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  1. The Three Matoran and Hakann Narrator: There was once three Matoran who lived in a small village ruled by a Turaga with no name. The three Matoran, who each happened to have a small fortune to their names, grew bored of living in this simple village. They each decided to leave their village and live on their own in the forest. Everyone else in the village thought they were crazy, but they didn't care. They just wanted some adventure in their lives, which wasn't that much to ask for if you think about it. And so they left, and... Hakann: HEY NARRATOR! Narrator: ' turns around' What is it? Hakann: Can we moved this story along? Its not like anyone reading this wants a history lesson! Narrator: Fine. But your not in the story yet. BE GONE! Hakann: 'Vanishes in a puff of smoke' Narrator: Anyway, one of the Matoran, a Ta-Matoran named Balta, met an straw salesman while looking for a good place to build his house. The Matoran thought it would be a great material to use to build his new home. Balta: Hey, let me buy all your straw so that I can build myself a house! Salesman: You sure? Straw isn't the greatest material to build a house with. I'm sure you could find something else.. Balta: 'pulls a two pound diamond out of his pack and holds it up to the Salesman' Salesman: Then again, who am I to tell someone what to build a house with! Narrator: So Balta got his straw and used it to build his dream house. But then, the sinister Skakdi named Hakann came to the Ta-Matoran's house. Hakann: "Suddenly reappears six feet in the air and crashes face-first into the ground" OW! What...happened? Where am 'looks up and sees straw house in front of him' What on earth is that? Narrator: A straw house. A Matoran with great riches built it, and... Hakann: MATORAN WITH GREAT RICHES! "runs to the door of the house and begins pounding on it" Let me in! Let me in! LET ME IN! I want those riches! Balta: 'hears Hakann pounding on his door' What the...? Who's out there? Hakann: The names Hakann, and I demand that you let me in and give me your great riches! Balta: Not by the hair that grows out of my shiny red mask I won't, you thief! Hakann:...You have hair growing out of your mask? Ew. Balta: I know, but what's one to do? Hakann: Let me in, or I'll burn your house down! Balta: HA! Everyone knows that straw is inflammable! So I would love to see you try! Hakann: Okay.... "Fires his heat vision, abruptly burning the straw house to the ground" Balta: HOLY SMOKES! Hakann: You seriously thought that wouldn't happen? Where did you come from? Moron Village? Balta: Yep. Hakann: Okay... 'searches the remains of the house, only to find that there is nothing in them' Hakann: Where is it? Balta: Where is what? Hakann: The riches? YOUR riches?! Balta: Oh. I spent it all to get the straw to build my house. Hakann: You WHAT?! Balta: I said I spent all my treasure for the straw that made up my house! You need a hearing aid or something, dude. Hakann: WHY YOU LITTLE...! Narrator: Balta, seeing the murderous expression on Hakann's face, began to run for his life down the road. Hakann ran full speed after him. Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, a Le-Matoran named Piruk is attempting to buy a few hundred sticks from the Salesman. Piruk: Your sticks would really make a good house for me, my man. Think I can buy them from you? Salesman: Look, I think you want to buy some logs, not some little sticks that could be blown down with the slightest breeze. Piruk: 'pulls a three pound diamond out of his pack and holds it up to the Salesman' Salesman: Nevermind. Narrator: So Piruk got his sticks and quickly got his house built in a couple hours. He just got the finishing touches when he heard someone coming down the road. Balta: HELP! Hakann: STOP SCREAMING AND SLOW DOWN! Piruk: 'turns and see Balta running towards him, with Hakann not far behind' Balta: Brother! Help me! Piruk: Quick! Into my house! 'Both Matoran rushed into the stick house and slammed the door just as Hakann reached it' Hakann: 'runs straight into the door' Ow! 'The Skakdi backs away from the door, covering his face. After a few seconds, he looks and notices the stick house in front of him.' Hakann: Well, at least this makes more sense than a straw house. Balta: 'Overhears Hakann's comment from outside the door' Hey! Piruk: Go away, you monster! I'll never give you my diamonds! Hakann: That Ta-Matoran said he had treasure, and...wait, did you say you had diamonds?! Balta: Yes he did, you hearing-impaired freak. Hakann: 'Begins pounding on the door" Let me in! Let me in! Piruk: Not by the hair that grows out of my green-armored feet, you outlaw! Hakann:....Okay, I always thought that Matoran were disgusting, but this is getting ridiculous! Piruk: Couldn't agree with you more, but lets see you try to find a foot hair trimmer in the Bionicle universe! Hakann: Just give me your diamonds! Or I'll burn your house down with my heat vision! Piruk: HA! Everyone knows that sticks are inflammable! So I would love to see you try! Hakann:....Really? Whatever school you two went to should be closed. Anyway, I warned you... 