Tapp's self M.O.C, Akari's dumb adventutres(Wait, is that wron

[tapp]

Sup, this is my first comedy so cut me some slack. Anyways, here are the characters

 

tapp: Writer of this amazing piece that only he, and the admin's, will see

 

Akari: tapp's self M.O.C, somewhat of a Deadpool wanna-be.

 

Other Bionicle Characters: You know these guys.

 

Now for the comedy you are probably overlooking due to my misspelling of the word adventures.

 

We meet our heroes (heroes, yeah right) in a packed diner that tapp loves.

 

Akari: So why did you call me here.

 

tapp: I wanted to tell you before we do this you need therapy in a place where you won't choke me.

 

Akari: That was that one time!!!

 

tapp:

 

Akari: Okay, several times.

 

tapp: But here's the name of the therapist. When you get back tell me what you think and how it probably didn't help you.

 

Akari: If it won't help me why would you go through the trouble.

 

tapp: We've done dumber stuff, more specifically you have.

 

Akari: I'LL BEAT YOU WITH YOUR OWN ARMS!!!

 

tapp: I'm sorry sir.

 

Akari: Bowing to your own M.O.C., shameful

 

Just at that moment, tapp punches Akari in the stomach repeatedly

 

tapp: Never call me that again .

 

Akari: So much violence , alright, I'll go.

 

Later, at the therapist office.

 

Akari: So what do I do, tell you my life story? Well let me tell you, you are not ready, doc!

 

Woman: Uhh, I'm the receptionist.

 

Akari: oh, so when do I see the shrink.

 

Receptionist: Now, actually.

 

Akari: Well that was fast.

 

Akari: So that's my story doc.

 

Kongu: But... you never said anything.

 

Akari: Oh, well. So what do I, ahh it' won't be funny anymore, thanks to SOME PEOPLE!

 

Receptionist: What did I do?

 

Kongu: How about I read your mind, so I can easy-fix your problems.

 

Akari: I feel like I know you. We go to school together? Of course not we don't have schools. You date my cousin? No impossible I don't have cousins. Are you legendary Toa Kongu?

 

Kongu: GET OUT!!!

 

Akari: Okay, okay geez!

 

That night at the apartment lair of our heroes(still can't say that with a straight face).

 

tapp: How did your session go.

 

Akari: He kicked me out.

 

tapp: I knew that would happen.

 

Akari: Doesn't he look a little like Kongu.

 

tapp: I never saw it.

 

Akari: Eh I'm sure it was just me.

 

A card falls onto the table that says, ''Doctor Toa Kongu''

 

Well that is the first installment of my comedy. Took me two hours for me to make this comedy no one will see but whatever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Radagast367]

Nice work, Tapp (the character) and, for that matter, akari, has some serious anger managment issues....... I think that the next chapter should be longer

Edited July 30, 2013 by Radagast367

[25K Now!]

Shouldn't tapp's name be capitalised?

[tahukan]

Thats a very nice story tapp all though i do agree with raddagast367 it could be longer but really good story none the less

 

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Edited July 30, 2013 by TAHU2014

[Eyru]

This is a good first try!

 

Your characters are interesting, and we quickly get to know them. While both tapp and Akari are very random in their actions and words, we begin to see the beginnings of personalities for both of them. tapp, while seemingly fond of arguing with his self-MOC, does seem to have Akari's best interests at heart, and the closing scene shows that, despite their fights, they seem to be friends. Akari is a smart-aleck, with a snappy personality and potential anger management problems.

 

However, both characters are very random, which is something you may want to work on improving: everyone should act and speak according to their personalities, and it's funnier when personalities clash to make jokes instead of using randomness. tapp and Akari, while different characters, are often hard to tell apart, simply because their voices are very similar. This is a very easy mistake to make as an author, so don't beat yourself up over it. Just work on giving each character a distinct personality, and then do your best to write as if you were them. It'll take practice, but, over time, your characters will become unique, with distinct voices and actions all their own.

 

Now, some people have already commented on the length, so I won't make a big deal about it, but your first chapter is a little short. That's fine! In the future, I would recommend writing out a general plotline, and marking out specific plot points you want to hit with each episode. That way, you'll know exactly what's in each chapter, and you'll have the right amount of content. Writing without planning often results in a very short chapters because you don't know what to fill them with, and this fixes the problem!

 

Regardless of length, your comedy does have a beginning, middle, and end, which is great! Many authors don't write a coherent story on their first try, but you've managed to set up a basic plot, which is excellent! The beginning sets up the situation (Akari is going to go to the therapist), the middle is what happens there (he confuses the therapist), and the end wraps everything up. So, yes, it is a little short, but all the right elements are there, so just work on including more detail and dialogue (and maybe a couple more jokes), and you'll be writing longer chapters in no time!

 

Keep up the good work! I look forward to seeing you improve!