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Amethyst: Review Topic

amethyst review criticism

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#1 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jul 23 2013 - 12:20 PM

9348594868_007a45874f_c.jpg

 

The Story

 

It's been a while. And this story has been in development longer than that while, and it's finally done. Yayz! Party! :happydance: This epic is entirely prewritten, and is not part of a series, past, present, or future. Okay, if I get a bunch of fans clamoring for a sequel or some insanity like that I might do it, but the last time I did that the results were chopped up by a six-month downtime and read by no one. I am not eager to repeat the experience.
 
This will be released on a reasonable basis (weekly, unless I feel I need to accelerate) and will reach an end, with all the loose ends tied up. It will also have 16 chapters.
And all comments, suggestions, notations, mathematical equations, theories (yeah, like I'm going to get theories :P), long-winded critical reviews, short-winded critical reviews, blatant complaints about how bad my writing is, likes/dislikes, and anything else you may have to say for whatever reason is welcome. Mega-bonus points, cookies, and cheese will be handed out freely. :P
 
Go forth!


Edited by fishers64, Dec 04 2013 - 03:06 PM.

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#2 Offline krikanalo

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Posted Jul 23 2013 - 06:27 PM

interesting start. your pacing is good, there's a lot of vivid details, and the original characters you've made are developed well and (i presume) interact well with the canon ones. i will follow!


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#3 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Jul 25 2013 - 09:23 PM

I saw this, figured, why not read and review? :)I liked the intro section. Very mysterious. A great hook.

Turaga Kali, Turaga of Plasma, was trying very very hard not to laugh his head off. For one thing, it would disrupt his friend’s pinpoint and precise concentration as he piloted his plasma-fired flying vehicle at ridiculously fast speeds. For another thing, this robot was very cold and quiet and any sound would likely echo for miles.
This paragraph confused me; I had to re-read it several times to get it. Even then, I'm not sure I get the last sentence. Is "this robot" the vehicle they're flying? Or the giant robot I presume they're in? And if they're flying what sounds like a rocket, wouldn't that drown out any laughter and also already be heard for miles? Or does "plasma-fired" not mean what I thought it meant?Anywho, once I got the gist I like that section too.I was also confused as to whether the 'monster' he chased was actually Trinuma or something else. But still, an interesting story so far. Can't wait to find out why a Toa and a Turaga are stealing from the Order. :)

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#4 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jul 30 2013 - 10:29 AM

Chapter 2 I'll just say that this chapter is a slight risk that I couldn't avoid. You will know it when you see it. 

 

interesting start. your pacing is good, there's a lot of vivid details, and the original characters you've made are developed well and (i presume) interact well with the canon ones. i will follow!

Exactly what I was going for. Hopefully I will continue to do this throughout the story. :) 

I saw this, figured, why not read and review? :)

Good to have you reading, bones. :)  

I liked the intro section. Very mysterious. A great hook.

 Thank you. Also, exactly what I was going for. Hope the story can deliver.  

 

Turaga Kali, Turaga of Plasma, was trying very very hard not to laugh his head off. For one thing, it would disrupt his friend’s pinpoint and precise concentration as he piloted his plasma-fired flying vehicle at ridiculously fast speeds. For another thing, this robot was very cold and quiet and any sound would likely echo for miles.

This paragraph confused me; I had to re-read it several times to get it. Even then, I'm not sure I get the last sentence. Is "this robot" the vehicle they're flying? Or the giant robot I presume they're in? And if they're flying what sounds like a rocket, wouldn't that drown out any laughter and also already be heard for miles? Or does "plasma-fired" not mean what I thought it meant? Anywho, once I got the gist I like that section too.

 

And there's the brass tacks I expected. :P 1) Yes, they're flying though the giant robot. I edited this in:  

Turaga Kali, Turaga of Plasma, was trying very very hard not to laugh his head off. For one thing, it would disrupt his friend’s pinpoint and precise concentration as he piloted his plasma-fired flying vehicle at ridiculously fast speeds. For another thing, the robot they were flying though was very cold and quiet and any sound would likely echo for miles.