'fires heat vision, incinerating the stick house in seconds. Only the two Matoran, a table that somehow didn't burn up in the fire, and the diamonds are all that is left in the spot where the house stood' Piruk: HOLY SMOKES! Balta: You just had to tell him you had diamonds, didn't you! Hakann: 'walks up to the two Matoran' Give me your diamonds! NOW! Piruk: 'gives Hakann the diamonds' Here. Just don't burn us up, okay. Hakann: See, that wasn't so...wait. 'feels the diamonds in his hands, only to discover something very wrong with them...' Hakann: WHAT THE...! These diamonds are made out of PAPER! Piruk: That is my treasure. Paper diamonds. Hakann: Piruk: Well, I did have one real diamond, but I used it to buy all the sticks for my house, which you promptly incinerated. Balta: 'to Hakann' You are truly a profit-destroyer, Mr. Ugly Face. Hakann: 'crushes the paper diamonds in his hand' I"M GOING TO GET BOTH OF YOU NOW! Piruk: RUN FOR IT! Balta: You don't have to tell me twice! Narrator: So both Matoran began to run for their lives, with a now enraged Hakann on their tails. After a few minutes of running through the woods, the two Matoran come across the third Matoran of this story, who had just finished building his brick house. This particular Matoran, a Ko-Matoran named Kazi, was standing in front of his house, admiring his work. He had even installed a security camera with microphone next the front door, so that he could talk to anyone who bothered to knock on his door before he even opened it to make sure it wasn't sure burglar or monster to something of the sort, which was wise, if one thought about it, and it made Kazi very proud to think... Hakann: WILL YOU END THAT RUN-ON SENTENCE AND GET ON WITH THE STORY! Piruk: Yeah! My buddy and I are being chased by this ugly dude, for crying out loud! Hakann: HEY! Who are you calling ugly! Balta: You! Seriously, get a hearing aid! Narrator: ENOUGH! Anyway, Kazi was admiring his house when he heard his fellow Matoran running up the road to meet him, with Hakann not far behind. Piruk: Help us bother! Kazi: Quick! Into my house! Balta: Deja vu! Narrator: The three Matoran rush into the house and slam the door shut just as Hakann reached it. Hakann: 'comes to a stop mere inches from the door' HA! I didn't run into it that time! Kazi: 'swings the door open, slamming it into Hakann's face, then closes it again' Hakann: OOOOWWWWWW! 'backs away a couple steps' What is that door make of, concrete? Kazi: 'from the microphone on the security camera' Actually, it is. Hakann: Who comes up with something like that? Kazi: Moron Village's only genius, which is me. Hakann: It doesn't matter what your door is made of. I can still burn the rest of your house down! Narrator: Hakann fired his heat vision at the house, only to have the lasers bounce off the walls and into the sky, hitting a nearby Toa using a Mask of Flight and causing him to crash into a tall tree. Toa with Mask of Flight: WHY ME? Hakann: That...was random. But how was my heat vision reflected like that? Kazi: My house is made up of heat-resistant bricks! You'll never be able to burn it down! Balta: The saying 'the third times the charm' won't apply to you here, ugly face! Hakann: Well, that makes more sense than inflammable straw and sticks. But how did you make these bricks? Kazi: This is a BZPower Comedy. Anything goes here, so long as it follows the rules of the Forum! Piruk: Yeah, so you should just give up now, you hooligan! Hakann: YOU LITTLE...! 'slams fist into the door, forgetting for a second that it's made of concrete' Hakann: OUCH! Kazi: Smooth there, dude. Just face the facts, you'll never be able to get in here and steal my diamonds. You'll just make a bigger fool of yourselves if you keep trying. Hakann: Well...hold the phone! You have diamonds too! You give them to me right now, or I'll...wait, you still have these diamonds in your house, correct? Kazi: Yes. Hakann: And they're REAL diamonds, not paper diamonds or plastic diamonds or rocks that are painted to look like diamonds or... Kazi: They're real diamonds! I assure you! Hakann: Okay then. Give them to me, or I'll destroy your house! Piruk: We've already established that you can't burn this one down, so what else you got? Hakann: I'll let you know.... Narrator: Hakann came to the conclusion that he would never be able to break into the house. Hakann: What? Narrator: So he stormed off in frustration into the woods. Hakann: No I didn't! Narrator: THE END. Hakann: You can't end the story now! I haven't got my diamonds yet! Narrator: Um....you can't burn it down, dude. Hakann: There are other ways for me to get those diamonds! All I need is a little strategy. 