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Review Topic -- The Destiny of Bionicle

retelling

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#121 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Jul 22 2014 - 04:20 PM

Aw, man, that was a great read. I would never have thought to actually incorporate Boneheads of Voodoo Island concept art into one of Mata Nui's vists -- but now that you've done it, it seems so utterly obvious.

Big congratulations for thinking outside the box like that. You also did a good job of sharing just enough info that we got an idea of the alien culture, but little enough that they still had some mystery to them. And your musings on space-travelers in the Before-Time just makes me more and more curious about the wider world of BIONICLE -- the cosmos outside Spherus Magna. But I suppose we'll never know for certain what was going on there.

 

One thing, though. While discussing the Toa Mata's canisters, you wrote "the Toa Mata Nui been placed in canisters", which I assume was not your intention, since it makes pretty much no grammatical sense. I understood the spirit of the words, though. ;)


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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#122 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Jul 23 2014 - 04:56 PM

Author's Comments for Chapter 22: The First Chronicler

Note ["common practice"]:

This dual apprenticeship custom is non-canon.

Note:

You can see a LEGO interpretation I made of the sensors inside the spires here:

http://www.brickshel...nui_sensors.png

Which is part of a small-scale Bionicle project begun here:

http://www.bzpower.c...ni-nui-in-ldde/

[Sorry for the redundancy of that note for readers here. :P But that's the version in the story file. I did end up deciding not to include that image in the story itself; I could have had Mata Nui perhaps turn parts of the spires invisible to show the sensors to Koronga, but that seemed too convoluted.]

Note:

The cloaked spy probes Mata Nui mentions as being deployed from the Kini-Nui are not canon. However, it is known that "somehow" the Kini-Nui does help spy on inhabitants of the planets. I simply figured that invisible probes were a more believable explanation of the "how" than some kind of long-range scan "sideways" like the canon description seems to imply.

Also, my use of the “stone circle” near the Kini-Nui as the thing this Ice Bohrok is standing on in the image is non-canon as well. Canonically all we know is that a circle, filled with sand, was near the Kini-Nui and was used in the future to tell symbolic stories (using, for example, the Mata Nui stone). Called the Amaja-Nui, it may have been built by people rather than being a part of the robot's normal systems.

Note:

Just to be clear, this testing system is only theoretical. The idea is that it's another of the Great Beings' contingencies, in case Matoran Universe inhabitants were to somehow wander onto the camouflage island without Mata Nui noticing but then be found by the swarms or spotted by the Great Spirit later. We do know one other contingency system in case of Matoran being on the surface was included, so it's possible. This would sort out people who really belong from the hypothetical shapeshifting alien. Of course, in this case Mata Nui had to adapt it a little since Koronga actually admits openly to not being a native.





Replies to reviews:

lance -- Yep. See here:

http://biosector01.c...ties_and_Traits

And:

http://biosector01.c...cation)#History

Basically, the Mata Nui island creation was an accidental triggering of that system due to the crash. :)


TL -- I may as well say now that didn't end up having space to have that kind of thing happen, but we do seem to know pretty much what would happen -- the Bohrok, at least, would be sent against the aliens, and try to Krana-ify them. If worst comes to worst, possibly kill them. (Of course, if he had run into a world with tech more advanced than the GB tech, that would be different!)


NT -- For this story I decided to leave it as one of those mysteries that doesn't get answered. However, I do know the answer, and if I do make the shorter sequel I've been planning, I am pretty well decided that they'll be involved (taking place long after the Reforming of SM). Not 100% sure, though, or even if I really will write it, but I've got very specific plans written down, so I probably will.

Koronga mentions in this chapter that he's unsure about this, but I have in mind that the sword's powers work the same as normal Tool powers in Bionicle (like Lhikan's hoverboard flight power for example), which seem to work similarly to mask powers, automatically recharging after a duration of use. My interpretation of most such protodermic power sources is that the molecules grab whatever energy source they can from the environment, especially (non-lung-powered) oxygen reactions at the object's surface, and heat. But yeah, probably channeling the energy from "eating" could speed it up, if you knew how. Not something I chose to involve, though.

(Note that some protodermic powers instead definitely run out of power eventually, namely Kanoka, but masks made out of them don't.)


Yalda -- Yeah, the idea came from the need to put images in the story, and those images are so cool, so I thought of trying to incorporate them somehow as a result of that. Glad you liked it. And thanks for catching that (rather silly lol) typo.

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#123 Offline RahkshiToa88

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Posted Jul 23 2014 - 08:31 PM

This was another great chapter! This epic never ceases to amaze me! And Koronga putting on a fake Krana was one of the last things I thought would happen.


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#124 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Jul 30 2014 - 12:27 PM

Both the description of the way the Bohrohk work in synergy to clear off Mata Nui's face and the purpose of the Krana's mind control where really creative (and yeah, answered by question from last time :P). 

 

One typo I noticed: 

 

 

 

 "my face will need cleaned off."

 

(Unless there's some rule of English I don't know, which is most assuredly possible  :fear: ).

 

-TLhikan


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#125 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Jul 30 2014 - 03:34 PM

Author's Comments for Chapter 23: The Taste of Lies

This chapter was an interesting challenge. Because I have always been fascinated by the belief illusion power of the Bahrag, I wanted to include it now to try to see if I could put a new twist on how you could solve the mystery, but I have used it twice already in my other fanfics, and of course there's the canon use later, and we just saw a partial illusion, as he mentions. Plus there's the factor that longtime fans will probably guess the truth long before he does. I think I like how it turned out, though, and the psychological effect it has on him took me by surprise, and ended up having long-lasting effects, as implied by the closing line. Will be interesting to see if it works for readers. :)

 

Update relevant to a past chapter:

 

Greg finally weighed in on Lesovikk's team -- they were indeed disintegrated by the spears. The comment that went with that has been edited to reflect the change.


Note:

This bit about a combination code to open the tunnel is non-canon. And the actual way down is also more complex than this, though its portrayal varies in different media. I am interpreting it as having multiple ways to get down and this is just the one that was activated for Koronga. Off the top of my head, I do not recall if a spiral staircase was ever included in any official source.

 

Note:

Koronga's later speculation, that the Zyglak wandered all over, is likely the case, and later on they would show up in various places that are not the northern continent; in fact, I'm not even certain they were ever on it, though it makes sense. For this story I am assuming the majority of them wandered in a roughly southward direction, since later they are confirmed to be on the Southern Continent (or were before ending up at a location related to that).





Replies to reviews:

RT -- Heh, thanks. I actually wasn't sure, going into it what would happen in that case. The reason I ended up going for a fake Krana was that I decided I wanted the Bahrag to have the issue with Koronga shown in 23, and that wouldn't work if their attention was on the swarms when he was in Matoran form during that part of Mata Nui's test (and Mata Nui would think of it as not wanting to distract from their mission and slow them down). Originally it was going to be a real Krana that would then command him to take it off. Also, the repeated theme of the illusion is setting up something for much later. Anywho...