 

I actually had that red-inked on the original draft; I don't know how it didn't get in there.

 

2) "Plasma-fired" is not the best word choice. :wince: More like "plasma-powered". Basically I viewed it as a vehicle that emits a plasma-field below it to keep it aloft, with a couple of turbine-like devices (thermal displacement...I really need a picture) on the back to make it go fast.

It's not a rocket. Also, Tacker would put silencers on it and design it to muffle any noise he could, if only because he was stealing tablets from the Order. (Other reasons will become clear later. :)) 3) This is Kali's thinking, and Kali is being paranoid, as the cockpit for that vehicle is actually closed. :P (More reasons for this will be coming up later as well. :evilgrin:

I was also confused as to whether the 'monster' he chased was actually Trinuma or something else.

 That was intentional. Tacker thinks it's Trinuma briefly. Whether it is, and who or what it is will be revealed later. :) 

But still, an interesting story so far. Can't wait to find out why a Toa and a Turaga are stealing from the Order. :)

  ^_^


Edited by fishers64, Jul 30 2013 - 10:36 AM.

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#5 Offline krikanalo

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Posted Jul 30 2013 - 02:11 PM

another great chapter. keep it up.

 

 [color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]“Remember, Tacker, most Toa have to fight to defeat their enemies. We have to fight to make sure that there are enemies [/color]left [color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]to fight."[/color]

best line. interesting interpretation of an average toa's mindset.

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]"Tacker" Kali grumbled. [/color]

no punctuation mark at the end of the line of dialogue

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]It was clear that the Toa and the other defenders [/color][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]were[/color][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]n’t out to kill him, merely to figure out what he was doing[/color]

why did the font suddenly get so small? (in the actual story, anyway. i didn't render it here)


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#6 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Aug 01 2013 - 04:55 PM

He was impaled on a diagonal ledge, limbs flailing about for purchase that would not come.

Did you mean literally impaled? :P He doesn't sound impaled...

 

Interesting advice memories about being a Toa of Plasma. Makes sense.

 

"Tacker" Kali grumbled.

Missed comma.

 

Hello, Mahri. Nice intro to them, heh. So this puts things in context. I'm getting the sense there are two distinct things going on -- the Skakdi attack (including stealing the Ignika) and whatever is going on with those tablets which is the personal thing with Tacker (and so far seems almost totally mysterious). Am I getting that right?

 

Also, am I correct that the "machines" mentioned are some kind of transport? I was unclear on that part, and also unsure if I was supposed to be.

 

Likewise to krikanalo's question about the font.

 

I'll just say that this chapter is a slight risk that I couldn't avoid. You will know it when you see it.

I must admit I don't know what you mean. :P

 

the robot they were flying though

I assume you meant through.

 

Re: "whether Trinuma" -- maybe add a question mark to when he thinks it's Trinuma. At first I took it as confirmation he recognized Trinuma, but it sounds like that's not what you were going for. (It's the exclamation point, I think, that confused me.)

 

Well, a very fun chapter, with some really great characterization. Clarified the situation somewhat but kept it largely enigmatic. I also noticed some familiar strategies of narration in the opening action. :P

 

Oh, and I liked the statement that he was going over what he knew and didn't know, without actually telling us what that is. That was a trick I picked up from A Wrinkle in Time, versus having a rule that character thoughts = mentioned by narrator. It lets the reader know that the character isn't mindless, without ruining spoilers. Plus  can make it more realistic without boring the reader with endless thoughts. And it's a good way to let the reader know, "I'm not an info dumper type of writer" which is always good.


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#7 Offline fishers64

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Posted Aug 05 2013 - 09:10 PM

Chapter 3Releasing this one a bit early to allow me to focus on other very important things. :P 

another great chapter. keep it up. 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]“Remember, Tacker, most Toa have to fight to defeat their enemies. We have to fight to make sure that there are enemies [/color][/font]left [color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]to fight."[/color][/font]

best line. interesting interpretation of an average toa's mindset.

