Fish!

[CeeCee]

This is my first ever SS. Please be gentle. As I am entering this into the FFFC I had trouble keeping the word limit under 1000. Its actually just a little over. Still waiting on confirmation on that. I feel the start is a lot stronger than the second half but only because I was strapped with the word count.

 

Fish!

It’s a magical world the ocean. Being a Po-Matoran, Keprin didn’t have much interaction with it, so being this far out was something he treasured dearly. The rippling waves sparkled a vibrant orange, twinkling the reflection on the sun into his eyes, contrasting against the rest of the blue water that seemed too span from one end of the horizon to the other. It was early morning. Very early morning. So early in fact, that behind him the sky still wore a dimmed lilac prowess. He sharpened his knife with a stone he had picked from the Po-Wahi beach just before the two of them had set sail.

 

“I hope you’re not thinking about killing that poor creature” Pezi, the Ga-Matoran said, standing over him and her hands placed firmly on her hips. There was a tutoring look in her innocent eyes, as if he were some barbaric creature who needed to be taught the civilised and tranquil ways of Ga-Koro.

 

“You can never be too careful, my dearest.” he smiled, looking up from his blade. “Besides, poor creature isn’t exactly the words I would use for something that’s eating the fish we eat and sinking the ships we use to catch them.” The mission was to move the giant fish as far out to sea as possible so it wouldn’t disturb the island any longer. Pezi would do most of the work. Kerpin was just there for back up, really.

She let out a sigh that contained mostly annoyance but with a slight hint of genuine laughter mixed in. “You arrogance will only get you so far rock head” she tapped the top of his Kanohi three times to get signify its apparent hollowness. “When will you learn that it is just the way of nature? Big fish eat smaller fish and protect themselves from anything that might be a danger to them. I feel it’s something you Po-Boys will never get the gist of.”

 

Keprin shook his head and just laughed. From a distance it may have seemed like this unlikely couple were anything but friends. They rarely saw eye to eye on matters and would often send sly digs towards each other’s cultures or more personal acts. The truth was though that Pezi had chosen him for this mission and it want just because of his experience in military matters. Besides Keprin had hardly made any attempt to deny her offer. The ocean wasn’t the only magical thing out here today.

 

The Ga-Matoran lent out a gentle hand towards Keprin, who sheathed his knife before taking it and lifting himself up. As he rose his eyes met hers, and their heads were unnaturally close together. Keprin looked away instantly and rubbed the back of his neck. It was the first time he had ever felt uncomfortable in Pezi’s presence although she seemed un-phased. Maybe she hadn’t really noticed it or maybe she just wasn’t bothered about the two of them being more intimate with one another.

 

“Turn around” she said, pulling out an oxygen tank she seemed to be struggling with the weight of.

 

“Do you want me to…”

 

“No” She cut him off, he voice strained with effort. “I can manage.” Her strength didn’t seem to come through a physical sense like his, but more a mental perseverance. Something of which could be very, very dangerous at times. To those faced against it but also to herself. Keprin knew he well enough to know she had trouble giving up.

 

She clipped the tank around his shoulders and waist and turned around so he could do the same for her. To Keprin’s, perhaps unjustified surprise, she seemed to have no trouble with the tank now it was balanced on her back.

 

They both placed on a mask that covered their entire mouths.

 

“This is what we use to talk to each other once we are underwater,” she said.

 

The voice played directly through Keprin’s ears. He exaggeratedly staggered back clutching them. “Darn it girl, as if hearing your chatter wasn’t normally bad enough.” He jested and gave her a friendly wink. She gave him what was probably a smile, although hard to tell with the mask on, and fluttered her eyelids.

 

They both dove into the water, the heavy tank dragging them down further towards the ocean floor. It was beautiful. The bright coloured plants coated the ocean floor and fish of all shapes, sizes and patterns swam past him just inches away from his face. Just before he could reach out to touch them he felt a sharp, numbing pain in his right arm. He turned around to see the fish they were supposedly hunting with its teeth sunk into his limb. Keprin let out a yelp that must have got Pezi’s attention as she turned around instantly. Without hesitation the Po-Matoran grabbed his knife and brought it down hard into the fish’s nose. It must have been at least four

times the size of him. The fish opened its mouth to bare its hundreds of razor sharp teeth, like staring into the jaws of Karzahni itself.

 

“Keprin!” Pezi squealed, unclipping her tranquilizer harpoon from her back. She swam towards it at speed that seemed to even shock the enormous monster. She buried the harpoon deep into the fish’s brain. Its huge eyes role back, then plummeted to the ocean floor. That was the moment when Keprin blacked out.

 

He awoke on the small boat they had travelled on. He was slumped down against the front and when he looked down at his arm he noticed his hand was placed in Pezi’s. She appeared to be asleep but Kerpin new better than that.

