AQUA MAGNA ATTACK ON MARENDAR 10.1010 THIS IS (NOT) COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT
Mata Nui fulfilled his destiny, reuniting the shattered fragments of Spherus Magna. Simultaneously, he killed his enemy the Makuta, freeing his people from a life of tyranny. It was a very convenient and mildly satisfying end to his long journey.
But all was not well. The Great Beings had, long ago, created a living weapon named Marendar, designed exclusively for the purpose of killing Toa. So, naturally, when the Toa appeared on Spherus Magna, their last-minute doomsday machine powered up and took its first steps. One could say it woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
Luckily for the good guys, Marendar decided to destroy an unpopulated area to test its power out. A few Toa happened to be nearby, and just happened to get away undetected and report back to Tahu. The valiant Toa of Fire stated that he was not afraid—they would deal with Marendar as they had with all other threats to the Matoran.
The scouts then mentioned that Marendar was a gigantic biomechanical dragon armed to the teeth…literally. It appeared to have razor-bladed rocket launchers lining the inside of its jaw.
In yet another stroke of luck, Marendar decided to take its sweet time in moving towards the Toa’s new settlement. This has given them time, but can they truly be prepared for something so monstrous?
You have three guesses.
Anyway, it is time for our story to begin…
Tahu stood atop the fortress wall, staring dramatically out at the horizon. Apparently, Toa of Fire need not worry about going blind from looking at the sun. Seriously, he does this all the time, and his vision hasn’t suffered at all.
Several people passed by. None of them knew what he was thinking, but since I’m the narrator I can just tell you: he’s wondering how best they should deal with the slowly approaching doom named Marendar. Shocking.
Tahu looked over his shoulder. A Ta-Matoran named Balta had snuck up behind him, an eager look on his face.
“Yes? What is it?” the Toa asked.
With a broad smile, Balta said, “I have something I think you’ll want to see.”
Accepting the vague invitation, Tahu followed the Matoran across the settlement, into a building, down several sets of stairs, through a long hallway, up several more flights of stairs, and onto a catwalk in a shadowy room.
Seconds passed, but nothing came of Balta’s declaration. He began to mutter to himself and took a few steps down the catwalk, feeling around for the light switch.
“The staff must be on lunch. I told them to—oh, here it is. Behold!”
The lights flashed on. Next to the catwalk stood what appeared to be a massive Exo-Toa, with a few modifications. Both arms ended in boxing claws, and electro rockets were mounted on its shoulders. It was also much more heavily armored than the original. Not to mention that it was the size of a freaking Tahtorak.
“W…what is this?” Tahu asked.
“This is how we’re going to beat Marendar,” Balta said. “I call it…Jaegar-Nui!”
“What is Jaeger?”
“That’s the word all the cool giant monster thingies are using these days. I think its Australian or something.”
“What is Australian?”
“…Never mind. Let’s just call it the Exo-Toa-Nui.”
Tahu gazed at the machine in awe. “Remarkable…I knew you were an inventor, but I thought you stuck with smaller devices. Did Nuparu help?”
“He hasn’t returned from that Skakdi fortress yet.”
“Nobody knows where he is.”
“He’s busy being a plot point.”
Tahu crossed his arms. “Then I don’t see how you were able to build something like this in such a short time.”
Balta turned away and mumbled, “Well if you’re so hung up on details, I guess you don’t want to use this to beat the circuits out of Marendar?”
A thoughtful look filled Tahu’s eyes. “Well…it is impressive…but has it been tested?”
A violent tremor suddenly shook the building. A conveniently placed PA system activated, and a Matoran frantically shouted, “It’s here! Marendar is here! It’s—AAAAUGH!!”
“Poor Matoran #4…” Balta mourned. “Well, time to go.”
“But…you didn’t say if it’s been tested.”
“We don’t have time to test it.”
“GET IN THE FLIPPING ROBOT.”
“…I could literally end you right now.”
“Sorry, just making a joke.”
Marendar casually kicked a hole in the fortress wall. Contrary to popular opinion, it was actually pretty boring being a giant biomechanical dragon. Everything you targeted instantly burst into flames the second you touched it, and come on, where’s the fun in that?
As it picked its teeth with the bones of a Toa, Marendar felt the ground shake. A gaping hole opened up in the earth not far away, accompanied by a loud humming as something rose from the depths…only to get stuck half way.
From inside the incapacitated Exo-Toa-Nui, Tahu shouted, “I thought you measured this opening?!”
“I did,” Balta said over radio. “Guess the guy who built it couldn’t read my handwriting…”
Tahu pulled a lever. In response, the Exo-Toa-Nui flexed its arms and broke its way free, allowing it to climb the rest of the way out of the elevator shaft.
