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Alright everyone. I decided to enter the Caveat Scriptor contest if only because I'm so psyched for the Lego Movie and needed an outlet for that excitement since there's still TWO WHOLE MONTHS A MONTH OR SO (I'm bad at time) until it comes out. This is my first comedy on BZP (or the first good one, anyway, and hopefully the numerous data losses since my last one mean any others are lost to time). It's also my first attempt at doing one in script form, which, unless I'm missing something, is awfully difficult to format on BZP. But anyway, without further ado, I give you...

Primetime Pitch



Pres. Business: Good afternoon, all you shareholders, business consultants, and robot goons! I've called this emergency meeting because our dear,
good friend the Infomaniac went and said something SUBVERSIVE on his show last night... andgotputtosleep.
[Everyone gasps]
Pres. Business: But the good news is, that means we now have an OPEN SLOT on PRIMETIME TV! So I want you all to put your thinking caps on and
come up with some GREAT IDEAS for how to keep the TV-watching citizens of Bricksburg dumb and happy during the 6 to 7 p.m.
timeslot! I'll let this pink thing here beside me start with her pitch.
Bizniz Kitty: [startled] Earnings! Dividends! Um... Quarterly reports!
Bruce Wayne: Um... "Biznis Kitty"... he's asking for pitches.
Bizniz Kitty: Pitches? Like... baseball?
Bruce Wayne: Like a pitch. For a TV show
Bizniz Kitty: [Gasps and smiles widely] A TV SHOW?
[singing]
I used to be sad
Before I had any friends
But now that I do
It's always fun without end!
Uni! Uni-kiiiiitty!
Rainbows and sunshine and friends all around!
Uni! Uni-kiiiiitty!
Where adventure and sunshine and fun can be found!
Uni-Kitty!
[Crickets chirping]
Bizniz Kitty: So? What did everyone think?
Pres. Business: What... what WAS that?
Bizniz Kitty: The Uni-Kitty theme song!
Bruce Wayne: You have a theme song?
Bizniz Kitty: No, Uni-Kitty has a theme song! I'm Biznis Kitty! Stocks! Bonds!
Pres. Business: Okay... so what happens in Uni-Kitty's TV show!
Bizniz Kitty: Weren't you listening to the song? She has adventures and fun with friends! She grows wings and turns into a Uni-Kitty princess!
Pres. Business: I don't remember that part of the song.
Bizniz Kitty: And it doesn't just teach valuable lessons about the importance of friendship, either! It's advertising!
Pres. Business: ...Advertising.
Bizniz Kitty: That's right! As soon as the show starts airing, Octan Industries has to start selling TOYS!
Pres. Business: ...Toys.
Biznis Kitty: TOYS! Uni-kitty action figures! Uni-kitty accessories! Uni-kitty playsets and picture books and puzzles!
Pres. Business: Look, Ms. Kitty. I can talk to the children's producers about your show. But right now I'm talking about PRIMETIME. We can't have a
show for little girls occupying our number one timeslot!
Biznis Kitty: But it's NOT just for little girls! It's for little boys, too! It's for moms and dads and secretly-obsessed college students!
Pres. Business: You... you really think all those people would tune in to that?
Biznis Kitty: I sure do! You want numbers? I got numbers! 97! 150! 224!
Pres. Business: That... that sounds revolutionary.
Biznis Kitty: I know, riiiiight?
Pres. Business: Too revolutionary. I hate it.
[biznis Kitty's face falls.]
Pres. Business: Next up we have Bruce, my main man! Bruce! Surely you have an idea that's... not that last one?
Bruce Wayne: Yeah, I have an idea.
Pres. Business: Well don't just leave me hanging! Shoot!
Bruce Wayne: Okay, so here's the pitch. An eight-year-old child, returning from the movies with his parents, sees his parents taken apart RIGHT IN
FRONT OF HIM.
Pres. Business: Ooh, dark. Keep going!
Bruce Wayne: To avenge his parent's deaths, he trains his body and mind and as an adult, starts fighting crime in the dead of night DRESSED AS
A BAT. He uses all sorts of high-tech gadgets and vehicles and his own keen detective skills to hold all sorts of insane criminals at bay.
Pres. Business: I love it! Especially the anti-crime message. That'll do great at keeping the citizens in line! One thing though...
Bruce Wayne: What?
Pres. Business: He needs a name. The crime fighter, I mean.
Bruce Wayne: Oh, uh...?
Pres. Business: Oh! I've got an idea! So he's like some sort of warrior or knight, right?
Bruce Wayne: Um... yes. A Dark Knight.
Pres. Business: And he rides around in a cool car?
Bruce Wayne: ...Yes. A sort of a... bat... mobile.
Pres. Business: So here's what I was thinking. How about... drumroll, please... KNIGHT RIDER? Its dark, edgy, and if I might say, super catchy.
Biznis Kitty: I like that one!
Bruce Wayne: Actually... um...
Pres. Business: But what about when he's not fighting crime? He needs a name that's easy to relate to.
Bruce Wayne: Um... Mr. President Business, sir?
Pres. Business: How about this? Clark—pause for dramatic effect—Kent!
[Everyone except Bruce Wayne cheers]
Bruce Wayne: You know what? Actually, sir... I'm withdrawing my pitch. It wasn't even all that good.
Pres. Business: Aw, say it ain't so, Bruce!
Bruce Wayne: [Holding back tears] I've gotta go... got... something in my eye. C'mon Biznis Kitty.
[bruce Wayne and Biznis Kitty leave]
Pres. Business: Well. That was disappointing. And those two were my best idea people. Why must replacing all your underlings with imaginationless
robots backfire so?!
Executron: SIR, I HAVE AN IDEA.
Pres. Business: You do? I didn't think that was possible! What is it?
Executron: PROCESSING...
Pres. Business: C'mon!
Executron: PROCESSING... IDEA #1: PEOPLE WEARING PANTS
Pres. Business: Seriously? THAT'S your miraculous idea? Everyone wears pants! When you get right down to it, EVERY PROGRAM ON TV is about
people wearing pants! Idea REJECTED.
Executron: SIR, I HAVE ANOTHER IDEA.
Pres. Business: Oh, so you're suddenly a fountain of inspiration. What is it this time?
Executron: PROCESSING... PROCESSING... IDEA #2: PEOPLE NOT WEARING PANTS.
Pres. Business: [stares in awe] People... not wearing pants...