'walks calmly to the door' Hey, listen. I know that burning down those houses earlier was wrong. I've realized the error of my ways. I'm sorry. To make up for my actions, why don't I take you all to an apple tree near here and we pick apples together. It would be great for us all, wouldn't you say? Kazi: Nice sob story. I would believe you, except for the fact that we just hear you say over the microphone seconds ago that you still want my diamonds. Piruk: But if you really want an apple... 'A small opening appears in the door, and an apple comes flying out of it, hitting Hakann in the head' Hakann: OOOOWWWWW! Balta: Yeah, we already have plenty of apples. And other foods too, for that matter. So don't try bribing us with food! Narrator: Can I end it now? Hakann: NO! I'll just to go to plan B. Narrator: 'Sigh' Okay, so the refusing-to-give-up Hakann ran into the woods and somehow came back with a ladder. He set it next to the wall of the house and began climbing up it, with the intent on climbing on the roof to the chimney and sliding down it. But once he got to the top of the ladder, he made a very surprising discovery... Hakann: WHERE'S THE ROOF?! 'looks down and sees the three Matoran looking up at him, a table with the diamonds on it, and, for some weird reason, a boat sitting on a carpet next to said table' Kazi: What? Who says a house has to have a roof? Hakann: But...what do you do if it rains? Kazi: 'Points to the boat' Hakann: Oh. And what if an intruder, like yours truly, decides to jump into your roofless house? Kazi: I do this. 'Grabs a hidden pie from under the table and hurls it at Hakann, striking him in the face' Hakann: 'Falls back and crashes into the ground' Balta: 'leaps up, grabs the ladder, and pulls it over the wall and into the house' Hakann: 'pulls himself up and scraps pie off his face' How hard is it to get into a roofless, heat resistant house?! Kazi: 'Over the microphone' It's very hard for you, apparently. Narrator: You know what? I'm ending this now, because I'm getting tired of this insanity! Hakann: Oh no you WON'T! Not unitl I get those diamonds! Narrator: Oh yeah? BE GONE! Hakann: You can't... 'vanishes once again in a puff of smoke' Narrator: The three Matoran then come out of the house, thankful that the menacing Hakann was gone. Piruk:....We are? Kazi: I guess so. Balta: I wouldn't call that guy 'menacing.' I would call him an arsonist who needed a hearing aid. Narrator: Relieved that Hakann was gone, the three Matoran went on with their happy lives. Balta: Happy? MY HOUSE WAS BURNED TO THE GROUND! Piruk: SAME HERE! Narrator: Not my problem. Now the properly end this weird and kind of pointless story. Kazi: But where are my comrades suppose to live. Narrator: With you, I suppose. I don't really care. THE END. Salesman: WAIT! How come everyone in the story got a name but me? Narrator: I said THE END. Hakann: And where did I vanish too? Narrator: I SAID THE END! THE END ___________________________________________ This is my first comedy that I've written and posted on BZP. I hope you all enjoyed it. Comments and criticism are welcomed.
  2. A Breakout“Teddy Bear Hotline – please state the nature of your crisis.”This is the Teddy Bear Factory, where the best Teddy Bears in the galaxy are built. Customized with the latest charm and technology, no matter where it takes them.When 500 wretched villains strike, the galaxy’s most powerful force against evil is ready.Teddy Bear factory – we build Teddy Bears!* * *A malicious toy dinosaur turned from the dull confines of his cell to view what was a sadly common sight – Fuzzball and Rockerz leading another miscreant into storage. Mockery sounded from all directions, including the dolls and Makuta Teridax on the first floor.“Please don’t do this” whined the cuffed teddy. She was of a tasteful shade of black, and her fur was studded with miniature lightening bolts.“Nah, I’m afraid the ride’s over for you, Voltix” said Fuzzball, whose fur was more of a crimson persuasion. He shoved the bear into the cell, laser lines springing up behind her.Rockerz turned to Fuzzball as the crane loaded Voltix’s cell into place. “That black orb staff thing – maybe we should put that thing in a more secure place. It gives me the creeps.”Voltix laughed, a sharp, shrill affair. “It gives me hope, so I can stand on mountains. It gives me hope, to fight another day…” Mesmerized by her musical lit, the boys didn’t notice the black energy leaking out of Voltix’s cell until it was too late.Fuzzball smiled. “Cool! A dimensional portal!” Red lasers blinked out, and various villains leaped to the floor, headed for the column of lightening.Snuggles appeared behind them. “What happened?”“Breakout. All the prisoners are escaping!”