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Lab Rats

Horror

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4 replies to this topic

#1 Offline spyder ryder

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Posted Oct 24 2011 - 06:56 PM

The Matoran awoke. His head felt groggy, and his body ached all over. As his eyes came into focus he saw that he was in some sort of laboratory. He automatically tried to stand up, but found that he was chained to the floor. He looked around and saw two others in his nearby, a Vortixx and a Skakdi. He was shocked and appalled at their appearances. The Vortixx was strapped in a gurney and had dozens of tubes had been inserted into her body. Strange liquids were being pumped in as others were taken out. She looked horrible. Her armor was not the healthy, ebony color it should have been. It was instead a sickly dull gray, and riddled with streaks of rust. Her hair was a tangled mess. As the Matoran looked her over, he noticed a long, sutured scar along down the length of her torso. The Vortixx suddenly made a strange gurgling noise. Her head turned slowly to look at the Matoran. He could see that her face had once been perfectly flawless. But now it was streaked with several jagged scars. At first glance they appeared to be the random slashes of some crazed attacker. But as the Matoran continued to look he could see there was a sort of pattern to them. He could see the dull, drugged look in her watery blue eyes. They seemed just lucid enough to be aware of her predicament, yet too disoriented to do anything about it. The Skakdi was chained to the wall. He was grotesquely skeletal, looking as though his body had been warped and stretched into his current shape. Mechanical implants were scattered throughout his person, though they seemed to do more harm than good. Gears and cogs turned endlessly on his limbs and joints. He had no head-spine, and it appeared that his skull had been operated on at some point. The look on his face was one of pure madness, as it was locked in a perpetual grin. He peered at the Matoran hungrily. “Don’t want to look, do you?” he muttered, “Don’t want to look.” The Matoran didn’t respond. The Skakdi spoke again. “Don’t let him poison you,” he said as he gestured to the Vortixx, “He’ll put his poisons in, and take different poisons out.” The Vortixx moaned miserably, as though she were trying to speak. All she managed to do was drool a little. The Matoran was mortified. “W-where am I?” he whispered. The Skakdi giggled. “Don’t know,” he responded, “I asked but he never told me. He has something planned for you. He had a plan for me. He had a plan for her. He has plans for all of his rats.” “I’m not a rat,” breathed the Matoran. This prompted a bone-chilling cackle from the Skakdi. “Of course you are. You’re here, aren’t you?” His face suddenly turned very serious. “Or are you? You’re not a hallucination, I hope?” The Matoran shook his head. The Skakdi looked relieved. “Thank goodness. For a moment I thought I’d been poisoned.” The odd being sighed and looked at the Vortixx. “I remember that before we were rats, she was the sharpest, most alert being that I ever knew. But then he came and did this to her. She hasn’t been the same ever since.” Moments after he spoke, the Vortixx let out a wild shriek. She slowly thrashed around in her restraints, pitifully crying out. “What’s happening to her?” asked the frightened Matoran. The Skakdi looked at his companion with tearful eyes. “It’s the poisons,” he whispered, “They sometimes…induce hallucinations.” After for what seemed like an eternity, the Vortixx began to calm down. She finally settled back into her unnerving state of forced tranquility. The Skakdi continued to look at her affectionately. “She’s still beautiful though,” he murmured, “Unlike myself.” He glanced down at his malformed body. “He says he improved me. I’m not really so certain.” The skeletal creature smiled sheepishly at the Matoran. “Don’t tell him I said that when he comes.” “Who is he?” asked the mystified Matoran. The question drove the Skakdi into muttering. “His is the house of pain. His is the hand that makes. His is the hand that wounds. His is the hand that heals.” The Skakdi began to repeat these phrases over and over again. Meanwhile, two new figures came into the laboratory. As they neared the Matoran, he shuddered. Even from across the room they seemed to irradiate a sense of madness and death. He could now see them in greater detail. They bore similar features; they were both green and bat-like. The tall one’s claws twitched apprehensively as he examined the Matoran. “A fine specimen indeed,” he said as he grinned a wicked smile, “You did well, Vican.” “Thank you, master,” the small one replied in a hoarse tone. The Matoran felt nothing but fear as the green creatures reached out for him with their razor-sharp claws.
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#2 Offline Steelsheen

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Posted Oct 24 2011 - 09:17 PM

Excellent, excellent! Good topic for a short story, and very nicely executed. Your writing is realistic and engaging, your dialogue is natural and your grammar is practically perfect. Well done! Only thing I might've changed was to have the matoran use his name in some of his thoughts, but that's pretty immaterial.
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#3 Offline Aderia

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Posted Oct 26 2011 - 05:05 PM

Yikes, I'm still shaking off those chills your writing sent down my spine. Your descriptions are amazing! I really liked this SS, one because its short and...well not sweet, given the material the story depicts, but the same idea. One of my favorite parts was the relationship between the Skakdi and Vortixx, I just thought it was sweet, in a tragic sort of way. I'm not entirely sure if I've read any of your works before (not that the downtime helped or anything ;p) but I'd like to say I'm impressed, and I might have to go creep on your library now. Keep up the good work!
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#4 Online Mel

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Posted Oct 27 2011 - 11:38 PM

This is nice read. I think everybody has already said what I want to say. I do have a couple nit picky suggestions.

He automatically tried to stand up, but found that he was chained to the floor. He looked around and saw two others in his nearby, a Vortixx and a Skakdi. He was shocked and appalled at their appearances.

The first sentence should be "two others nearby". It could also be "two others close to him" or "two others in his vicinity." I personally prefer the first because it says the most in the least words. I think you could cut the second sentence, simply because the Skakdi and the Vortix's appearances are shocking and appalling enough that it is unnecessary.

The Vortixx was strapped in a gurney and had dozens of tubes had been inserted into her body. Strange liquids were being pumped in as others were taken out. She looked horrible. Her armor was not the healthy, ebony color it should have been. It was instead a sickly dull gray, and riddled with streaks of rust. Her hair was a tangled mess. As the Matoran looked her over, he noticed a long, sutured scar along down the length of her torso. The Vortixx suddenly made a strange gurgling noise. Her head turned slowly to look at the Matoran. He could see that her face had once been perfectly flawless. But now it was streaked with several jagged scars. At first glance they appeared to be the random slashes of some crazed attacker. But as the Matoran continued to look he could see there was a sort of pattern to them. He could see the dull, drugged look in her watery blue eyes. They seemed just lucid enough to be aware of her predicament, yet too disoriented to do anything about it.

I think this sentence could be cut for similar reasons. The Vortix clearly looks horrible, so there is no reason to tell the reader so. Lastly, keep writing! You have a real gift of creating emotion with description alone. It makes me happy to come back to the forums and see so many good new writers.

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#5 Offline Nick Silverpen

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Posted Oct 28 2011 - 04:39 PM

Very creepy, and very seasonally appropriate. I'm imagining a skakdi without a head cover, so he's just a skull, and its very, very chilling.Your writing style was very short, which was good for the effect of the story. You didn't spend time repeating detail, you just let the details in previous paragraphs add to the overall effect, and I'll amend you for that.Like Hahli historian said, your dialouge is very natural. Keep writing!
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