 

“What happened to following the ways of nature?” He teased, a huge grin slapped to his face. Pezi’s eyes shot open, ecstatic at first then turned to a look of anger. She punched him in his bad arm. Hard. He yelped out in pain.

 

“You deserved that,” she said sternly, furrowing her brow. Then she started laughing. A laugh that Keprin knew was uncontrollable. He joined in too and put his arm around her.

 

“I take it we’re having giant fish for dinner, then?”

 

 

 

 

[Haecceity]

Quite good for a first attempt, Sam. A few qualms here and there- (Grammar and punctuation, how we loathe you) -but a nice solid concept overall. Here's my major issues with the story:

 

"It’s a magical world the ocean."

Try something along the lines of:

"The ocean-it's a magical world."

"It's a magical world, the ocean."

"It's a magical world, the ocean- full of ______ and ____."

 

"Being a Po-Matoran, Keprin didn’t have much interaction with it, so being this far out was something he treasured dearly."

"Didn't" should be "Hadn't", "Have" should be "Had"

 

"...wore a dimmed lilac prowess"

Try changing "prowess" to:

"pall"

"shroud"

"semblance"

"facade"

"veil"

 

“I hope you’re not thinking about killing that poor creature” Pezi, the Ga-Matoran said, standing over him and her hands placed firmly on her hips.

"And" should be "With"

Try:

"I hope you’re not thinking about killing that poor creature...” Pezi, the Ga-Matoran said,"

 

“You arrogance will only get you so far rock head” she tapped the top of his Kanohi three times to get signify its apparent hollowness.

"You" should be "Your"

Try:

"Your arrogance will only get you so far, rock head.”

She tapped the top of his Kanohi three times to get signify its apparent hollowness.

 

The truth was though that Pezi had chosen him for this mission and it want just because of his experience in military matters.

Try:

But when Pezi had chosen him for this mission, it wasn't just because of his experience in military matters.

 

"although she seemed un-phased."

"unfazed"

 

​These were just the major issues I noticed on my first read-through, and are in no way all of the errors in the story. But overall, you developed the characters nicely-and brought the lovers' tale to a satisfying conclusion within the bounds of a flash fiction piece. Good work.

Edited June 18, 2013 by Haecceity

[CeeCee]

Thanks dude!Everything you said was right besides the first part. Unfortunatly that was the writters prompt. Thanks for all the addvice and the feedback. I spent a little too much time setting up the chatacters though and started to panic once I had gotten to the fish part. If I zhad maybe 2000 words to play with, it would have been less rushed in the actuall action scene, but I guess thats flash fiction for you.

[Relapse]

You kindly reviewed my story, and since I've always had a quid pro quo view on this kind of thing, I'll hit up yours with a bit of critique.

 

The member above got all the grammar, so I'll get straight into content. To begin, I'll say this: the pacing was a bit wonky, but this is one of the longest entries so far, so it's understandable. Still, the climax (center of action in the plot) could've been more emphasized on. It is, after all, the core of a story- holding the setting, rising action, and conclusion, together. In short, this was quite well done for a first story! With a bit more pacing and work put in the climax, I think it could be a lovely, memorable read.

Edited June 18, 2013 by Shuhei Hisagi

[CeeCee]

You kindly reviewed my story, and since I've always had a quid pro quo view on this kind of thing, I'll hit up yours with a bit of critique. The member above got all the grammar, so I'll get straight into content. To begin, I'll say this: the pacing was a bit wonky, but this is one of the longest entries so far, so it's understandable. Still, the climax (center of action in the plot) could've been more emphasized on. It is, after all, the core of a story- holding the setting, rising action, and conclusion, together. In short, this was quite well done for a first story! With a bit more pacing and work put in the climax, I think it could be a lovely, memorable read.

Thanks man! i think if I didnt have to make it a FFFC it could work better as well.

[Taipu1]

You asked for a review, so I'm going super in-depth. Or super in-depth for me anyway.

 

Kerpin was just there for back up, really.

 

(Assuming you did this in MS word), I advise you do find and replace for 'Kerpin' to 'Keprin', as I spotted it a few times. Nice name though.

 

“You arrogance will only get you so far rock head” she tapped the top of his Kanohi three times to get signify its apparent hollowness.

 

I'm no English student, but I still find time to be pedantic about punctuation. There should be a full stop after 'rock head', and a capital for 'she'. The word 'get' here is also unnecessary. Possibly a new line as well, but like I said, I'm no English student.

 

and it want just because of his experience in military matters.

 

should be 'and it wasn't'.

 

The Ga-Matoran lent out a gentle hand towards Keprin, who sheathed his knife before taking it and lifting himself up. As he rose his eyes met hers, and their heads were unnaturally close together. Keprin looked away instantly and rubbed the back of his neck. It was the first time he had ever felt uncomfortable in Pezi’s presence although she seemed un-phased. Maybe she hadn’t really noticed it or maybe she just wasn’t bothered about the two of them being more intimate with one another.

