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Legion of Legends Review Topic

LoL review

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2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Punderscore

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Posted Dec 07 2013 - 10:19 PM

Legion of Legends Review Topic

 

Legion of legends is a story taking place some time in the middle of Teridax's dictatorship. It follows the Toa Mahri's adventure and rebellion through the Makutaverse.

 

Please keep in mind that I don't know the story of Teridax's dictatorship very well and have only read a couple of the serials, so this story will most likely not be very accurate or be close to the original at all. I don't know what I plan to do with this epic, and might not even continue it.

 

C&C?


Edited by Underscore, Apr 01 2015 - 04:05 PM.

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#2 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Jan 23 2014 - 02:03 AM

Thought I'd drop in and give this a review. I like how both the prologue and first chapter are quick and to the point. I also like Teridax's speech to the Mahri. I wonder what he has planned for them.
 
I did notice a few grammar errors. Some of them are that the names of some of the beings are not capitalized. Names like 'Rahi,' Rahkshi,' and 'Toa' always need to be capitalized.
 
There are also a couple sentences that I think could be worded better. They are:
 

:Tahu’s current “base”--if it could even be called a base anymore, Teridax ruled the entire universe--was Metru Nui.

 
Since the previous sentence already states that Teridaz rules the universe, I don't think it needs to be repeated in this sentence. Thus, I think it should be omitted.
 

“We can’t give up. Not now. We fought. We fought as Matoran, Toa Inika, and Toa Mahri. We cannot give up now, for the universe we once really lived in.”

 
I think the bolded part could be omitted or rephrased. As is, it sounds and looks a little weird. Maybe he could say 'We have fought him for over as long as I can remember' or 'We have fought against him all this time.'
 
But anyway, I liked you prologue and first chapter. Keep up the good work! 

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Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.

 

Check out my Bionicle short stories The Agori and A Skakdi Horror Story.

 

 

Also check out my comedy series Adventures of the Bara Magna Sets!


#3 Offline Punderscore

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Posted Feb 06 2014 - 02:41 PM

Thanks for the review! I'll keep these suggestions in mind.


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