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  1. Chapter 1- Prologue: The Legend Begins (Part 1) (On a sunny, tropical island, in the middle of a sparkling sea, is a man lying on a beach chair. He is wearing nothing but a bathing suit, sunglasses, an ascot, and a beret; next to him are a discarded pair of jodhpurs, a vest, riding boots, and a megaphone. He takes a sip from a coconut with a tiny pink umbrella poking out of it. A noise just beyond the palm trees catches his attention. He puts a hand to his brow to examine the source of the noise.) Director: What on Earth...? (A helicopter flies over the island and a bald man in a white suit slides down a rope ladder, landing next to the Director. The man flicks the Director a business card that reads: President Lego.) Director: Hey pal, this is private property -- President Lego: No time for that! The people need the Director! Director: Don't call me that. I'm not a director anymore. I haven't directed a movie since 2009. President Lego: So what do I call you, then? Just "The"? Director: I... look, what do you want? President Lego: Well, The, we need your help. You see, we're making this Bionicle Netflix series and -- Director: Stop right there, I've already got the inside scoop. Your little Bionicle revival isn't even going to make it to two years. Why should I even waste my time with this sort of thing? President Lego: *grabs the Director by the ascot and pulls him up to his face* BECAUSE IT'S TIME WORTH WASTING! Real life is scary and boring! We can give people the chance to imagine something better! A world where good triumphs over evil, where the strong protect the weak, and where you can do anything you want if you try hard enough! Yeah, we aren't making any more Bionicle after this for a long time, but Bionicle will always be alive as long as there are fans who remember it! Do you think people gave up when they stopped making Avatar or Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings or decent Star Wars movies or any other fantasy series that's over now? A story only dies when people stop telling it. If this reboot taught us anything, it's that Bionicle isn't dead forever. It will be back someday, and we can live the legend all over again. Until then, why not have some fun with it? Director: President Lego: Look, The, the point is, we can give the fans one last adventure in the world of magic rainbow robots. Isn't that worth it, no matter the cost? (The Director stares off into the distance as images of his interactions with the brain-dead cast members of the previous films flash before his eyes.) Director: Alright, I'll do it. On one condition. (Meanwhile, at Harvard University...) Dr. Takua, PhD: Now class, I've got a special guest today. Associate Professor Vakama has come today to talk about the benefits of apple pie compared to -- Vakama: Hold up, is that an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile heading right for us? Gandhi! Why? I thought we were friends!!! (Back on the island...) Director: Great, now that they're dead forever, let's make a movie -- erm... Netflix Original Series! President Lego: Where did you get a nuke?????? Director: Places, people! Quiet on the set! Lights, camera -- President Lego: All those innocent people! You just -- Director: Aaaaaaaaaand ACTION! (Six comets fly through space towards the island of Okoto.) Okoto: Gandhi! Why? I thought we were friends! Narrator: In a distant world's time of need, an ancient prophecy summoned the Toa. Six legendary heroes, each powered by the energy of the island's elephants. (As the Narrator introduces each Toa, they appear on screen.) Narrator: Tahu, Toa of Wire. Kopaka, Toa of Mice. Pohatu, Toa of Phone. Gali, Toa of Slaughter. Onua, Toa of Birthday. Lewa, Toa of the Jungle. Director: Stop, stop. What are you doing? None of those are right! Lewa: Well, actually in this continuity -- Director: Shut up, yours is the most wrong! What kind of Toa powers are those anyway? Onua: *with a mouthful of cake* I don't know, man. These powers are pretty great. Kopaka: Speak for yourself! I just tried to make a bridge using my powers... that did not go well... PETA: Kopaka: Uh... I've gotta go! (In the City of the Mask Makers, Narmoto and a group of young Okotans gather around a campfire.) Narmoto: Much has happened, I know. After so many thousands of years, your families have returned to rebuild the Mask Makers' City. Jungle Okotan: Wait, isn't it "the City of the Mask Makers"? Narmoto: Are you a Protector? Do you have a magic Gatling gun mounted on your shoulder? I didn't think so. I'll call it whatever I darn well please. You know, just because of that, I'm renaming this place the City of Jungletribesucks! You got any more smart remarks?! Jungle Okotan: No, sir... Narmoto: Now where was I? Oh yeah. It must seem strange. You have only known the Region of the Jungle. And you, the regions of Stone and Ice and Water. Jungle Okotan: Actually, it's just called "the Region of Jungle". Narmoto: Well now it's called the Region of Losers! Jungle Okotan: Narmoto: But we are Okotans, and once this was the centre of our world. And now we have returned. Earth Okotan: What are you talking about? Surely Capital City would've been the centre of the world. Narmoto: WELL THE CENTRE OF THE WORLD SURE WASN'T THE REGION OF EARTH, I MEAN THE REGION OF BUTTS. Jungle Okotan: Region of Butts. Earth Okotan: Shut up, Loser Tribe. Narmoto: I'm sure you have questions, but wait. First let me tell you how we came to return to our city. And give you a taste of what may lay ahead. Fire Okotan: I think you mean, "what may lie ahead". Easy mistake to make, they're very similar verbs. You see "to lie" can refer to -- Narmoto: GUESS WHO'S LIVING IN THE REGION OF IDIOTS NOW?! Jungle Okotan: Uh... you? Narmoto: Wait, what? DANG IT! Director: Hold up, we can say "idiots" now? I am so glad I came back to do this. Now shut up, you idiots, and let the man tell his story. Narmoto: Sit. (Everyone sits.) Narmoto: Ha, Simon didn't say! I am so good at this game! Ice Okotan: You know, we could just leave. Narmoto: Okay, fine. I'll tell the story. Sheesh. Once, this was a beautiful city. And I like to think it will be again. But that will depend on more than your parents. Stone Okotan: Will it depend on sufficient tax revenue to fund extensive public works and infrastructure upkeep programs? Narmoto: Um... sure. It will also depend on six heroes from another time and place! Water Okotan: The Avengers? Narmoto: No. Jungle Okotan: The students in Harry Potter's rescue mission to save Sirius Black from the Ministry? Narmoto: No, stop. This isn't a guessing game. Earth Okotan: Team Avatar, including Zuko and Suki? Narmoto: No, it -- Stone Okotan: Twilight Sparkle and her friends? Narmoto: Look, you -- Ice Okotan: The Toa Metru? Narmoto: NO! JUST THE REGULAR TOA!!! And it will depend on if they can harness the elephants that give our planet life. You know them from the regions where you live. Fire, Water, Jungle, Earth, Stone, and Ice. Water Okotan: You forgot Light, Shadow, Psionics, Plasma, Gravity -- Narmoto: Get out. Water Okotan: Narmoto: For you, they are just corners of our island, but to the Toa, they are lifeblood. Ice Okotan: Hold on, blood is canon now? I'm offended by this. Also if we have parents, where do baby Okotans come from? I'm expecting to be offended by this too. Narmoto: I'm ignoring you. But before there was trouble, there was peace. And maybe that's where we should begin. More than a thousand years ago -- Stone Okotan: So like 1001 years ago? Narmoto: I'm ignoring all of you now. More than a thousand years ago, this was a peaceful and vibrant place. Our island's two protectors, Ekimu and his brother, Makuta, harnessed the power of the elephants and forged them into masks. Water Okotan: Weren't there multiple Protectors during this time? I think it's a bit misleading to -- Narmoto: Oh hey, how's life in the Dung Tribe? Ice Okotan: I thought you were ignoring us? Narmoto: Shut up, Ugly Tribe! Ice Okotan: And now I'm offended again. Narmoto: But Makuta grew jealous of his brother and hungry for the power. So -- Fire Okotan: SO HE CAST A SPELL ON MATA NUI WHO FELL INTO A DEEP SLUMBER! Narmoto: No. Not that. So unbeknownst to his brother, Ekimu, the jealous Makuta broke a sacred law, and jaywalked... to his mask forge where he created a mask that combined the power of all the elephants. He called it the Mask of Ultimate Power. Makuta: And yet, it's still not as dumb as the Mask of Possibilities. Narmoto: But as the power of the mask surged through Makuta, he became dark and evil. Knowing he had to act quickly, Ekimu took the sacred hammer and knocked the mask from the face of his brother. (As Narmoto narrates, these events appear on screen.) Ekimu: STOP, MAKUTA! Makuta: What? Oh no, please don't say it. Ekimu: HAMMER TIME! Makuta: Stupid 90s kids... Narmoto: Ekimu saved Okoto, but the cost was great. Like at least ten whole dollars! Both Ekimu and Makuta were plunged into endless sleep. (The Ancient Protectors are closing Ekimu away in his tomb.) Ekimu: Wait, didn't you hear the narration? I'm asleep, not dead! I'm gonna need food! And air! Wait, why are there no air holes in this! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!?!?!? Mamuk: Aw, he looks so peaceful. I wonder what he's dreaming about? Ekimu: I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR DESCENDANTS!!!!! Narmoto: Our ancestors lay Ekimu to rest -- Fire Okotan: See, that's how you use the verb correctly. Narmoto: Stop. The masks, too powerful to be trusted to mortals, were hidden away forever... in the world's most obvious temples. And after Ekimu was sealed into a secret tomb -- once again, put in like the most conspicuous location on the island -- the City of Jungletribesucks was abandoned. Although Makuta lay buried deep beneath our island, his spirit remained powerful. He summoned dark forces to find his Mask and awaken him. Stone Okotan: All while he was asleep? That's... that's not how sleep works. Are you just making this up? Merlin P. Mann: Aha, but, it's a magical sleep, you see. Stone Okotan: Oh really? And what do you know about magic? Merlin P. Mann: Well... Narmoto: If Makuta's minions managed to awaken him, our island would be plunged into darkness. So we, the Protectors, gathered and performed an ancient rite. (In the Temple of Time...) Kivoda: This isn't working. Korgot: Obviously not. You can't summon a whole bunch of Toa in one turn. That's against the rules! Izotor: What if we travelled across the island, fighting Rahi and collecting Toa Stones -- Kivoda: Look, let's just order them off of the Lego Store like everybody else. We'll probably even get free shipping. Izotor: Fiiiiiiine. Narmoto: Their legend was carved into the walls of our temples, and their names were kept alive in our rituals. These were the Toa. And it would be up to them to save Okoto. Director: Okay, seriously, why was everyone talking about elephants earlier? ---- Okay, I think we'll wrap things up there. I've done the math and in the previous movies, a chapter would run about 4-6 minutes. This so far is about 5 minutes in, so I think that's a pretty good place to stop. Basically, I'll try to post a new chapter every week or so, breaking down the episodes into 2-3 parts each depending on how things flow. See also: The Newest MoL Spoof The First LoMN Spoof The Greatest WoS Spoof The Awesomest TLR Spoof
  2. I can´t help myself i need to do this remake of viral Donald Trump speech in Pensacola. I have use two motors for remote control of mouth speaking and head moving. Enjoy [link removed]
  3. TEXTERMINATION A TALE OF A WAR FOR DELICIOUS FOODS AND HOT SAUCE Let's begin. Entry two-1-IV-9000-3. Karz, it had been too long to remember. All I know is the basics. But i'll say them anyway. A long while ago, a group called the peuce ones took over the steak industry. That meant they now head the hot sauce complex and anything else BBQ. Which is all Karzahni for us Matoran. Not only that, but our resistance force was pummeled by a group of three called "The delusional quadruplets". They have killed many of our men, and it was a messy job as you can imagine. Heck, those skewers weren't even clean. But that's not the worst of it. Several Vahki have destroyed the main energy spiral holding up our base, so that means it's only a matter of time before Peuce -4 and his assasins attack and kill us all. But we won't go down without a fight. Today might be the day, so this is my last entry. Goodbye. Signed, Vol-Tex. Vol-Tex finished his entry and turned around to see Burnribs waiting for him. "We have got to be off. The blockade is coming down, and we've got to piece it back together. Well, come on!" Vol-Tex grabbed his weapons and headed out. Soon, they reached the bottom of the Big Base Quarters, or B.B.Q. Vol-Tex hopped down and then noticed something disturbingly odd. No one was there. No corpses, no blood, just the scent of steaks in the air. Suddenly, an unknown figure shot a blast of purified and intensified hot sauce at Burnribs. It ate through his hips, his linbs, and with one final burp, it had eaten through all of him. "No... Not Burnribs!" Vol-Tex crawled over to the spot where Burnribs had been. The figure stepped out from the shadows, revealing himself to be none other than... "Sunlight." Vol-Tex said with disgust, right before Sunlight knocked the wind out of him. He raised his hot sauce launcher, when suddenly a blast hit in the back. He staggered and moaned, and fell to ground, curled into a ball and whimpering. Vol-Tex was suddenly raised off of the ground by Consumo, the world's best steak eater. "Come on! they're storming the base!" Vahki were everywhere, shooting at the wimpy toothpick supports. With their beef bazookas, Vol-Tex and Consumo kept them at bay(I guess) until Vol-Tex suddenly dropped his bazooka. "Oops...?" He hadn't done it by himself, for suddenly a sniper bullet dove through the head of Consumo, chucking him down the baseside. Vol-Tex whirled around to face Peuce -4. "It's over, Tex." Said Peuce -4, eyes burning with hatred. "We will win this war... And what will you do about it?" He tossed the now ammo-less sniper rifle aside and pulled out his two rib swords. Vol-tex barely had enough time to pull out his Prime cut-lass before Peuce attacked him. They clashed until Peuce was disarmed. Voltex tangled with the steakmaster until he had him on the ground. He drew his T-bone sai., and slammed it into Peuce -4's chest. "NO. NEVER!" said peuce as he instructed the last remaining Vahki to tap the base. With a touch lighter than a fruit fly, the entire thing immediately collapsed with Peuce -4 and Vol-Tex in the remains, dead. As the crowds gathered around his corpse, Consumo (who had survived just fine somehow) placed a memorial stone, saying "Vol-Tex, savior of the Barbeque foods and a real hero... I guess." This has been officially approved by Voltex. THE END.
