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A Day in the Life of a Ruki

FFFC Fish Day Life Ruki

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#1 Offline The Phantom Terror

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Posted Jun 17 2013 - 04:10 PM

[font="calibri;"]The Ruki swam through the tranquil oceans of Mata Nui. He watched Tarakava serpents slither through the water as they were stalking a strange blue figure, Takea sharks on the hunt, and many other things. It’s a magical world he thought as he swam on, still observing. Ooh! What’s that?  He thought as he swam towards an oddly shaped sea urchin. What does it taste like? He wondered as he bit it. Yuck! Definitely NOT a sea urchin. He said as he spat the object out. When he turned around, he saw a very odd creature in the water. The newcomer wore a blue mask, like most of the natives, but a red and yellow body. What are you? The Ruki wondered as he followed the odd, multicolored thing to the object that was most definitely NOT a sea urchin. Take it. I don’t want it at all. The Ruki thought. The creature then swam up through an opening and disappeared. The Ruki followed and stuck its head out of the water and watched the creature place the object that it had picked up into a larger thing. Just then a hut that the Ruki had seen earlier, filled with little blue things, popped up and out of the water. Then the trouble started. A giant Tarakava, most were, burst out of the water and attacked. Time to go! The Ruki thought as he plunged back into the ocean. [/font]

 

[font="calibri;"]Several hours later, the Ruki was still hungry. What’s that smell? The Ruki thought as he approached a shiny object with something delectable on it.  This looks good… The Ruki thought and he bit into the chunk of meat. Yum… So tasty… The Ruki thought. Wait, what’s happening? The Ruki thought as he struggled to stay underwater, his strength finally gave and stopped struggling.[/font]

[font="calibri;"]                [/font]

[font="calibri;"]“I got one!” Something said. “Nice job Marka, I didn’t know that you had it in you!” Another voice said. [/font]

 

[font="calibri;"]What’s going on? Where am I? The Ruki thought, scared, as he flopped onto a lily pad. [/font]

 

[font="calibri;"]“You’re going to be my new pet.” The voice called “Marka” said. [/font]

 

[font="calibri;"]What’s a pet? The Ruki wondered as he was carried off.[/font]


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#2 Offline CeeCee

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Posted Jun 17 2013 - 05:02 PM

The content of what you wrote isnt bad. I think you stray off into the thoughts of the Ruki way too often. Doing that so, isnt a problem, but you dont have to always use italics to portray a characters thoughts. Especially in a third person narrative. I personally dont like italic thought much at all but its not wrong, its just I personally feel it takes us away from the story. Another problem is the amount you have done. There is no rule for a word count I dont believe, but if you want people to be interested in your work you have to give us a reason. Nothing really interesting happened in this chapter. Im sure you may have exciting plans for this story but none of us will care too much if the first chapter doesnt draw us in, not matter the quality of the over all epic. I suggest adding to this chapter before you move on to the second. 

 

Nevermind. I see this is a short story which I think makes my point even more valid as you have no intention to build upon this. Just because its a short story doesnt mean it has to be REALLY short. Its an interesting set up and could have a lot more content to play with that just what you did. I mean you could do the whole BIONICLE saga through the eyes of a Ruki. Its a very original idea you have chosen but you could have implemented it better.

 

Props to you for using paragraphs though.


Edited by CeeCee, Jun 17 2013 - 05:08 PM.

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#3 Offline badabababa obesity

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Posted Jun 19 2013 - 08:32 PM

Hello! I've come to review your story! When I saw the size of this, I thought something smelled fishy.

 

...

 

Okay, I'll apologize for that pun. But that's beside the point- on to the story. 

 

As much as I tried, I couldn't really get into this story because there was no real set-up. You see, a big part of the reading experience is getting to know what's going on, who's doing what, etc. It gives your reader a chance to make attachments to the characters. Yes, this is important in short stories or even Flash Fiction! If you had taken some time to tell us about Marka, or the Ruki, or more descriptors about where this took place, you could have a lovely tale on your hands.

 

My other complaint fits right in with the above- it's less than impressive length. You see, a short story can range to be the equivalent of a chapter or two of a full-fledged book. I've seen writers spend days or even weeks on one short story! While these aren't Flash Fiction, it brings up a good point- every story needs effort, creativity, time, and just a little bit of craziness to be a fun read. This isn't to say your story was boring, because a boring story would drag on with useless events and bland characters. I can see that you at least made an attempt to create an interesting world, and I can respect that.

 

I didn't see any major grammar mistakes, but here was something:

 

A giant Tarakava, most were, ...

 

I believe this could be rephrased as...

 

"A Tarakava, giant (as most were) ..."

 

...or...

 

"... most were giant, and this was no exception."

 

See? It just clears things up a bit. :)

 

Overall, I didn't think your story was bad, I would've simply preferred more content.


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