Not really. I learned it from a fiction professor and professional editor who said that this is now considered the rule in published fiction. But I've noticed that many fanfic writers don't know it so when I see it that makes me think "edumacation FTW!"
that might have been what that narration comment above was trying to imply. Was it?
If you're saying that your education is for the win because it allows you to notice stuff like this, great! But if you were thinking "fishers is educated and knows this strategy that most fanfic writers don't." eh...sorry to burst the bubble but I don't think I know it either (or if I do know it, I stumbled on it by accident, if that's possible). But let me make sure I'm right about this section (chapter 2's "opening action"):
Tacker landed on his side, rolling onto his stomach. Waited to feel the pain of being crushed. Instead, he felt the dizzying sensation of backward motion, the wind pouring over his sore back, and slipping and flailing. He was impaled on a diagonal ledge, limbs flailing about for purchase that would not come.The thing curved erratically, and Tacker received a face full of dust. He sat up, and opened his eyes. The thing was gone. He coughed and spat. He hurt all over. So it was the Skakdi, wasn’t it? Thought they could throw us all off balance. With that, Tacker stood up, looking down at the rails lying in the sand. That was how his enemies knew that the machine would be here to do him in. The machine ran on these rails.
Basically, I view this as an impression list of physical sensations that Tacker is experiencing - without explicitly giving the reason behind them (that's meta-stuff that I cut out). Also, I implied with the "waiting to feel the pain of being crushed" line that Tacker is focused on physical sensations right there. (That's what I developed in 10th grade English.)But I think you're referring to something else here. What?
And yeah, I totally didn't get that that was a train... I guess it never would have occurred to me to have trains in Bionicle, but no reason they couldn't (as they're practical; we still use 'em). I think the problem in that case was the description was at the end of the previous chapter and I was busy and by the time I read the next chapter, the "impaled" line failed to bring to memory the earlier description. Now that I read back for the context I do think it's clear. Maybe some kind of reminder at the chapter open will help. Actually I wouldn't see a problem with using "train." He could perhaps think a moment later, "Oh yeah, there was this theory of these ancient vehicles they called trains". I dunno, might feel jarring. Maybe "track-trucks" or something if you wanna avoid the whole railroad-real-world connotation.
I'll try to keep this in mind for future stories. I don't plan the chapter breaks out ahead - my instinct places them in, then I correct them for length and clarity, and this is one of the cases where my memory places me at a disadvantage. (This happens more than you might think. Not that I have an excuse.) If I put a nod in there I might have broken my narration strategy, right?Probably the best solution is would be to begin Chapter 2 with the POV that started with "The world shook Tacker awake". There's sort of a reason I cut it there, though, mostly to bring the Skakdi into the first chapter, since just about everything is there. (Well, okay, everything Tacker centered. There's a lot of reasons why I structured that chapter the way I did.)Also, one of the major concerns in writing this - and just in general when writing - is that the errors in logic I make distract people from what I'm trying to get across. The "impaled" line is an example. Also, the "whether Trinuma" error/confusion might have distracted you from some important hints to some mysteries in here. That's all I'm going to say...
On to 3: I liked the breaking into Goldiflocks' castle, and the fear of "what if he meets Goldy?" since we as fans know what that is (well, so far as that goes), while he is clueless about why that would be a bad idea. Well, not entirely -- he did catch the obvious mind-control but appears to think it's a device (a nice bit of realism there since simple misunderstandings like that could happen). Though it does turn out Goldy holds this back.
It's good that you note this. Why Goldy holds back is important.
Is it intentional that Tacker doesn't seem to think of the Golden Skakdi as taller than normal or possibly a fusion? Is this different from canon here? 'Cuz BS01 says it's 12 ft tall.
Not really. Honestly, Tacks is very focused on potential threats, not on how tall this guy is, is my excuse - although I unintentionally refer to this later, so it's the same as canon.
Comma. A few more are missed shortly after. I think I saw a period that should have been a comma (due to being followed by lowercase "said") earlier too.
“Makuta’s Spiriah’s experiments are impressive” Tacker said.
Yeesh. This happens to me all the time.
Well, we keep getting more understanding of the current situation with tantalizing glimpses into the past. It appears that Tacker once witnessed some kind of mass murder.
The thing about "the Toa stole it from us" was interesting. Did I understand it right that at least in this version of events, after the prototype robot crumbled, Skakdi captured the Ignika before the Toa had it and it spoke to the populace? (If anything like that happened in canon I must have missed it.)
No. Zaktan (as the Golden Being), is referring to his quest to get it in 2006. "stole" might be too harsh, given that he gives it to Calmahri (but I like to think that he's glad to have it now and wasn't happy about losing it). Also keep it mind that the Golden Fusion refers to itself as "we", which can get confusing here - I decided to embrace that from Sahmad's Tale instead of throw it out. So it's "the Toa stole it from (we the Golden Fusion)" instead of refering to all the Skakdi here. This makes sense because all the Piraka are in the fusion, and the other pieces aren't objecting too bad. (I could go even further and say that the all the beings in fusion are greedy like that, but I think that's eccessive).I tried to follow the canon rules for the canon stuff. I'm just weird like that - it's easier for me to follow rules than to invent new ones, less headaches. At one point I had Tacker walk all the way around the Skakdi fortress, but that appeared to Kopaka as big as Metru Nui, so I cut that. The thing is about this story, it could have happened in canon - at least, I tried to make it that way. I don't think it will happen though, for reasons I can't say yet.FTR, I view this story occuring post-Sahmad's tale, and the fortress/castle thing being back after Annona rattled it. This fits with the timetable for the Golden Being's declaration that he's not sitting idle at the fortress, and allows for an appearance of a character that otherwise could not canonically appear, if you believe a line in Sahmad's Tale as literal canon fact. (It's not Sahmad or Annona, I'll say that much.) Actually, she appears in chapter 4, I think...*checks*. Yep.
great chapter. really well paced.
that's a good question, actually. very thought-provoking.
[color=#282828;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]After all, how could you steal a Spirit?[/color][/font]
[color=#282828;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]But if the Skakdi had a mind-control device, best not to take any risks.[/color][/font]
these two sentences read kind of awkwardly imo. maybe you should add some extra words or punctuation marks to make them flow better.
What I wouldn’t give for a Matatu, but then I wouldn’t be able to escape.
hoo hoo hoooo :B well played tacker
[color=#282828;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]Instead, he calmly walked over to the being. Twenty Skakdi pointed weapons at him. Tacker ignored that and calmly extended a hand to the being.[/color][/font]
Tacker is a bit of a cool cat, yes. :)The sentences - I don't see it. "Matatu" might have slowed down the second one, though.