Bionicle: The Dimwit of Time-- Super Condensed

[ShadowBionics]

All right... yes, I am back again whether you want me back or not. I got kind of tired trying to restore the actual stories back to their former glory, and there's not much of a point in me re-submitting it. Not to mention that wouldn't even work. So , I thought of a solution. A lot of people hate those old stories anyway, and it would take me too long to re-write them anyway, so as of now, I'm going to stop writing all full-fledged installments of the series. Plus, no one liked the Wind Waker of Skyward Sword installments anyway. So here it my solution. I'm just going to sum everything up into one nice package. I'm going to take up the most important parts (as well as some of my favorite parts of the series) and throw them into one story topic. So at least you can't say I never gave you the story. So appropriately, I'm starting off with where it all began. The Dimwit of Time, originally written in 2010, re-written in 2012. Here you are. Enjoy. Or not.

 

 

 

This is but one of the legends the Matoran talk about. Just one. Not two. Not three. Not seventy-eight. Just one…

 

A long time ago... In a land of darkness, despair, fear of spaghetti, and stupidity, there echoes a legend... A legend held dearly by the inhabitants of the City of Legends that tells of a Toa... A Toa who wished to be a hero and do right to save the world from a dark evil who wished to turn it into a realm of darkness and evil. This is the story of that Toa, and the story of a princess and an evil burn victim.

Bionicle: The Dimwit of Time

 

Great Deku Tree: I’m dying. Navi, go seek out the loser without a fairy.

 

Navi: Okay, you great wooden moron.

 

*Later*

 

Lewa: Ah! What are you, some new kind of flying lightbulb?

 

Navi: No, I’m a fairy. Now come on, we have to save the Great Deku Tree from dying.

 

*Later*

 

Great Deku Tree: You’re too late. The curse was cast upon me by a wicked burn victim in black armor. His name was Antroz.

 

*Flashback…*

 

*Antroz is riding through a burning forest with his horse Nexus.*

 

Antroz, screaming: I’m on fire!! Why won’t anyone help me?! I’m burning alive here!

 

*end flashback*

 

Great Deku Tree: Take this gemstone before it’s too late. *dies*

 

Lewa: Guess we have to go on a trek-quest now.

 

Navi: I can already tell this is going to be a trip…

 

Hahli: Lewa, take this ocarina as a memoir of me.

 

Lewa: Uh… okay, I guess.

 

Kapora Gaebora: ..And that is why I will never like Taylor Swift. Do you wish to hear this story again?

Lewa: NO!

Navi: Heavens no!!

 

Kaepora Gaebora: You have said yes. Very well. Now, back to the princess

Navi: Lewa, we have to get out of here while we still can! I don't think he's ever going to stop talking!

Lewa: Got it. Let's sneak-pass from him.

*He took his equipment and silently left the creepy bird to finish his story*

 

*Meanwhile at the Metru Nui Coliseum…*

 

*Lewa entered the garden, Navi bouncing about his head. In front of them was a young maiden.*

Navi: Okay, Lewa, that could be the princess up ahead. But let's go talk to her, just in case.

Lewa: Gotcha. She might also be the girl of my dreams…

*Whoever she was, Lewa noticed she was staring through a window at an assembled group of people inside, almost like a curious child. Lewa approached her slowly. The young Toa turned around, startled by Lewa's sudden appearance.*

Nokama: Oh! Who are you? And how did you get past all the guards? Is that a fairy?

Lewa: I'm Lewa, and you have terrible security. You might want to fix-change that in the future. You could fall under attack by say, some insane guy wearing a mask-helmet and his minions.

Navi: Yes, I'm a fairy.

Nokama: Say, are you from the forest area?

Lewa: I am, as a matter of fact.

Nokama: Yeah, I thought you might be the one. Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't properly introduced myself yet! I'm Princess Nokama. See that guy in the window, talking with my father? The one with the evil eyes?

*Lewa was having some trouble because there was the black/red armored guy with red eyes and a guard with mean eyes and big eyebrows, so he wasn't sure which one she was talking about.*

Lewa: I don't know, which one are you talking about?

Nokama: Not the guard, the tall guy with red armor.

*Antroz is walking up to Turaga Dume's chair, and proceeds to kneel before him.*

 

Nokama: I know he’s evil, so we must collect the three spiritual stones to stop him!

 

Lewa: Nokama, keep your voice low-quiet.

 

Nokama: Don’t worry, he can’t hear us.

 

Antroz: I heard everything!

 

Nokama: Uh… Go now, Lewa! Lariska will show you the way.

 

Lariska: Go to either the volcano or the giant puddle.

 

Lewa: Sounds good to me.

 

*Much Later…*

 

Whenua: Hello there, skinny Toa of Air. How can I help you?

Lewa: We want the sacred stone of fire!

Whenua: If you want the Spiritual stone, fine, you can have it. We don't use it for anything, anyway.

Lewa: Really? Thanks. Let's have it.

Whenua: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on there. I can't just give you something for nothing.

Lewa: Okay, then what do you want?

Whenua: Okay, well, according to my nerd clipboard, there's only three things around here that have to be done. One thing is to alphabetize my entire DVD library.

*Lewa looks behind him to see a ton of DVDs... and I mean like a who wall's worth of them, too.*

Navi: And the other two?

Whenua: Feed the Lohrak or listen to my hot new DJ music.

Lewa: I'll take the last one.

Whenua: Okay, little one, let's have at it!

Natalie Horler's voice: Hey, Dr. DJ, let the music take me underground.

Whenua: Party, party, party! Party, party, party!

*music stops.*

Whenua: Hey, who turned off my tunes?

Lewa: Do you do anything else aside from party?

Whenua: No.

Lewa: Where’s the Lohrak…?

 

*Lewa went into the archives where he met the giant mutant Lohrak, roaring angrily at him… or hungrily. Lewa panicked, reached into his pack, and threw a round object into its mouth.*

 

Navi: Okay, mission accomplished. Now, you fed it the big cherry and not the bomb, right?

*Lewa looked at her with a blank expression. He reached into his pack again and he pulled out the giant cherry.*

Lewa: Does… this answer your question?

Navi: Oh, dear…

*The Lohrak then started yowling in pain, apparently from having its insides being blown up, and then it dropped to the floor, writhing in agony.*

Whenua: So, did you manage to feed my Lohrak okay?