  4. This is the topic for my planned comic series, "Bite Sized Doom." Bite Sized Doom is about Pohatu and five original characters: a Toa of Ice called Pavaak (my personal avatar, shockingly), a Toa of Shadow named Albuxx, a Toa of Fire named Izalk, a Toa of Water named Katura, and a Toa of Jungle named Tohoko. They are fighting an original villain called Delta, who can mutate his enemies. It's going to take place in my own version of the reboot, where there are a few differences: the existence of Toa of Shadow, the existence of Delta, and there being more Toa than the original 6. It's going to be primarily satirical.
  5. The year is 2009. Three and a half years have passed since the end of The Greatest WoS Spoof and much has changed. At the end of the last comedy, I had promised to spoof Lewa11's fan-made film BIONICLE: Quest of the Toa, a project I was heavily involved with. As we all know, that was definitely released and it was definitely the most amazing thing to exist. Meanwhile, in reality, I had also promised to work on a comic series. As it turned out, not long after I finished The Greatest WoS Spoof, my tech class started teaching Adobe Flash. Well, I decided to fiddle around with it at home and the rest is history. For a while, it seemed like that was the end of my time in the Comedies Forum. It's not easy to write a good comedy without a structured plot provided for you, such as the script of the movie, and there were other creative projects I wanted to pursue. Then The Legend Reborn was released. I had something else to write a comedy about! I even made a trailer for it. So did I still have the comedic touch after all those years? That will be for you to decide. Here we go, one last time. -SPIRIT Chapter 1- My Beginning (The scene opens onto the picturesque, tropical island of Mata Nui.) Turaga Vakama: Gathered friends, listen again to -- Director: OH COME ON! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU AREN'T EVEN IN THIS MOVIE! Vakama: But... I always start the movies. Director: Not any more, you don't. LEGO finally listened to me for once and fired all you morons! Vakama: But how will I feed my family? Director: Fine, you can stay here as a gopher. Vakama: A gopher? Hey, does that mean if I do all those ridiculous tasks from the LEGO Backlot game, I'll eventually be promoted to director? Director: No, it means that you "go fer" whatever I tell you and also it means that you have to -- Vakama: Ah, just like the good old days... Alright, carry on. (So, as I was saying, the scene opens onto the picturesque, tropical island of Mata Nui. A palm tree sways in the breeze... wait, didn't the Bohrok already clear the island? Why is there still a tree here?) Random Tahnok: *Quickly incinerates tree* What tree? (Right... anyway, the camera begins to zoom out to an aerial view of the island.) Mata Nui: It is said that all endings are merely beginnings waiting to be born. Vakama: Said by whom? Mata Nui: Me. I said it. Just now. Vakama: You win this round... Mata Nui: Right... My beginning was much the same. (Light begins glowing under the surface of the island. The island breaks up and the giant robotic body of Mata Nui emerges from the ocean.) Mata Nui: *Looks around the endless ocean of Aqua Magna* Aw, jeez. I wet the bed again. Vakama and the Director: Mata Nui: Once, I was a towering giant, ruler of my own universe, fearless, beholden to none, protector of my people. So yeah, drink your milk, kids. Oh, and speaking of "fearless", you really need to go to iTunes and check out Taylor Swift's Album Fearless. Seriously, that is some good country music. Director: (The camera zooms to inside Mata Nui's body, where several Matoran are operating machinery in a cylindrical structure with a beam of golden energy running through it.) Blue Tanma: I say, isn't it a spiffing day to not be trapped in strange, transparent red cylinders? Yellow Tanma: I'll say. In fact, I think that the only thing that could ruin this perfect day is that. Heck, the entire universe could be taken over by the Makuta and I'd still be having a good day. Blue Tanma: I’m with you on that. Hey, what do these buttons do anyway? Yellow Tanma: I think if you press them, it gives Mata Nui gas. Blue Tanma: Seriously? I totally have to try that! *He does so and a huge explosion can be heard in the distance.* That's just classic. Yellow Tanma: Oh wait, my bad, that actually causes a massive volcano to erupt that kills everyone in a 10 mio radius. Blue Tanma: Okay, if anyone asks, that happened on its own. Mata Nui: Until I was betrayed. (The light from Mata Nui's eyes and the golden beam of energy go out, to be replaced by red, representing Teridax's takeover of the robotic body.) Mata Nui: All that I had been, all that I had known was stolen from me by an ever-present evil. My power stripped away, my people enslaved... (The various working Matoran are all trapped, many inside strange, transparent red cylinders.) Yellow Tanma: Mata Nui: I was left powerless to save them. And yet, a part of me survived: my spirit. Makuta: Whoa, slow down there. Survived? I chose to fire you out of my body just to mess with everyone. Why do you have to lie to everyone like that? (The Ignika shoots out of Makuta's body and flies off into space.) Mata Nui: Captured and preserved inside a mask worn by a Toa warrior -- Makuta: Okay, let me just stop you again. Matoro wore that thing for like two seconds, so did that other guy on Jovan's team. To say that it was worn by a Toa is a pretty big stretch. What's with all the lying? I took over the world and even I don't lie as much as you have in the past minute! Mata Nui: Yeah, okay there, "brother". Makuta: You win this round... Mata Nui: Its name echoed my rebirth: the Mask of Life. Ignika: Or Phil... That's my real name, by the way. Mata Nui: Wait, why not Ignika? Ignika: Don't ask me! Everyone just calls me that! It's a pretty stupid name if you ask me. You know, it even says "My name is Phil" inside me, if you just put me on your face you can see it as plain as day. Vakama: Really? *He rushes to try on the mask, but the Director blocks him.* Director: Ordinarily I'd jump at a chance to have you tricked into sacrificing yourself to the ravenous hunger of a psychotic doomsday device, but I need you alive since you're the only person I've been able to find who's willing to be my gopher. Takua: Could I do it? Director: WHY ME?!?! Takua: So when I "go fer" things, does that include pie? Director: Takua: I'll take that as a "yes". *Walks off* (Meanwhile, Mata Nui, trapped inside the Ignika, floats through outer space.) Captain Picard: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Ignika -- Ignika: Phil! Picard: -- Its continuing mission: to explore strange, new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly -- Mata Nui: Hey, man. I finally got a big movie break after being on Star Trek. Don't ruin this for me. Picard: Ooo, a movie based on something out of a comic book. Really impressive. Mata Nui: Um... X-Men? Picard: You win this round... (The Ignika crash-lands onto the desert planet of Bara Magna, creating a massive crater.) Takua: Massive like your mom! Director: And you wonder why no one likes you...