 

Thanks. 

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]"Tacker" Kali grumbled. [/color][/font]

no punctuation mark at the end of the line of dialogue

 

 

 

"Tacker" Kali grumbled.

Missed comma.

 

Edited to fix. 

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]It was clear that the Toa and the other defenders [/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]were[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);][font="helvetica;"]n’t out to kill him, merely to figure out what he was doing[/color][/font]

why did the font suddenly get so small? (in the actual story, anyway. i didn't render it here)

 

 Posting glitch. Fixed.  

 

He was impaled on a diagonal ledge, limbs flailing about for purchase that would not come.

Did you mean literally impaled? :P He doesn't sound impaled...

 

 Okay, the idea was to create the idea of him being pinned to the train by the high speed. (Yes, the train was the idea, but logically Tacker wouldn't know the word train, and I had to describe it without using that word. It might become clearer later, but I view the SMians as being advanced before the Shattering, thus the leftover tracks, and Mr. Dreams-become-reality over there can do what he wants to further himself, so yeah.) 

Interesting advice memories about being a Toa of Plasma. Makes sense.

Glad that worked out.  

Hello, Mahri. Nice intro to them, heh. So this puts things in context. I'm getting the sense there are two distinct things going on -- the Skakdi attack (including stealing the Ignika) and whatever is going on with those tablets which is the personal thing with Tacker (and so far seems almost totally mysterious). Am I getting that right?

That's what I was going for here. :ziplip: 

Also, am I correct that the "machines" mentioned are some kind of transport? I was unclear on that part, and also unsure if I was supposed to be.

 It is a transport, yes. And it was supposed to be totally clear. (Am I noting a trend: fishers does not describe vehicles well? :P

 

I'll just say that this chapter is a slight risk that I couldn't avoid. You will know it when you see it.

I must admit I don't know what you mean. :P

 

Good. I slowed down the action a bit, and left a whole section of just thinking. I was hoping the mystery regarding Tacker would be enough to hold interest.  

 

the robot they were flying though

I assume you meant through.

 

Yep. It's correct in the story, but I must have goofed the review topic post.  

Re: "whether Trinuma" -- maybe add a question mark to when he thinks it's Trinuma. At first I took it as confirmation he recognized Trinuma, but it sounds like that's not what you were going for. (It's the exclamation point, I think, that confused me.)

Sorry for the confusion. This guy is paranoid lol and really jumpy, so the first shadow he sees he thinks is the enemy, and it's pretty strong. Not sure what to do here - it's only in chapter 2 that he realizes he jumped to a conclusion and rushed to verify it and stop it before thinking things through, not before.   

Well, a very fun chapter, with some really great characterization. Clarified the situation somewhat but kept it largely enigmatic. I also noticed some familiar strategies of narration in the opening action. :P Oh, and I liked the statement that he was going over what he knew and didn't know, without actually telling us what that is. That was a trick I picked up from A Wrinkle in Time, versus having a rule that character thoughts = mentioned by narrator. It lets the reader know that the character isn't mindless, without ruining spoilers. Plus  can make it more realistic without boring the reader with endless thoughts. And it's a good way to let the reader know, "I'm not an info dumper type of writer" which is always good.

 I'm not sure what you're getting at with the comment about narration strategy, but that particular method I acquired in 10th grade English, which is four years ago now, predating BZP. (Bionicle could have been an influence, I don't know.) The idea is to cut needless language and keep the story moving along.  And I have never read A Wrinkle in Time. I might have picked that trick up from you, if only because my excuse for keeping it was "How does one write an Ito POV in Endless Blue without giving everything away?" :P. But mostly I was forced into this by story logic - Tacker would logically think about this, but the reader doesn't want to know all the Skakdi attacks and defenses, and I as the lazy writer didn't want to think of them all, and if I did it would reveal spoilers and slow down the story way too much and just make a mess.  You may find a unintenional nod or two to the BP in here, if only because I read it and thought about it, and that might have been what that narration comment above was trying to imply. Was it?


