Bioniwhatsit

[Jamags]

Welcome! I've undertaken the project to write a comedic version of the BIONICLE storyline. I'll put up a character list a little later. I've gotten a few chapters written, and will release them one a day, to give me some time to write more.

 

So without further ado, the funnies!

 

Prologue – On a really sandy table with a couple pebbles

 

Yo, peeps.

 

Oh, Vakama. Could you at least try to sound old and wise?

 

Fine. Umm… Gathered friends. Yes. That’s good. I like the sound of that. Gathered friends, I’m tellin’ you that story again, ‘kay?

 

Vakama!

 

Umm… Listen again to our… legend… of the… uh… Bioniwhatsit!

 

BIONICLE!

 

Yeah, that. A really really long time ago, which may or may not have been in a galaxy far, far away,

 

Vakama, please.

 

Alright, alright. In the… uh… In the time before time –

 

Alright, how does that make any sense at all?

 

Just go with it, Matau. It’s probably the best we’re going to get from him.

 

The Great Spirit, Mata Nui brought us to this island. It was a nice place, and he was a pretty cool guy, so we named the place after him.

 

I’m getting a little tired of reminding you that we’re supposed to be wise old leaders.

 

Ah. Right. So anyway, his lil’ bro Makuta – I mean, his… brother, yes, brother, Makuta was jealous. Don’t ask me why. Anyway, he sang a really good lullaby to Mata Nui, who was out cold. What? We’re making most of this up anyway, and we never really “established” how MN got put to sleep. Whatevs. Anyway, these four really cool guys, one really cool girl, and one idiotic guy –

 

Hey!

 

What? It’s true! Anyway, they’re gonna come beat the karz out of Makuta and give Mata Nui a wake up call.

 

That’s great. Can I smash these rocks now?

 

Chapter 1 – A beach on an unknown island

 

*A wave washes across the beach, depositing a strange, cylindrical object*

 

*A lid pops off of the object and a pile of organic material and mechanical parts spill out. Whatever they were initially part of is still somewhat functional and manages to assemble itself.*

 

Tahu: Unh. Where am I? Who am I? When am I? *He looks down at himself* What am I?

 

Oh, this is gonna be great.

 

Tahu: Who the karz are you?

 

I’m the narrator of fire. My job is to explain to the audience how you got here and give you the answers to all those questions you were asking.

 

Tahu: Audience?

 

Oh. Yeah. Uhh… Sorry about the fourth wall, Author.

 

Don't sweat it. I do that all the time anyway.

 

Tahu: Uhh… Wasn’t this my comedy a moment ago?

 

Ah. Right. Welcome to the island of Mata Nui! This place is inhabited by six tribes of little people called Matoran that are led by six slightly bigger old guys called Turaga, and sort of worship six really big people called Toa.

 

Tahu: And where do I come in?

 

You’re Tahu, Toa of Fire, Lord of the Majestic Flames, and all that. As such, everything fire-related here starts with “Ta.” You’re in Ta-Wahi, the section of the island dedicated to fire. You’re near Ta-Koro, the village of fire. This place is inhabited by Ta-Matoran the little guys of fire. They’re led by Vakama, Ta-Turaga, who’s the old guy of fire. You are the Ta-Toa.

 

Tahu: *Begins to walk toward Ta-Koro* Right… So you said these people worship me, right?

 

Sort of, but not really. They have this legend. The Great Spirit, Mata Nui, brought all the Matoran and Turaga to this island, where they could live in peace and prosperity. But Mata Nui’s “brother,” Makuta, was jealous of the respect they had for big brother.

 

Tahu: What’s with the air quotes?

 

Long story. Spoilers.

 

Tahu: Ah, great. But how does this concern me?

 

Makuta had evidently just watched Sleeping Beauty, so he decided to send Mata Nui into a deep slumber. He used infected Kanohi masks, yucky versions of the one on your face, to enslave all the Rahi, those are animals, on the island and began attacking the Matoran. The prophesy says that six mighty Toa will arrive on the island, defeat Makuta, and awaken Mata Nui.

 

Tahu: And?

 

Isn’t it sort of obvious?

 

Tahu: What is?

 

I guess it isn’t… You’re one of the six Toa.

 

Tahu: Oh. Sorry if I’m a little slow on the uptake.

 

I’m just glad I didn’t get stuck as the Narrator of Air.

 

Tahu: Why’s that?

 

Meanwhile, in Le-Wahi

 

Lewa: So they worship me?

 

Sort of, but not really.

 

Lewa: They worship me.

 

That’s not entirely tru –

 

Lewa: Are there any cute girls of air?

 

*Facepalm*

 

Back in Ta-Wahi…

 

 

Yeah, I got lucky.