  6. It's November 2005, and BZPower is in its heyday. 15 year old SPIRIT finishes off his trifecta of comedies with a vastly improved writing style. The jokes are original, the narrator gets a personality (which, admittedly, does go a little Douglas Adams at points), and there are even custom emoticons! Obviously, it's not perfect, but it's definitely an improvement from where things began. So sit back and relax, 'cause here we go again. -SPIRIT Chapter 1- Toa Resume Quest (The movie begins with a large close up of Makuta's red Protodermis cage.) Roodaka: Makuta... Director: What have you done?!?! The movie just started and you've messed it up already! Vakama always gets to say "Gathered friends, blah, blah, blah" first! ... GAH! I'm getting some coffee. (The Director pulls a mug out of his director's beret and walks over to the conveniently placed coffeemaker sticking out of the Great Barrier. Roodaka proceeds to scratch a piece of Protodermis off of Makuta's cage, which screeches at such a high frequency that the Director's mug shatters, drenching him in scalding hot coffee. A shard of the cage breaks off and lands conveniently on the ground where Turaga Vakama is telling the story with dramatic music in the background.) Turaga Vakama: Gathered friends, blah blah, blah. Director: Vakama: Listen again to our legend of the Bionicle... or if you would prefer, listen to this great elevator music. (Vakama switches the dramatic background music to elevator music.) Vakama: In the time before time, six mighty Toa (mightiest of which was me) vanquished the Makuta, encasing him in Protodermis held tight by the force of their combined elemental powers and a whole bunch of duct tape. Before becoming senile old men- Nokama: Vakama: What? ... The Toa united in a dutiful pledge to rescue the Matoran who were imprisoned by the Makuta. And so they returned to their once glorious home with every intention of enacting a great rescue, but Makuta had not left the sleeping Matoran unprotected. Their resting place was guarded by a ruthless king, a horde of poisoners (if that is a real word)- Director: Half the words in Bionicle aren't real! Takua: Actually, precisely 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375% are made up, and that number is also pie. Funny how that works out, isn't it? (When the Director suddenly realizes that Takua has returned to torment him for the entire movie again, he promptly gets up and puts his mouth under the coffeemaker.) Vakama: ... And a malevolent queen... who was actually just a viceroy, but since political correctness seems to be frowned upon, I won't say anything... ... And now the noble Toa (noblest of which was me) must face a web of shadows... stupid us for not hiring janitors... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Title Scene) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (The Toa Metru are riding in the Lhikan II in rather dark and stormy weather. Fortunately for them, it was particularly dark and stormy weather so they couldn't see the sea monster that was in pursuit of them. Had they, they would have most likely peed their pants (if they were able to and if they wore pants, that is) and they would have screamed like girls-) Nokama: (What? ... Anyway, a tidal wave knocks everyone out of the boat and rudely interrupts Matau's game of poker, which shows what a great pilot he was... not. As the Toa bob around in the waves, Vakama tries to grab onto the camera for support, however, in doing so, he accidentally drowns the cameraman, Bob. No one was actually sorry about this because Bob had notoriously bad breath. The Toa regain consciousness in a pile of junk on the shore of Metru Nui. Onewa is the first to emerge from it.) Onewa: Well that stunk... Whenua puked 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375 times... I wonder if there's any significance to that. (But before Takua can point out that it's his favourite number, the Director distracts him by splashing him in the face with a mug of burning hot coffee.) Nuju: It would appear there was an error in our transport. Pilot error. (Told you so.) Matau: Hey! Vakama was cheating! He had six cards... all aces! Nokama: No need to be critical Matau, regardless of how gracefully, we made it here. Matau: Whatever... hey, could somebody dig me out? (Whenua digs him out and while there is still dust in the air, he swipes Matau's wallet without him knowing.) Matau: Hey! Give my wallet back, Whenua! (Never mind...) Toa Vakama: Are we going to stand around all night or are we going to rescue the Matoran? Onewa: Actually, we were going to sit around all night. Vakama: Onewa: In massage chairs. Vakama: Okay! Director: Onewa: Floating massage chairs. Director: Fine... (The Toa float off into the main city, but at that moment, the hover chairs decided that it would be an excellent idea for them to spontaneously combust. The Toa escape the wreckage and look around.) Matau: What's with all the webs? Not exactly encouraging my Toa-hero SPIRIT. (At that point, a bunch of Rahi stampede by. One of them flies right over the Toa's heads, all of whom duck except for Whenua, and so the Rahi accidentally flies up his nose. Inside Whenua's head, it finds a large vacant space where it decides to curl up and nest. However, it soon commits suicide out of loneliness and exits via his left ear.) Nokama: What was that? Director: Matau: Well, there goes the old neighbourhood... and Mr. Rogers too. Nokama: Everyone else: Nokama: Whenua: The Archives must have been breached. Onewa: What did you have in there? Whenua: Everything... most of it dangerous. Vakama: Did you have a Kane Ra? Whenua: Yes. Vakama: Did you have a Hoi? Whenua: Yes. Vakama: Did you have a zbwqfp29? Whenua: Yes Vakama: HA! Got you! That doesn't even exist! Whenua: So? We still had one. Vakama: Whenua: The Onu-Metru Archive housed a specimen of every kind of Rahi ever discovered... even some that haven't been discovered, some that are yet to be discovered, some that we discovered but forgot about, some that- Director: Whenua: Well, at least it used to... Vakama: And the webs? Whenua: The janitor union's on strike, but it was mostly the Visorak- Nuju: Aha! They work for the union, I knew it all along... Whenua: Right... Anyway, they're nasty creatures. Onewa: Coming from you, that's not good. Whenua: Hey! Onewa: What? I only called you a nasty creature. Whenua: Oh, good. Nokama: But what does it change? Vakama: Nothing. We go to the Coliseum, we rescue the Matoran, we make a quick stop at McDonald's, we leave. Whenua: Or get pulverized. Nuju: It is a possibility... Vakama Sarcastically: Yeah? And so's the possibility of me winning the lottery. (Vakama, feeling very pleased with himself, thinking that he has fooled SPIRIT, looks around hopefully, trying to see if his reverse psychology worked. It did not.) Vakama: ... We've faced the Makuta and won. I really doubt a few crusty relics are going to give us much trouble. Agreed? Other Toa: No. Vakama: Great! Follow me! (Vakama's reverse reverse psychology fails him and he and the other Toa are all hit by a bunch of Oohnorak Rhotuka.) Vakama: Can't... move... or stop... talking like... Captain... Kirk... (All the Toa fall over and land in a big pile.) Vakama: Is everyone alright? Matau: No, I had a bunch of rusty nails in my pocket and they've gone right into my leg. You're a complete moron Vakama. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberry. Nokama: Ew... rusty nails... Bickering won't get us out of this, Matau. Matau: No, but think-talking before charging straight into a trap might have. Vakama: I took one step. ONE STEP! I hardly see how that's charging... Matau: Vakama: If you have something to say Matau, say it! Matau: Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus... okay that's all. (A Visorak scuttles near by.) Onewa: What was that? Director: Not you too! (Suddenly, a horde of Visorak rears up and screeches.) Matau: Let me guess, Visorak? Director: Whenua: Or in their tongue, "the stealers of life". Onewa: Do they even have tongues, all I see are teeth! SPIRIT: Hey! I was going to say that! Stupid movie writers, making the movies funny now... Nokama: Vakama, what do we do? Vakama: Well, I think- (You liar!) Vakama: That we should- Matau: Does this plan involve pie-food again? Vakama: Yup. Matau: Forget it then. Takua: Did somebody say pie? Director:
  7. The one that started it all... If you're the kind of person who doesn't read topic titles, this is a spoof of BIONICLE: Mask of Light (2003), originally written in 2004. Aside from some minor edits for the sake of formatting, grammar, and sanity (like seriously, why did I explain like half the jokes at the start of each chapter?! Did I not realize people had the Internet and could look up what they didn't understand?!), this is all raw and unedited from my 14 year old brain. Why did I think I could be sued for following the dialogue too closely? Why did I straight up change random parts of the movie? Why did I reuse several jokes to death and back again? And what was with all that pie stuff? These are but many of the questions you may be asking as you read. The rest of it's pretty good, though. Trust me. -SPIRIT Chapter 1- Lava Surfing Vakama: Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Gathered friends, listen to our legend of the Bionicle. Bionicle Fans: Yahoo! Vakama: Ahem! In the time before time the Gr- Hey, wait a second! How can there be a time before time??? (GregF whispers in his ear) Vakama: Oh!.... Can I tell them what happens in the Metru Nui storyline? Director: Stop wasting time! Vakama: Sorry! Some people... Anyway, the Great SPIRIT descended from the heavens carrying we, the Matoran to this para- actually we were Tohunga at the time, but that means something special in Maori and there was this big lawsuit and we needed to change our name and no one like my idea of the Pie-Eaters so we became Matoran. Director: What are you doing?!?! Keep it up and I'll replace you with Nokama. Vakama: Hey! You're not fighting fair! Director: Vakama: Where was I?......Oh, yeah. To this paradise. We were separate and without purpose (life was really boring, BZPower hadn't been invented yet). Director: Vakama: So the Great Spirit showed us the three virtues: Unity, Duty, and Destiny. (Go duty!!!) Director: Vakama: We thanked him by naming our island home after the Great Spirit himself: Makuta- I mean Mata Nui. But our happiness was not to last. Mata Nui's brother, the Makuta was jealous of these honors and betrayed him, he put Mata Nui into a deep slumber. The Makuta was free to unleash his shadows, and unleash them, he did. Hee! Hee! I sound like Yoda.............Ah! The Shadows! I can't see!!! Director: You just blinked! Vakama: I can see again!......Hey are we still filming? Director: That's it! You're fired! Vakama: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BIONICLE Mask of Light (Title Scene) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Now in Ta-Koro) Jaller: Takua! He's got more rock in his head than a Po-Matorun... I mean Po-Matoran, it's a good thing I'm not reading the DVD subtitles. Po-Matoran: Hey! Jaller: Oops!..... Takua! (He sees Takua's Kolhii stick on the wall) (Jaller sets off for the lava caves) Takua! Takua! Takua: Did you hear something? Pewku: Nope. Takua: Oh...... I didn't know you could talk!!! Pewku: I can't. Takua Pewku: What do you expect? It's a movie, anything can happen! Takua: Okay .......I prefer you didn't talk, it freaks me out . Pewku: Sure, no problem. (She starts whistling the MoL tune in the background). Takua: Pewku: Takua: Look at that! (Points at the totem) That's why they call me the Chronicler. Jaller: Who's they? Takua: I dunno...... Aren't you supposed to be here a few seconds later? Jaller: Yeah, but there wasn't any traffic today. Director: So what? Wait for your cue! Jaller: Fine! Takua: (Looking at the totem) Oooo... Pretty. I bet no one ever recorded this before. Jaller: Duh! You're the only Chronicler! Takua: Right... Director: Takua and Jaller: (There is a five minute pause) Director: Whose line is it?!?! Jaller: It's your script. Takua: Burn!.....