii: Okay, okay! Not what I meant, but yeah. Bob: My latest ad campaign promotes one new product, taking advantage of the fact that the Le-Wahi trees are now being cleared. Since pretty much nobody wants them, yours truly now manufactures something useful out of them. bonesiii: Okay, waaaait just a second here. I read Dr. Seuss as a kid, and-- Bob: A superturtle who called himself the "Hoirax" tried to stop us, but the one speaking got the Kal to steal his powers, and we put them into the Thwant too. bonesiii: But-- Bob: It's been quite successful so far, but yours truly would love to expand the advertisement's circulation. Yours truly noticed you accepted the iHouse as one sponsor the other day -- so thought perhaps you'd be interested in this similar and perfectly legal product? bonesiii: I... Er... Well, I do need more sponsors... but... you're sure it's legal? Bob: Incontestably! bonesiii: I'll... think about it... But putting that aside for the moment, I've noticed something strange. I can understand why you didn't sue Survurlode or the Brotherhood for the B.U.G.S. thing, since they're both evil. But I can't see why you didn't sue the mysterious makers of the Bohrok. And you said "maker," singular. And you can order the Kal around at will? Are you their maker?! Is this really why the Bohrok are clearing Mata Nui? Bob: *laughs* You have spent entirely too much time in the Theories board, bones. Lawyerahks weren't spawned till 2006 Bionicle-time, remember? And no time travel in Bionicle -- it's the law. Although just last week I opened one lawsuit against Bitil on that subject... But yours truly doesn't see how your theory is plausible. bonesiii: But I thought you said Earth-time was flexible, or something? Bob: Flux. Different flux. Yours truly thought you labeled yourself "Mr. Physics" -- why is this difficult to comprehend? bonesiii: *sigh* Can we move on? Let's move on. Any other projects you've got? Bob: Multiplicitously more! More than we have time for. But one more example. Shortly after inventing the Thwant, yours truly realized that the Hoirax was partly right -- it was unfair to everybody who loves trees to just turn them into some product for profit. So yours truly organized the "Nuke Metru Nui" petition. bonesiii: *reads petition* Dang. *feels attacked* Bob: Marketing for this is still in the planning stages, unimaginably, however. But yours truly is confident it will come to fruition, and Xia will have yet another open trade route, which we can all agree is beneficial to the economy of this manufacturing gemstone. bonesiii: Okay, hang on, Mr. Lawyer. I might not share your profession, but I am a logician, and you clearly state that you got this idea at least partially from "udisclosed agents" -- that being the Bohrok. Bohrok commanded by their maker. If their maker ISN'T you, haven't you just been "inspired" by someone else's idea in a major, major way? Bob: What's major about it? It's just one little petition. bonesiii: To... NUKE an inhabited city! Bob: I assure you, it was not inhabitated at the time that representatives from the anonymous donor inspected it, notwithstanding some slight residue percentile. bonesiii: Meaning the Rahaga and Keetongu! Bob: And yours truly believes one certain Orca is also under that impression -- surely you wouldn't want me to inform him otherwise? bonesiii: He lives there! Goblahk lives in a canal in Ga-Metru! Couldn't he at least sue you, under your very own Bob act? Bob: Yours truly is Goblahk's Lawyer -- consequently he would be granted safe passage to Xia. bonesiii: He's probably afraid of Xia, with all his phobias. Most sane people are. Bob: You're just nostalgic for Metru Nui. bonesiii: I... Look, you're an... interesting person, Bob, and I appreciate that you are a fan of my interviews, so I do not wish to anger you. But my readers will want to know this. How can you break your very own law? I mean, is there a provision in there that amounts to "except for me"? Bob: No, no, no... *sighs* Alright. Let yours truly show you something Survurlode Industries has developed for us. Bob: It enables the user to manipulate loopholes in any law, even laws of nature, and then slip through the loophole. Its primary uses are instantaneous travel anywhere, invincibility, and the ability to make delicious health foods, but it also allows the user to have some modicum of leeway when it comes to technicalities of legislation. bonesiii: Duuuude. Who owns these things? Bob: Myself, most other Lawyerahks, Evil Lord Survurlode, and several of Survurlode's more important minions. bonesiii: Want. Bob: Yours truly is afraid it is not for sale, although we have been considering licensing out less effective versions to highpaying clients. bonesiii: Hrm. Not sure I would be comfortable monetarily supporting... that is, sending you guys money. But you know, if this thing can let you break even the laws of physics, what about the No Time Travel Law? Come to think of it, if you WERE the Bohrok's creator, you would have made the ultimate loophole in your Invincibility Robots lawsuit! Bob: Yours truly still doesn't see how that theory is plausible. bonesiii: Enough with the Lawyerspeak! Just gimme a yes or no! Bob: Perhaps you would like to speak with one guidance counselor Gremlin about your legalangophobia? bonesiii: No thanks, I-- AUTOMATED VOICE: If you would like to discuss a severe case of legalangophobia, press 1. If you would like to discuss a mildly severe case, press 2. If you would like to discuss a merely mild case, hang up and get over it, loser. If you-- bonesiii: *sigh* Alright, I can take a hint. Well... Gremlins? Tell Bob goodbye for me, I guess...
  2. Today the Bones Blog brings you a telephone interview with our contact among the Orcas -- the enemies of Survurlode who BZPower has recently formed an alliance with. From a canal in Ga-Metru, let's welcome Goblahk! bones: Hello, Goblahk. Goblahk: Hi there. Thanks for the interview. bones: Why don't you begin by introducing yourself? Goblahk: Well, My name is Goblahk, and I'm an Orca. Goblahk: We're former minions of Survurlode -- he thought he should have something like Sauron's Orcs -- but we rebelled and now he's trying to either conquer us or wipe us out. bones: What's your position in Orca society? Goblahk: I'm the Official Orca Ambassador to BZPower. As of yesterday, that is, since the Orca Council finally agreed to my request for an alliance -- before that I just went by "Goblahk the Fearless". bones: Excellent news! What was the holdup? Goblahk: Well... bones: If it's something they'd rather you not discuss, that's fine. Goblahk: No, it's just... The Orca Council chambers are hidden on the seafloor, and... well, I'm afraid of the ocean. Took me months to work up the courage to go. bones: Oh. I see. So that's why you are always staying in rivers or canals like this one in Ga-Metru. That's how we found you to begin with, as I recall. Okay, but now I'm confused. You said you used to go by "Goblahk the Fearless". Yet you're afraid of the ocean? Goblahk: Well, it's just that, I have a horrible sense of direction. I always get lost in the ocean. I'm afraid of getting lost, by the way. And of sea turtles -- they might seem innocent but I think they're evil beings in disguise. And shrimp. Not sure why. So, I just stay away from those things, and I don't feel the fear. See? bones: Uh... okay? Well, are those your only fears? Goblahk: I'm afraid of flourescent lights. bones: Why? Goblahk: My psychologist thinks it's because I'm distantly related to Orcs, which feared sunlight. But I think it's just the buzzing sound. They remind me of flying bugs. Which I'm also afraid of. bones: But, you live in the water... Goblahk: Exactly. bones: Right... So, what are all these phobias called? Goblahk: Oh, I have no idea! I'm afraid of phobia lists. I'm afraid I'll get more fears just from reading! bones: M...hm. Well, I can understand some of those fears, but if you have a bad sense of direction, why not use oceanic maps to get around? Goblahk: I'm afraid of maps. They remind me of my fear of the ocean. And my fear of mapmakers. bones: *whistles innocently and takes note not to mention his new job* Okay, well, let's talk about Survurlode. A lot of us are afraid of him, and would