 

 

TL -- Thanks. Not sure what typo you mean there, it looks in order to me. :shrugs:


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#126 Offline NuvaTube

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Posted Jul 31 2014 - 05:04 AM

"They stole the weapons and killed several Va before they found the way out," Can the Va really be said to be alive? They're robots really, like the Bohrok, right? Maybe you should say destroyed instead?

 

It's occurred to me: since Koronga's swords are non-Protodermic solids, they must be some of the most valuable things in the MU. I bet a lot of beings like the Makuta would love to get their hands on them to study them.

 

Oh, I noticed in Chapter 1 or 2 Koronga refers to a plant as Bamboo. I know the MNOG actually called a bamboo-like plant bamboo, but none of this is on Earth. The term "bamboo" bugs me a little, I know it's easier to say babmoo, but it breaks the immersion a little, like the term "humanoid" etc. maybe just describe it a little. Also, you describe the Bahrag as looking like "tyrannosaurian" as well as the Rock Steed before, same thing here. 

 

Still, loving the series!!!!!!!!!!


Edited by NuvaTube, Jul 31 2014 - 04:37 PM.

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#127 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jul 31 2014 - 01:28 PM

This one's going to be quickish: sorry if some of this has already been addressed.

 

I've reread this a little, and I realize that I missed some earilier clues to Koronga's character. I haven't gotten back to 16 (I haven't quite solved the puzzle) yet, but I'd like to put this out here for now: 
 
Theory: In this story, Energized Protodermis is capable of clairvoyance, like the artificial version. 
 
Theory: This is responsible for the Mask-of-shadows appearance in Chapter 8. 
 
Theory: This is responsible for Koronga's vision in Chapter 1. 
 
Alrighty. 
 
Chapter 21: I liked the aliens - they were pleasingly strange. I also liked the big fire-dragon: thought that was cool, although that might have just been the drawing. :shrugs:
 
Just for fun: Theory: The aliens have sworn off fighting for whatever reason, probably because of some tragedy in the not-to-recent past (a Shattering? :P probably not) which was fixed by the bird creatures. 
 
Chapter 22: I really like how Koronga's childlike eagerness is brought out in this chapter. The childishness of Mata Nui really makes for an interesting character dynamic - they both sound like kids in a candy shop - and they both have a bunch of money. "Wait, you will do all this for me?" It was really helpful to see the mentality in earilier chapters as well, where it could be overlooked, but both 20 and 22 bring it out where I can see it, and the result is terrific. :)
 
After all, isn't Bionicle a kid's story? *bangs head on desk* I feel so old now. :P
 
Chapter 23: I liked the fake krana thing in 22 a good deal - I thought it made for a more powerful moment, because the "mind telling to take it off" thing could have been confusing (for Koronga and us), and it might have made for more lines of dialogue in a chapter already filled with it (not that I mind chapters of dialogue, as I'm prone to write them myself :)). Your comment, however, makes it feel like the events of 23 were forced. I didn't pick this up when reading at all, so that's good, I suppose. 
 
But I'm biased. I like 23 a whole lot. It's in the running for my favorite chapter yet, and I'm very glad that you wrote it the way you did. :D
 
Unfortunately, I can't say why. :ziplip: Not for a very long while, I imagine. 

Edited by fishers64, Jul 31 2014 - 01:29 PM.

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#128 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Aug 02 2014 - 03:57 PM

It took me a second to catch that Koronga was in an illusion cage, so well done on that :D.

 

Not sure what typo you mean there, it looks in order to me.

 

 

I was under the impression that it should be "My face will need to be cleaned off" or "My face will need cleaning off", but I could be wrong.

 

-TLhikan


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#129 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Aug 06 2014 - 09:14 PM

Author's Comments for Chapter 24: The Great City

By page count this is the longest chapter yet, but the actual text is about average -- it has probably the most images of any chapter, at least in the "short" chapters in the first half of the story. More relevant, it's another of the major transition chapters, giving us the first mysterious glimpses of what will drive the non-canon story for the rest of the epic. As a side note, the original draft mentioned those Glatorian pilots in passing again. That bit's been taken out, but the original chapter mentioning them still hasn't been updated... I really should get around to that, huh?

Note:

The original image shown with the seaweed stuck to the giant robot was with red eyes; this is my color edit to turn them back to Mata Nui's green.

Note:

As far as I know, it's unconfirmed just how much about this Helryx did know, or if anybody inside (other than those two deceased Glatorian pilots, Mata Nui, and Tren Krom) knew that it was a giant robot.

Note [paragraph containing "several important staffs"]:

Only the Staff of Artakha is canon in this paragraph, and this origin explanation of it is not.

Note ["absorbed any gravity over"]:

This theory about the gravity of the megaplanets is non-canon. It's not technically known whether the alien planets even are so large, though it seems necessary by virtue of the fact that Mata Nui is confirmed to have landed on them.

Note:

Exactly how this process [purifying protodermis] works or specifically what the parts of the machine in this image do are unknown.

Note:

The image of the Ko-Metru interior above really is of a transport station, but for a method of transportation that probably wasn't invented yet at this time. I'm interpreting it here as having later been converted for that other method but originally being used as a waystation for robotic buses or the like.

Note:

It was more difficult for Le-Metru than anywhere else to select images that didn't have things invented later. The many hovering craft seen in this probably did not exist yet, but to crop those out here would leave almost nothing left to show. So, just disregard those, although they could be interpreted as very early alternatives to what canonically they are later (see a later chapter for a feature of such an alternative).

Note:

This helmet [worn by the mysterious Toa], including its purpose to help conceal an identity, which Koronga guesses correctly, is canon, but only for a different character much later. Its origins officially are unknown. The character described as wearing it here is non-canon.

Note:

It's quite possible, of course, that none of the bird Rahi featured in this chapter were created yet at this point. The Gukko relatives entered the canon due to a complex series of retcons where one version replaced another and some were entirely decanonized for a while and then finally recanonized.





Replies to reviews:

NT -- Yeah, destroyed would make more sense.

And yes, the material of the SM swords would be rare, but unless there's a "gold principle" (rare material equals valuable), I'm not sure what use anybody would have for them. Unlike protodermis, you can't get powers out of them or anything else interesting -- they're just plain old metal. :P Of course, they could serve as evidence he isn't a native, but I may as well say I somehow didn't think of using that angle. :shrugs:

For study, though, I suppose.

And bamboo and tyrannosaurian are "translations" (and bamboo is the canon term), so same answer as previous examples. None of the English words are really there, so the same logic if applied consistently would say it couldn't be in English at all. :P Same would apply to "tree", "crab", etc.



fishers -- I wouldn't say it was forced per se (though if it had felt that way to you, that wouldn't have surprised me), since it does make sense Mata Nui wouldn't want to waste the Bahrag's time, so what they do in 23 does follow naturally. (And I don't allow anything I actually am forcing.) I guess it's one of those things that could have gone either way plausibly, and I picked the one I felt was more dramatic. :shrugs: That's a good point about more dialogue in the alternative being too confusing, yeah.