“What do we do? There’s too many of them!”Furno slapped Eggplant on the back. “We’re Teddy Bears. That means we stop them.”So Eggplant, Fuzzball, Rockerz, and Snuggles made a number of failed attempts to control the breakout. Snuggles found himself in front of a toy shark, who was making concerted attempts to bite his head off. “notgoodnotgoodnotgoodnotgood.”Eggplant meanwhile headed straight for the dimensional vortex, only to be yanked out by Snuggles, sending the shark crashing into the rift. “You’re not ready for that. What do you think you’re doing?”And just like that, all the Teddy Bears backed up. “So sorry for the damage” crooned Voltix. “Send us a bill.” And with that, she leaped into the swirl and was gone.* * *Zebra stood up in front of the assembled teddies. “This is the greatest challenge the Teddy Bear factory has ever faced. All the villains in our custody have escaped!”Skinny, a blue-tinged bear in the back chuckled quietly. “It’s not as bad as Makuta Teridax.”String Cheese punched him. “Makuta Teridax escaped, you dimwit.”“Fortunately,” continued Zebra, “we insert chips in villain processing, so tracking them won’t be a problem.”Fuzzball nodded. “Follow your nose – the potato chip scent is hard to miss.”“But due to the large number of villains that escaped, we are sending you on individual missions to capture each one of them.”Skinny yawned.“We have new Teddy Cuffs!” announced Zebra, holding one up one with his mouth.“Why bother – the old ones worked just fine” said Snuggles.“These cuffs can be attached or thrown, and will lock on-““Enough!” said Snuggles, snatching up the new cuffs. “I’m going after the shark thing.”Zebra snorted. “I’ve already assigned him to Fuzzball.”“Well, you do a good job, kid” said Snuggles, handing him the handcuffs. “It’s what I trained you for.”Fuzzball waved him off. “Even you know that handcuffs don’t work on sharks.”* * *Snuggles pedaled as fast as he could after his green faced adversary. His tricycle squeaked as he rounded a bend and viewed his opponent on a similar vehicle.A schematic popped up. “I have a reading on Speeda Clown. He seems to be headed to the planetary navigation beacon.”Zebra, on the other end of the com, snorted. “If he gets there, incoming ships won’t know where to go, and he’ll be able to broadcast his face in a blink of an eye.”“Not on my paws” said Snuggles. He frantically pedaled after the speeding clown, activating a pair of devices on the back of the tricycle. Snowballs pelted the being, despite his best efforts to avoid them. After awhile though, the machines ran out of ammo and fell to the ground.“You thought those little machines would beat me?” snarled the clown, amidst his evil clown laugh.“No, but they did slow you down so I could get ahead” said Snuggles.* * *“Why didn’t you launch?” demanded Zebra, standing two feet away from Rockerz.“Mr. Makubear said to stay behind.” said Rockerz, earphones plugged into the back of his electric guitar. “Security reasons.”* * *Meanwhile, a small black spider descended into the prison on a thin web. Above it was a floating being of darkness, indistinctly shaped but nonetheless connected to the spider – it moved along with it across the broken storage unit.* * *Eggplant called in. “I’m in a bit of a sticky situation…having trouble dealing with this…snake…” His voice was strained, and it was clear through the video com link that his fur was stuck together. A spider appeared above the status screen, shoving and nipping Zebra. “Urgh, I hate spiders.” He backed away, nervous. Numerous spiders hearded Zebra and his lieutenants into the center of the floor, putting them in a forcefield.* * *Rockerz wandered away, going down to the empty villain storage unit. The large space, in his mind, would make a great concert hall – a place where he could imagine his audience…But then the door slammed behind him. The controls to open it again didn’t work. He flipped on the com panel. “Hey Zeb, what’s up?”“Why would I tell you?” snarled Zebra. “You spend too much time with the guitar to care.”Rockerz looked around. There was an opening, a way out, but it was high above his head. He needed rope. He didn’t have one. Except…Rockerz looked down at his guitar. Well, a bears gotta do what a bear’s gotta do…* * *Fuzzball dived the best he could, trying to stay out of reach of those powerful jaws. “Help” he whined as his aqua-jet pack slammed him into the seafloor.“You don’t understand why I can here.” roared the shark. “I came to make sure that no teddy bear would be able to stand against me.”“You succeeded” said Fuzzball. “Now stop chasing me.”The world disappeared in a shower of red splotches.“Furr-o-lineum!” crowed Fuzzball’s opponent. “Instantly removes – Hey!”The teddy bear had the shark in an iron grip around its middle, his pack and his legs pushing them to the surface. “Thanks for the help, buddy – now you won’t slip out of my bear hug.”