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The Best Catch

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#1 Offline badabababa obesity

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Posted Jun 17 2013 - 11:49 PM

Wow. A date with Macku. She chose me. Let me explain.See, I've had this massive crush on Macku for the longest time, but we live in different Koros, so I don't get to see her often. I came up with the perfect solution: we send letters to each other. We've been trading letters for a few weeks, and with some...persuasion I landed a date with her in Ga-Koro this very week. All my friends were jealous when I told them. Most of them didn't believe me (BUT I HAD PROOF) so I knew this had to be the week when we made our connection. Needless to say, I high-tailed it from Po-Koro to Ga just about as soon as I could, looking about as dapper as I could. And that, if I do say so myself (I do) is preeetty dapper. Anyways, enough of the boring stuff. Let me tell you the good part.There I was. I could see her through the glass door entrance to the restaurant. She looked happy as usual, talking to passers by that, of course, she knew. She knew everyone. For a second, I was dumbfounded, and all I could think of was how gorgeous she was. See, I had never really talked to a Ga-Matoran in person before. I'd sent my share of letters, sure, but beyond that, I was totally inexperienced. I figured at first that it would be just like talking to one of the guys at a Kohlii match. But after seeing her? I knew that wasn't happening. Not like this. Not tonight. If I wanted to even think about a second date, I would have to-"Hey. Stone-head. You gonna go in or what?"I straightened my back, cracked my knuckles, and prepared to open the door."Yes, I am gonna go in. And when I'm in there, I'm gonna-""Didn't ask for your life story.""Oh. Sorry."I stepped right into that restaurant, and I sat right down at her table. "Hewkii! Nice to see you!" She said cheerfully, looking over the menu."It's nice to see you too!!!" I said, maybe a little bit forcefully? I mimicked her actions and picked up my menu. "Hewkii," she giggled, "that menu is upside down."My eyes widened and I corrected my mistake, "I meant to do that."The Ga-Matoran just shook her head, still smiling. "So...Ghekula legs? Makuta Fish?" She asked herself, browsing the carved menu. I couldn't help looking into her eyes. They were the most beautiful golden orbs I'd ever seen. "...but yeah, I'll be back in a moment, so go ahead and order." She had been speaking?! I probably needed to work on the whole listening thing. She stepped out of the booth and waved back as she left the building. About that time, the waitress stepped up to my table."Hi, my name's Guhli, and I'll be your server tonight. What can I get for you?""Hmm...can I get the Ruki fish tray?" I had no idea what this was, but it sounded good. "I'll have for you in a few minutes."Indeed, it was in front of me in a few minutes. And along with it, Macku was back. She ordered a...well, I can't remember what she ordered, but it sounded pretty awesome. Anyways, it wasn't important. What was important was that she saw my order, and those gold orbs of hers began tearing up. "Uh...Macku?" I was at a loss. I had literally never witnessed anything like this. "Is...is that Ruki?"I nodded. She explained to me that she had once had a friend. A very good friend. A friend she thought she'd never lose. But she did lose her. One day, they were just swimming and fishing. Living (what I guess is) the dream for Ga-Koroans. The next day, she was gone. No traces. Nothing left. She was just gone. And her favorite meal-"Hi, my name's Guhli-""WE ARE HAVING A MOMENT."-was Ruki. She always ordered it. And when I ordered that same meal, she remembered her friend. I don't really know, but I think that's why we hit off so well. We talked for hours until the restaurant closed. Then we sat by the dock and talked some more. She told me she'd teach me how to swim. I told her I'd help her find a new friend. Maybe, I could even be that friend. I think I love Macku. I think she might love me too.----Edit log-13/20 - A few grammatical fixes, some rewording

Edited by Shuhei Hisagi, Jun 18 2013 - 01:01 PM.

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"It comes with the job," Halfimus explained, "I'm not paid enough to give anything outside quick flavour descriptions."
 
So pay me more AuRon.


#2 Offline CeeCee

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Posted Jun 18 2013 - 05:26 AM

This is honestly great. It feels very genuine. and you pulled of the first person narrative exceptionly. Some writers, including myself, have trouble with that,but this is great. It tottally wasnt what I expected it to be and it had some great humour mixed in. Definatly a good contender. Good luck!
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#3 Offline SonicBOOM XS

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Posted Jun 18 2013 - 10:39 AM

A few typos and grammar errors aside, the story's a good one overall.

 

For the record, I'd have put Ga-Matoran over Ga-Koroans, but your call :P


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Undergoing Renovations...


#4 Offline Pokemon Trainer N

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Posted Jun 18 2013 - 01:39 PM

[color=#4b0082;]Let me just begin by agreeing with everyone else who has posted here -- this is a great story, very genuine. I particularly enjoy your use of parentheses and the occasional piece of speech to interrupt the narrator, something about it just makes it feel more realistic; rather than having an uninterrupted monologue we have a stream of thought, broken up by the occasional interruption.[/color]

[color=#4b0082;]Past that, I only have one little nitpick:[/color] 

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'Trebuchet MS';]Needless to say, I high-tailed it from Po-Koro to Ga just about as soon as I could, looking about as dapper as I could.[/color]

 

 

[color=#4b0082;]While I understand that this may be a deliberate use of repetition, something about the use of 'as I could' twice in the same sentence irks me.[/color]

 

[color=#4b0082;]But, as I said before, it's a little thing, barely noticable in the overall story. I'd love to say more, but there really isn't much more to say -- this is a good piece of work. For the duration of this short story you managed to convert me from someone who didn't like the Hewkii/Macku ship because of Matoran not really functioning that way in canon to a big supporter, which is a fairly impressive achievement. :P[/color]

 

- [color=#4b0082;]Indecisive[/color] Individual


Edited by Indecisive Individual, Jun 18 2013 - 01:39 PM.