(He bursts out laughing) Jaller and Director: Takua: Get it? Burn, lava, Ta-Koro? (There's an awkward silence) Takua: I'll shut up now. Jaller: Takua! Takua: That's my name, don't wear it out! Jaller: What are you doing here all alone? Takua: Pewku's here. Pewku: He's got a point. Takua: Pewku: Jaller: We're supposed to be at the Kolhii match. Takua: But Ga-Koro is going to win! Jaller: How do you know? Takua: Why else would they make a MNOLG about someone other than me? Jaller: You've got a point....... , but if we don't, Turaga Vakama will try to replace us... Takua: (He gets a mental image of Vakama playing Kolhii and shudders)......Hang on a sec...Must-go-to-pretty-light. Jaller: You're hopping across lava to look at a rock with light that comes out of nowhere on it? Takua: Yep. Jaller: Why not take the bridge? Takua: It's a bit late now! Jaller: Do you know what Turaga Vakama would say? Takua doing a perfect imitation of Vakama: Trust in the Mask, let it be your guide. Jaller: I asked what he would say, not what he will say. Takua: Pretty light. Jaller: (Takua trips and hits the stone which falls into the lava) Jaller: You Kolhii head! Takua: Oopsie! (Mol pops out of the lava) Takua: Pretty. Jaller: Have you considered therapy? Takua Sarcastically: Ha. Ha. Ha. Takua: Never seen this language before. Jaller: Let's go! Takua: Okie, Dokie! (Takua jumps onto the lavaboard and throws the Mask to Jaller. It hits him in the face and he falls down. A big lava wave hits Takua who falls into the lava and sinks) Director: Holy Kanohi! Jaller: Don't worry, he was just a stunt double. Stunt Double: Help me! It burns! Director: Quit your whining! (Stunt Double swims to shore and hops out of the lava all burnt and crisp) Stunt Double: I forgot about my lava-proof suit. Director: Where's Tahu?!?! Tahu Nuva: Sorry, I was just saving Mata Nui, it can wait. (The Stunt Double hops onto the lavaboard and is picked up by Tahu Nuva) Tahu Nuva: Chronicler! Sightseeing again? Let's get a closer look at those falls! (Tahu jumps off the falls and does his lava surfing thing) Tahu Nuva: So, Takua, this view close enough? Takua Sarcastically: No I want to be closer. Tahu Nuva Believingly: Really? Takua: No! (Whispering:) Kolhii Head...... (Yelling:) Incoming! (A gabajillion Bohrok come out of no where and start charging) Tahu Nuva: Don't worry (He uses his Hau Nuva and the charging Bohrok all bounce off) Takua: Cool! (Tahu Nuva climbs up the wall)
  8. Back in November 2004, this was the first comedy allowed to be posted without the need of spoiler warnings (hence the title). Four months after the conclusion of The Newest MoL Spoof, 14 year old me is a little bit older, a little bit wiser, and a little bit funnier (note how the lines actually stick to the script and how half the jokes aren't about pie this time). Granted, there are still some comedic decisions I don't think I would have made if I were writing this now, but there are still quite a few gems here and there. Love it or hate it, here we go. -SPIRIT Chapter 1- Toa Lhikan's Mission Turaga Vakama: Gathered friends (for those who have them) listen again to our legend of the Bionicle... This is so cool! Now I'm in two movies, and the Director wanted to fire me in the first chapter- Director: Keep this up and I will fire you at the first chapter! Vakama: But you need me for the rest of the movie. Director: Stupid writers... Vakama: In the time before time, in the glorious city of Metru Nui- Hey! Has anyone noticed that this is a different story from the one in MoL? Director: Don't you know you've been lying to the Matoran for 1000 years? Vakama: Actually, I- Director: Shut up! Vakama: ... We believed our noble Toa would protect us... we were so gullible! ... lousy slackers... Previous Toa: Vakama: Anyway, they fell one by one to Makuta- Director: Vakama: I mean a shadow... who wanted to make an endless sleep so he could rule the world and awake them as their conqueror! MUHA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!- oh wait... I'm the good guy... right... Director: Here we go again... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Title Scene) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Toa Lhikan opens a device to get the Toa stones and puts his Toa power into them.) Krekka: The last Toa! Lhikan: Actually there are going to be at least 12 more. Krekka: Stupid political correctness... Nidhiki: Stop sounding smarter than me! Krekka: My humblest apologies, my crustacean accomplice. Nidhiki: Krekka: I mean: Uh............................ Nidhiki: Much better. (They chase Lhikan onto a bridge and corner him. As they get closer, he prepares to jump.) Nidhiki: Don't jump! It's not worth it! Lhikan: But I can fly. Nidhiki: Oh... then jump away! (Lhikan jumps of and makes his fire greatswords into a flying board.) Lhikan: Come on! Fly! Fly! Fly! Director: Sigh... Maybe try turning it ON! Lhikan: That might work... (He turns it on and flies away.) (In Ga-Metru...) Vakama: And so Toa Lhikan took the sacred stones to a chosen Matoran in each Metru... I want to fly! Director: Shut up! (Nokama is teaching a class.) Nokama: Fire, stone- Student: Teacher? Why do you keep saying random words? Nokama: Cow! Pickle! The 8¼th Toa of Pie! Takua: Pie? Director: Not you again! Takua: No pie? (Lhikan flies up to the Ga-Matoran.) Ga-Matoran: Gasp! Toa Lhikan? Lhikan Sarcastically: No, the paper boy!... Here's you newspaper and a Toa stone. Guide the others with your wisdom. (Lhikan flies away.) Nokama: What's a wisdom? (In Po-Metru...) Vakama: In every city's life (if they have one)- Po-Matoran: Hey! Vakama: There is a time of great building. Builders such as Onewa create wonders that confirm our belief in the great SPIRIT... of civilization. (Onewa is carving.) Lhikan: Builder, I'm counting on your courage... or at least I would, if I knew how to count... Onewa: Courage, eh?... (He picks up the Toa stone.) Onewa: AHHHHHHH! A rock! Lhikan: (In Onu-Metru...) Vakama: This city was not just built for the construction of things, but from the collection of history......... I don't know what that means, but it sounded very cool..... My friend Whenua- Whenua: I'm not your friend! Vakama: ...knew this better than most. (Lhikan flies up and hands Whenua a Toa stone.) Lhikan: Don't archive it! (Lhikan flies away.) Whenua: Whatever. (He throws it into the archives.) (In Le-Metru...) Vakama: It was an age when crazy- I mean brave Matoran, like Matau, would test the latest machines with insanity- I mean courage. (Matau is flying at top speed. The steering device breaks off and he crashes and hits Lhikan, who gives him a Toa stone.) Lhikan: Don't break it. Matau: Uh... Mr. Pecan? Lhikan: It's Lhikan Matau: Yeah.......... Could I have a shiny-new one? Mine is broken-smashed. Lhikan: Sigh. (He flies away.) (In Ko-Metru...) Vakama: It was also a time of reason... for no reason at all... a time of study, observance, and boredom. Director: (Through Nuju's telescope.) Vakama: I mean looking into the future. And few looked further forward, without seeing what was in plain sight, than Nuju. Nuju: WHERE'S MY TELESCOPE?!?! (Lhikan flies up and hands him a Toa stone.) Lhikan: Follow the map thinker. (He flies away.) Nuju: Think?! How do you think? Come on! Come on! Come on! I know this! How do you think?! Director: I can't believe that out of 100000000000000000000000000000000000 gasp 0000000000000000000000000 auditions, this was the best guy! (In Ta-Metru...) Vakama: It was a time of sharing, remembering, building, adventuring, dreaming... same as before. Takua: That got old in the last comedy. Director: Just die! Takua: No. That's Jaller's job. Director: SECURITY! Vakama: It was the time of my kind- Director: Who? Morons?! Vakama: That was a bit ironic... It was the time of the mask makers, when creating Kanohi masks from Kanoka disks was all that they lived for. Po-Matoran: Who doesn't have a life now? Vakama: (Matoran Vakama breaks the Vahi he is working on and gets frustrated.) Lhikan: Making great masks Vakama? Matoran Vakama: Not yet, but with the right disk- Lhikan: But first the city needs your help. Vakama: My help? Lhikan Sarcastically: No! Takua's! Takua: You called? Director: SHUT UP!!! Lhikan: Matoran are vanishing, deceit lurks in the shadows of Metru Nui. (They hear Nidhiki walk up.) Nidhiki Sarcastically: Oh, thanks for wrecking the movie! (A big rock falls on Nidhiki's head.) Nidhiki: What was that for? SPIRIT: http://www.brickshelf.com/gallery/BackCap/Bionicle-Stuff/hate.jpg. Nidhiki: Oh... GregF made me do it! SPIRIT Sarcastically: Sure he did... (Lhikan gives Vakama a Toa stone.) Lhikan: Keep it secret, keep it safe! Vakama: Yes Gandalf... (Nidhiki attacks.) Nidhiki: This time will be your farewell forever... brother. Lhikan: You have no right to call me that! Nidhiki: Actually, according to the credits, we have the same last name. Onewa: And I'm Matau! Krekka: I'm Lhikan. Kongu: And I'm Makuta! MUHA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! (Vakama hides his Toa stone and Lhikan starts fighting. Krekka breaks in and joins the fight.) Krekka: It's the end of the line, Toa! Lhikan: What line?..................................... Hey! Why am I talking to myself? (Everyone looks at the Director.) Director: Well... uh... I uh......um.... SHUT UP!!! Nidhiki to Vakama: Where do you think you're going? Vakama: I'm going out for a slice of pie. Care to join me? Nidhiki: Sure! Director: Nidhiki: I mean... no! (Lhikan and Krekka keep fighting.) Lhikan: Why am I fighting myself? (He cuts a rope, causing a heavy thing to hit Krekka.) Lhikan: Wow... I just beat myself. Director: SHUT UP!!! Nidhiki: Brother! (Lhikan sees that Nidhiki is holding Vakama over some molten Protodermis.) Vakama: Help me! Director: No! Don't! (Lhikan surrenders and Krekka captures him.) Nidhiki: Compassion was always your weakness, brother. Lhikan: I'm also ticklish. (Nidhiki drops Vakama into the molten Protodermis, but Lhikan kicks his flying board to save, but it missed and Vakama falls into the molten Protodermis.) Vakama: Help I'm drowning- I mean melting! Director: Sigh... you have a lava-proof suit! Vakama: No I don't! Director: Vakama: Psych! Takua: That was old in the last comedy too! Director: That's it! (He starts strangling Takua.) Turaga Vakama: Aw... they love each other. Director to Vakama: You're next. Turaga Vakama: (Matoran Vakama hops onto the flying board and flies away. Then he has a vision. There is a floating Toa stone) Lhikan: Save the heart of Metru Nui. The Great Spirit needs you. (The Toa stone turn into a yellow Hau.) Vakama: Jaller? Lhikan: No! Lhikan, you fool!.... Time is short. Hurry Vakama. Vakama: No! Wait! Come back! Lhikan: See ya, I'm gettin' some pie! Takua: Pie? Vakama: Get out of my vision! (Vakama's vision ends and he crashes. Then Nidhiki and Krekka carry Lhikan away.) Lhikan: How was I captured by myself? Director: Why do I hire such fools? Takua: Well- Director: Shut up! Vakama: NOOOOOO! It's all my fault. Lhikan: Yeah! You could have told me you had a lava-proof suit! Vakama: It was molten Protodermis. Lhikan: (Somewhere...) Makuta: Must have the preciousssss- I mean Mask of Time. (Back in Ta-Metru, Vakama gets his Toa stone and opens it up to see a map.) Vakama: Where's the cream filling?...... Without you we have no Toa, but then there's Tahu- Director: SHUT UP, VAKAMA!!! Turaga Vakama: Me? Vakama: Or Me? Director: Vakama: Who will protect us?... I should have done something! Dume: Don't blame yourself. Vakama: Can I blame you Mak- I mean Turaga Dume? Dume: Uh.... no. I have come for the Mask of Time. Vakama: It's not finished yet. Great masks take time to craft. (He picks up a Vahi.) Dume: Then what's that? Director: STOP STEALING PROPS VAKAMA!!! Vakama: Uh... Oops? Dume: Perhaps you are using inferior disks. Vakama: I use the best. Only Great Disks are more pure. Dume: Too bad Lihkan isn't here to help... : Because of me!... You might want to ignore that last part... (He absentmindedly reaches for the Toa stone, but instead he picks up a disk and hands it to Vakama.) Dume: Bring the completed mask to the Great Can-can Contest. The destiny of Metru Nui rests in your hands. Vakama: Actually this disk and useless Vahi do, but that's what Lhikan said... Lhikan: Actually I said: Vakama: That means the same thing. Lhikan: Oh....................... I just quoted myself!