 

I assume this all meant to be reminiscent of the Hewkii/Macku relationship? I like it, as someone who never took the whole non-canon romance thing. Unphased isn't hyphenated.

 

“No” She cut him off, he voice strained with effort. “I can manage.”

 

'No' needs a comma or full stop. Also 'her' voice, not 'he'.

 

Keprin knew he well enough to know she had trouble giving up.

 

'he' should be 'her' again. Easy typo to make, I know.

 

They both dove into the water, the heavy tank dragging them down further towards the ocean floor.

 

I'm gonna get super geeky here. Firstly Po-matoran have a built in aversion to water. Obviously you get characters who don't match the usual element format, but it would be very unlikely to find a Po-matoran 100% comfortable unless they'd had swimming lessons. Much like Macku gave Hewkii I guess. Perhaps a reference to learning to swim or something? I know you have a word restriction though.

 

Onto physics geeky now, 'the heavy tank dragging them down'. A tank full of air would float, unless it was made of ridiculously dense metal. Dense enough to make the average overall density of the tank, including the air inside, higher than that of water.

 

Just before he could reach out to touch them he felt a sharp, numbing pain in his right arm. He turned around to see the fish they were supposedly hunting with its teeth sunk into his limb.

 

Seemed a tad anticlimactic, perhaps a little more build up would be good, rather than 'Oh, suddenly there is a fish biting me.'

 

“I take it we’re having giant fish for dinner, then?”

 

An endearing end to an endearing story, good characterisation for a small word limit, and the plot isn't bad either.

Edited June 18, 2013 by Taipu1

[CeeCee]

Thank you, Evan. Your review is most helpful and Im not just saying that. This whole SS thing is a learning experience for me. As for anti climax, Im m well aware. I spent over half the story building up the relationship and then I was like fgrsdgfsdgfg got to do some story here XD

 

Guess Im used to writing Epics. And yeah, the plot isnt anything special but a lot of FFFCs are like that. You just have to try and make other parts of the story shine. I did my best to try and bring out the characters and the relationship between them. Thanks again though, man!

[Dual Cee]

Yeah, continuing from what Evan said about the Po-Matoran, everything of the generic personalities of the Po-Dudes works and fits. Only the water aspect, you should mention something about how he learned swimming and overcame fair of it... Since basicly no Po-Matoran we've ever seen knew how to swim, and even Hewkii, who had earned swimming lessons from Maku, didn't feel all too well down in the see of Mahri Nui. Yeah what you said in the beginning of the story is right, you spend like three quatrer of the story getting the characters know and then in two small paragraphs you meet the beast, let it attack, and kill it. You should at least spend some time describing the beast because it's hard to imagine something being dangerous if almost nothing is said about it. I liked how, in the end you switched the roles and let the Ga-Matoran kill the creature and the Po-Matoran blacking out.

 

 

 

“Keprin!” Pezi squealed, unclipping her tranquilizer harpoon from her back. She swam towards it at speed that seemed to even shock the enormous monster. She buried the harpoon deep into the fish’s brain. Its huge eyes role back, then plummeted to the ocean floor. That was the moment when Keprin blacked out.

 

Right, so the Ga-Matoran is all freaked out with the Po-Dude carrying a knife to kill the beast. And she just carries a Harpoon, which came out of nowhere

So, make it more clear why she carries an harpoon if she's being so peaceful, and also, mention she put it on her back in the beginning so you're not all suprised when she suddenly takes a harpoon from her back.

 

 

He awoke on the small boat they had travelled on. He was slumped down against the front and when he looked down at his arm he noticed his hand was placed in Pezi’s. She appeared to be asleep but Kerpin new better than that.

 

Probably already pointed out but yeah...

 

 

 

 

“You deserved that,” she said sternly, furrowing her brow. Then she started laughing. A laugh that Keprin knew was uncontrollable. He joined in too and put his arm around her.

 

So Matoran have Eyebrows now... Sure...

 

Onto physics geeky now, 'the heavy tank dragging them down'. A tank full of air would float, unless it was made of ridiculously dense metal. Dense enough to make the average overall density of the tank, including the air inside, higher than that of water.

 

 

Yeah Evan's Right, Hower one thing you could replace that with is that Matoran themselves are almost entirely metal so, yeah, the'd sink pretty fast.

[Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa]

Grammatically I cringe, but we'll talk about that later. For the moment, I want to commend you on what is (otherwise) a great story. It has a little bit of everything: romance, action, a little suspense, some mild drama free of exaggeration. As I read through the story, I noted down my thoughts. Here's the gist of my muttered soliloquy:

 

"First paragraph, so far here’s what I’m seeing: a few minor, very minor, grammar problems, a flowing eloquence, colorful description. Second paragraph, grammar problems persist and grow wrose, but good dialogue. Skilful metaphors and similes.