As for your theories, I'll be able to comment on the first three better after one of the upcoming chapters in Part 3 (if I'm remembering right) [Okay, that was this chapter. Then a simple yes to the first three. :)]. About the aliens, I didn't have in mind that they don't fight per se, but that they fear those who are of the Shame. Had he just seemed like somebody else trying to stake that land, it was implied at the start of the conversation that they might fight over it if he didn't leave. And no, there was no Shattering there. As for the birds' involvement, no comment. :)



TL -- Not that I recall offhand, but even if a teacher/professor might require that on a school paper, this is dialogue; perfect formality is not only not expected, it wouldn't really fit. (Although you could make a case as he's an AI... but I'd rather not. :P)

Edited by bonesiii, Aug 07 2014 - 02:31 PM.

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#130 Offline avmatoran

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Posted Aug 07 2014 - 06:41 AM

I've been reading your story, and I must say I've enjoyed it. I especially enjoy your description of protodermis, even though I'm continually working to make sure I've wrapped my mind around it! I'm afraid I cannot give a very detailed review right now, although I will try to later. I did think of something in this chapter that I had questions on, though. 

 

If the Great Beings could program protodermis to mold into things, and it can do wacky things like manipulate gravity, couldn't they have just said "Mold into this part, then this protodermis flow into this socket and mold into the next piece, then this flow up and mold into the screw to keep it in place" and so on and so forth? It seems more efficient that having to assemble it all themselves.


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Γαρ επιστιμη!

 

Для науки!

 

For science!

(Literally, it means "For knowledge", but it can be taken as "For science")

 

 

 


#131 Offline RahkshiToa88

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Posted Aug 07 2014 - 06:44 PM

"Dug into the past-" I liked that little pun. Great chapter as usual, and this Ba-Toa is certainly getting me interested. Is it a canon character?


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#132 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Aug 09 2014 - 03:27 PM

Cool descriptions Metru Nui and how it works.

 

So, does purified protodermis congeal into a metallic solid after being heated, or does the heat just burn out the rest of the impurities? 

 

-TLhikan


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#133 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Aug 13 2014 - 08:00 PM

Hey bones - I've finally crawled back to BZP reading! Glad I started with your story as this is going to help me get my head back into this. :) I see I have quite a bit of catching up to do, so I think I may read a bit quickly. Perhaps conserve some of my mystery-solving energies for your next BP episode. ;)

 

Chapter 1: Good decision to start with a single POV, rather than a sweeping narrative that kind of spoils everything already. When people set themselves to the task of writing out an already established story, it is easy for them to treat it at arms length so it feels impersonal. You're doing the opposite - weaving your own ideas into it while speaking outside of the story to the reader to ensure it is clear what is canon and what is not. I can't help but imagine BZP is going to link to this officially (among other resources) if BIONICLE makes a return and we start getting new members. Solid beginning - I'm surprised by how much more I want to know!

 

Chapter 2: It's a cool angle you've given this character that he knows so much about physics, but struggles to survive with the basics. In a way, he has to reverse engineer his knowledge! Adds an interesting progression to the story. I'm now starting to see how interesting your approach to this project is. You're really sticking with this character (although just two chapters might not be a good reference), so this makes me wonder how you're going to cover so many events. Interested to see how that works out.

 

Chapter 3: He really isn't off to a good start with his life. :P (Also, I'm sensing there's not too much more for me to say in each chapter after initial impressions, so let's just let this flow as I read.)

 

Chapter 4:  "From here the vaulted scientists governed the rest of the civilized world, and carried on their secretive experiments." It should be "vaunted."

Did a double-take at the three year journey. You're really taking the longevity of their lives seriously for telling a realistic story!

 

Chapter 6: "I decided Metus had been wrong when he'd complained that the Great Beings were bad rulers because they didn't want the job. Maybe that was the mark of a good ruler." Nice nod to the old thinkers of our planet. ;)

 

Review to be continued!


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#134 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Aug 14 2014 - 04:25 AM

Author's Comments for Chapter 25: Unrest

Now time begins to move forward rapidly again, but unlike the SM era, it comes with a lot more exact (or approximate) reckoning of years (after the giant's launch / Shattering). In the text file versions, any (as intended, some have probably been missed) mention of a specific time in-story is marked by a sidebar comment that is simply that number after the word Year. I'm not including these here as it's intended as a clickable link system, like the comments I mentioned are also with the chapter titles. The reckoning system will be mentioned in a later chapter as a Matoran custom.

Note:

Helryx's explanation of the meaning of the helmet is non-canon. The only known instance of such a helmet is worn by someone who had been an important hero, but due to circumstances I won't spoil here, no longer had that job. The others who speak with him do not seem especially surprised by the helmet, so I theorize that something like Helryx's explanation is the case.

However, it's also possible, since that took place in a dark room, that the observers simply assumed it was a strange Kanohi mask they were unfamiliar with. I opted for a more interesting explanation.

 

Note ["These needed replaced."]:

It's still unclear if the Red Star's “Sendback” teleporter was broken already at this point, but it's possible some Matoran would die on the Red Star (they can only be revived from the giant robot's interior) from a freak accident, or would be sent back to a distant land and be unable to return. Also, since it's confirmed that destruction of the brain prevents revival, some could still die permanently even this far back in history.

 

Note:

Image is of a later form of Maglya, top color-edited by me to add the "Metru silver".

 

Note:

To be clear, Shonin is a non-canon character. The image shown for him is of a random unnamed Matoran whose storyline role is unknown. What is known is that Toa Helryx does have such a rule against Matoran or Toa being members, and the reason why (which I'm keeping mysterious for now in the story; read on).

 

Note ["massive millipedes" and "big beetles"]:

These specific designs of vehicles might not have been designed yet. They are officially named after a type of robot that is not invented yet. In this story I'm going with the explanation that they are later assigned for use by those robots, while other vehicles may not be, so the name simply denotes who (or what) owns them.

 

Note ["I learned why"]:

Not every image of Matoran has the silver paint. I may try to edit them into every single one later (of the masks that had it; some Matoran, especially later in history, don't have it), but unsure if I'll have time.

 

Note:

It is non-canon that Orde is involved with the Order's (pun not intended heh) method for gaining mind shielding, nor do we know how they do it. It seems much later that they have a more efficient means, but this may be a valid early version or backup, suitable for non-members.

 

Note:

The images of Teridax and Mutran are both of forms they were to take after the 100,000 years since the Shattering. Teridax may have taken a form very similar to this one previously. Mutran's form is probably basically accurate, except for the weapon held in his chest with clawlike ribs, which wouldn't be invented until much later, and likely his wings would really be much larger as the wings shown wouldn't be of use for flight.





Replies to reviews:

av -- Essentially that's exactly what they did -- the Great Beings themselves didn't put it together. They had different bits of protodermis move around other bits of protodermis. As for why they didn't make each bit move itself, the programming for such powers would take up space in the molecule, space that wouldn't leave as much room for the programming of what that bit was meant to do. If you put them all in place and then go around reprogramming each molecule, you might miss some, and the whole thing would glitch (and finding glitches in completed, complex programming is very hard). It's more time-efficient to put the right programming in the right pieces from the start.