  9. EDIT: Tweaked the lyrics slightly and I even went ahead and made a quick recording! Sets are on the shelves, domain's online who knew that it was just a matter of time? Who knew we had so many older faaans? For years I've watched Lego's rise yet of their new lines they didn't inspire But finally Bionicle is back! It will be built with ccbs and it'll be totally strange but some of the new parts will look the same! cause for the first time in forever we'll have a story of dark vs light for the first time in forever I'll be moc'ing through the night I'm not sure if I'm obsessed or crazy but it's probably quite clear... for the first time in forever My childhood is here. I can't wait to see all of them! what if I get... my favorite one? Tonight imagine me at the mall calmly walking by the wall A picture of adult maturity Then I see it displayed in place My favorite hero, heroic and brave Lego take my money already! but then I'll laugh and build all evening which is totally bizzare nothing like my last five years by far! for the first time in forever there'll be magic, there'll be fun for the first time in forever a new mystery has begun and I know it's totally crazy to expect the older gen but for the first time in forever we have old names again Don't let them in, don't let them see the other lines aren't that all bad it seems ninjago and chima, have tv shows Even hero factory had its pros doesn't matter though today/ doesn't matter though today For I cannnot delay/ For I cannnot delay tell my friends we're going to the store/ the store For the first time in forever/Don't let them in, don't let them see I'm getting what I'm dreaming of/the other lines aren't that bad it seems A chance to share to my favorite toy/Conceal A chance to be with fans/Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know I know it could end in three years, So it has to be today 'Cause for the first time in forever For the first time in forever Lego's coming my way! OMG there its is! I had so much fun writing this, then singing along to the original music! It's kind of about my experience where Bionicle ended in 2010 and I wasn't interested in anything Lego until its relaunch. That being said, I don't have a problem with those sets!
  10. Jamags

    Bioniwhatsit

    Welcome! I've undertaken the project to write a comedic version of the BIONICLE storyline. I'll put up a character list a little later. I've gotten a few chapters written, and will release them one a day, to give me some time to write more. So without further ado, the funnies! Prologue – On a really sandy table with a couple pebbles Yo, peeps. Oh, Vakama. Could you at least try to sound old and wise? Fine. Umm… Gathered friends. Yes. That’s good. I like the sound of that. Gathered friends, I’m tellin’ you that story again, ‘kay? Vakama! Umm… Listen again to our… legend… of the… uh… Bioniwhatsit! BIONICLE! Yeah, that. A really really long time ago, which may or may not have been in a galaxy far, far away, Vakama, please. Alright, alright. In the… uh… In the time before time – Alright, how does that make any sense at all? Just go with it, Matau. It’s probably the best we’re going to get from him. The Great Spirit, Mata Nui brought us to this island. It was a nice place, and he was a pretty cool guy, so we named the place after him. I’m getting a little tired of reminding you that we’re supposed to be wise old leaders. Ah. Right. So anyway, his lil’ bro Makuta – I mean, his… brother, yes, brother, Makuta was jealous. Don’t ask me why. Anyway, he sang a really good lullaby to Mata Nui, who was out cold. What? We’re making most of this up anyway, and we never really “established” how MN got put to sleep. Whatevs. Anyway, these four really cool guys, one really cool girl, and one idiotic guy – Hey! What? It’s true! Anyway, they’re gonna come beat the karz out of Makuta and give Mata Nui a wake up call. That’s great. Can I smash these rocks now? Chapter 1 – A beach on an unknown island *A wave washes across the beach, depositing a strange, cylindrical object* *A lid pops off of the object and a pile of organic material and mechanical parts spill out. Whatever they were initially part of is still somewhat functional and manages to assemble itself.* Tahu: Unh. Where am I? Who am I? When am I? *He looks down at himself* What am I? Oh, this is gonna be great. Tahu: Who the karz are you? I’m the narrator of fire. My job is to explain to the audience how you got here and give you the answers to all those questions you were asking. Tahu: Audience? Oh. Yeah. Uhh… Sorry about the fourth wall, Author. Don't sweat it. I do that all the time anyway. Tahu: Uhh… Wasn’t this my comedy a moment ago? Ah. Right. Welcome to the island of Mata Nui! This place is inhabited by six tribes of little people called Matoran that are led by six slightly bigger old guys called Turaga, and sort of worship six really big people called Toa. Tahu: And where do I come in? You’re Tahu, Toa of Fire, Lord of the Majestic Flames, and all that. As such, everything fire-related here starts with “Ta.” You’re in Ta-Wahi, the section of the island dedicated to fire. You’re near Ta-Koro, the village of fire. This place is inhabited by Ta-Matoran the little guys of fire. They’re led by Vakama, Ta-Turaga, who’s the old guy of fire. You are the Ta-Toa. Tahu: *Begins to walk toward Ta-Koro* Right… So you said these people worship me, right? Sort of, but not really. They have this legend. The Great Spirit, Mata Nui, brought all the Matoran and Turaga to this island, where they could live in peace and prosperity. But Mata Nui’s “brother,” Makuta, was jealous of the respect they had for big brother. Tahu: What’s with the air quotes? Long story. Spoilers. Tahu: Ah, great. But how does this concern me? Makuta had evidently just watched Sleeping Beauty, so he decided to send Mata Nui into a deep slumber. He used infected Kanohi masks, yucky versions of the one on your face, to enslave all the Rahi, those are animals, on the island and began attacking the Matoran. The prophesy says that six mighty Toa will arrive on the island, defeat Makuta, and awaken Mata Nui. Tahu: And? Isn’t it sort of obvious? Tahu: What is? I guess it isn’t… You’re one of the six Toa. Tahu: Oh. Sorry if I’m a little slow on the uptake. I’m just glad I didn’t get stuck as the Narrator of Air. Tahu: Why’s that? Meanwhile, in Le-Wahi Lewa: So they worship me? Sort of, but not really. Lewa: They worship me. That’s not entirely tru – Lewa: Are there any cute girls of air? *Facepalm* Back in Ta-Wahi… Yeah, I got lucky. Chapter 2 – The approach to Ta-Koro *Several Matoran are hidden behind a log, looking at the long, narrow valley leading to Ta-Koro* Ta-Matoran 1: So yeah! Then I tell him, “What’s the matter, air-spitter, run out of treespeak?” Ta-Matoran 2: Oh man! That’s great! Jaller: Will you guys shut up? I think I see something. Tahu, further down the valley: So let me get this straight, as long as I’m aware of the danger, I can use this mask thingy to protect me from it? Pretty much. Tahu: Cool! Jaller: He’s shrouded in shadows. That means he’s either a friendly traveler that we’ll mistake for an enemy, or an enemy that we’ll mistake for a friendly traveler. Well, better safe than sorry. Activate the flimsy sticks that pop out of the ground in an almost cage-like formation but are completely useless! *The sticks pop up* Tahu: Wha? What the karz are these? *He gets out his convenient fire sword and cuts through the cage* Jaller: He broke through! We’ll have to throw our pointless disk thingies at him and brandish our awkward and somewhat pointy staffs! *Vakama comes out and starts bonking people on the head with his own staff* Vakama: Stop you fools, that’s Toa Tahu! Jaller: But Turaga! If we didn’t fight him, he would have actually turned out to be a rahi! *Vakama bonks him on the head* Vakama: Quiet, you.
  11. You asked, and we answered! Presenting:Sidorak Investment Opportunity: Visorak! [media='']http-~~-//vimeo.com/30929064[/media] This is actually 2 spoofs in 1; but I'll let you figure out how. My lovely (and I mean that in a brotherly way) sister, Hali Historian, and I created this due to popular demand. The whole thing when from concept to completion in under 24 hours (and we weren't working on it the whole time) I made it using Windows Movie Maker (A royal pain to use, let me tell you), GIMP and Audacity. Let us know what you think!
  12. Yes, you read that right. Playing a bard in the BZPRPG has done things to my brain. It now sees potential song parodies everywhere. Personally I also find it funny when villains break character in parodies, so I thought "Why not use Makuta Terdiax for this?" I intend to have him parody one well-known song per chapter 'till either your interest or my creativity runs dry. So let's get this party started, shall we?Makuta's Sing-Along BlogChapter 1Mata Nui has risen.Everyone in the great city of Metru Nui is celebrating the event. The Toa Nuva have finally fulfilled their destiny of awaking Mata Nui, after Toa Matoro's noble sacrifice to revive the Great Spirit. The evil Makuta were all killed by the energy storms erupting in the universe core after the awakening, and the Order of Mata Nui secured control of the world above; meaning that the greatest threat to peace has been wiped out once and for all.Just as the Turaga begin to congratulate the heroes, however, I make my entrance. A cold wind spreads across the crowd, and my voice can suddenly be heard from all directions. I am Makuta Teridax... and I have just secured my position as supreme ruler of the universe. And just for that reason, I feel the need to tell the Toa exactly what I think of that matter.*Ahem*This... was a triumph.I'm making a note here: Huge success.It's hard to overstate my satisfaction!I'm the Makuta!I do what I want, because I can.For the good of all of us,except for those who must dieBut there's no sense crying over every mistakebecause evil plans, that is what I makeAnd the Rahkshi will flyAnd the Toa will dieNone of my brothersare still aliveI'm not even angry.I'm being so sincere right now.Even though you torched my face,and killed me.And tore me asunder.And threw my corpse into a pond.As I fell I laughed becauseI was so not dead!Now these masks from Toa make a beautiful pileand my evil plans are still cruel and vileSo I'm glad you understand:I'm still the ruler of this land,and the people that are still alive!Go ahead and leave me.I think I prefer to work alone.Maybe you'll find someone else to help you?Maybe Karzahni?That was a joke, haha, that fool!Anyway this Kraata's greatit's so malicious and moistLook at me still talking when there's evil to do!When I look out there it makes me glad I'm not you!I've got a universe to run, there is evil to be doneon the people that are still alive!And believe me I am still alive!I'm doing evil and I'm still alive!I feel fantastic and I'm still alive!While you are dying I'll be still alive!And when you're dead I'll be still alive!Still alive, still alive!Silence creeps across the crowd again. The only sound to be heard is the chill breeze swooping by. I allow myself to slip into obscurity once again, leaving the Toa and Matoran looking at each other in disbelief.Makuta, whom everyone had thought dead, was back, and he had taken control of their universe. And even worse... he was jolly.