Chapter 2 – The approach to Ta-Koro

 

*Several Matoran are hidden behind a log, looking at the long, narrow valley leading to Ta-Koro*

 

Ta-Matoran 1: So yeah! Then I tell him, “What’s the matter, air-spitter, run out of treespeak?”

Ta-Matoran 2: Oh man! That’s great!

 

Jaller: Will you guys shut up? I think I see something.

 

Tahu, further down the valley: So let me get this straight, as long as I’m aware of the danger, I can use this mask thingy to protect me from it?

 

Pretty much.

 

Tahu: Cool!

 

Jaller: He’s shrouded in shadows. That means he’s either a friendly traveler that we’ll mistake for an enemy, or an enemy that we’ll mistake for a friendly traveler. Well, better safe than sorry. Activate the flimsy sticks that pop out of the ground in an almost cage-like formation but are completely useless!

 

*The sticks pop up*

 

Tahu: Wha? What the karz are these?

 

*He gets out his convenient fire sword and cuts through the cage*

 

Jaller: He broke through! We’ll have to throw our pointless disk thingies at him and brandish our awkward and somewhat pointy staffs!

 

*Vakama comes out and starts bonking people on the head with his own staff*

 

Vakama: Stop you fools, that’s Toa Tahu!

Jaller: But Turaga! If we didn’t fight him, he would have actually turned out to be a rahi!

 

*Vakama bonks him on the head*

 

Vakama: Quiet, you.

Edited August 8, 2013 by Jamags

[MT Zehvor]

Nice start. One thing I might suggest is to give perhaps some sort of color coding line for each character. It's fairly easy to figure out so far, but it might get more complicated as time goes on.

 

-MT

[Jamags]

Nice start. One thing I might suggest is to give perhaps some sort of color coding line for each character. It's fairly easy to figure out so far, but it might get more complicated as time goes on.

 

-MT

Thanks. Yeah, I'm going to put names in front. The only reason I did the prologue like that is because they're narrating, and I've written the narrators as nameless italic text.

 

Also, I'll be gone the next two days, so I'm putting up the next two chapters now.

[Radagast367]

 

Meanwhile, in Le-Wahi

Lewa: So they worship me?

Sort of, but not really.

Lewa: They worship me.

That’s not entirely tru –

Lewa: Are there any cute girls of air?

*Facepalm*

hehe, I liked that description of lewa This should be good.

[Jamags]

New chapter should be out tomorrow. Next up: Tahu arrives in Ta-Koro, and hijinks that may or may not have been shoehorned into a largely plot-based chapter ensue. A couple more chapters before other Toa start showing up.

[Jamags]

Putting this chapter in a separate post, because putting the previous two in the first post screwed up the formatting.

 

Chapter 3 – Ta-Koro

Tahu: So I’ve got to find my other five masks, and put them together with this one to make a super mask with all six powers?

 

Vakama: Yup! Oh, and take the Chronicler with you. He keeps sneaking away from his job to go on “adventures,” and I decided he could slack off on someone else’s watch for a change.

 

Tahu: Uhh… Right.

 

Vakama: Ah, here he comes now.

 

*Takua walks in*

 

Takua: Hi! You ready to go, Toa? I finally get to go on a real adventure! I’ve never had one before. Well, except for that time I got banished for being lazy and summoned the Toa here, and then got thrown across the island and ended up with amnesia and saw you show up. And that time that I snuck off and fought that Nui Jaga… Or when I got kidnapped by Ga-Matoran who were infected. Or when I found that nest of Nui Rama in Le-Koro.

 

Tahu: Is he always like this?

 

Vakama: Yes. Oh! Pressingturagabusinessgottarunseeyalaterbye!

 

*Vakama leaves*

 

Tahu: Uhh...

 

 

*Jaller walks in*

 

Jaller: Toa Tahu! I was wondering if I could join you on your quest.

 

Tahu: Umm… Sure. Why not?

 

Jaller and Takua: YES!

[Jamags]

Having a bit of writers block with the next chapter, but it might be out later today. I've also had two more comedy ideas, that I may start writing in the near future.

[Jamags]

And another one.

 

Chapter 4 – The outskirts of Kini-Nui

 

Tahu, Jaller, and Takua are walking in silence.

 

Takua: I’m hungry…

 

Tahu: Mmm, Chili…

 

Wrong series.

 

Tahu: Oh.

 

Random Nui-Rama Swarm: Rawr.

 

Tahu: AHHHHH! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!111!!1!!1111!!!!one!!1!111!!!eleven!!!111!1!12!two!

