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The Dawn of The Toa Hagah


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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Spiderus Prime

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Posted May 31 2014 - 05:50 PM

Before We've are search for the Toa Mahri,My team where on difference Islands,I meet Toa Iruini in The Island of Amaja, I also meet a Toa of Water named Gaaki,too. We've where trained by Axxon,a Member of The Legendary Hand of Artakha,he taught us how defeated the Dark Hunters, and other Dangerous Treats. Than come Teridax,The Makuta of Metru Nui he wanted us to guard he's Fortress of the Brotherhood for unknowing reasons,so we've did than also meet Pouks,Bomonga, & Kualus in the Fortress. I saw many weird things like The Rahshki,Visorak, & The Forok however I also secretly meet up to Axxon and Brutaka,who had a new team called the Order of Mata Nui, Axxon say to me, “Norik,The Brotherhood of The Makuta had the Mask of Light,and Artakha wants it to Metru Nui form hides it secretly from The Makuta's Hands.” I said to him, “Okay but how to get the Mask of Light without no one knowing about this plan?” so after I left the meeting I had my team to rebelling of The Makuta. We've attacked the Brotherhood,and their soldiers than The Makuta said to us, “Toa Hagah please back to your posts or I take extreme measures!” “No We've known that you did,All of your members are like Muaka catchs it's prey.” I said to him than they attacked us I and Iruini may it safe,but Gaaki,Pouks,Bomonga, & Kualus where gone because they are captured and mutated into Rahaga by Roodaka,A Agent of The Brotherhood so we've try get are Team Mates and the Mask back than we've too where also mutated into Rahaga too,than we've traveling to Metru Nui secretly,and hiding the Mask of Light in the Colliseum,Thanks to it's Turaga,Dume. After are the Events with the Great Spirt Makuta,and than We've found them,and we've used are Rhotuka,and are's hit the That Thing,and freed the Mahri. We've and The Mahri are going back,but I had weird feedling that the Order and Artakha are in Trouble so we've are going to saved them for a Unlikey Threat.  


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#2 Offline Azani

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Posted May 31 2014 - 06:38 PM

The story is an interesting look into how the Toa Hagah could have been formed; however, it would be much more enjoyable and easier to read if you fixed some of the grammatical errors. If you're interesting in revising it a bit, I'd be curious to see where this goes; the premise is definitely pretty engaging.
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I can also be found under the username Azani on SolisMagna.com and the BioMediaProject forums. Check out SolisMagna.com, as it is exactly what we need to maintain interest in Bionicle. Also, I highly recommend [url=http://www.bzpower.com/board/topic/11507-bionicle-nova-orbis-new-world/Nova Orbis, an awesome comic series by NickonAquaMagna.

Check out the script for Mysterious Island, an adaption/reboot of the 2001 Bionicle story which I am writing. It's also a musical.

 
Bionicle is returning in 2015!

#3 Online Click

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Posted May 31 2014 - 07:26 PM

Good summary, though it feels to rushed to really be a short story. There could be more dialogue to help drive the story along. I would suggest just focus on a few events, and show in detail what happened, like at a training match with Axonn or the confrontation with Makuta, with back story details provided in the introduction or in conversation. 

 

As Artakha's Nephew said, there are a lot of grammatical errors as well. If those were fixed it would sound much better. I would also suggest adding paragraphs, as telling thousands of years of history in one paragraph feels much too rushed. When you move to a new topic, just hit that enter button and the story will already improve much.

 

The story told is good though. I would like more detail on how they met, how the training was, and such things like that. 


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#4 Offline Spiderus Prime

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Posted Jun 01 2014 - 08:51 AM

Good summary, though it feels to rushed to really be a short story. There could be more dialogue to help drive the story along. I would suggest just focus on a few events, and show in detail what happened, like at a training match with Axonn or the confrontation with Makuta, with back story details provided in the introduction or in conversation. 

 

As Artakha's Nephew said, there are a lot of grammatical errors as well. If those were fixed it would sound much better. I would also suggest adding paragraphs, as telling thousands of years of history in one paragraph feels much too rushed. When you move to a new topic, just hit that enter button and the story will already improve much.

 

The story told is good though. I would like more detail on how they met, how the training was, and such things like that. 

 

Okay,I might doing some edits of the story.


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