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Rise of the Rookies - Review

re-imagined hero factory review

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21 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Jan 12 2014 - 11:44 PM

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-----This is the review topic for Rise of the Rookies. All questions and comments go here instead of the main topic - it's less cluttered that way.


Edited by Sumiki, Sep 04 2014 - 06:09 PM.

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#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jan 13 2014 - 12:32 AM

Impressive start. I especially liked the detail that you brought to this scene, particularly the detail about the alleyways always being wet, Mr. Caldo's suit, and the stranger's trench coat. 

 

And the fact that Mr. Caldo's serious injury/death was caused by neglecting a detail. I found that irony amusing.


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#3 Online xccj

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Posted Jan 13 2014 - 12:37 AM

Good set up, what with getting the mood and all.  I'm interested to see how you'll tie this in with Hero Factory, so I guess I'll stop by again if you start posting more chapters.  Maybe it's kind of a waste to lose Caldo so early into this, but if he was a throw-away character, then so be it.

 

:music:


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#4 Offline CHRIS PRATT

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Posted Jan 13 2014 - 03:44 PM

I'm already enjoying this enough to actually post here, and that in itself means something. The dialogue exchange was excellent, as well as the systematic breakdown of Mr. Caldo's pride (and his life) throughout the conversation. The mention of information on the "heroes", while indirect, was superbly effective in gathering my interest, and I look forward to witnessing what these heroes are like.


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#5 Offline Takuma Nuva

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Posted Jan 13 2014 - 06:28 PM

Haven't the greatest amount of time to go into detail with school breathing down my back again, but I'd like to say I like what I see so far. You've set the tone straight out the door and I'm very much interested in seeing how you carry it through the rest of the piece.
 
It'll be good to follow a well put-together piece of fan-fiction again. Don't disappoint me...or else. :P

 

Takuma Nuva


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#6 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Jan 13 2014 - 07:19 PM

Chapter One has been posted. I tried my best to outline the main ways in which the heroes have been adapted here.
 
If you're expecting something as dark as the prologue ... sorry. There'll be enough later on, though, don't worry. :P


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#7 Offline CHRIS PRATT

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Posted Jan 13 2014 - 09:25 PM

Chapter One was just as enjoyable as the prologue. While it was a bit of an information dump, you did it in a way that felt very casual and fit in with the story, and I love your dialogue scenes.

 

My only complaint thus far is the revelation with Mr. Makuro and Preston, but it's pretty minor and I'm pretty sure that I won't care about it by the time I wake up in the morning.


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#8 Offline Chro

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Posted Jan 14 2014 - 07:55 AM

The way it's looking to me, this is a story set at the very beginning of Hero Factory, as a prequel of sorts to the official storyline, in a time when there are still plenty of humans about rather than all robots... and that's fantastic.

If it's just a retelling of HF with the robots as people, then that's good too. :P


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#9 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Jan 15 2014 - 08:53 PM

The first few chapters are the hardest here because of the backstory I have to establish. I tried to get most of the important bits knocked out in Chapter Two but I feel as if the pacing and dialogue may have suffered because of it.

 

Don't worry, though. There's more dark and gritty stuff coming - I just had to get this out of the way so the later stuff all makes sense.


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#10 Offline Chro

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Posted Jan 15 2014 - 10:30 PM

Now I know that these characters are in fact human, so this may seem a little redundant... but I like how human you've made them. Duncan's referring to Preston as "dude", for example.
I'm quite interested to see where this goes. Jessica Surge (?) might be an interesting character, though out of all the rookies we've not seen much of her yet.
You're also continuing to make me curious about Ralph. Not, by any chance, Ralph Von Ness?

Edited by Chro, Jan 15 2014 - 10:31 PM.

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#11 Online xccj

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Posted Jan 20 2014 - 12:32 PM

It's interesting, but I do agree that the pacing feels a bit off.  The whole training bit in the second chapter felt a bit rushed, and while some of the characters are getting fleshed out, not all of them are recieving the same treatment.  But that's a minor complain; Preston and Makuro are well done anyway.  It's also interesting seeing some of the character changes you've thrown around, and I'm interested to see how jessica and natalie do with the team.  Already hate William's character; you just know he's gonna be the arogant newby.  :P

 

I like how you're adapting this darker story to the "official" one, can't wait to read more of it.

