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X-Ray: The Return

One-Shot X-Ray

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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline X-Ray

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Posted Oct 21 2011 - 11:32 PM

X-Ray: The ReturnIt was back. For real.X-Ray stood in the gates of BZPower, hesitant to enter. It had been several months since he had gazed upon the forums, and typed in a witty line for the Bionicle Caption Contest, but it was back.He saw the line of members coming and going. He saw that things were about back to normal. He saw that he had forgotten his password.After the brief hustle accompanied by forgetting your password, changing it, and resetting it, X-Ray entered BZPower.It was glorious.He looked down, as his body transformed into how he saw himself on the site; a fine suit with a white dress shirt, blue vest, and a silver tie. He adjusted the new-improved Akaku Nuva-style eyepiece built into the right side of his head, and regaled in the site.Members were going to and fro, with Black Six and SPIRIT and the other admins and mods whose names he forgot directing the new influx of traffic. Everything was new and shiny and clean. The entrance booth still needed polishing, but he thought it looked okay anyhow. Yes, it was all good and fixed. X-Ray gazed happily at this new BZP, fully prepared to go forth and write and post to his heart's content.And then his cellphone rang."Never gonna give you up!" shouted his ring tone, "Never gonna let you down! Never gonna turn around and-"X-Ray snatched the cellphone out of his... pocket, flipped it open, and said:"Hello?""X-Ray, is that you?""Kapurkar?" said X-Ray, relieved to hear the voice of a frequent reader of his comedies. "How did you get this num- ah, never mind that, I'm glad to hear from you, buddy! How are you?""Just fine, X," said Kapurkar. “Listen, I just thought I’d call to tell you- all of the stuff in the library is gone. You have to go to the old forum archive, get the link to your comedy, and repost your stuff.”X-Ray groaned. That sounded annoying. “Okay,” he said, “I’ll remember to do that. By the way, how’s Ja-”Suddenly, as X-Ray turned around a corner to enter the Bionicle Storyline & Theories forum, a huge flash of light engulfed him. A moment later, he was surrounded by the cold of cyberspace, with all of the activity of BZPower frozen around him, his avatar appearance stripped from his being. He then gazed with confusion and annoyance at a sort of screen sign which had popped up. It said: “Need an account? Sign in right now!”Confound this new server, thought X-Ray as he complied with the instructions, just what in Hapori Tohu’s name is wrong with it?The next minute, X-Ray abruptly dropped back into the Storyline & Theories forum, and everything was fine. That’s the third time that’s happened since I got here, he thought, brushing himself off. I’d better edit it out of the overly dramatic one-shot I plan to write about me coming back to BZP. It might even make a good meta-joke. He flipped his cell phone open, only to find that Kapurkar’s connection had been cut off. “Well, great,” he said to himself. He had Kapurkar’s number from the last call’s memory, but he still couldn’t reach the toa of transport.“Nuts,” X-Ray said to himself again. “Well, off to repost all of my comedies. And short stories. And epic.” And with that, the scholarly faux-toa-of-ice walked back down to the main hall, with nobody giving a hoot that this particularly clever being had returned to BZPower.“Hey X!” shouted Nobody from his bench just outside of the Library, “you’re back! WHOOO!”“Hi, Nobody!” said X-Ray, shaking the mild-mannered wraith’s hand. “How’s my favorite anthropomorphic running joke doing?”“Just fine,” said Nobody. “And yourself?”"Oh, good. Have you been taking care of yourself?""Oh, yeah. I joined an MMA club!""Mixed Martial Arts?""No, Mild Mannered Aviators! I'm flying for charity!""Uh... huh. Well, I-"And so, the writer and the wraith walked into the Library, fully prepared to engage in a new era of thread-bare wit and occasionally funny jokes, with a bit of serious, EPIC writing on the side. But mostly comedies.* * *...I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! I assure you all, I'll be re-posting all of my stuff soon, but first, let me just say that it's wonderful to *AHEM* "see" you all again! Hurray for the Comedies Forum! And hurray for BZPoweeeeeeeeeeeerrrr!...What? Oh, yes. :baaa: :akaku: X-Ray :akaku:

Edited by X-Ray, Nov 26 2011 - 09:33 PM.