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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

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"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#5 Offline badabababa obesity

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Posted Jun 23 2013 - 10:41 AM

This is honestly great. It feels very genuine. and you pulled of the first person narrative exceptionly. Some writers, including myself, have trouble with that,but this is great. It tottally wasnt what I expected it to be and it had some great humour mixed in. Definatly a good contender. Good luck!

Thanks man! I've been having writer's block lately, but this assisted in breaking me out to some degree.

 

A few typos and grammar errors aside, the story's a good one overall.

 

For the record, I'd have put Ga-Matoran over Ga-Koroans, but your call :P

 

Over the RPG forum, not everyone who lives in Ga-Koro is a Ga-Matoran, so I guess that's a bad habit I've kept. :P

[color=#4b0082;]Let me just begin by agreeing with everyone else who has posted here -- this is a great story, very genuine. I particularly enjoy your use of parentheses and the occasional piece of speech to interrupt the narrator, something about it just makes it feel more realistic; rather than having an uninterrupted monologue we have a stream of thought, broken up by the occasional interruption.[/color]

[color=#4b0082;]Past that, I only have one little nitpick:[/color] 

[color=rgb(0,0,0);font-family:'Trebuchet MS';]Needless to say, I high-tailed it from Po-Koro to Ga just about as soon as I could, looking about as dapper as I could.[/color]

 

 

[color=#4b0082;]While I understand that this may be a deliberate use of repetition, something about the use of 'as I could' twice in the same sentence irks me.[/color]

 

[color=#4b0082;]But, as I said before, it's a little thing, barely noticable in the overall story. I'd love to say more, but there really isn't much more to say -- this is a good piece of work. For the duration of this short story you managed to convert me from someone who didn't like the Hewkii/Macku ship because of Matoran not really functioning that way in canon to a big supporter, which is a fairly impressive achievement. :P[/color]

 

- [color=#4b0082;]Indecisive[/color] Individual

 

Hmm, thanks for the review! I'm glad I could turn you to the Mackii/Hewcku side.


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BZPRPG Profiles

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"It comes with the job," Halfimus explained, "I'm not paid enough to give anything outside quick flavour descriptions."
 
So pay me more AuRon.


#6 Offline Velox

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Posted Jun 28 2013 - 01:55 PM

Official SSCC Review

 

First off, I really apologize for the slight delay on this--the Flash Fiction Marathon came up suddenly and has taken a lot of my time. Never fear, I am here with a review at last! So without further ado, let's begin.

 

Overall, this is definitely a very sweet and charming story. The voice used throughout is interesting--definitely extremely chatty, and moreso than usual in a short story. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. It works well, and is consistent throughout, so that's good at the very least. Another thing it accomplishes is that it makes it very personal at times, which can be very good in a story like this.

 

However, one of my main problems was that sometimes things went too far--almost to the point of slapstick humor, you could say, that really draws away from the story itself. The biggest part that this comes out is toward the end when you say "we're having a moment" in all caps. Perhaps that was meant to be humorous, but it just felt out of place to me. It's a sad/sweet story, but then there's that line that "ruins the moment", if you will. If that was intentional (i.e., supposed to be comedic and not serious), then I think there should be a lot more humor throughout, so that the entire story is more comedic/funny. If it wasn't intentional, then I think it should be removed or changed, so that the focus is once again on the emotions of the moment.

 

For me personally, emotions are incredibly fun to work with, and I felt that a lot more could've been put into this (if it was indeed meant as a serious piece--if not, ignore this =P). To make the tragedy even more tragic and heartbreaking, etc. 

 

The plot itself moves quickly, but not overly quickly I don't think, so well done there. The dialogue also feels natural, the descriptions were well-done, etc.--overall the writing itself had very few problems. The only other things I want to mention are various nitpicks:

 

I came up with the perfect solution: we send letters to each other.

 

Not sure I'd consider this "perfect". It is a solution, and definitely a great thing, but I just feel like "perfect" would be able to see each other in person every day or something, whereas this is an acceptable solution. Yeah, not a huge deal, but like I said, nitpicks. =P

 

We've been trading letters for a few weeks, and with some...persuasion I landed a date with her in Ga-Koro this very week. 

 

This was something else: why would he need to use persuasion? I felt like, with your descriptions right before this, he and Macku had become close through letter-writing etc. Maybe it's just me, but I felt like persuasion was too strong a word. *shrug*

 

I stepped right into that restaurant, and I sat right down at her table. 

 

"that" seems weird to me--I think simply "the" would work better.  

"Hewkii! Nice to see you!" She said cheerfully, looking over the menu.

 

"So...Ghekula legs? Makuta Fish?" She asked herself,

 

There may have been other times, but these were the two I noticed: in both cases, "she" should be uncapitalized. it follows the same rules as a comma, because technically the "she asked/said" is still part of the same sentence, even though there's an exclamation point/question mark. So:

 

"Hello!" she said.

"Hello?" she said.

"Hello," she said. 

 

Hopefully that clears things up.

 

 

Anyway, that's about it. Again, I thought this was definitely a really nice and sweet story. Keep writing! ^^


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