* * *Skinny snorted. The monster he had been sent to capture was arguing with itself. He took advantage of the distraction to fire the computer-cuffs at the beast, only to watch them connect. “Those computers nowdays always take the fun out of things” he said as he grabbed the incoherent babbling mess and yanked him back to the custody of the satellite. Bored, he spilt an asteroid in half on the way back.* * *String Cheese was having his own problems, mostly that he could barely see. “Vooltiix, where arrre yoooou?” he said. The response was an explosion of pain as his body crackled with electricity.“This is an insult of the highest order” she said. “They thought a rookie like you could defeat me?” She let up on her electrical attack, slinking away.“All around the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush” babbled String Cheese, running around in circles. Voltix spun around, trying to zap him, only to find herself gradually surrounded by an ever-frightening mummification of string cheese.String Cheese smiled. “Well, that about wraps this thing up.”* * *Eggplant could not move. He could barely see, as the giant snake bent toward him with a hiss. His fingertip was as…slow…as…molasses…coming down on the trigger…BLAM.The snake screamed writhing away in pain at the energy weapon.“Hey Eggplant – need some help?” Skinny swooped in, placing his foot on top of the snake’s head to keep it there.“This…wasn’t…the rules…of the game.” strained out Eggplant.Skinny turned and slapped the catch on the snake’s holding container. “This isn’t a game, buddy. This is real life.” He grabbed his friend, pulling him along toward an interplanetary craft. “Let’s hope they don’t have to shave that green off. It’s a new fashion, I hear.”* * *Rockerz walked casually up the stairs, chewing on licorice as he went. He had managed to fix his guitar and was tuning it lazily. That is, until a bunch of spiders ran down the stairs, knocking him over. Struggling, Rockerz knocked off a few of them with his musical instrument and resumed his casual jaunt up the stairs, ignoring the spiders that nipped at his heels. Playing a soft lullaby, he entered Mr. Makubear’s quarters. The view from here was impressive. A new song was definitely on order here, just to capture the essence.A red light blinked on the corner of his vision – a slight disruption in the assembly tower mechanisms, nothing to worry about.* * *“Well, all I really had to do was cuff him after that” explained Snuggles. “I did chuck a snowball at him again, though, just for fun.”String Cheese smiled at that. “I had to engage in a tug-of-war with Intergalactic Towing Services. My Teddy Bear Pod was illegally parked.”“Has anyone seen Rockerz?”* * *“What are you doing here?” said Rockerz, looking up at the black void drifting amoung the collections of wires in the assembly tower. Energy crackled, feeding into the black cloud.“I am Black Phantom, and I will steal power from this wretched Teddy Bear factory!”“You must be pretty desperate. Do you like music? It might sooth your nerves.”“Music? What is music?Rocka smiled and began to play. As he did, the black apparition began to drift downwards toward the beautiful sound, leaving the power conduits and his power grab behind.“Get away from there!” Snuggles said, heading after Rockerz.“No” said Eggplant, crashing into Snuggles. “Let him play.”“Look” said Fuzzball, pointing to the Phantom. “He’s dancing.”* * *Zebra looked at the computer files. “Mr. Makubear, this file has been sent to an unknown location.”“Probably just another glitch.” said Mr. Makubear. “We have been having a lot of those lately. It certainly isn’t part of a larger plan or anything like that.”* * *Makuta Teridax turned away from the computer screen. “Look, here’s the plan. We use the information that our operative stole, and build our own factory to create evil villains, which we then use to besiege the Teddy Bear Factory and lure Teddy Bears away from the Factory, allowing us to take control of said Factory and rule the entire galaxy.”Von Nebula shook his head. “I am so bored.”The End
  3. The Universe is a RiddleI’m falling in some kind of huge cavern... not the brightest idea I’ve ever had. Now what? What the heck are you supposed to do when you’re falling to your death with the Mask of Life?Put on the mask.“Huh- who’s there?! Show yourself! I demand it!”Matoro cursed under his breath, looking around for the voice in his head, but there was no figure to match it to.“I just heard a voice, I swear. Or did I just think I did? Maybe I’m going crazy. After all, I’m sure falling to your death after somehow managing to outpace an entire island would do weird stuff to your brain.” Matoro told himself. “Does it mean the Mask of Life? Why would I put that thing on? It hasn’t helped me much so far.”The Toa Mahri of Ice shrugged to himself and removed his own mask, replacing it with the Ignika.