 

Jaller: …

 

Takua: Don’t worry! This is just like the time I almost got Tamaru eaten by a Kofo Jaga! All we have to do is scream like brainless fools and wait for Turaga Matau to show up and save us! And also, I’m hungry…

 

Tahu: We’re doomed…

 

Random Nui-Rama Swarm: *Attacks* Rawr.

 

Tahu: *Swings sword wildly at one of them* BACK! BACK! STAY BACK! I’VE GOT A FIRE SWORD AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE IT!

 

Random Nui-Rama: Rawr.

 

*Jaller and Takua face the Nui-Rama, Jaller bravely fighting them off, and Takua making dramatic poses and throwing the occasional disk*

 

Later…

 

*Tahu is still fighting the same Nui-Rama while Jaller and Takua stand atop a pile of fallen opponents*

 

*Tahu slays his enemy*

 

Tahu: YEAH! I GOT ONE!

 

Jaller: That’s… Nice…

 

Last of the swarm (A Kofo-Jaga): Rawr. *Flies past knocking everyone down*

 

Hewkii: *Randomly shows up* *Kicks a Kohlii ball which hits the Kofo Jaga in the face, taking it down* Yay! I saved them! I mean… GOAL! Yeah! Who’s awesome?

 

Tahu: Uhh… Greetings, good matoran. Do you know the way to Po-Koro? I am going there to get my Kanohi Hau. Wait, no. Kakama. Sorry.

 

Hewkii: Sure, I can take you there! Uhh… I mean… Ugh. Didn’t you like, bring a map or something?

[MT Zehvor]

Sorry about not reviewing in a bit, been busy with some projects.

 

Onto the most recent chappies (where Takua gets no respect at all):

 

Vakama: Yes. Oh! Pressingturagabusinessgottarunseeyalaterbye!

*Vakama leaves*

 

Subtlety is something Vakama's gotten much worse at since his Toa Metru days.

 

Hewkii: *Randomly shows up* *Kicks a Kohlii ball which hits the Kofo Jaga in the face, taking it down* Yay! I saved them! I mean… GOAL! Yeah! Who’s awesome?

Tahu: Uhh… Greetings, good matoran. Do you know the way to Po-Koro? I am going there to get my Kanohi Hau. Wait, no. Kakama. Sorry.

Hewkii: Sure, I can take you there! Uhh… I mean… Ugh. Didn’t you like, bring a map or something?

 

Hewkii the tour guide...or not.

 

These last two chappies have been a steady improvement. Good work.

 

-MT

[Jamags]

Chapter 5 – Po-Koro

 

*Tahu, Takua, Jaller, and Hewkii are meeting with Turaga Onewa*

 

Onewa: Hehehe! Smashing rocks is funfunfunfunfun!

 

Hewkii: Uhh… Turaga?

 

Onewa: Yeh? What’s the matter… Whatever your name is…

 

Hewkii: It’s Hewkii. Uhh… Tahu is looking for his Kanohi Kakama.

 

Onewa: Ah, Tahu. I heard of your approach, so I contrived a series of pointless challenges for you to complete for the mask.

 

Tahu: Wait, what?

 

Onewa: You must pass the trials of mind, body, and skill. Then you must enter the maze of destiny and recover the key of fire. Then you must travel to the ancient temple of Pohatu, and defeat the guardian to claim your prize!

 

Tahu: Is there a reason for all of that?

 

Onewa: No. Not really. However, Toa Pohatu will be helping you. Hafu, summon the Toa. Hafu? Hafu? Blast it. He must be out carving statues of himself again. Or obsessing over Hewkii’s awesome Kolhii skills. Regardless, I must summon him myself.

 

Hewkii: Is this gonna take very long?

 

Onewa: Yes. POHATU!!!

 

Pohatu: *Zooms up using his Kakama* Ah! Toa Tahu! You’ve arrived! Would you like me to show you around?

 

Tahu: Actually, I’d like to find my mask now.

 

Pohatu: Ah, to the point. I like that. Well, off we go!

 

By the way, I’m the narrator of stone. I’ll be taking over for fire while everybody’s in Po-Wahi.

 

Pohatu: This guy’s been bothering me since I ended up on the beach.

Also, I think Hewkii requires some explanation. He's actually a nice guy, but he has a preconceived notion that all sports stars are arrogant and snobbish. Therefore, he thinks he has to be like that too.

Edited August 13, 2013 by Jamags

[MT Zehvor]

Good chappy, if a bit short. One suggestion I'd make is to find a new font for Onewa: It's really hard to read banana writing.

 

-MT

[Jamags]

Good chappy, if a bit short. One suggestion I'd make is to find a new font for Onewa: It's really hard to read banana writing.

 

-MT

 

Right. I'll make his font a little darker next time.