Edited by fishers64, Aug 05 2013 - 09:54 PM.

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#8 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Aug 06 2013 - 01:01 AM

that might have been what that narration comment above was trying to imply. Was it?

Not really. I learned it from a fiction professor and professional editor who said that this is now considered the rule in published fiction. But I've noticed that many fanfic writers don't know it so when I see it that makes me think "edumacation FTW!" :P

 

And yeah, I totally didn't get that that was a train... I guess it never would have occurred to me to have trains in Bionicle, but no reason they couldn't (as they're practical; we still use 'em). I think the problem in that case was the description was at the end of the previous chapter and I was busy and by the time I read the next chapter, the "impaled" line failed to bring to memory the earlier description. Now that I read back for the context I do think it's clear. Maybe some kind of reminder at the chapter open will help.

 

Actually I wouldn't see a problem with using "train." He could perhaps think a moment later, "Oh yeah, there was this theory of these ancient vehicles they called trains". I dunno, might feel jarring. Maybe "track-trucks" or something if you wanna avoid the whole railroad-real-world connotation.

 

On to 3:

 

I liked the breaking into Goldiflocks' castle, and the fear of "what if he meets Goldy?" since we as fans know what that is (well, so far as that goes), while he is clueless about why that would be a bad idea. Well, not entirely -- he did catch the obvious mind-control but appears to think it's a device (a nice bit of realism there since simple misunderstandings like that could happen). Though it does turn out Goldy holds this back.

 

Is it intentional that Tacker doesn't seem to think of the Golden Skakdi as taller than normal or possibly a fusion? Is this different from canon here? 'Cuz BS01 says it's 12 ft tall.

 

“Makuta’s Spiriah’s experiments are impressive” Tacker said.

Comma. A few more are missed shortly after. I think I saw a period that should have been a comma (due to being followed by lowercase "said") earlier too.

 

Well, we keep getting more understanding of the current situation with tantalizing glimpses into the past. It appears that Tacker once witnessed some kind of mass murder.

 

The thing about "the Toa stole it from us" was interesting. Did I understand it right that at least in this version of events, after the prototype robot crumbled, Skakdi captured the Ignika before the Toa had it and it spoke to the populace? (If anything like that happened in canon I must have missed it.)


Edited by bonesiii, Aug 06 2013 - 01:04 AM.

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#9 Offline krikanalo

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Posted Aug 06 2013 - 05:40 PM

great chapter. really well paced.

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]After all, how could you steal a Spirit?[/color]

that's a good question, actually. very thought-provoking.

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]But if the Skakdi had a mind-control device, best not to take any risks.[/color]

What I wouldn’t give for a Matatu, but then I wouldn’t be able to escape.

these two sentences read kind of awkwardly imo. maybe you should add some extra words or punctuation marks to make them flow better.

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]Instead, he calmly walked over to the being. Twenty Skakdi pointed weapons at him. Tacker ignored that and calmly extended a hand to the being.[/color] 

hoo hoo hoooo :B well played tacker


Edited by krikanalo, Aug 06 2013 - 05:41 PM.

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#10 Offline fishers64

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Posted Aug 12 2013 - 12:42 PM

Chapter 4

 

that might have been what that narration comment above was trying to imply. Was it?

Not really. I learned it from a fiction professor and professional editor who said that this is now considered the rule in published fiction. But I've noticed that many fanfic writers don't know it so when I see it that makes me think "edumacation FTW!" :P

 

If you're saying that your education is for the win because it allows you to notice stuff like this, great! But if you were thinking "fishers is educated and knows this strategy that most fanfic writers don't." eh...sorry to burst the bubble but I don't think I know it either (or if I do know it, I stumbled on it by accident, if that's possible). But let me make sure I'm right about this section (chapter 2's "opening action"): 

Tacker landed on his side, rolling onto his stomach. Waited to feel the pain of being crushed. Instead, he felt the dizzying sensation of backward motion, the wind pouring over his sore back, and slipping and flailing. He was impaled on a diagonal ledge, limbs flailing about for purchase that would not come.The thing curved erratically, and Tacker received a face full of dust. He sat up, and opened his eyes. The thing was gone. He coughed and spat. He hurt all over. So it was the Skakdi, wasn’t it? Thought they could throw us all off balance. With that, Tacker stood up, looking down at the rails lying in the sand. That was how his enemies knew that the machine would be here to do him in. The machine ran on these rails.