  13. The Good Judgment of Madame the Virgin Mary (scene: The palace of Justice, Paris, 1482)Gringoire: Oh my, the crowd is getting restless!Actor 1: What are we going to do? We’re supposed to wait for the Cardinal.Gringoire: Yes, but if we offend him by starting early, we’ll be hanged.Actor 2: So we wait, then.Gringoire: [pacing] Yes, but then we’d be hanged by the people.Actor 1: Well make up your mind then! We’ve got to do something. I can hear some of them building makeshift nooses already.Gringoire: Alright! Alright! Just give me a moment to think of something.Actor 2: When you say “alright”, are you saying it like “all right”, as in with two L’s and a space, or like alright, as in one L and no space? The second is more grammatically correct.Gringoire: That’s not helping.Actor 1: Yes, you’re not helping. Besides, we’re talking in French.Actor 2: Oh are we? But the script is in English.Actor 1: Well it’s hypothetically in French. As in, the dialogue is in English for the sake of the audience but it’s actually in French.Actor 2: Now how does that work?Actor 1: Actor 2, use your brain! We are fictional characters in a translated work! It just works that way. If it really bothers you, just speak in a ridiculous French accent and for all intents and purposes you’re speaking French.Gringoire: Are you quite done breaking the fourth wall yet? I find that type of humor so unsophisticated.Actor 1&2: Yes sir.Gringoire: Now back to my pacing. Think think. Think think. Think think. Alright, I have it. [steps forward, pulling up Actor 1 and hiding behind him] Sirs and Madams, you know that I love the people of Paris! As a matter of fact, I love you so much that I would hate to keep you waiting for the sake of one person, so we’ll start the play. [steps back]Actor 1: What was that for?Gringoire: When the Cardinal arrives, I don’t want him to know that I’m the one who decided to start the play early. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pretend I have nothing to do with this production. Now get this done, Actor 1. You too, Actor 2.[Exit Gringoire. Enter four more actors labeled Clergy, Nobility, Trade, and Labor]Actor 2: See you later, PierreActor 1: Messieurs the Bourgeois and mademoiselles the bourseoises, we shall have the honor of declaring and representing before his eminence, monsieur the cardinal, a very beautiful morality which has the title The Good Judgment of Madam the Virgin Mary. I am to play Jupiter. His eminence is, at this moment, escorting the very honorable embassy of the Duke of Austria; which is detained, at present, listening to the harangue of monsieur the rector of the university, at the gate Baudets. As soon as his illustrious eminence, the cardinal, arrives, we will begin…or rather not.Actor 2: That’s right, we’re here for you.Actor 1: And so let us bring upon the stage our three principle forces…blah blah blah blah blah blah.Actor 2: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.Actor 1: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.Actor 1&2: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.[enter Victor Hugo]Hugo: Hello, I’m just dropping in from the nineteenth century looking for ideas for a book. What have we got here?Actor 1&2: Blah blah blah...[ad infinitum].Hugo: I see [writes down notes]. If you don’t mind, I find this extremely boring. This will probably be skipped over in my book. How long is this prologue going to take?Actor 1: Blah blah blah blah blah – Clergy – blah blah blah blah – Nobility – blah blah blah – Trade – blah blah – Labor – blah.Hugo: Alright, I got the part about Clergy, Nobility, Trade, and Labor. After that monologue, even the dimmest of audience members could guess who each character was supposed to represent. The labels on your shirts aren’t helping with the subtlety. I’m not sure if I agree with your brand of art.Actor 1: No wait, by “alright” do you mean “all right” with two L’s and a space or “alright” with one L and no space?Hugo: [facepalms] Forget it, I’m getting out of here.END- For most who read Hunchback of Notre Dame, this is surely the most memorable moment. That's probably because it's in the first chapter (book) and it gets extremely difficult to read after the second chapter. So when I had to write something based off of the latest book I supposedly read, this is the subject matter I came up with.Embedded in the work is an inside joke that isn't readily apparent to those outside of the original intended audience. The most prominent of these is the reference to the commonly misspelled phrase "all right", which we were discussing in class the other day.Your Honor,Emperor Kraggh
  14. Parody for John<3 Chloe SullivanI want to say sorry, to that face of an angelWho I pushed away last Thursday nightAs I paced back and forth all that timeAfter I had your roommate place that ultimatum on youHolding on, the days dragged onStupid girl, I should have knownI should have knownI’m not your Lois, even though you're SupermanI’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feetFly her around SmallvilleThis isn’t Hollywood, I’m from a small townI was a dreamer who thought you to be her princeTo take me away from the ordinaryMaybe I was naïve, got lost in your bowtie and eyesAnd never really had a chanceI had so many dreams about you and meHappy endings, now I knowI’m not your Lois, even though you're SupermanI’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feetFly her around SmallvilleThis isn’t Hollywood, I’m from a small townI was a dreamer who thought you to be her princeTo take me away from the ordinaryMaybe I was naïve, got lost in your bowtie and eyesAnd never really had a chanceI had so many dreams about you and meHappy endings, now I knowI’m not your Lois, even though you're SupermanI’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feetFly her around SmallvilleThis isn’t Hollywood, I’m from a small townI was a dreamer who thought you to be her princeTo take me away from the ordinaryAnd there you are againTyping away on your computerWriting those amazing stories for your blogCause I’m not your Lois, even though you're SupermanI hope you’ll find someone someday who can be who I apparently wasn’t for youThis is a big world, and it was my fault but I only have three more daysSo I hoped you would’ve choosen to get to know me tooBut I still have three more days of schoolBut I still have three more days of school, so please think about itOh, whoa, whoa, whoaPlease John think about itOh, please give me a chance before I have to leave.Thank you!
  15. The Basic Idea Of…The Hunger GamesWarning: Do not read unless you have read the book or watched the movie.One day in the future, there lived a girl called Katlisp Neverseen.Kantkiss: It’s Kantkiss Neverclean, you stupid.Whatever. Shut up. Anyway, she lived in a very dusty place that mined Coca Cola.District 12 spokesperson: It’s coal.You don’t say. You don’t drink hot Coca Cola, that’s barbaric!District 12 spokesperson: I meant it as in c-o-a-l.Not cold Coca Cola?District 12 spokesperson: No.Well, anyway, that place was known as District 12. Kantkiss lived in a hut near some market called the Knob.Knob Market Person: Door knobs for sale!Kantkiss also lived with her sister, Primjob, her constantly depressed mother, a nanny goat, and a very evil cat called Buttercup, which had watched too much of the Alien franchise.Kantkiss: Get this cat off my face!Kantkiss’s mother: Sigh.Primjob: Come on Buttercup! Come down!Kantkiss’s mother: Moan.Buttercup: HISSSS!Kantkiss mother: Groan.There were 12 districts in all and were rule by this bunch of candy-colored people-Candy people of the Capitol: AAARGH! ANTS! AAAAAAAH!-in a place called the Capitol. Collectively, the districts and the Capitol were known as the nation of Panem-Juneval: Et Circenses!Shut up. There was once a thirteenth district too. But it got blown up in a civil war.People of District 13: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-KAPLOWEY!And every year, as punishment, this President Snowman decided to get two kids from each district to go and fight in an arena, called…. THE HUNGER GAMES President Snowman: Thy Districts shalt send a pair of chosen children in thy lotto to thy Capitol and there thy children shalt fight to thy death to win honour, luxury, fame and food! Thy event shalt be annual and thy shalt be known as thy HUNGER GAMES!And the lotto was called the Reaping. How apt. So then one the 74th reaping, Primjob was called to go the the arena! *Play dramatic music here*And Kantkiss was like:Kantkiss: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!And then she said:Kantkiss: I VOLUNTEER! I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!WOW! SO BRAVE! Then this guy called Piper, was selected. Piper: It’s Peeta!Shut up Piper. No one actually cared about him until in the arena. Then later, Midget, Kantkiss’s Friend, gave Kantkiss her mockingperson pin. This was to ensure that Kantkiss won by learning to mock everyone. Then they (Kantkiss and Piper, without Midget) went to the Capitol on a flying train.Flying Train: I think I can fly. I think I can fly.And then they met this guy who was like:Heyrich Avermony: I’m an alcoholic…….And then this lady was like:Ewie Poorpeople: THAT IS MAHOGANY YOU BARBARIANS!After many things happened later, Kantkiss and Piper went into the arena and fought for a bit. Many people died. And Kantkiss met this girl called Run Babyrun. Run helped Kantkiss to throw bees. At people. Especially at their eyes.Some victim: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! BEES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!SPLOSH!Glugugugugug!But then Run died, and so did some other people.And later in a cave:Piper: I LOVE YOU SO HIDEOUSLY KANTKISS!Kantkiss: Whatever.And she went and mocked this little psychopathic girl who had an obsession with knives. But then this guy, Bash, who was a friend of Run appeared and was like:Bash: WHY DID YOU KILL HER? OH, WHY! WHY?And so the psychopathic girl got maced.And later some wolves which have been mutated came, so Kantkiss and Piper sat on a big horn and were like:Kantkiss and Piper: Ner-ner-de-ner-ner you can’t get us!Very mature of them, I know. So they won the games, but these guys called the Gamemakers, who were a bunch of sore losers were like:Gamemaker: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOOOOOOOOOUUUUU! CAAAAAAANNNNNOOOOOOTT! WIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!So Kantkiss said:Kantkiss: Fake eating these poisonous blueberries!And Piper said:Piper: Do you know I love you so hideously?And then they won the games and went home on the flying train. And President Snowman was like:President Snowman: GRRRRRRAAAAAAH! The End! Yes, I know, very random, but this is a parody. Like it?