like to see him defeated for good. Goblahk: Definately! Well, I was the Orca that the Chief Gremlin tamed once, and I still get a lot of news from him. Goblahk: Most recently, he told me that Survurlode was behind that recent virus attack. bones: The one that we had the front page note about until recently? Goblahk: Yeah. It's was the Chief Gremlin's idea, I hear. Survurlode found out that Google was going to do that LEGO anniversary image thing, and commanded the Chief Gremlin to come up with an attack. He came up with a computer virus based on his own psychotic personality. bones: So we weren't actually the main target? Goblahk: No, but it messed things up for you guys. Also messed things up on my own website. bones: You have a website? No forums, right? Goblahk: Well, it did, but I developed a fear of forums, so I removed them. bones: *whistles innocently and takes note not to mention that BZPower has forums* What's your website based on? Goblahk: It's a Sea Turtle conspiracy site. Here's the link. bones: Okay, thanks. I'll read it later. *coughs* Okay, so you know about my idea to enlist your people to help us find the One Refresh - the focus of all Survurlode's power, just like Sauron's One Telephone Ring -- since we've learned it's hidden somewhere on the seafloor. Obviously you wouldn't want to join that. What did the others think? Goblahk: Well, they weren't as enthusiastic about that. You see, we believe the Orkrana are probably guarding the area around the Refresh, wherever that is. bones: The Orkrana being the mutated krana Survurlode hopes will mind-control the Orcas, which Gollaga told us about in the last interview. Goblahk: Yes yes yes! Take the image away! I'm afraid of those things! bones: Right, sorry. Well, I'll keep searching in my Orange Submarine on my own then. bones: Speaking of the sub -- I've recently finished taking it around from island to island searching for Pet Peeves that our members identified in our recent Information Gathering Drive, the scents of which Survurlode is allergic to. Someone on our staff told me our engineers and the Orcas have come up with a delivery method for the allergenic weapon. What design did they end up choosing? Goblahk: Well, the problem was mainly getting it past Survurlode's defenses without raising suspicion. Turns out he has allergenic sensors that basically prevented all of our delivery methods from getting anywhere near him. bones: Oh dear. Goblahk: Don't worry. We figured out a design that is guaranteed to work. Market the allergen openly as a food. As cheese puffs, in fact. Survurlode can't resist cheese puffs. We built a fancy truck to advertise it, and bought TV airtime for ads. bones: Nice! I just might wanna try 'em myself... I love cheese puffs, you know. Who cares about side effects like intense allergic reactions? ... Wow, it works... Goblahk: I came up with the jingle myself for the ad: Oh, I wish I was an Allergenic Cheesepuff. That is what I really wanna beeeeeee! Cuz if I was an Allergenic Cheesepuff, I'd make everybody really itchyyyyyyyy! bones: Must. Eat. Cheesepuffs... I mean, resist! Goblahk: So we'll bring the Puffmobile to Survurlode's island, and it will drive up to Survurlode playing the jingle, and the side will open up and blast allergenic cheesepuffs at him. bones: *repeats "resist" in mind six times, then opens eyes* Ah. Okay, sounds like a plan. But, isn't Survurlode currently in the form of an I of Water atop a giant tower? How will he eat them? Goblahk: Well, that water evaporates every once in a while, and he needs to have plenty to bring forth his floods to swamp servers, so he's got a giant water production facility for all that. We blast the cheesepuffs into the water, and he absorbs it into his Water Tower. Heh, water tower. Pun, get it? bones: Yeah, got it. I was expecting you to say he absorbs its energy like Matoran, but that works. Goblahk: Oh, don't mention Matoran. I'm afraid of them. Freaky looking masks and all. bones: Oh. But you're not afraid of undead skeletons? Goblahk: Not sure why you would bring it up, but yeah, they terrify me. bones: *makes note never to meet Goblahk face to face* So, why are you here in Ga-Metru if you fear Matoran? I mean, the city's full of 'em. Goblahk: It... what? I thought they moved up to Mata Nui!? bones: Uh... Oh, right! I guess they did! I forgot. *makes note to ask the Turaga to keep Matoran away from Goblahk's canal* Goblahk: Phew. You scared me there. Much more news like that, and I'll develop a fear of water... That's how my relatives get "beached", you know. bones: Dang. This phobia thing can be downright unhealthy, don't you think? Goblahk: *sighs* I suppooooooose... bones: Well, lemme say this -- with how intense your phobias seem to be, I'm sure all of BZP is grateful that you made the voyage to the Orca Council despite your fear. Our alliance will be very important in the war against Survurlode. Goblahk: Oh. Well, um... See, I might not have worded that super well... bones: ...? Goblahk: I actually hired a Sea Turtle to deliver the message for me. bones: You... what? I thought... Goblahk: It's not that I've gotten over my fear or anything, it's just, this crazy sea turtle comes swimming up, and I'm terrified, yeah? So I figured it was the best way to get him away from me fast. Took all my money too. But that wasn't that bad. I'm afraid of money. bones: Well, I don't want to sound preachy or anything -- you're my guest here -- but have you ever considered that maybe you should try to face these fears? Get over them? Goblahk: All the time! But, well, if I did that, I wouldn't technically be "fearless", would I? bones: Well... I mean, temporarily... Goblahk: Oh, don't mention time. It terrifies me. Temporal mechanics, Evil Clocks, all that. bones: *sigh* Well, uh... I think we're probably done here, unless you had anything else to say? Goblahk: Just to encourage your readers to spread the word -- Sea Turtles are evil! bones: Okay then... Thanks for your time... Goblahk: AGH! bones: I mean thanks for your... brilliant insight! Goblahk: But not brilliant like bright flourescent lights, right? bones: Right. Well, talk to ya some other time, Goblahk! Goblahk: AGH! bones: *sigh* [Note: A followup spy report on the Allergenic Weapon attack reports success! Evil Lord Survurlode is gobbling up the cheesepuffs. His I of Water has in fact become a giant blog of orange goo, that is constantly sneezing. For the moment, server attacks seem to be down!]
  3. The winners of the Pet Peeve Contest have been chosen, and the award images are drawn! Pet Peeve Contest Winners Congrats to the winners, and enjoy!
  4. Reminder: The Pet Peeve Contest below is still open until November 29! Keep those entries a-comin! Notice: Keep in mind the award is drawn by me, so you need to tell me what to draw. Some of these Description form entries are very vague. You can't win if I don't at least have some idea of what you want the Peeve to look like. Update: We have constructed a submarine in order to more easily get from island to island as we hunt for those Pet Peeves you guys are telling us about. We've already captured a few from some winners, but there's plenty of need for more! After the contest, the submarine will be retrofitted for the search for the One Refresh to Rule Them All on the Bionicle planet's ocean floor. We're working on getting a contact among the Orcas for an interview so they can help us in the search. And there's a support banner to spread the word about this contest: [url="http://www.bzpower.com/forum/index.php?automodule=blog&blogid=39&showentry=21935"][img=http://www.majhost.com/gallery/bonesiii/BZPstuff/peevebnr.png][/url] Finally, check out the blog sidebars farther down; there's a new extensive bones_quotes collection, some geared towards humor, some more serious, and some new images and a Gallery of Galaxies. Question: I've been debating changing this blog name to something more interesting (with "Bones Blog" moved to the subtitle). Would that be a good idea? Bad idea? Would it depend? Any suggestions? So far I've got "Ethereal Skull" and "Orange Submarine" as brainstorms... But still not sure I wanna do that. Would it make the blog less recognizeable given that it's been called the "Bones Blog" for so long?
