Posted Oct 18 2011 - 12:50 PM
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Posted Sep 22 2012 - 04:03 PM
It may just be personal taste, but "high" sounds better than "Up"Going into the story, your dialogue seems very real. Businesslike, but casual at the same time. The casual relationship between Taraka and Arken seems very loose, yet it seems like they're just on formal terms, despite all of the joking the pair does. Good parallelism of concepts, and keep working on it. You explore Akfen's emotions decently in the little passage toward the end. Some description could be used in-between your dialogue and this passage, to break it up, but it's fine the way it is. "Lion of Ko-Metru" was a good hook, and it adds to the mystery your intro paragraph brings. The Toa Tool- it seems like it has been very vaguely described, do you plan on having more significance to it in later chapters?When you're writing your dialogue, or any passage you're reading, narrate it aloud so you know exactly what you were putting down. A number of places have some awkward spots:
Up in the upper levels of Metru Nui
Should be "Storage room?"
“Storage room,” Taraka said, confused.
"I wasn't going to turn it down."Those were relatively few mistakes I saw in there, but just check, here and there. Also, try to refer to other words than "said", such as "replied, spoke, shot jokingly," etc. said just doesn't fit some of the passages here. The way your story is developing seems simple and still entertaining. It already looks like it's going to build into something great. Not sure if you intentionally emphasized some things, for foreshadowing purposes, but it made this chapter a good read. I do want to find out what happened to Nuju, as to how you will tie him as a character into this story. Good job, and keep writing!
It wasn’t going to turn it down.
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