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Legion of Legends Review Topic

LoL review

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2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Snubby

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Posted Dec 07 2013 - 10:19 PM

This is a place to discuss my epic, Legion of Legends. It's a story that takes place in the fall of Mata Nui, where Teridax banishes Mata Nui from the MU. It mainly focuses on the Toa Nuva and the Toa Mahri. This is my first attempt at the BZP library, so please don't think too harshly of it. And who knows, maybe the it'll turn out good. (<-- upsurdly impossible statement)

 

So anyway, let the reviews commence!


Edited by Oryx, Dec 07 2013 - 10:33 PM.

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Onepu's legacy lives on!


#2 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Jan 23 2014 - 02:03 AM

Thought I'd drop in and give this a review. I like how both the prologue and first chapter are quick and to the point. I also like Teridax's speech to the Mahri. I wonder what he has planned for them.
 
I did notice a few grammar errors. Some of them are that the names of some of the beings are not capitalized. Names like 'Rahi,' Rahkshi,' and 'Toa' always need to be capitalized.
 
There are also a couple sentences that I think could be worded better. They are:
 

:Tahu’s current “base”--if it could even be called a base anymore, Teridax ruled the entire universe--was Metru Nui.

 
Since the previous sentence already states that Teridaz rules the universe, I don't think it needs to be repeated in this sentence. Thus, I think it should be omitted.
 

“We can’t give up. Not now. We fought. We fought as Matoran, Toa Inika, and Toa Mahri. We cannot give up now, for the universe we once really lived in.”

 
I think the bolded part could be omitted or rephrased. As is, it sounds and looks a little weird. Maybe he could say 'We have fought him for over as long as I can remember' or 'We have fought against him all this time.'
 
But anyway, I liked you prologue and first chapter. Keep up the good work! 

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Everyone is one choice away from being a bad guy in someone else's story.


#3 Offline Snubby

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Posted Feb 06 2014 - 02:41 PM

Thanks for the review! I'll keep these suggestions in mind.


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Onepu's legacy lives on!





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