  5. Today the Bones Blog brings you a contest an information gathering drive about Pet Peeves, creatures that feed on things that are annoying. We believe they might be useful in the war against Evil Lord Survurlode, so we want to find more kinds! All of the following is placed inside a spoiler tag, because our sources tell us that Evil Lord Survurlode and his minions cannot open these tags due to a glitch his own minions caused. » Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... « Contest Theme Research Impetus: You may recall my interview with the Chief Gremlin, one of Evil Lord Survurlode's highest ranking minions, in which he told us about his Pet Peeves, and mentioned there are many more. You can see all existing Pet Peeves in this art topic with bio info, including a new image of a Stolen Thunder. We recently discovered through classified espionage that Evil Lord Survurlode is allergic to all types of Peeves, to the point that he can become unable to summon forth floods to swamp our servers when they are around him. The allergy gets worse with different kinds of Peeves. But we have a problem. I only learned of a handful of species in the interview. The Chief Gremlin has been unavailable for further comment, and his book on them keep getting eaten by the Plural Apostrophe's every time he makes a typo. So we need you to give us any information you have about Peeves, which will help us find them in the wild and capture their smell for use in a allergenic weapon against Evil Lord Survurlode. So, the question: What kinds of Pet Peeves exist? Do you own any? Have you heard of any? Winners will ultimately be chosen by me, but I'll factor heavily "votes" if you comment who you would pick too. Winning entries will have the Pet Peeve idea drawn by me as Powerpoint vector art, and their names listed in a Winners blog entry. Rules Research Methods Regulations: 1) Enter up to three species per person by posting a comment here. 2) You can enter a peeve concept someone else entered, as long as your concept is your own; i.e. different enough to not be copying. Be aware I'm more likely to choose the first enterer of a single concept than the second, so try to enter something new. 3) Post info; pics aren't the point of this. I'll draw the art -- that's the prize. You can include your own concept art but I'll make my own anyways. Please don't "vote" based on whether someone has pics, as not everyone has the time or capability.) 4) Add comments supporting anybody else's entries. These will be factored for (but do not guarantee) winning. 5) There's no set number of winners, but each person can only win once, not twice or three times. 6) No spamflame, etcetera. 7) Don't do anything bad. Prize Compensation: Winning Pet Peeves entries will be listed in a blog entry, and a new art topic once the Peeves are drawn. A permanent sidebar content block will be added to the Bones Blog highlighting the entries and the entererers. And you get a cookie. How to Enter Survey Format: Copypaste this format and fill in the info in placeof the bracketed explanations: [b]Pet Peeve Species:[/b] [Name of creature.] [b]My Name:[/b] [The name you want to be listed as you in the winning entry, content block, etc, in case you change it later.] [b]Bio:[/b] [Explain the Peeve, briefly. Try to keep it fun-ny! :P Helps to mention if you own it.] [b]Description:[/b] [What's it look like?] When it's over: Contest closes Thursday November 29 2007 (probably around midnight EST). NOTE: There are also Wild Peeves, which simply happen to have no owner yet. Once we get information about a newly discovered type of Peeve, we will be able to capture the Peeves from the wild. Which would make them Pets rather than Wild, but yeah... NOTE #2: No Peeves will be harmed in the making of the allergic weapon. NOTE #3: Evil Lord Survurlode WILL be harmed in the making of the allergic weapon. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!1!!
  6. Just a heads up that I've posted an Artwork topic for lotsa Survurlode artwork, mostly vector, some edits, from all four interviews, here: Spam Troll, Orca, & Other Evil Lord Survurlode Art Contains some new art too, including a revamped Orca with bonus wallpaper, another Pet Peeve, an improved THE Chief Gremlin, and the iHouse in both knob and house modes! Any posts/comments on this artwork would be greatly appreciated. NOTE: Includes bio info, allegiance status, plus some brand new classified info in Survurlode-proof spoiler tags!
  7. Today the Bones Blog brings you an interview with the creature Gollaga, former wielder of the One Refresh, the weapon of our enemy, Evil Lord Survurlode. We believe that this artifact is tied to Survurlode's powers just like Sauron was to his One Telephone Ring. Let's hope we can figure out how to find and destroy it! But don't tell Gollaga that, please... bones: Thanks for agreeing to talk with us, Gollaga. We've been trying to track you down for months ever since Evil Lord Survurlode told us of your existence, and that you once owned the One Refresh. Gollaga: My precious. bones: Yes. My precious. Gollaga: MY precious! Nasty Survurlode stole it! It's MINE! bones: Sorry, that's what I meant. YOUR precious. Anyways, why don't you begin by introducing yourself to our readers? Gollaga: We are Gollaga, my precious. We shows it, yes we does. bones: Well, I didn't mean your name. But where does your name come from? I haven't heard any strange coughs yet. Is it just because you're similar to both Gollum and a Rahaga? Gollaga: No, no. It's because when we sneeze, it sounds like "Gollaga." bones: Okay then. Why do you call yourself "we", though? Most people don't do that. Gollaga: Why does it ask us this? It called itself "we" too! bones: What? Uh, no, I meant "we" as in me and my fellow BZPers. But back to my question -- I meant, details about your life. Gollaga: We eat cheese puffs, precious, five times a day. bones: ... So I've heard. I don't blame you -- I love 'em too. But I mean, you know, about your past. Gollaga: My what? bones: You know, what you were like a long time ago. Gollaga: We ate cheese puffs yesterday too. And the day before that. Seven times a day. bones: I... I thought it was five? Gollaga: Was it? We forget. We hates math, we does, precious. We think we used to be good at it... But no longer. bones: So, you do remember something about your past? Gollaga: We remembers that we were once not that different from a Hobtoran. Gollaga: But then we found my precious. It changed us. Gave us unnatural long life, hunger for cheese puffs, and a Rhotuka power of Verbosity. bones: Say what? Gollaga: Big words, precious. We shows it, yes we does. *fires at himself* The target becomes incapable of communication without the dialectical aesthetic of a Lawyerahk. bones: Wow. That sounds like torture. But what is a "Lawyerahk"? Gollaga: A shapeshifting, complexilinguistic species of minion for Lord Survurlode, that has infiltrated the legal justice system. At the temporality when Survurlode captured me, I saw one, and took the liberty of capturing a visuodigital image: Gollaga: In regards to the aforementioned torturosity, grammatical precision becomes paramount, despite the latter being a requirement which even the topmost perfectionist is incapable of. NOOOOOOOO! I ENDED A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION! ABOMINATION AND DOOM! AAAAAGH! "DOOM" is a short word! AAAAAAGH! bones: Calm down! It's okay! Gollaga: SHORT WORDS! AAAAAAGH! MUST. CONSUME. CHEESE PUFFS. At this point he stopped talking for several minutes, his mouth being otherwise occupied. I mean, eating. Yikes, some of that Rhotuka power must have contaminated me... I mean, got to me... Gollaga: We offer our deepest apologies for the aforeseen outburst. We shall endeavour to maintain our composure by remembering to refer to ourselves as "we". It is composed of two letters, unlike "I", my precarious. bones: You mean "precious." Gollaga: What? Yes, my predacious. I mean, my preconscious. Anyways, the pointaciousness of this dialogue is that Lawyerahks are a contingent of Survurlode's minionosity that he has endeavored to keep secret, thus you are now privy to classified information. bones: Thanks. So, the Lawyerahks are part of his "Dreaded Real Life" attack wing? It sounds like they're trying to drain life out of conversation. Am I right? Gollaga: Yes, they feed on the aforementioned linguistic life-force. They have also infiltrated certain professorships, especially in the English and History departments, in order to vampirate said life from written communication as well. bones: So that's why my History professor was ranting against the word "very" the other day... Anyways, next question. You mentioned you like cheese puffs. Tell us more. Gollaga: Yes, precursacious, cheese puffs are the exploding device in common colloquial tongue. bones: You mean... the bomb? Gollaga: They are the bomb. NOOOOOO! SHORT WORDS! AAAAAGHISHNESS! "No" is a