Navi: Um... yeah, of course we did! Right Lewa?

Lewa: Yeah, you bet! You can count on us!

Whenua: Great, then here's your sacred stone... *Whenua then bestows Din's Ruby to Lewa.*

*Two random Toa then pop out from the earth, each on either side of Whenua.*

Whenua: Boys, let’s show our new brother our initiation.

Random Toa 1: Well, boss, it goes something like this...

*The Two Toa slowly approach Lewa with their arms out. Lewa starts to back away slowly, but then he starts running for his life. Yeah, he's going to be messed up forever now, never going to be able to look at a Toa of Earth the same way ever again.*

Lewa: I'm going to be mentally scarred forever!

 

*Much Much later*

 

King Krulloc: I NEED FOOD!!!

Lewa: Seems like a reasonable guy.

King Krulloc: Save my daughter! NOW! She has our spiritual stone! To get to Lord Jabu-Jabu is a 2 hour journey, however.

Lewa: But isn't the entrance right behind you?

Krulloc: Yes. *And with that, he beings to slowly move over. And I mean slowly move over.*

Lewa: Can you quick-move a little more?

Krulloc, moving slowly: Be patient.

*2 hours and a boring boss fight later…*

 

Kiina: I’m Kiina, You’re cute. I’m-a make you my man.

 

Lewa: Give me the stone, weird-freak.

 

Kiina: Okay, but by taking this, it’s like you’re proposing to me.

 

Lewa: Wait, what?!

 

*Back at the Coliseum…*

 

*The drawbridge was coming down as Lariska and Nokama sped off into the distance…*

 

Nokama: Lewa, change of plans, Antroz knew everything!

 

*She throws the ocarina of time, but it lands into the moat. Lewa turned around, only to meet Antroz and his evil pony.*

 

Antroz: Here, catch!

 

*Antroz throws the glow-in-the-dark-baseball he stole at Lewa, knocking him down and then having Nexus gallop away. Lewa takes the time to go get the Ocarina of Time.*

 

Lewa: All right!

 

*He promptly tosses the ocarina Hahli gave him and goes to the Temple of Time.*

 

Lewa: Hey, look, the sword in the stone! I’m gonna be king!

 

*Lewa takes the sword out from the stone, unleashing a very special effect, but also the essence of an ancient evil…*

 

Antroz: Oh, look, the Triforce.

 

Teridax’s voice: Arise, Makuta Antroz.

 

Antroz: Teridax…

 

*Exactly Seven Days later…*

 

Lewa: Ugh, my head. Where am I?

 

Lhikan: I am Lhikan the Sage! You were asleep for… exactly SEVEN DAYS! You must go and awaken all the other sages!

 

Lewa: If I have to.

 

*Back in the temple….*

 

Nessk: I am Nessk, lone survivor of the Dark Hunters. Antroz enslaved the kingdom while you slept. You must stop him.

 

Lewa: How much damage could he do?

 

*He walks outside and sees the horror.*

 

Lewa: You maniac! You destroyed it all! Darn you! Darn you all to Karzahni! And how dare you destroy the place where I met the girl of my dreams!

 

Navi: Lewa, as much as I hate it, we need to go find those sages, wherever they are.

 

Lewa: Okay… if it’ll make things easier to fight him.

 

*One boring temple later…*

 

Hahli: I am the Forest Sage.

 

Lewa: I had no idea.

 

*Another temple later…*

 

Whenua: Hello, brother…

 

Lewa: Please exit my life and never return.

 

*1/2 way into the water temple later…*

 

Sinister voice: Finally, it took you long enough to get here!

*Lewa stopped, startled.*

Lewa: Who said that?

Navi: I heard it, too…

*Neither could see from where the voice was coming from, so Lewa just kept going on.*

Sinister voice: Oh, I know you didn't just ignore me!

*Lewa made it to the gate on the opposite end, but there was nothing there. The door was locked, too.*

Sinister voice: You just ignored me! The second you walk back over to this tree, I'm going to beat you so bad!

Lewa: Okay, I'll bite…

*Lewa decided to bite and he went back to the tree and he got the surprise of his life... who was the owner of the sinister voice?*

Dark Lewa: Well, exc-uuuuuuuuse me, princess!

Lewa: O_O Who are you?

Dark Lewa: Don't be stupid! I'm you!

Lewa: If you are me, then who are you?

Dark Lewa: You're so stupid! I'm you!

Lewa: I'm me.

Dark Lewa: You are you also!

[awkward pause]

Lewa: Who are you?

Dark Lewa: Argh! You're so stupid!

Lewa: Who are you?

Dark Lewa: I'm you and you are you. I am born from your hatred and I have one purpose in life… to DESTROY YOU!

Lewa: Then you must have a dull-boring existence then.

Dark Lewa: I'm so hungry, I could eat your face! *He takes out his sword and starts attacking Lewa, who counters his every move while trying to get in a few hits of his own.*

Navi: Take him down!

Dark Lewa: When I'm done here, you're next, you little lightning bug! Get over here so I can use you for my lantern!

Navi: Oh, yeah? Lewa, kill this guy and don't hold back!

Lewa: You got it.

*Lewa nodded and he took out the hammer.*

Dark Lewa: Hey, there's no way I'm going to let you cheat out of this one!

*Lewa hit him so hard, he fell over the window... but he was still hanging on by his feet.*

Dark Lewa: Well, exc-uuuuuuuse me, princess!

*Lewa ran over and tried to latch his feet off the window sill.*

Dark Lewa: Hey, I'm ticklish!

Lewa: This guy is so bizarre!

Navi: Hurry, before he gets back up! Hit him again!

*Lewa tries to hit him again, but Dark Lewa manages to get back up again.*

Lewa: You have lost. You are cruel-mean and annoying. You were born out of my hatred.

Dark Lewa: Whoaw!

Lewa: You do not exist.

Dark Lewa: Fool! I am real! *Holds out his sword* Real STEEL!

*Dark Lewa runs at Lewa, full speed and with his sword out. However, with quick reflexes, Lewa uses the hammer to hit Dark Lewa out the window once more, sailing into the waterfall.*

Dark Lewa, shouting: EXCUUUUUUUSE ME, PRINCESS!!!!

Lewa: At least he died as he lived… being a tough guy and saying "Excuse me, princess."

