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Shadows

depressing poetry

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6 replies to this topic

#1 Offline The Shouting God

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 10:10 AM

The foundry of my heart could notBend your steel willI tried so hardAttacked with hammers of laughterAnd tongs of witUpon an anvil of friendshipTrying so hard to change youTo mold youTo the perfect shapes and curves that my eyes see,To the divinity that my mind imaginesRefusing to see your imperfections,The humanity of your voiceMy God,To love a shadow hurts so muchBut by God,It’s what makes you so beautiful,My love. Just a poem I wrote for a poetry competition for school. The given themes were Fact/Imagination, Shapes and Forms or Urban Voices. Not too sure which it fits in.C&C?
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With the clamor of anvils and the thunder of guns, we rip each day from life's teeth.


#2 Offline Legolover-361

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 10:16 AM

The whole thing was very nice free-verse, but I particularly liked the metaphors you used to drive home the idea that the man really wants the woman to love him back and tried hard to achieve that goal. My only nitpick is that the first two lines seem a little too straightforward compared to the rest of the piece, but to be honest it didn't detract from the poem much. You did a great job, I'd say.
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#3 Offline hashtagfortyfive

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 10:24 AM

Okay, the impression I got was slightly different than LL's. Basically, the way I understood it, a man loves a woman, but she's not at all what he interpreted her to be, and he can't bring himself to love what she really is. As for criticism, well, darn, I have a confession to make, Dovy doesn't understand poetry. Like LL, I did not enjoy the first two lines as much as the rest of the poem, but whatever, overall, I liked it. Good work.-Dovydas
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#4 Offline The Shouting God

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 10:33 AM

Dovy hit the nail on the head. :DThanks guys, will see about the first two lines. They were the ones that got me thinking about the rest of the poem, so they'll probably not change much.
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With the clamor of anvils and the thunder of guns, we rip each day from life's teeth.


#5 Offline Grant-Sud

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 04:48 PM

Wow. Beautifully done. Great free style and meaning behind it is, or the way you wrote about the meaning behind it, is done so well. Awesome job.
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#6 Offline Velox

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Posted Sep 26 2012 - 05:21 PM

Hey there, this poem has been selected for a Short Stories Critics Club Charity Review. Overall, this was definitely an enjoyable poem to read. I've never been the biggest fan of poetry, nor have I had appreciation for them and poets. But I am currently taking a Creative Writing class that deals with a lot of poetry writing and appreciation. I'm actually having a lot of fun with it -- it's really enjoyable to be able to use the freedom that a poem gives you. And you definitely do take that freedom with this poem, and you do so very well. Like you said, you're sure it fits one of those themes, but you're not sure exactly which one. Instead of focusing on just a theme, you got an idea, and expanded upon that idea, taking "creative license", if you will, to shape that theme into your own. Personally, I think the poem fits a little into every category. You have this idea of two people -- a fact -- but where one of them has the imagination of changing the other. One thing that I liked is that you didn't specifically state what s/he's trying to mold his/her friend into. Yes, into something perfect in his/her eyes, but never specifically what. The first question I have is simply what is the problem in the first place? Obviously one of the characters thinks something is wrong, and that the other needs to change. Which is a great storyline for a poem, because it's good that they have passion and tension, as this poem so clearly does. Obviously there's the shapes and forms, as s/he's trying to shape her/him literally, into this idea of perfection. And Urban Voices, well, this poem just seems like it would fit very well in an urban setting -- there's a lot of tension, a lot of wishing, etc. Getting into some of the more little details of the poem, I really loved the diction throughout. A lot of times using too many metaphors can be detrimental to a poem, but in this case, although you had at least seven all clumped together, it definitely wasn't too much, as for one they were really just one big metaphor, but for two they just all fit together very well. It really gave me a strong image of how s/he is feeling. Not that I'm literally seeing a person hammering at an anvil, but just you can, in a sense, "see" how passionate s/he is about accomplishing this task of perfection. And that's the beauty with poetry -- diction really comes into play here. Yes, with short stories and novels, too, but less so. In poetry, literally every single word counts, and it's amazing to be able to write like that. I definitely do think that every word counted in this poem, as it all contributed to the overarching theme. I'm trying to decide what my favorite line was, but I honestly can't decide. The whole poem was very well written, and I liked every one. There are a couple small things I'd like to point out, though, mechanically. The first is that the lines "To the perfect shapes and curves that my eyes see, / To the divinity that my mind imagines" the "to" should really be "into" for both, as you mold something into something else, not to something else. The other thing is punctuation. Of course poetry allows the freedom of not having to follow grammar rules, but because you do have a few commas and one period, I think that you should've had at least one other period. Perhaps after "voice"? It seems to be a slight shift there, going from him/her changing him/her, into him/her expressing feelings. Although really quickly I want to mention that as well -- the gender neutrality, that is. Personally, I liked how you didn't specify. It allows the reader to decide for him/herself, and also allows everyone to relate, as it really could go either way. The second and first persons worked very well here. Really made the poem have more meaning, as it put us into the poem. Overall, as I said, I really enjoyed reading this poem. Keep up the great work, I look forward to more. Keep writing! Posted Image
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#7 Offline Archer Vonn

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Posted Sep 26 2012 - 11:12 PM

Comments and criticism should be respectful and constructive. -B6

Edited by Black Six, Sep 27 2012 - 06:51 AM.

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