“Whoa, wait a minute! Too much knowledge! Too much! I don’t want this much! Stop it! I don’t want to learn your history, you stupid mask! Give me my old Kanohi back! Where is it? I can’t see! Why can’t I see?! Wait a minute...”“Nope. I’m not doing that. I know how I’m supposed to use you now, and I’m not doing it. I’m not doing that! Good grief.”Use the mask.“Okay, that isn’t even in the script! Stop it!” Matoro snapped.Use the mask.“You know, Turaga Nuju once said that the universe is a riddle. At least, I think that’s what he said, because he was speaking in those weird bird whistles at the time. Say, I wonder how Turaga Nuju is doing now. I kinda forgot about him... oh well, I’m sure he’s doing fine. Nobody ever listened to what he said anyway.”USE THE MASK.“No, I refuse! Anyway, he said the universe was a riddle. And today, I will be the answer. I will show everyone that I am not afraid to do what’s best for me, and only me! I will survive! Take that, suckers!”What about your friends?“What, the other Toa Mahri? I’m sure they’ll be fine!”Meanwhile, Surrounded by the Barraki:“Oh no!” Hahli cried.“What is it?” Nuparu asked, kicking Kalmah away.“Look!” Hahli pointed. “Jaller’s going nova! And if he does, he’ll kill us all!”“I have to!” Jaller called. “They’ll kill us and Matoro anyway!”“Oh no you don’t, Toa!” Pridak screeched, leaping forward. “Ow, you son of an eel! That burns!”“He’s going nova, what did you expect?” Nuparu asked.Pridak didn’t have to answer as Kalmah wrapped a tentacle around Nuparu’s neck, yanking him away and spinning him into the jaws of a rather large Takea Shark.“Nuparu!” Hahli called. “Don’t worry! We’ll save you... maybe.”“And by maybe we mean not at all.” Kongu grunted from beside her. “That lame guy deserves it, refusing to hand me the Mask of Flight like that.”“Kongu!”“What?!”Back with Matoro:“Yes, they are definitely one hundred percent a-okay.” Matoro affirmed.Fine... I will force you to use my power.“Wait, what?! What the heck?! My body! It’s changing- turning into... energy?! Why?! How are you even doing this?! Make it stop! Make it stop! I’m too young to die again!”You must die so that your energies can combine with mine to save Mata-Nui.“This doesn’t make sense! Turn yourself into a Toa and do it! I don’t want to!” Matoro wailed. “Already I can barely remember what it felt like to be in battle- or to be lonely- or to feel joy or pain or sadness! Why is this happening?!”You’re going beyond that now.“I don’t want to go beyond it! The beyond sucks! How do I know if there will be an afterlife?!” Matoro continued. “But... I can still remember my friends. Looks like they’re doomed, actually. Haha, Nuparu just got carried away by a Takea Shark! Hey, look- there goes Hewkii! Nicely done Takadox, I must say. Oh, and there goes Takadox and Kalmah, both downed by Kongu. Ouch.”Do you wish to save them?“I dunno. Not really much I can do, is there?”You can use my power.“But I am no longer an ordinary Toa of Ice! I am the Mask of Life and it is me! Wait... nah, I’ll keep going. Thus, I shall use its powers to....”To what?“Hold on, I’m trying to decide.”How about save your friends? You could send them back to Metru-Nui.“Actually, I think I’ll use it to freeze Jaller into an ice cube. Just so that he can be reminded one last time that I was a far better person than he ever could hope to be.”Yeah, because dooming the entire universe makes you such a nice person.“Shut up, mask. Do it! Freeze him up!”It is done.“Yes! All will be made right! All will be as it is meant to be!”Meanwhile, surrounded by Barraki:Jaller suddenly found himself frozen within a giant ice cube, his nova powers completely diffused.“What the... who did this?!” he shouted, his voice extremely muffled. “Wait a minute... MATOROOOO!”Back with Matoro:Are you absolutely certain you won’t send them back to Metru-Nui?“Fine, for the love of Mata-Nui, send them to Metru-Nui already!”Even though it’s almost too late- Nuparu is missing, the Takea Shark is too far away.“Nuparu sucks. The rest can go.”It has been done, and they are now home.“Wonderful. And now to exhaust your energies by keeping myself alive!”What? No!“Yes!”In his last moments, Matoro knows no fear.“Yes I do!”He knows he has succeeded... sort of. The Toa are safe, able to mostly resume their lives in Metru-Nui. The Turaga and Matoran will know that some of them became true heroes. Matoro does not see himself as a hero.“I do so, thank you very much!”As a Matoran, a Toa Inika, and a Toa Mahri, all he ever tried to do was his duty.“Yeah, and look where that got me! Stuck falling to my death, with a useless mask in my hands!”Now that duty has led him to his desti-“Take that, you lousy mask! Ripped you right off of my face! It frickin’ hurts, too! Geez, what do you attach with, medical needles? Oh well, I have my body back! Woohoo! And now I’ll survive!”“Hey, what’s that shadow? Is that- oh no, that’s not water! That’s dry land! How is this even possible?! No! No! Stop! Mask! Help! Somebody!”SPLAT.“And good riddance too, I say!” the Kanohi Ignika scolded as it bounced away. “That’s what you get! I did try to save you all, but no, you just had to go and die on everybody! And now I’m gonna be stuck sitting in this filthy swamp for all of eternity!”