*The room then shifted and the gate opened. And oddly enough, the window Dark Lewa fell out of went away as well.*

Dark Lewa: NOOOOO! I was so close!

Navi: Wait, how is he still alive?!

Dark Lewa: I am?! Where am I now?

Lewa: Does anything stop him?!

Navi: I don't know and I don't care!

Lewa: My guess is he's stuck-trapped in the room somehow… he fell out the window and now the window is gone, thereby trapping him inside of the room for the rest of forever.

Dark Lewa: It sure is BORING around here. This is all your fault!

 

*One rest of the water temple later…*

 

Kiina: You ditched me at the altar! But I will always love you

 

Lewa: You, also exit my life.

 

*One temple later…*

 

Lewa, blank: Hey, I was totally not expecting you to be the sage.

Lariska: Your eyes tell me you are worried about Nokama.

Lewa: Actually, I haven't thought about her. Where is she?

Lariska: Despite what happened, I can tell you she is safe.

Lewa: But you're not going to tell me where she is?

Lariska: Nope.

Lewa: Figures.

*Final Fantasy victory fanfare.*

 

*Lewa gained 500 exp. points!
obtained the bunny slippers
obtained worthless plot device*

 

*One convoluted temple later…*

 

Roodaka: My, oh, my, I didn't think such a skinny guy like you could actually pull this off. If I had seen what kind of a guy you were, perhaps I would have kept my promise... oh well. Here, take the oversized novelty coin and go on your way. Crush that Antroz and give him one for me!

Lewa: Well, looks like now we've got everybody. Now what.?

Lhikan: Lewa, can you hear me?

Lewa: Of course, I'm right in front of you.

Lhikan: The time has arrived for you to face Antroz. First, though, go back to the Temple of Time.

 

*Back at the temple of time…*

 

Nessk: Lewa. The time has come for you to learn about the Triforce. You got the Triforce of Courage. Antroz, upon touching the full relic, got the Triforce of Power. As for the Triforce of Wisdom… Ninja strike!

 

*Nessk reveals the Triforce of Wisdom and in a flash of light, reveals herself to be Nokama.*

 

Nokama: I am Nokama.

 

Lewa: It’s you! Hi, Nokama!

 

Antroz: Ha ha ha! Foolish Nokama, I was waiting for you to reveal yourself! Now you are mine!

 

Lewa :Bye Nokama! Oh… great, now I have to go save her!

 

*Lewa goes to Antroz’s castle of doomage, where the sages create a magic bridge.*

 

Lewa: Sweet!

 

*Lewa enters the castle, makes his way to the center tower and begins climbing the stairs.*

 

Lewa: It can’t be that long, right?

 

*19 flights of stairs later…*

 

Lewa, out of breath: So… tired…

 

Navi: Wait… can’t you fly?

 

Lewa: … ARGH!!!

 

*Lewa continues flying all his way to the 64th floor…*

 

*Meanwhile with Antroz and Nokama, Antroz is tormenting Nokama… with music, as played by him on the organ.*

 

Antroz, singing to music: You better wake up, wake up, the party's gonna take off, we're living for a Saturday night--

Nokama: Um, can you sing something else?

Antroz: No! You didn't give me a specific song request, so I'm going to sing and play whatever I want!

Nokama: Oh… Lewa, wherever you are, I hope you hurry!

 

*Lewa breaks down the door, interrupting Antroz's music. The moment the three of them are in the same room, all three Triforce pieces on the backs of their hands start glowing.*

Antroz: The Triforce pieces are resonating. They are about to be one again. I will be able to have what I once briefly had seven days ago. These toys are too much for you, I demand you return them to me at once!

*Antroz fires waves of darkness at Lewa.*

 

Lewa: Oh, no, I’m gonna die!!

 

*One epic fight and one tower collapse later…*

 

Antroz, breathing heavily: I’m dying… *falls over.*

 

Lewa: We won!

 

*Antroz then emerges from the rubble.*

 

Antroz: Psyche!

 

*He holds up his hand, the Triforce of Power glowing. Taking from his red armor and dragon-like Kanohi Jutlin, Antroz became more dragon-like in appearance. Standing on two legs and wielding two large swords, Antroz swipes at Lewa, who tries to defend himself with the Master Sword.*

 

*Lewa takes advantage of Antroz’s confusion and delivers the finishing blow without much effort.*

 

Lewa: That was easy.

 

Nokama: now let’s seal him away!

 

Lewa: Shouldn’t we… slay-finish him?

 

Nokama: No.

 

*Calling upon the powers of the sages, Antroz is imprisoned into a realm that is his worst nightmare…*

 

Antroz: You... Curse you, Sages... Curse you, LEEEEEEEEWAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Someday when this seal is broken... That is when I will exterminate your decedents...! As long as the Triforce of Power is in my hand... Wait, where am I anyway?

Tuyet: With me, sugar.

Antroz: O_O NOOOOOO!!!!

*With Antroz defeated (for now), everything could now be set right. Nokama and Lewa looked out into the distance at Metru Nui.*

Nokama: Thank you, Lewa. With Antroz defeated, peace will reign in Metru Nui… for now.

Lewa: What are you implying?

Nokama: Well, if you're accusing me of saying that Antroz is going to break out of the Evil Realm and force the goddesses to flood all of our world, that's totally not what I'm saying.

Lewa: Okay, as long as you're not lying to me.

Nokama: Shut up, I'm having a moment here! And I dragged you into it as well… but as a sage, I can return you back to your own time. First, though, you must lay the Master Sword to rest, thereby closing the gate of time.

Lewa: You mean I'll never be able to time travel again?

Nokama: No.

Lewa: And why can't I stay here?

Nokama: Because you must go back and regain your lost time.

Lewa: It was just a week! You act as though it's been years! What about all we’ve been through? I thought we have something special!

 

*Nokama moves closer to embrace him. And then she whispers something in his ear.*

 

Nokama: Oh, Lewa… if only you had someone who loved you…

*Nokama kicks Lewa and snatches the Ocarina of Time.*

Lewa: Why are you in freak mode?

Nokama: Thank you, and good bye.

*Nokama plays her lullaby song on the Ocarina, and Lewa is whisked away from this land of Metru Nui, taken back to a Metru Nui from a week ago where Antroz never got the Triforce and he never conquered anything.*

Lewa: So now what do I do?

Navi: I don't know. But now that you're finished with your journey, I have to leave you now.