  16. Hello, Comedies forumgoers! Welcome to the sequel to my last comedy, BIONICLE: The Legend Reloaded! (Warning: Link leads to old forums, so be careful about clicking it if you don't want to randomly log out.)As with TLReloaded, The Legend Exploded is a parody of a BIONICLE movie; specifically, the never released fifth BIONICLE film. Using the synopsis of BIONICLE 5 that Greg posted on his blog a couple of years back, I have now written a parody of BIONICLE 5. It more or less follows the plot outline in the synopsis, although many things have been changed to make it funnier or else crazy awesome.One last thing I'd like to note before we get to the first chapters is that you may notice a lot of continuity errors, plot holes, inconsistent characterizations, fights that break the laws of physics into bit-sized pieces, and so on. As with TLReloaded, any mistake you notice in here - save for most spelling and grammar mistakes - was intentional on my part. It is simply the nature of the Legend Trilogy to be completely over the top and stupid. The whole point of this comedy is to be stupid and parody bad writing.Also, TLE will be 19 chapters long (plus the prologue). I will post a new chapter once a week, so check back every Wednesday for another installment of awesomeness.Contents:Prologue: For the Lazy ReadersChapter I: The Darkness (Subtitle: Really Serious Chapter)Chapter II: The Attack (Subtitle: Mata Nui and friends take on an entire army of monsters)Chapter III: Another Ambush (Subtitle: Burritos!)Chapter IV: An Epic Confrontation (Subtitle: In which Mata Nui gets a pretense of character development)Chapter V: An Epic Challenge (Subtitle: Sort of)Chapter VI: A New Friend (Subtitle: Someone else to abuse Bucket-head)Chapter VII: Weird Events (Subtitle: It may not be a dream after all)Chapter VIII: More New Friends (Subtitle: Bucket-head just can't get a break)Chapter IX: Air Guitar Hero (Subtitle: In which Likus and Tera show off their mad air guitar skillz)Chapter X: The Champions of Air Guitar (Subtitle: Ackar and Likus act even stupider than usual)Chapter XI: Gone Fishing (Subtitle: Dah Element Lords finally make an appearance)Chapter XII: Anger & Drama (Subtitle: Mata Nui gets another semblance of character development (sort of))Chapter XIII: Watch out! (Subtitle: Exclamation marks make titles more exciting!)Chapter XIV: Betrayal (Subtitle: Dramatic plot twist time!)Chapter XV: Epic Battle (Subtitle: This chapter was brought to you by the letter 'A', for Awesome)Chapter XVI: The Epic Conclusion (Subtitle: Not!)Chapter XVII: A Battle so Epic even Jason Bourne must Join (Subtitle: I can't think of a good subtitle)Chapter XVIII: When Entities Do Battle (Subtitle: So much manliness it can't be contained!)Chapter XIX: The End (Subtitle: As if)Side Story: Biomechanical Dinosaur Hunting (Subtitle: Because you demanded it!)Now enough of my rambling. Here are the prologue and first chapter of BIONICLE: The Legend Exploded: Prologue: For the Lazy Readers In the last comedy, BIONICLE: The Legend Reloaded, Mata Nui – resident gun-toting butt-kicker – had come home from hunting cybernetic demon wolves one day to discover that his girl, Kiina, had been kidnapped by a gang called the Skrall, led by the mighty Tuma, an old enemy of Mata Nui.Mata Nui’s mind snapped and he recruited his old war buddies: Ackar, the old man who could still hand your butt to you on a silver platter; Gresh, the fastest and most incomprehensible man alive; and ‘Double Barrel’ Berix, the Agori who escaped the Bota Magnan Asylum for Incurably Criminal Agori and lived to tell the tale. With his friends at his side, Mata Nui went after the Tuma, intent on getting his girl Kiina back.After several awesome and unbelievable adventures (most of which were unnecessary filler used by the author to pad out the word count), Mata Nui and his friends defeated the Tuma and rescued Kiina. However, the real villain was Metus, an old friend of Berix’s, who turned out to be controlled by an entity known as Destruction, who in turn was borne from the dark thoughts of a 100,000,000,000,000,000,000.3 year old being called the Abyss (or just Abyss. The author was never really consistent about that). Not only that but an army of demons arose to slay our heroes.But Mata Nui and friends – with the aid of Zeus, the Greek god of the sky – defeated the hordes of entities while looking really awesome at the same time. And then a good entity named Super Planet bestowed the power of unity upon Mata Nui and friends, giving them the power necessary to destroy the Abyss once and for all.After that, you’d think the plot would have ended. But nope. The author had to reach 50,000 words and by the time they destroyed the Abyss, the author was only at 25,000. So the author decided to stretch out the comedy just a little by having Mata Nui and his friends get involved in a ninja kidnapping plot.Old Man Raanu was kidnapped by a group of ninjas (who had no real reason for kidnapping him, by the way) and Mata Nui and friends had to rescue him. This caused them to go on a long, unnecessary journey in which they battled monster ponies (also known as ‘monies’), sheep and goat ninjas, and Death himself (well, they didn’t actually fight Death, but they annoyed him, anyway).Eventually, our band of butt-kickers reached the ninjas’ main base. After a somewhat anticlimactic battle, Mata Nui defeated the Grand Di-Shogun and freed Old Man Raanu, who, being the richest Agori in the universe, rewarded them with 80 trillion dollars. Billy, the Grand Di-Shogun’s nephew, became Super Planet’s apprentice, and both he and Super Planet flew off into space to fight evil and all that jazz.After that crazy adventure, Mata Nui and friends returned home. They split up, each going their separate ways, and for a while it looked like maybe they wouldn’t be dragged into another dumb plot.But then Mata Nui – polishing his 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle – received a note from a group calling themselves Dah Element Lords. Dah note from Dah Element Lords said that they had take Berix and Gresh hostage and demanded to see 80 trillion dollars by the end of the week or else they would kill Berix and Gresh.Because no one messes with Mata Nui’s friends and gets away with it with their spine intact, Mata Nui rounded up Kiina and Ackar to go on a rescue mission, which brings us up to present day, when Mata Nui, Ackar, and Kiina have been tracking down Dah Element Lords for a few days . . . Chapter I: The Darkness Subtitle: Really Serious Chapter Ackar was an old man. He was often cranky, irritable, and in constant need of prunes. Unless he got his old guy sleep, his health would get worse and he might just die. Of course, that was if he wanted to die, for Death had already set him up to get killed twice and failed. So it was unlikely that Ackar would be croaking any time soon.So Ackar was just peacefully napping in the jungle, occasionally snorting or muttering things like, “Darn kids, get off my lawn” when a tree exploded for no apparent reason.Ackar’s eyes snapped open and he was on his feet instantly, sword in hand, as two figures flew out of the burning tree, did a few summersaults in midair, and landed on the ground with such ferocity that they caused an earthquake. But they did not want the earthquake around here, so the yellow one grabbed the earthquake and threw it into space, where it would harm no one. Yay.The two figures looked slightly similar to Ackar, but only slightly. One was yellow; a rather impractical color, but Ackar couldn’t judge because he wore bright red armor. The other one was blue and female, which is important for you to know because if you didn’t you would assume she is male due to the lack of female characters in BIONICLE, which would be sexist which would make you a bad person which would make me have to ask you to leave lest some people call this comedy sexist which it isn’t by the way as one of the main characters is female and is arguably one of the coolest characters in this comedy and-“Shut up!” Ackar snapped. “We get it. Bad things will happen, the apocalyse is upon us, blah, blah, blah. Gah, I need my prunes.”“I actually liked what the narrator was saying about me being one of the coolest characters in this comedy,” said the blue female (see? No sexism there).“You may be cool, Kiina,” said the yellow one as he pointed a thumb at himself. “But I am the coolest. Who threw that earthquake into space? Yep, me, Mata Nui, the main character and greatest action hero ever.”“Next to Jason Bourne, that is,” said Ackar.Mata Nui glared daggers at Ackar, who quickly deflected them out of the air with his sword. “What do you know about action heroes?”“More than you,” Ackar answered. “And why do you two look different? Last I saw, you guys looked less like Skrall rejects and more like actual warriors.”Ackar was right. Mata Nui and Kiina did look different, but because these particular versions of these characters were never released as sets, I cannot describe them. So use your imagination instead of relying on me to do all of the explaining. Back in my day, kids didn’t need cranky old narrators like me to tell them what things looked like. They used their own imagination, unlike kids nowadays, with their stupid Wiis and wireless Internet and My Little Pony dolls and all of that other stuff. Stupid modern kids.Ignoring me, Mata Nui said to Ackar, “We’re going undercover as Skrall, obviously.”“But last I checked, the Skrall were all black with various shades of other colors, but mostly red,” said Ackar, looking Mata Nui and Kiina up and down. “You’re bright yellow and blue. Also, we’re going after Dah Element Lords, not Skrall.”“We know,” said Mata Nui, nodding. “But they don’t know that.”“Who doesn’t know what?” asked Ackar.“Them,” said Mata Nui, pointing at the screen.All three of them looked at the readers and for a moment no one said anything.Then Ackar turned back to Mata Nui and Kiina and said, “Well, I still think you look stupid. If you think I’m going to put on some of that Skrall armor, you got another- Hey, where’d this Skrall armor come from?”While Ackar had been speaking, all of his armor had somehow been replaced by Skrall armor. He looked like a completely different person, because ya know, putting on a new suit of armor can alter your body structure. At least in BIONICLE it can, anyway.“Wow,” said Mata Nui, whose tone was one of extremely fake surprise. “Ackar, the armor must have chosen you! It is destiny!”“Yeah,” said Kiina, who was busily kicking something red out of sight. “Definitely. No going against destiny, right?”Ackar looked disgruntledly down at his new armor. “I don’t like it, but if you say so . . .”It was at that moment the plot attacked. Back down the path they had come up, they heard a noise, like someone sneaking around and failing at it.“Uh oh,” said Mata Nui. “Someone is following us.”“Or something,” said Ackar. “Remember the flying ninja chipmunk zombies?”“Oh, yeah,” said Mata Nui, nodding. “I still don’t know why the ducks sacrificed themselves to save us, though.”“Enough of the Noodle Incidents,” said Kiina, pointing down the path. “Ackar, because I’m too lazy to do anything, you go and find out what made that noise.”“Okay,” said Ackar, nodding. “I’ll be as stealthy as a ninja. In fact, I will play ‘Ninja’ by Europe while I am sneaking around. It’ll freak out whoever is following us.”Ackar pulled out a giant boom box from nowhere, put a CD in it, and pressed play. Suddenly ‘Ninja’ by Europe blared out of the speakers as Ackar not-so-stealthily went back down the path they had came. Exactly why Ackar felt the need to play that song, not even Mata Nui or Kiina knew. It was probably just the author inserting songs he likes into his story. Stupid author.TNTOS: Hey, Mr. Narrator. Keep that talk up and I’ll replace you with Amy.Wait, you can’t fire me! I have a wife and three children!TNTOS: No, you don’t. You sleep in your car outside the studio.Darn it. Well, you still can’t fire me. I’m not as bad as Amy, you know.TNTOS: Good point. Well, just keep your opinions about me to yourself and narrate the darn story.Yes, sir.Anyway, Ackar was sneaking along while ‘Ninja’ played. Despite Ackar’s best efforts, he lost control of his fire abilities (a problem he never faced before, but never mind that) and set a tree on fire. The light of the burning tree – which looked really awesome – illuminated a Skrall standing there, holding his hands over his ears, probably to protect them from the booming noise that came from the boom box.