“This really is ingenious,” Tahu said. “It’s so easy to pick up the controls when all you have to do is pull a lever and whatever you want to do automatically happens.”
“I know, right?” Balta said. “Anyway, time to confront Marendar! I’ll be here for moral support.”
In two quick strides, the Exo-Toa-Nui came face-to-snout with Marendar. “Marendar!” Tahu shouted. “You are not welcome here! Leave now, or I shall turn your hide to scrap!”
“I suppose so. Still, there isn’t a really good compromise in this situation.”
“What did you say about my mother?! That’s it!!”
The Exo-Toa-Nui punched Marendar’s face, launching it into the air. The dragon extended its wings and leveled out, then looked down and unleashed a burst of laser vision at the opposing mech. Tahu did his best to dodge—the robot took minimal damage.
“Is that the best you can do, monster?!”
A flurry of electro rockets were launched at Marendar, forcing it to take evasive action and eventually land. The resulting tremor threw Tahu off-guard, so Marendar leaped closer, spun around, and used its tail to flatten the Exo-Toa-Nui against the fortress wall.
“Are you okay?” Balta asked.
“I’ve been better. Look, I really don’t want to draw this out, so is there any way to increase the power of this thing?”
“Sure, just scream in rage.”
Tahu blinked. “…And…that’ll work?”
“Yeah, works all the time. Toss in some angst, too, and it’ll work even better.”
Marendar watched the Exo-Toa-Nui get back on its feet. How nice of it to wait until Tahu was ready to continue the fight! Maybe he’s not such a bad weaponized dragon thing after all…
Anyway, Tahu reared back and yelled, “RRRRRRAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH! IF I DIE HERE, MY ENTIRE KIND WILL BECOME EXTINCT!! I WAS FORCED INTO THIS FIGHT BY DESTINY—THIS WASN’T MY CHOICE! I WANTED TO BE AN OPERA SINGER! ANGEEEEEEEEER!!”
Marendar moved in and bit down on the machine’s arm. With a powerful yank on the controls, Tahu made the Exo-Toa-Nui grab Marendar, throw it into the wall, unleash close-range electro rockets, and then kick it in the gut. As the Toa breathed heavily to recover from his effort, Marendar slowly climbed back onto its feet and sighed.
“Had enough, monster?” Tahu asked.
A plasma cannon extended from Marendar’s chest and blasted the Exo-Toa-Nui. While its foe was off-balance, Marendar opened its mouth wide and fired the aforementioned razor-bladed rocket launchers to create a super awesome explosion. Explosions make everything better! Not waiting for retaliation, Marendar took off into the sky.
“You said that would work,” Tahu grumbled.
Balta shrugged. “Hey, we scared him off. He’ll be back later, and then we can redo this fight about 22 more times before ending the series in epic fashion.”
Tahu scanned the control panel. “Hm? This button says ‘Press to End Series’…”
It was too late: Tahu pressed the giant red button, and the entire world began to rattle.
“Tahu, you’ve just pressed the Gainax button!”
“But it’ll end the series, right?”
“Yes, but in a trippy way that’s totally impossible to understand! Reality …is already…”
Marendar pauses in mid-air to begin contemplating the meaning of life. Realizing life is meaningless, it power dives into the ocean. “Mary had a little lamb” starts playing as it self-destructs, sending an enormous tidal wave towards the Toa fortress. The Exo-Toa-Nui stands perfectly still.
Mumbling to himself, Tahu says, “It’s like…the universe has appendicitis…”
The tidal wave suddenly turns into a sandstorm. The Exo-Toa-Nui is buried, and seconds later the sand turns to glass. Several more seconds later, the glass expands into a snowglobe, and the Exo-Toa-Nui catches the snowflakes on a tongue that suddenly extends from its face.
Everything goes dark. Lights then flash on, and the Exo-Toa-Nui begins tap dancing. Then blue freedom cabbages lightning, bronze television phone camera flower avalanche. Asdfghjkl; qw3rihefobn f[pow84yrn32809h]PIEBNF[9WUFH M[PEJMO [w0ru]-0tiu0ih.
Pohatu walked up to the TV and removed the VHS. “That…wasn’t a good show.”
Lewa shrugged. “It was judge-rated pretty highly on the message boards.”
“What I want to know,” Gali said, “is why there were only three characters.”
Tahu smiled. “What can I say? The camera loves me.”
Kopaka rolled his eyes. “What’s next on the list?”
“Let’s see…” Onua said as he pulled out another tape. “This is ‘Accel Toppa Seven Wing’. Should we watch it?”
One by one, the other Toa made up excuses and left. “Yeah…I didn’t think so.”