Lewa: What? Navi! Not you, too! Why does everything I love-cherish have to leave me?!

*As Lewa tried to stop her, Navi flew away and right through the lone closed window in the Temple of Time. Without really anything left, Lewa wasn't sure what else to do now, especially since Navi was the one who knew what to do in times like this. So what he did instead was get past the Vahki guards as he had done so before and it was there at the Coliseum he met once again with Princess Nokama.*

[ShadowBionics]

In the land of Metru Nui, the people speak about a legend... A legend about a crazy Toa of Air with a sword and fairy who saved Metru Nui. They traveled a great distance from the city to the desert and back. After defeating a great evil, they were separated as the fairy could no longer take the lunacy of the Toa. This left him confused and wanting to find her.

Now in search of his lost friend, the legend continues...

Bionicle: The Moron's Mask

*6 months later…*

 

Lewa: I’m bored with all of you. I’m going to find Navi.

Tahu: What if it snowed in San Francisco?

*After Lewa kidnaps Epona from the ranch, he goes into the Ever-free forest Lost Woods to look for Navi, even though it was nowhere near where she left. Him and Epona then get caught off guard by some freak in a mask who sounds like he enjoys watching others suffer.*

Remote 2.0, Dr. Claw voice: Heh heh heh heh... I'm so evil, evil is so fun. And what is this?

*Accompanied by two fairies, the evil puppet went to inspect the body of the unconscious Toa.*

Remote 2.0: Oh, look, a dead body. *He kicked Lewa over on his side and inspected him.* Now time to rob him and leave him in a stupid pose. Heh heh heh... Oh, look, and ocarina.

*The puppet took the ocarina and plays a few notes.*

Lewa, getting up: Oh, man, I hurt my head... *The Toa looked over and saw the strange freak playing his ocarina.* Hey you. Who are you?

Remote 2.0, hiding ocarina: That is none of your concern. Now go back to being dead like a good little boy.

Lewa: No!

Remote 2.0: That wasn't a request, that was an order.

Lewa: But that's my ocarina! Give it back.

Remote 2.0: How about I make you a trade... I keep your ocarina and you... fall down this hole!!

Lewa: That's not a fair-trade!


*The robot kicks Lewa down into a rabbit hole and his mind is seduced with subliminal messages, mostly concerning buying Oxyclean and Orange-Glo. Finally, he landed on top of a large flower.*

Lewa: Good thing this flower was here, that long-fall could have been serious.

Lewa: Give me my ocarina!

 

Remote 2.0: No. Instead, how about I TRANSFORM YOU?!

*At that moment, a violent sensation overcame Lewa's body, and he fell to the ground. Then in his mind, he found himself surrounded by many Deku Scrubs, all laughing at him.*

*In Lewa's mind*

Deku Scrubs, chanitng: One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us!

Lewa: Get away from me! *The Toa ran for his life, forgetting that he could fly, from the Deku Scrubs, who just multiplied and overcame him in a giant mosh.*

Dkue Scrubs, chanting louder: One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us!

*Lewa snapped out of his vision and when he looked in the reflection and saw who he was.*

Lewa: Mata Nui's pointy shoulders...! You turned me into a plant thing!

Remote 2.0, demonic laughter: Now you'll never be as cool as me with that silly appearance!

 

*As the weirdo-turned-dark lord floated away with Tael, Tatl stayed along to start beating up on poor Lewa.*

Tael: Darn it, hurry up over there!

*Before Tatl could stop beating him up, the door closed between the two fairy siblings. Tatl flew to the door, trying to open it, but her body was too small and frail to do so. She then went back to Lewa.*

Tatl: Hey, you!

Lewa: All right! I finally found you, Navi!

Tatl: Uh... what's a Navi? Some sort of yogurt?

Lewa: That's your name... You. Don't you remember?

Tatl: Listen you wooden freak, I'm not this Navi! I'm Tatl, and I need you to help me catch up with Remote and my brother Tael. Now, come on, Lewa, I see a door up ahead!

Lewa: Great! Now I can kill-handle that Remote guy for turning me into a grass Pokemon wannabe!

*As Lewa opens the door and steps inside, they go into what looks like a creepy clockwork tower.*

Happy Mask Salesman: I be the Happy Mask Salesman.

 

Natalie: I’m not relevant until Skyward Stooge!

 

Lewa: And I’m totally freaked out by all of you.

Happy Mask Salesman: I was wondering if you could do me a favor. You see, I have to leave here in 3 days and one of my cursed masks got stolen by a weird Robot with targets painted on his cheeks and a messy blond wig.

Lewa: Robot with messy blond wig? I've seen that guy!

Happy Mask Salesman: Yes, him. I thought maybe you could get it back for me, you know?

Lewa: Sure, I guess.

Happy Mask Salesman: That's great. Now then, I must teach you the Song of Healing...

*That's when the freak starts to get his groove on to the music of KC and the Sunshine Band. He puts his hands on his face and starts flailing his head.*

Music: Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake.

Happy Mask Salesman: Shake your body. Shake your body!

*He then makes a frowning face and starts bending back and forth a bunch of times.*

Music: Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake.

*Lewa and Tatl, scared out of their minds, take advantage of the moment and head for the doors.*

Lewa: I hope we don’t have to see him much more often.

 

Tatl: Never mind, let’s just find Remote and my brother.

 

*So after going through the sewer, fighting off the spiders, and popping an Elitha balloon (oops, spoilers), and then he climbed up a ladder where he found a place that looks like it came from the 1970's.*

Lewa: This place is trippy...

Scarecrow: Hey, there, baby!

Lewa: Aah, talking scarecrow!

Scarecrow: Let's dance!

Lewa: Aah! It's Lady Gaga! That much worse!

 

*Lewa ran up the winding staircase and he found some crazy old man looking through a telescope.*

Lewa: Hey, creepy-guy, where's Remote hiding?

The Professor, wheezy voice: My boy, whenever I came to doubt or wanted to know something, I always just look through the telescope for answers. It knows everything.

Lewa: Okay. Can I look?

The Professor: Well, of course you can.

*So Lewa looked into the telescope and he saw a variety of things... some of which I can't say out loud, others that were just plain weird. But the weirdest thing of all was when he spotted Remote atop the clock tower. He looked up at the moon, which shot a tear from its eye. Maybe it's a sad little moon that needs some tender love and care. Lewa looked back at Remote, who turned around and started shaking his behind at him.*

Music: Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake.