Basically, I view this as an impression list of physical sensations that Tacker is experiencing - without explicitly giving the reason behind them (that's meta-stuff that I cut out). Also, I implied with the "waiting to feel the pain of being crushed" line that Tacker is focused on physical sensations right there. (That's what I developed in 10th grade English.)But I think you're referring to something else here. What? 

And yeah, I totally didn't get that that was a train... I guess it never would have occurred to me to have trains in Bionicle, but no reason they couldn't (as they're practical; we still use 'em). I think the problem in that case was the description was at the end of the previous chapter and I was busy and by the time I read the next chapter, the "impaled" line failed to bring to memory the earlier description. Now that I read back for the context I do think it's clear. Maybe some kind of reminder at the chapter open will help. Actually I wouldn't see a problem with using "train." He could perhaps think a moment later, "Oh yeah, there was this theory of these ancient vehicles they called trains". I dunno, might feel jarring. Maybe "track-trucks" or something if you wanna avoid the whole railroad-real-world connotation.

 I'll try to keep this in mind for future stories. :P I don't plan the chapter breaks out ahead - my instinct places them in, then I correct them for length and clarity, and this is one of the cases where my memory places me at a disadvantage. :P (This happens more than you might think. :lol: Not that I have an excuse.) If I put a nod in there I might have broken my narration strategy, right?Probably the best solution is would be to begin Chapter 2 with the POV that started with "The world shook Tacker awake". There's sort of a reason I cut it there, though, mostly to bring the Skakdi into the first chapter, since just about everything is there. (Well, okay, everything Tacker centered. There's a lot of reasons why I structured that chapter the way I did.)Also, one of the major concerns in writing this - and just in general when writing - is that the errors in logic I make distract people from what I'm trying to get across. The "impaled" line is an example. :( Also, the "whether Trinuma" error/confusion might have distracted you from some important hints to some mysteries in here. That's all I'm going to say... 

On to 3: I liked the breaking into Goldiflocks' castle, and the fear of "what if he meets Goldy?" since we as fans know what that is (well, so far as that goes), while he is clueless about why that would be a bad idea. Well, not entirely -- he did catch the obvious mind-control but appears to think it's a device (a nice bit of realism there since simple misunderstandings like that could happen). Though it does turn out Goldy holds this back.

It's good that you note this. Why Goldy holds back is important. 

Is it intentional that Tacker doesn't seem to think of the Golden Skakdi as taller than normal or possibly a fusion? Is this different from canon here? 'Cuz BS01 says it's 12 ft tall.

Not really. Honestly, Tacks is very focused on potential threats, not on how tall this guy is, is my excuse - although I unintentionally refer to this later, so it's the same as canon. 

 

“Makuta’s Spiriah’s experiments are impressive” Tacker said.

Comma. A few more are missed shortly after. I think I saw a period that should have been a comma (due to being followed by lowercase "said") earlier too.

 

Yeesh. This happens to me all the time. 

Well, we keep getting more understanding of the current situation with tantalizing glimpses into the past. It appears that Tacker once witnessed some kind of mass murder.

That's correct. 

The thing about "the Toa stole it from us" was interesting. Did I understand it right that at least in this version of events, after the prototype robot crumbled, Skakdi captured the Ignika before the Toa had it and it spoke to the populace? (If anything like that happened in canon I must have missed it.)