“Ah ha!” said Ackar, pointing at the Skrall. “I spy with my little eye a Skrall!”But the Skrall panicked and fired his gun at Ackar. The bullet hit Ackar and he went down (rest assured folks that Ackar is not badly hurt, just bruised).Mata Nui and Kiina had been watching the entire scene (including my argument with the author) and, as Ackar went down, Mata Nui yelled, “Ackar!”Oddly, his voice took on a weird echo-y effect and the rock behind the Skrall turned into Arnold Schwarzenegger and grabbed him. The Arnold Schwarzenegger rock statue thing began squeezing the Skrall, like a dumb kid who doesn’t seem to understand what happens when you squeeze a balloon full of helium. It would be funny if the Skrall popped like a balloon, now that I think about it.Just then, Ackar got to his feet and shook his head. He looked from Mata Nui to the Skrall and said to Mata Nui, “Keep it up, Mata Nui! Teach that dumb Skrall a lesson!”Ackar’s words seemed to break Mata Nui out of his reverie, for the Arnold Schwarzenegger statue suddenly dropped the Skrall and transformed back into a normal rock. Mata Nui shook his head and said, “Whoa. That was freaky.”Ackar sighed frustrated. “Fine. If you won’t kill him, I will.”Ackar raised his sword and was about to unleash a blast of fire that probably would have burned at least half of Bara Magna before the Skrall raised his hands in surrender and said, “Wait! Don’t shoot! I am not evil!”“Kill him, Ackar!” said Kiina eagerly. “When I was in the custody of the Skrall, they mistreated me. Don’t let him live.”“Kiina, although I love your bloodthirsty ruthlessness, I think we should hear the Skrall out first,” said Mata Nui, looking at Ackar now. “And then you can kill him.”Ackar looked disappointed, but he put his sword away in the place BIONICLE characters store their weapons in the movies (probably somewhere too inappropriate to show in this comedy). The Skrall stood up unsteadily, looking quite frightened at the three beings who obviously wanted him dead.“There is nothing left for me in Roxtus,” said the Skrall quickly, as though he had spent all night memorizing it. “I thought . . . well, I thought I could join with you guys and go home. But then the tree went on fire and I thought you were attacking. So I fought back in self-defense.”“A fishy story,” said Mata Nui, stroking his chin. “Quite a feat, as your story has no fish in it.”The Skrall’s eyes suddenly became puppy dog wide and he said, “Please, merciful Mata Nui, let me come with you. I just want to go home, back to my country which is for some reason unnamed, and you guys are going there, so I want to com with you. Please!”If the Skrall thought his attempt at puppy dog eyes would work, he was sorely mistaken. Mata Nui, Kiina, and Ackar took a step back at the disgusting and bizarre-looking Skrall, whose eyes immediately returned to normal when he saw how freaked out they were.So the Skrall tried a different approach. He threw himself at Mata Nui’s feet (quite a feat, as throwing oneself is harder than throwing someone else) and said, “O mighty Mata Nui, I would just like to go back to my home. That is all that this humble Skrall’s humble heart humbly desires.”“I don’t believe him,” said Kiina abruptly. “Mata Nui, can I kick him to Jupiter? Please?”Mata Nui looked down into the Skrall’s eyes. Even though Mata Nui had once killed millions of this Skrall’s people and had personally slain the Tuma, this Skrall wanted to join Mata Nui and his friends on their journey north. He just wanted to go home even if it meant traveling with enemies who might kill him in his sleep.What a stupid Skrall, Mata Nui thought. But I might be able to use this to my advantage.Mata Nui folded his arms – just to make himself look intimidating – and said, “Hmmmmmmmmmm, I’m not sure we should let him join, guys. I mean, Skrall are really stupid and willful. Not to mention we’re not going on a pleasure ride. We’re going to rescue Gresh and Berix, and I am not sure we have room for one more.”“But you cannot just abandon me!” said the Skrall in shock. “Mata Nui, we have met once before, don’t you remember?”Mata Nui thought hard about that for a moment. “Hmm, you can’t be one of the Skrall I killed because you wouldn’t be here. On the other hand, though, I never let any Skrall that I see live. Could be lying.”“I am not,” the Skrall insisted. “Do you remember, way back when, when you were captured by the Skrall? A Skrall freed you. That Skrall was me. I’m on your side, Mata Nui, for I did save your life, after all.”“True,” said Mata Nui, nodding. “But I seem to recall promising that particular Skrall I would kill him last, and I never make false promises.”“Uh, your memory must be faulty, then,” said the Skrall hastily. “But now you have all the proof you need of my innocence. What do you say? Friends?”“I never liked that show,” said Mata Nui thoughtfully. “But the more I think about it, having a Skrall as a meat shield, er, I mean, ally might not be such a bad idea.”“But Mata Nui, Skrall are mean, cruel, and dirty!” said Kiina, looking at Mata Nui in surprise. “All Skrall are the four letter word I can’t say because the BZP word filter blocks it! I say that’s more than enough reason to-““Kiina,” said Mata Nui, turning to her and whispering so quietly that the Skrall – who had super enhanced hearing abilities for no particular reason – couldn’t hear them. “I hate Skrall as much as you do. But think about it; he can be cannon fodder. Rather than risk our own lives, we can send this Skrall against our enemies during battle first. If he dies, so what? At least it’s not me, er, I mean you or Ackar. See where I’m going?”“Yeah, yeah I see,” said Kiina, nodding approvingly. “I knew there was a reason I loved you. Before I just thought it was because the author was mocking the Mata Nui/Kiina shipping, but maybe there is more to it than that.”“Yeah, sure, whatever,” said Mata Nui, turning away from Kiina to address the Skrall. “So, Mr. ‘I-Save-Your-Life-And-Now-You-Must-Help-Me-Go-Back-To-My-Home-Country’ Skrall, you may join us.”“You mean you aren’t going to ask me my opinion?” asked Ackar as he walked up to them. He had been trying to put out the tree he had set on fire during all of this, but had finally given up and punted the tree to the moon, where it would probably not hurt anyone.“You’re an old man,” said Mata Nui. “Old peoples’ opinions don’t count.”“But I’m your best friend!” said Ackar. Then his eyes rested on the Skrall and he growled, “You took my best friend away from me, Skrall. If you put even one toe out of line, I’ll kick your butt so hard it won’t even exist anymore.”If the Skrall had looked frightened before, he looked absolutely terrified now. “Um, no, O great Ackar, I will not put even one toe out of line. I-I am a good Skrall. Yes I am.”“Okay,” said Mata Nui. “So what’s your name?”“I have no name,” said the Skrall, shaking his head. “Skrall don’t get names unless they do something extraordinary, like defeating a powerful enemy or listening to the Tuma’s opera recital without going permenantly deaf. So I am nameless.”“Eh, you need a name,” said Ackar, folding his arms. “So I think I’ll call you Bucket-Head.”“I will carry the name with honor,” said the Skrall, bowing low. “Even though it is completely against what I have been taught my whole life, I shall not throttle you for disrespecting my culture and turning me against my people by giving me a name.”“Heh, Bucket-Head,” said Mata Nui. “It’s funny.”“Yes, it is,” said Ackar, nodding. “So, now that we’re all one big happy family, what’re we going to do now, Mata Nui?”“Hmm, we could play hunt the Skrall,” said Mata Nui. “That’s always fun.”“And we do have a Skrall on hand,” said Kiina, pointing at Bucket-Head.“Why don’t we continue our journey?” said Bucket-head quickly. “Aren’t two of your best friends kidnapped by Dah Element Lords or something?”“I’m not sure I’d call them best friends, but they’re friends, yeah,” said Mata Nui, nodding. “That’s a good idea. So, my friends, let’s get back to the plot. With a new slave, er, friend, we will bravely set forth into the unknown!”So Mata Nui and friends, with Bucket-head the Skrall, restarted their journey north. But everyone kept one paranoid eye on Bucket-head, for no one trusted him due to him being a Skrall. I would make some comment about racism and intolerance, but I have a feeling that would stray into religion and politics, so I’ll just keep my mouth shut.Comments, criticisms, etc. are all welcome .-TNTOS-
  17. Mutran walked over to the small, bizarre looking figure that sat in the corner. His face was wrapped in bandages. This was Spyder, a comedy writer who had smashed his face into his computer screen upon finding out that BZPower had once again taken the Forums offline. He had awoken only a short while ago after having his face and Kahnohi repaired from the damage caused by the broken screen and the electrocution.“Ah good,” said the Makuta, “You’re awake. Let’s see how we did.” Mutran began to unwrap the bandages. Spyder pulled himself away from him and began to impatiently tear them off. As his new face became visible, Mutran drew back in horror.“Mata Nui…” he breathed.“Mirror…” Spyder said as he held out a bandaged hand, “…MIRROR!” Mutran reluctantly handed him a small mirror. There was a moment of silence as Spyder looked at it.“Oh no…” he muttered emotionlessly. Mutran tried to speak reassuringly to him.“You understand that the nerves were completely severed, Mr. Ryder.” Suddenly Spyder erupted in a fit of crazed laughter.“Eh-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!” he snickered as he smashed the mirror on a nearby table. Mutran took a step back.“You see what I have to work with here,” the Makuta said as he gestured to the crude assortment of office supplies he had used to reconstruct Spyder’s face. Spyder didn’t seem to notice.“Eh-hee-hee-ha-hee-ha-hee-ha-hee-hee!” he laughed as he stood up from the chair and stumbled across the room, breaking the lights as he did so. Mutran was about to stop him, but decided against it.“Ha-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!” cackled the crazed creature as he staggered up the stairs of Mutran’s office, “Ha-ha-ha-ha-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”Hapori Tohu, President of BZPower, was just walking back into his office after taking a shower in his newly renovated private bathroom, which was part of his penthouse suite that overlooked the city of BZP Nui. As he walked back to his desk he heard the door open.“That you, Helryx?” he asked. He had been expecting his date to arrive any minute. However, he looked to the doorway and saw a small, hunched-over figure in the darkness.“Who the Karzahni are you?” asked Tohu. The figure took a step closer and spoke in a somewhat disturbing voice.“It’s me…Helryx.” Tohu grimaced. He knew he shouldn’t have trusted those online dating sites. But after staring at the figure for a few moments, he recognized who it was. He gave a nervous smile and held out his arms.“Spyder…Thank Mata Nui you’re alive! I thought you were-”“Gone?” interrupted the figure as he came closer, “Is that what you heard?…You took the site away twice…TWICE!…You must be insane…” Tohu gulped nervously and finished his drink of BZP cola. He turned around to his desk and reached out to press the silent alarm.“Don’t bother,” said the figure. Tohu turned around to see that he now had some kind of weapon pointed at him.“Your life won’t be worth spit!” shouted the president, knowing that hundreds of angry BZP members would go after Spyder once they found out.“I’ve been dead once before…It’s very liberating,” said the figure as he came even closer, “You should think of it as, uh…therapy. Heh-heh-heh-heh.” Tohu looked around and gave another nervous smile.“Listen Spyder…maybe we could cut a deal!” The figure paused in his advance.“Spyder?…Spyder’s gone, my friend. You can call me…” The figure stepped into the light, revealing that his Kanohi Tryna was stuck in a demented grin, “Snider... And as you can see, I’m a lot happier.” He let out a snicker as he held out the weapon in his hand, which was actually a banana-cream pie. He hurled it at Tohu, making the president stumble back. He made several more appear, and threw them continuously at Tohu until the Toa fell out the window and into a dumpster several floors below. Snider continued to laugh as he sat himself down in Tohu’s desk and put up his feet.“What a day,” he sighed happily.Word Count: 670
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