Happy Mask Salesman: Shake your buttocks. Shake your buttocks.

Lewa: Aah! Happy Mask Salesman! That's almost as horrible-bad as Lady Gaga!

The Professor: Well, my boy, this would be the island of Alma Nui... You are in the island's main city of Clock Town.

Lewa: Clook Town?

The Professor: No, it's "Clock Town."

Lewa: You say whatever, I call it Clook town.

 

Tatl: What does it matter? At least we know where they are now.

 

The Professor: Ah, but the Clock Tower does not open until midnight tonight three days from now.

 

Lewa: So what do I do until then?

 

The Professor: Not my problem.

 

*about 3 days later…*

 

Remote 2.0: I hope some foolish mortals come around to challenge my unbeatable power soon. I've also spent the last two days working on my insults and snappy comebacks.

Lewa: Hey, puppet boy, prepare to face the Hero of Time!

Tael: Why don't you hit him with a snappy comeback?

Remote 2.0, strikes Tael: I know that, you fool! You take me as an ametuer?

Tatl: Hey! Don't hit my brother! Do you really think you're our friend after that?

Remote 2.0: Well, whatever. In that case…

Tatl: Phew... It's so hot out here... I think I might feel better if I get into something more comfortable and--

Lewa: You might have defeated me before, that won't happen a second time!

Remote 2.0: And why is that, pray tell?

Lewa: Because I've got Navi by my side.

Tatl: It's Tatl!

Lewa: Oh, bless you.

Remote 2.0, snickers: That's it? Your big rescue is a fairy? Hah hah hah hah hah! Oh, that is rich!

Lewa: What are you so laugh-hardy about? It's more than you have.

Remote 2.0: Really? Look up.

*We get a look at the scary nightmare moon… no, not that nightmare moon.*

Lewa: Okay, so big whoop. The moon has a scowl-face on it now. What're you going to do after that, drop it on us?

Remote 2.0: Yes

Lewa: Oh...

Remote 2.0: Enough of this foolishness, prepare to be mooned.

Lewa: Mooned... *laughs.*

*Remote throws back his head, lifts his arms, and emits a powerful high-pitched scream. The moment he does, the moon starts to draw closer and closer to the town, almost about to touch the clock tower you could say. Lewa takes a moment to use his Deku Scrub powers to shoot a bubble at Remote, who drops the Ocarina.*

*Lewa runs over and grabs the ocarina from Remote.*

Lewa: I got it!

Remote 2.0: That's the last straw. Now accept your doom!

Tael: Swamp. Mountain. Ocean. Bigger Mountain. Find the four who are there, bring them here.

*While all the chaos was going on, Lewa was having a flashback...*

Nokama: Take the Ocarina of Time with you to remember me by.

Lewa: You don't need it?

Nokama: No, not with Antroz being locked up. There's no point. If you ever are in trouble use it to play the Song of time. The Goddess of Time will help you. You'll be forced to relive the same three days like in the movie Groundhog Day, but it's better than nothing...

*End of Flashback*

Lewa: Well, this qualifies as trouble... *He tries to use the Ocarina of Time, but then upon usage, it turns into the Deku pipes. He uses it to play the Song of Time, and just like that, he is warped back to the beginning of everything, to the very start of the three days.*

Tatl: Wha-what?! What happened?! Where are we? Why's everything back to normal?

Lewa: Beats me.

Tatl: That instrument!

Lewa: What about it?

Tatl: What did you do?

Happy Mask Salesman: A better question would be "What didn't he do?" Now, about my mask?

Lewa: About that...

Happy Mask Salesman, berattling him: Oh, great, you've got it!

Lewa: Would you let me go, you freak?

Happy Mask Salesman: Okay, now we have to turn you back to your normal self. Now, off with that mask, boy. *berattling him.* Off with it now! Be gone now!

Lewa: You're shaking me from my shoulders! And I'm not wearing a mask!

Happy Mask Salesman, stops: Oh. Right. Okay then. In that case, I must teach you the Song of Healing.

*The Mask Salesman then begins to play a soft melody on his giant organ.*

Tatl: Well, I guess that's a nice song.

Happy Mask Salesman, singing to song: Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake. Shake your buttocks.

Tatl: Okay, never mind then.

*At that moment, Lewa felt his body beginning to writhe and he was turned back into a Toa. Meanwhile the Deku Scrub face fell to the floor as a mask.*

Lewa: What? I'm back to my Toa-Hero self again?! Yes!

Happy Mask Salesman: Good, then. I've kept my end of the deal, now give me what you've promised to me.

Lewa: Yeah, about that... you see...

Happy Mask Salesman: Don't tell me... my mask... you didn't...

Tatl: I'm scared.

Lewa: You aren't mad, are you?

Happy Mask Salesman: No, I'm not mad...

Lewa: Okay, good...

Happy Mask Salesman: Because I'm going to kill you!

*The Happy Mask Salesman lets out a monster-like roar, grabs Lewa by the neck, and begins to strangle him.*

Happy Mask Salesman: Do you know what you've done to me?! I don't think you do!

Lewa, choked: I'm sorry...

Happy Mask Salesman: The mask that got stolen from me was Elitha's Mask! They say its original master and maker used it to perform hexes and rituals, at least until the owner was betrayed and had their spirit sealed within the mask. That was a big mistake, it was, because this was also the Mask of Death. The mask had to be sealed away in darkness and it had since vanished into legend.

Lewa, falls to the floor: So what now?

Happy Mask Salesman: Please, I beg of you, you must get it back!

Lewa: Okay, just keep your hands off me and maybe I'll help you.

Happy Mask Salesman: Keep that song I taught you in mind, it should be of some help to you.

 

Lewa: Where do I even begin?

 

Tatl: Tael was going on about some weird stuff, which could actually be related to the four compass directions of Clock Town.

 

Lewa: So I just head out of Clook Town?

 

Tatl: Yes, and please stop saying that.

*Lewa and Tatl ventured past the southern gate in Clock Town to go to the swamp, and eventually made it to the Woodfall Temple.*

*One pathetic boss fight later...*

 

Lewa: Where are we? Why does it look like a bubble bath here?

Giant #1: Hey, what's going on out there? Can't a guardian giant take a giant bubble bath in peace?!

Lewa: Guardian giant?