short word too! I mean, non-affirmation is characteristic of brevity! I mean we! bones: But why cheese puffs? I don't see what they have to do with servers being flooded by the sea? Gollaga: Well, skeletoidinous, we would submit for consideration that finned aquatic creatures have little to do with the magmatic substance inside Mount Doom... Doomah... Doomahfication. And yet the Creature Gollum liked fish. However, because you have inquired, we shall provide the answer. bones: Yes? Gollaga: My precognitious glows orange. Cheese puffs are orange. bones: You used short words! Gollaga: NON-AFFIRMATION! bones: So does this mean that Evil Lord Survurlode is obsessed with cheese puffs too? Gollaga: Oh yes. At the temporality when he enslaved us and stole my pretentious, he fed us from his spare supply of puff... puffations. He had warehouses and warehouses full of it. Once we ate an entire warehouse-full in one day. The Chief Gremlin informed us that we should likely become annihilated if Survurlode found out. It became challenging to explain our appearance then. bones: Wow. How many puffs did you eat, man? How long did you stay orange? Gollaga: Approximately a quarter of a gazillion. Our color began to merginate to black after a period of fifteen whiles. bones: I forgot about the math thing... How did you survive? Gollaga: We simply targeted ourself with our Rhotuka and explained the situation in all its subtlety to Survurlode. He was obliged to smile and nod, pretending he understood our speechification, given his reputation as a master of linguistosity. bones: So anyways, the... your precious gave you these powers. What happens when you put it on? Sauron's One Telephone Ring would make the user invisible, just like how you can't see the other person over the telephone. What does the One Refresh do? Gollaga: You mean my parecious. We mean, my precocious........ The point is, it reforminates the user with transpixelification. bones: Yikes, that is a dangerous power! What's it mean? Gollaga: Why does it ask that? Anybody with half a neural network knowledgififes it means you become pixels. bones: Sounds... pointless? Gollaga: Nonsensiness. Pixelatiousnesses are energiness, unlike matter, thus we become intangible. Means we go through stuff. Whoa, we guesses our Rhotuka power is waning in effectaciousness, so you are fortunate I was able to use such short words to aid in the definition's understandability. bones: I know what "intangible" means. But now I'm confused -- in the pic you showed earlier of you wearing the... your precious, you didn't look like pixels. Gollaga: Oh, yes. You see, the whole "Frodo go poof in the middle of the bar" was never in the intentions of Sauron's designination -- it was a glitch. Survurlode is a much greater level of geekinosity, being master of the internet rather than old fashioned phones like his brother, so he overcame that particular difficulty. The power is activated mentally. bones: I see. So, at some point in your life, Survurlode captured you. Gollaga: Yes, and he STOLE my precious! bones: You said it right! Gollaga: We did! We thinks the Rhotuka power has almost worn off! bones: But why do you say "we" and yet you call it "my" precious? Why not "our" precious? Gollaga: GAH! bones: But back on topic... He stole your precious? Gollaga: And hid it, he did. Far far away from all life, he hid it, precious. bones: Any idea where? Gollaga: The precious calls to us, it does. Far far away, in the oceans on the surface of the Bionicle world, my precious calls to me. We can feels it. bones: Hrm. That's a big ocean. But why would he hide it in the ocean? I thought it was forged in the ocean, just like Sauron forged the One Telephone Ring in the fires of Mount Doomah. Wouldn't it get destroyed there? Gollaga: No, no. Survurlode is much smarter geekitudinosity than Sauron, remember? We thinks he made my precious... OUR precious so that it needs water. So anyone foolish enough to try to destroy it by mimicking Frodo would only make it stronger. No, the only way to destroy it is to take it to the driest, hottest desert. That's why it glows orange, not blue, when it's on land. It would crumble to ash, our precious! bones: Gollaga: Why does it grin that way? bones: Oh, right. Erm, I mean, good thing it's safe underwater, eh? Gollaga: Yes, precious. Safe. But we will finds it someday. It's ours. OUR precious. bones: Right. And once we... I mean you... find it, would you be willing to help us defeat Survurlode? Us not meaning just me... Gollaga: We don't know -- he might steal our precious again... bones: I'd share the cheese puff warehouses. Gollaga: WE SHALL SEND SURVURLODE TO HIS DOOMAHFICATION!!!!! bones: Excellent! There's been rumors, BTW, that he was already defeated partially with Brave Knight Binkmeister's latest blow, kinda like how Sauron was defeated once but kept alive due to the Ring. That's why Bink felt confident enough that he could afford to leave for the realm of Bionicle.com. I've noticed the server acting up a little again, though -- is Survurlode making a comeback like Sauron did? Gollaga: Yes, precious. He is now in the form of a giant tower with an "I" of water on it. bones: I've seen that picture before -- the Cheif Gremlin told me about it. I thought it was just in the planning stages? Gollaga: So there are many secret projects it doesn't know about, precious. No, the Gremlins built it many whiles ago, along with five hundred forty seven other classified projects. bones: That's a lot. Gollaga: Or was it seven thousand and twenty? bones: Do you know anything about them? I was under the impression we were aware of most of his plans already. Gollaga: Survurlode is like Makuta, precious. Plans within plans. Most things you've learned, he wanted you to learn, to make you either scared or overconfident. But we knows about two more projects. Right now, Project MiB is in action. bones: MiB? Survurlode was behind that? What does "MiB" stand for? Gollaga: Mosquitoes in Black. Gollaga: Survurlode hoped to scare the members with clones of an annoying bug he found on Voya Nui once. It can drain the passwords out of accounts if they are simple enough, and take the accounts over, but it failed so miserably that he didn't want anyone to know he was behind it. He was quite embarrased, my precious. bones: Ah, yes, that was when we set up the zappers. Zaps 'em every time. Gollaga: Yes. We hates that bug, because it wants to steal our cheese puffs. We had to buy zappers at Hut Depot for our hidden puff supply cave. So we wants your members to make sure they make long, complex passwords with letters, numbers, capitals, lowercase, whatever they thinks of. Make passwords of Verbosity, and nothing easy to guess! Use different passwords for your email, brickshelf account, etceterosity, and change your passwords every three whiles. bones: Noted... What was the other project? Gollaga: The Orkrana. That was a mission Survurlode made us go on -- to steal a krana from the prison-holes on Mata Nui. He mutated it into a squid form, and cloned it, precious, and gave them tsunami powers. Then he sent them out to possess the Orcas. bones: The Orcas, the whale-like creatures he wanted because their names sound like "Orc"? The Chief Gremlin told us Survurlode failed to tame them. Wasn't he trying to wipe them out since then? Gollaga: Yes, precious. But he still wants them under control. He just needs the Orkrana to sneak up on the Orcas. Only if that fails will he wipe them out, precious. bones: Yikes. We'll be looking into that. That could be a toughie, 'cuz we'll wanna stop that, but we wouldn't want to be responsible for their deaths either... Gollaga: The other one was the Spam Trolls. They are mindless beasts with an elemental power of spam. They throw it at anybody they see, especially themselves. We had to clean up after them many times, precious, when we served Survurlode. bones: Ah. So spammers aren't human. I always wondered... But that was three projects... Gollaga: Was it? We thought we said five? bones: There's more? Gollaga: Yes, but the rest we have been forbidden to reveal. If we does, Survurlode says he will hunt us down and imprison us in a room with no cheese puffs for a hundred whiles. And on top of that, he will put a clockcuff on our hands. We live without any evil clocks, you see, precious. We are free to roam where we wants, when we wants. To be enslaved to time would be the worst torture we could imagine. bones: I understand. I only had one other question -- how did you escape Survurlode's enslavement? Gollaga: Why does it ask us what we cannot say? If we told you that, we would be doomed if we were enslaved again. bones: True. Well, thanks for your time, Gollaga. Oh, BTW, I've got a research paper for that history Professorahk due in a month -- you wouldn't mind hitting me with one of those Rhotuka around then, would you? Gollaga: We wouldn't mind, precious. We wouldn't mind at all. bones: Thanks! ... I think...
