Posted Oct 24 2011 - 06:56 PM
Posted Oct 24 2011 - 09:17 PM
My Library: The Esoteric Athenaeum
Member of the Epic Critics' Club
Posted Oct 26 2011 - 05:05 PM
Posted Oct 27 2011 - 11:38 PM
The first sentence should be "two others nearby". It could also be "two others close to him" or "two others in his vicinity." I personally prefer the first because it says the most in the least words. I think you could cut the second sentence, simply because the Skakdi and the Vortix's appearances are shocking and appalling enough that it is unnecessary.
He automatically tried to stand up, but found that he was chained to the floor. He looked around and saw two others in his nearby, a Vortixx and a Skakdi. He was shocked and appalled at their appearances.
I think this sentence could be cut for similar reasons. The Vortix clearly looks horrible, so there is no reason to tell the reader so. Lastly, keep writing! You have a real gift of creating emotion with description alone. It makes me happy to come back to the forums and see so many good new writers.
The Vortixx was strapped in a gurney and had dozens of tubes had been inserted into her body. Strange liquids were being pumped in as others were taken out. She looked horrible. Her armor was not the healthy, ebony color it should have been. It was instead a sickly dull gray, and riddled with streaks of rust. Her hair was a tangled mess. As the Matoran looked her over, he noticed a long, sutured scar along down the length of her torso. The Vortixx suddenly made a strange gurgling noise. Her head turned slowly to look at the Matoran. He could see that her face had once been perfectly flawless. But now it was streaked with several jagged scars. At first glance they appeared to be the random slashes of some crazed attacker. But as the Matoran continued to look he could see there was a sort of pattern to them. He could see the dull, drugged look in her watery blue eyes. They seemed just lucid enough to be aware of her predicament, yet too disoriented to do anything about it.
Hatchi - Talli - Ranok - Lucira - Morie - Akiyo - Yukie - Shuuan - Ilykaed
I fold up my ideas; I pack them deep inside my skull.
I got that string theory: it doesn't work to push--you gotta pull.
Posted Oct 28 2011 - 04:39 PM
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