Tatl: That's right. There are four giants who watch over all of Alma Nui.

Lewa: Then can I be blunt? You're doing a crud-job.

Giant #1: What?!

Lewa: Well, yeah. Alma Nui's full of monsters, dogs are living with cats, horses are wearing people's clothes...

Tatl: Babies driving vehicles.

Lewa: The Happy Mask Salesman hasn't been institutionalized, monkeys are getting dunked, no one's cancelled the Hero Factory sets yet, Michael Cena is still acting...

Giant #1: Oh, this is just great! I leave the office for just one day and already everything is going down in flames! This is the only day off I get in 1,000 years, and now I have to spend it fixing everything?!

Tatl: So you'll help us?

Giant #1: Okay, I'll help you... wait a minute. Why should I have to go back to work before everyone else? I'm not moving unless you can get the other three to do the same.

Lewa: The other three?

Giant #1: Yes, my fellow co-workers. Don't worry, to get to them all you have to do is climb up a mountain, swim through a deep ocean, and then climb up a bigger mountain. From there, just go to the temples and free them.

Lewa: Other... three temples?

Tatl: Okay then.

Giant #1: If you can do that, then I will help you

Lewa: Other... three temples?

Giant #1: After that, then you may call us when you need us.

Lewa: Other... three temples?

Tatl: Would you be quiet?!

Giant #1: Here's my card. *The giant tosses over a small business card, and on it was the Oath to Order printed on it.*

Lewa: Okay, sure-fine.

Giant #1: Now if you'll excuse me... *As the giant goes back to return to his bath, Lewa and Tatl are teleported back somewhere within the Woodfall temple.*

*After everything was settled, Lewa and Tatl shoved off to make for the mountain in the north… which was covered in snow and cold and snow and cold.*

 

*Lewa collapses into the snow, unmoving.*

Tatl: What are you doing?

Lewa: I'm freeze-dying here! No one told me it'd be this cold up here!

Tatl: Oh, no, you're not! And besides, the place was covered in snow! What did you think it'd be like up here?

*As Lewa took another step forawrd, his adaptive armor that was so underused in the original storyline took effect and changed so he was better suited for the cold environment.*

Lewa: Wow, talk about a convenient plot device! Seriously, who lives here, though?!

Tatl: It's mostly Onu-Matoran and Toa.

Lewa: O_O No... NO!

Tatl: What's wrong now?

Lewa: Don't you remember?

*Flashback.*

Whenua: Party party party! Party party party!

*End flashback.*

Tatl: I'm not Navi! So I wouldn't know anything about your fear of Onu-Matoran or anything of the sort!

Lewa: Well... it's a different clan of Onu-Matoran... maybe it won't be so bad... as long as I don't see their party head-honcho of theirs again.

Whenua's ghost: Hi.


Lewa: Now you're making a come back?! Okay, kill me if you must, but don't start partying!

Whenua's ghost: Why would I do that? I hate to party!

Lewa: Why?

Whenua's ghost: It was a party that claimed my life. Shut up! No one understands me! I'm going to run away, back to my grave!

*The duo followed Whenua in an attempt to straighten things out.*

Whenua's ghost: What do you want?

Lewa: I'm here to heal your soul and find inner peace.

Whenua's ghost: Just leave, no one like you could ever heal my tortured soul.

Lewa: That's where you're wrong! Ready?

*Lewa takes out the ocarina and begins to play the Song of Healing.*

Tatl: Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake. Shake your... buttocks.

*Whenua then begins to feel weird and he begins to sway back and forth.*

Whenua's ghost: I feel strange... what's going on...?

*Inside Whenua's mind, he was alive once again, standing before his people and fellow archivists. They were all smiling at him, cheering him on and looking at him with admiration.*

Bomonga: Dance dance dance dance dance dance...!

*Whenua did not know what to say... but he was feeling much better than he did before... he no longer felt emo and angry at the world. He was actually... happy.*

Whenua: I... I do like to party. Thank you, little hero... I can pass over to the other side...

*However, this monet is cut short when he throws up his arms in pain and he turns into sparklies.*

Whenua: Noooo! I don't want to be sparklies!

*With his spirit healed, Whenua was finaly able to pass over. Then in a bright flash, his spirit vanished and al lthat remained was his Kanohi Mask.*

Lewa: It worked! I'm a such a great person...

Whenua's ghost, faintly: I'm stuck inside this mask! Help me!

*And thus Lewa got Whenua's Mask... but what did it do exactly?*

Lewa: I wonder if...?

*He puts on the mask, and like the transformation mask before it, it began to take him over until Lewa closed his eyes and let out a painful scream. Then in a matter of moments, the Toa of air with his adaptive armor was replaced with--*

Lewa: My body is so... rock-hard and strong... My armor's all tough and black... and I've got this beard! I must be like... Chuck Norris or something!

Tatl: I think you're exaggerating.

 

*One trip to Snowhead and a pathetic boss fight later…*

Giant #2: Hi, there.

 

Lewa: Oh, and here's the same giant as before!

 

Giant #2, hurt: But... I've never met you before. Are you saying all giants look the same to you?

 

Lewa: What?! No, no, I didn't mean that! It's just that—

 

Giant #2: You hate me! You're mean, I hate you.Lewa: No, please, we need your help to save Alma Nui!

 

Giant #2: Then go save the other two giants.

 

Lewa: Oh, come on!

 

Giant #2: I don't want to work with a hater, is that a problem?

 

Lewa: I'm not a hater!

 

Giant #2: Hater. Go get the others, then we'll see.

 

*Just back in the mountains, the snows start to melt away and the Onu-Maotran are able to come out again, free from the cold and that spoiled brat. In a matter of moments, it was as though it became spring and all the grass and plants were spurring back to life. Even the birds were chirping happily and the frogs were swimming in the water that was no longer frozen.*

*Next they were off to the Great Bay. It wasn’t all that great.*

 

Lewa: Oh, all right. Hey, there's a guy drowning out there. I'm going to stare-watch him.

Tingle: Oh, look, it's a guy watching a guy drown. I'm going to watch him. And I think I’ll charge his descendants a fortune to get the Triforce charts dechipered while I’m at it.

*Note that if you're watching some guy watching another guy drown, then by deductive reasoning, you watched him drown, too.*

Tatl: Would you actually get out there and save him?!