  8. Today the Bones Blog brings you an interview with one of Evil Lord Survurlode's minions, the Chief Gremlin. I discovered the existence of these creatures only by a slip of the tongue on Survurlode's part on the last interview. I've hunted down the Chief and he has agreed to let me interview him in person at his home. Though I was a little confused when he told me to meet him on a tiny rocky island off the coast of Metru Nui... This time I brought my own camera, so I could include snapshots, and I recorded the conversations. The following is the transcript. bones: Hello... Mr. Gremlin. Do you have a name other than "Chief Gremlin"? Chief Gremlin: Actually, it's THE Chief Gremlin with a capital T, just like THE Shadowed One. bones: Oh. I see. So, introduce yourself to our readers, since you were classified until recently. Who are you? And maybe a little bit about what Gremlins are? THE Chief Gremlin: Well, basically we're amphibious biomechanical minions based off a stolen BoM Fohrok design. Which is based off of stolen Bohrok designs. Which is based off of stolen design sketches from these weird fleshy creatures called something like "Hoomons" who live in a distant land called "Billund". Or so I heard. Anyways, we specialize in making computer glitches to help Evil Lord Survurlode bring BZPower and the rest of the Internet to its knees. I'm the one in charge of the others. bones: I see. THE Chief Gremlin: Don't forget to snap a photo! bones: Very well. THE Chief Gremlin: Like my fancy armor? bones: Whatever. Next question. What gave Survurlode the idea to make Gremlins biomechanical rather than just mechanical like Bohrok or Fohrok? THE Chief Gremlin: Well, Evil Lord Survurlode got tired of hearing all about the "Orcs" that served his brother, Sauron -- which are biological -- so he became obsessed with inventing his own minions. He tried Rahi called "Orcas" for a while. It made sense, given his power over water. But being whales, they didn't really listen to orders... Later he figured out that Bohrok may have once been biomechanical too, so he just worked from there. bones: Do you have any images of these "Orcas" for our readers? THE Chief Gremlin: Yes, I have some in my house. bones: Oh -- so you actually have a house? I was confused on that. All I see here are a few rocks and lots of water. THE Chief Gremlin: Well think about it -- my boss is obsessed with flooding every island he can, so a normal house would be pointless. No, a long time ago all of us Gremlins upgraded to an iHouse. bones: A what? THE Chief Gremlin: iHouse, ya know? It's the latest craze! It's a phone, mp3 player, video game console, printer, full-sized keyboard, computer desk, chair, refrigerator, oven, microwave, bed, and more. For some reason there's no Kitchen Sink, but we have so much water thanks to my boss that it doesn't matter. [He pulled the iHouse out of his pocket.] bones: All I see is a... doorknob? THE Chief Gremlin: Watch. [He pressed a button on the iHouse.] [At this point, a house magically expanded out of the back of the knob, on the island. Unfortunately as it was expanding one wall slammed into me and knocked me off into the Silver Sea, and I sunk, being an undead skeleton and all. Had to climb up the steep underwater sides of the island before the interview could continue. My recorder was ruined, but thankfully THE Chief Gremlin had another one inside his iHouse, which he lent me. Later I was able to recover the text of the first part of the interview when my recorder dried.] bones: Nice place you have. It's very... clean... THE Chief Gremlin: Yes, sorry about the lack of a mess. I get these strange impulses to clean... it all... every once in a while. It all... must be... *ahem* Sorry. Leftover code from the Bohrok design. Anyways, that's an Orca in that photograph. It's one I tamed. bones: I thought they couldn't be tamed? THE Chief Gremlin: Well, you see, Survurlode has this way with his obsessions. He became obsessed with eradicating all Orcas from the Bionicle Universe. I had to secretly tame that one so that it could survive until Survurlode forgot about it (but don't tell him that), and I discovered that the Orcas are actually very intelligent -- they just didn't like Survurlode's personality. I have a big weakness when it comes to animals in distress. I released it into the wild a few years ago. bones: Wow. Why would Survurlode do that? I mean, I know he's evil, but wiping out an entire species of animals just because they wouldn't obey him? THE Chief Gremlin: Actually, it wasn't that. He had wanted servants because of the Orcs, remember, but later when his brother died, he realized the Orcs had failed to protect Sauron. So he figured, "Orcas" might fail too. So he ordered their deaths to prevent his own downfall in his own version of a Mount Doom scenario. Voice from another room: DooMAH! bones: Who said that? THE Chief Gremlin: Ah, yes, you will want to meet my Pet Peeves! bones: Your what? THE Chief Gremlin: Pet Peeves! Creatures that feed on things that are annoying. They come in all kinds of species. It's sort of a hobby I have, collecting them. bones: Is that anything like Peeves, the Poltergeist in Harry Potter? THE Chief Gremlin: No, silly! Harry Potter is fiction! bones: Oh. THE Chief Gremlin: Just come over into this room, and I'll show you. [We walked through that crooked doorway you saw earlier.] These kraata-like things are Plural Apostrophe's. THE Chief Gremlin: They all have a hive mind, so the whole group is really one creature. They have very intense appetites -- most people can't handle them. The trick is to feed them with any book that you own, if it has typos in it, a couple a day. So obviously I spend a lot of time at the bookstore. Mostly I feed them Faulkner. Plural Apostrophe's: *Hisssssssssss* bones: And what are these tablets with eyes? THE Chief Gremlin: These are Bionicles. THE Chief Gremlin: They're pretty easy to handle. They just sit there and quote from the legends of Bionicle whenever they're nervous. They're an endangered species, because only a few inhabitants of BZ-Koro domesticate them, and they're very vulnerable in the wild. Although I've heard that those fleshy things in Billund have some too. A Bionicle: "And that is the way.... of the BIONICLE." Another Bionicle: "We must rescue the Matorans!" Yet Another: "Unity! Duty! DESTINY!!!!11!1!" THE Chief Gremlin: There there. [He fed the Bionicles some snacks called "Topic Titles", and they calmed down.] Anyways, I also have some Alwayzon Turnsignals, some of their relatives the Neveron Turnsignals, some Chalkboard Scratchers, and the one you heard was a very rare specimen, a Doom. Doom: DooMAH! bones: Oh, those. I think I've got one running around at home, actually... THE Chief Gremlin: Yes, there are many Wild Peeves too. I'm actually writing a book called "How to Catch a Wild Peeve". Or at least, I'm trying to write it, but every time I make a typo, the Plural Apostrophe's eat the draft... bones: Now, this is interesting. You are a head honcho in the most evil organization known, and yet you have this soft spot. Is this, maybe, because deep down, you know you're on the wrong side? THE Chief Gremlin: Ha! No, no, I love my job. What is this, good cop, bad cop? bones: I'm a moderator, not a cop... besides, there's nobody else here to be the other cop. Another voice: *ahem* And what am I, a fly on the wall? [At this point I noticed the evil clock in the room. Which was, incidentally, on the wall, but I didn't bring it up...] bones: Ah. No, didn't mean to imply that. But aren't all evil clocks higher ranking than Gremlins? You would be THE Chief Gremlin's overseer, yes? Maybe he is just pretending to like his job since you're here? Wall Clock: I serve merely as the messenger to the Chief Evil Clock for The Chief Gremlin. I knew about the Orca, you know -- and I didn't pass that on. I'm loyal to The Chief Gremlin. And by the way, you don't have to keep yelling "THE". Yeesh. bones: Sorry. The Chief Gremlin: Anyways, no, I am proud of the E.V.I.L. we have accomplished. Recently, although Brave Knight... I mean, Cowardly Scum Binkmeister did deal us a serious blow with the board update, I singlehandedly created the Gremlin Database Corruption Glitch, which as you know has been randomly deleting members and topics, making random forums or topics inaccessible. Etc. bones: Oh, yes, I know. You made S&T inaccessible the other day. And one of the RKs lost his account. So... just remember who you're talking to before you get all cocky... Wall Clock: You are powerless here, skeleton. Remember the clockcuff that is still on your wrist, despite your silly sledgehammers. bones: The Chief Gremlin: And we've made plenty of headway lately. Remember brickshelf? That was our doing. All the busy messages on BIONICLEsector01? Gremlins, and same with the host difficulties, with the help of an Evil Clock. We've even managed to interfere with people's abiltity to back up their files during the short time they still have brickshelf! bones: The Chief Gremlin: And we have more plans. Oh yes, don't you doubt it. bones: Anything you can tell us about those plans? And please don't say "Sorry, that information is classified." I hate it when you guys steal my lines. The Chief Gremlin: Oh! Then maybe you'd be interested in helping me catch a Stolen Thunder Peeve? bones: Uh, no thanks. Sounds... dangerous. And