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#2 Offline The Darkest Chronicler

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Posted Oct 21 2011 - 11:52 PM

Ah, good to see the return of another comedy writer who I have actually read the comedies of.

Now, onto what is know in the comedy forum as 'The Comedy'. Which is or course, what you wrote in this topic.

Yeah, that seems kind of obvious, doesn't it?

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I like it, it sums up what most members probably thought when they first returned.

And the humor isn't blatant, or random. It's more subtle, it blends without standing out.

Interesting choice for a ringtone I might add. :P

MMA, creative and funny. I like that part quite a lot.

~

Ah, I hated how it kept logging me out, until I figured out why it was happening.

But you managed to turn that nuisance into comedy.

~

Again, glad to see another excellent writer back on BZP.

And I enjoyed this reading this comedy greatly.

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~

TDC


Edited by The Dark Chronicler, Oct 21 2011 - 11:54 PM.

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#3 Offline spyder ryder

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Posted Oct 21 2011 - 11:53 PM

Welcome back! I was wondering whether or not you'd be back or not, and am glad that you have returned. This was a great way to reenter BZP and I loved the Nobody Joke.
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#4 Online Joseph Cooper

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Posted Jan 04 2013 - 06:49 PM

Grammar/Word Usage

It had been several months since he had gazed upon the forums, < and typed in a witty line for the Bionicle Caption Contest, but it was back.

The comma indicated by the arrow is unnecessary, I do believe.

He looked down, < as his body transformed into how he saw himself on the site; a fine suit with a white dress shirt, blue vest, and a silver tie. He adjusted the new-improved Akaku Nuva-style eyepiece built into the right side of his head, and regaled in the site.

The comma indicated by the arrow is unnecessary. Also: I don't think “regaled” is in quite the right usage. It usually has to do with food or talk.

"Never gonna give you up!" shouted his ring tone, "Never gonna let you down! Never gonna turn around and-"

Ringtone can be all one word.

Suddenly, as X-Ray turned ("around" removed) a corner to enter the Bionicle Storyline & Theories forum, a huge flash of light engulfed him. A moment later, he was surrounded by the cold of cyberspace, with all of the activity of BZPower frozen around him and his avatar appearance stripped from his being. He then gazed with confusion and annoyance at a sort of screen sign which had popped up. It said: “Need an account? Sign in right now!”

Edits are bolded. This wasn't necessarily incorrect so much as awkward.Grammar all in all: Your punctuation is really good. Most of my problems are not true errors, but things that sound really awkward in my mind as I'm reading them. Sentences are a bit long, in other words, and could be cut up and made smoother. Otherwise, apart from some unnecessary commas, there isn't much wrong. Most of your semi-errors could be resolved by saying it in real life, thus eliminating extra pauses and such.Since almost all of your "errors" are awkward statements rather than actual problems, I give high marks for this. 9/10.Plot: I wasn't here before the downtime, so I don't really know if your portrayal is accurate. Going by the word of the other posts in the topic, I'd say it's right. However, because I can't say this for certain, I'm going to do something a bit special with this section. Explained at the bottom.Humor: The humor for this is good, not in my face or slapstick. Some of the jokes, like Nobody being a wraith, took me multiple readings to understand, making it seem like I got something new each time. Being as this comedy is more aimed at making the rejoin into a joke it's not laugh-out-loud funny, but the little jokes here and there made me grin. Again, I may not get all of the jokes because I wasn't around for the downtime, but I thought the rest were funny. Overall: 7/10.

 

Overall: This comedy was good, and explored a realm I haven't seen many explore (Actual BZP instead of the Bionicle universe) The grammar is some of the best I've seen, and I appreciate that. Your errors weren't major, more minor nitpicks on my account than actual problems. The humor was slightly lacking in quantity, not quality, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Keep on rockin'.

 

Kaithas Stamp of Approval, Class 3.

 

In other words, 8.6/10. The extra .6 was a bonus for the plot, seeing as I thought it was accurate but wasn't quite sure.


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