*Lewa manages to get him across the water and onto the shore. This man, clad in blue armor, gets up and slowly walks to the sandy beach… and about 1 hour later, he finally makes it. He might have gotten there sooner if the seagulls weren't trying to peck his face. He then collapses onto the sand.*

Tarix: I am Tarix of Tajun… lead guitarist in the Tajun band. I think this is it for me…

 

Lewa: Now we have to heal him.

*Lewa starts to play the song of healing.*

 

*Just like Whenua before him, Tarix began to feel something and he began to have delusions of weirdnesses and I know I just made that word up but there was no existing word to describe this.*

*In reality with the rest of us, Tarix closes his eyes, and then he turns into blue sparklies, only his face left, turning into a mask. And thus Lewa got Tarix's… mask… if you can call it that.*

Lewa: I don't know how he could have water-drowned with this mask, it's got a long tube-thing running into a life counter.

Tatl: I wonder if you put that on, if you'll transform.

Lewa: I have a feeling I have to put this on anyway… *So like with Whenua's mask, he puts on Tarix's mask/helmet/diver thing, which begins to suffocate him in addition to re-writing his DNA. Lewa lets out a painful scream and then…*

Lewa: Holy Mata Nui, I became an anorexic blue guy with a tubey thing in my back!

*After getting to the Great Bay Temple, Lewa goes through and meets the next giant.*

 

Giant #3: Oh, who are you?

Lewa: We've come to get you to rally-support our cause!

Giant #3: Awareness of people who have only one glove and wish to seek the other?

Tatl: No. We need you and the other giants to help us defeat Remote before he drops the moon on everyone.

Giant #3: Uh… I don't think I want to.

Lewa: Are you a giant or a mouse? We need you and the others or else everyone will die!

Giant #3: Uh… If you say so…

Lewa: Great! There's nothing to worry about, it's only a toy wearing a demon-mask and a moon with a scowl-face on it, nothing big.

Giant #3: Uh… as long as there's nothing to worry about… I'm good.

*With another one of the Giants willing to help their cause, Lewa and Tatl leave the bubble bath land and move on to one of the most confusing, life-threatening areas he would ever encounter: Ikana Canyon. But for the sake of our sanity, let’s skip all that and go to the end.*

Giant #4: Fine, you got us, yah? If you want our help so bad, we'll give it to you. If there's anything that you need, you got it. Just call on us.

Tatl: Okay, we'll call you from the clock tower in Clock Town.

Lewa: Clook Town.

Tatl: What is it with you and calling people and things the wrong name? You call me Navi, Natasha Natalie, Clock Town Clook Town... what's the matter with you?

Giant #4: Stop with your stupid arguing, yah? It's starting to get annoying. Now go away, I can't cancel dinner with myself again. Yah?

*After being sent out, there was only one thing left to do: Face Remote and defeat him.*

 

*The moon was full (and looking SO SAD) when the clock struck midnight.*

Remote 2.0: I wonder if some foolish mortals will come by to try and stop me.

Lewa: Wonder no more, weird-freak!

Remote 2.0: You again…

Tatl: Tael!

Tael: About time you got here, woman.

Tatl: Get out of the way before he hits you!

Remote 2.0: Ah, yes, Tael, my righthand man… don't talk out of line! *He strikes Tael for no reason.*

Tatl: Stop hitting my brother! You think you're our friend after that?

Remote 2.0: Well, whatever.

Lewa: You're not going to drop the moon on Clook Town, I won't let you!

Remote 2.0: Who told you about my super-secret plan?! No matter… at least you're going to get to see the plan in action. All right, Luna… Prepare to get mooned!

Lewa, stupid laugh: Mooned… it's funnier the second time.

*Remote taps into the Kanohi Elitha, throws his arms back, and emits a high-pitched scream. No sooner, the moon starts to draw closer to the town.*

Remote 2.0: Who ya gonna call?

Lewa: O_O What did you say…?

Remote 2.0: Strange… as if I was willed to say that… *As Remote starts acting confused as to why he was acting strange, Lewa took the moment to play the Oath to Order.*

Lewa: Okay, let's see if these guys actually help.

Remote 2.0: What's going on here?! No!!!

*As the cataclysm continues, the four giants come from each of the four compass directions, ready to stop the moon.*

Giant #1: My name is Ringo, and I play the drums.

Giant #2: My name's Paul and I play bass.

Giant #3: My name is George and I play a guitar.

Giant #4: Yah, my name's John and I also play a guitar. And sometimes I play the fool.

*Each of the fab four take 100 steps to the center of the town, put their arms out, and with all their might they manage to stop the moon from coming any closer… then in a matter of moments, it is as though time actually stops.*

Lewa: I guess that’s it.

 

Tael: Remote’s dead?!

 

Tatl: Shut up, we wanted to save you.

Female voice: Shut up, both of you!

Lewa: What??

Tatl: Who said that?

*Remote's limp body rises into the air, but it wasn't his voice that came from the mouth… Rather, it was the mask that the puppet wore on its face… it was now in full control and in charge.*

Elitha: You two are the bane of my existence, just what do you want from me? Tell you what. Come and get me if you can… are you man enough to see? Now then… time to move along with the rest of the plan…

*Elitha giggles in a demented sort of manner as she abandons the body of Remote and flies to the moon, which opens its mouth to let her in. From there, she possessed the moon as her new puppet. The eyes of the moon began to glow a haunting bright crimson.*

Elitha/Moon: I shall consume… everything.

*The moon roars back to life and begins to push back the giants.*

Lewa: Guess we aim-shoot for the moon!

*Lewa goes underneath the opening in the moon's mouth where Elitha flew to and he is taken to the surface of the moon.*

Tatl: I guess I have no other choice.

*Tatl goes with him and she is taken to the moon's surface as well, which is not how I imagined it… if anything, it looked more like a forest area, so peaceful and serine.*

Lewa: I think I know where air fresheners come from now…

Tatl: This is nothing like how the surface of the moon should be!

Lewa: You're right… it's much better!

Tatl: Never mind, let's go find this talking mask and beat it to death.

*Lewa runs up to the lone leprechaun tree growing out in the pasture. There is a kid wearing Elitha's mask sitting underneath it.*

Lewa: Hey, kid, have you seen a freaky night-nurse mask around here with a sexy voice?

Elitha kid: No… do you like to play games?

Lewa: It depends.

Elitha kid: Why don't we play a game?