don't change the subject. The Chief Gremlin: Well, I think we can afford to reveal one of Survurlode's backup plans, just so you don't think you can ever win. You see, Sauron was once in a form much like Survurlode's current form, but he was "killed" when Isildur cut the One Telephone Ring off his finger, right? bones: Yeah? The Chief Gremlin: Well, as you know, Sauron came back in the form of a giant tower with a giant I of flame. So we Gremlins have designed a similar tower for Survurlode, just in case Binkmeister ever "kills" him. It's a giant I of water. Here, I've got the plans of it here. bones: Are you sure it was an "I"? I thought it was an "eye". The Chief Gremlin: That was only in the movie version. In real life it was an I, because Sauron was... well, very selfish. He said "I" a lot, you know? They just made the eye in the movie to emphasize how all-seeing he was, just like Survurlode. bones: I see. Um... pun not intended... The Chief Gremlin: And by the way, once you read the transcript of this interview on the recorder I give you, you'll noticed I said "E.V.I.L." earlier rather than just "evil". That's one of our plans too. bones: What's that stand for? And what's the plan? The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". And all I can say right now is, it involves Ahkmou, and it will involve the Bohrok and the Nuva... bones: Oh dear. You didn't hack the Bohrok that the Nuva just awoke did you? The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". And all I can say right now is, it involves Ahkmou, and it will involve the Bohrok and the Nuva... bones: Um. You said that already. The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". And all I can say right now is, it involves Ahkmou, and it will involve the Bohrok and the Nuva... bones: Hello? Wallclock: It's the glitches. We call it Broken Record Syndrome. bones: Yeah, Evil Lord Survurlode mentioned this happens sometimes. How do I knock him out of it? Wallclock: You wait. bones: The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". And all I can say right now is, it involves Ahkmou, and it will involve the Bohrok and the Nuva... bones: You know, with cars, "lemons" are defective. The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". What what? Oh. Sorry. There I go again. Again. Again. *ahem* bones: I was hoping to ask you about the mysterious Poolantir that Survurlode has. What are its powers? How does it work? All I know is what it looks like, from this photograph our spies obtained: The Chief Gremlin: It must be cleaned. bones: Um... The Chief Gremlin: CLEAN IT ALL! [At this point he began running around, grabbing brooms, vacuum cleaners, sponges, dustclothes, etc. and cleaning the house. And he dusted off the same windowsill twenty times. It got a little old.] The Chief Gremlin: What are you just standing around for, Matoran slave? bones: Wh... Oh great. Don't tell me there's leftover code from the Fohrok too! Wallclock: Well how else would they be so glitchy? The Chief Gremlin: What are your orders, Makuta? bones: Who... me? Oh! Right, right. Well, first, betray Evil Lord Survur-- Wallclock: That's QUITE enough! Snap out of it, The Chief Gremlin! The Chief Gremlin: What? Oh! Sorry. It really does need cleaned though! bones: Poolantir! What are its powers? The Chief Gremlin: Sorry, that information is classified. Sorry, that information... bones: Well, I can see this interview is over. Thanks for giving our readers this time, Chief Gremlin-- The Chief Gremlin: THE Chief Gremlin... Sorry. Pet peeve. bones: And I look forward to perhaps talking with you again sometime. The Chief Gremlin: It's been a pleasure, Matoran Slave. What? What are you babbling about, slave? Go clean your room! bones: [After this point, I was priveleged to witness the other glitch Survurlode had mentioned -- The Chief Gremlin decided he wanted to eat me, so I skedaddled out of there as fast as my bony legs could take me. I think I'll go back to telephone interviews from now on...]
  9. Today the Bones Blog brings you an exclusive interview with none other than Evil Lord Survurlode himself! Since the discovery of this wannabe architect of BZP's doom, I have been attempting to contact him for an interview, but the server kept eating my PMs for some mysterious reason... Anyways, he has agreed to give this interview via his evil Poolantir crystal globe, wired into a telephone system. Still trying to figure out how the pics come through the phone, but I guess it's a power of the Poolantir. bones: Well, how to begin. Welcome, Mr. Evil Dude--I'm sure BZP's members are eager to hear more about you, considering you want to make their lives as miserable as possible. Know thy enemy *cough* I mean, because you're such an interesting person! Survurlode: Thank you! I am that! bones: Why don't you begin by introducing yourself... and don't take that the wrong way--your evil clock minion kinda did... Survurlode: Don't worry--I'm a big enough guy--both because I can handle the idea of some poor souls having not heard of me... and 'cuz I need to lay off the Twinkies a little.... *ahem* Who am I? Well, my little BZP-lings, have you ever wanted to load a page on BZPower, but instead had to wait a very long time? That is me. Have you ever got a board message with some cheesy joke and some bubble wrap on it? That's me. My mission in life is to end your ability to access BZPower. Obliterate it. Ruin your fun, your life, everything! Here's a photo of me, from last week: bones: You look very familiar. Survurlode: Indeed I do. As you know, bones, I am in fact the brother to Sauron, the ancient Lord who once nearly conquered Middle Earth, and made a ton of cash in movie sales. I'm a lot more handsome though. He controlled forces associated with fire--I instead control the sea. Floods shall wreak forth upon the Earth, and all ye who buy stock in inflatable rafts shall prosper! Behold; the instrument of thine doom! bones: We are all glad you're weaker than Sauron... Survurlode: HAH! Nonsense, dude! In recent years my successes in thwarting BZPers have strengthened me, and I've begun to redefine my goals, branch out as it were. I just had a meeting with the Chif Evil Clock the other day, and it looks like we're closer than ever before to ruling all of Earth! Clocks have enslaved more people in 2006 to our evil schedules than ever before! bones: Oh goody. Soooo. Does this evil thing just run in the family or what? Why choose this life? You could have gotten a job at Seaworld or something and retired rich. Survurlode: That's easy. My name is "Evil Lord Survurlode"--I wouldn't be a very good Evil Lord if I was a good guy, would I? bones: ... Uh, riiight. Next question. You may recall that the BZPower News Team interviewed you several years ago, but the interview was never posted on the front page. Binky said he tried to put it up, but it just wouldn't go through; it appeared to be some sort of glitch. It was only later that I uncovered a few quotes from it in an old printout--my dog actually ate most of the printout, so I couldn't read the whole thing. You wouldn't happen to know anything about the glitch would you? Survurlode: Ah yes. Those were the days--I could thwart BZPers left and right and they had no idea who I was or even that I was doing it! Ha ha! Yes, I had the article stopped--how is classified--because unbeknownst to me, Binkmeister had secured some classified quotes without my permission, including my comments at the creation of the Evil Clocks. bones: I noticed some of the quotes seemed out of place. Neato! Survurlode: But you, you cursed skeleton, snuck the truth by me. The blogs were a new feature, so my Grem--my... influence... hadn't yet gained control of that system. The word is out now, so I can no longer hide the truth. bones: Glad to be of service. You can thank Binkmeister for devising the blog system. *snickers* Now, the snippets of the old article that I recovered gave some hints as to your strategy for conquering BZP. Since the jist of it is in the public eye, wanna comment on that strategy? Survurlode: *grumbles* Oh, I suppooose. Well, you see......... bones: .... I'm waiting? Survurlode: Board Message: What do you get when you mix a cellphone with a Bohrok? A Bohrok Kal! Ah-HAHAHAHA!1! bones: Oh great. Now Board messages can come over the telephone?!? Survurlode: Board Message: We are the Piraka; Who don't do anything! We just stay at home; And lie around! bones: I... I guess I refresh by saying something. Survurlode: Can you hear me now? bones: Um... Hello again. Survurlode: Good. Sorry about that, the Grem---I mean, the phone system overloaded there. It's a beeyoootiful thing, idn't it? bones: You were saying? Survurlode: Right. Well, it begins with a top-secret algorithm the Gr--I had uploaded to BZPower's server. Binkmeister knows this, but he doesn't know how to stop it. Whenever a BZPower wants to load a page, the ping runs through the algorithm, which artificially inflates the number of refreshes tenfold. You can see the algorithm running here: The load increases even more when more members are online. So you are faced with the priceless dilemma: stick around, you harm the server load; leave, and you bow to my wishes! Muahahaha! bones: I notice two parts that seem odd at first glance. This is a board message, which is supposed to make us bored, right? Survurlode: Right. You're talking about