No. Zaktan (as the Golden Being), is referring to his quest to get it in 2006. "stole" might be too harsh, given that he gives it to Calmahri (but I like to think that he's glad to have it now and wasn't happy about losing it). Also keep it mind that the Golden Fusion refers to itself as "we", which can get confusing here - I decided to embrace that from Sahmad's Tale instead of throw it out. So it's "the Toa stole it from (we the Golden Fusion)" instead of refering to all the Skakdi here. This makes sense because all the Piraka are in the fusion, and the other pieces aren't objecting too bad. (I could go even further and say that the all the beings in fusion are greedy like that, but I think that's eccessive).I tried to follow the canon rules for the canon stuff. I'm just weird like that - it's easier for me to follow rules than to invent new ones, less headaches. At one point I had Tacker walk all the way around the Skakdi fortress, but that appeared to Kopaka as big as Metru Nui, so I cut that. The thing is about this story, it could have happened in canon - at least, I tried to make it that way. I don't think it will happen though, for reasons I can't say yet.FTR, I view this story occuring post-Sahmad's tale, and the fortress/castle thing being back after Annona rattled it. This fits with the timetable for the Golden Being's declaration that he's not sitting idle at the fortress, and allows for an appearance of a character that otherwise could not canonically appear, if you believe a line in Sahmad's Tale as literal canon fact. (It's not Sahmad or Annona, I'll say that much.) Actually, she appears in chapter 4, I think...*checks*. Yep. 

great chapter. really well paced. 

[color=#282828;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]After all, how could you steal a Spirit?[/color][/font]

that's a good question, actually. very thought-provoking. 

[color=#282828;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]But if the Skakdi had a mind-control device, best not to take any risks.[/color][/font]

What I wouldn’t give for a Matatu, but then I wouldn’t be able to escape.

these two sentences read kind of awkwardly imo. maybe you should add some extra words or punctuation marks to make them flow better. 

[color=#282828;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]Instead, he calmly walked over to the being. Twenty Skakdi pointed weapons at him. Tacker ignored that and calmly extended a hand to the being.[/color][/font] 

hoo hoo hoooo :B well played tacker

 

Tacker is a bit of a cool cat, yes. :)The sentences - I don't see it. :( "Matatu" might have slowed down the second one, though.


Edited by fishers64, Aug 12 2013 - 12:43 PM.

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#11 Offline krikanalo

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Posted Aug 12 2013 - 03:59 PM

another well-written chapter. keep it up. the fourth wall breakage (?) was a bit confusing, but you made it work.

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]A golden face looked from behind the bars, which he unlocked.  He simply held out his hand to the Toa.[/color]

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;] [/color][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]Tacker took it.[/color]

best lines


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#12 Offline fishers64

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Posted Aug 19 2013 - 12:14 PM

Chapter 5

 

another well-written chapter. keep it up. the fourth wall breakage (?) was a bit confusing, but you made it work.

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]A golden face looked from behind the bars, which he unlocked.  He simply held out his hand to the Toa.[/color]

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;] [/color][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]Tacker took it.[/color]

best lines

Where did I break the fourth wall?


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#13 Offline krikanalo

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Posted Aug 19 2013 - 01:15 PM

Where did I break the fourth wall?

huh. i swear the golden being was messing with the narration. maybe i'm confusing this story with another.

 

great chapter, by the way. i especially liked the introduction of kinshasa. clever inspiration for a name, that.


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#14 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Aug 20 2013 - 04:19 PM

4:Starting with grammar type stuffs.

“That would be very accurate.”  Kali looked up from the crowded eatery to see a robed being, face covered, advancing toward him.
Given that Kali is not the one talking these should be separate paragraphs.

you don’t look like from around here.
like you're

normally quiet diner was starting at the startling interruption
mind-bending juxtoposition of starting and startling; suggest changing first. To what I dunno.

He breathed nervously. If Tobduk found out he was doing this…  The left wall of the diner exploded. He found himself down on the floor, weakening…but he didn't see Tobduk anywhere...
Extra space 'tween 'graphs.