COMMERCIAL: Tune in to Octan TV tomorrow to catch the premiere of Where Are My Pants? Follow one hapless man's awkward quest to find out just
where his pants went! Catch it at 6 p.m. every night of the week... oryou'llbeputtosleep.

Edited by Lyichir
  • Upvote 1

Formerly Lyichir: Rachira of Influence

Aanchir's and Meiko's brother

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Yeah, I'm not sure what happened with the formatting either. Hm. Well, anyway, I want to comment on the transition to the commercial at the end. It's glorious; I love it and I love Executron's line before it. I think, though, that it would be more effective if you left a little more to the reader's brain - and this goes for a few other places in the script as well. For example, if you took out Pres. Business's final line and jumped straight from Executron to the commercial, it would throw more of a punch. In my mind, it would work better.

 

But hey! Thank you for entering!

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Yeah, I'm not sure what happened with the formatting either. Hm. Well, anyway, I want to comment on the transition to the commercial at the end. It's glorious; I love it and I love Executron's line before it. I think, though, that it would be more effective if you left a little more to the reader's brain - and this goes for a few other places in the script as well. For example, if you took out Pres. Business's final line and jumped straight from Executron to the commercial, it would throw more of a punch. In my mind, it would work better.

 

But hey! Thank you for entering!

Thanks for the critique! In that last scene, I felt obligated to at least lead into the commercial with something since it was technically a scene change and I felt cutting to the commercial directly from Executron, while punchier, might be a little bit too jarring. Perhaps I could get away with cutting the "I could actually work with that", but I think President Business's consideration of the idea is important for showing that he wasn't actually going to dismiss it outright like the last one.

 

That leads me to a couple of questions. Firstly, am I allowed to edit the story now that I've posted it? I don't know whether that's against the rules or not, and I'd like to make some revisions if I could (I may have jumped the gun in posting it this early, but I was experiencing a sort of "writer's high" after finishing the whole thing). And secondly, related to the above, are there any other parts that you think specifically could be better? This is really my first story in script form, so I'm sure there are other ways it could be improved.


Formerly Lyichir: Rachira of Influence

Aanchir's and Meiko's brother

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That leads me to a couple of questions. Firstly, am I allowed to edit the story now that I've posted it? I don't know whether that's against the rules or not, and I'd like to make some revisions if I could (I may have jumped the gun in posting it this early, but I was experiencing a sort of "writer's high" after finishing the whole thing). And secondly, related to the above, are there any other parts that you think specifically could be better? This is really my first story in script form, so I'm sure there are other ways it could be improved.

