Tornado Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 (edited) introhello i am the narrator and this is the stor,(interuption)may i have some candyy? ugh why cant you get some your self.but we are all outso?i cant get anywhybecause im too young to get a credit card and my allowence isn't untill five days! five days!!so why are you asking meyou're the narrator you can narrate lots of candy into the storyno i cant it isnt in the script see*pulls out black maker* no i cant see it's right thereoh i see i now narrate candy into the storypoofyay candy *munch munch*great now i can get to itfirst up is blazer the just whatever im cool kind of guy next there is blocksy the oldest and bossiest of all next is brezey the hyper sugar feasting comedian next is spedey the quick quick quick middle child next is droplet the hot temperd bookworm finaly there is shard the clumsy worry wart now let's get this show on the road statusintro 100%1 0% Edited June 9, 2013 by Tornado Quote I'm back from the deadwill be posting new stuff soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Van Hohenheim Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 Sorry if this review seems harsh. I hate to come across as that. First off, it's pretty cliche. You have the cool guy, the old bossy guy, the hyper guy, the fast middle child, a hot-tempered guy, and the clumsy person. Quotation marks ,("), are used to say something, such as "I want a sammich", not for actions such as doing a yo-yo. Such actions would best be put in either asterisks (*), or having everyone say something in quotation marks and narrate actions without them. The spelling really needs to be improved too. I counted thirteen mispellings, as well as numerous grammar errors. If you work on it, and put more effort into it, I can see something growing out of this. Work and effort is needed, though. again, I really hope I didn't come across as harsh. it's not my intention to do so. Quote Previously known as Aiwendil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanakalackin Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 He's only nine, please keep that in mind. Quote I have an Instagram page where you can see these pictures and more like them! Just click HERE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voltex Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 He's only nine, please keep that in mind. I don't notice anything wrong with Strack's post - he's simply mentioning the things that could improve this piece of writing, is he not? The main problem I have with this story (aside from what Strack has pointed out already) is that I don't think it really has anything to do with Lego at all - which would require a move over to the OTC forum. Tornado, if this is supposed to be a Lego Comedy, then my first suggestion is to make it more obvious, so that the staff don't have to move it over. Quote JOIN AETHERGARDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
25K Now! Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 He's only nine, please keep that in mind.When I was nine I knew how to use paragraphs. And besides, getting some criticism and tips to improve one's writing at a young age might be good for him. The plot is a bit weak; we have no idea what is going on, and the introduction of the characters feels like an info-dump. Also, capitalisation. The comedy isn't 300 words either. Quote http://vimeo.com/198967785 BZPRPG Profiles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Van Hohenheim Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 The comedy isn't 300 words either.the "300 comedy word count" was abolished here Quote Previously known as Aiwendil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
25K Now! Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 Eh? Must have missed that. Quote http://vimeo.com/198967785 BZPRPG Profiles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makuta of Time Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 Yeah, I'm going to agree with everyone on this, and I don't see the Bionicle aspect of the Story in here. You gave us detail on who the Matoran are and what they look like, that be great. But it's best to do so, if not this will be moved to OTC, since that's what it currently sounds like. I suggest using proper grammar as Strack suggested, and since he did spot the misspellings, I suggest you use Micosoft Word if you have it. If not, I suggest you buy it. It comes in Microsoft Office which you can find in any local computer hardware store. If you want to look on how to improve with this grammar, and get inspiration on how, look at some other works in the Library forum. -Flaredrick the Sniper Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanakalackin Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 We do have MS Word. He must've typed it into the BZP-thing from scratch. Quote I have an Instagram page where you can see these pictures and more like them! Just click HERE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aquaria Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 He is actually almost 10, and almost a year behind in grammar... Still, he is kind of a nice brother.... Sort of.. Quote Read my comic, AoA, Adventures of Aquaria, the story of A. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tornado Posted June 9, 2013 Author Share Posted June 9, 2013 thats my sister Quote I'm back from the deadwill be posting new stuff soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Makuta of Time Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Well then, I highly recommend MS Word. It really helps out. Plus you can proof-read his work just in case he may have missed something. -Flaredrick: The Sniper Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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