  4. Hello, Comedies readers! What you are about to read is my entry for the Library Summer Olympics 2012, which is based on one of my more recent epics, Dimension Hoppers. It is essentially a parody of the story, written from the point of view of Isarot, one of the main characters from DiH. Some things are changed, but that's to be expected for a parody.Anyway, without further ado, here is the story itself:Dimension Cookies“Isarot . . . Isarot, wake up . . . Come on, Isarot . . .”I awoke, even though I didn’t really want to. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I looked to my left and saw my annoying friend, Toa Kiriah, Toa of Psionics, standing there. It looked like she’d been shaking me, which perhaps explained why I had been dreaming about sleeping on a rocking boat before she woke me up.“What is it now, Kiriah?” I asked, pulling my soft, linen blanky up to my chin. “Did your shadow scare you again?”Kiriah scowled at me. “Of course not. And that wasn’t my shadow last time, either. It was a Makuta that shapeshifted to look like my shadow.”Of course it was, I thought, but I was polite enough not to say anything.Instead, I pulled my blanky over my head and was about to go back to sleep when Kiriah shook me again, except harder this time.“Kiriah,” I said, without taking my head out from under my blanky, “if it’s not your shadow, there’s really no reason to bother me.”“But this is important,” Kiriah insisted. “Someone is raiding the cookie jar. We need to stop him.”I sat up immediately, my blanky falling off me as I looked into Kiriah’s eyes with such intensity that she had to look away.“The cookie jar?” I repeated incredulously. “Why didn’t you say so earlier?”Kiriah folded her hands behind her back and didn’t look up at me. “Well, I, er, didn’t really want you to overreact-““Kiri,” I said, leaning in and invading her personal space, “don’t ever accuse me of overreacting at the suggestion that someone is raiding the cookie jar. This is serious business.”Kiriah leaned back, while I ignored her as I jumped out of bed and tore off my Pikachu pajamas. I grabbed my tomahawk off the wall, but when I thought about it, I realized that a tomahawk wasn’t good enough for a cookie thief.So I tossed it out the window and grabbed the gigantic axe hanging on the wall next to it. The blade was stained with a red liquid, which I forget if it was the blood of my enemies or just ketchup. Either way, it would inspire terror in the heart of the cookie thief. If it didn’t, then I could just behead him.I turned to Kiriah, who was staring at my axe. “What?”“Oh, nothing,” said Kiriah, shaking her head. “I just wonder if, well, that’s necessary.”“It’s completely necessary,” I insisted. “You can never go wrong with weapons bigger than your whole body.”“Whatever,” said Kiriah, shrugging. “It’s just . . . oh, never mind. I’ll just shut up now.”“Good,” I said, lifting my axe into the air. “Talk is cheap. Now let’s go stop that cookie thief.”-The trip to the kitchen seemed to take forever, even though it was just down the hall. Kiriah was constantly hurrying me, but I ignored her. Walking slowly would make me look that much more epic when I entered the kitchen. Still, I will admit that I did walk a little faster because I cared more about the cookie jar than looking epic.When we entered the kitchen about ten minutes later, I spotted a Toa in black robes standing next to the kitchen counter, cookie jar in hand. I figured that cloak must have been hot and impractical to move in, but I also knew that the Toa knew that and was wearing it to distract us from his eating our cookies. It didn’t work.“Isarot, Kiriah,” said the Toa as he picked up another delicious cookie and stuffed it into his evil mouth. “Mfff mfff mfff?”Kiriah blinked. “Say what?”The Toa swallowed his cookie and said, “I said, have you come to stop me?”“Yes!” I said, pointing my axe at the cookie thief. “Tell me, cookie thief, what is your name?”The Toa pulled down his hood, revealing a Mask of Charisma and a mouth stained with chocolate chips and cookie crumbs.“I am Toa Darranas,” said the cookie thief, licking his lips in an annoyingly evil way. “And there is nothing you can do to stop my ultimate plan.”“Oh, yeah?” I said. “What is your ultimate plan?”“It’s very simple,” said Darranas, holding the cookie jar up. “You see, I will eat all of your cookies and . . . and then . . .”Darranas trailed off, as though he wasn’t sure what to say next.