 

Sure, editing your entry is allowed until the entry period is over. Other parts? The end of the Bizniz Kitty pitch might benefit from a little editing. I think your transitions between thoughts and lines are excellently crafted, but might need variety of structure - in other words, some spicing up of the Pres./other character alternating scheme. Also - I noticed a lot of missing apostrophes. Careful! :0

Edited by -Windrider-

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That leads me to a couple of questions. Firstly, am I allowed to edit the story now that I've posted it? I don't know whether that's against the rules or not, and I'd like to make some revisions if I could (I may have jumped the gun in posting it this early, but I was experiencing a sort of "writer's high" after finishing the whole thing). And secondly, related to the above, are there any other parts that you think specifically could be better? This is really my first story in script form, so I'm sure there are other ways it could be improved.

 

Sure, editing your entry is allowed until the entry period is over. Other parts? The end of the Bizniz Kitty pitch might benefit from a little editing. I think your transitions between thoughts and lines are excellently crafted, but might need variety of structure - in other words, some spicing up of the Pres./other character alternating scheme. Also - I noticed a lot of missing apostrophes. Careful! :0

 

Thanks for the pointers! I somehow lost all of my apostrophes in the course of transferring this from Word to BZP. I thought I had filled them all back in, but apparently I missed a LOT. I also tried to add a few lines so that Biznis Kitty isn't completely silent during Bruce's pitch (and vice-versa). And I did a little bit of adjustment of my formatting.


Formerly Lyichir: Rachira of Influence

Aanchir's and Meiko's brother

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I love this story. It's got a lot of things going for it. Of course, I already gave you some feedback when you were suggesting ideas the night before you wrote this, but it has only improved since then.

 

The characters are diverse, but not so obscure that you can't figure out their significance. It is also consistent with a lot of what I've seen regarding the characters within the context of the movie.

 

The LEGO and non-LEGO references in the movie are not something that you need a history book to understand. Even knowing nothing about My Little Pony or the brony phenomenon, Uni-Kitty's... sorry, Biznis Kitty's pitch would be hilarious just in its sheer level of cutesy, sugar-coated optimism. Her wordless dejection afterwards keeps things moving forward at a steady comedic pace. Likewise, Batman... err, Bruce Wayne's pitch is an iconic enough reference for pretty much anyone to pick up on it. Doubling up Bruce Wayne's humiliation by going entirely the wrong direction with BOTH identities of the hero makes it that much funnier. LEGO-specific language like "taken apart" instead of "killed" serves as a cheeky reminder that this is a LEGO movie without creating fandom-specific roadblocks to understanding the story.

 

The story has a clear beginning, middle, and end. President Business opens a meeting for a new primetime TV pitch. He receives suggestions from two undercover Master Builders, which are sunk for hilarious reasons. And finally he gets a pitch for a show that is suitably lowbrow for his corporate-minded tastes. It invokes the rule of three: the first two pitches are utter disasters, while the third pitch (with a little fine-tuning, a.k.a. a complete reversal) manages to earn President Business's approval.

 

There's room in the story for more LEGO references, of course. Perhaps having someone pitch ideas similar to other LEGO themes *cough*BIONICLE*cough* would be a nice shout-out to the LEGO community. With some effort it might even be funny. But would it improve the story? I don't think so. I feel like if anything it'd slow things down and ruin the rhythm you have going here. If this were a real movie scene, those kinds of references might best be reserved for sight gags, like having "TROPICAL ROBOT ISLAND" posted on a bulletin board in the background. The script itself is probably better off without taking time to describe gags that would have primarily visual appeal.

 

Overall, I think you've managed to polish this story up nicely. Good luck in the contest!

Edited by Aanchir: Rachira of Time

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You get 10/10 for referencing the Infomaniac.

Thanks! Although I'm far from the only one to have done so. I used him primarily because I needed a knowledgeable and civic-minded fig who wouldn't be the type to tolerate totalitarianism (and one who was iconic to Lego fans, but at the same time obscure enough that he probably wouldn't show in the movie proper). It may just have been a name-drop, but that doesn't mean I didn't put any thought into it!


Formerly Lyichir: Rachira of Influence

Aanchir's and Meiko's brother

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