RT -- No. See second-to-last comment for that chapter. :)

 

 

TL -- Well, turning solid isn't about becoming more or less pure, since a liquid of high purity can exist while a solid (like a Kanoka) of low purity can also exist. So basically the former. Something about the temperature yo-yo-ing from cool to superheated to cool seems to signal the molecule to alter itself. My theory is it's simply part of the "primitive interface" design intended by the Great Beings to allow fairly simpleminded Matoran to manipulate an advanced molecule without needing to understand how it works. The city guide seems to imply this particular interface depends on amount of time; rapid yo-yo-ing produces more purity, while a long time of heating makes it turn solid when cooled. Apparently.

 

 

TN -- Great to have you reading! To specifics: Well, I don't know if I'd call it "officially" linking, but I do plan to eventually include this in the "useful story resources" post in S&T's "One-Stop" topic, for that reason. :) Haven't bothered yet though since it's still so incomplete as far as what's publicly visible yet. Glad you liked the "reverse engineering" thing, and nice catch about rulers! Also thanks for typo alert.


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#135 Offline fishers64

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Posted Aug 14 2014 - 11:18 AM

As for the birds' involvement, no comment. :)

Hmm. It's kind of hard to see the birds as a big deal here, so they're probably a hint to a minor thing or a component of one of your other stories. :shrugs:

Chapter 24:
 

Okay, that was this chapter. Then a simple yes to the first three. :)


Huh, what?

I am quite pleasantly surprised - I expected to see something like "no comment" - not direct confirmation. Woot woot! ^_^ I suspect there is a bit more to it than that, though. :)

I see that you have even improved upon it in 24 with this revelation:
 

That solved a major mystery I'd struggled with. The destiny programming of both was the same. "Could they influence destiny in the new substance?"

"Yes. They had to or they couldn't have made so much more in the short span of time they did before the Shattering. But they could not read or alter those destinies that were already coded; they could only add to them. After that, they found lakes near the construction site that were rich with most of the minerals they needed, and secretly hired some Agori to mine for the rest. They dumped it all in the lakes and seeded them with the first molecule, with a destiny to construct more around it, and give the same instructions to the new ones, until the resources ran out."


Ah, yes. The mystery is the destiny inherited from the natural protodermis molecules - it's the Destiny of Bionicle! :P

Theory: Given that Koronga isn't artificially constructed, he only has the "natural" destiny without the additional programming the GBs put in for the artificial version.

I imagine that we will be seeing more of the "effects" of the "natural" destiny. I think that will be fun to speculate on - which is natural, what is artificial, what the natural destiny actually is. It only took me 24 chapters out of 90 (?thought it was 90) to see that , though, but now that it's here I'm enjoying the thought immensely.

Also: smooth mystery switch pulled off excellently yet again. :)

Theory: If the being is a Toa, he is wearing a Kanohi Suletu in order to read Koronga's thoughts, allowing him to go ahead of Koronga and know even with shapeshifting.

Theory: If the being isn't a Toa, he is an evil shapeshifted Makuta. Makuta do have telepathy and Gravity powers after all. (Although whether they can use them while shifted is confusing, so this one probably has holes.)

Chapter 25:

 

I thought the mental shielding thing was a matter of training and concentration, rather than a substance. It feels similar to a theory I saw in some story of the "liar's palace" - i.e. "walking though" your illusion and accepting it as truth temporarily, then walking out of it. All that would be needed after that would be to "blank" the palace out so it's just a bunch of empty rooms, and then slowly dissolve even that out so nothing reads there. Then you train the subconcious to do all of that automatically, so your concious mind can focus on other things even with the sheild up.

Although the substance is easier to explain than that long and convoluted explanation, so yeah. :P

And obviously they ditched the "no Matoran joining" rule for Mazeka. (You know that, right? I'm wondering why they ended it, if it was even there, and why it would be there in the first place canonically is questionable at best. :shrugs:)

Still, good chapter all around. :)


Edited by fishers64, Aug 14 2014 - 03:32 PM.

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#136 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Aug 14 2014 - 08:50 PM

Continuing through Chapters 7 - 10, I've gone back and read some of the early reviews. I have to delay them a bit since some might mention content from a group of chapters, spoiling something for me, but I'm reading pretty fast so I may be caught up this weekend!

 

I agree somewhat with the common critique that the protagonist seemed too artificial. The argument doesn't totally work, though, since that is the intent in a way - being suddenly created with tons of knowledge but no life experience. There's "naturally" going to be some awkward narration as the narrator himself adjusts to his existence and the dissonance between his knowledge, his life experience, his body, his expressions, his still-developing personality, etc. What makes this work for me is that you have to read further on to his near-death encounter with the protodermis in the Northern Frost to see him really take a shift toward living with purpose. His character seems to take on more definite form in a matter of sentences in that chapter - what we would call a "pivotal character development moment." ;)

 

And hey, if we want to go even further than this, we could say that the awkwardness in the beginning is part of a meta-commentary on the artificiality of consciousness itself. Hey, if you wanna run with that argument, knock yourself out. :P

 

Chapter 10: "Mental gender identities were included, though there was no physical purpose to them, apparently just because the Great Beings were accustomed to thinking of beings in terms of gender."

Neat way to tell us more about the Great Beings - they do have gender, and also that they might not have fully dissociated from that construct when creating new beings. The more this story develops, the more obvious it becomes how flawed they are and how they really are just scientists and hardly even philosophers.

 

"Clouds curled around its ankles."

Thrilling.

 

Great depiction of the Shattering. For me after being a few years away from the story, it's actually very refreshing to be reading the entire story in true chronological order. Getting some of that old excitement. ;)

 

Chapter 11: Very enjoyable and sweeping journey through the Matoran Universe (and we've made it this far! Well done, Koronga.) Some of this was new to me, especially the Toa with the ground-shaping staff. Also had somewhat forgotten about the original giant sea Rahi. Big beasties are always fun to write. :P

 

Chapter 13: I didn't expect the detailed journey or his exposure to the Toa Mata, but I enjoyed it. Felt like his first real connection with the Matoran and what is arguably his true home. That does make me think, however... has the story actually confirmed that Koronga was created in that very moment at the clifftop on Spherus Magna? If not, then it's entirely possible that there's a third universe involved. I also wonder if Koronga is going to find out where the Great Beings went after the Shattering. If I recall correctly, they didn't stay on the planet but went somewhere else.

 

Chapter 14: I personally approve of your non-canon exploration of the "Inner Workings" of the robot. It all pretty much makes sense from what we already have confirmed, anyway. Cool sketch of the maintenance robots - the "wheels" remind me of the electric airships from The Matrix and I wonder if that was an inspiration? Seems like the most efficient way to travel through narrow tubes anyway, which was also proven by the movies.

 

"A transcendant version of it was present already in natural protodermis" - Did you mean "transcendent"?

 

Some good ol' nutty bonesiii physics theory right here (and in Chapter 15) with the protodermis molecules. Love it. :D

 

"It listed them by Mata Nui's priority of current focus, so the one at the top was always the one that took up the most space on the huge screen."

 

Clever reference to the Great Beings' equivalent of RAM and an activity monitor!

 

Interesting speculation at the end about the nature of good, and its relationship to longevity. In my view, the shorter one knows one will live, the more likely they will resort to evil actions in order to gain more for themselves more quickly. The basic mentality of I'm dying soon so I deserve this. And the longer one lives, the more likely they will either go evil or good, because the potential for leaving a greater legacy of good or evil is greater over a longer period of time. So in my view, evil is highly possible in both scenarios, but in the longer life scenario good is just as possible.

 

Thus, it's better to live longer as you'll have more time to build your legacy of good... as well as more time to commit evil deeds and later feel remorse and make amends by turning back to good. This is kind of why I seriously advocate scientific immortality for humans, as it means we would need to adapt to a new life of living with the consequences of our actions rather than passing them onto future generations.

 

Chapter 15: "Language, identity, and similar things would be essentially for a being to be able to survive in his world." - Think you meant "essential."

 

3D printing wasn't something I expected to see here, but the concept works very well for solving the problem of how to create a complex biomechanical being with the same base material. Well done - loving your style of filling in the unanswered bits of Bionicle while keeping it on the path of significant events.

 

I swept through 16-20 because it was way too engrossing to watch the Makuta come into being. Nice description of the antidermis' physics too. It was a bit bizarre but very appropriate to portray the Makuta as morally balanced, since that was how they were at first. It'll make their evil turn later on more impactful (as well as more dramatic to the newcomer).

 

I definitely did not expect Koronga's secret to spill out as early as it did in the Matoran Universe, but I agree with your decision to steer the plot in that direction. I imagine it steered itself a bit - for him to continue escaping the Great Spirit and now the Makuta even after they knew of him and began to hunt him would have stretched credibility too far. Sign of a good twist - it's unexpected when it comes, but makes sense when other things are taken in account.

 

Great description of Karzahni. I had forgotten just how bad that place was, and this certainly reminded me. It's a little jarring, however, since I thought a lot less time had passed since the Shattering, but I do realize that many of these events are taking place over years rather than days. Still, I had thought Karzahni went bad a bit later.


Edited by Takuta-Nui, Aug 20 2014 - 10:23 AM.

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#137 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Aug 21 2014 - 01:35 AM

Author's Comments for Chapter 26: Signs of Aging

I see brickshelf is down for maintenance. Irony. So... since I went back to using that, the images for this chapter won't show up right away... Hm... You know... Me no likey. *goes off to change hosting sites at least for this chapter* *does that*

*takes a while due to TV and other topics*

*finds out brickshelf is back, rendering previous delay pointless in hindsight*

*sighs, leaves the links as new site for now to get this up faster* I'll put them back to brickshelf later; one person in S&T said this other site apparently messed up a different image for their system, so apparently unreliable.

Note ["Karzahni was situated"]:

We don't know the actual arrangement of these routes. This is a theory based on the outer appearance of the neck area of the giant robot. All we know for sure is there is at least one water route between Metru Nui and other lands, and one route that goes through Karzahni's realm. The water route or routes have been described as having “sea gates” -- here I interpret the plural as implying two routes, but it could mean a gate with two halves, hinges on both sides, for a single route. And both routes might go through the main neck itself.

 

Note ["bounced off"]:

This barrier keeps out all people with a certain elemental association. Read on to find out which element!

 

Note:

Toa Hagahu's name is derived from the canon term "Hagah", which means guardian.

 

Note:

The image shown for the Ba-Toa's black Mask of Vision is my own modification of one of BS01's images of Kopaka's mask. I flipped the right side to patch over the visors, and darkened it from white. It is canon that visors such as Kopaka's and another Toa in later times are special add-ons by the maker of that particular mask, and are not inherent to the mask shapes. However, no canon image of a visorless standard form of a Great Mask exists; only for the Noble level (see note below).

 

Note:

The image of the black Noble Mask of Vision is my own color edit of a white Matoran Kanohi in that shape, worn by a Matoran in later story. No actual canon Turaga have been featured in official story wearing this mask, but it's confirmed that they could.

 

Note:

The version of a Mask of Levitation mentioned earlier -- the shape of the Matoran mask of the weapons merchant Shonin -- is the Noble form.

 

Note:

It is disputed whether Turaga can be accurately described as physically weak.

In all canon portrayals they have been shown much like an elderly man or woman, especially the famous scene of a Turaga trying in vain to fend off a Rahkshi by tapping it on the head weakly with his staff. However, apparently Greg at some point may have said that in some sense they actually have more strength than a typical Matoran, and Matoran have often been portrayed as  amazingly strong. Some say this refers to a type of strength rather than overall strength, such as stamina versus raw pushing force. Others say they are overall stronger. I prefer to stick with the portrayals we've actually seen, as there seems to be no point in retconning these, so I lean more towards the stamina explanation.

In any case, Turaga are physically weaker than Toa.





Replies to reviews:

fishers -- Yes, there is much more to it. To your first theory, I'll go with no comment, except that at least after the story starts, definitely nobody was adding destiny instructions to him. Yes, 90 chapters (as planned anyways; now working on 84). See the latest chapter about the Toa.

I agree about the mental shielding, but note this from one of the comments: "It seems much later that they have a more efficient means, but this may be a valid early version or backup, suitable for non-members." The method the actual Order members later have was permanent, basically, but Koronga is only given one that requires him to periodically get a replacement. (In other words, a means of controlling him.) I also have in mind that even members would keep some of it around, though (for example, if they needed to protect a witness temporarily or something from telepathic reading).

And yeah, I know about Mazeka. Pretty sure it was from his story that we heard about the rule, since that was when they broke it. (Or was it Krakua, as the Toa version? But Helryx was a Toa... but yeah.) Of course, Mazeka was willing to do "the thing that Shonin wouldn't do" and "the thing that Koronga doesn't yet suspect", so yeah.


TN -- Glad that ended up working for you. And that basically seems to confirm my earlier suspicion that the weekly publishing made some readers more prone to make more of that than there was; you read it the way it was intended, with the ability to quickly read on to the context later. Lucky. :P (And like I said back then, there are good reasons it had to be done that way. If it ends up being something readers have to have patience with on the whole to get to better parts later, I'm okay with that. :) This isn't meant to be a populist work, and I definitely wanted to produce the "gets better and better later" sense, as I tend to like that kind of story a lot myself. ^_^ Who knows if that'll get pulled off consistently, though. Hard to gauge for a story that's this long.)

No, readers do not know if Koronga really was first created atop the cliff. He assumes he was. I shall neither confirm nor deny. Definitely something abnormal occurred there; that's all I'll say.

Re: Great Beings' current location, that's come up in S&T before... I'm pretty sure the answer was that they're still on the planet, but I'm honestly a bit fuzzy on it now. Most of them, though, definitely left the region where the Agori and Glatorian (that we saw in 2009) live, although Angonce might have stayed nearer (might not have; he used some kind of ancient tech to check up on them remotely).

Yes, Matrix was the inspiration there. :)

Re: Karzahni timing -- I mentioned in a previous comment that this portrayal may be stretching some things a bit to get them into the story early, since I wouldn't have a chance to have the protagonist go there until quite a long time later, but the thinking there was that the construction time of the giant robot (prior to the "Year of Change" that lends its theme to the title of Part Two; the year of the giant's launch and the Shattering) may have taken many years, and Matoran being damaged a lot before the lights came on and while the universe was new makes a lot of sense.

We also know that aside from the Southern Continent group, including Velika, nobody ever came out of Karzahni, and Greg said word travels fast in the MU, so you'd think if he was doing things right by the launch year, he would have had to send a lot of people back. That seems to force his corruption into an early time, probably in emotional reaction against his loss of the contest with Artakha, so word spreads fairly quickly that workers aren't being sent back repaired on schedule. There's more to the logic here that's affected by a later event of the retelling but I'll save comment for then. Even if in actuality he did go corrupt later (and presumably not many people were injured early), I'm okay with stretching it for this story for the above reasons.


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#138 Offline avmatoran

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Posted Aug 21 2014 - 07:28 AM

Okay, this story gets better and better every chapter. I also now mostly understand your explanation of protodermis, and it pops into my head every time we mention cells in human A&P! :P Of course, you have given me more to understand in this chapter. Also, I am deliriously happy that Koronga is a Matoran of Light. It also explains how Mata Nui was able to change Koronga's color. I was wondering about that, as Koronga is technically not one of Mata Nui's nano tech workers.
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Γαρ επιστιμη!

 

Для науки!

 

For science!

(Literally, it means "For knowledge", but it can be taken as "For science")

 

 

 


#139 Offline NuvaTube

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Posted Aug 21 2014 - 07:42 AM

"A Makuta did not assign a level seven Rahkshi to a task unless he was deadly serious." Perhaps: unless they were deadly serious. Makuta can be male or female after all.


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#140 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Aug 22 2014 - 11:49 AM

Having spend this summer in a similar job to Koronga's first, I can appreciate his frustration at first :P.

 

The other chapter was exciting; the more hints we get about Koronga's true origins, the more the BP-like sense of mystery builds. 

 

-TLhikan


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#141 Offline fishers64

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Posted Aug 22 2014 - 01:54 PM

And yeah, I know about Mazeka. Pretty sure it was from his story that we heard about the rule, since that was when they broke it. (Or was it Krakua, as the Toa version? But Helryx was a Toa... but yeah.) Of course, Mazeka was willing to do "the thing that Shonin wouldn't do" and "the thing that Koronga doesn't yet suspect", so yeah.

FTR, I reread the entirety of Brothers in Arms today and didn't see a thing about Matoran or Toa not being allowed to join. There's something fuzzy in my mind that says it could have been there, but the source isn't ringing in. 
 
Theory: I suspect that what you are referring to with the quoted phrases is kill someone, since Mazeka did that (at least, he thought he did that) before getting recruited by the Order. 
 
Anyway.
 

To your first theory, I'll go with no comment, except that at least after the story starts, definitely nobody was adding destiny instructions to him.

No, readers do not know if Koronga really was first created atop the cliff. He assumes he was. I shall neither confirm nor deny. Definitely something abnormal occurred there; that's all I'll say.

:) 
 
Chapter 26: Mysterious Matoran is Matoran of Light yadda yadda. Copyright 2003 Bionicle Mask of Light the Movie. :P
 
Sorry, couldn't resist. Light barrier + evil Rahkshi gave it away. :P Actually I liked the fact that Rahkshi were included here given all the other callbacks/refrences to the movie anyway. It was kind of a surprise to me that the Toa transformation didn't work, and the rescue happened some other way. (But then again, not really...) Actually, the light "barrier" and the "no transformation" thing strikes me as poetic reference to each other. And the typical "light vs. shadow" dynamic is expanded and preserved. Nice. 
 
It also opens the possibility that one of the Matoran created in the beginning of the MU glitched and fell into EP and went back in time...but since there is no time travel in Bionicle, I want to say that it's the wrong thing. (Why I didn't remember the rule before when I was thinking of the retelling circular time algorithm is preposterous. But that explanation wouldn't give me a circular time algorithm anyway, and I better stop before I give myself a headache.) In any event, a severely fantastic explanation would be needed in a universe devoid of time travel for a retelling circular algorithm. This means that it is unlikely the circular alogrithm exists, and if one does exist, I have yet to have thought of the explanation behind it. :)


Edited by fishers64, Aug 24 2014 - 03:22 PM.

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#142 Offline RahkshiToa88

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Posted Aug 24 2014 - 12:48 PM

I know I have to wait to find out about the Rahkshi, but I can't help asking myself: Why were they there? Who sent them? What business do they have with Koronga? Why were Rahkshi of anger sent? I have more questions, but most I have inferred answers for. This is enough.


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#143 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Aug 25 2014 - 07:46 PM

Read up to Chapter 26 now. I'm seeing a much fuller storytelling develop here now that Koronga is integrating into the MU and meeting different individuals, and it's very enjoyable.

 

Was cool to get a tour of Metru Nui like old times! We did know of the city's partial emphasis on processing protodermis, but your analysis was interesting and entertaining.

 

I'm thinking about the Ba-Toa. You've said that he is part of a larger storyline that will support the non-canon side of the story now that the excitement of the Shattering is past. I know you provide notes as to what is canon and what is not, but the link to each notes post is at the end of the chapter, not the beginning. This, along with the fact that the person has to actually click on it instead of diving right into the story even if the link was located at the beginning of the chapter, makes me worry that some new readers will be getting confused about canon Bionicle.

 

Perhaps once this is complete, you can add some kind of integrated notation that won't detract from the flow of the story. Something that you can click on to reveal a drop-down or pop-up blurb? Or lines of notes on the sides that aren't obtrusive, like how some word programs will show author notes in a sidebar with a line indicating what part of the text it's referring to.

 

Just my view that right now, having two separate bodies of text, one story and one notes, is a pretty artificial solution. I'm sure there is a way to bring the two closer together in some sort of interactive way.

 

Chapter 26: Didn't expect the Ba-Toa mystery to be resolved so quickly - although it really isn't, just revealed a larger mystery. And we're seeing a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy in the destinies at play here. It is Koronga's destiny to chronicle, and be part of, the events of Bionicle, even as he works to counter the evil that he has foreseen. I think 'minimize' might be a better term, though, since there has to be a level of acceptance that the evil will occur. Koronga just needs to grapple with the fact that some of his actions will appear successful while others will appear to have caused the evil. That seems to be happening now.

 

The light-barrier around Karzahni - is this canon? I can't remember. I do vaguely recall when the Matoran traveled there in the Voya Nui storyline and some had to stay behind while the others went into Karzahni itself...

 

Good to be caught up now. I'll be able to record my reactions to each chapter in more depth, and properly interact with other readers instead of just dumping my words here and walking away. :P


Edited by Takuta-Nui, Aug 26 2014 - 02:48 PM.

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#144 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Aug 28 2014 - 12:23 AM

Author's Comments for Chapter 27: The Trouble with Trade Quibbles

This is the longest chapter so far, and longer even than the average of the next 10 or more chapters, though the finale to Part 3 is longer. It's one of my favorite... except the part where the Arena Method said Koronga would scout out weapons the Vortixx were currently working on. It's boring and is probably the closest thing to an info dump in the entire story, but it did make sense he would try to get that intel and there wasn't much of any other way to report it except how he would write it in his memoir. :shrugs: I ended up keeping it because of that, and I almost like there being that break in what is otherwise a fairly intense chapter, as he's finally sticking his head up and making this cover identity known beyond Metru Nui, even to the Brotherhood.

 

In other news, I guess since I haven't yet gotten posts in it I might as well link readers to the loosely related Batch Two of my Micro-Bionicle LDDE MOCs project. Fans of my Paracosmos series may especially be interested to note a chart at the end showing the Paracosmos version of Rahkshi colors (all 42 powers now with a SINGLE color each, rather than the ugliness that is the canon colorations). There's also a chart for the canon versions (among other MOCs), which I might link in the appendix for this story. Clicky ye linky:

 

http://www.bzpower.c...llains-in-ldde/

 

In other other news: Real life may be getting more time consuming for me now, at least for a few days. Not sure if I'll be able to post a chapter on Wed-Thurs next week as I usually do (especially if brickshelf stays offline; I'd gotten images for the next chapter up there already so was counting on not needing to do that later... sigh). We'll see.

Note ["negotiations with Xia"]:

 

This is a canon event, mentioned briefly in Chapter 1 of The Mutran Chronicles, an online serial by Greg Farshtey. The role of the Ta-Matoran (and of course Koronga), and the merchant Shonin are non-canon, and the canon aspects have been elaborated in non-canon ways. You can read the serial here:

http://biosector01.c...tran_Chronicles

Note:

Roodaka is a canon character; Durva is not. The orange-eyed image I'm portraying as Durva here is actually an alternate portrayal of Roodaka.

 

Note:

As with the image of the aquatic species, the image of Pridak is not confirmed as his original canon form. That is unknown. Rather, it is a LEGO System version of a later mutated form of his, which failed to look much like the actual form, so I've repurposed it here.

 

Note ["It looked like a rock"]:]

 

This creature is canon but the description of it at this time is my interpretation, and the art, by me, is non-canon.

 

Note:

The Ghost Blasters that were actually featured in the main storyline much later fired solid light projectiles instead of the original ones. (To make a long story short.) These images are all of that third type. Presumably both the original and the Xian knockoffs were essentially the same in terms of the gun itself.

 

Note:

The image of a blue Toa inside a schematic of an Exo-Toa is my own color edit of a canon promotional image. The Toa is actually Tahu.

 

Note:

Canonically all Vortixx are now said to have black armor, but the comic artist drew this one with green armor without knowledge of that decision. I see no reason why they should all have the same color armor, so I'm ignoring that fact here.





Replies to reviews:

av -- cool! And glad you made that connection about the color change. I wasn't sure if it was too subtle (or too obvious for that matter).


NT -- Rightly, good catch.


TL -- Heh.


fishers -- Hm... I'm 95% sure (Monkism :P) it's canon (the no Matoran/Toa rule). Probably from a Greg quote then, about the Toa Code (since the Order violates it -- obviously Helryx herself is an exception though). And yes, I'm talking about the killing (no need to tease that one as it's common knowledge, just felt it would be more dramatic in-story to take a while to reveal it, and let readers feel smarter than Koronga about it :P).

As for the rest, all I'll say is that canon rules may not be relevant to Koronga.



TN -- Not sure if you caught it, but I said in the intro (to the review topic) that I'll eventually be releasing the text file versions, in which the notes are sidebar comments. If somebody chooses not to click the end-of-chapter link to its comments or later read the text file version, then everything should be assumed to be non-canon unless you know otherwise like a normal fanfic, to avoid the issue. In addition, most things involving Koronga directly will be non-canon (unless specified otherwise in a comment). :)

Of course, the comments are hard to ensure to be exhaustive, so any and all questions yall have about canonicity, this is the time and place to ask them so I can add comments as necessary before releasing text file version. ^_^

And no, no sidebar equivalent is possible with BZP format, unfortunately. I suppose a spoiler-tag system could work, but I'd rather not interrupt the narrative flow. In the text file version, people will be able to turn comments off if they're bothered by them, but anything I put in-text here won't be off-able, so yeah.

And I can't really put the link at the start, as notes may contain spoilers for the chapter. Each note, if it's relevant, does have the "FIND" text included so you can, if you really want to, search the chapter to find the exact spot the note was attached to in the text file version.

I also wouldn't really have time to populate a more difficult system. Very important with something this complex that I not bite off more than I can chew. As I'm sure you recall, there's been projects I've started before like that, that I had to seriously delay or cancel. Reformatting the images for BZP is already time-consuming enough and lately has been getting close to untenable. Bottom line is, the text file version already does that, it'll just need patience as I'm not releasing those yet.

Yes, the barrier is what forced Takanuva to have to go back. :)


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#145 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Aug 28 2014 - 09:57 AM

 Never thought I'd find trade negotiations entertaining, but there you go :P. It's also interesting to see how Koronga's naivete' is (once again :P) having unfortunate consequences.

 

-TLhikan 


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#146 Offline avmatoran

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Posted Aug 28 2014 - 03:33 PM

Yay. . . Trade negotiations. . . Glad to have some killing, Makuta, and imprisonment to spice it up! Here's hoping you can keep to the schedule next week! And the color change thing mighta been kinda subtle, since I thought it was rather a long shot when I thought of it, although the color change thing bugged me before the revelation that Koronga was an Av-Matoran.


Edited by avmatoran, Aug 28 2014 - 07:51 PM.

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76561198084608045.png

 

Γαρ επιστιμη!

 

Для науки!

 

For science!

(Literally, it means "For knowledge", but it can be taken as "For science")

 

 

 


#147 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Aug 31 2014 - 08:42 PM

Noted about the notes, bones. ;) I forgot you were releasing the text files, so that should work well enough. And yes, you should consider just completing this story enough work on your part! No reason why other members couldn't work on "post-production" and turn out something more streamlined.

 

Chapter 27... You had to make that title reference at some point in this story, didn't you. :P

 

Cool modern spin on Bionicle in this chapter, actually delving into the economics that would have risen after their sentience took full hold. I could follow it, actually, so I think your characters' reasoning and political savvy are pretty solid! This also let Koronga flex his mental muscles a bit and work on something besides his huge physics knowledge.

 

Enjoyed the mentions of Cordak, Nynrah, and Roodaka's appearance. A bit funny to see her as a lower-down employee at this point and thus being somewhat meek - but again like with the Makuta, it'll make her later role much more impactful. Honestly, my favourite part of this chapter was the expanded origin story of the living rock. I wouldn't have thought it possible, but you amped up the creepiness with its screaming introduction and later having Koronga identify feet and hands still poking out. Well done, I suppose?