the random cheesy message and the bubble wrap, right? bones: Yeah. I mean, some of those messages are really funny! Given, it's still annoying when they just keep popping up, but they lessen the annoyance. And speaking of popping, who can turn down bubble wrap? Survurlode: Well, bones, you've hit the nail right on the head there. Who indeed? See, that's the catch--while I distract you with these funny messages, you're more interested in refreshing the page so you can get more. More refreshes, more multiplied pings, more server load. What's more, everytime a bubble is popped on the bubble wrap, the server load actually multiplies by twenty. Reloading the wrap? Forty. That lady isn't saying she wants more bubble wrap--she wants more server load! bones: B-but... it's not fair! Survurlode: Evil Lord, remember? bones: *sigh* Survurlode: Of course, the other part to pay attention to is the call to the flood of SURVURLODE--yours truly. Every ping draws a bit of my power into the virtual world known as BZPower--rising a flood of water that threatens to engulf the little island you call home. You all have seen it--as your page loads ever-so-slowly... you see nothing but a big blank window of either blue--the water--or white--the churning foam as it rises. bones: But surely we can break the habit, and choose to ignore the bubble wrap! Survurlode: Bones, take a look at this image. I call it "Wrap and Roll:" bones: Ooooooh. But no... Must... resist.... Survurlode: I call this one "Follow the Bubble Brick Road:" bones: *drools* Wait, no! Survurlode: But wait, there's more! Order today and get a free set of Ginsu knives to make your bubble popping ten times as fun!!!! bones: Resist! Survurlode: This is why I am more powerful than Sauron. Sauron had to try to conquer by force because nobody wants to be burned alive! But my power is more attractive. You see, the bubble wrap idea came directly from my power--as I churn the waves with fury, often the sea makes foam: One day I saw a little Matoran run up to the foam after surviving a flood of mine, and he began popping the bubbles as his quaint way of getting back at me. But as I watched... his frown turned to a smile, and he couldn't stop! He popped every bubble on that beach, and then begged me to make more! bones: Wow. I hope I don't end up like that guy... Okay... Why don't we try another subject, hopefully one less... spooky. You're a powerful Evil Lord. A guy like you needs minions. We've already met the Chief Evil Clock and heard about his armies. Are they your only minions? 'Cuz I'm seriously thinking sledgehammers are the way we should go... Survurlode: Oh, no, my friend, they are not all. I have many minions. bones: I'm not your friend. So, care to elaborate? Survurlode: Board Message: Secret Message #78,921: Dimensioneer likes Bionicle. bones: Um... boy that was clever... Survurlode: Board Message: One Refresh to thwart them all; One Refresh to overload them. One Refresh to flood them all, and in the bubble wrap bind them. bones: Whoa. That one is more interesting... Survurlode: What's in your wallet? I mean... Can you hear me now? bones: Wrong ad there dude. Hello again. Survurlode. Bad. I mean... good. Sorry, the G---the phone service again. bones: I get the distinct impression you wanna avoid the subject of who your other minions are. But you keep mentioning this "Grem something." What does that mean? Survurlode: Curse you, oh ye of abundant calcium. *sigh* I guess the cat's out of the bag on that too. Well, it's really pretty simple, bones. You see, Sauron had Orcs to serve him, otherwise known as Goblins. Well, I have Gremlins instead. Gremlines are like Bohrok with fangs and ears--I based them off of a stolen schematic of Fohrok from the Brotherhood of Makuta, but I made them biomechanical with the DNA of Orcs. The combination didn't exactly go so well... and they ended up very glitchy. Here's a photo of one of them: bones: Interesting. You said "glitchy"--what do you mean? Survurlode: Well, they have a habit of trying to bite everything they see, for one. Sometimes they spark and dance around like Matoran who ran into a Room Rahi and went nuts. They imitate broken records sometimes, so carrying on conversations is rather difficult. They also have intense phobias... but their brains are so mixed up they randomly mix up what they're afraid of and what they aren't. bones: Sounds... inefficient. Survurlode: But oh, they have their uses! In their rare moments of sanity, they are coding geniuses, and they designed the server lode algorithm. They can hack computers with their minds... and they even function as my island's telephone connection! bones: Wow. So... that's how Board Messages come over a phone... Any other minions? Survurlode: Well, let's see, you've met Tikatahk... so there's-- bones: Who? Survurlode: What? Oh. Whoops. Um, Tikatahk. It's the Chief Evil Clock's real name, but he hates it--that's why he didn't tell it to you in your interview with him. I have a feeling my alarm clock is going to be very cruel all of a sudden.... bones: Awesome. Go on. Survurlode: *glares* Well, there are Uruk Kal--supercharged Gremlins that are part Clock--Tikatahk invented them. You've already heard of Hapori Doom, right? bones: WAIT! Did you mean to say you were behind the server shutdowns when Hapori Dume invaded? Surverlode: Surprise! Yep--Old Happy was a rogue member of the Brotherhood of Makuta who got stuck in the form of Turaga Dume whilst competing with Makuta for appointment to the Metru Nui job. He was laughed out of the Brotherhood, so I welcomed him with open arms. He's been a loyal slave--ah... friend ever since. bones: I see. Anyone else? Survurlode: Well, there was Gollaga for a while, though he escaped centuries ago... bones: Who? Survurlode: He's an evil Rahaga. He was able to steal the One Refresh when he escaped my service, and it turned him into a wretched creature that can't stand any kind of food other than cheese puffs. bones: Cheese Puffs? Survurlode: I don't understand it also. Anyways, he still performed missions every once in a while for me when I offer him certain... rewards. bones: More Cheese Puffs? Survurlode: No, the right to stay alive. bones: ... Right. That would do it, eh? But! It seems you just made a major slip-up, Mr. Evil Dude. You just said this Gollaga has the One Refresh. Survurlode: Oh, he lost it long ago, don't worry. bones: Bah. Still, I think I'll want to try to talk to him sometime.... But why don't we turn to that subject now. The One Refresh. What exactly is it? One of the server busy messages for your phone service had some sort of poem about it... It sounded interesting. Survurlode: Well, as you probably gathered from the quotes you obtained from the old BZP interview, it was based on Sauron's One Ring. You see, Sauron was an old fogie, and back in his day, they didn't have computers. They just had phones. You called people by making a Ring. So he decided that to call everybody up all at once and thus hold them all under his spell, he would have to craft a One Telephone Ring. bones: So that how that worked. Sounds different from what I remember... but whatever dude! So you did the same with your One Refresh? Survurlode: Correct. I forged it in the protodermis depths of a deep sea trench... whose location shall remain a secret... and endowed it with the ability to protect my life force against any attack should I ever need that, just like Sauron. But I devised ways of preventing its destruction, unlike Sauron--his ring was destroyed in the very fires that made it in Mount Doom. bones: Doomah. Survurlode: Whatever. You can see an image of my One Refresh here, along with that poem you heard, which is the lyrical manifestation of the very spell that bound its power: bones: Hm... glowing blue pedestal. Will have to remember to keep my eye out for that... Survurlode: Don't hold your breath. It's hidden in the hardest place to find in all of existence. bones: In all of it? I guess you're really worried about it. I wonder if there's a Frodo/Bilbo parallel here? Do you mean by that that even you don't know where it is? That maybe it's in the hands of a tiny creature out there, maybe a Voyatoran, who's just waiting for a Toa to tell him about a quest to destroy it? Survurlode: Board Message: Secret Message #5,400,738: bonesiii likes cheese puffs. He must be as evil as Gollaga!!! Muahahahaha! bones: ..... I get the feeling there's something fishy about these messages... Survurlode: Board Message: Thank you for calling Survurlode Industries Inc. Your input is valuable to us. Please hold. Thank you for calling Survurlode Industries Inc.... bones: Um... Can you hear me now? Survurlode: Board Message: A computer virus. Five dollars ninety-nine cents. Overloaded RAM. Seventy dollars. A glitchy browser. One hundred dollars. A server bogged by cheesy server messages and bubble wrap addicts. Priceless. bones: Hello? Survurlode: Board Message: Pop Bubble Wrap! bones: No! Resist! Survurlode: Board Message: Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles! bones: Resist! Survurlode: Page Cannot Be Displayed. bones: ... Well, folks, I guess that's all for this interview. I was hoping to figure out the mystery of the Poolantir, but I guess it'll have to wait. Thanks for listening, and here's hoping the next interview provides more clues about how to defeat this wacko! Survurlode: I heard that!
  10. Today the Bones Blog brings you an exclusive interview over the phone with the Cheif Minion of Evil Lord Survurlode--the sole architect of BZP's doom, or so he hopes. Yes, that's right, the Cheif Evil Clock himself has agreed to do an interview! He's graciously provided images to act as visual aids for his propoganda comments. No idea how he got the pics to go over the phone. Read on... bones: Well, thanks for your, um... time, Evil Clock. Why don't you begin by introducing yourself for those who aren't aware of you? Evil Clock: Not aware of me? Are you kidding me? Everybody knows me--or at least they know one of my millions upon billions of relatives. I am Evil Clock. Lord Survurlode invented me as part of his ongoing quest to disrupt BZP members' lives. He can raise his floods to swamp the server, but a guy needs his rest, ya know? So he can't be on all the time. Well, I, Evil Clock, pick up the slack by constantly reminding people that they need to be elsewhere, doing some important thing, to distract them from BZP. Here you can see my photo: bones: You look quite spooky. Evil Clock: I am spooky. Or at least I think so... it's not like I'm scared of myself or anything! bones: I didn't mean to imply that... So, moving on, why do you think Survurlode is obsessed with harming BZP? Evil Clock: "Obsessed"? That's such a strong word. It's really more of a hobby. bones: Really? Evil Clock: Well, he's lived thousands of years, being a brother of Sauron and all. He has lotsa time on his hands. Get it? Time! Ha ha! bones: Riiiight. So, moving right along... When did Survurlode come up with the idea for Clocks? Evil Clock: Well, that's an interesting story, actually. You see, the first clocks were actually invented by the Great Beings in ancient times. They were called water clocks, and since Survurlode has power over water, they drew his attention. He set his human and goblin slaves to work building a more advanced version, and soon came up with this prototype clock: bones: Looks complicated. Evil Clock: Sure was. He got the idea for the clockwork mechanisms from Vahki. He couldn't get the EVIL needed with this, however, so finally he "borrowed" a Vahki from Makuta when he was disguised as that Doom fellow. bones: It's "Doomah." Evil Clock: Whatever. Anyways, with much modification and power from... something... he was able to build me! The Chief of the Evil Clocks. bones: What was the "something"? Evil Clock: Sorry, that information is classified. bones: ...So you singlehandedly rule over all clocks in the world? Evil Clock: Well, brilliant as I am, we needed more clocks with their own evil minds. So we stole a Vahki production facility (Survurlode had to personally carry it out of Metru Nui), and began making tons and tons of clocks, and sent them out into the world. Here you can see a slave inside a Clock Production HQ, and here you can see a poor old woman paying homage to a Vaulted House Clock. Here's my personal favorite, a man enslaved by a "Clockcuff." bones: *glances nervously at his wrist* That's interesting. What's the story behind "clockcuffs"? Evil Clock: They were inspired by a magical device in ancient times that you can see in this photo of a genie--these magical beings were often enslaved by golden cuffs. Survurlode had his own prototype versions made, like this one: bones: Evil Clock: Yes, tremble! Millions of people are cuffed by these magical devices, which, again, have a mind all of their own, just like me. bones: Okay, I'm officially spooked and all, but these clocks seem easy enough to defeat. A hammer would do nicely... Evil Clock: Thought of that, have an answer. We needed more than just cuffs and Vaulted House Clocks, sure. We needed an army. Remember that image of the slave in the Clock HQ? bones: Yep... Evil Clock: He was building what was known as a Grand Elite Clock. A soldier with great power. Here you can see one of the armies of these clocks: bones: Okay, but an army needs organization, leaders. Do you have those as well? Evil Clock: Indeed we do. Here you can see a Royal Clock in his palace, surrounded by slaves: bones: Oy. I note that they are all elderly, though, with one exception. What about the millions of people who don't wear clockcuffs and who are able-bodied! I think we have room for an uprising here! Evil Clock: Dream on, skeleton dude. For that, Survurlode invented the Overlord Clock species. Here you can see one of them, my Uncle Benny: bones: B-but... i-i-it's not fair! Evil Clock: Evil is as evil does. bones: Okay, but what about computers? Nowadays we have computers. BZP runs on computers. Haven't we taken over technology for our own purposes, and left these mechanical things behind? Evil Clock: Click this pic, buster: Digital Clock. But see, ultimately, everything, from ovens (food sources) to cars (transportation) is ruled by one of my brethren. Even BZP is enslaved: bones: Evil Clock: Yes, nothing can stop us. We are a horde to rival the Visorak or the Bohrok. Toa? Psshh. Wimps. Under my fellow Evil Clocks, Lord Survurlode will conquer the entire planet! bones: Okay, but Lord Survurlode has one weakness, right? Evil Clock: Maybe... bones: Sauron had his One Telephone Ring. It was tossed into Mount Doom. Evil Clock: Mount Doomah. bones: Right... Survurlode has said that his own version, the One Refresh, is immune to that. But surely something else can destroy it. A nuke, perhaps? Tossing it in the sun? Evil Clock: Oh, look at the time! bones, don't you have some modding to do? A contest to run? An RPG to work on? Yes, yes, I think this interview has run long enough. Let me just leave you with this one image. It's me, in all my towering Overlord Chief glory, as Lord Survurlode summons his flood to swamp BZP's server. Evil Clock: And before you even think it--yes, I'm waterproof. bones: Darn. Evil Clock: *hangs up phone*
  11. Just a few updates on various things: -Contest: Well, I took most of Tuesday and Wednesday off, thinking I could catch up on Thursday with updating lists n such... the contest's been such a drain of my energy I needed a break. Then of course the weird glitch hit that took the server offline all day Thursday. Today I am rushing to catch up.... >_> -Paracosmos: In the meantime I was able to begin (just barely) work on the RPG again. We're almost ready to release a version 1.2, actually, fixing some glitches and such. Unfortunately poor Agents of Surrender's getting slow chapter updates due to the contest... will get to that today too if the server will let me. *glares at server* -Moderating: I've had to put off reading tons of reports thanks to the contest... and mostly the evil server. *glares* Tryin to catch up, man, tryin to... Also, an official Bionicle Legends#3 official topic needs to happen, and I haven't even been able to think about it. Anyone that reads this--just post a review in the "Catching up" topic in M&B, and first one posted will probably get the topic (PM me once it's posted). I don't have time to answer PMed questions about this right now. -My inbox: Oh, yes, that. Still about two pages or three that need getting to... trying to catch up. Please do not be concerned if I do not read or respond to any PMs for a while now... Gotta prioritize. -My computer: Windows Updates are evil, I tells ya. This latest one is obsessed with restarting my computer... regardless of what I'm working on at the moment. Thankfully there's a "Restart Later" button. But yeesh. And the one before that has convinced my computer that my Windows isn't "Genuine"--which I guess means it wants to re-install my OS. *grrr* Never mind what bad side effects will inevitably come from that... like lost files... Why can't Windows learn the almighty truth of "If it ain't broke, don't fix it?" It's almost enough to make me want a Mac...... almost. -Server: It's been conquered by Evil Lord Survurlode! RUN!11!1! Ignore the bubble wrap! It's bait for a trap!
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