He stood up, shaking. TheOrderfoundmeandI’mgoingtobetrappedhereforeversonobodywilleverknowandtheSkakdiwillkillme…Somewhere in the distance Tacker heard loud screams.Nonono…Tacker
I get the squished-words sentence but I wouldn't recommend squishing the spaces 'tween sentences after it.

“This way” the Sister said
Comma.Anywho, this chapter threw a few wrenches into the mix. A Sister is involved, but whether related to plot we've seen before is unclear. Trinuma is back and it appears there's more to the Plasma community than we've seen...And then there's Kali's closing claim. Undead... fascinating. >__>By the way, the descriptions like of action and the emotions going on here were very clear and interesting.5:And now it's clear Goldy is actually helping Tacker escape the Order. Clearly much more going on here than what the surface of events at the start seemed. I do hope we get some idea to clarify the direction all this is headed soon though.

“My friends” said Tacker
Comma.Okay, so we have two connections to the title, three if you count Trinuma's statement at the end. And another planet is involved somehow. Interesting that nobody seemed surprised by this. Does this story take place much later than the 2010 storyline?And creepy alien. Bugs eating his face? Or eating something on his face? Regardless, it seems we do have a loose direction now.*reads your reply here* Okay, so the timing is clarified, and the question becomes how did an alien get here (assuming he's telling the truth).

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#15 Offline fishers64

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Posted Aug 23 2013 - 12:15 PM

Chapter 6 I'm releasing this one early, since it has no Tacky POV. Chapter 7 will have a longer Tacker POV and start to round this up; they're connected.  

 

Where did I break the fourth wall?

huh. i swear the golden being was messing with the narration. maybe i'm confusing this story with another. great chapter, by the way. i especially liked the introduction of kinshasa. clever inspiration for a name, that.

 

This entire section is from Tacker's perspective. However, I won't rule out the possibility that the Golden Being has some...influence...on that perspective. :P And Kinshasa's name comes from two things. I took it from the name of a refugee town from the book Outcasts United. But I'm sure there's another reason why that name stood out, and it comes off the same idea. :shrugs: *goes to fix type errors* 

4: [...] Anywho, this chapter threw a few wrenches into the mix. A Sister is involved, but whether related to plot we've seen before is unclear. Trinuma is back and it appears there's more to the Plasma community than we've seen... And then there's Kali's closing claim. Undead... fascinating. >__> By the way, the descriptions like of action and the emotions going on here were very clear and interesting.

 I warn you, Kali is speaking symbolicallyish there. (Kali... :no:)  

5: And now it's clear Goldy is actually helping Tacker escape the Order. Clearly much more going on here than what the surface of events at the start seemed. I do hope we get some idea to clarify the direction all this is headed soon though.

 

And creepy alien. Bugs eating his face? Or eating something on his face? Regardless, it seems we do have a loose direction now.  *reads your reply here* Okay, so the timing is clarified, and the question becomes how did an alien get here (assuming he's telling the truth).

 Yeah, I knew having those two characters enter the story when they did was a risk. The alien especially - I make note to avoid this in future stories. Unfortunately, the story logic dictated it. At first, it seems like they aren't really important to the story, but they are. 

 

And to the latter, this chapter should provide an answer to that. :) (There's a couple more details you all will see later, but for the most part, you know it.) Chapter 7 and onwards will start to round this up (but not too quickly).   

Okay, so we have two connections to the title, three if you count Trinuma's statement at the end. And another planet is involved somehow. Interesting that nobody seemed surprised by this. Does this story take place much later than the 2010 storyline?

 No. Obviously some time has passed, but maybe a week or two. Not years - and there is a in-story reason why. (Hint: Beings are traveling through the MN robot at the beginning of the story.)


Edited by fishers64, Aug 23 2013 - 03:05 PM.

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#16 Offline krikanalo

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Posted Aug 23 2013 - 12:23 PM

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]But I'm sure there's another reason why that name stood out, and it comes off the same idea. [/color] :shrugs:

kinshasa is the capital of the democratic republic of the congo and a naming choice like that isn't something you normally see with bionicle OCs, let alone the actual toyline itself

 

but besides that... interesting chapter, if a bit short. very compelling. i liked the dialogue.