 

"Keep reading. Grammar’s degrading by the sentence, dialogue would flow better with a few more well-placed contractions though otherwise, still strong. Short but relevant backstory worked in seamlessly. Deepens the adorable relationship between the two Matoran.

 

"Story’s absorbing me now. Oh, yeah, pause to make notes. Grammar’s making me seasick by this point, but beneath that there’s a wonderfully flowing story. We have here believable, heartfelt characters, a little cliched maybe but nonetheless endearing for that. Romance, the way I like it. Humor. Action. Good, good.

 

"Grammar getting a little cleaner too. Keprin’s a pitiless sadist who hits a man even when he’s down. The characters are getting just a little exaggerated here, just a little, but it’s still smooth sailing.

 

"Okay, is there anything more cliched than ending with spontaneous, unaccountable laughter? The last line, nothing clever or original: intentionally pointless, to end on an irrelevant note, something general and commonplace to ground things. Like I said, nothing clever, but mechanically there’s nothing wrong with it.

 

"Cute story. Short and sweet. Well-structured, well-written; excellent work."

 

I thought what I thought while it was all still fresh in my mind, and I don't really have anything more to add. However, as you can see, my chief complaint was grammar. That grammar that will haunt my dreams tonight. That grammar that could have choked an illiterate. That grammar that I'm overdramatizing, because on the whole it wasn't that bad--believe me, I've seen worse--but was bad enough still. If you were hoping it would be overlooked, you asked the wrong person for a review. I'm a grammar nazi, friend, and I'm about to declare war on this story.

 

It’s a magical world the ocean.

 

 

Sometimes, skipping a comma where it could be grammatically correct is actually prudent for the flow. Sometimes. Not this time.

 

“I hope you’re not thinking about killing that poor creature” Pezi, the Ga-Matoran said,

 

 

First of all, that quotation should end in a comma. You seem to know this, because there were a few times when you got it right. But on the whole, you wreaked havoc on the grammatical rules of quotations.

 

As for the emboldened sentence, there are various ways to word it that would be grammatically correct. Your choice was not among them. Here are some examples:

 

Pezi the Ga-Matoran saidPezi, the Ga-Matoran, said

said Pezi the Ga-Matoran

said Pezi, the Ga-Matoran

said the Ga-Matoran Pezi

said the Ga-Matoran, Pezi by name

so spoke the Ga-Matoran endued with the nominal identity of Pezi

 

standing over him and her hands placed firmly on her hips.

 

 

With, or replace it with a comma.

 

“You can never be too careful, my dearest.” he smiled, looking up from his blade.

 

 

Well, here's the thing. If that was "he said," I would have guessed it was your intention that this was a dialogue tag and that, therefore, the quotation should have ended in a comma. But because it is "he smiled"--and think about it, you can say words, you can laugh words, but the suggested image of someone smiling these words is ludicrous--because you wrote "he smiled," I repeat, keep the period and capitalize "he."

 

“You arrogance will only get you so far rock head” she tapped the top of his Kanohi three times to get signify its apparent hollowness.

 

 

("Your" arrogance.)

 

You're missing punctuation in the quotation: in this case, a period. Then, capitalize "she."

 

“Turn around” she said . . .

 

 

That quotation should end in a comma.

 

“No” She cut him off, he voice strained with effort.

 

 

This could go either way; "she cut him off" could be a dialogue tag, or part of a separate sentence. If you add a comma to the quote and uncapitalize "she," it's a dialogue tag; leave "she" as is and put a period in the quotation, and they're two separate sentences, which is the way I prefer to do it in a case like this.

 

I'll note here, that you actually seem to have a phobic fear of dialogue tags. It's all in your head! Don't be afraid to use a few more, and to occasionally replace said with a powerful verb that lends description to the dialogue. Not, however, that you need do this all the time; appending every quotation with a dialogue tag is overly liberal and superfluous. Dodging dialogue tags can be good, too, don't get me wrong. But find a balance.

 

 

Though I didn't cover half of your grammatical errors, I've covered enough and let the others go. Here's a tip, though: proofread--your--work. Please. For all our sakes.

 

I want to conclude with one of my favorite moments from the story:

The Ga-Matoran lent out a gentle hand towards Keprin, who sheathed his knife before taking it and lifting himself up. As he rose his eyes met hers, and their heads were unnaturally close together. Keprin looked away instantly and rubbed the back of his neck. It was the first time he had ever felt uncomfortable in Pezi’s presence although she seemed un-phased. Maybe she hadn’t really noticed it or maybe she just wasn’t bothered about the two of them being more intimate with one another.

 

We've all had an experience like this, haven't we?

 

 

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith