It was coming. Now it's here.
The first few lines are literally a wham-style set up - instant tension followed by a literal wham of shadow hitting the main character. Congradulations on scrambling the chronology to allow for a good hook.
The next part of it I already read on your blog, but I read the prelude after that, so there were a few connections that struck me anew, particularly Voltex's mention that he met Xaeraz before. In any case, it sets up an atmosphere of mystery and intrigue, which I tend to prefer.
I liked all of the nods to Voltex's past. While I would dispute the "failed" in failed author (who is writing this, anyway?), it may have been reflective of the beginning of your Mafia career, so not going to complain too loudly. I also like the IRL nod to Taka Nuvia as well.
Looking though this for the second time, it appears that you have brought a lot of details to bring this fictional Metru Nui to life. Excellent work.
Voltex jumped at the hand placed on his shoulder – Blade removed in quickly, startled by his reaction. Rubbing his neck, Voltex grimaced in apology and tried to relax.
Should be it.
We're on an airship now? The transition seems rather abrupt. Given that airships are commonly used to transport cargo, not people, in Metru-Nui, the whole thing seems odd.
Turaga White Two? Are we talking clones now? Weird.
Vox seems very slightly OOC, but I suppose the in a violent and stressful situation he loses his characteristic forum voice. The scythe and the lone-wolfness makes sense though.
Like the nod to the writer's group. Could be the Ambage, but I don't think it matters.
I take it that Pulse is the second POV here.
I take it that Ehks is the third.
I like the creepy role you've given for Sumiki. The cards and the plans of Xaeraz, not to mention the not-unexpected murder, contribute to the mysterious (albeit dark mysterious) atmosphere. The character introductions seem to be going smoothly without cramping the plot as I feared they might. Instead you have used them to further the plot. Excellent.
I look forward to following. Hopefully you can maintain the atmosphere of mystery up until the necessary reveals, and that the intrigue will overshadow the carnage for exciting reading.
I will fix the error - although a quick nitpick, it's the prologue and chapter 1, not chapter 1 and chapter 2. =P
Replying with notes here:
-I enjoy scrambling chronology where possible, though I tend to save it for endings and beginnings (that said don't any of you go expecting it for the ending sheesh)
-The "failed author" and other things will be expanded upon eventually, as they are meant to pertain specifically to the characters with references to the real world.
-The island of BZ-Koro is a fair distance away from Metru-Nui, so the only viable transportation methods are by air and by sea. I chose to have them on an airship since Metru-Nui is supposed to be technologically advanced - I doubt they'd use boats for anything more than fishing or cruises.
-The White Council will also be expanded on later in the story. That'll be a trickle of information, and the reason for their names plays into the story as a whole.
Chapter 1 Notes
-Not all of the characters (read: probably most since I only know a few members very well) will match their members in personality; Pulse matching his character is a total fluke, albeit a positive one.
-You are correct. I don't know how or why the Ambage collapsed, I just know that it did, so I tossed it in there as a connection for Chro and Voltex to build on.
-Also correct; Pulse and Ehks are indeed the second and third of the four points of view.
-Glad to hear that the character introductions are working. Sumiki's role was another happy accident - I was very happy when the RNG landed on him as the Leader.
Bionifight is coming.