 

Your edit of the Exo-Toa diagram showing how the Toa fits in is quite good - maybe one of the most useful edits (as opposed to simply changing an image to signify a non-canon character, which is perfectly fine). :)

 

Good wrap-up to this long chapter. Dilemmas, indeed.


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Updated September 14!

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#148 Offline RahkshiToa88

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Posted Sep 01 2014 - 08:41 AM

Nooo! Not the rock! If only he knew what it would become, so he could destroy it somehow.


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#149 Offline fishers64

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Posted Sep 02 2014 - 10:33 AM

@TN: It would count as a double reference, seeing as trade was what that episode was actually about. :P
 
Theory: Since Koronga's "awakening" from his vision is like awakening from a dream, Koronga is actually a consciousness caught in an endless dream cycle - he "awakes" from a dream of the events of Bionicle into a dream of the events of Bionicle, which he will then awake from into a dream of the events of Bionicle, and so on.

 

Theory: He never truly "wakes up" and as a result, never truly exists.

 

Theory: The natural "destiny" of the protodermis molecules generates this consciousness that thinks it's a Matoran and experiences this endless cycle of waking up into yet another dream, when it never truly wakes up.

 

:shrugs: Probably wrong. Again.  
 
Chapter 27: 


He forced my attention through one of his equations which showed that while temporary shortages might come about, in the medium long term, sales would increase and so would total profit, which would drive further manufacturing to meet the higher demand. In the long term, weapons would become more numerous and demand would lower again, making shortages nonexistent. He even had quotes from famous Matoran economists on both continents, who considered Metru Nui's position unrealistic.

I'm pretty sure that this is sound economic logic. Shonin's talk at the beginning was about too much demand leading to a raise in prices, which *pulls out famous macroeconomics graph* checks out. Lowering the price would force the Xians to increase supply in order to have enough widgets for themselves, which would make the shortage problem a short-term deal. The Xians, of course, don't want to do any more work than necessary, or torture their population with more work

 

Ironically, the Makuta's actions (property damage and unleashing a hungry rock) actually reduce the amount of Xian workers, which is a component of supply. While Icarax's actions may not be economically significant, Mutran's rock certainly is. It's a subtle example of how cruel the Makuta are starting to become.  
 

But I found myself unable to focus, because I kept thinking I was hearing someone screaming in another room.
 
Mutran and Icarax were seated around a table with similar blue hexagonal pixels for a computer screen surface. Mutran was working on a second presentation on his half and asking now and then for Icarax's input. Icarax was playing a primitive computer game simulating firing a weapon at 'enemy pixels' on his half and nodding absent-mindedly to Mutran's questions, even when they weren't yes or no questions.

1) I like that Icarax was playing a violent video game - feels definitely in character for him. :)
 
2) I thought that the screams were coming from the video game at first, not a rock. :shrugs: Probably just me though.


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#150 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Sep 06 2014 - 04:36 PM

Author's Comments for Chapter 28: Enough is Enough

I don't have time to say much this time, so there will be no detailed replies to reviews like I normally do. And sorry for the delay. I hope to have next week's chapter up on Thursday. As brickshelf is currently online and I don't have time to change sites for these next few chapters I'll just keep the brickshelf links I already prepared and hope it stays up. I also haven't re-re-proofread this one like I normally do... hope there's no big errors lingering...

 

Note:

Moavak's name and personality are not canon, nor are the details of his past as told here, but I will be using him in a canon-related way later on (to be clarified in future comments). Also, the trait of having a quick temper is known to be common to characters of the Fire element. Mask shape is canon, sketch is a non-canon image of it however by me.

These pirates are non-canon as well.


Edited by bonesiii, Sep 06 2014 - 04:37 PM.

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#151 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Sep 09 2014 - 02:02 PM

...That's not how "lieutenant" is spelled. ;)


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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#152 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Sep 10 2014 - 03:23 PM

Author's Comments for Chapter 29: Passwords

Wow, time has a way of flying, doesn't it? I can hardly believe Part 3 is almost posted now. Better work hard on squeezing in time somehow to write the end of this thing! In other news, I haven't been able to stop getting flooded with ideas for the sequel. I now feel pretty confident I want to write it. Just... prolly not right awaaaayy.... other stuff I should do first... yeah. But I've actually been doing a scene-by-scene outline for it, which I normally don't like to do, and it's all tentative of course, but just because so much was occurring to me and I don't trust my memory. If it goes how I'm thinking it should prove very fun, and out of the box. We'll see. >_>

Note ["blasts of elemental energy"]:

 

It is not confirmed that the energy they [Gafna] fire is itself elemental, only that they come in six elementally associated types.

 

Note:

Again, the term 'Glatorian' was not invented until after the Shattering, and nobody inside the Matoran Universe would hear it until much later, so this is meant as Koronga inserting the term in his memoirs as a translation to modern terminology; Hagahu would actually have used the ancient (unknown) term.

 

Note:

No canon images of this Rahi (called a Shallows Cat) exist, but images of its larger cousin, the Muaka, do. Image is by me, built at a much smaller scale than normal Bionicle MOCs.


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#153 Offline RahkshiToa88

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Posted Sep 10 2014 - 04:10 PM

Ahh, the Gafnas... seeing them brought back some not-so fond memories of the VNOG. No one likes Gafnas- not even Koronga.


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#154 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Sep 11 2014 - 12:36 PM

Poor Hagahu, I thought Vakama's visions where bad enough...

 

Interesting to see Brutaka's recruitment coming up; might a certain artifact that could kill everyone in the MU be making an appearance soon :P?

 

-TLhikan


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#155 Offline Iaredios

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Posted Sep 13 2014 - 06:35 AM

I am loving this so far. Akin to Star Wars and real-life, I love reading ancient stuff compared to the more modern-setting stories. The ancient past of Spherus Magna has so many possibilities, as does it's future. That's why I love this story and your personal attempt to reveal it.

Oddly enough, I too began a retelling of Bionicle over the summer, starting with Mata Nui's reawakening and telling through flashbacks, but trying to make it more mythological/legendary (Silmarillion helps with this). I had lost interest in my project by mid-July, but reading this has rekindled my spark, so I thank you!

I will be sure to continue reading this, as I am not done yet.

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#156 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Sep 14 2014 - 05:07 PM

Chapter 28: It was good to get a broader look of the progression (or devolution) of the MU over several thousand years. I've been wondering when Koronga would start to notice the real signs leading up to the Great Disruption, and I guess this is the first chapter to really set up for that.

 

I'm also interested in how Mata Nui's detachment is being presented here. The way you explain it with him having priority lists and operations, just like a computer, makes a lot more sense than just saying that the Great Spirit stopped paying attention. Theoretically, Mata Nui would study each planet constantly while he is there, so that would take up most of his brainpower. But then after each consecutive study, he would start referring to past studies and building further and more complex hypotheses about the nature of the supergiant planets and how to re-merge Spherus Magna. That consecutively larger analysis would take up even more time while he travels to the next planet. So it becomes a cascading cycle, and we're already starting to see the consequences.

 

Also: Brutaka! :D


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