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]“Careful”[/color]

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]“Indeed, I am an old fool”[/color]

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]“Move”[/color]

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]“Trap”[/color]

forgot to put punctuation marks at the end


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#17 Offline fishers64

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Posted Oct 30 2013 - 08:28 PM

In the wake of the data loss: 

 

1) I have everyone's reviews saved. http://webcache.goog...n&ct=clnk&gl=us

 

That should work for a while; I'll get a download link as soon as I can. I also have another backup as well, so no worries. 

 

2) I have the story saved, here.

 

Again, I also have another backup for the entire story. I seem to be missing 15 there and my response to TN with 15, but I have that saved too (I think). 

 

Shouldn't take too long to patch this up to pre-data loss...

 

7, 8, 9

 

10., 11, 12

 

13, 14 15,

 

And 16

 

Whew. 


Edited by fishers64, Nov 05 2013 - 08:25 PM.

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#18 Offline Chro

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Posted Nov 05 2013 - 11:44 PM

Very nice read, regardless of the fact that most of it made no sense to me. :lol:

 

When I last read it I was half-asleep and not thinking particularly clearly, so I'll try rereading it when I'm awake and aware. :P


Edited by Chro, Nov 08 2013 - 02:18 PM.

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#19 Offline fishers64

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Posted Nov 06 2013 - 07:37 PM

Very nice read, regardless of the fact that most of it made no sense to me. :lol:

 

May I ask why? What parts were confusing and/or nonsensical?


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#20 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Nov 14 2013 - 01:45 PM

Hey - I'm back! Unfortunately it looks like the cache link you posted above didn't actually preserve the pre-data loss posts? I might be missing something.

 

I read your story to its conclusion and I want you to know that I've enjoyed it a lot! You clearly have a creative flair for stories of intrigue and action, as well as a great mix of humour. I found that this story decidedly switched between dead serious (Matoran death) and utterly whimsical (Kali, most of the time). So it was an interesting combination, but I think it worked well since you kept the two moods very separate instead of confusing the reader with what they were supposed to feel.

 

For your next story (that I look forward to!) I advice trying to plan out your scenes with more depth and detail. By depth and detail, I mean taking time to describe things that, while not immediately important to the scene, help the reader understand the environment and place the characters and action within it accurately. Don't go overboard with describing leaves, but if they're awfully special leaves, go ahead. :P 

 

In this story, I felt that this would have helped a lot with placing everything where it was. It's one of the hardest things to translate the scene from your mind into an equally understandable scene on paper, but you can do it.

 

Thanks for the writing!


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#21 Offline fishers64

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Posted Nov 14 2013 - 08:05 PM

Yep, the caches reset today, permanently erasing stuff. :( (I ran into this when doing Memoirs stuff.) I saved the file that the cache was, though - I'll grab it and get a download link going ASAP.

 

EDIT: Here be a download link. That should have all the old reviews. *thumbs-up sign* 

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]For your next story (that I look forward to!) I advice trying to plan out your scenes with more depth and detail. By depth and detail, I mean taking time to describe things that, while not immediately important to the scene, help the reader understand the environment and place the characters and action within it accurately. Don't go overboard with describing leaves, but if they're awfully special leaves, go ahead. [/color] :P

 

In this story, I felt that this would have helped a lot with placing everything where it was. It's one of the hardest things to translate the scene from your mind into an equally understandable scene on paper, but you can do it.

 

Okay, I'll keep that in mind. :) A balance must be struck between over-describing everything (yawn) and losing the imaging, and I see that I might have edged a little too much in the latter direction. But it's an edge IMO, not a cliff, seeing as you were still able to read the story (am I reading this right?). 

 

Anyway, thanks for the review. (again) :)


Edited by fishers64, Nov 15 2013 - 12:47 PM.

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