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The LEGO Movie: Seperate Worlds


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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline GreenNinjaCP

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Posted Jan 02 2014 - 01:37 AM

I joined the BZPower forums just to join this contest, but I may actually stick around. I have been reading these forums for years, and I am SOOOO looking forward to The LEGO Movie. Let me give it my best shot...


It is midnight. Emmet has been captured by Lord Business' Super Secret Police and has been taken to the Melting Chamber so the Piece of Resistance can be melted off of his back.

EMMET: Well, I'm alone, and I'm in a room. That... that's two things. [sings to self] Everything isn't awesome, everything isn't cool when I'm locked in this room... everything isn't awesome, everything is weird, I think I'm growing a beeeeeeeeeard!

Wyldstyle enters, who has also been captured. Emmet stares into her eyes, in a gaze, until she begins to talk.

WYLDSTYLE: [angry] Emmet! How could you be so stupid?

EMMET: Oh hey, Wyldstyle. Guess what? I was just SINGING! See? I really am fun! Anyway, I seem to be glued to this table... hee hee. A little help? My nose is really starting to itch.

Wyldstyle gets a bit annoyed, and goes to free Emmet.

WYLDSTYLE: [facepalm] You don't have a nose. Neither do I.

EMMET: Yeah, I do. It's invisible, you just can't see it.

Wyldstyle undos the chains preventing Emmet from escaping, and Emmet unties the ropes around her. She takes off her hood.

WYLDSTYLE: You're really dumb, you know that, right? You don't have to be smart to be The Special.

EMMET: Yeah, I know. Tell me something I don't know.

WYLDSTYLE: I'm dating Batman.

Emmet is taken aback by the comment. Anger transforms his face from positive and happy to raging with fury.

EMMET: WHAT?! You dirty little cheater!

WYLDSTYLE: Yup, I said it. Also, Vitruvius is coming to help us.

Emmet reverts to his previous state.

EMMET: I love you!

WYLDSTYLE: I highly doubt that.

Vitruvius enters. He looks at the both of them.

VITRUVIUS: How could you two be so dumb?

WYLDSTYLE: Ask this guy.

Emmet grows a confused look on his face.

EMMET: God?

VITRUVIUS: No! It's me, Morgan Free- uh, I mean Vitruvius.

WYLDSTYLE: Anyway, Emmet knows nothing. Vitruvius, not to sound rude or anything, but you made a big mistake tasking this guy with saving the world.

EMMET: Oh really? I know 152 different languages, INCLUDING Matoran.

WYLDSTYLE: And how would THAT help us in a crisis?

EMMET: Holy Mata Nui! The Kanohi Ignika, the Mask of Life! How did that get here? [picks up] God, I'm pretty sure you are behind this.

VITRUVIUS: I give up.

EMMET: [puts on] Woah... woah! I'm heating up! Ahhhhh... save me! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! [disintegrates into thin air]

VITRUVIUS: I swear, if he says God one more- oh, he's gone. That's a relief!

WYLDSTYLE: Guess there is no The Special to save us now.

Lord Business and Bad Cop enter.

BAD COP: Turns out that Emmet guy is dead. You can takeover the world now!

LORD BUSINESS: [whispers] Was he put to sleep?

BAD COP: I'm afraid not, sir.

LORD BUSINESS: Then what DID happen to him?

Scene goes to inside Mask of Life; Emmet sees a strange golden figure.

EMMET: So what happened to you?

MATA NUI: Some strangers came up to me and asked me to stop this evil guy from destroying their world.

EMMET: No way, same!

MATA NUI: Next thing you know, I'm trapped here. My world is terrible: robots everywhere.

EMMET: It's been one of those days.

Edited by GreenNinjaCP, Jan 04 2014 - 02:46 PM.

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#2 Offline -Windrider-

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Posted Jan 03 2014 - 08:04 PM

Hey! So, I gave your entry a read and have a few thoughts. In script form, you have the benefit of having everything written out, including the scene itself. This means that you have a bit of liberty: you can rely either on detailed stage directions or on the dialogue to give your readers a sense of where they are. I get the feeling that you really enjoy working with dialogue - that's great! But I think you need to take your time and really use the text as more than just interaction. Right now, I think things move too quickly and it feels a little abrupt.

 

Those are only my thoughts, though. I did enjoy reading your entry. Thank you for taking the time to join BZPower and write it!


Edited by -Windrider-, Jan 03 2014 - 10:22 PM.

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#3 Offline GreenNinjaCP

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Posted Jan 04 2014 - 02:40 PM

Thank you for the critique. I'll do a little bit of editing soon. Any other suggestions to make it better?

Edited by GreenNinjaCP, Jan 04 2014 - 02:41 PM.

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#4 Offline -Windrider-

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Posted Jan 04 2014 - 03:31 PM

The best advice I can give is to read it out loud. You'll get a better sense of flow and of transitions that way. It might be a bit awkward with the script form, but it should prove helpful.


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