Jump to content

REVIEW: True Slaughter


WhereFMF

Recommended Posts

The story is well written, if not exceptionally so. It fares well enough until the Toa reach Spherus Magna, when the sense of reality fades. It's not that the quality of what is written decrease, for the most part, but that not enough is written, resulting in the reality of the story suddenly feeling shoddy, like a dream. As I implied above, there is an area in which the quality of the writing does decrease: Gresh's dialogue. To him, the Toa are strange biomechanical beings to whom he must explain the wholesale extermination of their universe's population, and yet he does so as if he is discussing something much more mundane and commonplace. This detaches the reader from the story.

All in all, an interesting side-step, though I don't see how it can be satisfactorily resolved in five chapters. The last one will need to be astounding.

Also, a bit of a nitpick, but the Great Beings were well aware of their creations sentience. The word you are looking for is "sapience."

 

Finally, I would like to address this in regards to the canon of Bionicle. You state that you "thought the Spherus Magna Alternate Universe wasn't an accurate depiction of what would have happened had Mata Nui completed his mission, so I set out to write one myself." However, the whole story seems to rest on a flawed understanding of Marendar's function. "The Yesterday Quest" makes it quite clear:

 

 


During the Core War, the Great Beings had unleashed a “doomsday weapon” that came to be called “baterra.” Their role was to end the war by force by eliminating any armed combatant they encountered. Once it became inevitable that the Shattering would happen, the Great Beings tried to use their failsafe to shut the baterra down. It failed, and the baterra remained active to this day.

That failure made them think about how much power each Toa would have. If something went wrong upon Mata Nui’s return, and the Toa were unleashed, the Agori would stand no chance against them. Suppose the Toa went bad? Suppose they wanted to conquer this new world? If so, then once again Spherus Magna would be in mortal danger as a result of the Great Beings’ actions. That could not be allowed to happen.

They had little time, but they put it to good use, designing and building a new creation. It existed for one purpose, and one alone: to destroy Toa. The Great Beings believed no single Toa, or team of Toa, could hope to stand against it. It was christened Marendar, an Agori word meaning “salvation,” and placed in a vault.

Angonce knew the abrupt appearance of so many Toa on Spherus Magna might well activate Marendar. He hurried to the vault, but too late – the living weapon had already smashed its way through three feet of metallic protodermis and was gone. It would carry out its programming and kill any and every Toa on the planet.

Your story has him cleaning up the Matoran universe, which he certainly was never intended to do.

Another question: When does this story take place for Takanuva? Presumably, he's the Core Universe version. He seems to have lived through Makuta's takeover.

And another: How does Mata Nui repair Spherus Magna in this universe? After all, Teridax is dead, and the second robot of Mata Nui's model was never built, unlike in the "Spherus Magna Alternate Universe." How does he achieve this without communicating with the inhabitants of Spherus Magna and consequently revealing his sapience?

In conclusion, your story is an admirable and intriguing attempt, albeit with one considerable narrative flaw and rather poor characterization on Gresh's part.. However, I am confident that you can overcome these problems. I look forward to seeing how it ends. Best of luck.

Edited by Quisoves Pugnat

gZsNWyr.png


(Credit to Nik the Three for the banner)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was aware of Marendar's function. I took some liberties with it for this story. Keep in mind that this is an alternate universe, after all.

 

This story takes place sometime during Takanuva's dimensional voyages.

 

I thought that Mata Nui's sapience was known to all; it's just that it was believed the creatures inside him were not.

 

I'm aware of Gresh's poor characterization. I wrote that part quickly. Nothing to be done about it.

 

 

I couldn't totally answer your questions without the last chapter being posted. The story takes place after the Toa Empire universe. It's just that Takanuva's memory was erased at the end of this universe, so it never made it into the official canon. I like to make all my stories compatible with canon, as much as I've failed at that here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmm. So Takunuva saves two universes in a row. :P I am surprised by the... Callousness of the GBs. Was that Velika?

 Kopaka, the coolest(Pun intended) Ko-Toa ever:

 Comic_Blizzard_Blade_In_Use.png      

"If the fight had turned, Exann might be the one on the floor with Antidermis spurting out of him. This is how battle is. This is how life is." -Mar'jik, Corpus Rahkshi                                       

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm pretty sure that the thing with Vultraz, well, they saw him as a malfunctioning unit, so why shouldn't they try to fix him? But if they had seen Mazeka as a unit, then they wouldn't have sent Alt!Teridax. It is a pickle. :shrugs:

 Kopaka, the coolest(Pun intended) Ko-Toa ever:

 Comic_Blizzard_Blade_In_Use.png      

"If the fight had turned, Exann might be the one on the floor with Antidermis spurting out of him. This is how battle is. This is how life is." -Mar'jik, Corpus Rahkshi                                       

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...