Lewa: Okay, I'm game.

Elitha kid: Let's play good guys versus bad guys. You be the bad guy and I'll be the good guy.

Lewa: But I don't wanna be the bad guy!

Elitha kid: I'll give you this cool mask if you agree.

*And thus Lewa got the Fierce Deity's Mask.*

Lewa: It does look cool. Okay, I'll be the bad guy.

Elitha kid: Good…

*That's when they are taken to a strange room, almost like something you'd see in one of those sort of crack-pot dream, and I don't use that term lightly.*

Lewa: I'm scared...

Tatl: Don't let the room get you, just get out there and fight that mask!

Lewa: But where is she?

*The chamber echoes with Elitha's laughter. They both look to the opposite end of the wall where the Kanohi Elitha hung.*

Elitha: Oh, I didn't think you two would come. *The mask lifts off from the wall menacingly, hovering over Lewa and Tatl.*

Lewa: of course we did.

Elitha, laughs: Face it, I'm too much for you to handle.

Lewa: I'm going to have a pleasure-fest killing you!

Elitha: First, why don't we bring in some guests?

*From Lewa, Elitha summons the four boss remains and plants them on the wall. From there, they come off the wall, alive in almost the same manner as the Elitha. They were reincarnated, although not exactly the same way they once were...*

Elitha: Once they were gone, now they are back after more than a decade... coming to you from the depths of Karzahni...

Tatl: No...

Elitha: Jerry, George, Kramer, Elaine...

 

*The remains of the four bosses appear on the walls*

Tatl: No way... you mean...?

Elitha: Yes! Seinfeld Team attack!

Tatl: This doesn't look good...

Lewa: Time to heat things up... *He fires his blaster at Goht/George, setting him on fire. Goht screams in pain as he dies... again, but this time not by crashing into something.*

Elitha: I have more where that came from!

*Lewa repeated the same strategy and met with successful results.*

Lewa: Looks like this show's been canceled.

Elitha: Well... your body's all gray! *She fires her lazors at him, but Lewa dodges them and reflects them back at her with the mirror shield.*

Lewa: Anything else?

Elitha: you bring me no choice... at least you get to die in the presence of my actual form...

*The mask drops down to the floor and the eyes glow bright crimson. The in a matter of moments, the mask grabs loose particles and begins to form a body for itself, clad in red/black armor.*

Lewa: O_O It's a nightmare come true!

*Elitha was laughing evilly as she sprouted wings for herself and summoned her scissor scythe and flame shield.*

Elitha: It's getting critical now, isn't it?

Lewa: No! No, you can't be real!

Elitha: I'm as real as everything and anything, "hero of time."

*Elitha moves around the room very crazily, launching attacks at Lewa and using her arm whips to send painful jolts of energy at him.*

*On the ropes, Lewa uses a combo of fighting/dancing to throw Elitha around, knocking away her shield and scythe and throwing her against the wall.*

Elitha: You leave me with no choice then... This isn’t even my final form!

 

*Elitha breaks off from the wall and begins to grab more particles around her, becoming much larger and stronger. She trades in her weapons for some spiked whips and she screeches out in a much higher voice.*

Lewa: Another transformation? What are you, Frieza?

Tatl: This looks tough. You might want to use that Fierce Deity's Mask now.

Lewa: Okay, good thought-plan. *Lewa puts on the Fierce Deity's mask, rewriting his DNA once more.*

Elitha: What?!

Lewa: I have the power!!!

Elitha: Grr... I didn't think he'd actually use it. No matter, this will be our ultimate battle!

*So Lewa and Eltiha get into an epic battle. Elitha charged her whips and threw Lewa back a few times, but he countered by firing beams from his double helix sword, stunning her for some moments. Elitha was still agile and leapt several feet in the air and lashed out at him, giving him some heavy damage. As the battle goes on, Lewa starts to dodge her attacks and is able to get more of his attacks in. Then he stuns her for the last time before he delivers the last blow, silencing Elitha forever...*

*Back on the outside, the moon, left without Elitha's power, starts to crumble away as well and turn into a huge rainbow. Yeah, I don't get it either. If only my geology teacher could see the logic behind this one, huh? The people in town begin to rejoice now that they are saved.*

Lewa, normal: That was extreme...

Tatl: Tael, what are you doing here?

Tael: What? You should know you don't control me. I play by my own rules and listen to no one else but me.

Happy Mask Salesman: Well, now, looks like you got the mask back for me now, didn't you? It looks like the dark power faded away.

Lewa: What?! Hey, where's my Fierce Deity's mask?

Happy Mask Salesman: The fierceness of the battle must have destroyed it along with the mask's spirit. Pretty ironic if I do say so, myself.

*Unfortunately, the mask salesman doesn't know the truth behind what happened to Elitha's mask, but that is a story for another day...*

Tatl: It's probably for the best, that thing made you into a werido... not that you weren't one before.

Remote: Hey, uh... sorry about the whole moon thing. The mask really took a grip on me.

Lewa: It took a grip on me, too. I understand.

Remote: You know, you remind me of that green guy who taught me that song.

Lewa: That's because I am that guy.

Happy Mask Salesman: Looks like I'm no longer needed here. Clock town is safe.

Tatl: Yeah, especially now that you're leaving, you freak!

Happy Mask Salesman: But remember... never dance with another man's potato patch, otherwise I'll rough you up! But before I go, why don't we sing the Song of Healing?!

*Everyone runs away as fast as they can into Clock town, far away from him.*

Happy Mask Salesman: Oh... they're gone. I guess nothing left for me to do now but return to my home planet. *He looks up and then in seconds he is beamed aboard a mother ship with Elitha's mask in hand. The ship then takes off into hyperspace, not to be seen again...*

Tatl: Now that we got away from that freak, it's time for you to go, Lewa.

Lewa: What? But what if I wanted to stay at the carnival? Thought of that?

Tatl: Who cares, you're supposed to leave.

Lewa: Grr. Fine, maybe I'll just try and get back home then...

*So Lewa set off from Alma Nui to try and return home... at least until the Glatorian were on and they needed their lead guitarist back, thus causing some confusion and some brute force to bring Lewa back so he could perform with them. Other than that, he left forever. In the end, everyone was happy, all was well. And somewhere along the line, Natalie took the remote from Lewa (around the time she gave him the strategy guide) and managed to get back home and live happily.*