 

:music:


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#12 Offline Takuma Nuva

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Posted Jan 20 2014 - 01:16 PM

-Jimmy – the one in black – shook his head slowly. “Police don’t have enough to go one.

Liking what I've read so far, though it probably would've been better if I hadn't accidentally read chapter 2 before chapter 1. :lookaround: In any case, you're doing well in introducing the characters, though I'm guessing Jessica is an OC? I don't recognize the name.
 
I'm gonna try my best to keep up with this, but with school in session time's gonna be tighter.

Takuma Nuva


Edited by Takuma Nuva, Jan 22 2014 - 01:34 PM.

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#13 Offline ~garnira returns~

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Posted Mar 19 2014 - 10:29 PM

Very interesting. I've never seen a take on hero factory quite like this. This version provides much more character in my opinion, and that's something dearly lacking in the official HF. Very well done!

 

Can't wait until we meet some insane, chemical spraying baddies. :)


Now I know that these characters are in fact human, so this may seem a little redundant... but I like how human you've made them. Duncan's referring to Preston as "dude", for example.
I'm quite interested to see where this goes. Jessica Surge (?) might be an interesting character, though out of all the rookies we've not seen much of her yet.
You're also continuing to make me curious about Ralph. Not, by any chance, Ralph Von Ness?

 

I'd be surprised if it wasn't Ralph "Nebula".  :P


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#14 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Apr 06 2014 - 11:12 PM

Chapter Three is finally up! Half was written last month and half a few minutes ago, so hopefully there's no identifiable delineation.
 
Things really get going in the next chapter, and I will admit that this one's a bit plodding. Hopefully not too much so, though!


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#15 Offline fishers64

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Posted Apr 07 2014 - 02:01 AM

Maybe it's because of the long time between chapter postings, but I felt that the mystery established in the Prologue (Mr. Caldo, etc) has been sidelined in favor of boring exposition. I like the character of Jessica though - she seems to have an unknown violent side that I hope gets explored more. 


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#16 Offline Chro

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Posted May 24 2014 - 10:45 AM

Read chapter three. I like it.
I'm assuming it's going to be a while for the next one, again, which is fine...

You're also continuing to make me curious about Ralph. Not, by any chance, Ralph Von Ness?

I'd be surprised if it wasn't Ralph "Nebula".  :P
That wouldn't make much sense. :lol:

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#17 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Aug 06 2014 - 05:34 PM

Chapter Four up - action is starting and the main story really begins. I feel like I can get into a regular cycle of writing and posting now that the summer is winding down.


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#18 Offline LanceMuch7

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Posted Aug 08 2014 - 11:57 PM

This is really neat so far. I spent the whole time trying to figure out how this tied into LEGO until reading William's nickname. Heh, shows how much care I've invested in HF.

That actually made it especially cool for me though, not knowing it was HF until I was already enjoying the story. Great job.

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#19 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Aug 10 2014 - 05:26 AM

Epic writing so far! Changing the genre to a "hard" sci-fi superhero story worked very well, and the Bionicle references definitely put a smile on my face. My only concern is that most of the characters' personalities haven't really been developed yet.
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#20 Offline Willess12

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Posted Aug 26 2014 - 11:00 AM

            Surel y I can't be the only one who noticed the obvious Bionicle Time Trap reference in chapter 4... or in this post...

            Very good.  Making a good HF rewrite is hard (and you can take my word for it; I tried several times with no success).


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#21 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Sep 04 2014 - 06:14 PM

This is really neat so far. I spent the whole time trying to figure out how this tied into LEGO until reading William's nickname. Heh, shows how much care I've invested in HF.

That actually made it especially cool for me though, not knowing it was HF until I was already enjoying the story. Great job.

Glad to see it works outside of the main HF universe - that was exactly what I was hoping for.


Epic writing so far! Changing the genre to a "hard" sci-fi superhero story worked very well, and the Bionicle references definitely put a smile on my face. My only concern is that most of the characters' personalities haven't really been developed yet.

I try to develop character where I can - forcing it often leads to writer's block for me. I have ideas for all of the characters but I'm afraid of really force-fitting it into a story.

Chapter five is now posted. I'd like to make this more than a monthly thing, but like I mentioned, I'm afraid of forcing it.


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#22 Offline Pohatu: Master of Stone

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Posted Sep 06 2014 - 04:00 PM

"Those tinker-toys could kill you in a thousand different ways- and 941 of them hurt." I was not expecting a Bionicle reference, but it still made me smile.


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