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The Rise - Review Topic

The Rise Primeval Metru-Nui

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#1 Offline Taipu1

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 12:50 PM

It's good to be working on an epic once again. This is inspired and loosely based on the british Sci-Fi drama Primeval, but set in the Matoran Universe. Those who have seen Primeval will most likely understand more from this first chapter. For those who haven't seen Primeval, I would recommend it. The story will also be tied in with the Expanded Multiverse, and I will post this in the story submission topic, and have more EM related stuff, when the EM gets going again. In the mean time, enjoy the story. The Rise C&C appreciated, Post away.
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#2 Offline Nick Silverpen

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Posted Sep 22 2012 - 04:03 PM

Hey Taipu1, Nick Silverpen from the ECC with a Charity Review:First off, your beginning was attractive, a good mysterious and descriptive passage to start off the scene. The parallelism between the height of the knowledge towers and the ground was good- this is also the first time I can recall where the shadows in a story were simply shadows. While this part was simply written but well done, I think you repeated some words a bit, that could be replaced for just more varied nouns, etc.

Up in the upper levels of Metru Nui

It may just be personal taste, but "high" sounds better than "Up"Going into the story, your dialogue seems very real. Businesslike, but casual at the same time. The casual relationship between Taraka and Arken seems very loose, yet it seems like they're just on formal terms, despite all of the joking the pair does. Good parallelism of concepts, and keep working on it. You explore Akfen's emotions decently in the little passage toward the end. Some description could be used in-between your dialogue and this passage, to break it up, but it's fine the way it is. "Lion of Ko-Metru" was a good hook, and it adds to the mystery your intro paragraph brings. The Toa Tool- it seems like it has been very vaguely described, do you plan on having more significance to it in later chapters?When you're writing your dialogue, or any passage you're reading, narrate it aloud so you know exactly what you were putting down. A number of places have some awkward spots:

“Storage room,” Taraka said, confused.

Should be "Storage room?"

It wasn’t going to turn it down.

"I wasn't going to turn it down."Those were relatively few mistakes I saw in there, but just check, here and there. Also, try to refer to other words than "said", such as "replied, spoke, shot jokingly," etc. said just doesn't fit some of the passages here. The way your story is developing seems simple and still entertaining. It already looks like it's going to build into something great. Not sure if you intentionally emphasized some things, for foreshadowing purposes, but it made this chapter a good read. I do want to find out what happened to Nuju, as to how you will tie him as a character into this story. Good job, and keep writing!

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