“And then laugh at us?” I finished for him.“Uh, yeah,” said Darranas quickly, nodding. “And laugh at you, which I will proceed to-”I cut the kitchen table in half with my axe and said to Darranas, “Eat one more cookie and I will eat your face.”Darranas put the cookie jar down and held up his hands. “Hey, Isarot, no need to be so cranky. We can be friends, can’t we?”His words sounded reasonable, but I was able to easily see right through his smooth talking. Darranas may have had a Mask of Charisma, but fortunately I was able to disregard his friendly words and got right to the point. No one could fool me.“Yeah, I guess you’ve got a point,” I said, lowering my axe. “I mean, they are just cookies. Eating your face as punishment does seem rather harsh.”“Um, Isarot?” said Kiriah. “Why are you acting so friendly to Darranas all of a sudden?”Before I could answer, Darranas reached for the cookie jar and said, “Now that we’re all best friends, I suppose you won’t mind if I help myself to a few cookies.”I watched as Darranas picked up not one, but two cookies out of the jar. He then raised the cookies up to his mouth and started chomping on them. Crumbs and chocolate chips fell to the floor as he ate more and more cookies with as much greed as a Nui Rama in a bula berry patch.My mind told me something wasn’t right here, but I didn’t know what it was until Kiriah shouted, “Isarot, Darranas is eating the cookies! Snap out of it!”Everything became clearer all of a sudden. I shook my head and looked at my axe, which I’d nearly dropped. Then I looked back up at Darranas, who was still eating the cookies like he owned them, the fiend. He was smiling like a child who thinks he’s gotten away with mischief, but I, the parent, was about to teach him a lesson he’d never forget.With the roar of a rock lion, I dashed at Darranas and swung my axe at him. I was too quick for him, smashing the flat of my blade directly into the side of his face. The cookie thief hit the counter as he fell to the floor . . . and, to my horror, dropping the cookie jar as he did so.Even I couldn’t get the cookie jar, which fell to the ground in slow motion. I reached for it, but it was all in vain. I could only watch as it fell closer and closer to the ground, anticipating the inevitable terrible crash. In my mind’s eye, I saw the shattered jar scattered all over the floor and the cookies nothing but crumbs that we’d have to sweep up and toss away.Abruptly and miraculously, however, the cookie jar stopped an inch above the ground. Then the cookie jar floated back up and sat itself back on the counter, well away from the edge.At that moment, I was convinced that Mata Nui himself must have intervened. How else could this miraculous event be explained? Mata Nui loves cookies, after all, so it only made sense that he would have saved the jar like that.Kiriah walked over to me and said, “That was a close one, wasn’t it?”“Yes,” I said, nodding. “Good thing Mata Nui intervened at the last minute, right?““Actually, it was me,” said Kiriah, pointing at herself. “Remember? Toa of Psionics? I used my telekinesis to catch it just in the nick of time.”“Oh,” I said. “Well, I knew that. I was just testing you, as I always do, you know.”Kiriah nodded, obviously fooled by my clever lie. “Right. I’m sure you were. So what do we do about Darranas?”I looked at the cookie thief, who was still lying on the ground with a big bump on his head. I kicked him in the side, eliciting a satisfying groan from him. I then kicked him again for good measure.“He’s going to cookie thief prison,” I said, looking back up at Kiriah. “It’s only justice.”“Right,” said Kiriah, scratching her head. “Does cookie thief prison even exist?”“If there’s a Great Spirit in this world, yes,” I said. “Now, why don’t we celebrate by eating cookies?”So Kiriah and I each took cookie from the cookie jar and ate and laughed at Darranas, who was now curled up in the fetal position like the ugly worm he was. I also kicked him a few more times and then, after we finished our short party, we shipped him off to cookie thief prison (which does in fact exist, by the way).That night, as I lay in my bed, I thought about how tasty those cookies were. I’d locked them in the cupboard to prevent future cookie thieves from getting to them, but who knows when the next cookie thief will strike?I resolved in the morning to get a guard energy hound to protect the cookies for extra security. I also resolved to get more homemade cookies from Granny Kolora tomorrow because Darranas ate way too many and the jar was now nearly empty.So I closed my eyes and dozed off immediately, secure in the knowledge that I had managed to avert a major crisis tonight. Had I not acted . . . I didn’t even want to think about it.Comments, criticisms, cookies ( ), etc. are all welcome .-TNTOS-
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